Think like a Lady

Can you believe this? I have registered for Lady Magazine to look at the classified ads and see if there are any suitable positions. Looking after people or houses. What I am really hoping for is that PD's efforts will come off and we can have a lot of fun. I know he will be fair and flexible to work for. What I hope for God is that I won't take advantage of that. I want to be good fair and honest back. I know I can want too much.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on  daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX

ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.

On the scent of a track ....

A reflection of the week will only just about sum up the detail of all that I have observed and learnt about myself this week.
Monday was the day of the returning boss. It is in hindsight that I realise that actually I was full of terror. I was tense all day. And expecting a tirade. I can't remember the details of the day now, thank goodness. But what I can see is a process within me. The terror developed into a growing mania. I was on the phone to V and at the same time sketching. I was on the phone for quite some time. It was interesting listening to V speaking about himself and his situations. At that point I could sense the mania was escalating in me. The sketch was complete and it was suddenly important to scan it and download it onto all the various outlets right there and then. I think I did some other things and ended up getting to bed very late. Then at 2:20 am my mobile phone went off. I recall switching it off. About 20 minutes later my landline rang. This time I got up always worried that when the landline rings it will be my dad or about my dad. I could hear talking but not to me. Someone had dialled my number in error it would seem. I went off to sleep.
Then my alarm went off as normal and up I got. It was my turn for Aftercare so I had the entire morning, something I cherish. However, I was manic I think. And what was a revelation is that the stress and terror had been the trigger to the mania. Now there were several things that happened. I got involved texting and emailing JH which resulted in me missing my regular call to my sponsor.That has not happened before. And you know what I did as soon as I realised? Apart from dialling the number knowing she had left. I left a message saying that I had tried calling and it was engaged and then got distracted. That was a lie. So another realisation is that I pick up a lie as easily as I pick up food. I lied to avoid being disliked and a bad girl and then being rejected. More abandonment is just a horrible feeling that is so ingrained and automatic that I don't even feel it. So I learnt to lie resulting in me not getting i trouble at that moment. The problem is that something wouldn't be sitting right in me and so between me and the person I had lied to and ultimately I was untrustworthy. And it always gets found out one way or another. Thank goodness I was able to get hold of my sponsor later in the day and whilst I didn't discuss the whole lie thing I did explain the truth of what happened.
So anyway prior to eventually speaking with my sponsor I became repeatedly warned that I was being airy and not present. I burnt the saucepan twice. I'd already missed the call. There were a strong of events that showed me that I was slightly off the wall. Not completely. I have been there and this was mild. Anyway speaking to my sponsor was somewhat grounding. And then I spoke with E from FA. I had seen her website as I was sending the link for JH to take a look at. By the way he passed comment that he liked what he saw. I hope he managed to get in contact and see her work. There is one piece which she thinks is serenity that really looks exactly that serene and tactile. I want to see her work and am hoping to get to her studio or something when I go to Brighton next week.
So I called E and she suggested I stop before I go into work and listen, really listen to some classical music. Good idea. And that's just what I did. I listened to every instrument I could distinguish. And it worked. I went in to work and we had supervision. I went with the flow.
Now here was an interesting change. L kicked the meeting off talking about a client she is working with on a 1:1 basis. Of specific interest though was her lack of basic skills. As I listened and the saw the others chipping in, I carried on listening. At the right moment for me I made a suggestion but not after S had been pointing something out that L was disputing as she does. I asked her something in a different way, attempting to really hear her and this gave me the inroad as well to make a suggestion. I want to become more practiced at really hearing through my listening. I want this both in my working practise and my day to day interactions with friends and fellows. Anyway I am judgemental when I say some of the things seemed the very basics of what we do, which further confirms S's suspicions that she is a rooky. In myself I observed how immediately angry I felt that she was using our clinical supervision for her 1:1 client. A client we have never and are unlikely to meet. The others seemed to go with the flow of it so I stopped myself and went with the flow too. It was opportune in watching and participating in supporting her floundering. She was talking about how this client gushes everything out and also L displayed her resentment and judgement towards another treatment facility but also her complete grandiosity. She accused the other place of not working, in a round about way. Which she manipulated into saying that she felt an obligation to get this client well. I think she thinks she offers the best treatment. And yet I also think she is hugely out of her depth. people in glass houses ..... my training is very basic! I am glad I stopped to listen. It took a lot of our time and A pointed out the similarity between what she called it flooding and how L was flooding us with the story of this client. We did get on with some other matters but there was little time for the entire group after A had told us about family groups.
I loved Aftercare but got back very late and still had to prepare my meals. There was a message from my dad on the answer machine. He said that he was in hospital for observation. He didn't say where or for how long but said he would call me when he could. He hasn't yet. By Thursday morning my anxiety was rising and I decided to try and track him down. I found out he was on G9 ward. This made me smile in a way as that was a little family joke. There was a juke box in the hotel in Corfu King somebody hotel. My mum, dad, Karen (my friend) and I. Poor Karen was struggling with alopecia at the time. It was also her first flight ever. There was a particular song G9, a Greek song that we played over and over again. The staff in the hotel would dance with us some evenings. I don't actually recall how old we were. My ad liked it too. Anyway I was able to discover that G9 was the renal ward. I found this out mainly because the switchboard put me through to G7 who said he was on G9, yes I already knew that and before they transferred me I asked what the ward was. The renal ward which instantly worried me. My dad had a kidney transplant in 2000 or was it earlier. No I really think it was 2000. My mum died in November 2001. He married T in Sep 2002. Blimey! It all still surprises me. Anyway I was put through explained I was my dad's daughter and that he had left a message to say he was in. The nurse started saying he is comfortable but ... She hesitated and then said I can't give you any information over the phone over than to say he is comfortable and walking about and not in any pain. That sounds ominous. I am sure the stress of T being in intensive care is not assisting his own health issues. I am scared for him. I doubt he is telling me anything close to the truth. Anyway I nearly skulked off into oblivion again by saying thank you and putting the phone down. Instead I asked her if she could give my dad my mobile number. She took it and I juddered from within with fear. Thinking of the wrath of my dad when he discovered that I had tracked him down. There was a missed call from a mobile I didn't recognise. Twice. That would infuriate him even more, that having left the message to call I wasn't answering my phone. In the past there were occasions when he called at work and would bawl me out because I was busy. My goodness my dad is an angry man. Anyway I decided I could face his wrath. I was prepared to say that I had been concerned and just wanted to let him know I was anxious to know how he was doing. In my mind there was an image from Xmen2. One of the characters steps outside to take on the full brimstone and fury fire of the planet. She knew she would die but faced it anyway for the greater good, i.e. her patriots. That was what I envisioned for me. I would stand there and take it except the various ages of me are my patriots and this time it would be highly unlikely I would die. Anyway every day I wait and still no news.
Tomorrow I am going to London with GB. We'll be going to Sir John Soanes Museum and British Museum. I think I feel somewhat guilty because I ma not visiting my ad. But then I also want to respect his wishes to keep me out of things. I just would like him to know I care and am waiting with angst all of the time. What if he were to die? Would anyone call me? Is T still in intensive care? How serious is this situation for my dad? Will I get any inheritance.
What I have had is a degree of acceptance that this is how he treats me. I feel enormous sadness for the all the wrongs I brought to his door. I feel so sad that our relationships has been so troubled for so long. I feel anger towards him too. I also feel acceptance that this is just the way he is. He is not going to change for me. But as I've said I am prepared to face the wrath. It is becoming similar with L.
I no longer need to hear her nonsense. And on Wednesday evening I said that I need some allocated time in a week to do outstanding admin and also I haven't done any FFg for ages. So suddenly she said she would do the majority of the groups. Blimey! And she did. I got one discharge summary done. The rest of the time I was the photocopier copying, or on my phone or email texting and emailing. That's what I do a lot of.So this was more enormous selection for acceptances. I asked myself yesterday evening if this was false? I am truly hoping it's not but also it feels right and there's no explanation of that. What a beautiful sight, unity amongst a team of clients mainly wanting to work and bring about change. It's remarkable and peaceful.
So the biggest thing this far into recovery is the acceptance that's there. It goes when I need to rely on God and keep praying for the trust to have a belief in something other than simply me, although God is within me too. I believe God is in me and working through me.
The clairvoyant now says it's time to move on I've been there a long time now.
However I later caught him having had a biscuit. Now the same and guilt he'll be feeling could easily result in the blaming the recommendation or the room etc. Lets hope D is well enough to have boundaries in the group.
Oh then there was more contact with JH. And a little excitement was there. I have since spoken with him. As I was listening I realised nothing had changed. At first hearing his voice was enticing despite my feelings of shame from the past behaviour. But then as I listened more I realised that I was getting beyond everything now. His circumstances and my distrust was of no interest to me. It is nice to be able to be friends in some way. It is lovely that he has invited me to dinner. And I accepted. He is staying in places that I've been able to recommend. And that's all there is to it.
I met JB on Thursday and listening to his passion for his latest music project. I hope something comes of it for him. However, there is something missing for JB. It has never happened so far. Now is that a distinct lack of popularity and being an interest for a minority. Or is it just not having the breaks. Or is it his controlling of it all. I'm not sure but it would be nice if something he valued came of it such as to be able to play something of his or to get a comment from someone he respects musically,. like David Bowie he mentioned. If only he were in the rooms he could tag along an meet RS or Ec, not that he respects EC.
It was a pleasant time and I was able to share with him how I feel more acceptant of my dad. The sadness, the hurt, the anger still exists but I don't have to over dramatise it. I don;t need to share it everywhere. I don;t need to act out. So far anyway.
And then at work I have been light and breezy. She brought up the fact that we haven't sorted out our differences and said that's why she doesn't get on with me when learning that I am a Gemini. She is a Taurus. But in the main I have deferred to her everytime I have heard her resistance and a battle starting. And I have also remained me. Only this afternoon did I feel scratchy and it slipped out sideways when a client was relapsing by eating biscuits. I had seen him make a mad dash from the gathering outside. I had actually thought he as coming to get his phone so took the box outside only to discover him with his face filled with biscuit. He laughed afterwards probably nervously and I said "you've relapsed". I said no more and could have said that he needed to talk to his peer group about this. I didn't.I noticed then that I was feeling disappointed but also tired from the week and I wanted to get home. I did and then on to my meeting. What laughs we have there.

I don't recall precise details over the next few days so some of this may appear sketchy considering I am thinking this to be a week of a lot of progress in change. Just for today huh!!

I think I've probably skipped a lot of the little parts of me that have come into the consciousness. It's a real proud moment when a person grows before my eyes including myself. I feel so very fortunate. Thank you God.

Off to sleep as my eyes are drooping heavily and I have to keep reading what I've written as I'm almost asleep.

Goodnight
Bliss
XX

Boggled and befuddled. What to do? And how to do whatever it is I am to do?

God please guide me.

I have thought over my meeting with the HD (Hospital Director) F yeserday. It was good to be listened to without fighting silly corporate management event hoguh she can only advise from a silly management point of view. I knew that of her but also know that she hears an has strong boundaries that she tuns the hospital to having worked with her before.
I also know I cannot change L. It's pretty hard to pin down exact things she does as well.
For instance yesterday she was asking about a client and something I said disagreed slightly with her. Then she turned. She seemed to goad me into a discussion and it's as if she pulls the rug from under my feet suddenly and unexpectedly.
The discussion started about this clients food. He had identified a problem and asked for help rather being told. Now it seems that if anyone is making good progress with a client she wants to usurp what ever is being done I think.
Anyway so there we  were talking about his food but I said that's great however what he is not addressing is his avoidance. She asked questions about this and I was explaining his patterns and suggestions which are completely out of her own experiences of change I believe. So then she started talking about this book she read recently which is actually questioning codependency as a phenomena and that people get labelled. The problem is L thinks that if we identify something we are labelling them but I think she bases this on her own way of labelling. I constantly forget this and so when we discuss something I need to not do this. She labels people with judgements. I and a few others use labels as a moving hypothesis and not a completeness of the person.
But when I use them she seems to want to argue me as being wrong. And this is what happened yesterday. I then get argumentative in the past. But remembered yesterday to simply say that sounds interesting and would love to read the book too. I suggested a couple of books that she might find interesting to enhance what she has read and get other view points.
So you see there are all these subtleties going on that I think I would find impossible to back up in a mediated meeting. I did state yesterday that in my opinion she is uncertain and at times out of her depth and I regret saying that.
But I truly believe it. It's a little like N really. Someone way out of their depth, fighting their corner by lashing out at everyone else to cover their fear. There is no way to compete against that. So I'm now not sure if mediation is correct .
What I'd like is to find a way to manage my emotional reactions, to find a way to be me regardless and be able to face the consequences (I am doing that more and more), find a way to let this go over my head and far away, find a way to be friendly, adaptable, flexible and cooperative with a smile and with ease. LET GO!

When there are ethical things for me to question like sponsoring a client, like judgements and behaviours that seem detrimental etc I can raise these issues with N and let them decide what they want to do. If I am only raising that kind of thing rather than my personal difficulties then I leave it in their hands.
As I said yesterday it could be about simply leaving my personal things at home. Get on with the job as best I can. Stand up for myself when she starts throwing things around the office or being exceptionally loud or disagreeable.
Wow if I could do all of those things I would be much happier. That's really what I want.
I already know it's about separating personal from professional. And thankfully I've got you and FA and so on for good support with my personal feelings.
It's just now finding the ways to do what I want to achieve.

For today I have left it with F that I am thinking about the options presented to me.
I will continue seeing Occ Health. Just to keep an eye on my own health and fitness. I of course have regular supervision and now some extra supervision agreed to continue my clinical health and fitness checks.

Hmmmm - I think I can sort of see a way forward from time to time. I think my meeting yesterday with  was a tad moany but also stating my difficulties.
I mentioned some of the ethical things I question. Now that is over to them to observe if they want to or not.

In the meantime I would like to work towards being a helpful and supportive member of the team. How do I do that?
I need to just listen to her more as that is what she seems to need. She needs to be right so I can let her - drop my pride.
I can keep checking with her what she wants done, state what seems to be the days clinical agenda and ask her what she wants me to cover. She seems to want to be fully in control of everything so let her again drop my pride and my need to have any input.
I nee to say when I think something seems unethical but I need a way to say that that is surely me questioning and not sounding accusational - any ideas.
Such as a situation arising when she decides to sponsor a client. Or perhaps I should simply leave it as if I question anything at all she flips her lid and then the rest of the week it's punishing again and argumentative over every little thing.
I do need to speak up when there is so much noise in the office and when she speaks to me in nasty tones. Sometimes I don't notice until afterwards though. My fear keeps me in a sort of closed down state. It's very weird to observe in myself. I don't something is really bad until afterwards, like I go into a shock state of stillness and fear.
But I can say afterwards that I found something out of order for me. I think I will say that about the board rubber in supervision today. And the noise in the office.
Raising my head above the parapet scares the living daylights out of me because there is usually some kind of retaliation. But then I need to hear whatever comes back as useful feedback. There is bound to be degrees of truth in it. After all I am aware things that I do or say can be equally has annoying or unpleasant and it's finding a way for all of these personalities to be together in a small room for so many hours per day that's the greatest challenge in life.
I really really don't like working in an office where there is a high level of noise and I also don;t want nor need to hear loads of stories about her. I am not interested to be honest because I don't really like her but I can't say that.

Hmmm so lots of thoughts. Changing thoughts and ideas. They don't represent me as a person but are ideas that have entered my mind in the moments. Any thoughts or ideas of your own would be appreciated.
I valued your input yesterday and got me thinking about asking S what support she might be able to give me was useful. I will ask my supervisor the same question. I think they can be of valuable support whether I choose to stay and be or whether I choose to go for the mediation. I feel more inclined at the moment to go the first of those two. But it could simply be fear based. No doubt L is feeling firey knowing I had a meeting with F anyway and will be on the attack.
I need ways of speaking with her that keep the focus on me. I try that many different ways and so far haven't fund a way that is effective with L. She takes everything so personally and is utterly sensitive that it is fired back as an attack with a viciousness that catches each of us unawares. Thankfully everyone has been caught up in the same surprising line of fire. Maybe there isn't a way of saying anything to her. S gets very jokey with her and that can at times seem to work. It feels so false to me that I have refused so far to got hat route. Maybe it is the only way  be pally and jokey.
But then I see S gets drawn into other things that she then has  to get nasty about to bring to a halt.
Phew so flipping complicated.
I hope never to be this difficult to be with.

God please help me to retain my abstinence today in every shape and form. I realised I left a lie message on my sponsors answer machine and need to own that with her. I pick up lies like I picked up food - automatically. I felt scared that I'd got it wrong. Bless my scared little soul. And instead of saying that I had not had an alarm to tell me to call and got carried away with deep thinking and other things. Also I am tired after a couple of strange calls through the night. Then I burnt a pan this morning being all too easily distracted. IN fact I burnt the pan twice. I am just not focused and need to regain myself and remain conscious. I am already late leaving so gotta go!

I will add that I was distracted last night with M/s and the whole drawing in of being a slave and totally possessed. I masturbated and feel sickened by this part of me. It's too difficult to understand and I am sure that it was an escape from feeling vulnerable and uncertain. I then was texting JH the M of the M/s this morning as he is visiting the UK and it all tied in. Too easily distracted with this rather than focusing on what I am finding tricky times. I don't like myself much either for not knowing how to deal with the situation at work. I tell myself I should know better. And I feel so insecure in my work immediately upon her return. And I think I am so closed minded in my defence of that. Grrr.
Gently does it. God please be with me. Let me bring you into my day today.
Bliss
XX

The colour gold

The most alluring? The most beguiling?
A timeless obsession with all things gol. We use it to represent all things sacred.
Honouring gods and kings and queens.
Techniques that craftsmen have used - fine arts and dark arts.
How has the consumer age conditioned gold to be merely a means to buy and sell.
And then it is also of divine status.

When did humans first take gold from the Earth?
It must have been sucha glorious wonder at what they saw.

It is easy to fall in love with it. It looks radiant and warm and it's yellowness.
The only thing that looked anything like gold and that was the sun. People thought they were one and the same at one time
A golden sun disc 2000 bc. 800bc piece of jewellry.
And exhibited at the National Museum of Denmark a sun chariot
3500 bc - in int condition. A bronze horse wth ears pricked. Standing on 4 wheels dragging a great big sun disc behind it.
Elders of the community, the priests, would haul the chariot around to signify the importance of the sun.
An explicit connection between the colour of gold and the co,our of the sun
Both have sparkle and brilliant yellowness.
Like the sun gold still shines despite the number of years that pass.

One civilisation was identified with golden treasures like no other.
Ancient Egyptians. They were unique
Whilst many countrie had to trade or barter or hunt gold in far off lands. In Egypt they found gold everywhere.
Their territory was littered with seemingly abundant supplies of gold.
The Egyptians were very good at extracting the gold - day and night. And tehy became the worlds first gold mining estate.
But to understand the qxquisite gold works it is essential to head south - Sukara
Head of some of the toldest tombs.

Relief carvings depict the gold workings from beginning to end
Even though there were enormous aounts of gold available.
Remarkable relief carvings - hyroglyphs talks about the beauty of gold.

Remarkable ting about some of the images - all 4 goldsmiths were dearfs. All across the country dwarfs were gold workers. As it was believed all dwarves were gold diggers.

20th Century - Howard Carter was a maverick in search of gold. He discovered the tomb of Tut Ankh Ahmun.
"So gorgeous was the sight that met out eyes. Everywhere the glint of gold"

The treasures were never intended to be seen by humans. But Carter colected everyting and sent it to the museum in Cairo. A throne, jewellry of every sott.
The sarcohpagus was solid gold.  The death mask in sold gold 11kg is the most tresured and exquisite piece of work. Enladen with lapis carmellion obsidian and quarts.
A tender porttrait of the man.

Why is the mask in gold? Whay the coffins, the shrines almost everyting in this tomb in gold?

He needed to impress nobody. But he believed that gol had magiccal properties. It is believed that some of the eternity may rub off on Tut Ankh Amun.
The desire to honour the sun god pushed the Egyptians to the hardest building crafts.
Theycontinued to use gold to reveal teh divine.

As the ancient world changed gold would be exchanged. Via Rome, the scene of the revolution. All pagan gods were banished and replaced with a single creator.
312AD the roman emperor Constantine converted to Christianity. His new religion spread to the poor an the needy.
Christianity unoriginal in many ways except it's distate for wealth, ostentious display.
Chrost is shown as the first poor God in history. But within a few centuries stargame things happened - a new art form showing how early Christians who once renounced God now couldn't resist its draw.
Early in the days of Christianity - so much gold and yet criticised the way in which people were seduced by gold.
Gold is represnting not material things but immaterial things.
Aidan Hart - icon painting kept alive. Steeped in the mysteries of golden art.

Life with God is dynamic not static. So the paintings were supposed to be seen by candlelight and then the colour of the gold is transformed from murky brown to shimmering yellowness. It even seems to ance, responding and reflecting the light in a stunning way. No other colour reflected or shimmered like gold.
Golden light of icon paintings was intoxicating. Christians yearned to have more of it.
The Romans wanted to be fully immersed in the golden light of heaven
6th century AD 0 full immersion into the divine light of heaven
Basicalla designed in 6000BC. A master piece of early Christian art.
The walls are encrusted with gold. But this gold is applied with one of the great inventions of byzantine age.
Goldtespera. 10's of 1000' of them
Trapping all the light it emphasises the way in which his wife will take the coolness.

Early Christians used the colour ingeoulsy despite having reounced gold in the past.
IN the Renaiisance heaven lost it's monopoly in gold becomong a more loyal party after a call from the frien in autralia
Trusted courtiers were given gold. And it represented power, politcs and something else I couldn't here.
Florence - in the Renaissance it was a great centre for gold work.
They sold their wares to the rich in Europe. Most hoped to get their hands on Benvenuto Cellini
He wanted to be an artist and forced his way into the uni's.
Celloini became the gretest goldsmith of them all.
HIs writings are a bible to the goldsmith's report.

Paolo Pnco was follwing the teachings of Cellini since a littel boy.
I'm tied and need to sleep. Aftercare toomorrow - horray!!!!!!!

Bliss
XX

Mediation

Hmm do I or don't I?
The boss-lady is back and instantly this morning she engaged me in a discussion that ends up with her simply contradicting. She raises these questions knowing that she is going to pout her view across and anyone else's is invalid. I forget every time and wonder why I am entering into an argument which is just nonsense. I would like to remember to step aside from the debates as they are simply not debates they are going to be her telling her thoughts and everyone else is wrong!!
God help me, guide me in what to do please.
I met with F who basically said these are my options
1. I do nothing and hope things improve
2. I leave
3. I take this to a level of grievance which is a lengthy and nasty procedure. Legalities become involved and it could mean one or other is suspend whilst investigations take place. This was in connection with mentioning the word bullying.
4. I enter into mediated meetings and discussions. This requires input and energy to find a way through to a solution

The last one seems the most frightening. Well that is because I have completely discarded option 3. It's just not that serious an issue for me. I am unhappy in the workplace though working for her.
So do I go for option 4 or 1. After all I am hoping for option 2 but with some resolution for me, myself and I with the way this boss-lady is but how I learn to accept the situation and strengthen my resolve to her.
It's just horrible though. It's not possible to do my work and feel comfortable. Of course really, deep down, I want her to change and be changed. I want the management to see the problem and sort her out. Bloody hell! What am I to do?

Sketching helps.
And talking with friends. Laughed and empathised and hypothesised with V this evening. A great chat with all sorts of topics covered. One hopes that sketches are not offence.

So what happened today other than the crazy conversation. So many times i wanted to jump in and have an organised procedure around this or that. But thank goodness I am learning to keep my mouth firmly shut. She does not want procedural things raised. So just get on with what I am doing and let go. Trust that anything untoward will come to light and I do not have to be the one who says anything.
S was very touchy feely I noticed. I wonder if she was very stressed last week, hence the rushing around and super controlling. And then big apologies afterwards with hugs and friendliness.

I am dreading supervision tomorrow. I think whilst I consider the options I will keep my mouth closed. After all I'll only be disagreed with anyway. Be quite and stay out of trouble. It's so much easier.

I want a drink. A Tea Pig Peppermint and Liquorice. I'll be right back.

In group this morning I was back in the uncertainty of what to do or say. I asked a couple of questions and sat back. She did nothing really although I liked the way she asked if what others started talking about was helpful to the person who had initiated a discussion around what was going on for them and was slightly hi-jacked. I would like to remember that.
Sometimes I do think she asks very good questions within the Process Group. It's just that she sees her way as the only way and my way as the wrong way. She cannot incorporate both as potential ways to reach a similar point but from different directions.
Thank goodness none of the others can work with it the way it is. Otherwise it's all me!!

I am tired really and writing drivel. I will have my drink and then off to bed.
Night all
Bliss
XX

The Future

Hmmm I must say I got a little bored as I watched this. The write up says that the adoption of a cat changes the entire course of this couples life. Well I'm not sure I made that connection from it. Their lives changed but I didn't see how the cat had anything to do with that. I am missing something obviously. I was hopeful for the cat who was just waiting, waiting , waiting whilst they got on with their fay ways.
Empire gave it 4 stars so I'm going to read their review and see if I missed what they are very highly suggesting was there.



"Lookalike couple Sophie (July) and Jason (Linklater) have a relationship crisis when they realise they have 30 days until they are due to adopt a stray cat named Paw-Paw. Venturing out into the world to enjoy their last month of absolute freedom, they each encounter someone who will change their lives more profoundly than the presence of a mere cat." Empire.
Directed by MIranda July and starring Miranda July with Hamish Linklater.



Well that's not entirely how I saw it at all. The link with the cat seems to me to be so tenuous. Almost an aside. So I'm surprised that the 30 days prior to the cat's due date is the cause of them meeting people that will influence them. However, I do see that the encounters were of incredible influence. I think Linklater's encounter was a whole lot more principled but I did like the posit that the couple are in very early days of their relationship and that bad things will happen but these will be things that can strengthen their relationship if they can work through them. Yes I could truly see that. 
I would say there were some moments in it. But to be honest nowhere near as good as Me, myself and me. Was that what it was called?
No it was Me You and Everyone We Know.
I admire Miranda's tenacity though. She has made a name for herself, forging herself into the film making business. Almost single handed. That I cannot find fault with and I admire her for it. I am probably missing something about her film/s. Just not getting something.


Bliss
XX

Proud pride

Proud
adjective

1. feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable or creditable to oneself (often followed by of, an infinitive, or a clause).

2. having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority.

3. having or showing self-respect or self-esteem.

4. highly gratifying to the feelings or self-esteem: It was a proud day for him when his son entered college.

5. highly honorable or creditable: a proud achievement.

Pride

noun

1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2. the state or feeling of being proud.

3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

4. pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.

5. something that causes a person or persons to be proud: His art collection was the pride of the family.

Well L raised this for me at the meeting last evening. She is very critical of herelf which was another story. I often hear her agonise over either not knowing what to say or afterwards not being articulate enough. How I relate. Comparing myself with others and worrying that I'll have said something that's wrong, not getting it right, not having the words or knowledge to truly express what's going on inside of me. And yet I sit bak and think L is so full of knowledge and thought and creativity and experiences. She raises interest from within me, creates thought in me. She thinks she has to know and get it right I think and yet that's developing within her through her incredible curiosity. I get it though. I want to have a better vocabularly, to be more conscious and be able to communicate my consciousness. Listening to L has made me realise that that has been growing over the years. What i used not to know I have been gradully learning through experience. For example words. I have a terrible memory for vocabulary and yet I'd love to have an extensive vocabulary to really be able to communicate the nuances of what I'm thinking.
But I realise that my vocabulary has been developing. My sentence structure can leave me limited as can the extent of my vocabulary. However there is development. And I think word meanings real are to be exprerienced n ot just learnt parrot fashion for me. Some people can learn and know. I have to learn through experience and example. At least I'm beginning to know my best learning methods. I didn;t have a clue even a month or so ago. I have read nad read about these sort of things but not realy had a clue. If soeone says something I need specific examples to get clarity of the meaning. There we are. Progress.
So when L raised the subject of feelig proud versus the dangers of pride, it has evoked some thought in me. People ay pride is something to be avoided. I woner if it truly is to be avoided at all costs. I think there are extremes that can be actually devastating. And those extremes to my knowledge at this time are the ways I knwo them to manifest within me. Either I am worthless and lower than shit on another persons shoe, even my own shoe at times. Or I am superior and egotistical. Even as I write egotistical I wonder what the actual meaning of this is.
You see if you look at the definitions of pride it has many positive connotations. It is a feeling of self respect and dignity. Even the word superiority is presented with a positive tilt. Whereas I write superiority with the additional meaning of arrogance. And superiority means to me feeling above others and therefore comapring myself higher than others. This is not healthy for me. This makes me special and then all sorts of other defects can creep in, such as s ense of then deserving and others less deserving. I think pride is dangerous when I start comparing myself in any shape or form.
That can happen at work. Often I am comparing myself and come off worst. I am lowly and undeserving. Everyone is better than me. Nothing I do is good enough or I am worse than i was before. There is this overriding negativity to beat myself down with. But there are times when I feel that it's because of me that good things have happened. Or it's me that is the best. Or it's all about me indeed. Self centredness you see comes from pride.
Oh darn it I need to leave for my trek towards London. off to FA. I love going to the meeting and today I am expecting to meet L from Hastings. I speak with her on the phone and have a picture in my head of how she will look. I have a stong feeling I am giong to eyt again be very wrong about. Voices and circumstances draw on previous expreience and then I create pictures. Everyone does I think. I imagne she's about my age but actually I suspect she's younger. I imagine she will have dark brown curly shoulder length hair. And be a bit rounded but of course she won't be now as she's well over her 90 days. She must be at or close to target. Oh I imagne her to be about 5'2" ish. And t dress quite mumsy. All this comes from a voice, her interests and that she is a mum.
I really have to leave.

Bliss ... to be continued ...

egotistical
adjective

1. pertaining to or characterized by egotism.

2. given to talking about oneself; vain; boastful; opinionated.

3. indifferent to the well-being of others; selfish.