Assessment v judgement

I'm struggling to decipher between observing someone doing something and judging them. I am witnessing a person who is mentally unwell and asking others to do something that they themselves do not, and will not do. I am seeing someone who cannot make mistakes or fail and so spins a story and makes a situation look another way to convince themselves. I am not convinced. Yet it goes out to the public as if it's the truth and the person begins to believe it too. I think I've a bit of sour grapes there as it demeans my own position in all of the notification to save his dignity. I can give him that. I can be humble.

Bliss
xx

Ego versus laziness or conviction! Go with the flow ......

Well it seems it's for me to work on my niggles and criticisms and judgements with PD and also go ahead with AC. It's all steam ahead for AC.

Or is it ? Please guide me in my decision making process. And there's always layer upon layer to decipher.
What do I need to do to do the best? I want to work with people. I am passionate about working with people and helping them change where they want change.

Here's my decision tool in use again

Dilemma: AC  continues (yipeeee) and second interview with Priory

Date: 4^th August 2014 Decision needed by wed 6^th August 2014

Decision importance – weighty

Indecisiveness level: partisan

Best case scenario

Still to eventually set up own business – but to work for AC and PD with a third person, guaranteed for another year. Earn more money and be grateful for all that’s good. Get degree completed and then get some training organised next year in therapy.

Pipe dream – own business growth really

Worst Case scenario

Continue to be bored, critical, judgemental of PD. Piss the Priory off miss an opportunity

Gut feelings

Stick with PD and AC

Pluses – have lots of freedom and no responsibility other than as a counsellor. Get to do my studying. PD is now offering an increase in January and then again to £30k when he can.

Minuses – I do get bored and I’m not enhancing my counselling skills. I do disagree with PD and his ways and we have different ideas on therapy (but with the same ultimate goal)

Pluses – it’s another year guaranteed and in that time I can continue with my own little practice.

But I wonder whether I could negotiate 4 days per week at £28.5 as offered. Or I can run my private practice at weekends now I won’t be studying. Can I?

Minuses - I am pretty certain PD will want me full time L - maybe negotiable if we take on 3^rd person as a 4 dayer.

Pluses – PD is already aware of desire to go to Singapore next year for 3 to 4 weeks

Minuses – I don’t think there really are many minuses except as already stated my criticism and judgement which I commit to working through. It means being more open in discussion with him.

Gut feelings

Go for the interview in case the money doesn’t come through (only if something happens to B will it not come through.

To be honest I don’t want to work for them

Pluses – after conversation with ET got really positive comments and also to be myself is okay which helped with interview. i.e. my selling abilities are very natural. I am aware that sometimes people are making enquiries and that’s part of my assessment – are they really contemplating but can sew the seed and keep occasional tabs in case they become ready. But also very aware of substance and behavioural addictions – role with their speed but also encourage. Have had success being persuasive where I can see there is an urgency and simply fear.  All that sort of thing.

Minuses – all things I’ve already said – it’s a corporate with no real care for their staff. Might change and even might be able to fight but do I really want to.

Pluses – go for the interview and see how I do.

Minuses – have to then say will think about it and say no – ugh the thought of letting them down that way but that’s the way things roll.

Pluses – yes would be able to develop contacts in my own name but could do that anyway and it’s not my main focus right now.

Minuses – hard work!

Pluses – not so many really – all a bit of ego!!!

Intuitive conclusion – stick with PD at AC and slowly develop self and own thing

Rational conclusion – stick with PD at AC

Decision – stick with PD at AC

Next steps – decide whether to cancel interview or not

Dilemma: Cancel interview or not?

Date 4^th August 2014

Decision needed by am 5^th August 2014

Decision importance: Worthwhile to weighty

Indecisiveness Level: washy

Best case scenario:

Can go along for interview, be offered the job and they will happily understand my decision not to take up the offer. – Not a pipe dream if I handle it appropriately

Worst case scenario:

Don’t get offered the job or they are really pissed off with me and I upset relationships

Apocalypse – yes to latter part of that not to first part – will get over that.

Gut feelings

Cancel interview

Pluses – fair and not wasting time as decision is pretty much made up – just a slight doubt that maybe I’m missing an opportunity.

Minuses – don’t get to find out if I can be good enough – that’s pride and ego

Pluses – well quite simply I do not have to give any more time to the interview prep or time tomorrow much needed for my essay.

Minuses – there aren’t any really. Oh except if B doesn’t wire the money to PD for any reason we are out of money very soon and can’t continue.

Go for interview

Pluses – get to feed my curiosity about the process and if I can do it and come out looking good

Minuses – wastes everyones time for a bit of ego

Intuitive conclusion – money will come through and go with decision to stay with PD so cancel interview ASAP

Rational conclusion – cancel interview as soon as know money is secure

Decision – cancel interview but get help to word how to do this

Tomorrow am

Next steps ask PD to let me know once money is secure. Not that it really matters.

I wonder how many people see me use the word God and are turned off because it has religious connotations. My God is not religious of course. It's spiritual principles, it's universal energy, it's people, it's life courses, it's feeling good by doing what I rally value deep down inside. My real principles!

I'd really love it some days people would read my posts and enter into discussions with me. I love the interaction. It's not a blog though that attracts people just to read life stuff that's going on. I ralise that's actually quite boring.

Hey ho!

Bliss

XX

Indecisive decisiveness

Dilemma: What  to do about work
Date: 3rd August 2014
Decisions needed by: well finally 12th August but a lot is dependent on a number of other people in between time
Decision Importance: Weighty
Indecisiveness level: Wishy and partisan too

Best case scenario:
Have my own business going (ACT - Addiction Counselling and Therapy), working 4 days per week with regular referrals and 4/5 clients per day. Workshops up and running
Pipe dream but not impossible over two years I think

4 day per week employment with PD at AC for the next 2 years and an additional staff member.
Earning more money - unlikely with PD
Not a pipe dream but dependent on PD feeling able to carry on and getting funding.

Worst case scenario:
Out of work and on benefits if even possible these days.
Not apocalypse at all. But not great either in terms of income.

Gut Feelings
Not to work for the P BUT will go for second interview to work towards avoiding worse case scenario
Really this job interview is to go for it should AC not be in existence.

Pluses for working for them:
Could enjoy bringing the team back together.
Minuses of this - takes a lot of energy within a company that does not invest in staff or care for them so would be fighting for resources all the time and needing to justify against very tight budgets.
Pluses - increase in money (if I can negotiate it I would want at least £5k more than I'm on now)
Minuses - wouldn't really have the time to do my private work at all and also would have to see what could be done about time off for studying if start date before the end of my degree. I would want 4 days per week but it is a full time job.
Pluses - I could solidify contacts for referrals when I left.
Minuses - further to travel and would be on call really.
Pluses - nice working environment
Minuses - FC is leaving, team are in deep despair and low morale/motivation.

Gut feelings Stay at Addiction Care - definitely feels best option
Pluses - PD is a good man
Minuses - we think differently on what is support and how to support clients. I described it this morning as being two parents who have different beliefs on how to bring the kids up. I can find ways to compromise and discuss and negotiate with him and not involve the kids. (Plus - growth for me)
Pluses - do have time to do my own business and also don't have the responsibility of managing and being the decision maker merely the contributor (prefer less responsibility in that way)
Minuses - can't see any in connection with that point. Money stays the same though - but can earn a little extra with own business. However, I am not cementing any referral contacts in my own name.
Pluses - if the business grows I know PD would look after me financially
Minuses - It's hard work with PD himself. I get critical and judgmental. His mood swings can affect me and wear away at me. Sometimes I'm okay and when I;m not there it's better. It would be better if there were someone else involved as well
Another minus - it's all up in the air until tomorrow after he's spoken to his funder today.
Pluses - I am realising how grateful I am with all the benefits of this job and how when I see the negatives I am extreme and want out straight away. Grass is always greener. Grateful that I've been shown this Thank you God.

Gut feelings P at Gatwick - would love the therapy learning but it's in the wrong location. Gut instinct - don't go for the interview stop wasting theirs and my time. It's not until 12th August either so .....

Pluses - as I said the opportunity to learn more therapy
Minuses - gut feeling stuff about B and C. Both lovely people but not sure they would be to work for.
Pluses - secondary unit so not dealing with hard core addiction - people moving on and wanting to work deeper.
Minuses - the location - too far to travel and even considering a move is problematic. LouLou is very settled with A and G. They do not charge me and are more like family anyway.

Gut feelings - on benefits and develop own business. SCARY!! Not sure if I can overcome my fear. BUT this is the most favourable option.
Pluses - wouldn't have to travel so far
Minuses - like working with colleagues and this would be very lonely
Pluses - would have time to wok more on studies to completion date
Minuses - little to no income and not able to save for Singapore.
Pluses - could do lots of little jobs in between time
Minuses - not so easy to get lots of little jobs and will take the time I want for setting up etc and still earning low money
Pluses - it's what I want to try and want to believe in myself
Minuses - no minuses to that oh except lacking in self-belief and then think it's a silly idea and how can I make that work.
Pluses - once degree is completed I can spend time on differnt training courses and gain more confidence and develop self in this work (I can do this at AC too)
minuses - loan working and getting workshops up and running with another is still intermittent.
Pluses - I have lots of people support in other ways. It would be great to do this in partnership with someone else to bolster each other and somehow it's not as scary then as being on my own and doing it.
Pluses - I could really promote myself more as an artists model but that's just sort of developing slowly and maybe I need to allow ACT to just develop slowly and get known that way.

Intuition conclusion:
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there next 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If he decides to fold - take redundancy and risk benefits and promote own business.

Rational conclusion;
Wait and see what PD decides and if he's going ahead stick with him - plan to be there net 18 months and learn how to work through niggles and issues.
If offered, take the P job as manager. Save, save, save. Develop contacts with a view in 18 months to 2 years to leave and focus on own business - heart sinks as I say this. Still feel as if I'm selling my soul to the devil.

Decision: For today wait and see what PD comes back with and really hope that he wants to go ahead as this is the best option for me. I'm not sure it's the best option for him and his health.
Next step: Get on with essay and see what he says tomorrow. Leave it until then.  And then re-evaluate.

Good plan Bliss!

Bliss :)
xxxx

Thank you God. This little thing was sent along just at the right time.
It has solidified what was really becoming clearer yesterday and all week I've  been praying for clarity

You are a marvel God. :)

Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

Negotiating the sale of my soul to the devil

I have had a real awakening this morning. I DO NOT want to work for the Priory. I can't take back applying for the job in the first place but I have this morning been thankful for the experience because it has revealed to me how easily I will sell my soul to the devil - on a couple of matters as well. 1 is greed, but I am seeing my principles are actually bigger these days than my greed. And for that I am grateful too. 2 Because PD kept on and on to apply even when he was first leaving. I am frustrated with myself that I allowed his voice to infiltrate and oddly its a similar voice to that of my mum and dad - security, corporate, selfish usefulness really. I don't want to put my mum in that last bracket actually - she did her work with passion.
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have  - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.

THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.

My friend suggests the following ....

morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.

There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.

Bliss
x

What do I do best?

I'm doubting therapy. After years of it for myself and now years of working in it, I'm doubting it. We are just people who don't know anything supporting people in the shit! It's all techniques devised from people who have looked into people and the way we are and making assumptions and stuff but know nothing really. I'm fascinated by people and what we do and how we do it. But therapy is just people thinking they can help people. And I can listen and love and just be there for people but I cannot solve things for them. There are techniques to help support trauma and anxiety. Some people prescribe pills, some people prescribe CBT, some people prescribe treatment programmes. But every person is different. For addiction there are different ways individuals find to manage their lives and I sit in all honesty not knowing which is the best way for a person and yet there are psychiatrist and therapist who are very set I. What they think is he right way and then opposing views, neither of which come to any agreement. And I sit in a session with a client listening to them try to keep control and if they can why not? And on,y when they can't and can finally see that they can't will they go to radical lengths of abstinence.
I'm having a bit of a crisis I suppose. Questioning what I do and it's real worth.
It leaves me scared because I also love doing what I do and clients appreciate the time to sit and talk about themselves whilst they seek ways to feel better. The best I can do is listen and probe with them but I have this preconception that ultimately they have to learn how to abstain and then they will need support and then the 12 step fellowship is the support that's best.
What do I know? I do know it's been a miracle for me, turning my life around and continues to do so. I'm not even sure I was an alcoholic and yet I can see how drink and drugs were certainly controlling my life but I think I was f...ked up anyway. How or why is not really clear.
I've become a little worried recently as when shopping I've had some loud and more regular than I've had for the past 2 1/2 years of "fuck it". I even sniffed K's alcohol bottles whilst there just to see if I liked the smell. The rum smelt full of sugar. I could smell alcohol and to be honest didn't particularly like the smell. I didn't want to drink it and I didn't want to feel drunk. I do like the idea of a good bottle of wine.
So if I don't practice in therapy God, what do I do? What is my purpose.? I would really like some guidance. I absolutely trust it will be some clear. I think I'm tired of me and tired of travelling and tired of me in conflict with P. He says and does many wonderful things. He also is very directive and I get so irritated when he shuts down feelings. What is that in me God? I'd like to understand me better I suppose. Perhaps I cannot grow whilst I'm attempting to support growth in others. What do I do now God?
I genuinely want to be helping people out of their troubles. Whatever role can I have within that? I also don't want to be so low on money. And I do not there are poorer people than me. I have so much.
I'm feeling low about the way I keep my surroundings. I'd like it to be very different. Minimalist. Clean. I'd like it all white and floaty curtains. Everything out away in neat compartments and organised. Yet I don't want to get rid of things I have that belonged to my mum. Yet they are not in the right place here. I'd like the carpets all gone and the moths to all depart. It's the same feeling with the moths as there was with the mice. They are ruining things and they have control. I have too much stuff and too little space to clear everything out so that I can do the thorough clean required. I'm lazy about this too.
So God what do I do next? I know You'll show me as and when it's appropriate. I am not bolting. I am continuing to show up. However I just have no ideas. Oh do I go for the Priory job? I know I need to write to Lifeworks and tell them I'm actually no longer interested but what do I say after having expressed interest and chased them up.
What do I say and do next God? I need patience and trust that all will become clear.
Am I just in another I'm bored stage and flipping out? The grass is greener type thing?
I hope not but even if I am perhaps that's just my path.
Who knows what's right and therefore I'm finding it difficult to be I. An environment where it's the thing to advise people what's right for them. I'm too influenced by P and a desire to get people better rather be along side them whilst they find their way to feeling better.

Bliss
Xx

That was wrong of me.

Thank you God I can see.
I'm not clear what to do now so please guide me so that I can do only the bests for other people.

What can I see? My part in the flow of things. It gets clearer and I hope it's clearer for good so long as I keep working away at my spiritual recovery.
Okay what I see is this, my part in the flow of interactions and specifically I will refer to Friday. I hope not to bore in the process as it's connected with dear ol' PD and work. I am a constant critic of PD's style. I think he's directive and shuts people down. It irritates me, sometimes infuriates me and I think because for so long I was shut down and I shut people down and now I am learning that people have their feelings. And yet there I was in this little process not liking his anger. Actually he said "I am fucking furious".
Okay details. We were in group and I had suggested that a peer ask his group what they thought of him. Some people are forthcoming and expressed their thoughts, others need encouragement to share. Whilst those who won't easily share were quiet PD jumped in and started telling the person what they needed to think and feel, which irritates the hell out of me, but also was not encouraging the others to share their considerations of this persons question. And so I interrupted him basically because I was feeling angry with him for not seeing it. I saw his flash of fury and then stay shut down for the rest of the group. After the group when we usually sit down and process, he didn't want to discuss anything. He said right then I have to get on as R is arriving. I was surprised and asked about processing the group to which he said no was there anything I thought needed processing and i said yes loads. He said such as. And I said well you seemed angry, which was the point when he said he was fucking furious. I was immediately shocked at the extent of his fury but also understood. It's great because I also wanted to shut down his anger but didn't entirely. He said he didn't want to talk about there and then so I said okay, and he he went onto to say that I am de-skilling him and  we're working at different levels here and it's not okay. He's right. And I can see how my thoughts and feelings about his style are coming out in my practice. I create a friction between us that the group will pick up on.He is right and was wrong in this action I took. What I need to do is after the group talk about my feelings about interactions. I often feel angry when a client is just expressing their feelings and PD starts telling them what to do. But as my sponsor says I need to focus on the clients reaction to PD and not work against him instead work with what he presents and keep aware of my emotions and how I respond with them. I have been reacting to emotions not fully acknowledging them and instead becoming the protector of the clients emotions. This is great to see.
Now I need to make amends. I will say to PD tomorrow that he was right in what you've picked up and it was wrong of me.
I have to let go of wanting him owning his part in things. I just say my amends and that's it and listen.
And speaking with S, I can be light about it and say, that was wrong of me on Friday and I'm  really sorry.
That was wrong of me and I am sorry. That's all it takes.
An the other area of growth and self-awareness is that I need to start saying during the processing of the groups that I was feeling angry about xxxx, and see what happens.
Oh God thank you for showing me, for opening my eyes more and more

Bliss
XX