Possessed

Scarred

Meeting

Well I met with SH today. Right now I feel so sad. Glad and also sad actually. It was friendly. He made amends to me for his behaviour. I must saying the timing was a little clumsy. There I was meeting and greeting clients arriving at the reunion BBQ and he asked if I had a minute. I should have said not right then. Anyway I listened and we talked for a while. I thanked him graciously accepting his apology. I said that we both had out part to play. He apologised again as if insisting I receive his apology again. It was nice of him. Later we sat next to each other with P as well and ate our BBQ lunch. We chatted and laughed. It was pleasant and very friendly.AT one point someone came and talked to me and it seemed so right to be there. At the same time I am aware that it wasn't so right either. It was a moment of nostalgia really.
I am so relieved that there is the opportunity for things to be friendly between us. I can let go finally.
It is odd though at a time when I am writing out SLAA Step one and observing the patterns of destruction and so on. We had a great time together for so long. But it was also so wrong for so long.
I am so so sad because all this time I can see that the bi-polar has been involved as well as addiction and a lack of worth. No one has ever helped me with the bi=polar and managing the highs or the lows and so there has been havoc wreaked. And no help in being able to sustain relationships that I value. No one has understood and not loved enough to stick with me. Or me with them. Even my parents just thought I was bad and useless. I feel so so sad about this. I wonder if it truly is worth any future. Odd, serious thoughts really.
I am taking the meds but feel really as if it's time to give up.

Plath

The BBQ went off so well. I am delighted for P. So many people and so many thanks especially and directed to him. He is a remarkable man!

I flitted and chatted amongst as many people as I could get to. There were a couple of people that I was concerned about. It was lovely to see people getting well and getting a life that they wanted. One lady came over to me saying that she had thought I gave her a hard time at times and yet realises now just how much loving and thoughtfulness I was giving her. Wow! She didn't think I would remember her. I remembered her well. I looked around the crowds and reflected on how much of each of their lives they had shared with me. I felt very honoured and pleased that some healing had taken place for them to be able to move on. I can't believe how the years have passed so swiftly.

I will be 10 years clean very soon. It is amazing really as it isn't what I signed up for. It's been a wiggly wobbly journey with many experiences and adventures. I feel tired of the painful emotion though. I miss my mum today. SH was there when she dies and that came back so strongly. I miss her so so much. An incredible woman!

Bliss

XX

My little cousin creating

It’s been this way since we were young…  (Where We Land - Ed Sheeran)

           

Hermione walked out of the door looking very pleased with herself. Harry knew he would have to face her results eventually.

“What did you get then?” he said half-heartedly. Hermione’s face beamed with happiness.

“Well I don’t mean to gloat, but I got all O’s” Ron’s mouth dropped open.

“How did you manage to get Outstanding in everything?”

“Well unlike you Ronald, I studied!” she said spitefully. Ron just rolled his eyes. He wasn’t happy with getting two Acceptables, 3 Poors and one Dreadful. He couldn’t wait to get home and tell his mum. Harry on the other hand, had done slightly better. At least he had got an E –Exceeds Expectations- in potions! And he had had Professor Snape that year.

            Draco stared down at the parchment that held the answers to his future. As he untied the green satin ribbon he was expecting to see how badly he had done. The first subject on the scroll was Potions with Professor S. Snape. As Draco carefully moved his eyes to the end of the line he was shocked to see he had received an O. Internally he cheered. He didn’t really care much for the rest of his results but he noticed how he had received a mixture of O’s, E’s and A’s. With a smug look over to a depressed Weasley he couldn’t help but notice how Hermione was so happy with herself. In the spare of the moment he decided to go over and ‘congratulate’ Hermione on her good results.

            “Why the long face Weasely, realised your girlfriend is going to be bringing all the money into this relationship?” Draco sniggered.

“We are NOT going out!” Hermione said in a huff before turning around to congratulate the Patil twins on their results.

“What do you want over here with us Malfoy!? Shouldn’t you be sulking over your failure with all your fellow Slytherins?” Harry looked over to Crabb and Goyle who were looking depressed and standing beside their ripped up result parchments. Draco pulled out his wand to threaten Harry –now that they were allowed to use magic at any moment-

“Actually for your information, my results were probably better than your Quidditch skills!”  Harry gave Draco a dirty glare.

“At least I don’t have to pull my wand out every 5 seconds to protect myself” he muttered. At that moment Professor McGonnagall walked over to congratulate her house.

“Well done students, I hope you are all happy with your results I am proud to say tha-- Mr Malfoy, why are you standing with the Gryffindors? Go back to your house at once!” she spoke in her quiet but stern voice. Draco gave Harry and Ron one final glare before returning to a bunch of moody Slytherins and Professor Snape.

You can’t play on broken strings….  (Broken Strings - James Morrison)      

Draco looked up at the sign above the giant green door. ‘Hogsmede Medical Centre’. He carefully hung the plaque ‘Founder, Draco Malfoy’ by the entrance. With a sigh of relief he opened the door and stepped inside. As he walked towards his new office his assistant Felicity Bell greeted him with a butterbeer and a list of people applicants.

“Thanks Felicity”

“That’s quite alright Mr Malfoy” she replied in her melodic tone. Draco walked into his office and chucked the list onto his desk. He hadn’t even bothered reading the names of the applicants. As he tucked into his butterbeer he placed his feet up on the corner of his desk and relaxed. Several moments later he placed the empty glass down and got straight to work. Ever since leaving school Draco had developed a serious work ethic. He wanted to prove everyone wrong and become a successful business man. He could hear Felicity outside talking with someone who had a very soft tone, a tone he recognised.

“Yes, he is expecting you”

 Draco looked up at the clouded window in his door and saw a silhouette. What looked like very frizzy hair and a slender face. Her body -assuming it was a woman- was very thin also. As the door handle turned Draco was not expecting to see this certain someone standing in his office

___________________________________________________________________________

            “Draco?” Hermione questioned. She was startled to see her former school enemy sitting in the office of which her interview would take place. Draco immediately picked up the list Felicity had given him and saw Hermione’s name right at the top.

“What are you doing here? God help me if you are here for an interview to be a consultant!”

“That’s what your paper says doesn’t it!” Hermione said.

Draco rolled his eyes. What was the mudblood know-it-all doing in his office? But surely he could have fun with this interview.

“Well, let’s do this professionally then, Granger, just because we know each other don’t mean I would treat you any different.”

Hermione took a seat opposite Malfoy.

“Well I know that”

“Talks back” Draco said whilst making a note on an application form.

“Hey, I wasn’t--“

“Interrupts whilst busy” Draco said slyly again whilst making notes. Hermione sat abruptly in her chair and folded her arms. She knew Draco was going to be annoying, but she didn’t imagine him this bad. Whilst sitting there, waiting for Draco to finish jotting notes she noticed a band on his ring finger where she guessed a wedding ring would have previously sat.

“So what happened then?” she asked, smirking to herself.

“What are you talking about?” Draco scowled.

“The missing ring, I’m guessing the poor girl realised what she had married” Hermione chuckled

“That private business Granger, nothing you need to know about. Do you know that this could harm your chances of getting this job?” Draco spat.

“I’m not really worried about your bloody job!” Hermione said angrily

“Mind your language Granger, that’s another bad remark going on your application” Draco said with an evil glimmer in his eye.

“Wow Malfoy, after all these years I thought you might have matured at least a little; I thought you would be able to hold a decent conversation. But I guess I was wrong. You’re just a joke, and if you think that anyone is going to see you as a successful business man then you might as well give up now!”

Draco slammed the papers down onto his desk.

“Right, now you’ve done it!” he took a step towards her.

“Don’t even think I’m still going to consider your application. As if I’d have someone like you working for me, I would never be taken seriously. You might as well get out now, your time is up!” Draco shouted.

“Gladly!” Hermione snarled. As she walked towards the door and turned the knob Draco called after her; “Now I feel bad for saying that the Weasely boy liked you! Even he is too good for you! You’re just a good for nothing mudblood!” He shouted. Hermione turned her head to look at him. She just shook her head and exited quickly. Draco slumped down into his chair. He placed his fingers on his temples and sighed. Felicity entered the room a little worried.

“Well…um…how do you think that went?” she asked politely.

“Felicity, just get out” Draco sighed. 

Aint Never Gonna’ Change…  (Change - Daniel Merriweather)

            Hermione strode down the streets of Hogsmede. The sound of her heels beating the floor was being to aggravate her even more. Her face was pink and flustered and her frizzy hair was bushier than ever. As she stopped outside The Three Broomsticks and looked at her reflection in the window she undid the button on her pinstriped blazer and took off her shoes. She pushed open the door and the little bell rang. As she walked in and looked around she spotted Harry and Ron sitting in a booth in the corner. Ron also noticed her and stuck his hand in the air and beckoned her over.

“New look Hermione?” he smirked

“What?”

“No shoes.” Harry added.

“Oh right…the sound of them was annoying me” She said shyly. Harry and Ron chuckled a little, but when they noticed how upset she looked they stopped.

“I’ll go order then shall I? Butterbeers all round?” Ron asked. Harry and Hermione both nodded. After Ron walked off Harry broke the silence.

“Dare I ask how the interview went?”

Hermione glared at him. He gave her a sympathetic smile.

“Its okay, there will be other jobs”

“That’s not the problem; the problem is that I lost to Malfoy!” Hermione said sternly

“Did someone mention Malfoy?” Ron moaned, balancing 3 butterbeers in his hands. As he placed them in the middle of the table Hermione nodded limply to answer his question.

“I wonder what that freaky blokes up to these days?”

“Wasting people’s time that’s what he’s doing” Hermione said viciously.

“Please don’t tell me he was the one that interviewed you” Ron said worryingly. As Hermione took her butterbeer she rolled her eyes at him.

“Well - don’t worry - about him, he’s always been - an idiot” Harry said, between slurps.

The three best friends continued to chat when the bell above the door rang melodically. Ron looked over, let out a little snigger and nudged Harry in the side.

“Look over there!” He pointed.

“Where?”

“The door!” As Ron pointed to the people walking in they noticed it was Neville holding hands with - was it? - Luna? Hermione just sat, staring at the bottom of the glass. She couldn’t stop thinking about the interview; she thought she would have been a shoe in on nabbing that job.

As the tall figure turned his head and caught a glimpse of Ron sniggering at him.

“Hi guys!” Neville chirped.

“Neville! Long time no see mate, take a seat. Oh and you too Luna.” Harry replied, giving Luna a half smile as he invited her to sit down. Neville pulled up two chairs and took a seat. He then put his arm around Luna and pulled her in close to him. Luna looked into his eyes lovingly before wrapping her arms around his torso.
“Something going on between you two?” Ron questioned.

“I thought you guys knew? -the three friends looked puzzled- Me and Luna are engaged” Neville said happily.

“You got engaged to Loony Lov--” Ron stopped mid sentence after Harry stomped on his foot to warn him not to go there.

“Congratulations Neville” Harry said politely. Neville smiled at him, and then turned his head to look at Hermione.

“Hi Hermione, how are you?”

“Just fine” she replied quickly, not bothering to raise her head. Neville took the hint she didn’t want to talk.

“So did you guys hear about Malfoy? I heard he’s got his own business now! Luna was going for an interview, but who wants to work for him eh?”

Hermione acted as if Neville had punched her in the face. She immediately pushed her empty glass away from her, picked up her shoes and walked away from the table. As she stopped half way to balance on the bar to put her shoes back on Luna left Neville’s side and walked over to Hermione. She placed her hand on Hermione’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry Hermione, you’ll find your soul mate some day, just like I found Neville”

Hermione shrugged Luna’s hand off of her shoulder.

“For your information Luna, that is NOT the reason I am currently in despair” and with that Hermione left the pub. Luna looked a little taken back, but soon resumed to her seat at the table.

“Where’s Hermione gone?” Harry said. He thought she was going to explain more about her interview. Luna looked glumly at him.

“Well…” said Ron, getting up and slapping his knees. “I best be going, I’ve got dinner at my mums…Oh Harry! D’ya wanna come along too?”

“Sounds great Ron” Harry replied. Neville opened his mouth as if he was going to speak. He waited a few seconds but realised he would not be receiving an invite to the Weasely dinner.

“Seeya Neville…Bye Luna” Harry called out as him and Ron left The Three Broomsticks.

            Draco sat at his desk with his head in his hands. The argument he had shared with Granger was repeating over and over in his head. What if she was right? People wouldn’t take him seriously as a business man. Wait…what was he thinking? Never in his life would he believe anything a mudblood had said to him.

Now Draco, that’s not a nice word…mudblood

So many things were whirling round and round in his mind. Then a soft little tap could be heard through the door.  Draco could immediately tell who it would be.

“Come in Felicity.”

“I am terribly sorry to bother you Mr Malfoy, and I did get your note about how I must not, under any circumstances, choose to hire the ‘frizzy haired freak’ -

In your words, not mine Sir, I think she is rather pleasant.

-But I can’t help but notice, Mr Malfoy that she has the best application of her own by far. She received all O’s in her exams, she has had lots of experience with helping her friends and she sounds like an all round pleasant person.”

Draco glared at her, with his cold blue eyes.

“Felicity, did you not hear the raging argument we had? There is no way I am hiring her. She’s a foul mudblood”

Stop using that word Draco!
Felicity flinched at the dirty name Draco had decided to address Hermione by.

“But, Mr Malfoy, I fear that we won’t find anyone as good as Miss Granger -she gulped- and I don’t know about you, but I would like to see this business as fine as it can be and I think that with Miss Granger on board we can acco--”

“Okay, okay Felicity -Draco interrupted- you have made a fine point.” Draco sighed heavily. He knew Felicity was right, all through school Hermione had been the best student, and no matter how much he tried not to think about it, she was extremely skilled and could really help the business out.

“Get me her address” he groaned.

Damn this shit gets old…  (This Sh*t Gets Old - Never Shout Never)

            Hermione loved living in the centre of Hogsmede. She was close to all her friends and all her favourite places. Her parents didn’t mind that she was so far away from home, as long as she promised to come home and visit every now and again. As Hermione walked from her glistening kitchen and slumped herself onto the patchwork sofa she reviewed how badly her day had gone whilst sipping her sweet coffee. Hermione had never really been one for interior design but her flat was very respectable and welcoming. With pale cream walls, plants dotted around and welcoming sofa, she was prepared for any visitors. Although, she didn’t really have many people visit her place often. She preferred it just being her, however, when the right guy comes along she would love to start her own family. She placed her coffee down onto a coaster on the wooden coffee table and picked up her copy of The Daily Prophet. As she began reading about the upcoming Quidditch tournaments there was a knock at the door. If this was going to be Luna again Hermione was quite ready to slam the door in her face. As she arose from the sofa in her pink fluffy slippers she walked to the door where an impatient person was standing on the other side continually knocking.

“I’m coming I’m coming!”

            Draco stood outside the mahogany door and heard Hermione calling from inside. He rolled his eyes, what was he doing here again? As the door opened in front of him stood a flustered Hermione who was staring directly at him.

“What do you think you are doing at this time of night?”

“May I come in? Okay then.” Draco said as he invited himself into the bright living area. Hermione looked a little startled but closed the door behind him.

“You have 5 seconds to explain yourself or I’m calling the ministry”

Draco looked at her, studying her casual appearance.

“You look nice”

Wait; did I actually just say that?

“Flattery will get you nowhere Malfoy.” Hermione said spitefully, with her arms folded over her baggy jumper.

“You have no idea how much it pains me to say this, especially to you -he rubbed his head- I would like to formally ask you if you would like to take the job available at Hogsmede Medical Center”

Hermione giggled rudely.

“And what makes you change your mind? Realised you can’t live without me?”

Of course he can, can’t he? Well I am amazing.

“Well, actually Granger, it was mainly Felicity’s idea, but yes, that is the general gist. I would like to have someone with your skills -he coughed and tried to loosed the collar of his shirt- on my team”

“Well I’m disinclined to accept, Mr Malfoy.” Hermione mocked.

“I thought me begging you would have changed your mind, after all this is what you wanted isn’t it? -Hermione stared at him- Well if you aren’t going to accept, you can forget about a pay rise, I always knew you were a selfish piece of work”

Hermione thought about it for a second. Malfoy really had come to her flat to ask her personally, she knew it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to turn down this sort of an opportunity, and plus, what a story to tell. Hermione had got Malfoy begging her because of how amazing she was.

“Okay, but first of all, if this is going to work I want you to quit with the insults.” She said sternly.

“Whatever you say” said Malfoy turning around to walk towards the door

“Oh and one more thing, I’m expecting equal treatment, just because we know each other slightly more, I don’t want you favouriting me! She said sarcastically.

“I wasn’t planning on it!” Malfoy called out, now standing at the door. As he turned the latch he dropped his wand. As it rolled over to Hermione’s feet he noticed her pink fluffy slippers.

“How like a girl” he muttered to himself.     

Hermione was still a little shocked at having Draco standing in her flat and that’s probably the explanation for what she said next.

“Do you fancy a coffee?”

Draco gave her a puzzled look.

“What did you say?”

Hermione blushed, not wanting to repeat her statement.  She just shook her head shyly

“Never mind.”

Draco’s eyes whirled around the room. He was admiring Hermione’s personal taste.

Seriously Draco, seriously!?

“Nice place” Draco complemented.

Draco! No more butterbeer for you if its going to make you all soft towards her!

Hermione blushed further, her cheeks nearly the same colour as her slippers.

“Well, I better be going then” Draco murmured.

He opened the door and began down the corridor.

“See you at work!” Hermione called out after him.

Really Hermione, what are you doing! He hates you remember…and you hate him.

Anything to please you…  (Can’t Stand It - Never Shout Never)

                Hermione awoke with a pounding headache. Not a great way to start a new day at work. As she hurled herself out of the crimson bed sheets she felt as though she was about to collapse. Her hands worked fast in making the bed as she didn’t want to leave a bad impression by being late. She walked past the mirror and did a double take.

Hermione, look at the state of your hair! Fix the situation!

She sighed at herself and began to attack the birds nest on her hair with the hairbrush. After wincing at the size of the knots she decided taking a shower would be the best option.

As she stepped out of the shower smelling sweetly of jasmine and coconut she walked to wardrobe, whilst rubbing her hair dry with a towel. Hermione shuffled to her colour co-ordinated wardrobe, watching the sprawled hairbrush on the floor. She picked out a lilac blouse patterned with white lilies, a black pencil skirt that sits just above the knee and some white heels. After she was dressed and had sprayed a nice perfume it was time to tackle the hair issue. She pulled and fiddled until she eventually decided on a tight bun with some loose curls shaping around her face.  She finished the look with a white pearl necklace with matching earrings. Then sitting at her dressing table she applied some fine black eyeliner, mascara and a dusting of powder. Finally she applied some shiny lip gloss with the tip of her finger. Looking at the clock on the wall, Hermione realised there was no time to spare and quickly flooed herself to the Medical Center.

               

Bliss
XX

In response

Good morning S

How is your PMT? Any relief yet?

I am writing because I love your writing. Your honesty with yourself and the way you think about your experiences. And because I identify myself within your words.

My dad is ex-military and a total bigot. The odd thing is I am always attracted to the angst in a man. And I recognise this these days. I feel safe and as if they are strong and want ti take care of me. I always have found out that actually there is anger just under the surface. I sort of hero-worship for their bravery. Like I used to think cowboys are so manly and strong and brave.

Crazy - I romanticise all this and then discover that they are just angry and nasty to all including me. They want to look after me so long as I do exactly as they say. Unfortunately I am too much of a rebel and want to break free. I am very muddled around all this. I think it swings like the bi-polar does. After all look at the strong pull I had and can think about with M/s. I willingly wanted to learn to be completely giving of me. Ha how useless I was at that. I could not combat my own wants!! Good.

I also relate strongly to the way my size seems to be a focus of everything. I don't want to go out, or meet up with people. I never buy clothes. I make plans and cancel.

And so on. And as you remarked it is baffling how I take comfort in the unhealthy foods and yet feel dreadful immediately afterwards.

I have been studying the brain chemicals and the ways in which the natural opioids in out brains are stimulated hugely by sugars - bear in mind that sugars are high in some carbohydrates - white flour for example. So there is this genuine placating that takes place - briefly!! And if addictive, as I am, then this working with the addictive processes is lethal.

So it is a physiological process as well as an emotional and spiritual process. I am currently trying to eat healthier again after a few weeks of insatiable hunger which I truly believe is connected with the hormonal shifts of menopause. A magnified version for me of PMT and one that lasts longer.

And yes if you can take it HRT offers some relief from some of the symptoms - of which the ones I have are driving me crazy. I am gaining a little more acceptance - very slowly.

Right now I am relieved that the hunger has lifted and I am once again eating more healthily. I still allow myself all food types but stick to three meals per day - no snacks at all and minimise when I can the really high fat content and high sugar content. Plus I am walking every day even if only half an hour. And some sit ups again in the morning. All this had stopped for months. Loads of weight has piled back on. It's so frustrating that I turn to food to comfort when actually it no longer works. I would like to not turn to anything for comfort. I would like to be better practiced at working through whatever it is I am avoiding. Usually loneliness and sadness. Blah blah blah

Your birthday - you sound so similar to me. I thought for my 40th and my 50th I should do something big and special. I didn't. I am just not a big party person. Friends said I should have partied so for 2 years on the trot I arranged gatherings. It was nice but just not me. I enjoyed lots of people gathering for me - the first time was an exceptionally hot day and we had a huge gathering for a picnic. Everyone bought their own fare so the costs were zero - of course this was May.

The next year a friend suggested we have the picnic in her garden. Nice but actually I realised it was a lot of stress and I a not a big gathering type person

And I worried about who would come - I invited just about everyone I know from all over the world and some people I barely know too. Some of them I have never seen again which is no issue as they were people flitting by my life.

Since then I invite just my very closest friends - 3 of them and we go out for a meal. And then my other friend who doesn't like mixing with strangers (everyone is a stranger as she isolates really) we go out for an Indian meal or get a take away with her mum and sister. This year even that got bigger and more fussy than I really wanted.

I like it quiet and least fuss. But there are friends who say to me that I am not treating myself and that its a self esteem issue. I am not sure it is.

This year I had several gatherings with different friends simple quiet meals out.

It suits me.

And when PMT ish it may not be the easiest time to be working out what you want or need. There is no rush is there? You can decide not to decide for today.

I find it difficult to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion even when it is prejudices and meanness. But they are of course allowed to be different from me.

I try to practice not trying to change peoples minds, being acceptant and not being afraid to put my views in too. However, it seems that some people are so prejudiced they cannot be open. It is pointless. I can continue to practice openness. I always hear something that is valuable to my own development.

However I have realised that there is no point in trying to put a different view across. Funnily enough a Chris I was pursuing for the wrong reasons was military and also bigoted. I couldn't understand why I so wanted him when he was so mean and nasty about the world. It's what I do. Overlook my own values just to try and be wanted. No more!

This means the path narrows I guess. But it is seemingly impossible to be with someone who has such opposing views. There needs to be some common ground within friendships.

As I read about your visit with Darren I felt quite concerned. I didn't like that you felt separate and their inhospitable ways and views - nah! Not nice.

It's funny what makes the world go around. I realise that I need to know meanness so that I also recognise inclusion and generosity and grace.

I work towards those qualities, I value them whereas those people who value segregation and closedness are really helpful in me finding my values. I just need to minimise time with them. Oh and stop trying to change them hahahaha.

I love reading your Blog - your thoughts. I hope you don't mind me having my thoughts on them. I will not send this of course to maintain your privacy. You just stimulate thoughts and ideas in me- thank you.

--

Bliss

XX

Baffling - people with people

People. I love them and I am at times baffled by them.
I see a client who is so defended up and says that he has no fears. He wants to be antagonistic. He doesn't want therapy around these things he just wants to be well and thinks everyone is out to get him. Hearing his story I understand why. Me though - I start thinking I am not doing my job. I haven't asked the right questions. I become insecure. I have to hold myself steady in this. I am doing what I would do with all clients and some want to work and by doing so they explore the possibilities. So there are some people that it just doesn't work for. I will be interested to hear what other colleagues say.
I have been concerned about a friend recently. However she says she's been feeling better recently than she had been feeling. It seemed that my concern was interpreted with some criticism. She read it and I didn't mean that. It feels very scratchy with her recently. I need to pull out of the scratching and just let it be because otherwise me explaining me becomes some kind of battle. This happens from time to time with her. I guess it happens with people.
Within friendships it sort of moves in and out. I can accept my friends the way they are. I do not rust that they will be as acceptant as I am and withdraw gradually. Well if that's what happens that's what happens. I move away gradually from some people too. I hope it doesn't as the friends I have are very important to me and I value them all in different ways.
I have pulled back from E in terms of work. I prefer not to have work conversations now and no personal conversations at work. I visit her less often at work and am trying not to be all jokey and excessive. I will attempt to more professional. Light and breezy is one thing but I can take that too far.
A is less available recently since meeting her boyfriend. I am glad we are working through the steps together as this means we meet weekly.
I wonder????
Apparently SH has become a little more portly. He was very skinny so could do with some filling out. But this would be good too for my own filling out. So selfish ha ha ha and all about how I am looking. I wish it mattered less. And it does. I am who I am. I have prejudices against size and it's not true.
People! Me!
I have time for rambling this morning and oddly nothing too specific to ramble about. I am working the later shift - Aftercare. Lovely. And we have supervision today. Great. Apparently V will be there too which will be interesting. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with some challenges she makes as they seem to me to be direct criticism of people and not respectful of the way people think and feel at all. Ha ha which is a direct criticism from me. So I will not be remarking for a while I think. I get a sense that she is very very sensitive and may find the open arena quite difficult. We will see.
One thing that has presented itself to me this week (and in the past) is that in advance I make plans that sound really good. But as it gets closer I start to bottle out. I am not sure what this is about. I recall it starting to happen excessively when I was first unwell. Until that time I always went to everything without fear. But now everything fears fearful unless I am doing something with someone I know well. When I have moved out of my comfort zone I have had a great time and loved the sense of achievement and adventure. I love adventuring. But somehow things seem difficult and then I disappoint people not least myself.
I am not sure what the fears are about. It sometimes seems difficult to organise the arrangements. Timing and what I might need, how to get there and logistical things can seem really too much to handle. And then I am not organised in advance. I leave everything to the last minute so then feel too rushed. Also I think when I feel uncomfortable about me and my size that limits me incredibly. I feel unlikeable when I am bigger than I am comfortable with.That is because I dislike myself.
So I am not certain about the underlying issues with this. Commitment.
I will book my tickets to Oslo this week when I get paid. And then book the car park at Stansted and pass all the details to T so that its organised.
I must make arrangements with R for Spain too.
I feel committed to these trips. I sort of know actually when I am not really committing. Now I think I don;t like to say that I am not committing so that I seem nice to people but it's worse for them when I cancel last minute. Now there's a thought. Also I like the idea of some things but don't feel committed. Actually I am not sure this is about fear at all or rather fear about the doing of things. I think it's more do with people-pleasing. Interesting.
More to be explored because I can't be bothered right now. Even more interesting.
der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bliss
XX

Wander lonely as a cloud