Useful by being here and a slaves testament

For a long time yet, Bliss, there will still be things not to like in time and space... animal testing, war, discrimination, hatred, to name a few. But you realize, don't you, that only while you're there, can you do anything about them?


Oh yeah.

We can only watch.

The Universe
 
This is funny because today I asked my Master JH and my love if when we are together living simply if we would be able to keep bees. I am fascinated by them suddenly and love the idea of collecting the honey and maybe even being able to trade it with other local producers. But also very much as a way of contributing to the world as they are so endangered now. JH knows something about this too. He responded that he would like to. YAY!
I would also like to keep chickens and have fresh eggs. I like this picture I have. I also have this sense of bringing people together. Something we will do will create the opportunity for people to come together, meetings and learning or personal growth or something. It feels free and easy and loving and safe. I repeat easy as I see happiness.
 
I visited the hospital today - internal examination. It HURT! and M asked me why I didn;t tell anyone as it was being done that it was hurting. After the event I felt tearful.
I sent a text to JH, saying that I was out and very basic news. He sent a text back saying that he would call later. In retrospect I realised I wanted him to call but I didn't ask him to. I am still so far from identifying my wants and needs and being able to ask for them. Telling the doc about being in pain was another example.
When JH did call (he is so thoughful and lovely) I felt angry. I don;t know why. I was quite the martyr wanting to say that he should forget about me and get back to his kids. Oh poor poor me. Pah! Thankfully I don;t think I got myself stuck on this worthless idea. I said I wanted an hug and he said he was hugging me. That felt so nice of him to respond that way. I then was really happy after a little while talking to say goodbye knowing that he needed his tme with his children. No resentments - just love.
I am learning and growing. It is lovely.
 
M gave me a hug when I got home. That was lovely. Brings tears to me. I am not really certain why. Somebody really cares. I know for M hugging takes her effort. I apreciate her friendship. I love her.
She has cooked and talked and listened and been easy gong. Just what I needed.
I had stopped en route and bought a treat. I wanted chocolate and cakes. So I bought a chocolate pudding.
 
Now I feel incredibly bloated and there is some pain still.
M has suggested that I tell the GP about the pain and the fact that I didn;t tell them when it was hurting as they were examining me. It just doesn;t occur to me. As far as I am concerned I am to sit there quietly and just let them do what they are supposed to do. If there is anythign they will find it. But as M pointed out they may miss something if I don't tell them how things are affecting me. Still so much to learn.
 
My dad called. I hadn't realised I had told him when I was going to the hospital. The conversation was OK. Funnily enough M said as the phone was ringing "Oh don;t let it be your dad!" And it was. Ha ha.
 
Yesterday I went to find out from slaves and Masters about falling in love with my Master and him falling in love with me.
Oddly I received an IM from my former Master. He was asking for an update on what I have learnt since he last had contact with me. I will tell my Master and my love that I have received this.
As my Masters slave and because I adore him I would tell him everything and ask permission for everything I want. When I remember. I am still so self willed and there is a lot of control to learn how to let go of. And yet it feels so right for me.
The funny thing is my Master who is my love, is very loving and giving. He has requirements but doesn't enforce them. Oddly when I don;t comply I feel I have let him down.
I was given this by a Mistress in SL - I have much to learn and put into practice. The thing is although it is slavery it seems to apply so well to me feeling free and respectful fo the person I am in love with ...
Slaves Creed




i will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. i realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Owner and i from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm



i will not try to manipulate my Owner. i will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should



i will keep an open mind about trying things that i am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. i will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.



i will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Owner and will do my best to fulfil Her wishes and desires. i will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, i know that submissive does not equal "doormat"



i will be courteous and helpful to my fellow slaves, i will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope they they will learn from where i have been and i will take the time to help those new to the lifestyle start out on the correct path.



i will be responsive to my Owner, i will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that i may assist Her in Her responsibilities as my Authority, i know that Dominants are not telepathic, and will not expect Them to know the thoughts or feelings which i do not share.



i will never think myself a "better" submissive because i choose to submit on a different level than another. i will not be boastful of experiences i have had as a sub. i know that my actions reflect upon my Owner, and will do my best to help others see Her in a positive way, i will not intentionally embarrass or displease my Owner.



Above all, i be a slave with honour, i will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or subhuman. i will take pride in who and what i am, and will never show myself in a negative way
 

Feeling close despite the distance

Of course, Bliss, the most deceptive of all illusions is very likely space.


You know, that thing between "here" and "there" that would have you see yourself alone, instead of as the bridge between them. That medium between you and the rest of the world that disguises your role in creating it. You know, that veil through which the physical senses must explore your chiseled secrets.

See? Aliens are the least of your worries...

Phone home,

The Universe
 
Well this is so appropriate, having spoken with my Master and my love about how we can be together when there is physical distance between us. I even wrote to the Universe expressing my wants. And then this message.
In terms of slavery, it gets a little confusing. I am not certain how to have a Master/slave relationship when this is th same man that I love and am in love with. Confused because although I think a slave can love and be in love with a Master, the Master may not really be in love with the slave. I don't know why I think this. Maybe I could speak with some Masters and slaves to find out their thoughts.  Mmmm yes good idea

My love and my master is away on holiday. It is so odd after all this time on Skype to be talking on the telephone.
Even odder with M staying and I feel I cannot talk so openly. I am worried how she might judge me.

Journeying into slavery

"When love beckons to you, follow him. Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden amongst his opinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden." Kahil Gibran

Mmmmm - somehow this seems relevant in the submission I feel in my role with my Master. It is in direct controversy with my controlling self.

To yield - I know this is empowering. I feel empowered when I yield. It gives me security in myself and I gain that from my role.

That may make no sense at all to anyone reading this unless you already know that I am my Masters slave. Yet within this relationship I have fallen in love and he loves me so there is at times perhaps a confusion in how to be both. I guess this is more learning. How to continue to be my Masters slave whilst also both loving one and other.

When I think of him I can feel him through my body. It starts at root or base chakra and then into the second chakra and then into the solar plexus. The heart chakra feels plentiful.

I think in April I became my Master's slave. I am writing this now so as not to lose the clarity as it fades fast.

I encountered my Master whilst I was already a slave to Senor. My Master seemed well masterly and I felt compelled to speak with him. And just after a few conversations and also yielding willingly to his sexual attention, I asked if he would like me to sit at his feet as his slave for him to see if he liked the role. From there very quickly I was asking Senor if he would loan me ... He agreed first to 4 days and then when this seemed not to be fit in with Master's plans, Senor loaned me for 2 weeks. My Master was then away for the weekend yet managed to make some contact and tell me his requirements. On his return, I sat at his feet a lot and we mainly talked and I met his requirements. I quickly felt my adoration growing and became more willing to meet his requirements.

I am unclear of the order of things and how they escalated but I revealed myself to my Master in different ways - in writing, in photographs and eventually through Skype.

I suppose it is necessary to explain that I had already been captured by Senor maybe a month or two prior to meeting my Master. Quite innocently I was invited by Senor to meet with him, and I accepted his offer. I had met him in passing some days maybe a month earlier.

As I met with him he told me to get on my knees. Fascinated, I did as I was told. After a few days of meeting under such strange circumstances, with no chatting, merely being told his requirements of me, I entered into being his slave willingly.

Senor required me to read the 128 slave rules which I had to find. And then to write the rules that I agreed with or those I found difficult and why. I actually discovered two versions to begin with. I could see how easily I would be able to comply and started to become aware of the pleasure I found in being submissive to Senor.

At first he did not collar me. He did not think it necessary. But as he realised I did not yield to all of his requirements he decided to collar me.

I discovered that I felt safe as slave to Senor. He was not available very often and so required me to undertake my own teaching - this involved sexual acts as well as practicing being submissive with others.

It was through "others" that I met my now Master. In being submissive, I was lent to a learning Dom who was interested in making me do things without consideration and humiliating me. He had taken me to a place where I was required to have sex with a French woman. At this point I was aware of a man sitting quietly observing the scene. I felt some kind of connection with him just knowing he was watching. When he spoke it was very calm and non judgemental. The French girl being satisfied left commenting only that it was good and poufff she was gone.

My Master offered me friendship. .... the rest is history as they say.

Oh except that as the end of the 2 weeks approached I explained to my Master that I really wanted to stay with him. I did feel though a great deal of emotional discomfort knowing that I was being disloyal in this way to Senor. It is surprising really how entirely the role as a slave has penetrated through me. And so negotiations commenced with me as the messenger between Senor and my Master. It was so strange. Eventually Senor agreed to give me away to my Master. He did not want money. He did try to take me back as my Master cleverly predicted but my Master had already been prepared and so stopped the possibility.

I really know that it has value for me as a person.....

Senor had taught me that there could be no bad feelings for any reason. If I so much as mentioned a bad feeling, he would remind me that it was not permitted and then would change the situation with immediate effect. Unless of course I could change the feeling myself. If I felt bad enough that I had caused him inconvenience, I was of course able to alter my feeling.

I can see how this serves a valuable purpose.

I also see how easy I developed a devotion and love for Senor to begin with but more wholesomely with my Master. He takes care of me and is loving in every decision he makes for me. In return I have developed love and respect.

Mainly with sexual requirements - I am to be available at all times and when I remind myself f this or am reminded I am instantly aroused anyway. The arousal has developed through a sort of conditioning I think. This I will not go into detail about but suffice to say I undertake the requirements of me, which become an arousal. The simply to be reminded I am open and available. My Master is masterful at ensuring I am very satisfied when taking my availability to him. And so I feel even more conditioned and my willingness to be available is complete.

Where I am today?
Well I love to be my Master's slave. We are however, more than slave and Master. I know at all times I am my Master's slave but I forget as I am learning. My own everyday insecurities and inadequacies for example have been triggered as a result of how my Master is. And forgetting my position as well as us negotiating how we are in our relationship has resulted in me forgetting how to be. Negotiating, disagreeing etc.
I have had bed feelings. Thankfully my Master is patient and tolerant with me and probably because he also loves me.
I am very thankful to my Master for the way he is with me whilst he is teaching me to be his slave.

Of course this is only one element of me so I hope to try and gain some clarity about all of this as I continue to write to you here.
Bliss
x

Sit back and enjoy the ride .......................

Stop thinking that you have to make it happen Bliss and let it happen ......



That you have to be better, and be yourself

That I've ever judged you and be free

The Universe



I like this reading - powerlessness and acceptance of it means I can let go and relax.

So long as I have put my action in ......

If and when I can take this on board, I feel so calm and free and peaceful.

I had a sense of this briefly this morning - just let everyone be as they are and be myself too - generally I have quite a happy disposition. Not thought when I am trying tos econd guess what everyone esle is thinking. Oh no! Then I am in turmoil and usually very negative. I get paranoid and everyone is against me.

Oh my gosh! I think it's flipping well hormonally magnified too. At times these last few days my thoughts have been pure lunacy - people telling me lies, or at least hiding the truth from me. Not really likeing me at all. Any nice behaviour is actually just a cover for all the shitty stuff being done behind my back. Gosh it must be a nightmare at times trying to be my friend.

I saw E the other morning. She said she had a sore throat and was feeling generally grotty. She was less than friendly towards me. I have spent the last 3 days trying to work out exactly what I have done wrong that has annoyed her so much with me. I have replayed recent weeks of conversations. Almost verbatim. Do you do that? And how bloody self centred!!!!! Everything is about me.

And then I thought I had upset M. I had written on Skype that I thought she was grumpy and then thought she had seen it. Not only that I thought she was judging me on an issue of behaviour that we have differing opinions about.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr I am mental

Gosh I just heard my friend in such pain. I am so so scared of being hurt. I feel real love for JH. I hate my insecurity and paranoia and am working on this within myself.

I am putting trust in him because he says I can. I like him so much and love him so much.

But as my feelings are intensifying I am becoming more afraid of being hurt. It's so sad.

I do not want my fear or my insecurity to stand in the way of my love for him or stop him from being able to love me.

I truly enjoy all that is rich about the way I see we are together. If I can keep things in today, then everything that has been in this day with JH has been lovely. I could do with more just because I like the interactions and communication between us. I like how I feel.

As soon as I think beyond this moment and into tomorrow - argghhh - the projection can be annoying.

So in today - i feel fondness and love. I smile with the funny things that pass between us, the silliness at time, the hours and hours of talking about things. Our thoughts around elements of our relationship (think we certainly analyse a lot and maybe this is not so healthy - I don't know, any thoughts??)

I am so so looking forward to being with JH on Saturday evening.
So the Universe' message is so appropriate. I am in a beautiful relationship with JH. I so enjoy it. I love the feeling that comes with loving and being loved. Enjoy - stop trying to make things happen and be myself just as I am. I am enough!!!
The groups and 1:1's today seemed easier. The migraine symptoms are mainly easing. There have been a few moments when I have felt clumsy and not seem things clearly. And of course the tracking of what is being said and the meaning has the eluded me.
I feel so sad for one client who just cannot see beyond her self-berating. I truly think she needs some long term help. She has a lot to come to terms with. Sometimes there is a client that really touched my heart and she is one of them. Dual diagnosis - so horrid to see the confusion brough on my MD.

Anyway there was some good work in group. Enjoyed the Step One lecture I gave. he he - so long as I enjoyed it as P would say then that's all that matters!!! Ha ha hahahahah

Pah, I have eaten too much this evening - feeling fat! Grrrrrr

OK now I am either going to watch a film OR go back n SL. SL isn't that inspiring this evening - actually I have not bothered to explore places really. Catching up with a few of the characters I met.
And that's it. It is very different now that I am consciously not being flirtatious with or without any motives.
I did think that trust takes time, and faith grows with consistency. So in reality, like my very very wonderful friends, the trust in them and the faith has grown over all the time I have met them. I also grown to like and love them. Some people have fallen off my bandwagon as they did not live up to the person they presented. That's the way of things I guess and how we learn to put boundaries down and still the other person is about and even close.

I have been getting a little confused. M spoke about the amount of time JH and I are speaking. I mentioned it to E too. Both thought it a lot but neither are judging outwardly. I said something to JH about me thinking we were talking a lot. Actually I am loving it and so said this because in my nutty hormonal madness i thought i should to appease them. Grrr at me. I am not keeping things very clear. Jeez hormones are a bloody nuisance when they do this ort of thing. Not a great natural evolving system. Hormones are clearly necessary but have not evolved without curses. They should have developed a way of functioning without messing up other things like my sanity he he he he he.
At least I have some clarity now of what is being said and patterns that I can pick out. I am best in group after about the second week and the clients are starting to move forward slowly. I am not so good and become quite controlling whilst they are in the first 2 weeks. I am not good with the chaos and then don;t like my controlling behaviour. Never like it when I emerge as controlling. Something is very wrong as my usually other unhealthy mode of operandi would be to be completely passive.
Learning there is in betweenie land.
Want to tell JH that my reason for talking about time talking is not because i think anything is wrong.

I hope he makes contact with me this evening after his time out and about. I love him and miss him. Everyone is also saying that it is not easy to have a long distance relationship. Well I know for one thing I want to be with him more and more.
Gosh it's weird thinking he might read this.
Not only my slushy stuff but also my appalling English - lack of colour and creation with my words. I would like a more extensive vocabulary but I don't do anything to help with this. I need to read more I think.

Friends Galore and a few more

There's never just one right answer Bliss,

And there's never just one right question

the Universe


I like this - fluidity.
Yuch! More feebleness. I went to the GP today. Oh my G. She had to examine me. The loss of any dignity at the hands of this woman who simply treats the body as something of medical interest. I commented on how I could not do her work and at that point we entered into conversation about how she is fascinated. Yuch.
And so as a result I have now to attend another more specialised examination - grrrrrr.
It seems that the days of going to the doc and being sent away are over. Now every visit results in something else. Maybe I am making a fuss. To be honest it was not me that thought I should go. I made the appointment and went because others were more concerned than I was. Well it seems there is more to investigate.
THEN .... as if I didn't put myself through enough I called Dr D the head doc - from one end to the other. He said the MRI results were good - no lesions or signs of any damage. So it told him about yesterday and the symptoms of disassociation. He mentioned a word I do not want to even repeat beginning with e. I am certain this is migraine but they seem to be looking for other things. It's the fact I rarely get a piercing headache just a sort of vision problem where there is an impression of not seeing everything. And words, even though I know them. don't seem to string together or make sense. I have felt nauseous too. All symptoms of migraine. He now will be suggesting I see a "higher" level consultant. Grrrrrrrrrr. Dr D asked me if when I hear the words do I think I hear them - ha ha ha - I think he was ewdging towards locking me up and getting rid of the problem for him all together. We all know I am insane but I don't hear voices - the invisible people talk a lot of sense I think!!!!!!!
I want it all to stop and just return to happy, healthy me!
Oh and then JB got very upset worrying about me. Gosh he really was very concerned. I joked about him being the lucky one because if I am losing the plot I won;t remember that he is ill nad he can't keep telling me as if its the first time and get it off his chest on a daily basis.
Ha! He was too upset to see the funny side fully I think. I was touched at how concerned he is and how much I matter to him. I am so lucky to have the friendships that I have. And I keep seeing how many I have. I always think it's limited to one or two but actually there are quite a lot of people who offer me real big friendship.
JH, M and E and A - JB, A and G, R, mmmm is that it? Surely not. Oh yes K, H and little h, R, K,
S, mmmm well that's it for the moment. There are more I am sure he he he he. Oh P at some level.
Hope anyone reading this doesn't realise their intial is missing................
I have studied today - not as much as I need to. However, I am interested and "getting" it. I just need to write the essay now. I will try to write some each evening so that it is done for Friday.
I so know I will not do it but have to. It is not going to be my best price of work yet again but I do weant to submit something to increase my average mark to at least a pass. I am disappointed with my efforts this year. At the same time I want to try and give myself a break. Apart from being more enthusiastiv about my love for JH and being with him albeit via the ether - I am also working full time which I was not doing last year. Not only is itfull time but extra hours to boot. Lots of extra hours and a very long journey - which is becoming increasingly difficult to sustain. Cost of petrol for one thing but also my tiredness after a demanding day.
I would like a job closer to home but equally as rewarding and within positive working environment too. I will write this as if writing to the Universe too. Hello Universe - more local job, reasonable hours and a decent remuneration, opportunity for training and a good working environment with fully supportive meanagement and a good team. Regular clientele and reliable income is important too. Some stability and appreciation for dependable and consistent input.
I would be really interested in the opportunity to expand my own knowledge in my work and equine therapy is one area I am keen to explore amongst other qualifications and growth through experience.
Mmmm I am sure I can add to the list - not quite sure how to satrt my part in this action but at least making a start by asking you Universe for things that are coming to mind instantly. Always wary what I am asking for incase I get it without having covered every aspect tee hee. I know you Universe and your sense of humour.
Anyway I am listening too for your ideas and all the routes that you might send the messages.
I haven't really written about JH. Reason - he might be reading about himself!!!!
I have already modified my earlier posts because I didn;t think it was appropriate reading. This is aplace for me to write very very frankly indeed. I am very happy for him to be aware of this blog. I am not sure how healthy it is for me to write everything.
Things that I will write about - my destructive insecurity and how it manifests. I find it so so ugly.
Well the incredible feelings deep inside of me - these are surely spiritual. They are augmenting as the intimacy I have with JH deepens. Honesty and openness. I get scared too. I will write about that
There is much to write about this relationship. I have much to share with you
Love Bliss

Feebility????????

M is back! It's lovely to have her here.

I felt ill this morning. A really odd sensation. As if I am not connected to my brain. Sensory information is being taken in and even seems famiiar but it is not making sense. This surely is migraine. My vision seems impaired and words seem not to make sense. It's a sort of dissociation. It scares me that I might stay in that state and never associate or reconnect properly again. What a horrid state to be left in. I do not relish the idea of being stuck in my body. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly had a really profound effect on me - and the recent news item I heard of a man also in the locked in syndrome. How absolutely terrifying like being buried alive too.

I had to take myself to bed. I slept apparently for about 45 minutes. It made me laugh too because J had called and M spoke to him. Then E called and M spoke to her too. M has been in contact with y friends more than I have today.

I did gradually come together through the day (I am now writing this on Monday - thefollowing day).
I just felt feeble and feel so ashamed of feeling ill and showing my weakness. Grrrr.

This crazy thing called LOVE

Be Still Bliss
Stop thinking
Feel
Take action
Visualise
Repeat
Yours, The Universe

I like this - I have heard it before in various forms so when the Universe sent it to me this morning, it centred me. It felt warm and loving and gentle.
I have faith in this. After all I have written to the Universe now on several occasions and then the action has become apparent. Nothing happens without action on my part. The visualisation I used to think was me being greedy or wishful thinking and to be more realistic. But in visualising now it seems to bring to life - it's different from fantasy.
I have lived with fantasy since a little girl. I had perfect parents and the perfect family in which I wasn't the only child. I had a big brother who protected me. And everyone was happy all of the time. I did everything right. It was perfect - hazy, sunny days with smiles and happiness.
I had to have that it seems as living the reality was not easy for me. Fantasy though has brought with it difficulty in adulthood. Nothing could ever live up to expectation. Reality was always so horrid compared to fantasy. This meant constantly moving as soon as reality started not to match up - and of course it had never matched up. Exhausting always being on the move.
But to visualise - well it helps to see the general direction - an overview. Sometimes it can even reveal some pitfalls (so long as that doesn't become the reason why not to pursue it). Visualising can also reveal the steps to take although think I see those currently in hindsight. Actually, I might think they are pitfalls along the way and realise on meeting my realised visualisation that actually it was all perfect in its imperfect way. Of course that's whilst things are going well.
Oh yes when things are tough - gosh do I get stuck in the quagmire of emotions. It can feel like it's sucking me in, like a whirlpool. I am struggling against it, fighting to breathe every time I come up for air. Silly thing is I have heard time and again to relax, lie back and observe. And just yesterday I heard how a man survived what appeared to be certain death when being suck down by a current. He waved to his wife on the beach signalling his surrender and preparation for death. At that point of surrender he relaxed on his back in the sea. The sea that was trying to take him suddenly saved his life. He was thrown onto the rocks and badly lacerated, but saved from death nonetheless. Zut alors! if only I could apply this when life seems to be sucking me to death.
Well I am working towards this. I get closer to being an observer of self. It takes days sometimes long, painful days and extreme reactions that amount to what I consider horrid reactions and behaviour. However, with some time I can observe me. I wonder if there is a day when I can observe as it's happening. You know what? I think this does happen. Yes it really does.
For example, I can identify emotions that to me seem positive. I can stop and acknowledge how I am feeling and therefore observe how i respond to this feeling. I think there are time when I can even do this with emotions I find less appealing. I notice how I get frustrated when clients, for example, are late for group. I see my frustration and how that could easily slip out onto the clients. I feel snappy and intolerant inside. I have to notice this and be able to step aside from myself. I can then express this in a therapeutic manner. To let people know how I am feeling and how that might manifest in me, in turn potentially creating awkwardness in the ongoing liaison.
BY doing this it often then enables them to look at what their own motives are. It creates self awarenesss, creating choices.
Zoots! If only it were that easy to do all the time. Emotions can swamp me, just like the current trapped the man. And then it pulls me down into it, even when I am fighting it, it is so much more powerful than I am until I start to accept it and look at it differently. As JH told me about his look at pain. Taking it out, having a real good look at it. Bring the emotion into my hand. Hold it up to the light and have a look through it and see it from different angles too. Yes yes yes - I would like to get to this point at some point - with all emotions and actions. Self understanding and exploration. How exciting an adventure. Seeing me in the moment of every situation I am in, interacting with people, events.


I feel very vulnerable writing this blog. People reading it, well it means that they have another look into me - into me you see - intimacy.
And I am shy and feel somewhat ashamed for being the person I am - how sad that the message I have picked up along the way is that it is not OK to be me.
Today I feel elation. I feel love, I feel loved and I feel in love.
With this I am grateful to have this experience. Don't get me wrong I have felt love before - and I have felt it in different ways with different individuals.

So anyway I am in love. I find it really difficult to find words to really define what this means. It is beyond words, well my words at this time. I like JH very much, what I know of him. I love him for the him he is. Just like I love L and M and A for the way they are. We have common principles and values it seems in many areas and ethically or morally similar. I am not sure if there is a real difference between ethics and morals but throw them both in there just in case.
Anyway, back to my favourite subject right now. JH
Mmm, it suddenly became interesting choosing a colour to represent JH then. The colour seems wrong somehow. It is more JH ..... mmmm is that right?
Well lets go with that for a while and see. Much more centred and grounded colour which feels right but somehow is not incorporating the high spiritual sense. Perhaps it is JH
Somehow it seems wrong to have two colours as well. Mmmmm this feels good.
So JH.
I wrote to the Universe asking to meet someone. I stopped thinking. I felt. I put some action in I visualised (without fantasy) then this led to more action even though I didn't realise fully I was putting action in. And then we met.
At first in writing. The very first written words aroused something in me. The location did concern me but certainly something was aroused in me and I can still feel that feeling in me. I will try to describe it.
There was a real sense of calm and simplicity. Within that was a feel of excitement no more than that enthrallment. Is that even a word??? Enthralled.
From just a few words - well 5 months later I am in love. I feel a passion within my soul and my spirit is filled with sparkles.
Colour change required - mmmm yes this is possible.

I need to go and study and have come to a point where I don't know how to describe what it is that is within me. It is precious and to be treasured. That I know.
Life experiences creep in and bring fear. However, if I remain in the current, this is nothing but beautiful. Even the difficulties are beautiful in hindsight.
"Suddenly I am in love with everything" The rhythm of this line is the rhythm I feel with the Universe right at this time. Badly Drawn Boy is the creator of the words that create the rhythm
I can also feel.
I would like a future with JH. I am not sure what this looks like. I am visualising. I was thinking too much so trying to practice what the Universe has reminded me so well is pointless. I will write to the Universe with my thoughts and I have a visualisation that makes little sense right now but looks lovely. So my starting action is to write to U.

Funny word Universe - uni verse - one part - somehow it implies only one part of many and yet Universe implies infinity and beyond.

Well this is gross avoidance now of studying. I need to wash up - make coffee - walk LouLou and read read read. This evening I am going to a meeting - a long needed meeting. And afterwards I will have coffee with A. lovely. Time with good friends. I have great people in my life. Is it OK to say that I see these people as always being in my life regardless of the twists and turns that make takes us at times into different corners. It seems slushy romance to say that I would like JH in my life forever. But it's one way of describing the love I feel.

Work is draining me right now. I go through phases like this I think and this phase follows a particularly busy time numbers wise and more recently some very public relapsing. Phew its been ugly.
I am quite fraught at work. Wanting things to be different - not going with the flow of others. However, I have been able to be more free flowing with clients who are keeping going so that's indication I am not completely lost. Time off is just what I need. In this job I think I am more needy than ever of regular breaks away. And this flipping studying has not created time away just relaxing. So I am looking forward to my week off next week to be with JH. First and foremost that is the whole reason for taking the holiday. A secondary value is the time away doing other things.

Yum yum.
An earlier message from the Universe to share with you ..........

Please tell anyone who wants to know Bliss, that a dream not followed by consistent action, however humble or small the actions may be, points to either a huge contradiction or massive misunderstanding.
Because when people get clear and realise just how powerful they really are, wild horses can't stop them from taking even the humblest of baby steps, everyday.
tee hee The Universe

I liked this too .....

If your inner voice makes you more generous, courageous and self-honest, then listen to it. If it makes you more Uppish, then ignore it. Joan of Arc you ain't!
Rabbi Lionel Blue said that.

AND
Even under a cloud the human spirit may still stand on tiptoe to touch the stars!


Come out, come out where ever you are and touch the stars with me.
Love from Bliss