Get into the rhythm of the mumble

First draft of a new poem - contributions welcomed....
I find it most distasteful
That spiders leave the cadaverous carcasses abandoned,
Sucked of their life,
The web starts to look rather macabre.
Who would want to live there?
The black widow sits in the middle, 
But these
Eye spy from a dark corner,
One sensitive toe on the vibrator thread,
Patiently waiting for a luscious sucker.


On Thursday my dad called and left a message on my answer machine. It was playing on my mind. I was too late to call back and anyway. So there was the essence of fear across my existence until I called him back on Friday evening.
Before I made the call I didn't stop and consider how I was. A mistake. I need to stop and make this consideration and get myself supported and level. I was too complacent after recent times when he has been
My first mistake was to have opened a letter from the RAC saying that they had not received my returned car insurance policy so have not refunded the large sum of money yet. My first thought is that it's a conspiracy and a way to just keep my money longer. Like I think it was a conspiracy that they did not have the details of accidents in the last 5 years (that incidentally were not my fault), for which I am penalised grossly and something that seems unfair, increasing my insurance cost beyond what is reasonable in my opinion. So at the moment they have a lot of my money and I am struggling financially. Hence I had called and asked my dad, taking much courage but also shame inducing, to ask him if I could borrow some money to tide me over. I was on a back foot. I have felt pride that I have taken care of myself without him for these last 10 years. I have taken responsibility of my money. Oh and the trouble I have had makes so much sense now looking at the implications of bi-polar. Irrational spending and out of control. For so long  have needed help and yet within my family I was just punished.
So back to the point. Although all points are relevant. ....
The point is that I felt angry and powerless with the RAC and scared that I am going to lose the money which every penny matters a lot to me right now. So I was walking through my flat muttering "bastards, bastards, bastards" I felt very stitched up all round by them and hate that feeling of injustice. The big boys always win and I and others like me are always poor, poorer, poorest. Will do my bit and then will have to let go and trust. At least I am able to identify the anger in me and let it pass acknowledged and not suppressed. I have a call to make to them - that's my part then. It's for some reason always difficult for me to actually make calls to what I perceive are people in power. Having said that I have managed to call my GP, the care co-ordinator and left a message with my Psych's PA to request he calls me. And I rationally explained my situation with the meds.
Yes, I felt uncomfortable with my request. My dad had agreed and said to call at the end of this month to make the arrangements. In the message he had left on my answer machine he stated that he had sent my card. And following his conversation with me on the last occasion we met he had said I was not to mention anything on the phone or write to thank him etc as he didn't want his wife, Theresa, to know anything about what he does. So I assumed the mention of the card meant he had sent me a cheque. I was rather hoping it was a gift - which it turns out to be but I found that out after a lot of angst about other matters. I will get there and explain. So also before phoning him back, I opened the envelope and a cheque dropped out. A very generous £500. I had to look closely as the numbers looked like he had written a six yet the written word looked like five. His writing is very spidery. I wonder where he was taught as I have never seen writing like it anywhere else and usually there is a basic style. I suppose if I screw my eyes and don;t where glasses there could be a link with Italic. I was taught italic at junior school and developed my own style I suppose which is nothing like italic now.
So I was looking at the guilt evoking cheque. The guilt is mine but of course the whole interaction of a lifetime with my dad and money does contribute to why I feel guilty and ashamed.

THEN ... he said and bring those photographs or else .....
My first reaction was that I had already taken him the photographs. And I do feel sure that I have. He said no I haven't so repeated bring them or else. I felt uncertain then and as if I had been so naughty was a bad person. Back-footed. So I raised my voice (which was the start of me not liking how I become with him). But within all that happened next I maintained my boundaries. I said there was no need to threaten me and asked what he meant by or else? He said he wasn't threatening me and I repeated to him his words. He flustered. I also said that if he could remember when he was throwing away everything from his and mums house after she died, and at this point I could feel the real hurt rising fast and started to feel tearful, that he hadn't wanted the photographs and was going to burn them. So I had taken them all. I said that I had them in a suitcase and had thrown away a lot of the scenery photos and just kept the people. I also explained that they were out of an y order. I still feel certain I have given him the photographs. He assured me he would return them and that he just wanted to take some copies of particular photos. I have not had back the photos I have already given him and I know I have as I remember at this moment now the photos I found.
When I said the word mum I started crying. It's all so painful still but of course not as bad as it was. It's just added to because I have so much grievance with my dad. It's like I lose my mum every time. Him marrying so soon after she died and getting rid of their home as quickly as possible has all looked to me like he couldn't wait to get away from that life. And of course the cutting contact with anyone they had ever known together - and sometimes he has nearly done it with me so many times. I feel rejected every time and unlovable. It hurts so badly. The little child in me needing parental love and safety. Never has been there.
And then he moaned. He said Oh don't cry. And of course I now how he hates sniveling people because that's what he has always said. He has always called me sniveller. And referred to his mother as a sniveller and I could hear the contempt in his voice. So more messages subtly passed on. He said calm down and he would call back in a few minutes. I said I just felt hurt and sad that's all. I explained that I was going out so would see him Sunday as arranged, and at that point he changed it to 12 at The Red Lion Chalton, where we have met before for a meal. It's averagely OK. There probably won;t be any tables though as for some reason it's popular. I said OK see you then and as I was putting the phone down I could hear him talking. As I put the phone down the hurt changed into rage. Explosive rage.
I was aware from all that I have been doing with SC that I needed to contain the rage as it was murderous. And with me feeling angry at myself for crying ( although I have since changed my mind about the crying ) and for raising my voice I could easily turn that in on me. Murder him or murder me and as I would not murder him ( well not as yet anyway, never say never, especially as apparently a high percentage of murders are by people the victims know well - I can't remember the proportion right now) it could easily turn into self harming etc. Every birthday for some reason there is an incident with my dad and I am not sure if it is the birthday or the money. When he gave me money towards the purchase of my car he was just rude about me to the salesman. Rude actually is an understatement, he was abusive and completely inappropriate.
So I sent a text to ML, with many, many expletives. She invited me to call by saying that she could listen. I needed to leave to get to the meeting, even though now I didn't want to go. I felt the rage and the power that comes with that. I drove crazily and ranted on and on about him and what he had said and things he had done - all the resentments exploding out of me including mention of his wife. On and ON driving far too fast so much so that I was way too early for the meeting when I had thought I would be late. Under normal circumstances I would have been.
So I sat and ranted more. Then I made ML and myself laugh as I said that with my dad being such a bigot and prejudiced, I would give the money he had given to me, to a charity involving black people or something and get them to write a letter of thanks to him. He would explode!!!!! ML asked me to consider this before I did. I was still in rage but laughed at myself. Of course incidents such as this would arouse the rage in me - all the terror and anger from my childhood but I would explode mildly directly with him because he would hit me or be more verbally abusive and crush me. So I would leave and in rage the power would become rebellion which over the years grew and grew with more destructive behaviours. So this would easily have become a purge first of any food, violently with masses and masses of laxatives. Then I would drive erratically and dangerously into London, get very drunk and drugged up and find someone to "shag" and I use that word with the violence and disgust that it sounds like anyway. My dad calls it shagging - women who just shag anyone including me. He "shagged" me but seems to forget that somehow.
I feel so much emotion as I am writing this. I cried when writing the word my mum, all sorts of memories of her and how much I miss her. How for so long she was in the middle of all of this. Yet she never seemed to do anything to stop it. I think she tried with my dad then she would try and persuade me to fall into line. Grrr forever it's been such a fucking nonsense. And now I am feeling both incredibly sad yet fucking furious. I am typing at a speed.
So I got to the AA meeting and the chair shared about anger as a trigger. I shared back about the prior events and emotions and what might have happened in the past but what I had done instead - containment, support from a friend and a meeting and how the enormity of the rage was subsiding. Success!
I was writing to that friend this morning after having been out last night and here is the copy of my texts......
Well it's a long time since I have got back from a night out dancing at this time. Thank you for coming tonight. Sorry you felt uncomfortable and needed to go. I know that so well. I am too old as feel Knackered like I used after two weeks of out and about with snatches I'd sleep. Hug x
I have just realised that I need to be careful from a different  angle when I meet my dad today. Thankfully I have considered how I am feeling after expressing my feelings with my dad and setting a boundary with his threatening and abusive manner. After he apologised I felt empowered and also amazed - and an excitement has emerged too. On the outside I feel calm but inside I am still raging. It is taking a new shape and it's as if now the enemy is down I can get him calmly and easily inflicting fatal injuries cruelly. Its what he does to me - wields one de saying blow and whilst I am writhing in pain and weak jabs with more just enough to leave me alive but fatal nonetheless. So how do I behave. I do not want to do this. I have done it before with him i know. Gleefully find his Achilles heel and attack. I am thinking I must try and stay with my feelings but at the moment I feel powerful. This also leaves me vulnerable because he will be looking to attack me back. I get caught unaware. It all sounds like a battlefield but it has always been a feeling of attack and defence.  How do I behave to enable me to step out of the war. Be me but lose
sense of me in the I have just realised that I need to be careful from a different  angle when I meet my dad today. Thankfully I have considered how I am feeling after expressing my feelings with my dad and setting a boundary with his threatening and abusive manner. After he apologised I felt empowered and also amazed - and an excitement has emerged too. On the outside I feel calm but inside I am still raging. It is taking a new shape and it's as if now the enemy is down I can get him calmly and easily inflicting fatal injuries cruelly. Its what he does to me - wields one devastating blow and whilst I am writhing in pain and weak jabs with more just enough to leave me alive but fatal nonetheless. So how do I behave. I do not want to do this. I have done it before with him i know. Gleefully find his Achilles heel and attack. I am thinking I must try and stay with my feelings but at the moment I feel powerful. This also leaves me vulnerable because he will be looking to attack me back. I get caught unaware. It all sounds like a battlefield but it has always been a feeling of attack and defence.  How do I behave to enable me to step out of the war. Be me but lose defensive/murderous rage. Just realised it means being me in sense of I love art and music. I enjoy trying to sketch. I like attempting to write poetry and am amazed by the wonder of micro creations in our body. In awe at the creation going on in us. I am challenged by living on a daily basis and live in fear. I have great people in my life. I am ashamed of my status - so little to show for my successful business life in the past. Yet also OK with the lack of burden possessions can bring to me. I am both excited and afraid by my mental health. Wanting to learn  how to blossom from it rather than be shacked by it. I danced last night - felt free and energised rising through the screaming paranoia. Can't always do that though and that's OK too. Who else am I?
I am not a person who wants or likes to inflict pain when someone is down. I wouldn't do that to anyone - so I need to contain the rage in all it's manifestations. I am so hurt and desperate to be loved and know I am
Lovable which leaves me vulnerable with only childlike defences in an adult body and mind. I never want to be cruel only understanding and kind. I want to find compassion for my dad without that meaning my boundaries become mush again.

So more realisation - I have a picture in my head of a bird of pray attacking another bird in the air. I can see it in my mind's eye. It's such a vicious fight, and looks horrendous and frightening. Then one bird falls, straight down incurring even more devastating injuries. The the bird of prey sits on his victim and pecks away or stabs with its claws but still not killing it.
I do not want to enter into the fight int he first place but sometimes I am required to beat away the attack and hope to develop my boundaries and my belief in them.
For now I need to know how to be today. I am trying to be myself without leaving myself exposed and vulnerable. It feels very confusing. I am scared. I am meeting him very soon and need to get bathed and dressed.


He he he my lovely friend just called to say Happy Birthday and it's tomorrow. She was all sleepy and confused. I love her.

Off to get ready and consider how I remain composed without being controlling and isolated. How to be me and be OK.
Do I tell him about the bi-polar? I want to because I think it's important as an explanation of some of the years behind me and the way it's appeared as if I am simply bad and useless. But I think it's also risky with him. I don;t have to tell him today. I can get some thoughts and support from others about this and always tell him another time if it's relevant.

Bliss
XXX

Change Change Change

You can change a great many things, Bliss.
Or you can change.
Same-same,
    The Universe

I am changing - everything is always changing.
I cannot change anything - all I can do is change myself. I can change by telling people how I feel about thier behaviours or their attitude etc.
I thought tonight I was gettign a telling off from my friend but actually I have realised she was struggling with me having feelings. I was getting irritated at first but as I realised that it was her difficulty with my feelings I could let go and listen.
I had left work and collected LouLou - realising very quickly AB was drunk. My problem is that I am high. Having finally been diagnosed bi-polar I am truly aware.
Dr L diagnosed this years ago. But I never followed it up. I have always known really. It's the way I am the polar opppsite of myself - ha ha excuse the pun. There's the apparent addictive tendency of always thinking the grass is greener on the other side even when that's where I have just come from. Then there is the wanting one thing but also wanting the exact opposite at other times. I describe this as absolutely adoring the city. Wanting to be there, in the lights, the buzz, the nightlife, the everything city -London, New York, Paris, any city. But then in another mood I only want the countryside. The fresh air, the quietness and slowness, the quaint, the space. My mum has always said I am like the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forhead. When she was god she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid.
That was and has been me. I have wnated to be so so good but then it's like a complete turn in my head and I have wanted to be partying and the wild child. I have caused chaos. I have always thought that the alcohol was the least of my problems and that I didn't need alcohol actually for the wild times to begin. I needed the alcohol to get over the shame of what I thought I might have done the night before.

I called my friend (actually she called me) After leaving AB's I went to Tesco. I could feel the hig. I was walking around feeling grandiose. As if I was fantastic. My friend suggested better than everyone else but no not that but just as if I was fantastic. She asked what was wrong with that and there was nothing tonight as I am taking notice of every little signal in me. But on past occasions that would cause me to strutt around as if I was fantastic and I would overspend and look at men trying to attract their attention. Thinking too that they are all looking at me anyway. This I know is thinking and behaviour associated with bi-polar. Yet I have thought all the time I am just bad. I struggled shopping not knowing what to buy. I couldn't get out quick enough and I was already aware that I would not prepare any of the food I had bought. I am not hungry! Never am at the moment. I am flipping high. It's exhausting too.
I got in the car and was so relieved to have got there safely. I wanted to tell my dad and for him to just hold me and say it's OK but I know that's not ever ever going to happen. I feel so scared. I fell like it's too much to manage. I refuse outright to take the medication. The psychiatrist wants me to start taking Pregabalin. I refuse. I know it detaches people slightly. it's not like an antidepressant. I will NOT!!! I need the psychiatrist to support me in this. I do not want to be the zombie it makes people into. And this is the vastly improved medication - FUCK!
Stephe Fry is managing without it. I want to make contact with him and talk about this. But then AB said this was just my on a high and being grandiose. Is it? Is it really? Or is it wanting to speak with someone who knows and understands. I'm getting his documetary. And I would like to read his book too. I would like to talk to him about his experiences and I know he has done a lot of investigation. I want the psychiatrist to support me.
I felt the high when I was talking to the occ health nurse today. I could hear how I was talkng 10 to the dozen. My mum used tonotice that too and would tell me to stop being so excitable. I can see this has been tehre for so long. The psychiatrist talked about trauma induced bi-polar and the re-traumatising that has occurred recently .... along with the magnification through hormonal (bullshit nonsense terrible invention ha ha) changes!!!!
I realised that yesterday I was high - at the meeting. I was having inappropriate thoughts. The same sort of grandiosity and was thinking I would try and make myself appealing. I was immedately aware of myself and stopped the thinking. Funny thing is the man I was thinking about being appealing too came running me as I said bye and walked out of the door. I stood there talking about stuff. I didn't act out and felt very uncomfortable. I was also aware that I had been speaking with my friend prior to the meeting who was talking about her new relationship. I am very, very excited for her as she is very happy and enthusiastic. At the same time I was a little jealous even though right now I do not want a relationship. I am scared as I want to be loved. I have so much love to give. Now I think anyone will think I am completely crazy and never take me seriously if they think I am bi-polar. I have seen how people disregard someone who is bi-polar. Toss aside the ideas because they are in a haze of madness. Not so. There is an energy.
I have ideas - so many ideas. And what I want to do is channel my energy into those ideas.

Oh some of these are hilarious - some of my friends get quite frustrated with my typos whereas I find them really funny.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

I am tired now.
Exhausted actually. I have tomorrow to phone my psych as a priority. I need him on board about the meds.
I am glad to be so acutely aware. When I got  in the care I realised how damned difficult this is all going to be. I need some support. I suddenly thought it would be so wonderful to have someone along who truly loved me and wanted to support me. But I have friends who will be there truly be there. And for that I am grateful.
So goodnight.

Bliss
XX

We are more than our feelings

http://www.dhammatalks.org.uk/index.php?id=40&file_id=907

Not getting addicted or defined by our emotions
Being mindful of our emotions - means to me being aware of past beliefs, attitudes, perceptions, memories that seem to inform out emotions.
So by being mindful it is possible to reassess the emotional response and judge whether it is appropriate.
And then be within the situation I am in with awareness and trust and being mindful means I can be fully present - in pain or pleasure. Pleasure doesn;t become the end goal it is one experience. Pleasure can be addictive and become the goal. But knowing that Pleasure passes just the same as pain does is mindfulness. Knowing.
Trust that any person, place, situation will reveal itself in all good time.

Bliss
XX

Shaking off the limitations

With an image of liberation as the goal
the wise abandon darkness and cherish light,
leave petty security behind
and seek freedom from attachment.
To pursue such release is difficult and rare,
yet the wise will seek it,
detaching themselves from obstructions,
purifying heart and mind
Dhammapada v.87-88

Ajahn Munindo reflects on this ...
"The Buddha offers images that illustrate the goal, uplifting and supporting us in our effort to let go of that which obstructs and limits us. If we hold too tightly to the images, we may lose perspective on the here and now element of the journey; instead of actually doing the practice, we are imagining it. If we fail to give right emphasis to the goal, we may become lost in the distraction of sense objects - agreeable and disagreeable. The pursuit of true freedom is difficult but consider how much suffering comes if we don't practice. With wise reflection we find we can endure the dark and difficult times. When the light returns, we cherish it and discover how to love truth more fully."

My own reflection in the here and now ...
Firstly I notice that I keep hearing the message about letting go, particularly of limits. I then feel my fear. I have wants. And I can see the value of remembering to let go when I realise I am thinking of my wants. The wants bring longing and as a result I forget to see what is all around me right now or at least do not appreciate all that I have. I can relate that to the want to be thin. As long as I remember body dysmorphia has been closely related to being anorexic, bulimic and over eating. And when I look back now I realise how much I was intently focused on trying to control food, worrying about size and not enjoying the experiences as they were happening all around me. I continue to have issues around food. I use food as an escape from stress for example and of course this triggers the body image issues too. So  am not saying I am cured. What I am practicing once again today though, is 3 meals per day, not worrying about the content of those 3 meals so long as I have protein, carbs and vegetables/fruit. And my how my studies this year - Biological Psychology - have helped me to know the fine tuned detail of the minute but incredible miracles that occur within each and every one of us. But to be sustained every cell needs appropriate nourishment and that comes from me eating wisely. I hope to maintain this train of thought and practice of eating.
Anyway that's an example of wants turning into obsession and taking me out of the her and now experiences.
One of the things I keep thinking about though when I read about letting go is the need at the level I am at of being able to identify and process the feelings that go with letting go. For example with the apparent loss of JH I have felt so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, fear, relief at times too although that was rare. My fear is that the lesson is forgetting that along the journey individuals will not realise that there are feelings and suppress them rather than work through them to their natural close. I realise that there is the tendency for holding onto the dark feelings and that can result in never letting go of the feelings. I absolutely agree with the goal. It's just for me the verse doesn't explain about emotions. I think people have tried to follow this exactly without reflecting on all that is going on.
As I reflect on what I am saying there is an element on control and not letting go of others process. It comes from a place of caring. However, it is me trying to ensure that everyone is aware. The reality is that I had always suppressed feelings. I did not now I was allowed to feel my emotions and express them and believed somehow from what I was seeing and hearing that I needed always to just get on and be happy. I am not sure if this is how I was actually told and shown but it is how I interpreted things. And so rather than acknowledge the pain and difficulty I would pretend everything was OK. So right into adulthood until recovery I have had to squish and squash everything away. And that is difficult to do without having crutches to help, hence the want for a man to love me, drink, drugs, hedonism, work and status etc etc and manipulating food. As those things are peeled away I am left with the emotions. Now I am learning to acknowledge the emotions, work through them and that takes a while when they are so deeply and densely packed. But there is a loosening and with the ending of some feelings comes the letting go. I have had more clarity about loosening the anger that inevitably comes from an abusive childhood. The vulnerable, raging me is becoming a little more aware and I can at times observe and measure my behaviour. I certainly don't like observing the behaviour of my fury but I understand the fury and can be gentle and loving rather than adding to the fury by giving myself a ticking off for being furious. But I can take a view on my behaviour. I do not judge myself then, but I do judge my behaviour - gently and with a desire to change with practice.
Perhaps there are some people who get this without having to go through the process. There are people who say they just let go and move on. Some people I can really see that in them. other people I see destructive behaviours and believe that there are things they are not allowing themselves to visit. They will if it ever gets so bad they are in pain.
I though am relieved to be getting some clarity for myself and believe I am on a path that is healthy for me. If I can enjoy today and learn and grow then it is possible I will be able to acknowledge any fears and temptation and remember the path is stronger if I stick to it. I can also gain strength by asking for support. I need help at times when temptation is pulling me. And temptation comes in many forms. It often starts with boredom. Wanting.
The thing is to acknowledge that feeling and talk with people then ......

More to reflect upon but now I must start my studies.

Bliss
XX

Wise reflection

 Ajahn Munindo

OK - just having breakfast and a cuppa Green ... also reading the little book of light reflections I picked up last evening.
The thing I like about Buddhism (when people are not turning it into a law) is that it is reflective of all life as it is
and not trying to change it into a Guru's direction or that there is one way. i.e. there is less judgement of people, beliefs, attitudes etc and more about encouraging people to consider themselves and also within their community changing plus consider what is unhealthy for each individual individually
And I read this this morning .....

"It has been my intention that by.sharing my personal reflections in this way, others might feel encouraged to engage in their own contemplative ability. There is a tendency perhaps fr Buddhist practitioners in the West to try to find peace and understanding by stopping thinking. Yet the Buddha tells us that it is by yaniso manasikara, or wise thinking, that we come to see the true nature of our minds, not through just stopping thinking."

This is a relief to read as so many people have said I must learn to empty my mind. But for me it is letting the thoughts become conscious and observing the thinking, understanding what drives that way of thinking. I do look for the gaps between thoughts too but even that is a thought most of the time. At least I no longer give myself a hard time for sitting in meditation thinking.
I was thinking last night about so many things, even thinking about the fact that I fell asleep a few times despite having had a good sleep the night before so realising how exhausting writing and essay is - putting together thoughts and supporting them with evidence. And I was thinking about the monk and his choice in life. Wondering about his journey and watching his meditation - I wondered how he managed with temptation and human wants like sex etc. It is a hard line to choose I think.
I was also observing that sort of electric feel that goes through me at a certain point each time I sit there for the hour. It's surprising how fast the silence goes by. Yet there is like a surge of energy that seems to start somewhere in my tummy. It's difficult to describe. It seems to emanate from maybe the solar plexus and ripples out. It feels shimmery and charged yet there is a delicacy about it too. It's not sharp or harsh. I was wondering what it is and why it happens. It seems nearer the end of the hour than the beginning.
I was wondering too about the Buddha and his story. Enlightenment. How the path narrows the more I learn about myself and the devil part of me doesn't like that. The hedonistic energy which at this time scares me. But how I am seeing this pattern yet again and observing the results and links. I was wondering if I will be able to retain not just the overall lesson but also some of the detail because the bigger message is easily shot down once temptation starts nagging at me.
Practice practice practice - that's also what I was thinking. And how I don't like being attached to organisations. That's was an interesting observation - the drive of individuality and how belonging can feel like imprisonment or making me into a group instead of being me. I smile at myself because when my self esteem is reasonable I know I am an individual whatever I am doing but I know how my dependence means I am easily lost so blame the groups instead of looking at me. At least I am more discerning now.
So these are all sorts of things I was wondering about and mulling over. It was good to clear my mind of the essays at least.

The Stool of Unmanageability

I checked it out with my friends first, as I was preparing to send a birthday card. As everyone without exception pointed out, this would be breaking my own bottom line of no contact. I wanted to send a card and at the same time knew something didn't feel right. It seems rude and thoughtless. What will he think of me type thing. Well I was reminded that he knows I have requested no contact for the time being. So actually I haven't been unmanageable. It feels very sad though. Sad that it didn't work out how I it had seemed things were and sad that having not worked out it is how it is.

I have been thinking about something beautiful I read and wanted to comment further on it with thoughts that could still further be expanded upon. It would be good to have contributory debates ... oh well. Me and my thinking alone.

A report in the Independent suggests that the reduction of honeybees is connected with mobile phones. And furthermore suggests that mobiles are a threat to us humans too. ...
 There are more recent reports too ....

Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?

Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees

By Geoffrey Lean and Harriet Shawcross

Sunday, 15 April 2007

It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

CCD has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned.

Other apiarists have recorded losses in Scotland, Wales and north-west England, but the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs insisted: "There is absolutely no evidence of CCD in the UK."

The implications of the spread are alarming. Most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees. Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

No one knows why it is happening. Theories involving mites, pesticides, global warming and GM crops have been proposed, but all have drawbacks.

German research has long shown that bees' behaviour changes near power lines.

Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

The case against handsets

Evidence of dangers to people from mobile phones is increasing. But proof is still lacking, largely because many of the biggest perils, such as cancer, take decades to show up.

Most research on cancer has so far proved inconclusive. But an official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset.

Equally alarming, blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives.

Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts. And, more prosaically, doctors have identified the condition of "text thumb", a form of RSI from constant texting.

Professor Sir William Stewart, who has headed two official inquiries, warned that children under eight should not use mobiles and made a series of safety recommendations, largely ignored by ministers.

"In the whole Universe, there is nothing static, dead or frozen. Everything, but absolutely everything, is in eternal movement. Even within the so-called still nature reigns the same intrinsic law of movement. Movement and newness, in p...erfect interconnecteness, affirm themselves as uniqueness. In order to be able to encounter the newness of the aliveness in its movement, we must come out and greet it the same way. Thus, we don’t return to the past, to what happened, nor we project ourselves into the future, in pursuit of an imaginary purpose or ideal to fulfill. With a completely empty mind, we simply watch life as it unfolds. Nothing comes between us and the movement of life, in the form of images, opinions etc. Such a simple and direct meeting with the moment transcends us spontaneously from the finite world into Infinity. And just as quickly, like lightning, we detach, in order to be free again, and therefore completely available to encountering the next moment. Nothing is anticipated and nothing is accumulated from the lived moment. The purity, innocence of the mind is our constant companion, as each moment becomes an opportunity of creative “being”. Through this way of “being” - as pure Consciousness - we ourselves create a new world in which Love, beauty, compassion and kindness become a reality which positively influences the whole of humankind." Ilie Cioara

I like this too - and can engage with the idea very easily when in a good state of mind. I do think though, that it takes a lot of practice and would be concerned that unpracticed if I forget that I come to each unfolding experience with my past attached then I might not be observant of my beliefs, memories, attitudes etc that will inform my experience. Furthermore, I am concerned that in detaching as easily suggests not having any feelings associated with the change and sometimes sense of loss or change associated with joy. I think it is important to detach yes and at that time to acknowledge the emotions and allow time for those to heal or not to react on joy with excitement. Personal time is also as important as being able to live life with the ever changing environment and experiences. Nothing is standing still but somethings are happening so slowly like the way mountains are eroding or glass is altering. We do create our world and being mindful of our part is important I believe.

Bliss

XX

 

Embarrassed

I would like to add that I am embarrassed and ashamed too of behaviours that I have wrwitten about. At the time I was fully involved and not ashamed within the situation. But I would not share openly with friends of mine.
I think it is good to have this all out as public to show how everthign can become so devastating yet at the time seem so great and exciting. The ups and downs. I know that there were some real emotions in there too. Each time as well.
I make this available publicly now because it is actually my entire story as it unfolds. I see how destructive or how wonderful and beautiful things can be - it is a journey and one that gradually is becoming narrower even though the river is widening.
I step towards self improvement and enlightenment with every awakening and thank the Universe for me being one of the people that is waking up.
I am grateful despite the difficulties along the way

Bliss
xx