Moonlit Flits

Darling Flo, I love you so
Especially in your nightie
When the moonlight flits
Across tits
Jesus Christ almighty

he he he he he he.



I read on another blog these very thoght provoking sentiments ...
"I want to be not only accepted but needed. Not only needed but cherished. Not only cherished but respected. All of me … not just my body … not just for what I represent or provide or satisfy but because someone wants to see who I am … really, really see … See all the parts of me and still wants me as a whole - wants me “as is”. http://www.ladycheeky.com/post/1250918151/like-me-and-guerre-sigh

 A part of my gorwth over these last 9 years has involved me gradually liking me and finding ways to love me. Indeed an element of this in recent months, nearly a year has been to alow myself to enjoy my sexuality. I am learning and discovering my pleasure and have nothing to be ashamed of. I still feel embarrassed to ask Master to touch myself and to request an orgasm. I think he will think I am dirty.

Learning to accept Master and all his personal time is more and more a priority. Second of course to bodily pleasures he requires. As his slave I have no rights amyway. As lovers, I have wanted certainty. Assurances that he will not be dishonest or secretive with me. That I will know everything. But this is not respecting him as he is. Master may wish to have privacy and not tell me all. And here I am asking him to be open and honest with me. This is controlling perhaps. I am not sure. What I am realising is that I can learn to respect him being and doing exactly the person he is. I think this is being a better slave - no? And a better lover too perhaps. And I keep remnding myself if ever something arises that I really cannot tolerate then I have choices. I can ask him to sell me or give me away to another Master.  I will never run away. And as lovers, I can choose to stop even if he refuses to pass me on as his slave.

It is not acceptable anyway for this slave to ask Master to make changes. I have expressed my feelings when finding some behaviour surprising. I know I am not entitled to this as his slave. I am not entitled to demand as his lover but I do have thoughts and feelings to express that all help communicating and to me that is intimacy. And also learning.

I love Master and my lover for the man he is and to do that entirely I need to embrace the way he is.
This means that when pondering about what he might be doing, I need to find some way to get the questioing out of my mind. And for today it is possible for me to accept that all is well. Whatever he is doing he has been in contact, very loving towards me and has said he will summon me later. Tomorrow can bring anything and is another days adventure and growth opportunity.

And after all I had a degree of certainty with SH and look what happened it all went horribly wrong . I ddn't want to be with him anymore and he didn't want to be with me anymore. He didn;t want me to have a life of my own and I didn;t even volunteer to be a slave. I was enslaved without the benefits.

I plan to be with Master for a long time. Just for today as they say.
I have asked Master if he can help my growth through the days when I flip out and act insanely through my insecurity and paranoia. It turns into suspicion and disbelief. I don't know how he can help me with that but he says he will support me. I am so very grateful to Master. He is a wonderful masterly Master.

I do keep getting to this point and then lose it again. Fear creeps up and paranoia sets in and the insecurity just runs away with my calm and serenity.



So thw painting I have attached above by Sir Lawrence Alma Tadema to me represents me living with and amongst Master and his desires. However that might be. Accepting of all.  I love Master. I adore him. I love my lover. I love him. And because of this I wish to learn how to honour him just the way he is.
Universe I need help and strength because these fears in me can be overpowering at times and then the controller in me takes over. Universe please teach me to be acceptant and submit entirely.


LR has sent me and email. She says she would like to train me as her slave and present me to Master at some tme in the future. Within the imagination, this conjures up a very exciting and creative fantasy.  In reality - well ................ Master and I spoke about the differences between creative ideas being so very sexually stimulating but never to be in reality. Being a slave arouses me and being totally without choice arouses me. Master is my love. Being a slave to a Mistress is pure fantastical excitement.
Isn;t that the point of erotica, stimulating the imagination in turn exciting the sexiness. I have even felt jealous when Master has been turned on through fantasy or the way a woman holds a cup or touches her hair. I can also find such simple things absolutely compelling. This feeds my insecurity too that he might abandon me for that womans style. See how insecure I am. Universe please take it away!!
I recall Masters excitement when I explained how LR planned on tieing me and gagging mem Then she will place me under her bed. She would leave me there as she and Master would fuck on the bed and he wouldn;t know I was there. I felt my heart breaking thinking of this in realilty. Master was excited at this scene. Yet the idea also excites me - my utter helplessness and position when Master and a Mistress are powerful together. The complete control of them versus me in my utter slavery.  The  pain of betrayal and reality of my status. Master may not even make me feel better afterwards, Oh more pain!

Can I really leanr to accept and tolerate anything to be able to love my love fully. When as Master he can do anything. Certainly there is a lot to overcome for me within such matter that hold such conflict for me. I need some teaching I think.

This photo is full of emotion. Something is about to happen and all my senses are being excited. He will take her as Master expects me to be available to him at all times. Vulnerable, The softness of the voile, nowehere really to hide.

This photo is sensual to me. I am attracted to the shades and steaminess I sense. Master can see her whenever he wants - her room merely opaque, flimsy voile.
I feel vulnerable, nowhere is my own.





A letter I sent to a power supplier EON, It made me smile at myself and released my fury at the same time. Not written in the best grammar and certainly you can detect my dyslexia I believe. But who cares. I felt like I had had my say. They say .... they will get back to me within 5 days (on an automatic response email - pah!). I think if I had spoken to them I would have been holpping ad shouting and demanding but getting nowhere. In turn my fury who have been increasing ....

it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Macbeth Quote (Act V, Scene V).



I wish to express how infuriated I get just receiving a standardised letter from EON. It will pass but always quicker by venting my frustration.


OK - I ahve one issue and as a result a request that I was just going to leave.
My issue is that today I have received a letter saying that you need to increase my Direct Debit to you. Well This is unsastisfactory as you currently OWE ME MONEY! Please return the money you owe me immediately and then I will consider the increase in Direct Debit. You have had my money now for several months so assume that you will also return it with interest???? That would be damned well pleasing!
Please do something reasonable that leaves me feeling less angry at your selfishness and what looks like pure greed for more more more.
I have appreciated over the last couple of years a service. No hassle but I had to fight for that the last tme you tried getting greedy and unreasonable with me. Now I have to do it again. This is not what I call service but sadly everyone does it so it seems everyone will. You know what I received amazing service levels from Apple recently - I think there are models occasionally of what is good service and perhaps there would be less hassle. or maybe we have to have bad service to be able to appreciate good - damn!
The next part of my email to you is a request from you to take a look at my charges. I recently received from you, details of my change of account. Or rather a reduction in the discounts you are now giving.
Well based on my actual useage and not your guestimates would you have one of your experts take a look and see if there is a plan that would reduce my costs please? Now I feel like begging when really as a customer I am perfectly entitled to ask you to assess the best deal for me and what I hope for is fairness.
My experience of services in the UK is not fairness and I guess that means I have to read every bit of small print to make sure you dont rip me off.
What a society of take, take, take we live in. Pity as I meet some wonderful, wonderful situations of sharing too. Must hold onto that.
Well I have had my say. Its a mix of venting but also request of action from you people.
Please can someone respond and I live in hope of it being a provision of service and fairness. Not all in your favour for a change?
I look forward to someone calling me. I promise to work on remaining calm and very aware its not the individuals fault. Whoever calls you work in a very difficult job. Hope you get paid fairly for the task you take on.
I am a nice person and a lot less hot tempered now.
Thanks for at least having this means of me venting before having to try and sort out the issue at hand.


Bliss

Invisible Friends

The reason old souls enjoy spending time alone, Bliss, is because they never really are.
Much love from your invisible friends,
The Universe

I would love to be better able to sit with my own company and contemplate or meditate in calm and peace. I crave connection with people. Hence I think it was so easy to get absorbed into SL. I never ever had to be alone and sit with a single difficult feeling again.
I was learning as I went along but I am yet to get to a point when I am able to balance being out in the world with quiet in the Universe. I work towards that I think.

Slave training. Straps and ropes.

Master requires me to stroke myself each time I go for a pee. I  described to him this morning what I actually do. I had not asked his permission but had evolved his original instruction. He said I must stroke myself from my arsehole slowly through my slit each time I go. And I must drink water with each cup of coffee I take.

At work it is usually quite rushed but as I am home it was once again very slow.

After peeing I am not to clean myself. I wet my two fingers in my mouth first and then run my fingers very slowly from my arsehole moving so slowly forward. I imagine looking up at Master into his eyes as he looks down on me. This is renders me very vulnerable. Both that I am doing this voluntarily and it leaves me most exposed in this very private act. As I move my fingers forward slowly sometimes a finger slips into the opening of my pussy and I can feel just how wet I am aroused now by the very thought of going for a pee.

I move slowly onto my very erect clit and as my fingers move over my clit it flicks back into place. I cannot help but close my eyes with the sensation at this point.

As I write this I can feel the arousal in my nipples, they are aching with their erection and my clit and pussy are sensitive to every move as I sit here in the chair.

Drinking water was almost a torture as I drink little usually but it is becoming a pleasurable discomfort and going to the toilet is now an instant reflex arousal.

Master wants to watch me. Today he asked for a photo. Despite my problem with photo's - just lack of self esteem I sent him one.

his slave is very much at the forefront of my being right now. I do wonder if it's when Master is more dominant and Masterly generally and I am to be available at all times to meet his needs. Sometimes though I wonder if the slave is more prominent in me and this then arouses Master. Maybe it just alters between us.

Oh my pussy and clit are aching.

I feel embarrassed to be writing this but have committed to recording my experiences. I have years of handwritten journals for reading someday. And now this - which opens up the opportunity for an audience.

Tomorrow I must study more. It is so distracting to be sensual and sexual. Mmmmm mmmmm.

Bliss

Scribblers in Darth Vaders Room- Shibari

By the way, dear Bliss, the world doesn't need fixing.
Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.
Tallyho,
The Universe

Everything is just how it's meant to be. Man I don't want to feel painful emotions. Man! Something was seeming amiss. Just the slightest of change and  I can feel it in the air. The problem is distinguishing thereafter my sensitivity and my imagination.

Last evening MAster and I were discussing me as his slave and him as my Master. We spoke of bondage and he referred again to Japanese bondage. It has a name - Shibari I think.
Gosh as we discussed it I felt my arousal. It was a gentle and almost deep and subtle arousal. Somewhere within me not right at the nerve endings in my clit or my pussy. It was deeper. They way we were discussing this. Very relaxed and openly. As I was listening to Master alert to his seeming knowledge of such things. I don;t know if it's personal experience but how fascinating that he has such awareness of these things and brings them to my door.
As he spoke about his desire for me to be bound, I felt his power. He aske dme how I think it would feel. His question then took me into attempting to put myself in this situation. The cold handcuffs on my wrist. I imagined feeling them. The metal on my skin and pressing against the bones in my wrists. I imagined but didn't clarify that I would be cuffed with my hands behind me. I imagined also that I would be naked. I also wondered if he would cuff my ankles too. I didn't ask all this things. Just listened to him and developed these pictures in my mind and tried to imagine how it would feel. I thought about how my arms would ache after a time and then spoke to Master about realising that he would have complete power. He might cuff me and then just leave me and he added yes - it could be for hours. Then he said how he might blindfold me and I wouldn;t know what he was doing and after a slight evocative pause added it might not even be him. Gosh I could feel my submissive self. I don't how to describe that. It's not as if the slave in me disappears now ever but does become quieter submissive to my own controlling daily lifestyle. But with a certain atmoshpere, Master immediately takes control.
I said to Master I realise that he could do anything. Leave me for hours or use my body however he wished. I then thought about the different feelings. I am sure if left for hours with nothing I would become furious and he would still have control. I have no idea how that would be.
I also was aware that the more I share with him the more he gets to know me and takes greater ownership over me. Just writing all of this awakens the sexual response in me. I can be controlled entirely through this very powerful human (and animal) instinct.
I am pleased Master allows me to exist in different ways. He does not try to deaden my mind. But I can see how it s possible to just own me. Totally.

This picture above. Well Master spoek about Japanese bondage and how he wondered how it must feel. Not for himself but how it would feel for me to be in these ropes. Yes I then wondered too. I could imagine the feeling of the ropes all over my body. I have seen photos were the rope passes throught the slit and the Master can then pull on the rope. I can imagine the mix of pain and pleasure. Wow how arousing is that? And how my breasts could be shaped and moulded by the ropes and knots. Again rendered helpless and possible to place legs and arms and body parts in shapes and positions totally within Masters desire.

Again this is all imagination and the arousal creates the desire for this to actually happen. The power Master executes over my imagination. He is so visionary and brings this to my consciousness. I love the experience of consciousness and how cleverly it is combined with bodily desires. Master is a master at this. I wonder if he knows and if it's intentional or if this is actually a discovery by accident with someone like me.
It is a wonder that this slave has met Master. It seems to work perfectly for this slave.


What I consider on a daily basis is how this slave and how I my lovers lover can combine to enjoy both to the fullest. There does seem to be some confliction. I spoke to Shaga and she said she never forgets that the other exists when she is currently more slave or more lover. HOW??????????????

More to write - am revising and avoiding. Exam on Tuesday.SHIT!!!!


I still wish to continue my thoughts on friendship, love, trust, dependability versus Master having women rather than just me. It really doesn't work for me in a lover relationship/ But as Master said last night the imaginary situation is very very arousing. Maybe it's enough to just masticate over imaginary scenarios. I am always then ready for sex. Phew!

Bliss


There must be a bug in the system, Bliss, because according to my records, you've never been told exactly how powerful you are.
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very to the ten zenbillion.
K?
The Universe
 
This slave recognises the power of being in the control of Master. Mmmmmmmm

Darth Vader in the scribbling room

Bliss, I can't even remember the last time I was this excited for you over all that you're on the verge of doing, being, and having.
Just sayin' -
The Universe
 
The tendency to settle upon a cursed how, Bliss, as a means to achieve a particular goal, is simply a sign that you've momentarily forgotten how unlimited, creative, and powerful I am, and that I tirelessly conspire on your behalf when you leave me every option.
Let me loose,
The Universe
 
If you knew what I now know, Bliss, you wouldn't be in such a hurry.
Not just because you have countless worlds to look forward to, but because the world you're now on was once one of them.
Tallyho,
The Universe
 
Bliss, do you know why I am always there?
Because I want you to have all of those things you've told me about, and so much more.
Let's kick some "butt,"
The Universe
 
I told you, Bliss, there'd be days, even weeks, like this...
Absolutely perfect in every single way, with all things as they should be, where they should be, enfolding you in love.
I just didn't tell you they'd all be like this, Bliss, because some things you just have to experience to believe.
Whoop!
The Universe

Warning! May Contain Nuts. John Porter I think his name is put ona show in Brighton. A poetry event as a result of working within the field of mental health. M was reading some of her poems. I am so pleased for her. For doing it. Getting up on stage to a full house and performig her poems. She did well. I met as well a person she had met called V. She wants to work with women and children trying to prevent them slipping into a lfestyle that I was looking with P to provide a living environment now they were recovering from the lifestyle that had been crippling them.
I liked our idea and at one point it nearly was more than an idea. Called Sankofa - it was potentially a sanctuary. We even had an accountant look at the starts of our business plan.
I do not want that idea to fade away. I cannot use the name Sankofa as that is P's although I love it. An African word and with a symbol too - it was perfect.





The Sankofa bird reaches back to reclaim what is rightfully hers - what a perfect sentiment for the project we were creating.
A living unit for women abd the chance to be reunited witht heir children. Living within a comunity environment with facilities to engage with vocational training and and an onsite daily therapy.
The therapy to include all sorts of creative opportunities.
I have a strong image of this. V said she would introduce me to a woman she is speaking to in her own attempts to get her ideas coming to life. So who knows if I start talking about it again Sankofa will cone back to life.

Oops I need to go off and get ready for work.



When talking with Master (my love JH) on an abstract level, I can see how possible it would be for him to have a number of different women. He likes women. The thing is I wish to be the only one as his lover. As his slave I have no choice but would also of course prefer to be the only one.
What is this about? This need to be the only one. I think if I were Master I would teach me how to let go of this need of contol by putting  in the position. Yuch!
Somewhat I am trying to learn from the actual situation. My love and Master maintains his friendship with his ex girlfriend. I have to learn how to manage my feelings. When I really look into them I am not sure if it is jealousy. I wouldn;t know how to really determine what jealousy actually is. What I feel is fear of loss. Fear that Master will leave me for someone better. That actually I am not really good enough or enough for him and so actually he is on the look out for another. Then he will abandon me.
What I am trying to explore is that I am enough simply as me. But that I am not ALL. And that like I would have several friends all with differnt qualities then perhaps Master wishes to have several slaves. of course what I would oike is to learn tobe a very good slave. I would like to learn how to be very sensual and sexual to be able to please Master. And to behave exactly as Master would wish and anticipate his desires. In this way he would be pleasantly surprised and therefore pleased with my forethought and attentiveness towards him. This require my selflessness. But I also want to maintain my individuality so that I remain interesting and growing in my uniqueness.
I truly wish to learn to let go of this need to be the only one and therefore Master would have the space that he has told me he needs.
In an abstract way I do find the concept of being one of many interestingly arousing. But what I picture is that we should be together and there to be a relationship between all of us and Master encouraging us to share our knowledge and improve each other. I imagine thought the downside would be secrecy and hierarchy and competition. A good Master would surely be able to manage this. I would like to be selfless and be able to teach well anythng I have to bring to the Masters other slaves or women. And be taught by Master how to be above jealousy and possessiveness.
Of course there is also my arousal of the intimacy between us slaves all being together. Comfort for each other too.
So perhaps in this M/s relationship that is also lovers and the way in which my lover is with women is somehwat towards this learning. I am insecure. And I dislike this. Furthermore I have an imagination that can take a seed of information and turn that into a novel. Then there is my intuition. I believe more and more that I am very astute to my surroundings and the people in it. Of course I do not for a minute claim to know what is actually going on but I am very aware of changes in mood and the very slightest differences in behaviours or attitudes. And this is real - I know it! What I don;t know is what is behind the change and ask questions. Sometimes when I get answers it raises more questions as there seems to be missing information and links. Of course in my job it is actually my job to keep exploring to fcilitate increased self awareness.
In my relationship as lover it is not and my questions then are about understanding for myself. But I think I am then too nosy. This monring with Master, my love we mentioned questioning. I agree with Master that there is a differnce. When there is questioning with an agenda (quest, inquisition, intrigue) - then this is not good in a relationship. I do think questioning to get to understand properly is communication - curiosity and interest.
The more I understand Master the better I can please him. But if I question to try and find things out about him somehow that is different and also not open. Suspicion.
Mmm
I have more to write but need to get ready for work
I will continue
Bliss

Traps tricks and strategies

Life doesn't give folks a break. Nor does it test you. Nor is there any such thing as good luck, fate, or destiny.
On the other hand, Bliss, your thoughts become things. Which pretty much means you get to rule your world.
Better than winning the lottery,
The Universe

I am drained after a day at work where emotions were strong and a lot of good therpay seemed to be taking place. I am witnessing so much hope and willingness to make changes towards a better way of being. It makes my heart sing.
I loved the laughter and flirty payfulness with SH. This helped re-centre me after a completely manic evening yesterday. Ah! I loathe my paranoia and how I start to question my trust in my love. Master asked me how it would be if he told me to stop thinking. He has said before now he does not want me to lose being me. I think there is possibly some gain to be told not to think when I start to question. But this would mean my lover standing aside to be putrely controlled by Master. This is where the two seem to merge with complications for me. I do not understand how to seperate them or when the benefits of one outweigh the other without losing the other.
Guidance pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Master/my love had read my blog and was particularly interested that I had wanted to ask him if I could touch myself. He reminded me that I could ask him and remarked I think on how he liked his ownership of me in this way. I told him how much I loved that he owns me entirely. I am his possession. I feel very priviledged that he loves me and we are lovers too.
I do find it difficult not to touch myself. I can feel my arousal and I want to stroke msyelf and feel my wetness. There were times before when I did touch myself but I felt that I betrayed Master so dreadfully. I touched his posession without his permission. Sometimes I ache with such desire to touch. When Master pauses when I ask to touch myself I hold my breath in anticipation. He usually, no I think he alwways says yes. It is an incredible gift when Master/my love gives me the delight of touching myself. When he gives me my orgasm - well I am so so grateful to him.
I feel complete by being owned and controlled in such simple ways. I had not realised how much I touch myself until the ability to touch at will has been removed.
And then to be required to stroke myself each time I go to the toilet. Sometimes I do it in a hurry because I am busy and it seems almost a nuisance. But once Master talks about it again then it becomes something to feel aroused for. ONce again it is the utter loss of power over my own body and that  can do something that might please Master/my love.
He said tonight that he wanted to see me touch myself and then proceeded to tell me how to. He told me to start and stop as I reached orgasm and then to start again until when I asked yet again if I could orgasm he sai I could cum for him. Oh my gosh, my orgasm was powerful. I was very very thankful to him. I love him so much for taking the time to watch me and tell me what I must do and what he requires of me. I like that I please him.
Master and I talked about how he owns all rights over my body. I felt so incredibly aroused in my awareness of this. Master seems always very cool and calm about this fact. I think he is pleased at this and my availability whenever he so wishes.
We had spent some more time looking at some erotic and provocative photos. This photographer was not quite as inspiring for me. Craig Morey is very very good at providing a full story with very simple outlines.
I am absolutely absorbed by this photo .........
 


As before I am encaptured by the stillness as she very gently lifts the lace to fully expose her beautiful breasts. I feel like this photo when Master/my love asked me to show him my breats and when he took a photo of my breasts.
From this picture I sense the pleasure in revelaing herself even when she was already visible beforehand. Nothing is private.
The look on her face is very sexy. I love too the way the lace drapes and flows over her hands and arms. I love lace.
I am tired. I think I will try and write more about my experiences with GH. Perhaps some of it is already written but the trauma remains. But not tonight.
Now I need to sleep. Master/my love drifting into a deep sleep I expect.

Bliss

ps My first Master liked me to walk on all fours naked. Master/my love has remarked on seeing me on all fours, my breasts hanging and my arse in the air. It feels very exposing and an unknowing of what is happening behind me. It takes all my humaness away from me, level with my dog. More control over me - more power taken from me

Pity Pot and Sorry Dom

Self pity and sorrow

Visualize, show up, happy dance.

Bliss, you can do this.

Dip,

The Universe

Grrrrrrrr I have been FEELING so rageful and destructive this evening. I am not sure when it started but I drove home obsessing about not knowing if my love is truthful with me. It is nothing of course to do with him but my inability this evening to let go. As his slave it's none of my business anyway. I forget that I am his slave as well when I start the obsessing.
The rage in me is burning. Or I am crying, raising black memories from mys childhood.
And then I was remembering when GW beat me black and blue. He was really encouraging me then to take an interest in the SM group he belonged to.
Ah a long long story. The reality was it was damned horrid and I was completely powerless each time and yet of course I kept allowing him back somehow. His beatings were at least attention.
He used my horse riding whip to draw blood and he smacked my pussy so hard!
And then he strangled me. As much as I was terrified I could not fight off the sensations this strangulation brought on. I feel so ashamed saying that as I was not in control at all.
And then of course in my vulnerability he had control of me - I was in total fear of him, yet waiting for his contact to know that I hadn't upset him.




Master and my love has been introducing me to erotic art or pornography . I have for a long time found erotic art very tantalising on many levels. This evening we were looking at Morey. Wow his work is so enticing and /my love/Masters knowledge of art brings it even more to life than my own attraction to the images.
Mainly I envisage myself in the place of these women.
This slaves stillness captured me. The way she looks down, demure and very humble. I imagine she has been told to avert her eyes. Her stunning shape sculpted by her bondage.
God I am aroused now - sexualising the rage I have been feeling - at last a release!

Nothing else to write today. Too much buzzing around my head. I am sure it would be better to write but instead  am going to lie down and sense my arousal. I cannot touch myself without permission from Master (my love). Oh my God I want to - then he will be disappointed but since I have been so destructive and bolshy this evening with him and now he will be sleeping, I do not think I have the courage to ask him.
ooooooooooooo I so want to touch myself - sitting here wriggling with the arousal.

Damn
Bliss!

Scribblers scribbling in the scribblers room

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