Spies sewn into the regimental breeches

A good film I thought. I just think John Le Carre writes a marvel of a story anyway. A told me how the party in the film, which was not in the book, evolved as an anecdote from Le Carre from his time in MI5 or was it MI6? What's the difference anyway????. A party, everyone got drunk and the evening ended with the police arriving when a window was broken. Ironic really.
Gary Oldman did a good job although as G said he was miscast as the character was supposed to be much older according to Le Carre's description. I though he had a certain command about him. I think the filming ensured the focus was entirely centred on the complicated and intriguing relationships and interactions - disloyalty, deceit, double-crossing.
There were shots of the Cities but these were secondary to the camera being on the people. I liked this approach. Great filming can be a beauty asset to a film but in this case it was never about places which really are incidental. It's about the people.
Directed by Tomas Alfredson
Director of Let the Right One In - yes good directing in my opinion not that I know anything at all about directing a film ha ha ha - but this one worked well for me.
One thin I noticed is that Big Ben was very clean but in the 70's London was very grungy dirty. In the shot it was in the distance, the actors were standing at a window with Big Ben in the background. Nice and sparkly clean.
I enjoyed it and it was great to be seeing it on the big screen.

I had a lovely lunch with P. He paid- We went to Jamie's which I thought was very gimmicky. All the serving gimmicks which are products that can be bought of course. Clever money spinner for sure. The food was alright, the service appalling and the noise levels ridiculous. I wonder if anyone here has ever heard of the things JH had mentioned - something stuck under chairs that I think he said absorb noise. Anyway for me it was a fast food style - it is really popular because Jamie is. I am probably very out of style or something but to me it's not a classic that will last. However he is surely making a packet!!

Then I walked over to the cinema. A missed call from A! I called back only to be asked what I thought about them not coming. I listened to the decision backwards forwards and then said I was disappointed at which point A said they were going to make it. I felt the codee cringe in me. I think the decision was taken by A because I had said I was disappointed. I ha to leave that choice with her but eeeek it was uncomfortable. I was disappointed as I had organised my time and plans specifically to ensure I kept to the agreed arrangements. And I was there! Anyway they did make it. A with her red irritated eye and G with her bad back. I wasn't a fabrication which I thought it might have been. It's all too easy to just back out. Which is one thing I am glad about not backing out from yesterday evening. I really didn't want to go and yet I really wanted to go. It was easy and pleasant and more than that I am glad to have made the effort for Kim - and I do that because I value.Similarly with H and H tomorrow, I am going because I value them and able to put aside my issues. Also with P - I organised my time to be able to meet him for lunch because I value him. It's odd really because there's not an awful lot to talk to him about outside of work. I wonder more about him, interests etc but we don't talk about those things and I don't think he's interested in that of me.
So A and G arrived much to my surprise. I am glad because I enjoyed being out at the cinema. I treated them as a thank you for looking after LouLou - which makes me feel better more than it probably does anything for them.

So a good day - friends and film.

Bliss
xx

Nagasaki bombo

She's visiting from SA for just a month. It felt so lovely to be sitting next to her ... there was a sense of home and calm about being with her. K is one of the wonderful people in life that I have met. Sincere, honest, thoughtful and agreeable. What a lovely gift of friendship. And to think I haven't seen her for two years. No on would have known that I am sure. And now we are meeting for a coffee on Wednesday too for a one to one catch up. I feel very honoured and privileged.
I did feel at ease with the person I am - I didn't like that I had been so certain that E worked in Godalming only to realise later that she didn't. I was wondering why - I think there is some financial security and envy that manifests. Let me be clearer about the scenario (I am a little cagey just in case any friends are beginning to discover the Blog and recognise themselves and me but that realisation in itself is learning as if there are any behaviours or thoughts I would not be happy to share then there is something going on - shame is a strong indicator that something isn't sitting comfortably - privacy and discretion is something else I think). Anyway let's get this out with clarity.
Recently M was saying that she had seen a job advertised for £30k - Godalming job. That scares me. I feel more comfortable when I think there are others like me - not so financially free and easy - I would feel left out perhaps if they were able to afford lots of things that I can't afford. I know I can't afford so much but when there are others like me then I feel OK with the situation. How weird is that. This is jealousy and insecurity. I think also that they would want to spend less time with me doing their other things with other people and I would feel even more alone in the world.
It's so selfish. I  don't like how this looks. Anyway When I said that I think E works there - I can't quite remember whether I said think or does I was trying to be encouraging with a under current of jealousy. I would actually be so happy and enthusiastic for M to be successful in just the way she desires and to be financially comfortable would be wonderful. It would not stop me feeling jealous or is it envious, I am never quite sure.
envy - a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.
covetousness - wrongly desirous.
And envious is the emotional expression of that envy
I take that to mean wanting for oneself for example what someone else has.
jealous - feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed by of )
            - characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.

I think the jealousy is much more nasty actually but I am not sure that I get this the right way round as people often say envy is worse than jealousy. Yet jealousy is fuelled with resentment and in my opinion can involve for example the jealous person not wanting the other person to have either.

I do not feel like this overall but do get scared that if someone else has they won't be interested in me. I think with M I do feel insecure at times. And I think some of this is fuelled by realising that she can withdraw easily and doesn't trust. There may be some sort of counter transference there for me. It is not completely clear. But I like M very much indeed and would like her friendship eternally. When M talks about friendships though I get a sense that it's sort a forewarning not to expect friendship and I'm sure she has said that if I didn't keep in contact with her she wouldn't keep in contact with me. Or maybe that's what I have interpreted. Blimey interaction is complex at times.

Anyway the discomfort or embarrassment is that I didn't ever acknowledge with M when I thought about it later that E maybe didn't work there but did work for a wildlife charity. So when it was raised last night I cringed with that knowledge of myself. More work to o on ME.

Anyway this is a convoluted journey around me sort of tying in M with E and a well paid job. Whatever it is what I don;t like is that I made yet another statement as if I know when actually I thought but wasn't certain. I am practicing changing this because I don't know much at all - the more I do learn the more I realise I don't know.
And yet I know some things.

It was lovely seeing S as well - he is a funny fella. Full of energy and sharp in his thoughts. He has a direction which sounds so exxciting. Interestingly he is forging forward and towards a PhD with gentics and biology in some form that I didn't fully understand. It is really exciting. He triuly has a quikc and able mind - far from the young guy that I first met around 9 years ago or 8, I'm not sure. He has grown enormously just being himself. Quite self assured outwardly. I think beofer he was a lot self assured in his arrogance. Maybe he is truly is at ease with being him. I hope so.


I felt strange yesterday - not having anything t have to study and doing things without the guilt of "should be studying". It felt weird and thumb twiddling. What did I do?
Well this mroning I sorted out admin paperwork. I started learning how to use the OU online library. Well practicing according to their help pages. I don't think their help pages are very easy for me to udnerstand. It all seems coplicated to me and wonder if that's just me.
I watched the Gene Code - part 2. I have found the whole thing fascinating and interesting.
I watched White Ribbon last evening. A German film


It brought to mind The Salem Witchcraft trial of 1692 and which was the story of the film Crucible.
(How I love the internet to help me research this because my memory loses so much information like names for example).
I thought it was a very good film. Michael Haneke is the director. I wonder what his inspiration is for his films. The original version of Funny Games was so so sinister. I like his work though. There is a feel of sinister mystery and evil. It was told so well with the protaginst being a talk over story teller. I love the black and white feel taking me really to the times it was suposed to be portraying. That's an odd thing to say because life would have been in colour but filming at those times of course wasn't. When did cine come into existence - Internet!!!
Cristian Friedal is the school teacher who is recounting the events of this strange cillage community. He has done little and this is his second fil. I thought he played the part well. Unassumingly. It will be interesting to see what he does next.
And yes miving film was in the late 1800's early 1900's so the first world war would have been cpatured in black and white.

I am off to have lunch with P. I feel very honoured actually as I don't think P lets people easily into his private life. And his life has changed beyond all recognition in many many ways over the last 10 years. Significantly now with the death of his lovely mother. I know for me I was bereft and didn't know how to manage without my mum. I am certain there is a massive hole i his life right now. I wish for him to stand still and give himself time. I think P's standing still is to be on the move - change everything. I can relate to that. Run from the enormity of the emotions. I had SH to help me to stand still but looking bac I was all over the place.
Then this evening I am seeing Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy with A and G. I am looking forward to being at the big screen. It's a novelty these days.

Off now to late lunch
Bliss
XX

Decency - and notes about decency on a biological level

I was just wondering if there are actually decent and honest guys.
I see perhaps there are with others but I haven't met one and that's probably a lot to do with me rather than them
Bliss
xx

The formation of an attachment and a bond. Monogamy - 97% of species are not manogamous but there are examples other than humans do form monogamous relationships.
Perhaps the evolutionary reason for this is that it takes two to raise the offspring. So unlike previous theories that say the male of the species simply has to spread the gene pool widely to ensure the survival of that genetic line. However, perhaps the way that humans have evolved beyond that.
Nothing human is unique? Perhaps but there are traces of behaviours that are evident in other species.
Like the strong bond of the mother and the child.
The relationship between the father and the child - he's often present in most cultures.
The relationship with the mother and father. This is not usual in many others species. The male mates and then moves on.
What is the biochemistry underlying behaviour and the biogenetics - using an a
Furryballs? Socially monogamous. They form partnerships and usually stick together for life. However if he is out in the prairie and comes across another female he may mate with that female. But he returns to the female he has formed the attachment with. Apparently the female may do the same.

It's not sexual exclusivity or genetic monogamy - its a formation of an attachemtn and a bond.

Evolution only in 3 % of species. It arises independently multiple times.
Why be monogamous? It seems more adaptive for a male to mate with as many females as possible.
But - it takes two to raise a family - resouces may be hard to come b or to protect from predators in the environment.
If he werent around he might have humdreds of babies but none of them survive. But mongamy means there ciuld be an increased chance of survival.
It may be difficult to come by a great partner. The deep sea angler fish is a good example of a fish that finds it difficult to find a female. So when he does he forms a long lasting relationships. They become one - literally. Apart from his hypothalamus and his "gonads".
Monogamy - the ability to form attachmanets may have formed from the mother baby bond - it gave rise to this social attachment.
Oxytocin - critical for reproduction and secretes at the breat to stimulate mik ejection.
Birth and nutrient responsibility. Hypothalamus is involved. Positive ffeedback as when the baby sucles oxytocin ensures more milk secreted.

Rats - virgin females don't like babies. When the female goes through pregnancy a woman goes through a change and the baby suddenly is attractive - oxytocin is involved in this.

Sheep give birth in a breeding season. When the lamb is born it can walk around. The ewew likes babies and in particular my baby - oxytocin is involved - vaginal stimulation stimulates the production of oxytocin.

The bond between two adults. -
Experiment to see if rodents bond - time spent together in cohabitation then separated and given a choice to go back together.

Is oxytocin involved in the bonding between two adults?
Experiments do suggest that oxytocin present in the brain encourages bonding.

Furryballs (Prairie Vole) crave social contact contrasted with voles who are very solitary - promiscuous and  do not form bonds
So what is different between these rodents?
The oxytocin levels are the same but what is different is the receptors of the neurons.
A big difference ....
They have high density of oxytocin receptors in nucleus accumbens which is involved in addiction.
If we inject a blocker into the receptors in this area then there is no bond formed in the animals.

I alone therre is no oxytocin released but if mating there is a dump of oxytocin

and another molecule vasopressin - sexually dimorphic - males have much more than fenales
responsible for male typical behaviour - territorial behaviour ie dogs peeing everywhere
Its also responsible for male bonding with female partner.
Interesting implications for differences between bonding in the male and the female
Female to male - nurturing
male to fenmale - territorial

Vasopressin system - located in same areas but the location of areas that respond to vasopressin
in the ventral pallidum - which is connected to the n.a - also involved in reward in addcition
if blocked then there is no bonding.

How do you go from a molecule to a bond?
Subtle effect but important - responsibility to process social cues of others.
similar eyes nose mouth - eyes fine tuned to pick out unique features - recognition.
Some creature use smell for recognition.

Oxytocin lacking = social amnesia
Experiment observing sniffing which reduces each time they encounter.
If no oxytocin then they cannot remember each other. So oxytocin makes social signals more salient
Dopamine - involved in reward - reinforcement
Opiioids - maing pleasure - hedonia

Male mating - activiate VTA where dopamine is made - released to n.a and ventral pallidum - pleasure area and that's what makes sex rewarding
Prairie vole (furryball) - receptors involved in social discrimination are concentrated in the reward area where the dopamine is being released at the same time - there is an integration of the social cues of the parntern and the reward of the socil inteaction
a perception of the social cues and recogntion of the prairie vole
They have the receptops there allowing them to link the social coding. Different brain physiology

Genetic changes in an experiement have further supported this.

Diversity of behaviour - different behaviours in different species

Oxytocing - diverisyt in receptor patterns in different species giving rise to different social interaction in different species
Virgin rats don't like pups. Virgin prairie voles seriously maternal
Humans - individual variation - individual variation in brain physiology - different behaviours
Can this be ttracked to DNA?
Differences in behaviour related to difference in the expression of the gene

Gene - coding region that makes the protein that does the job - a set of instructions determines how much of the gene is going to be made.
Parts make the protein - almost identical except for very slight changes
ie. Prairie vole had a coding for the gene tat is much longer than the meadow vole
And then within the same species slight variations - individuality

Create differnt lines of voles for one little variation of DNA
receptor expression in the brain determined by specific DNA coding and therefore predict the social behaviour. So genes play an important part in species difference and individual varioations
But experience and events play an important part as well - parental behaviour shapes offspiring behaviour as well.

Human experience and oxytocin observation
abuse in childhood - and oxytocin lower levels

Humans - same genes as animals - similar will apply
Hippocampus and amygdala - oxytocin receptors predict how the human will act

Human literature explosions related to oxytocin.
If we sniff it it can pass the blood brain barrier and get into the brain - what does this do?
It enhances trust - more likely to trust another person.
But it doesn't actually pass the blood-brain barrier efficiently.

Oxytocin role in the human brain
increases amount of time perosn looks into the eye region of another person
eyes are where a lot of socisl interaction occurs
Also increases "mind reading" infer the emotions of other peopk,e by just looking at the other poeson face - Theory of mind
it also increase some aspects of empathy
females sow more empathy than males but with increased oxytocin empathy levels increase in males
it increase socially reinforced learning - learn a task based on trials - reinforcement = a smiling face at them -people with oxytocin learned how to do the task faster when given positive reinforcement
it increase the memory of familiar faces
it increase the inmporatnce/focus to the social stimuli

Important clinical implications ....
correct disorders of social problems in the brain - autism disorder for example
deficits in social reprocity and integration - problems in communication - repetitive and restrictive behaviours
not one single autism - a collection of disorders giving rise to similar gentoype
all work through different disorder -so therefore difficult to medicate
maybe though enhancing soocial learnign might help - ie social reward and reinforcemtn - therefore perhaps oxytocin + dopamine and opiods involved in reward and reinforcement and pleasure

All could help - and improve social functioing
BUT lilmitations we don't know hoe much gets into the brain or travels through the brain when sniffed - intranasal

If we knew where the ocytocin receoptors were on the neurons - they could dump oxytocin -
One ,molecule found when given a specific drug - it targets a receptor that is in oxytocin neurons
if get the drug that hits this receptor there is an improvement in bonding more strongly as dumped directly into areas precisely where these receptors are
and longer memory of the bonding too

maybe the drug can enhance social learning that will imporve the efficacy of therapies when attempting to help people with deficiences that are creating dysfunction for a person

Gone gone gone

It's gone. My assignment is submitted - the end of the course. Fascinating and demanding and tiring and exciting. But all finished. I hope I pass and better than that I hope I get a 2:1.
I so need to be working less to really be able to apply myself the the levelt that I do now believe I am nore than capable of. It is not satisfying doing things in a half measured way because of time restraints. However, it is satisfying in many other ways.
I am free now - assignment gone. I am free to enjoy the next few days off without the pressure of studying and writing and interpreting.
Yipppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

And thanks to everyone sinlge one of my friends and associates who support me.

Bliss
XX

The gift of the present

ADVENTURERS WARNING:
Sometimes, being your true radiant self, living in the moment, glad for all you already have and who you already are, Bliss, isn't always easy.
Nope, such conditions create the precise moment in one's life when the floodgates of physical abundance swing open the farthest, giving rise to that persistent, nagging "issue of the ages": where to put it all.
Really -  
    The Universe

I cannot write right at this moment on this posit. However, I will savout the moment as recently I have been able to apply this easily. An it therefore has influenced my decisions. I do have fears about financial security and with that comes an immediate anxiety of what I can't have and won't be able to afford. An instant move away from the above sentiment.
Must get on - will be back

Bliss
XX

Multiple choice life

It's as if before you there are countless doorways, all leading to new and different hallways. So you wonder and think, calculate and stress, over whether or not you'll knock on the "right" one.
But what you can't yet see, Bliss, is that all of the hallways beyond all of the doorways eventually lead to the same great room, in the same great house, with the same great party.
So, may as well pick the one you want? Huh?  
    The Universe

I whole-heartedly concur. I don't think there are any wrong paths there are simply paths. Follow anyone and I am me, consistently me. And I develop some more me as I follow my choices. Perhaps my choice are even an indication of me. Individuality. N=Everything is intertwined. Me has been contributed to from the moment of conception an influences in early days contributed to me and choices. Choices were presented that were nothing to do with me, they were there regardless of me.
Pick a path and develop on the journey. The journey involves emotions, new information, people and varying interactions, different terrain to negotiate and navigate. None of it is wrong. It simply is. Embrace it.
There we are my thoughts
Bliss
XX

Book of Job

Where were you when I lai the earth's foundations?
Tell me since you are so well informed! ...

When all the stars of the morning were singing with joy
and the sons of God in chorus were chanting praise?

Job 38:4 and 7

Grace -
Tthe way of nature and the way of grace. Choose which one to follow.
Grace doesn't try to please itself. Grace accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked.
It accepts insults and injuries.
Nature only wants to please itself. And others to please it too.
It likes to Lord it a little
To have it's own way
It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining all around it
 and love is smiling at all things
He taught us that no one who loves the way of grace
never comes to a bad end
I will be true to you
Whatever comes .....
(The words spoken at the beginning of the film Tree of Life.)

Something else I picked up - Is boredom anything less than the sense of one's faculties slowly dying?
Lots to debate but I need to focus - getting somewhere but not fast. At least I am getting somewhere

Bliss
XX