State of flux

Another wonderful day - just a way of living. She says with a beaming smile. A little trepidation flutters in then as I remember who low and bleak things can become. But rather than allow the good time to pass based on a projection, I choose today to enjoy the good feeling. Thank you Higher Power.
Funny it is - how I do not want to use the word God for fear of being thought of as religious. I use the word God as a three letter word that can very simply encompass the complexity of what my Higer Power is. I use capital letters because ....? I don't know. Is it to signify the utter importance of God in my life today or because it's a fear based conform. I'm not sure. Superstition I think rather than importance. I will stop bothering as a capital letter is of absolute no consequence comapred to the epth of meaning and trust I have for today.
Thank you god for the trust I have in you today.

I set off with the sun rising ...... I stopped en route because of the colours in the sky.

I was disappointed the other day to have missed the meteorite shower - supposed to have been happening at 7 am. I pulled over and nothing other than the twinkling flasshes of planes flying straight to an airport somewhere. However I am so grateful to have the light shows on a regular basis morning and evening. And because I'm in the countryside I can really see them if you know what I mean.

I was also grateful to Vodafone this morning. Second time in a month so this is very encouraging about service standards ..... the signal is intermittent. More off than on. I wondered if the recent high winds have damaged the most local mast or something. Anyway whilst walking LouLou around the village the signal was more consistent so I called Vodafone explaining the situation. I was informed that the strength of songal in this area is not good, 2G as opposed to 3G. So the gentleman dealing with my enquiry said he would send me out a some sort of device, he named it but I didn;t take much notice. He said it's usually at a cost of £30 but he was providing this free of charge. I am very thankful for this great solution idea. I hope it resolves the issue as suggested, when it arrives. A couple of weeks a go a very helpful Vodafone gentleman offered me 1000 free landline minutes just for this month. A very nice Christmas present. And then I go an blow it all by calling T back and back and back charging up goodness know what costs as her phone is a Norway number. I was a little resentful actually that I was helping her, to which she was in a stressful situation and never once called me. That's my over helpfulness - I can let it go an maybe learn from this something. If I apply a step exercise to the situation .... hmmm well let's see.....
step 1:

Write down all ways in which you are powerless, and how acting out/focusing on the situation/person makes your life unmanageable.

Well I am powerless over whether T likes me for me or not. If she decides she doesn't and wants to move away from the friendship then I am powerless over that. I also cannot make her like me more or behave differently and more connected. Focusing on trying to make contact happen or more togetherness just leaves me feeling frustrated and also rejected. I feel silly too and needy which erodes away at my self esteem. And of course a lack of self esteem can trigger all sorts of more needy behaviour, a spiral downwards and not good for my psyche generally. Yesterday I ended up making expensive phone calls that I cannot afford to try and ease her stress that she wouldn't blame me and reject me and yet I felt cross too that she seemed to be stressed at me and blaming me for her predicament. And then hardly grateful at all that I had helped her. I was then thinking she was selfish and angry with her. But I said nothing at all. I will add that gradually that diminished - I was not needy at all and in fact was able to step back and just be myself, happy and carefree. Otherwise when my jealousy started rising, coupled with the resentment I was feeling, I would have found ways to dislike her all together. There was a lot I did let go of and by stepping back from jealousy I felt warmth and love. So it was not all bad but I think that is to counter what I did feel about this expensive phone call I have costed myself. And I know she has a lot more money than I do.

Step 2: 

Write down any ways in which you think a HP could restore you to sanity on this issue.  What does sanity/freedom look like?  What help would you like?

Sanity fo freedom looks like, letting go with love and not blaming T. Being able to know that her stress and what seemed like blame is her issue. Sanity and freedom also looks like me knowing that I was doing my best beause I could and wanted to even at a cost, I wanted to help my friend out of her predicament. How my HP can work is by helping me to let go, and has already helped by letting me look at things from a slightly broader perspective already. Also helping me to find the way to say on another occasion can you call me as I cannot afford all the costs and if that meant she decided to do something else instead - well then be able to let that be. Trusting in my HP that all things are OK even if T then decided to abandon me. I think she was close to giving up in her stressful anger. I would love to be able to talk to her about the whole situation and understand the communication thing. HP if that's possible please show me the way as I instantly feel fear contemplating raising the matter. I chose to call back and not say anything, it would just have been nice if she had offered but she didn't.

Step 3:

Write down how turning it over to this HP is essential.  (perhaps you can write a prayer, a declaration, a letter, whatever feels appropriate)
Well as there seem as always to be interconnected matters I can make it very complex indeed and so I need to turn it all over to my HP in the first instance to keep things simple. Stop analysing. I don't honestly know if raising the matter is necessary or not, it would be purely for selfish reasons and perhaps it would be better to discuss it with someone else - sponsor first. I will. And turning over the neediness is essential because then it is possible I will be able to be more boundaried and find the balance between generosity from my soul but looking after my own best interest at the same time.
Dear God, please help to know and understand what is the best thing to do, thy will be done. Amen.

Step 4:

Write down your part – your behaviour – what patterns/habits/feelings are involved:
pride, fear, shame, selfishness, dishonesty.....

Wanting to be helpful driven by friendship but also neediness of friendship in return. If I do something good for this person they will like me.  With T  never feel I can fully trust the friendship ie although we are in contact, I don't feel her total commitment to the friendship and I am afraid she will leave the friendship. Therefore I go over the top even though I am doing things I would generally offer to do anyway just to be helpful. There is a motive more than altruism. I want to feel secure and trusting becaue then I'm OK. I would add that there was of course altruism too as I do care and wanted to be helpful.
Fear and insecurity type fear too which manifests as neediness, self-centredness, dishonesty in the form of saying what I'd like ie call me back. There are probably more but need some input from outside from someone I trust.
Oh jealousy - I did all that and then she ignores me and puts more importance on B and not only that she is thinner than me!! Envy? Jealousy? I am never sure which and then that minfests as me thinking scratchy thoughts about the things that aren't so perfect ha ha - yet I dislike that about my thinking. Thank my HP for showing me to put that aside.


Step 5:

Share this with another human being.

I will share this with someone before I go on...... who? L comes to mind since it is she who shared hers recently with me. And I would like to try and do this following the suggestions rather than taking my usual short cuts. Oh or A too ...

Learning that all my shortcomings are based in fear.

Do I have T on a pedestal? There are times when I'm at ease with T and other times I feel unsure around her.
I let myself down by not asking her to call me back - pride.
Friends are friends with me because they want to be in their way - trust them. Trust my HP my friendship is what is.

Lonely. Drives my fear. I can be uncomfortable being alone.

Perfectionism - high expectaions on others - not allowing a person to be themselves.
get let down disappointed. Set myself up to have to be perfect for everyones needs rather than Am i enough?
Its not what's on the outside - whats on in the inside

Step 6:

Are you willing to have these defects removed?  Write down any reservations to having these defects of character removed. 
Yes I really think I am ready - I was a little reluctant to accept that I have T on a pedestal which to me says there is a reluctance to let go of something. But there is something I have her on that means I am fearful around her. When friendship is just easy then I have nothing to fear. I would like to be just chilled around her and already do this morning - interesting. If she likes me it's because of me and that doesn't mean I need her hanging round my neck. Freedom - well a little anyway.
I want to be free of fear and jealousy and pride and dishonesty. I want to be free of these things.
Reservations - ?  It's impossible that I will never be able to be free because I am not spiritually and emotionally intelligent enough. This is not helpful thinking. Trust.
Reservations- the pedestal thing. Pride stopped me wanting to own that this was taking place. Excessive admiration - perhaps there's someting in T I cnsider lacking in myself - her independence and lack of neediness for one.
I don't know what my resevrations are - perhaps that will become more evident as I practice being different. Please God help me to be aware if it is t be.


Step 7:

a written handover of your defects – a prayer, letter, declaration

Dear God I handover to you my defects of jealousy, envy, pride, dishonesty, fear and insecurity. I give them to you to show me how to remove them and then how not to claw them back at the first sign of dificulty. I hand over the dishonesty with a view to you showing me how to be more honest. This is a biggy for me I feel. Also I handover to you the high regard I hold for others which often turns out to be high expectations and then let down.
Thank you for showing me these sortcomings, being gentle on me only taking them when I am ready to see them and hand them over to you. Please show me how to go forward without them.
Amen

Step 8:

Note all the people that have been harmed by this resentment/fear based behaviours:  (including you)
Me me and me - emotionally spiritually and financially.
The relationship between T and I but probably without her even knowing actually.

Step 9:

Write down a sentence of an amend that needs to be made.
I am sorry for not being able to be honest and speak out for my needs to be voiced and for being needy of another person which is damaging my very sense of worth. I am sorry for putting someone on a pedestal and therefore comparing resulting in despairing. We are al equal. Sorry for the stress and agst this evokes, when actually I can feel the calm which is always available. Thank you for being patient with me and sticking with things.

Step 10: 

continue to monitor behaviour each day (i.e. go back over step 4 and step 9 to remind yourself of only focusing on you)
 Phone call to E today - asking for help. This is good and supportive and reminded of the ease of friendship that I'd like to be offering to T.
I asked if we could speak with cost - we tried the various free devices until they didn't work and then E phoned me. At her cost even though I brought this to her attention she made a choice.

Step 11:

How can prayer and meditation help?  Consciously go beyond the initial ‘problem’ and look for a will greater than yours.

I'm not sure what thies mean to go beyond the problem. Does this mean think about what drives this behaviours and attitudes. When I do that I feel a mix of anger and sadness. I have not learnt somehow these things and the neediness I am sure derives from absent parents from when I was far too young to be alone. I was always chasing my mum. I think when she walked out on one occasion I was so scared and upset and she left me with my dad who is emotionally absent - even more so back then. All these things contribute along with other encounters in my life. Some tools of security seemed to go awry. And I have forged full steam ahead too - relationship after relationship always resulting in me being alone, friendships ruined by unconscious acts. All leaves me very scared that it will continue.
So Prayer eables me to seek support and just be close to God and then some serenity and trust trickles ove me - and I can feel alll ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Meditation - well enables me to sit quietly with these things and certainly know that in this moment nothing is "wrong". I can regain strength and often know what I need to do. As I do with JC (another story). Meditation slows everything up and creates time for contemplation. My quiet time I will take during today sometime.



Step 12:

write down how it helps to carry the message through service work with others.  What does carrying the message do for you and others in recovery?
 Carrying the message usually reinforces what I need to do - the next best thing. It also shows me achievements I've made, changes, development.
I am not sharing at meetigns right now but I can share with FA people when I call out without having to discuss the detail but that there is clarity and also effort I am making in difficult situations large or smaller.
 I show up at the moment. I make calls and receive calls. I share my experiences. It's all reinforcing and giving back too. I get to reinforce by giving a little away

Anyhow whilst I wait for my friend to call me so that I can move on from Step 5 I will continue writing.
I was very pleased with myself as I felt rivalry and jealousy rising in me. When T just wanted to get to B our shared sponsor I felt scratchy. I also felt jealous of her skinniness. I am learning that compareeerrrr eerrrr scratchiness manifesting.I hope that T's exercise regime and eating healthily resolves the problem and the ageing processes I am noticing are at times distressing. There have been times I am overwhelmed with them and can feel immense loss. So I do not wish anything like that on T in any way. She is my friend and I am delighted for her to be looking so good. I am for all the fellow FAers I've met. They are looking and sounding beautiful inside and out and I want that for anyone. I don't like the thinking I have. Awareness is 50% of the journey and please God help me to remove myself from this nastiness. Thank you if it is your will.
Anyway I did step back from my rivalry and felt warm and love as T was able to connect in person with B. She has been on the periphery and this was an opportunity to get close and personal. I hope she is not jealous of me in any way as the situation with A and C all those years ago was horrid in the end. I do not want that situation.
C was already A's sponsee. I did ask her if she minded me asking A to sponsor me and I became the golden girl. I worked at it and probably, no I certainly did manipulate it - I had more time and space for A. I turned her into a sort of surrogate mother really. And I was her top fledgling as she called us all. Yuch now that makes my skin crawl. It did at the time but to feel loved was more important. I would tolerate all that slushy rubbish to feel adored and special to someone. But C is a very jealous person and wow how to watch out for someone scorned. I was scorned by her being knocked out of potential position. I watched C's attempts at manipulation but she was never able to knock me out of place until .......
I did something A disapproved of. A told C that this was all related to my step 4 and conduct in connection with relationships. I was horrified that she even dared mention anything of my step 4. That is sacrosanct privacy. C told me as if doing me a favour. She wanted me to know and then all hell let loose. I confronted A saying that I didn't feel I could trust her at which point she told me to leave her house. I undoubtedly have an amends to make but more for my codependent behaviour with her in the first place. And with C too now doubt. I hope I remember to bring this up in my AWOL when I start in April. 12 noon every Sunday from 12th April. Excellent. I am excited just to be getting going on this without really knowing what it's about. B suggested not putting too much expectation on it as her first AWOL didn't seem anything special at all.
I wonder if T will be on this too. It will be interesting as I can see a pattern of behaviour here for me. I get jealous and want to be number 1. I felt it with A and M too. Just letting people be and being able to be confident that I am OK too is a real blessing that I am seeing and beginning to practise once again. And trust that if its not OK for others that is their issue. I will be OK whatever happens so long as I continue to weigh and measure my foods. I do not want any repeat of animosity etc that I experienced then and still do from A and C. Which of course was further deepened because S and I had split up and they were a little cohort against me or that's how it has felt. I know C could be poisonous, I regularly heard A's venomous words and S's too. Wow they were all very similar in that way. Gosh and they also didn't follow the suggestions entirely either. Hmmm that's interesting. T is but also I have a fear that she won't, that her feelings will push her away and I wonder if that's me projecting that past situation onto her or if I am sensing something. M too has pulled away and is very driven by the crazy thinking not getting the balance from the distortion that comes with working a programme. Hmmmm very interesting.
Fear is there for certain. I don't want to be in any way involved in anything similar and so please God help me to remove my part in this - jealousy, manipulation, neediness and anything else I am as yet unaware of. Oh dishonesty will be in there. Yuch it feels ugly in me. I feel an urgency yet I know it will all be in God's time. There we go again with the caps!

Anyway - lunch was lovely, chatting, laughing, sharing. B mentioned this morning how funny and at ease she saw me and I said I am a bit of a social buffoon. I was clumsy when C joined three of us and I was chatting to J. She is an actress - in theatre and said that she doesn't do it for the money. She is classically beautiful. Like something out of a painting. I wonder if she has ancestry in blue bloods. Australian she went to Paris to study. She met her husband, Portuguese and now they live in Portugal together in their own theatre. It's so romantic in my mid. Showboat comes to mind, love, fun, poverty but not caring about that as they are following their passion and in love. I found it strange seeing her stop C's hand tapping. I am sure it was as a reminder to calm but it seemed to me quite controlling. I am sure it was meant and received with good will. I am seeing good will and letting go. I think - please God?
As I walked T to the bus stop it felt strange - her in London and yet us parting ways. It was good for me though. Letting go. Thank you God. She is busy and wanting to do her own thing. She has said before that she goes to the galleries and does her own thing. She is whizzing around so many too. I wouldn't want to see so much in one go. I want to absorb.
I went off to meet J (old school friend). She had mentioned before that she would like some cultural experiences - theatre, gallery, etc. So we met at Tate Modern and I had planned that we would visit the 5th floor permanent exhibition State of Flux.
I feel good that I stuck with my commitment to J as I have opted out on a few arrangements before noe. I was reliable - she is too.

The central space of this wing is devoted to the early twentieth-century movements Cubism, Futurism and Vorticism. These avant-garde artists broke with traditional ideas of picture making, seeking a more dynamic and fractured visual language to represent the complex reality of modern life and the machine age. Surrounding displays show how these developments influenced experimental film, photography and design, sometimes with a more pointed political agenda. Another room shows the post-Impressionist art from which the younger generation were breaking away. Cubist innovations such as collage were central to the emergence of Pop Art which combined high and low culture, art and commerce into forceful, celebratory and sometimes critical visions of the post-war consumer era. More recently, techniques such as collage, appropriation and assemblage have been reinvented and transformed by younger artists to reflect the multi-layered texture of urban life. New digital technologies have enabled contemporary artists to adopt methods of sampling, mixing and montaging associated with alternative music and club cultures.

It was interesting, being in a period of time with new movements developing and the influences later on. Whilst the pop art of Licthenstein was amazingly powerful, I appreciated it for it's message and for the enormous amount of work and yet didn't like it for it's appearance too. That's so difficult for me to clearly put into words. It was high impact - Wham! The emotion of it when I stopped properly to consider what I was looking at, was powerful. But the stark presentation is not terribly appealing. It's comic strip which I recognise as a incredible talent but I wouldn't want it on my wall for example. I am glad to be able to see it in a gallery and appreciate it for what it is. However the sculpture was more appealing. It looked like a powerful robotic type man. Great big chunk of heavy metal, jagged edges yet smooth rounded tactile as well. Striking -

Umberto Boccioni & Roy Lichtenstein (Room 1)

© Estate of Roy Lichtenstein Two violent and emotionally charged images of technology and power open the States of Flux wing. The central space of this wing is devoted to the early twentieth-century movements Cubism, Futurism and Vorticism. These avant-garde artists broke with traditional ideas of picture making, seeking a more dynamic and fractured visual language to represent the complex reality of modern life and the machine age. Surrounding displays show how these developments influenced experimental film, photography and design, sometimes with a more pointed political agenda. Another room shows the post-Impressionist art from which the younger generation were breaking away. Cubist innovations such as collage were central to the emergence of Pop Art which combined high and low culture, art and commerce into forceful, celebratory and sometimes critical visions of the post-war consumer era. Contemporary artists continue to develop new visual languages and engage with urban life. Umberto Boccioni was one of the leading artists of the Futurist movement. His striding sculpture Unique Forms of Continuity in Space (1913) is a celebration of speed, dynamism and forward momentum that suggests the bold idealism of the early twentieth-century avant-garde. Roy Lichtenstein's Whaam! (1963), made fifty years later, offers a more dispassionate and ironic response to the dramas of war. Like other artists associated with Pop, he uses a deliberately cool and impersonal style for this emotive subject matter. Both works can be seen as powerful statements addressing the chaos and violence of their respective eras, forging compelling connections between art and life. Umberto Boccioni (1882-1916) was born in Reggio Calabria in southern Italy. He lived and worked in Rome and Milan. Roy Lichtenstein (1923-1997) was born in New York, where he lived and worked.

Actually I cannot be bothered to write about the whole experience and instead enjoy as one had with memories now. I loved the Bauhaus photography. I truly did love that and would want to own some of those photos. I was fun too spending time with J and hearing her impression of what she saw. I passed onto her what A passed onto me - look at the works and see what you like and what you don't. Gradually I have developed more and more with a sense of yep being OK with liking what I like yet open minded to the things I don't like. A has been an education for me and I truly appreciate that. Amongst a few others too. 

Bliss
xx

Peace, bliss and abundance in 2012 - shifting sands

It's 2012. I had a sense of change as I walked around the village early this morning.
You see I have a sense of not being in the right place but I don;t actually know where is the right place or if there even is one. It just seems that something will change in 2012. Perhaps it will simply be me. After all I am practicing changes within me and pursuing a more spiritual centred practice. I will simplify life and need for less therefore be more content with what is. Acceptance. That's the hope anyway.
Yesterday turned out so very different from my agonising the day before and my decision as a result of that. I did nothing of my decisions. I do not feel bad about that as I can easily do by not sticking with plans. None of them were hard and fast, just ideas. Instead I spent a very relaxed evening with A. Lounging around in front of the fire, watching a DVD (The Tin Drum - a very strange story by Gunter Gras. I was somehow intrigued by it, perturbed too. The story of a little boy, the narrator, telling his story from birth and deciding at 3 he would not grow anymore. He observed the adults and with all the complexities, he realised he did not want to become one of them. It was based in Danzig, Poland. Some of the time is during the Second World War. It is an odd story of a baby born with wisdom, without the need to experience life as an adult to develop. Apparently it is written in hindsight as the protagonist sits in a mental hospital. However the film ends when Oskar decides to grow. At the time of his birth Oskar is told he will get a tin drum when he is 3 years old. The tin drum is central to the story, throughout his discovery of his mothers relationship with Uncle Jan, his fathers Nazi party rantings, his schooling, the persecution of Jews as the Nazi's take over the town and so on. He also discovers that he can scream which acts as a defence for his drum or against anything that he dislikes. All a very odd little story really).
I was able to drive G to her New Years Eve party and collect her. Her back is hurting but she felt obliged to go so as not to disrupt the bridge. When I collected her, A and I went into the house. I was a social buffoon. Ha ha ha. I tried to shake hands with the host before he had closed the door. He was a real gentlemanly type man and I saw his consternation at my lack of social grace. When I was introduced to one of the ladies I said laughingly that I was A's consort and companion. A was very embarrassed. I have recurring judders at the memory - and bless me :) - I will learn to be less brash and more gentile. I become boisterous with my own insecurity. It was interesting how very quickly A and I had picked up on the prickly lay and I believed that she seemed very insecure and her husband who was clearly a very good looking man when he was younger, and I recognised the "twinkle" in his eye. A did too. All this was confirmed by G. Of course who knows what the insecurity is all about but I felt for her, that is hellish living. I want no more of it for myself and would not want it for anyone else.
Home late and up early. I will have an early night tonight. I am considering driving over to see Sister N and then on to C&S. It also seems a lot of energy when I am feeling so tired and need to conserve energy for work tomorrow. I have decided I will continue with my case study when at work. There are no clients so there will surely be time. Perhaps I could even take my laptop in so that I am not sat at that horrid desk.
Yes even the thought of work is full of change. A new boss coming in. Unsettling the sand. I am anxious about the change at times and then also have adopted this thought that perhaps there is a lot to learn from the entire experience of someone new. P protects us very well. When I think of losing that I get scared. I just do trust more and more.
I was asking HP to show me what I need to do. I guess I can do nothing and become acceptant with this life I have. It feels a plod and in need of a shake up though. What I am asking for really is to be shown. And when I think of that change of location and work come to mind. I am willing for anything to open up. Even if it means a change of job all together. I am not open to eating meat though. That may seem a random comment but my sponsor asked me if I might be open to that idea. It makes me gag at the thought. So right now the answer is no. However! Yup there is an openness - there have been some meats I've enjoyed but thinking about that there were meats prepared in sauces - from Singapore. My mum used to bring it home for me. I think it was very dried pork in square sheets. About 7 x 7 inches square. Each slice was very very thin, almost see through and coated in a sticky, sweet and sour sauce.
So would I open my mind to this? Well I can keep the mind open yes. Nothing need be closed off. The future is not that certain. What I do now is that for today I am committed to weighing and measuring the food that I have planned and shared with my sponsor already this morning.

An A-Z gratitude list.
A (my friend) and art
Boots - my dad paid for them
Consideration for others
Downpours as I love the sounds and decisions
Energy and E (my friend) and enough money
Freedom from food and friendship
Grace and gratitude and galleries
Hope
Inspiration
Jokes
Kisses
Love and LouLou
M (my friend) and museums and music
Nourishment
Opportunity
People
Quiet time
Restoration to sanity
Steps and seasons
Time with friends and LouLou
Universal energy
Velvet
Wisdom
X mmmm difficult one - xylophone music by Orff
Yin and yang
Zest for life

Happy New Year - wishing for an abundance of everything wanted in 2012. Being careful of wants as they can come in strange bundles.

Bliss
XX

stumbling across the humbles

Where are the humbles you ask? Within me. Deeply buried sometimes but making more appearances as  become more aware. One of the greatest tools to life I have been told, the knowledge of self. In which case I am ever prepared to learn more.
So with humility, I become more honest. It is necessary for me to be precisely honest about my food. I hadn't written my fod plan last night and read it out this morning as if I had. Hence when I was questioned on something I wondered if I was being tested. Anyway I wrote down the food as I had said but it's not the point. What stopped me from being entirely honest? Fear? Fear of what? Fear of being told off and put back to day 1. I will tell my sponsor tomorrow this process. However, I realised that one food I had read out wasn't going to be possible and so I called back to change it. I could have told her then but I hadn't processed enough beneath the surface. It is imperative that I am absolutely precise about my food plan and do not alter it. I have switched things around a couple of times in the past without telling my sponsor. She mentioned this mrning if thigns change about and I can't get hold of her then I can call someone else with long-term abstinence and tell them. It's precises weight and measurements. For example if I am not sure about the size of a piece of fruit, I can weigh it and make sure it's not more that 6oz. If it's small plums or kiwis, then I can have two to get closer to 6 oz.
Anyway I knew I needed to speak to someone and so was going to speak to L but she is frantic. And then T appeared online on Skype so I said a hi. I was trying once again to find the Australian lady H on Skype. I am rarely on Skype so it was nice to send her a message online. Then she phoned. So we had a nice chat during which I told her how "nuts" I am and thank God for Step 2.
This lead me onto to sepak about how crucial it is to me not to be associated with religion and so I do have trouble using the word God publicly. When I read the word or my sponsor says turn to God, I cringe slightly. There is this strong need for me to known as being independenat of the God religious folk seem to depend on. I really don't like feeling dependant and think this is linked with the side of me that's so so needy. I find it unattractive in me. And so to depend on God - grrrr. Yup there is definitaly something strong in me about that. In a similar way I hate the fact that others see that dependance in me. When M talks about always being at the B's or mentions something about me and meetings but in contrast how she is isolated and choosing not to engage - well that highlights my dependance. Crazy thinking. I do not want to belong in case people associate me with a gang. I want to be free and wild. And that's how I want people to preceive me.
I have to smile at myself. Listening to my potty thinking. Don't you just love that word potty?
Mind you my crazy thinking this year is a whole heap better than this time last year. I was off the wall. So progress is being made.
Then again I think anyone reading this will box me - how I hate to be boxed. Labelled and boxed and so people make judgements on that. Oh she's crazy so avoid her. Feels me with something I can't even give a name to.
I love love love Dr G's remarks about any lable being a hypothesis that is ever changing. Nothing stays the same, so when someone is labelled crazy, then yes there is surely some substance in that but crazy shifts and alters. Everyone is a little of everything I am sure, we all just hit different stages along the continuum.
I write this for the judgemental amongst you - be careful of boxing people - look at why you need to. I think underneath is fear. Fear of the unknown because you yourself wouldn't know how to be or what will happen.
So here I am having made some decisions about today and this evening that really sit well. And I feel good because I don;t need anyone else to accomplish these things.
I will do some of my case study for about 45 mins. Then I will get ready for lunch and going out this afternoon. I will stop by the shops to stock up with my foods for the week ahead and then go on to see if Sister N is available for a short visit. Then I will drive onto to see if C&S are in and hopefully J is there too. Then I will come home for my supper before I go to the local AA meeting. Finally I will return home to watch a film and bed early.
Happy New Year!

It feels great to be so free from neediness.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding.

Yes indeed thank goodness that I can turn to my HP to help restore the sanity. My mum always used to say I was such an optimistic. I have no idea when that changed. But when I stop to listen to the chattering in my head and arguing I realise I am quite potty. And realising it (i.e. admitting and accepting it and looking at the chaos that my thinking can create), I can turn to my HP and ask for help. I did that this morning. I spoke with T and got identification, I talked about the insanity with my sponsor and was reminded of Step 2. None of it is mind blowing epiphany. Instead is simple awareness. And the decision making was as a result of talking and thinking differently. There was no divide beetween 2 and 3 working there nor 1 actually. They all combined and worked powerfully together.
God bless the steps and God thank you for leading me to them.
Not a religious God you understand

Oh and Happy New Year to you too
Bliss
XX

FA

I bet you're wondering - FA?????? OK well maybe you're not. Sweet FA, Fanny Adams? What is FA.
It's been a wonderful experience for me.
It started when my friend T got involved. She started the programme and lost so much weight. But more than that she was glowing from the inside and her life started changing beautifully. I begged her to help me as I was feeling gloomy about being me. She told me more about FA and as I was going to stay with her soon suggested I could see what her daily routine is and follow along if I wished. Before I went to visit, I emailed FA in the USA and was given a UK number. I promptly archived their reply. Tch! Typical me. But after my visit with T I was truly enthused. I called B, the number on the email from the USA. There were several attempts at contact but messages left by both of us. Eventually we spoke. She said she would be delighted to sponsor me and asked if I would go to any lengths. Desperately I said yes, nodding vigorously as if she would be able to see me. BUT ... ha ha  - any lengths except that one or that one and certainly not that one. I felt indignant when B suggested I needed to get to bed early and get up earlier. And after all my mum had tried so hard from when I was a little girl to get me to go to bed early so I was hardly going to start taking such an order from a stranger and a mere sponsor. I get up now at 5.15 am so that I have time to get ready but also enjoy my half hour of quiet time. I cherish that quiet time now and love the fact  my day is longer from the off-set not at the end of the day when I am tired and floppy.
And then for a wile I wasn't eating within the suggested time frames but didn't tell B. Eventually I told her after thinking I had about 20 odd days abstinence. But B suggested I re-start at day 1. I felt naughty and rebellious and it felt good. I even colluded with T who had also been put back as we called it. Honestly! Who were we kidding. When that idea crossed my thoughts I just smiled at myself, well guffawed. Who was I doing this for. So I came clean with my sponsor B. And started doing things properly. Meal times have become sacrosanct as well as bed times. In fact I don;t actually like being up much after 10pm now and love the early morning as I've already mentioned. I am eating cleanly. The food is simple, almost dumbing down the taste buds. When I do have something that's salty for example I can really taste the salt for a long time afterwards and it's not pleasant. Cheese for example is oh so salty. Isn;t it funny how fish isn't yet they live in salt water. I do find white fish can be very uhmmmmmm dry and boring if I have to muc of it especially. Seabass is great though and I don't tire of it as I don't with salmon either. Well so far.
So my current food plan is ...
Breakfast -  1oz oats, 8oz fat free natural yoghurt, 1 piece of fruit or 6oz berries
Lunch - 4oz protein, 6oz cooked veg (only 1 type of veg), 6oz mixed salad, 1 tbsp dressing (I use Paul Newman's balsamic as recommended by B)
Dinner - 4oz protein, 6oz cooked veg (as above), 8oz mixed salad, 2 tbsp dressing (as above)
That's it folks. The weighing and measuring is crucial and needs to be accurate. It's amazing how much freedom I've got suddenly from food as a result of weighing and measuring.
I call my sponsor every morning - 6:15 weekdays and 7:15 weekends. I cherish the 15 minutes with her every day. I talk about all and sundry. I forget sometimes to talk about the little things and of course they play on my mind. I write down my food plan and give that to her every day. Commitment to that food plan is crucial too. I have never been so committed to sticking with things precisely and if things have to alter I call and check it out and keep it clean.
For example there was a power cut in the Hindhead tunnel one evening. This brought the traffic to a complete standstill for a long time really. I was anxious about my meal time and called B. She suggested eating in the car with my fingers as I had my food with me. It never even occurred to me!!! But B was gentle and eased my panic reminding me that my motives were clean. I did not expect this incident and things happen. I have to be careful though that I don't allow things to simply slide because things happen. I need to be boundaried about my eating times. Similarly on Christmas day I was a guest at my lovely friend's home. Dinner was served at 2pm. It was acceptable - again my motive was pure. And I did eat in the evening at my time, asking if I could eat and keeping my boundaries. In the past I would have been too shy and uncomfortable to say that I needed to eat. I ate and chatted whilst everyone got on with what they wanted to do. I ate alone and it was OK. well chatting to L's father. Very interesting conversation about his time training and working as a therapist with the police. I enjoyed his company very much. And her bro too. What a lovely Christmas day and how grateful I feel to have been invited to be a part of their family day.
Anyway, yes the tastes are simple and I am never hungry. However, the food cravings were rapacious on Tuesday. I spent Christmas day as I explained and then on Boxing Day I travelled to A's. K and M were there as well of course as G and R. We went for a walk with the dogs. Actually G and R rested as they weren't feeling so well. G cooked a lovely salmon and they also kindly accommodated my food requirements. L's mum was great. Out came the scales at both homes and allowed me to precisely weight and measure. Now on Christmas night, L had a very distrubed sleep. I was sharing her bed with her. So my sleep was also disturbed. That in itself wasn't a problem. I was aware of the disturbance but actually am very tolerant of such situations. But man was I tired on Boxing Day. Also there was a lot of traffic and so the journey was troublesome. I cut across country and arrived an hour late. Hence my lunch was late due to the circumstances. A few days on missed timings. Anyway I was feeling very bland all day and so was my food. There were of coruse chocolates, mince pies, ice cream etc. Even writing these things down is troubling. We played games into the evening. m was very funny and felt very bland, even more so. I was wondering if I was going to become as bland as some of the people I've met. Forgetting actually about those that are full of character and fun. B is one of them. She is very gentle but I underestimated the depth to her.
Eventually I got home late on Boxing Day. It was good to be home. I slept well, up early for my morning to call to my temporary food plan sponsor as B was away. And then that day was an endless battle with cravings. I wanted something. Anything! I wanted more than I had. But I think this was a soul yearning. Nothing was or would have been enough. I was tired and this was a big part of it all I think. But also having had two lovely days after worrying about loneliness and intrusion and social phobias. It had been lovely and easy. What I hadn't prepared for was the after shock. I was worried that actually I am just becoming boring with simple foods and so measured. There is no spice and variety - I keep remembering though on one phone call I made to S when I was complaining that I wanted a nice homemade veggie soup and mourning that I cannot have this again. She asked what I thought I would get from this soup. I said I was longing for the cosy, warm feeling. I added that of course there would be lovely warm bread too. There is no flour or sugar for me you see. I am abstinent actually since 24 October (my mums birthday). Oh my gosh these cravings were powerful. I made a couple of calls. I could have made more. In the end it was all I could do to get my head on the pillow and be grateful that I ended the day without having picked up anything. Alcohol had been shouting loudly too. A very convincing argument that it wasn't really my problem and now I'd scuppered myself as it has sugar in it's contents so because of FA I couldn't drink. Gosh! I wanted something to take me away from this feeling of wanting.
So I applied the same though process as S had asked me. What did I want from the food. I wanted something and at times I didn't even know what it was. I thought about wanting excitement and variety and wondered why I couldn't get that in some other way, a healthier way? I tried doing different things - such as listening to a talking book, watching a couple of movies. I texted all day to M. That got me through I think but wasn't necessarily the healthiest choice. I don't want to get re-addicted to using technology. If I pick up my phone I need to call and speak to someone. It's less likely that that will go on all day. I did speak with T later and she was having a similar day. She had also put something in her mouth from the table and was feeling so angry about this. I was grateful I hadn't as it had crossed my mind. She assured me that I wouldn't become bland. I am not convinced. But I remember thinking tis about recovery before - that "they" will turn me into the bland robots that they all are. All serene and boring!! Ha ha ha. How I fight against balance. It seems boring. It's not enough for me. But I am thankful to my HP that all that food is not my food for today. I am grateful for more learning. And that all that craving passed. the past two days have been calmer and easier by far. I loved yesterday, visiting Tate Modern with A to see the Gerhard Richter exhibition.
I am learning through talking with otehrs to deal with little things that trouble me. Mainly I feel so grateful that I can talk to my sponsor about my fripes with others and then not feel as bad because I've been talking to someone else about someone else.
Things crop up wihtin relationsips that I find difficult to manage. I always feel wronga dn bad - well after initially blaming others I turn it inwards. I hate that I blame others so automatically. But I can also be gentle and bless me that it's the only way I know how to defend my little self. I am scared so much of the time. But I am learning to trust that everything is OK. Faith is action and I loved it when B reminded me to actually believe rather than pay lip service. I do actually believe I will be OK. Despite my difficulties.
My difficulties are financial. I am cncerned about being able to afford things. Bills and food are about all I can really afford. Right now I dont need for extras but for example to get the train up to London and visit an exhibition is a real treat. It's inspiring and fills me with energy. But truthfully I cannot afford it. I am tired too and want to live closer to work or wor closer to home. I am afraid to leave my flat as it offers security and it's cheap to run really. Even with the petrol expense. However, it is also a prison. By that I mean I am pinned to it because it's security. I have always hated that feeling of being pinned down. However, my mum was always there as security. So long as she was alive I always had somewhere and someone. That's such a powerful statement. My lack of wanting responsibility for one thing screams from it. I want to be a free aganet, able to do as I please yet feel there is solid ground somewhere. I want everything. Yet Ihave frittered away fortunes over the years. I could have developed that security if I had kept one of the many homes I bought and ran from. Or if I had saved rather than spend everything I ever had. However, I have a heap of adventures called my life which provide experience and a certain knowledge that if I apply could be called wisdom.
I have day to day interactions with people and me with them can cause me trouble. Everyone is different and so variations of self manifest. Not always comfortably. With M I often feel I am not good enough and do things wrong. I often feel she is angry with me. When I asked yesterday (all in text) she said no but had been disappointed that on two occasions something had been cancelled. The thing is I then get a sense that I am punished when she is disappointed. Yes I get disappointed when people cancel but I hope that I do not punish them. People are entitled to change their mind. However I am aware that I get frustrated with M's lack of commitment and indecision. I rarely if ever say anything, in fact say nothing and try to be free and easy about it. I am generally until I feel accused of being soething less than perfect. It's an odd dynamic at times between us. It can be so easy and comfortable most of the time and then every so often there is friction. I wonder if I expect too much or if too much is expected of me. I'm not sure. Iw nder if we can ever have this conversation openly without it becoming offensive. I know that there are times when I think I will leave the friendship before I am abandoned. However, I really value M and her friendship and am prepared therefore to go through my feelings. It's just great that I can talk rationally and looking at myself with athrid party who is not involved at all. I mentioned to M that B is a great sponsor and wished I hadn't. I would like there to be a distance and someone separate from my personal life. It's odd really that she knows T. I enjoy keeping FA contacts as support and not friends. I like my friends being friends and not support alotough of course they are support. But I can talk to FA people about issues and then just practice being with my friends.
So yes a daily quiet time and a reflection on a reading, weighing and measuring, daily calls to my sponsor and daily calls to others in FA. What else hmmmmmm - inviting HP into everything I do. I am practicing this more and more. I can even question this wondering if there really is such a thing as an HP. I do not buy into religious God values at all. I do see universal energy powering through every existence. But there is a way that things are said that sounds very religious. I know it's not meant as my sponsor regularly states that she is not religious. Probably as she is picking up my resitance and reaction. Sometimes the Twenty Four Hours book really annoys me as it seems to impose an idea of what my HP is upon me. I will not have that! I am so resitant you see. I blak at some of the things suggested as if I know best. Where is my humility??

What else is there to say? I met with my dad. He called several times prior to Christmas and although I have no idea really, I felt that there was a manipulation in that. B reminded me tat for him to be in contact shows that he loves me. I have to concur but with reservation as I think partly his calls were to avoid me calling on Chritmas day and discover background noise suggeeting they had guests, but as usual hadn't invited me. I became suspicious with phone call number 2 when he said they were turnign the phone off on Christmas day to get a restful ay. Hmmm - really? And then again even more suspicious when he called Christmas morning. He was ancey with me too - he made a comment about me being made of money if I can afford to drive to kent. I responded aying that it was better than sitting at home alone. He said "I suppose so". I wouldn't want to be invited to be with them yet I wanted him to feel guilty. Of course I don't know what was going on, and it could have been true that they stayed in be as he described t me when I emt him on Wednesday. But I also know my dad and am used to his manipulative lies. I hate to ay it but I have been a manipulating liar too. I really dislike this about me. I think I am saving someone pain but they will know as I know that something doesn't add up. So I pray to my HP not only to be in this relationship with my dad and I. I need my HP's help with it. But also to help me to be open and honest. I need discernment and dignity but to be able to maintain integrity. Which to me means I will be wholsesome and more at ease with myself.
I spend the whole time stating and re-stating my financila difficulties. This is manipulation. I actually want him to volunteer to give me money. HP please can you help me to stop this. I will be self sufficient and feel better about myself rather than asking for or taking money from him, only to be disparaged by him and feeing guilty. For example he gave me a cheque for £70 which I spent, and told him so, on a lovely pair of boots. They were reduced in ths ale. He criticised me for buying boots. I then went into explanations about not affording boots or anythingfor so long and I bought them as I needed them, blah blah blah. I cold have simply said I was grateful for the opportunity to buy something I liked and wanted. Gracious. He has also given me the M&S vouchers from HR that are sent every Christmas. This year he has iven me £35 so I guess he has either spent of given away the other £15. Who knows? It's none of my business actually and I am very grateful for this money. I will buy myself something when I get to M&S soon.
Today it's easier to write. I feel a degree of anger. I do not feel so hurt and let down. I have been able to regain my dignity actually, knowing that I did my best and every meeting is an opportunity to practice being me, mistakes and all, and accept me. Of course my expectations had been increasing as there had been contact more recently that was much easier because I was more acceptant. My dad is always going to be the same. He talks about the military stuff, some of it I believe, lots of it I don't. I feel sad then that he has to cover up the real him. He wants to be a someone. I want him to be a hero too as that reflects on me. I have invested in his lies and bravado, especially when it's suited me to bolster who I am. Ha! I do what he does. I guess I learnt well from him that I am not enough because he feels not enough. His parents never gave him that security and he as a kid in war torn London. Evacuated, he says he had a hell of a time. It must have been so traumatic for children and parents. He says he was so badly treated. I don't know if it's true or not, although there are many stories of what would now be called abuse. Whatever happened it was I think a difficult time for him. Mayb he has to exxagerate as minor inciddents in war time would be considered trivial and not worthy of addicitonal support. I see an OCD addict in my dad, so he would surely be sensitive to any particle in life being shifted. As I say that I have a "Matrix"-like image of lots of particles slowed right down, barely moving. Yes I can feel real empathy and can get a lot of forgiveness when I do. But I also feel sadness. Sadness for the awkwardness between us and for all the mess ups I've made contributing towards the difficulties between us. I feel sad that I feel so damaged when I am with him and defensive. I would wish for a close and friendsly relationship. A relationship in which we can share tears about mum and laughs about incidents that have truly been funny and amazing too. We have my lifetime of history to share and cannot connect at all with ease. I am sure in is way he loves me. He doesn't show it in a way that I understand at all. I try to be more open to this. I am very sensitive. I am sensitive to M's remarks in a similar way to the way I receive my dad's comments. Thsi i find interesting.
I was also intersted recently when speakin with A at the realisation that any boyfriend is never able to take care of me the way I want to. And I am lookin at my mum in this somehow. She did take care of me in many ways but she did not defend me against my dad. She did her best. As my dad did his best in many ways. However, when I was little she didn't stop my dad. She was a part in keeping everything OK on his terms. She ran away once leaving me behind. That was not OK. You see I want a man to take care of me. And none of them have ever got to udnerstand me or been able to truly relate to me. I was sitting realising this last night. I always think I am the problem and that I being issues to every relationship. It used to be unconscious but I have been more aware of my pasrt in things. I have met men who do not "get" me. I have tried to make it work in one way or another and thought I had failed but actually they have failed me. They want me to be one thing and actually fail to be able to "manage" me being me. Bloody hell it was a liberating thought. Suddenly it makes more sense that I am beetter off single until I meet someone who can embrace me entirely. Me as m e. My need for passion and energy. S couldn't let me get it eslewhere when my passion and energy rose. He wanted to be the sole provider but didn't have it in him. He was in many ways able to be the one, but not the only one. I don't mean other men. I am very much a one woman man when in a committed relationship. But I do o get everything I need from one person. Not even from one interest. I don't think this is wrong anymore. I am lapping it up. I thrive on many different stimulations from all different sources. I have a thirst for knowledge and broad horizons. Is there no man that can be a part of this? It would be so nice to meet wither someon than isn't the same but can embrace it and be there - the rock and centre of things whilst I flit about the world discovering. Or meet a similar discoverer. I think the first would be more likely to have stability thrugh assets. Maybe I am wrong about the person if there is one. I am often wrong about men and partnerships. Actually always! Right now it is of little consequence as I have committed to no relationships for the next 12 months an yway. Relief - and when I start fantasising or flirting I can remind myself of this commitment. It feels safe.
The great thing is realising that actually it is not that I cannot be right for the man, they cannot embrace me. I am repeating msyelf which suggests I haven;t quite got the wording acurately describing the liberation i feel in this moment. Long may it last.

What else has cropped up?
Uhmmmmm - I did a lot of writing for SLAA 30 questions but as A didn;t continue I didn't feel it apporpriate to be sharing with her. I was diappointed but also understand. So there is no grievance whatsoever. And I will be hopefully starting AWOL (A way of life) within FA. This apparently is the way in which the stesp are worked. I am intrigued and hopeful. B is running and AWOL starting in March and I feel it would be an honour to do this my sponsor. She assures me that everything is covered. I am more than slightly concerned about sahring my sexual conduct. It seems much easier talking about it with a load of SLAA'ers. Anyway, I am willing to go to any lengths. Sometimes I forget - as with absolute honesty and openness.

Since my last weigh-in I have lost another 9.2 pounds. I told B I was disappointed, rather wanting to lose stones. Anyhow she reminded me to be thankful and it's in HP's time not my time. So long as I am following the food plan, weighing and measuring, I will lose what I am meant to lose. I noticed yesterday what an ugly shape I am. Again I am reminded to be thankful to my HP for legs that carry me around London, and hips that hold me up whether I'm fat or thin, and so on. It really is so important to appreciate the good thigns rather than dwell on and feel sory for myself about the things that are not as I'd like them to be.
I feel jealous I realise that T is so so thin now. She was surely losing a stone a month at least. And I am not!!! Maybe I have made that up in my own thoughts although I'm sure she said she lost 4 stone in 4 months. There I go - comparing. I am grateful to have changed shape and lost weight. It's simple and enjoy the simplicity.

There we are - that's all I can think of for the time being. I feel very tired actually. I watched 2 of a series of 3 last night - Black Mirror. Clever concepts both of them. I went to bed later than I needed to and still up at 5:45 this morning to have time sitting and then make my call. I was out walking before dawn and loved it. I stood and watched the dawn one morning. Wow! What an inspiring time. Glorious and amzing colours. Out of this world yet in this world. It was wonderful to stand and observe out planet rolling over and traveling around the sun. Its a spectacular light show that has sounds so beautiful in my head. I can almost hear the sounds that are heavenly, nothing earthly is as beautiful.

I was thinking of going over to visit S and C today. I think I will still try and do that. Perhaps I will go after lunch. Maybe J is available this morning. I have my meeting this evening. Oh yes I've been a regular attendee on Fridays and Wednesdays and often Saturday too when I don't get to an FA instead. I even have a commitment showing my commitment and also being of service. I am working a programme quite vigilently again and feeling the benefits I do believe. I am grateful for this and very grateful for T for being the intial inspiration.
I will see if A is available to speak with tomorrow as I will run out of time. I will call a couple of FA folk along the way.
LouLou wants to go out I think. I will oblige her as she is very important!!

Bliss
XX

Gerhard Richter

Wow! What an exhibition. I loved it.
Since last writing I have been to see Degas ad Grayson Perry. Both wonderful experiences and very very different. But today I absolutely felt energised. Looing at the Degas I was bemused y the delicacy of his pastels but mainly felt a glow within from the later works. Although I loved the little ballerina sculpture. And I laughed out loud at the Grayson perry's - so entertaining and light yet precise and thoughtful. The Tomb of the Unamed Artist. He developed his ideas from artefacts he chose from around the British Musuem - artefacts of course with no known creators.
I laughed at his lightness and sense of fun. I adored his pots. A usual these days I wanted to take one.
I so wanted to take several of Richter's paintings.  I would so love to own peoples art work. The brush strokes just thrill me, or the trials and experiments. The live energy that has gone into them. I get so energised. And I did today. I felt the excitement enter me. I become all inspired myself. I want to do and try and play. Then I remind myself that I'm not good enough to.
I am ever so grateful that I can visit the galleries from time to time and learn and experience. I know little but nonetheless I am enthusiastic. I would so love to be able to get to see the Leonardo da Vinci exhibition - no tickets. Poop.







It's been an odd few months since I last poured my heart into writing. So much has happened I won't get it all written today. Perhaps I will write some of my experiences as I can recall them over the next couple of days. There has been death, passion, disappointment, changes, fear, interest and growth.
If only I could express that visually.

Oh heard a song this evening I liked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY5rB067518

I heard it on Black Mirror 2 15 million credits. The screenplay reminded me of SL - bu this was a living entrapment of it. Plauible future! Terrifying.

Well I'm off to beddie byes.

Bliss
xx

It's been a while ....

Morning
I've been busy but busy really doing other things than computer stuff.
Oh I went to Norway to stay with my Friend T and M came along with me too. It was lovely. Interesting too. There's so much to catch up on I don;t where to begin without taking up the entire morning. I guess this avoidance of starting my accreditation document.
Today I am going for a walk with LouLou and then meeting up with S this afternoon. Let's work backwards then.
Meeting up with S is interesting for me. When in regular contact with S I was finding the interaction increasingly difficult. I found her quite nasty about people actually. I have a personal discomfort though as at times I can be nasty about my friends and need to speak to someone else sometimes to see my part. But actually what I heard often was blame and then retribution, cutting contact often the solution but with a venom. I understand that S is very hurt by her past and is working continuously on that. The difficulty escalated for me when I felt at times at the end of a sharp tongue directed at me all said in jest supposedly but  it felt mean. And so gradually I just didn't make contact. Oh and S would only want compliments unless asked for. I understand the prerogative to ask for feedback but the way in which it was said I didn't know how to communicate my feelings about things. I have not "broken" friends simply withdrawn further back. I do not dislike S at all, quite the opposite. It's just that somehow there is something that tells me to be cautious for myself. So I will go along this afternoon with interest. I also am aware that I get concerned that I am being nasty and judgemental as I know for example that M is still in contact. Some of me doesn't want to the thought of as withdrawn and unfriendly. I am therefore not sure my motives for staying in contact are pure. Therefore this afternoon is really an exploration of me with her. I am wary indeed.

Oh yes and my dad has invited me to visit his home for coffee. He actually invited me for Saturday 29th October but I had already arranged to meet Annie for a walk and lunch. She and I had a lovely picnic lunch at Frensham Little Ponds and sat opposite the construction site for the film Snow White and the huntsman. Apparently Ray Liotta is in it and Bob Hoskins. Julia Roberts is the Evil Queen. Reading about it, it sounds loosely based on the concept of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves as I know it but this version involves Russia and war etc. Wow! How creatives extend beyond original ideas. I will go to see it simply because I saw the set being built.
This is way of the subject. I was very pleased with myself for telling my dad that I had arrangements as in the past I would have said yes to him and then have to let down my friends by cancelling and not showing them any commitment or sense of importance. So my dad and I rearranged only to discover that I needed to work this Saturday just gone 5th November. I did enquire if we could move it to the afternoon to which he said no. I felt very angry and jealous about this. I wondered what alternative arrangements he has with Theresa and how much I hate that she is a priority. I was hurting when I heard during a previous phone call how upset he sounded when he thought she had nearly died. I did not see or hear that when my mum was dying. He didn't even turn up when we called to say she was dying. I HATE that he would be able to be there for Theresa but not for my mum. I feel sad for my mum and that reminds me how I always tried to protect her from his nasty words at and around her.  She was my lovely mum. I didn't expect to have a real gut wrenching cry as I wrote that. So many little pockets to heal. And they only become apparent as I explore them usually when writing or talking. Phew blimey! What is pleasing about that is that I truly feel that the big knot of pain and rage has been released and there are just these little blobs of emotionally connected memories of incidents and situations. Anyhow I called my dad in good time. Again in the past I would keep leaving it and putting it off in fear thereby making it worse and my dad would of course then be angry. With advance notice and facing my fear it was easier. Maybe my dad is more forgiving and understanding too. Who knows? So we have re booked for Saturday 12th November. A momentous occasion. I have been only once to his house. I went a few times to the first house he and T had but eventually I was completely disliked by T following just the weirdest sequence of events when my dad was preparing for and after having the operation on his heart. She and I were talking each day in the build up and then one day she said to me that my dad did not want me to visit. I said that he was my dad and of course I was going to visit. She then went off at me down the phone accusing me of this and that and me not knowing how much I upset my dad. I said that she had no knowledge of all the things between us. I was so tempted to say something to her. I had a sense anyway that she had issues with me. Perhaps jealousy, something anyway. She seems very insecure and walked out angrily on another occasion when a friend of my mum and dads and I were laughing about my very funny mum. It was clear that I am not allowed to talk about my mum in her presence. This is problematic I suppose in similar situations. I would find it difficult with my own insecurity I know. Yet I am furious with her. I feel like my dad was distant and now he is even more distant because of her. She jumped in might quick after my mums death. That makes me so fucking angry!! And yet I am also glad that they are happy together. It is the grief I am sure around my mum and the years of shit my dad gave my mum! T knows nothing. Sometimes I hope she is miserable because she is finding out what he is like and I so dislike myself for that. It is unfortunate that she is between all the years of anger.
I wonder if she will be there on Saturday. Somehow I doubt it. And my dad is unable to be honest about it.
I anticipate more to be written about this. How strange that I decided to go and see S (therapist) on Monday. I just had a sense I needed a session with him and it is booked for Monday. I didn't know why but I think with my food being clean and also Sex and Love/ Codependency being clean I have feelings, feelings, feelings - very present. I hope to just go without and agenda and talk about things and see what comes up. I would like his help to re-frame things.

So my food. I am back in recovery with my food after many years of trying different things. Off and on these have been OK. But always returning to being out of control from having utter control. The control though was increasingly difficult to get and sustain. Before T left for Norway she told me she had been referred by her therapist to attend FA. She did it for a month and I saw her just before she was completing the final stages of her deaprture for "home". Unfortunately at that time she slipped out of FA but when she arrived back in Norway she was once again back in full swing knowing that it had worked so well for her. I don;t know what happened but during a bout of flu (poop, that was horrible) I got desparate too and asked her to help me. As I was visiting soon she suggested I watch her and how she eats. In the meantime I found the FA website http://www.foodaddicts.org/
Knowing there weren't many UK meetings and also being aware that there was a set up for telephone sponsoring, I got the list of UK sponsors. What did I do with it? I archived the email. But whilst with T, I did eat as she ate and immediately felt that enthusiasm and encouragement from taking action. And so I continued when I returned. As soon as I had the private time I contact B. After several missed calls and not faltering in my determination, we spoke and she agreed to sponsor me. I laughed at myself as she asked me if I was willing to go to any lengths to which I said yes in my desire to get thinner. Ha ha. But when she started telling me the things I would need to do, I was immediately thinking well I won't do that or that and felt quite indignant rather than humble enough to realise that actually I am in early days of recovery. What about my 10 years in recovery!! But although I think CoDA stuff is actually my core which also manifests in sex and love addiction, food is also a primary addiction. So a newcomer I am. The things that I balked at were going to 3 meetings per week - AA. B said that SLA was no longer necessary and this I do disagree with. My sexual acting out and the addiction to love nearly killed me yet again last year. So anyway I continue to attend the meeting but also 2 other AA's and this is not quite as B has suggested so there is a a strong self will in me!!!! I want to be honest with her but think she will be too strict about this. Oh and I laughed as I ate too late one evening told her and she put me back to day 1 of my frist 90 days. During this 90 days I am not to share at any meeting. I am to sit and listen. She said newcomers need to listen and at this stage have little to contribute. I am doing this but I also disagree as I got so so much from the newcomer in the room sharing on Friday. That was so interesting for me though - I sat there everyone else other than myself and the newcomer having shared. I felt a real pressure to share and was debating "I musn't but I feel the silence and must". Then suddenly the newcomer obviously felt the gap enough for her to be able to share. She had so identified with the previous sharer and it had helped her. And last night the same thing. She nearly missed the meeting, not finding the door, but I saw her and went to bring her in. She found the gap to sahre again. I admire her determination and self awareness. Her little daughter had cut up her scrapbook into lots of squares and written on them all please mummy go to AA. She had put them in bundles in cupboards, the fridge and her car. So every time the newcomer opened the door these pieces of paper fell on her. Gosh what a powerful message. She has since found out her two older daughters have been wanting her to do something and even though she hadn't spoken to her mum about issues, her mum has now told her she is so proud of her. This is a wonerful time. I hope she can stick with it. She was amazed at all the telephone numbers she was given and hugs. I hope hope hope for her that she gets this as it is life changing. Good and difficult too at times.
So now I know my sponsors purpose for not sharing I think I need to let some people know.

Norway - well it was lovely spending time with T. She took us to her gallery with the exhibition of Turid Schelver. T explained that her paintings are inspired by the little book that all her friends wrote in when leaving school. I understood that this is a tradition. I loved her paintings I would love to have been able to afford to buy one. I wonder if T could arrange a regular payment scheme? I will ask her.
I would love to be able to collect items of art.




She is doing so well. Selling and promoting. And already she is well known. Afterwards we went to another gallery and another and another. She was greeted and very much in demand actually.

Hanalena Heiska was in a gallery in Porsgrunn. http://www.hannaleenaheiska.com/paintings/2011/
T explained that her town of Skien and Porsgrunn are unusually close for Norway. There is so much space and towns are wide spread normally.



This is a still from a very beautiful film of this horse. Intimate. And I now believe this is her horse and understand why there was such a trust.

 Her paintings were large and imposing yet extraordinarily beautiful. Influenced by BDSM, heavy metal, quite sinister and yet exciting and in their darkness, so appealing. I was sucked in.
The gallery owner was very very dishy - so thought we all. His kids were gorgeous too. ;)

We went to a bar recommended by some other cooky artist. It's a pity I am not more confident as there was a man sitting at a table writing music. I wanted to take a snap of him over his shoulder but didn't have the courage. It felt like taking away his privacy. T asked him but he didn't want his picture taken. Instead he gave a manuscript of his homage to Grieg (Norweigian composer which I hadn't realised)
Oh and Skien is home to Henrik Insen. M was thrilled as she has been reading some of his works as a part of her degree.
The names of the other places are on hold whilst I wait for T to get back to me with them. IN the meantime here are the pics, a stroll through a fishing town right to the sea then back for a cuppa in a bar, a climb up a mountain and finding a log cabin to sit and take a cuppa oh and Odd joined us, a visit to a military town to meet some other ladies for cake and a cuppa, a walk on the glorious pebble beach deposited there through the glaciers, and T's home plus a stroll around her town and the residential area. It was interesting how everyone huddles in these wonderful wooden buildings in a little estates. It makes sense for the cold is very very cold. T can expect temperatures to drop to -37 degrees centigrade. Brrrrrrrrrrr.

Bliss

xx