Bonkers

Still having foody thoughts. I am using "don't eat whatever happens, whatever happens don't eat" like a mantra and also Thank you God that's not my food. Sometimes it seems easier than others. After eating my meal I seem more vulnerable. Ugh!

It was getting louder and more frequent before Christmas and resulted in picking up food but I didn't really talk about it. I mentioned it to my sponsor but didn't stress just how much.

The questioning I have is in every area of life not just what is or isn't the way of FA ... where's the fine line in everything, and this is something very personal I realise. So where's my fine line in all of life's issues, small or big.

My very good friends - 2 of them - have asked if I'm manic. I was diagnosed years ago with manic depression but stopped medication and have been generally much more level since FA. It doesn't go completely and I do get erratic thinking and find things funny that really aren't - at least I recognise that but go ahead and write things to people anyway. It used to be worse I'd do thing that were really risky and often out of order. Who needed drink and drugs huh? But I did that too. Made it all a whole heap worse in risk taking. These times are fewer and fewr, in fact rare. The odd thing is I adore the highs and the lucidity. Coupled with depression though and it's not good. That's how things are for me right now. I am functioning in terms of work, meetings, and a few other important matters. Then there are other areas of living that I'm not fulfilling and then these things in turn contribute to not feeing good about me and than, BAM!, i want to escape.

Anyway I am rather loathe to raise it as I've felt that diagnoses are not approved of by some. I myself wonder about the diagnosis especially as since being in FA (and menopause passing) I have been so much better.

So it's not surprising to be having a slightly higher high than I've experienced in the last 3 years shortly after relapsing on flour and sugar. 

I think it all contributes ....

I am philosophising about some major things - Charlie and freedom of expression versus responsibility and rights, listening to debates wit people like Will Self. I listened to a Radio 4 documentary about Japanese Manga and how in their culture thus far at least  they allow fantasy of sexually explicit nature that would be deemed illegal in this country. I am mulling over the neurological things and arguments in psychology that I've been studying for the past 6 years, and very certain that addiction exists as a neurological issue ... blah blah blah. 

So I am building in quiet time and finding creative outlets for this energy - sketching for example.

I feel bonkers and wont be sending this email.

Letter to Norway

I am well. I have made a good start now to my essay. Just getting ideas onto paper before then redrafting hopefully tonight and tomorrow to then send it off by latest midnight. Really it needs to be in by midday. Realised YET AGAIN how much angst I get into when it's essay tiem and how this angst distorts my views on everything. I get frustrated and I seem to have to place it somewhere and this time it was FA and recovery generally that seemed to get the anger from me. Thankfully I didn't relapse and managed to keep the basics going.
I am feelling pressured by my sponsor to get to meetings but it's me that feels pressured because I am making a choice currently to keep my time for studying. I known what she says I would say though - meetings are vitally important and without them recovery slips and without recovery I'm in the food and crazy! What  realise is that she is not pressurising me at all, she is merely suggesting even though it sounds like it's what she wants me to do. Therefore, I know its me that feels pressurised for not doing what would make her happy with me. Glad to take responsibility for myself and if she doesn't want to sponsor me or gets cross or frustrated with me that's for her to feel and deal with. She can tell me but she doesn't. Yes happy to see this.
I have not yet established what this means to me in terms of study versus meetings, as my studying is important. It's cost a lot of money and a big investment of time and to be honest blood sweat tears too. So I'm unsure at this time how best to manage it. I am making a choice right now and therfore can expect my recovery to be a bit nore shaky. However, I do the basics with God in my life and hold firm that there is always a way through so long as I DO NOT pick up food. I got into and out of a relationship without relapsing and learnt masses from it despite being warned that it was potential for relapse and craziness. There were crazy times and close calls but I got through it and stronger as a result.
So I must take responsibility for the risks I put my under - today I feel stronger again and thank God for giving me that strength and carrying me through recent days of what seemed like turmoil and close calls! Thank you God for keeping me abstinent. I am truly grateful

Bliss
XX

Destiny

I would like to share something a tad peculiar but think you'll  understand. It relates to hearing that someone in the rooms, a man I've been really fond of in the meetings, (not in any other way than adoring him for being funny and really quirky and lovely), anyway he died early yesterday morning, It was expected, he had Cancer. The Cancer escalated all very quickly though. I knew he hadn't been expected to live long when someone has been kindly keeping me informed over the past few weeks. This morning I knew he hadn't arrived yet. I felt he is hanging around a bit. I thought that about my dad - not that he was hanging around. I don't think he did that but he hadn't arrived for quite some time. I don't even know where the point of arrival is or what it is. I was telling this man this morning that he is free and needs to go. But he is struggling to let go. I know I sound bonkers. It's like the colours I see. I don't tell anyone any more because it's all in the mind. Odd thing is I sense my dad has been close the last couple of days. My mum pops in and out. I think it's all ways of me reconciling things when I think about it logically.

When you understand, Bliss, that what most people really, really want is simply to feel good about themselves, and when you realize that with just a few well-chosen words you can help virtually anyone on the planet instantly achieve this, you begin to realize just how simple life is, how powerful you are, and that love is the key. 

Fly little bird, 
    The Universe

Angels exist

Today I witnessed a beautiful thing. A lady I've had the honour of knowing have an injection of life into a man who was dying inside. PD today was given the lifeline and I saw him resisting with pride but also accept with honour.
I pray to God that you can remove my jealousy and self-obsession, as I sat and thought "why wasn't I offered that?" And "why am I only the manager." And " surely people can see the lackings???". I want to chop out this way of thinking and stick with the beauty I saw. I hope PD will also hold onto his home as this is an opportunity for him to really grow without the need to be the entrepreneur out on his own. He can be a part of the bigger organisation. It's where he belongs.
Please God help me to see the good in people and nurture rather than condemn. I want to love people and accept them for who they are, to be able to encourage their assets and be a part of their growth not instigate their downfall. Yet I hold this part of me that says but can't you see ...... See what Bliss?, that everyone including YOU Bliss have shortcomings but also great skills and experiences.
I hope that this afternoon I became part of the encouragement and joy and was far away from the negativity within me. Please God remove it in all it's forms. Show me how to be loving, caring and far from my insecurities. In that way jealousy and negative thinking will surely go God willing.

I'm scared to tell my sponsor my thinking because she'll make more judgement on me that I believe I picked up on the other day when I was explaining about PD spin doctoring and she said firmly said, " let him have his dignity!" Why wouldn't i? Well because it misrepresents me and I'm too afraid that on my own I can be of merit. I feel inferior just by being female let alone suddenly having no confidence. God please be with me and show me the way, every single step of it.
Thank you God I know you will.

Bliss
Xx

Hunch trusts

Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body.  I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!

Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am

Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.

Complicated people.

Bliss
XX

ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!

I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.

Assessment v judgement

I'm struggling to decipher between observing someone doing something and judging them. I am witnessing a person who is mentally unwell and asking others to do something that they themselves do not, and will not do. I am seeing someone who cannot make mistakes or fail and so spins a story and makes a situation look another way to convince themselves. I am not convinced. Yet it goes out to the public as if it's the truth and the person begins to believe it too. I think I've a bit of sour grapes there as it demeans my own position in all of the notification to save his dignity. I can give him that. I can be humble.

Bliss
xx

Ego versus laziness or conviction! Go with the flow ......

Well it seems it's for me to work on my niggles and criticisms and judgements with PD and also go ahead with AC. It's all steam ahead for AC.

Or is it ? Please guide me in my decision making process. And there's always layer upon layer to decipher.
What do I need to do to do the best? I want to work with people. I am passionate about working with people and helping them change where they want change.

Here's my decision tool in use again

Dilemma: AC  continues (yipeeee) and second interview with Priory

Date: 4^th August 2014 Decision needed by wed 6^th August 2014

Decision importance – weighty

Indecisiveness level: partisan

Best case scenario

Still to eventually set up own business – but to work for AC and PD with a third person, guaranteed for another year. Earn more money and be grateful for all that’s good. Get degree completed and then get some training organised next year in therapy.

Pipe dream – own business growth really

Worst Case scenario

Continue to be bored, critical, judgemental of PD. Piss the Priory off miss an opportunity

Gut feelings

Stick with PD and AC

Pluses – have lots of freedom and no responsibility other than as a counsellor. Get to do my studying. PD is now offering an increase in January and then again to £30k when he can.

Minuses – I do get bored and I’m not enhancing my counselling skills. I do disagree with PD and his ways and we have different ideas on therapy (but with the same ultimate goal)

Pluses – it’s another year guaranteed and in that time I can continue with my own little practice.

But I wonder whether I could negotiate 4 days per week at £28.5 as offered. Or I can run my private practice at weekends now I won’t be studying. Can I?

Minuses - I am pretty certain PD will want me full time L - maybe negotiable if we take on 3^rd person as a 4 dayer.

Pluses – PD is already aware of desire to go to Singapore next year for 3 to 4 weeks

Minuses – I don’t think there really are many minuses except as already stated my criticism and judgement which I commit to working through. It means being more open in discussion with him.

Gut feelings

Go for the interview in case the money doesn’t come through (only if something happens to B will it not come through.

To be honest I don’t want to work for them

Pluses – after conversation with ET got really positive comments and also to be myself is okay which helped with interview. i.e. my selling abilities are very natural. I am aware that sometimes people are making enquiries and that’s part of my assessment – are they really contemplating but can sew the seed and keep occasional tabs in case they become ready. But also very aware of substance and behavioural addictions – role with their speed but also encourage. Have had success being persuasive where I can see there is an urgency and simply fear.  All that sort of thing.

Minuses – all things I’ve already said – it’s a corporate with no real care for their staff. Might change and even might be able to fight but do I really want to.

Pluses – go for the interview and see how I do.

Minuses – have to then say will think about it and say no – ugh the thought of letting them down that way but that’s the way things roll.

Pluses – yes would be able to develop contacts in my own name but could do that anyway and it’s not my main focus right now.

Minuses – hard work!

Pluses – not so many really – all a bit of ego!!!

Intuitive conclusion – stick with PD at AC and slowly develop self and own thing

Rational conclusion – stick with PD at AC

Decision – stick with PD at AC

Next steps – decide whether to cancel interview or not

Dilemma: Cancel interview or not?

Date 4^th August 2014

Decision needed by am 5^th August 2014

Decision importance: Worthwhile to weighty

Indecisiveness Level: washy

Best case scenario:

Can go along for interview, be offered the job and they will happily understand my decision not to take up the offer. – Not a pipe dream if I handle it appropriately

Worst case scenario:

Don’t get offered the job or they are really pissed off with me and I upset relationships

Apocalypse – yes to latter part of that not to first part – will get over that.

Gut feelings

Cancel interview

Pluses – fair and not wasting time as decision is pretty much made up – just a slight doubt that maybe I’m missing an opportunity.

Minuses – don’t get to find out if I can be good enough – that’s pride and ego

Pluses – well quite simply I do not have to give any more time to the interview prep or time tomorrow much needed for my essay.

Minuses – there aren’t any really. Oh except if B doesn’t wire the money to PD for any reason we are out of money very soon and can’t continue.

Go for interview

Pluses – get to feed my curiosity about the process and if I can do it and come out looking good

Minuses – wastes everyones time for a bit of ego

Intuitive conclusion – money will come through and go with decision to stay with PD so cancel interview ASAP

Rational conclusion – cancel interview as soon as know money is secure

Decision – cancel interview but get help to word how to do this

Tomorrow am

Next steps ask PD to let me know once money is secure. Not that it really matters.

I wonder how many people see me use the word God and are turned off because it has religious connotations. My God is not religious of course. It's spiritual principles, it's universal energy, it's people, it's life courses, it's feeling good by doing what I rally value deep down inside. My real principles!

I'd really love it some days people would read my posts and enter into discussions with me. I love the interaction. It's not a blog though that attracts people just to read life stuff that's going on. I ralise that's actually quite boring.

Hey ho!

Bliss

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