Hob jobbing

They did the Englishman's dirty work, spoke his language in their own ugly hobson-jobson, full of vulgar abuse, but had none of his cricketing spirit.

-- Khushwant Singh, I Shall Not Hear the Nightingale

 

What a great flowery languag the English language is. Hobson-jobson - now that is pure delight.

I had never heard of that before.

 

The wonderful Professor Toates

Is free will an illusion?

Edward Stourton continues to revisit passionate broadcast debates from the archives - exploring the ideas, the great minds behind them and echoes of the arguments in the present day.

In the third episode, the very notion of free will is up for question - do we have it? B F Skinner was an American behaviourist and one of the most influential psychologists since Sigmund Freud. To confront his quite controversial views on the human condition was an equally brilliant Donald Mackay, who in 1971 when they met on US television, was a British academic at the cutting edge of a new discipline called neuroscience.

Skinner had just published Beyond Freedom and Dignity, where he set out his contentious blueprint for a utopian society. He believed that if human beings were prepared to give up their freedom, which was an illusion anyhow, their behaviour could be controlled in such a way that would solve some of the greatest challenges of our times, such as climate change and crime.

The mass social experiments that Skinner proposed met vehement opposition from Mackay. Is Skinner's bleak determinism, his assumption about our inability to follow our own intentions, just plain wrong? Today, the discussion continues - the latest research on the mind has yielded surprising results. Experiments that measure activity in different regions of the brain have shown that what we feel to be a conscious intention, a thought that is put into action, is in fact sparked by the unconscious part of the brain, which is beyond our knowing control.

In the studio are Angus Gellatly, professor of cognitive psychology at Oxford Brookes University, and Frederick Toates, who is professor of biological psychology at the Open University.

Prof Toates said it matters what you believe - if you believe in frewill you will behave differently than if you believe in determinism. This has been proven empirically.
Conscious intention - mind boggling.

I just don't get it!

Hi to all our relos and friends
I thought I'd send you another update on our dear L's health and battle against this horrible disease. Perhaps this is the easy way out as we find it upsetting and hard to phone everyone so you'll have to excuse having to read about things.
On Saturday night L had a nasty scare when she found that part of her bowel had came out of the stoma and M took her up to A&E. They kept her in and yesterday she had an operation to replace it back into position and told Mark that it had all gone to plan, they also gave her 3 units of blood on Sunday. The nurse told her last night that her haemoglobin count was only 6.3% when it should be 12.0% something and they do not like it to go down lower then 10% this is all medical talk to me but it does seem quite important that they have got it back up and she did look better for it with some colour back in her face when I saw her last night.
This of course has resulted in her missing her last 2 out the of 10 sessions of radiotherapy down at Maidstone so they are thinking of transferring her to Maidstone Hospital, today perhaps, so she would be on site to receive the last 2 sessions - it still remains to be seen.
The radiotherapy has left her feeling very tired and we have had to get a wheelchair for her as her walking has deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks but the chair has at least made it easier for her to get to the Oncology Unit from the car park.
Luckily M is on holiday this week and was hoping to take the girls out a couple of times and they haven't had must of a summer holiday so far this year and they are hoping to be able to go to stay with some friends on Thursday for a few days, so at least they will be doing something different instead of being at home getting bored.
One day I hope to be able to write a lot happier note with some more positive good news and just hope it will be soon.
We thank you for your concern and best wishes you have sent in the past you have all been so kind.
Love from
A.O & U.R

I opened my emails to this news. She is 41 yrs old - 3 young and lovely little girls!
Last evening E was on the phone, so sad having visited her mum and dads friend G. He has been in her life since she was born and she has always considered him and valued him as someone important in her life. For 6 years now he has been battling with Cancer and now it has won. We were talking last night about this vociferous disease and how it grows and grows sucking life for it's own growth. And yet it kills itself by killing it's prey. Not a very clever disease after all.
I was so sad as I listened to E and thought of L but also of my mum. I was glad to be there when she was so, so ill and then died. I wish I had been more compus mentas though. It was such early days after Sturt and although there I was still not fully there. Anyone who has got themselves into recovery of any sort will probably understand what I mean by that.
I wish I could have spoken with her more and been there when it was getting bad. It seemed all so quick for my mum. She had bowel Cancer. That must have been the tail end of 1999 and into 2000. I went into Sturt in 2000. She died of secondary Cancer in November 2001. It was a horrid fight for her. The chemo was so severe she decided to halt the procedure. I always always regret not staying for her birthday. I was too busy being involved with SH. I helped her in the morning and then cried off the actual party. She must have known it was her last but didn't say anything to me. I can never get that time back or make amends for my absence. And it plays on my heart pain when I think about it.
E said that G is very gracious. He is making it so easy for friends and family to be full of their sorrow. He told E that he is not afraid of dying. It's simply the end of living. But he also doesn't want to go. He feels dreadful for leaving his wife who he is completely in love with. She has been widowed before and he feels guilt for putting her through this again. How very selfless in a selfish sort of way, I thought. I can understand not wanting to go. He is grieving the loss of everything and his friends and family are grieving the loss of him as they know it is soon. How very strange it seems when someone is with it and organising themselves. My mum seemed so out of it. Drugged and then slipped into a coma for a week.
How peculiar - the message from TUT today ...

So much to be thankful for, huh, Bliss?
Yet so little time.
Let me start with you -
    The Universe

So much time I spend worrying about not being attractive or the right shape and not having enough money. And yet this is all so meaningless in the greater scheme of things. All of my life I have had discontentment and disappointment. It's been a funny start I know and that left me with so much distortion. And now as I am readjusting the view it makes sense to be grateful and enjoy what is good than look at what is missing or not quite right.
I moan about the work, home, study triangle.
I am grateful for the car I have and can afford just enough to get me to work and home again. This enables to have a ob that I enjoy with people I like working with which happens to be a bit of a drive away. It also enables me to get LouLou cared for during the day from wonderful and generous friends. The job gives me money that makes this social world tick. I can afford heating and so on so that my home is comfortable. I have fabulous views - a display of colours every evening and morning - and a very pleasant roof over my head. I can live in this peaceful and pleasant village because of all the things I have to help me get about and because I can pay the rent.
I have funds to get out and about now and again. Galleries, little holidays for example.
I can do my studying which is so interesting and keeps my mind active and interested in the world and the way it works.
I meet fascinating people. People come and they go. The going leaves room for more and new to come in. I am never ever bored.
I can observe myself through my emotions and the thinking that I do, which I think is a very special gift from God, the universe and everything - becoming more consciously aware of self. It is so interesting.
I feel uplifted just thinking about the things that I am grateful for. There isn't time to experience everything and understand all. But I can stay present and enjoy this gift rather than fritter away time worrying about tomorrow or what I haven't got or what isn't quite right. There will always be something that isn't
After all if you look for the cracks in the walls you will find them as they are there. However, there is the rest of the wall and beyond!
What I cannot reconcile is why bad things happen to good people. It seems mean to bring such awful suffering to people that were just going about living their lives.
The Soham girls always springs to my mind. And when people say it is meant to be I do not buy into that. I can accept synchronicity, but it is meant to be! Nah! An evil man murdered those two little girls, that is not meant to be surely. It suggests that God is on charge of everything all of the time. He gave man freewill if we take from the meaning of Genesis. And man is doing with his freewill some destructive things. Lessons? For the good of mankind overall or gradually the extinction of man by man. Perhaps the few that reach Nirvana or peaceful knowing live on as the gentle giants such as dolphins and whales. I know that is random. It is a result of watching a wonderful programme about dolphins and whales. Their way of working together and their apparent emotional peace. And someone said perhaps they are the ones that found peace and decided to return to the sea and stop destroying the world like man is doing. It was disregarded with disdain and contempt. But it made me smile and I had a sense of knowing what was meant.
But why should people be killed off that are good? Perhaps it is simply the destruction of man is not choosy. It doesn't select particularly evil actors because actually it is the race as a whole.
There are no lessons to be learnt unless we learn them. I do not change fast enough to make a difference. I am still greedy for things and experiences. I want to learn and grow but look to externals for this development. I am not developed enough to be able to learn from within. I want money and things (not so much things). I want comfort and security. If only I could simplify and trust more and more. I mix with people who in the main are similar to me. I could move beyond these circles and therefore remove the competitiveness in me and become more content with just how things are.
You see then I am not being grateful for what I have got instead seeking something else. If that becomes possible as a peace within me then it will be so. I can start simplifying once again. I did it before and enjoyed the freedom I felt. Gradually I will work towards this.

I had a dream but have forgotten it yet it seemed so important when I was in the midst of the dream. Oh well.


Bliss
XX

Different events in different places

Clear paths

The Power of Emptiness

The mind is completely silent, we are attentive – a clear consciousness,
All meanings, boundaries disappear – us and the Infinite are "One";
Practically, we have a new mind – always fresh.

Being in the pause – I become infinite!
It separates two worlds. I leave the limited world
And enter Boundlessness, through total melting;
The whole being is calm – a constant sparkle.

There is no time, no space – just everlasting Eternity;
I move in direct contact with life, in a permanent present.
I am Pure Energy, without motivations.
Ilie Cioara

Murderer at large

I had a dream that I didn't realise was a dream for quite some time. This is unusual as I am aware most of the time that I am dreaming and therefore feel a semblance of control about the direction of the dream. I had a dream last week as well when I wasn't aware I was in a dream. I can't remember the content but I think that was also fearful.
In this dream Derek was involved. I cannot quite remember how he was involved. I was staying in this sort of hotel, which has reminded of a nightmare style dream from ages ago. I lived in this room and next door was this older man. He informed me that he was going to kill someone. He suckered me into the plans telling me that I could not tell anyone. I completely believed him but I cannot recall the reasons it was imperative he killed someone. I can see him. He was old and thin, maybe in his 70's. He was bald and wrinkly skin. He was wearing a brown suit. Little wiry glasses. He was upright and quite able-bodied. His room was dark with just one room. I saw the rifle, in fact I can see him holding it and walking around the room with it. I had known him as my neighbour and felt warm and friendly and sort of protective in a way.
That someone he was going to kill though was one of my best friends A. I was terrified and told Derek and he too told me that I mustn't break the mans confidence. I went off to the big conference thinking that I should tell someone but that I couldn't. I remember looking back at the hotel and there were two buildings, both modern and low-rise (is there such a thing) maybe just 2 or 3 storeys high, which I thought was odd. I was confused as to which one I lived in. one was the Intercontinental. As I got to the big meeting hall A and her mum were sitting at the back. I sat next to A and suddenly could not bear the thought of her being killed, shot dead. I sat there for a while, becoming more conscious somehow of the reality of what was going to take place. I knew he would be preparing to be on his way. I didn't say anything to A but ran off to tell the authorities. One was Rosa the nurse and she was sort of security amongst others in the room. They were in a room that was all windows and lunging about. I was trying to explain the urgency and I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. At this point of panic I realised I was in a dream and could wake myself up. I did and shook myself with the angst I was feeling. I felt guilty too for not having listened to my initial thoughts of how wrong the mans intentions were.
Very strange. Dreams often are.
I just spoke with A and told her my dream. I know she doesn't get superstitious about such things. But is also interested in the emotions that are evoked by dreams. I wonder what had triggered all of that?

Anyway I am currently struggling with getting my essay done and now I will need more time this week. I better put in for the extension. I am now off on Monday as well and doing Aftercare on Tuesday so have time off which is lovely. However I have to use annual leave entitlement for the privilege. This Bank Hol situation is most peculiar really. Not what I am used to I suppose from an industry sector. Private hospitals are a rule unto themselves. They say they are not making good profits. I suppose I have to believe them and be grateful they take measures to keep the place operating. Although this year we have been busy almost consistently.
Anyway I am off so can enjoy the longer than planned rest.
I am concerned about being able to maintain my studies. My working days are too long for me. what I would like is a shorter working week without losing any income. I am struggling already with income.
I would like to be travelling less but still working in this field that I love. I would truly like to get a job at Sporting Chance plus be able to start getting my own practice together and with that have more time for me as well as enough money to cover all expenses and a little for me. I am not a big spender and still struggling to cover all my costs. I do get to do some nice things but I rarely buy clothes or take any pampering for me. After Christmas I will stop paying out the loan for my car which will help enormously. But not with time.
I need money and time. Or do I give up my course?
So many options and yet they all involve giving up something and is it greedy to want it all?
I laugh as these really are high class problems right now. I have a roof over my head that actually is pretty splendid compared to lots. I have an income that enables me to enjoy certain luxuries and pleasures. I have a job I enjoy. I have good friends. I have LouLou. I have a car and can afford the fuel at the moment. Yep I have a lot but have a dilemma as well. And so far I do not know which of the suggestions feels most right.
One that does make sense is to see if I can get a transfer of living to Grayshot. I believe they will simply say no but unless I ask .......

I do often feel ashamed of the way in which my decision to live my life has resulted in me with nothing to show for the high flying business woman. So many properties I have walked away from. Crazy me. But unstable enough to be able to deal with it all. If only people had known then that it was bi-polar related. I wonder if things would have been different.
It's never ever been boring though. I just need support to be more stable and contain me when I am higher. All I ever got was a telling off and disappointment from others. When what I really needed was help! Gosh it all seems so clear now looking back. I can see the high swings and the crazy involvements. It just wasn't overly severe or I gave a semblance of normality in between. Yep it's as clear as day now.
Right away from this distraction and write write write

Bliss
XX

Fuzzy Felts