Reflections on DSE232

Well to begin with it seems overwhelming - this term VLE.I was expecting some specific piece of software and gradually through systematically reading trather than panic erratic reading, I'm realising this is an accumulation of skills in using technology.
So reading the instructions and following them is calming me down.
I do find the navigation and where to find relevant materials online a little daunting and I guess takes time to get used locations. I have experience of getting acclimatised in the past and this feeling of uncertainty always passes with practice.
I do tend to try and work it out by myself first and then ask when I get "stressed"but get a little daunted and the afraid that I will appear stupid and publicly because of the forum style questions.
I am getting over myself though and instead asking anyway.
It was interesting attempting to explain to a friend what I am studying. I had read the introduction but it had not sunk in what I am really studying and so thinking about what I am learning about what is normal forst all and how tat can be applied in say occupational psychology. What do I think now that I have reviewed what occupational psychology actually is. It is concerned with issues in the workplace including the perfomrance of people in the workplace.
So with regard to dyslexia for example I imagine that an occupational psychologist would be assessing what difficulties are arising for the individual and assess what is needed to support them. Perhaps the role is wrong for them? Wouldn't this be setting a prejudice in place?
And stress of course is a big concern for occupational psychologists in the work place. The employer in both circuymstances ie stress and dyslexia is expecting the very best possible performance and why should they make allowances for the individual? They are surely duty bound but are they according to employment law. So an occupational pscyhologist is probably required to know a little about emploment law. Everyone can cope with different levels of stress and this can vary too in the individual according to what else is going on thier lives.
Interesting musing these points already.
But then what will be learning about clinical, forensic and educational psychology and dyslexia and stress.
Understanding what they are is one thing - applying the different persepctives of applied psychology is what we are going to learn. Interesting.

This is now 2013 and that is another course I had to give up on. Bugger!!

Bliss
 

Decisions decisions

Is it me?
So this morning G knew that I was studying. He had already said that he would be dragging his heels before leaving and made comment about what time would I be intending on kicking him out? It's as if he's made a victim in all of this. Writing this I feel furious. It's a culmination of things really. He comes here and just stays and stays. He is welcome to feel at home but also he takes extreme liberties. He asks if he can stay as if he's a victim. Then when he's here he just makes things dirty and doesn't clear up after himself. He offered to wash up when I was about to start doing it and got quite cross when I said I would do it. I said then that I needed it done before 12:30. IUt stillw asn;t done so I started doing it. He was cross again and I said I needed it sone so would rather do it. Angrily he said "do it then!" as if I was in the wrong. Was I? I didn;t expect him to do it. It would have been nice if he had and even bothered to do it from time to time. He moans about making me cups of tea all the time but it's the only f....ing thing he does do. He worked out where we were going to walk but couldn;t drive us there because he didn;t have much petrol.
Then there's his situation ith D. He says they are just good mates. However, he acknowledged that she does come onto him especially when drunk. He gets cross when I ask questions and it seems to me he is angry coz the reality is exposed. He talks about it as if it's all okay. I doubt very much whether it would be all okay if it were the other way around. I do not expect nor want him to change things because I don't like it. On the contrary. If he was to alter the situation it would need to be because he wanted to. But as it is I don'tlike it. D wants him to stay this coming weekend when her husband is away. I said I do not feel at all comfortable with that and niether does he. But because I am a secret once again he would have to make up llies to explain why he can't stay. This isn't okay in my book. The entire situation is not respectful to me I don't think. Now he could probably swing that aroundsaying that I don't want to stop mny studying and our time is limited. There is some validity in that. It does interfere with social life. But it isn't in the secret. I don't have to lie to anyone including him about it. I am tied for time and want to put some effort where I haven't been until now.
I do make time for him. It's difficult for me to see the difference but it feels different.
This morning I said I didn;t have time to help him with his phone issues. Yet again he tries to talk whilst I am studying - and I have fiully informed him of my commitment. So when I asked him for help, which I might add he said he would help over the weekend, he said no he didn;t have time right now. I know it was a tit for tat, retaliation. Again no doubt feeling rejection or something. The f...ing victim yet again. Well his reponses are really quite nasty. And then he got agry and things were thrown around. His f...ing phone. When things don't work out for G he just gets really outrageoulsy angry. This behaviour truly is not nice. I get angry. I get raging. I am attempting to manage my behaviour better and remain dignified and also be respectful and conscious of other people. I wasn't in the past. So G is where he is but again it's whether I want to tolerate it or not.
Is it worth it? Is he thoughtfuol enough and interesting enough and nice enough? He is likeable, funny, intelligent, bright and so on. He has some spiritual path. But there are behaviours and attitudes that really are not acceptable to me. I wish he were just a friend and then there wouldn;t be all the nastiness which I believe will ensue if I do decide to end it. Even if he decided to end it I don't think he could be amicable. And surely that tells me a lot!!
What am I doing and why am I deliberating? Because I don't want to lose the things in him I do enjoy. Yesterday walking and him showing me places to see the cowslips. They were in abundance and there was A and I seeking them out last year as if they were a rarity. And all the names of things he just knows. I makes it so interesting to walk. The trees, the birds, the wild flowers. Wow how it's opened me up to even more beuaty that surrounds us. We walked through private land and he had worked it out on the maps. That's fantastic.
I have his maps downloaded. Can I retain those if I don't have his sign on. And some of them I have paid for too. Oh well let go of the money. Yet again I come out worse off financially. I leant him £240 for tyres which I still haven't received back when he assured me I would get it back. We'll see if he does when he recieves his back pay. Somehow I doubt I will see it ever again. I did remind him again recently.

Photos fromm yesterday.

 Field of cowslips

 Cuckoo Flower

 Leaf of Common Spotted Orchid

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 

 Forget-me-not

 Forget-me-not

 Mayflower?

 

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 

 Lords and Ladies leaf

 Natures Sculpture

 

 Holly - oh la la!

 Clock Tower (not too clear)

 Trespassing on private woods. I want my own!

 The navigator!

 Wood Spurge

Bliss
XX

Crumbs such as a Smile

With regard to the treatment centre job offer in Thailand, The timing isn't good for this kind if a move. I'm not unhappy where I am in anything just not terribly satisfied. More gratitude less wanting. Reading the big book this morning which I'm advised to read a couple if paragraphs chosen at random on a regular basis, I was reading about sex conduct - liked your link between accepting first smile from a man and similarly job. I did do that with G. Never think men will find me attractive so when one does I'm so shocked and flattered. Anyhow that's by the by. As I was reading it flirted through my mind how boring a person I'll be if I live by my principles. Used to think the same about drinking and drugging and even jobs and EVERYTHING - if I live as I believe then I WILL be boring. I worked hard at crossing my principles and the rules. I constantly have felt guilty and have been waiting to get caught. Funny thing is its me who caught me and I imploded. In fact drinking and drugging just relaxed my internal disciplinarian do that I could break my internal measure - and overcome my reservedness. It's not new information but sometimes it shines obvious and it's good to share it rather than just let these thoughts come and go. So the naughty, addictive, hedonistic me suddenly rose up. I thought "bloody hell, it will be boring not to toy with men from time to time." It's so insidious how this restless element to me manifests. I am glad of the awareness as in that moment I could also bring in the part if me that does want to be respectful, not give any cause to writes jealousy, suspicion or bitterness. I can live by the way I believe in and feel at ease with. There have even been times when I've forced encounters as a way of dealing with my own jealousy, suspicions and bitterness. Retaliation. And of course those feelings can be self induced, not based in any reality other than my own insecurity. I've made it all do complex and if course it became more and more complicated as the years went by. The escalation. Of course things are much simpler and less damaging when I started out. And then the line into compulsiveness was crossed at some point. I knew no other way at that point. But it's all fallen in and I'm very grateful I can be redirected. Not pure of thought but at least I'm making wiser choices. Just really wanted to externalise a moment of my thoughts. Thanks for reading this. All triggered by page 69-72. And not wanting to be driven by my self-centredness or what was a blinded desperate bid for survival in other words. Wanting to be guided by a more inner sense of decency - listen to my instincts more, and be mindful of others - gradually gradually waking up.

Bliss

Orange Saturday Evening

So I've been to Uni. It was such an interesting lecture on problem solving. Could I study this afternoon? No!
G is due to visit and stay. But dog sitting for D he has been delayed. I can't say I'm that bothered really. It's more evidence that this isn't really for me. I still am not sure.
Watching Homeland I was attracted to one of the actors and the good looks seemed to be a trigger to wanting to contact LW. I didn't, haven't and don't really want to.
I've noticed for maybe a couple of years that when reaching for something with my left hand I don't always coordinate correctly. Also at times my left hand feels odd, not quite attached.
When I was young there were times when my hand would completely lose strength. It used to create a sensation in me that was totally frustrating, niggling.
The other night when I couldn't sleep there were a couple if occasions when there was a kind of electric energy in my head. It was as if there was a buzzzzzz in my head and a sensation of a sort of vibration with that. I haven't told anyone because it always turns out to be nothing / examinations of various diets brain scans and so on.
I don't think I'll live to old bones. I don't want to live to old bones!

What a beautiful sunny day. And an orange sunset.
Lovely.

Bliss xx

For a long marriage don't divorce!

The secret to a long marriage, according to Olivia Harrison wife of George Harrison, is not to divorce. This means working through things. For me this means standing up for myself, being decent, honest, respectful, honourable and being ME. I need to say to G that I'm really looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. And if he's free to stay over Sunday then I'd really like that. Monday I'm off work to study so would need Monday to actually study. And then in the afternoon I'm meeting Miranda for a walk and a cuppa. I just don't want him staying during the day and that night too.
It's hard to be firm about this. What's the light-hearted way to say that? I don't want to hurt him and yet need to take care of myself as well.

I'm sitting here, sunny afternoon, and there's the sound of a lawn mower. I have always LOATHED that sound. And I've just pieced it together. The feel I get from it is the similar balmy feel to the weather, me indoors, upstairs alone and something has happened. In the meantime my dad has just got on with "normal" things as if nothing has happened at all. Noone knows how lonely I am and doesn't seem to care. Am I making this up? Or is it real. The LOATHING is very strong and the feel on loneliness and isolation is too. I want to believe it but can never be sure of myself. Perhaps I'm a pathological liar as I think my dad was. Am I?

God show me please.
Actually I don;t feel dramatic or traumatised by this connection, real or not. In the past it would have been a dramatic reaction; panic attacks, tears, frozen and needy. Not today. It's just a sort of "oh is that what is is?"
Yet again I'm not reading. I need to read just the discussion bits - a walk with Loobs and then an hour of reading. An hour walk takes me to 16:00 and hour reading to 17:00. And G reckons he'll be arriving early evening.
I am not sure he's visiting to be with me or to avoid being at "the pit" or more widely known as his flat. I want to say that I'm looking forward to his visit and stay tonight. I'd prefer it if her went home tomorrow whilst I'm out in London and then if he'd like to come and stay again Sunday evening then that would be nice. BUT he will need to leave Monday am as I want to start studying in earnest. I an no longer mess around as I'm getting so far behind.
How on earth do I say that so that I'm taking him into consideration as well. You see I'm assuming that he'll do what he's done in the past and stay tonight expecting to stay tomorrow.
However I texted already asking him what he'd like to do. Bugger. I was easy going about these things but realise he takes it beyond my easy going point and I haven't said anything. So clawing back the boundaries is very difficult. However, I want to do it for myself.
Right a walk up the hill.

Oh did I mention that I got the courage to speak to my sponsor about not being comfortable with weight increase and wanting to take some food out. She removed 1oz of oats with my breakfast. She asked how I felt about it and I felt happy. She is considering the anorexic in me which I am grateful about. This happened a few days ago. I said I'd also like to reduce the oil at some time. If I could maintain 120 lbs I'd be at my optimum happiness with my size and weight. She thinks it's too low. I don't want to be less but I am not feeling size-wise comfy at 125 +.

Right the walk

Bliss
XX
 

Standing on the shoulders of giants

It's funny because I see in me the ways I do what I do in addiction as the same thing as you do in avoidance. I'm not saying it IS the same just I recognise similarities in the underlying Issues. And I also see how easily I could go into avoidancy. It's not the first time I've recognised it but I don't think I've ever talked about it with you. In particular as I started acting out with Leslie - god I'm so tired of the behaviours. Thank goodness. For so many years now the addictive behaviours and codependency are shown clearly to me yet I'm so good at wanting what I want so denying the situations and consequences. How many times do I want to get burnt. It's not the men - I create abuse. It's a horrid default. And I want to step away from the defect. My gosh I get a lot of practice. Phew! Thank goodness for practice but good support to keep pulling through so far.
I started writig this to my friend M. But reflected on it and decided not to. It didn't feel appropriate. When we met on Saturday it could have been appropriate then and to have live examples of the way I spot the similarities. M always adds that she is avoidant and can be addictive too in her relating with people.
I am mainly addicted in relationships but can see how I become avoidant in some ways and could easily switch to avoidancy in a more obvious way.
Fundamentally addictive or avoidant, the missing ingredient is intimacy. And INTO ME U SEE intimacy involves being transparent and that means being pure or being able to share the things that are embarrassing and bring on feelings of shame too. Either stop those behaviours and attitudes that bring that on or stand up and being counted for them.
M was talking about not being sure about this guy D so tending not to answer calls or meet up. I am not sure about G a lot of the time but instead of avoiding I am in addiction, he's here all the time, I tolerate behaviours and situations that actually I am not happy with.
Whereas M can  put down boundaries that are inflexible, I put down boundaries that are either so flimsy that there is no resistance at all or there are no boundaries.

Today I stood up for myself. I didn't want him to stay another night. And in the clumsiest way possible I said so. It was horrid being then on the receiving end of his reaction although he has been decent about it really. There was awkward silence and a very frosty "right, I'm off then". I asked when we might speak to each other again. And he said "when we speak to each other". There is no commitment from G. He said yesterday there is no contract between us but there is little of a commitment in any sense. He says he doesn't look at other women not because of his commitment to me but because he doesn't do that sort of thing because of his insecurities. That's not acceptable to me. It's true and I appreciate the truth. I am seeing what happens but I store that sort of information. Then there is his friendship with D. I am not happy with him texting all the time he's with me or visiting there and coming back here. Mainly I think he's here because he doesn't want to be at his home, named the pit or he's not permitted to stay at D's house, named the castle.
I am not saying I want him to change per se. Of course I'd like things to be different but what I am saying these are things that actually I am questioning about whether I want in my relationship with someone. I don't like his gossipping. I don't like how he is so critical about the work that I do as if he knows best. He knows a lot but if his word isn't taken then he gets angry and actually points out how closed I am to ideas. I can agree with that to some extent. But pot calling kettle black infuriates me.
And also when things are not going well there he is angry and moody. That's okay as such but it falls out regularly on me. He is ultra sensitive. He is restless all too easily and does nothing about that.
I am sitting here saying all these things with a bit of a whinge. But it's me that's not comfortable with the situation. I am not blaming him and I don't want him to change at all. All I am doing is looking at things how I perceive them and assessing what is okay by me or not. There are wonderful things about that I love deeply. I love walking with him and the freshness of seeing things and hearing things. I lobe the way he cares about people and there is a detail in his caring. I love his brightness, his humour and his intelligence. He has a stored for information and applies it well. I love sex with him. There is the possibility to try and have sexual intimacy but it goes quickly when all the other things kick in. I love the way he practices at enlightenment and his enthusiasm for some things is incredible. As incredible as that is, he can be dispassionate about things too and that is frustrating to watch. He is not happy otherwise I would say crack on.
He is irresponsible with money too but so am I and so that doesn't trouble me so much as it did when all the dust was in the air after my dad's will. I was expecting to be comfortable and was terribly discontented with everything when that was not the case. And G wasn't a help more of a drain financially.

So that's how it is with G. And the addictive process? Well having several times shown him the portal or he's taken the portal and then just slipping back into the same situation is just doing the same old thing and expecting different results. Addictive. Tolerating behaviours that actually create resentments in addictive behaviour. Being needy is addictive behaviour. Not taking responsibility for myself, i.e, being accountable and saying what I do and don't like is addictive behaviour. Not being able to set boundaries such as making calls to friends and FA folk is addictive behaviour. Getting involved once again in cyber-sex when I could actually see it happening in front of my eyes is addictive behaviour. And I do feel incredibly awful about that and glad that I could put a stop to it there and then regardless of what LW was about to start thinking of me. The packaging was rather gorgeous though. Anyhow when G said he needed to delete texts because if I read them my head would go all over the place with them ... firstly I was cross because he thought I'd read his texts, which there has been one occasion I tried to and I have signed in to read his emails. I refuse to do that again. But worse still is the fact that there are texts that he thinks would be inappropriate. I wouldn't want him to see the things I write about him and I certainly wouldn't want him to see the cyber-sexing texts with LW. So I understand but it doesn't make it okay. He sees D every day practically and they are texting all day every day. It's a big bug bear for me. He says it's all innocent and I put trust in that. However, the amount of contact and his apparent attachment to her is rather extreme. And his mood fluctuates according to what's going on with her.
I do not want it. I am glad I was able to say I didn't want to see him this evening and have the evening to myself. I enjoy his company when all is good. In fact I cherish those times they are so special. I do not like the other stuff and that seems to be more frequent.

So I have not been studying and avoiding doing any reading and now have an assignment that was due in today and I've only just started it.What am I doing now? Not my report or even any needed reading. I will do another half hour of reading and then tomorrow evening I will have to get my head into it yet again. On Sunday I am in London with the B's. I hadn't mentioned that to G so the fact that he's dog-sitting all weekend is food news for me. I don't even think I'll miss him so much. The excitement is wearing off I think because it's so full of fraught tension. But bloody hell it's lovely when that isn't there.

And I had an interview yesterday for DARA treatment centre in Thailand. A part of me wants to give it a 3 month try.Leave Loobs again? Difficult. And what about my flat and commitment to PD? I think PD would be very hurt. he already regrets the time off I take for my degree course. I couldn't do it without the time though. My days are so long by the time I've dropped Loobs off and collected her.
The island is mall C said and there is not much to do at all. Being with oneself is a critical ability to have she said. I have this romantic notion of beach bumming and stuff. It's is a snippet of the entire thing. I have a glimpse shot of somewhere exotic. it only remains exotic for a short while because in effect I am just there instead of here. The climate would be lovely of course.
I would miss art. I would miss friends. I would miss culture. I would miss G. I would miss like heck Loobs. I would miss ..............
Hmmm I sent an email to say that I rescind my application. We will see what happens when they respond. I would be interested to know the feedback from the interview. It was via Skype.

That's all folks!!

Bliss
XX

ps G calls himself Spiritual Giant (I think he half beleives it)

Bauhaus at Barbican

What a fascinating exhibition. The history of Bauhaus was brought to life for me today. I hadn't really known what it was all about an I have more of an idea now. I hadn't realised just what a faculty it was. What a wonderful time it must have been. So much being taught and discovered. The exhibition was pretty big. It took me over 2 hours to get around it. In the end I was very tired and over stimulate somewhat, so I confess I didn't pay as much attention to the exhibits at that point.
I wonder how often people come across artefacts that were from Bauhaus. I should love to discover something that I could keep.
I have this thing about possessing ..... I would prefer it if I could just hold the memories and I think that's it. I encounter all of these things and then they slip out of my memory. I have been to palces and seen things that I have long forgotten. It would be nice to be able to hold memories. I hold bad ones but what abut the amazing and wonderful and people, places and things.

This was written way back in 2012 - I was going to add more but didn't so posting it now. So long afterwards.
I was so impressed with Bauhaus and wanted so much to be in such an environment. I see an attempt of it at West Dean but of course do not have the funds nor the creative ability to beling there. Am I jealous? Yes.
However I did this sketch the other day and thought there is improvement. And I was left wondering too that once the idea of perspective has bedded in can one again return to the childlike drawings without an idea of perspective and then look like a pro trying innocence??
And I also have realised that I see very little of uniqueness these days in people's work. Occasionally something is unusual and catches my eye. But mainly it's been tried thus far. But then there are new movements and I suppose like anything in it's day from the past looks llike feeble attempts at new movements. Only historically sometimes do things that were once considered harsh and too radical become worthy.
Is that how it works?

Bliss
XX