An exit visa from SHAME

Bliss, there's always, and only, one sure way to bridge the gap, heal the wound, mend the fence, and otherwise reach those who seem unreachable.
Thought.
Send them your finest,
The Universe
 
This seemed to resonate strongly. The sentiment for me is forgiveness, letting go, reaching out, allowing past to be the past. And the strong link is with my dad following last Saturdays miracle time with him.
It has never entered into my busy thoughts, the thinking that flashes and pulses with such alarming regularity that the time between thoughts is undetectable in the human world.  So many thoughts but not one ever flitting by the idea that my dad might actually take responsibility for something that has haunted me and now I have learnt haunted him too.
I am repeating myself I know.
I have fear though. I want to bridge the gap - and by that I am thinking (there we go again - and believe me a million other thoughts preceded it since the one before and that last one) yes bridging the gap means that I should be in regular contact and calling and visiting and being close - my fantasy is that we are all chatty and friendly and loving. At the same time I feel sick at the thought because then the dad that has been the angry and abusive dad comes back into mind. That person is more present than the funny, fleetingly caring sharing dad I met on Saturday. That version of him is so unfamiliar really. I remember a few times when that dad has been there. That is the dad that I love, even adore. The dad that I want to love me is the angry dad. Ironic huh?
Now actually I have been bridging the gap but not in my fantastical way. It's been in an even more miraculous way. Over the past years I have taken responsibility for myself more. I have not been dependant on being bailed out or hauled out of trouble. I have set boundaries and gradually I have fund my voice to tell my angry dad that certain things are not OK. I have allowed adult me to keep child me from harm and met angry dad as an adult. I have altered my behaviours so much over the last years - starting with getting into recovery from mess and chaos and addiction. No more crazy men, no more drinking escapades with buckets of shame, no more irresponsible debting, no more running.
Yes a lot of changes. All contributing to this encounter which links with the words from the Universe - and I think I do continue to reach out for the unreachable. People say stop knocking on the door where I will be rejected yet again. Well I have stopped knocking but I have not stopped praying for his happiness or for his relief from the burden of himself as that's in my opinion what I see. And I have been reaching out in my way, agreeing to meet, receiving calls, asking for some advice - that sort of little thing. Even when it's been painful tot he point of cutting myself, I have continued to reach out in a way other than directly.
I know my dad has continues to reach out too. Although there is a tightening in my throat and a feeling of sickness and my skin cringes as if something is wandering over my body, slowly, randomly. It give me the judders, this feeling. Something crawling over my skin, leerily.
Let it go, let it go.
So you see as you read this that there are so many mixed feelings. It is all too strange at this time. I want to see SC but have fear of contacting him. Afraid that he will reject me and I would find that very hard to deal with at this time. And as I have no spare cash I only want to see him a couple of times and maybe he won't accept that. The thing is I am too cowardly to call so have all these imaginary conversations - the only way to find out the truth is to call.
I can deal with the reality - difficult or positive.
 
JH is travelling and sent a Whatsapp to say he will not have access to any Internet.
It's odd. I was OK about this until the thinking started. I miss him. I miss access to the man I love. I find it all so strange the contact we have - there seems to be less sort of words of love from him. And I read into this that he really is drawing away little by little. And then I think well we are not a couple even though it is all so confused and blurred boundaries between us - well that's how it seems to me. But I am not sure how to address him. I want to and sometimes do tell him I love him. Then I get afraid of the rejection as he is drawing away and don't say anything close or affectionate - I want to be in his arms and feel his warmth and skin. But this is confusing as we are not officially lovers anymore.
I want him and miss him but am not entitled to that somehow. So the way we greet each other and the way we talk is with this sort of staccato affection.
So then of course the thinking - yes the thinking.  First of all I was really delighted that JH told me that he would not be able to access Internet. How thoughtful of him to let me know. Then I thought .... stinking thinking ..... he is telling me he wants a break from me. Freedom to just enjoy his holiday without me hassling and hounding him. Then I thought OH GOD! He is meeting a woman. Then I thought -stop this thinking it's just destructive. Then I thought look you are choosing to stay in contact so if you are then you have to put some trust in the man. If you really think he is out to cause any pain on purpose then you really need to get out!!! Then I thought - look he is being himself and you are not lovers by your choice so get on and be friends, access the things that you love and adore and enjoy and the rest will become apparent. Then I thought I can do this. Then I thought what is all this stuff. I am me and I am OK with or without JH I am OK. I don;t need him to be alive but I do like him in my life. Then I thought but he musn't know this or he will think he has won me over and ....Then I thought SHUT UP!!!!!! Let JH enjoy his holiday. He is there doing what he is wanting to do. I am here a long way away and getting on with my day to day. We are both OK.
If he loves me he will be there for me when he can. If he doesn't - well it will reveal itself.
Let Go! And Live and Let Live. I can love him and be really comfortable with that. If he wants and values that love that's available to him he can honour that. And I can learn to see how he loves me.
Phew
 
Then I thought - oh yes it's really is this endless - Oh no let me start the next little story of today .....
I picked up LL from AB's. AB and I sat down to a cup of coffee as we very often, actually more than that, as we usually do.
I am not sure what triggered it but we ended up speaking about pretty much the last year or just over before I ended up in R'ton P. It was a detailed account, very detailed of this time. And then we went on and talked about afterwards to right up to 25 Sep 2001.
My gosh what a story. I am not sure I have ever spoken in quite such explicit detail. Very specific stories and dates touching the feelings with different events and my shame now (although diminished shame than goodness).
This recounting started with the meeting of MS at the Cumberland Hotel. How I decided to go to the big travel event being held there. I cannot recall by whom or for what reason. But I can remember making sure I went for the potential of being out and drinking. I got entangled with J - renowned for her drinking problem and someone I encountered on occasions through my career with HRT in London. The first time being when I started seeing DM. Ew yuch I am not going to repeat the entire story here again. But it was dark and brings out a very creepy feeling. Any time I drive through Pimlico I get this eerie sense about the atmosphere. It truly is like a darkness descends over me. It was amidst the beginnings of the sharp decline towards a very real suicide attempt. Not the reason and there was still another maybe 9 10 months before that utter despair and final decision to kill myself.
I spoke about taking the pills almost in disbelief that I was doing it. Taking them in handfuls and washing them down with wine. It was like I was observing myself. Not really believing that I was doing it, terrified of what would happen but compelled to do it anyway. Crying, distraught. The ambulance, the police, the haze of memories, the delirium, my poor parents, the P!
Debts so big I didn't know what to do. Ongoing crazy partying, moments of such utter despair and hiding, shame and self hatred, confusion, obliteration.
I talked about some of the men and my self disgust at my behaviour and choices. When drugs started and how the slope downwards suddenly became a sheer drop. Rape! Madness without realising it. Rage! Worlds I had only previously imagined and yet a dark sardonic intrigue to experience these. RP, DL, S, oh gosh. ON and on we talked. Surprising situations.
As the story unfolded to it's end this evening I felt such an array of emotions.
As I drove away I felt odd. I could feel a rapidly pulsating energy from my centre. It was high energy. And I had a mic of positive charge and negative charge running amock around in me. I have no idea how to label the feelings and emotions. It was just huge.
I immediately NEEDED JH. I wanted to be able to call him and talk. I ...... about what I don't know.
I started to observe and thereby calm slightly knowing that I didn't - I just needed to ground. I managed to call T. I talked through this feeling and she related.
She spoke about having made a presentation earlier today and the buzzy feeling afterwards. She had grounded by taking a walk but was relieved to talk to me to really share it. That is exactly what I needed to do - share it. The need from JH was approval - I wanted t feel OK having spoken abut so much horror.
And the disbelief that this is what I - yes ME had done and been. Never in a million years would I imagine I would have received a disciplinary at work. Miss loyal, miss dedicated, miss never do a thing wrong.
Yet there I was getting into very serious trouble with my company - on two very big issues. And then I committed fraud and got involved in holding a licence for an illegal underground nightclub and drugging heavily and and and and and and and AND FLIPPING AND.
Endless stories.
AB says I should write my story - there are so many stories I never know where to begin. I should  perhaps record everything as I remember it.
Then one day it's there to perhaps be written - fictionalised truth that no one would believe I think.Or the way back from ruin as a self help book.
Or just let it rot with my dead body when I am gone. It was rotten after all.
 
I think I was feeling all that rot afterwards. It was very very strange sort of looking at the pictures as I recounted the reality as I remembered and then remembered a bit more - and trying to think where that bit slotted in on the timeline. FUCKING HELL - a very strange after sensation.
 
So now I could talk to JH without it being neediness :) but hey he's busy holidaying and I love to think of him enjoying the world he seems to love to explore. Just being JH.
I love him. He says he knows. I would hope that we could be together. Who knows? Universe?
 
Uhm - I also want to add that I am so JH's that I have no interest in any other man at all. It's easy to talk to men but I so utterly his that it is natural to be entirely relaxed and boundaried. I am not available to anyone else. I find this strange as he and I are not lovers anymore. Yet I feel his. Again I think if I allow him to know this he will take advantage of me - yet I know this thinking is from a deeper lack of trust, The fragile, hurt child and this is too much for JH to hold and nurture as he has too much of his own healing to do. I do not want him to parent my child that is not the same thing.
I have just realised that what he has encountered is a little frightened girl who also presents a grown woman, a teenager and of course a humble me just trying to get along in this confusing world.
Perhaps no one can hold all of this along with me. I try to do it but I need some help. Perhaps I have been needing to get the help from my friends rather than hope JH can help hold me.
 
I am just musing ideas. I don't know answers. I will call SC tomorrow.
 
Off to watch the end of the film The Girl Who Played with Fire - good so far.
 
Good night
Bliss
X
 
ps a bit chilly - going to watch it all snuggled in bed with Val Doonican

pps - a last minute thought - Oh God! What if he doesn't want contact because of another woman? He would surely tell me now. How can I stop this sort of thinking.
And he said he knows he can be boundaried - I wonder what his boundaries are?
I hope JH will forgive me for my thinking. I want to trust.
I have faith in the Universe - and the Universe is sure to help me heal and grow. It shows me daily how I have changed and grown and how I have love running through me.

PURITY COMPASSION FAITH BLISS WISDOM
 

Mab Jones

Welsh Wool
Oh the fellas they like a girl with long hair
They love to run the hands through it
But their tastes change when it comes to down there
That hair's not nice when they chew on it

Some girls are fuzzy, some girls are furry
Some girls are like a rainforest
Some hair is straight but mostly its curly
And Welsh girls have got a lot of it

Maybe its coz, just like the sheep
We need our wool to keep warm in
Maybe its coz with our valleys so deep
We need bush in case the rain's pouring

I don't know why, we've just got a lot
Welsh girls look bad in a thing
Unless they take off the hair that they've got
It really depends where they're from

I mean, valleys girls just love their curls
Their hair grows wild and flaxen
But city girls don't hide their pearls
They prefers' a waxin'

In Swansea they shave it.
In Tenby they save it
In Cardiff they take it all off
In Merthyr they shape it,
In Rhondda they drape it
Down either side of their crotch

In Rhyl they prefer a tiny moustache
In Aber a beard's the in thing
In Cwmer they pluck it but are prone to a rash
In Newport they add lots of bling

In mystical Pembroke the shape every folicle
Into a glyph that is highly symbolical
In Milford Haven the girls prefer shavin'
They leave just a few hairs there gently wavin'

Up in Caernarfon any male visitor
Will find the girls smooth and a hairy perimeter
In Flint it's the fashion to blow-dry it straight
In Gwent they tie beads in to make it ornate

There is a style to suit every passion
From silk smooth to long pony tail
Just near in mind that whatever the fashion
You're welcome, and will come, in Wales.
(Mab Jones)



http://mabjones.webs.com/aboutme.htm

A good evening - nice company
ML and her friend N
CS and her friend C

Some great poetry but a number of writers and some that I didn't really get.
Glad I made the effort. ML reckons she will read some of her own next time.

And so to bed .... working tomorrow PD will have his operation tomorrow.
Universe take care of him.

and please send a kiss to JH so that he can feel me

Bliss
X

A love poem on a poetry evening

The Moment Before

I want to touch
the sharp taste
of the moment in between
the second just before
the place where the breath catches
in anticipation.
It's the scent of heat held in the air
Between two mouths
reaching for each other, hungry.
The shine of moisture on slightly parted lips
just before
it melts into
the wetness of the other.


It is the skin that tingles
waiting
fine hairs at attention
reaching
aching.

It is the places that have not yet been touched
but know they will be.

It is the smooth, quivering paleness
of the inner thigh
as the outer is stroked and kneaded.
The muscles of the abdomen tightening
the back arching slightly
begging
come here
quickly
slowly.

There, in that moment
do not take your eyes from mine.
I am here
awake
I am reaching
to be met.

Do not touch me and keep your soul
out of your fingertips.
Die into me
or do not come into me at all.
Ever after is in this moment
happily or not.

Sacrifice the daydream.
Dare to hold the desire
for a great love.
Be with me.

JH sent me this poem once.
I love it. I sense it. I know it I have glowed in those moments just before, giving in, giving all of me.
 
What I say in return is ........................ 
 
The moment just after
 
to die into that very moment
whatever the future might hold.
Happily or not ever after
And whilst I know to trust that the future
is not actually in my own hands or anyone else's,
there is surely more for the future,
some sort of commitment
more than just this moment.
Something to work with 
build upon.
Not just one single moment
of anticipation,
solitary fulfillment
and move on.
Can it not be about more moments
more just befores
making each one as unique as the last.
Complacency kills so quickly
familiarity.
Could we creativily be momentary?
Adventure, excitement,
together
in love
Love me.
 
Bliss
X
 
 
I don't know where JH found the poem. It is sexy and sensual and creates in me that very feeling it describes.
I long for that moment just before. Can we hold on to it?
I do not have it to give to anyone else.
 
Bliss
X

Feeling nervy .. and a little bit brainy .... not to mention hormonal

So the sensory detector detects the outside world. An electric pulse or action potential is triggered travelling through the axon and releasing chemicals a the synapse at the end of each dendrite which in turn generates an action potential at the next axon button. The direction is afferent as the signals are being sent to the CNS.
This is the job of the sensory neurons. And all the axons lying along side together are collectively known as the nerve.
I think this is how it works - anybody???????????????

I didn't really learn the detail of this ever before and yet it is familiar nonetheless. I feel stupid not knowing this. Doesn't everyone know this?

Yes apparently I have it right - there are only two linked neurons to the brain - well only two that are linked but goodness knows how many sets of these two there are - oh poop another question - how many are there?

Gosh it's suddenly really overwhelming suddenly realising how many neurons and cells and synapses and ......................................... it's a true miracle that we function at all. And how does it all get decided what shape things will be - like the brain being a sort of cauliflower shape and then there are parts f us that look like intricate leaves or delicate tiny flowers. I am sure the biologists would be horrified to read my descriptions. The cauliflower brain and the flowery bit that i think is in the cerebellum area of the brain. Lots to learn ??? :)

Bloody Hell neurons can range from 1mm to 4ft

So much potential for mis-wirings and mis-firings. We are miracles - delicate and intricate materials - The Universe spent a lot of energy putting us together - and developing all the time - evolution!

 The brain is made of two halves and held together by merely a few fibres - well and the skull of course. The fibres actually are the means of communication between the two halves.
Absolutely amazing!!!
I sort of knew these kind of details but also have not paid too much attention. It's things that I suspect others probably have really absorbed and are just aware of mildly within their background knowledge.









Endocrine system - made up of the hormones of the body.
Sheer brialliance!!


Since the last few years "suffereing" (and it really is at times a suffereing) the effects of hormonal changes in my body I have been absoultley amazed at the power of hormones. And of course when they are not "flowing" with ease for wnat of a better turn of phrase (not a good biologist as you will be reading) the impact on so many things - mental, physical, emotional and probably spiritual.

Absolutement incroyable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ongelofiljk!
he he - how the hell do you pronounce that then?

I had a dream ....... and crazy techno talking

...... about .... oh no its fading fast.
It was something about separating from emotions and functioning on intellect. It all made perfect sense in my dream.
A woman, I don;t recognise her now, was behaving in a way that I could clearly see she wasn't experiencing through emotion. She was saying the right things but I could see she wasn't feeling it. And so I was able to explain it to her and she got it.
I can't remember the detail but at the time I was dreaing it I can remember thinking I must keep this idea as it will explain everything clearly in the Real World. Hmph. It was probably another of those genius ideas in a dream and the reality is nonsense. Anyway I knew I should have written it as soon as I woke up. It was so vivd at that very moment I told myself I would not forget it and immediately started getting on with day to day living. And how fast it's faded.

This is gross advoidance of studying. My eyes are not so fit. And oddly I was reading about muscle deterioartion in the eyes with age. Arrrrggggh! I do not age well. This reconciliation of age and change - I am a long way from acceptance right now.

ML and I had an amusing interaction via FB this morning. Just made me chuckle reading the posts - very silly.
Bliss: Your postings don;t show up on my FB pages? Have you blocked me?
ML: Not intentionally ?? U may have blocked me
Bliss: No I haven't blocked you. It hurts :)
ML: will try another and let me know
Bliss: Nothing yet
ML: and now?
Bliss: nope
Bliss: our funny conversation above - made me chuckle
 
ML: Bliss - can you see this?
Bliss: Can only see by going on your page
ML: weird
Bliss: yup - you blocked me !! :((
ML: ooops.... think i may have blocked lots
Bliss: Oh!
Bliss: Ouch! WIll you unblock me please
Bliss: How did you do it anyway
ML: If you have not seen latest _ I have no idea and it is something you must have done ? U r the secret suirrel after all :-)
Bliss: Ha ha but I have lots of others appearing on my thing - and you said you may have blocked lots. DO you know how?
ML: No idea at all - bar blocking totally. And that is obvious in settings. Di u see my last wall post? And Annie not been on since beginning of Nov so I cannot be sure. Put a normal post on your page and will let u knw if I see it?

Bliss: This is a hello to ML who seems to have blocked me from her FB page and I am crying
ML: likes this..
Bliss: You see it then! So how come I don't see yours? You HATE me - boo hoo
ML: Likes this..
Bliss: Really?
Bliss: giving up - it makes no sense to me - need an expert on FB to fathom this one. Back to studying for me
 


Bliss: Oddly I don't see AMs either unless I go to her pages???/ Have I done something with the settings or something?
ML: I have just been changing mine to overcome your mistake - just typical. Mind u i don't see Annie's either... ???
Bliss: mmmm so maybe it's not me at all
Bliss: I have checked the settings and friends only can see everything
Bliss: do you see my thigns appear on your thing
 
Bliss: Hello AM - I seem not see any of your posts on FB - same with ML so have decided you both secretly hate me - I am paranoid aren't I?
ML: That is a lie - I have done nothing. It must be u? I have evn just had a response from NG and she ia rarely on FB - well not wiv me anyway - ehmm. A bit of a theme going on here ;-0
Bliss: So you can see AM's post?
ML: well yours I think - as I saw that message from you to her
Bliss: oh!
AM: I think the simple explanation would be that I very very very rarely post! xxx
Bliss: ah ha - like simple solutions thanks xxxx
 
Crazy world of techno talks
hahahahahahahahahaha - nuts all of us
Bliss
X

Monday Night Liss

What a lovely meeting. And I realise it's less about the meeting and more about me and my attitude and input.
I haven't attended to my recovery so much in the probably the last 6 months. And now I am refreshing my effort. It's paying off.
JH asked me a little while ago what it is that makes it a good meeting.
Well this evening I shared - I related to a couple of things already said by others and to some things said by the guest chair. I have known her vaguely throughout my recovery and she is a very upbeat and pleasant lady.
There was laughter in the room and I listened to the essence of the person and not the detail of the personality.
There was longevity and nostalgia with that.
There was niceness = just decent people reaching out to each other. Of course there are personalities with all the defects of humanness. But I can focus on the principles and see people just trying to become better people one way or another.
A lady said good bye to me as I left the meeting room this evening. She used my name which was a lovely thing to happen. Made me feel heard. It mattered because I think I am invisible really and actually keep myself that way by trying to shrink into the woodwork.
So tonight I was pro-active.
I had the extraordinary events of Saturday to share which I believe are directly linked to these 10 years I have committed myself to changing. Sometimes working at it flipping hard and at other times flipping out all together.
And it's not been alone. I have had a lot of wonderful friends carrying me at times.

I have faith. I forget sometimes but I do have a very strong faith.
People are unpredictable and unreliable and of course that keeps everything always interesting. But I have faith .............................

Bliss
X

Jesus and the woman of Samaria

Jesus does something that is very dramatic here. When Jesus is discussed in this chapter as having spoken to a Samaritan woman; it’s a shocking concept. In fact in the synoptic gospels, Jesus does something quite surprising. He made the Samaritan the hero of one of His parables- the Good Samaritan. You’ve got to understand how radical this is. It’s like making an Arab the hero to the Jew or the Jew the hero to the Arab in a parable. That would be the same kind of enmity they had.
Even speaking to the woman, He overcomes a number of barriers, as we’re about to see.
In John 4:2, where Jesus wasn’t baptizing but His disciples were, it corrects an inaccuracy in the information that had apparently reached the Pharisees. Here’s what is happening- tremendous hostility as a consequence of Jesus’ growing reputation. Surely when John the Baptist was brought into captivity and then finally executed and Jesus was really getting their attention, He knew then that He also had to keep Himself away. All four gospels express Jesus’ concern to avoid arrest at the hands of the Pharisees before the appointed time. So that’s why it says in John 4:3-4, “He left Judea and went away into Galilee, and He had to pass through Samaria.” I think He went there because it was the shortest route and also there are appointments that take place.
God has divine appointments. He didn’t necessarily leave Judea with any fixed intention of ministering in Samaria, He just planned to pass through but the Spirit will always blow wherever He wishes. True messengers of God are never subject to fixed programs and to prejudices. We need to keep that in mind for ourselves. You don’t know what you’re called to do. You don’t know what ministry you’re going to have and very often your greatest moment might be something that was not planned- something may appear to be an interruption or something that might not seem very productive.

This has been brought to my attention once again. I recall being confused on the first occasion it was brought to my attention.

My heckles go up when I read about the Jews being the chosen ones -  that's how interpret it and have to look deeper into the meaning and the impact on me - somethign for strong contemplation. It's not that I am prejudiced towards a race of people but I read an implication of a "special" race.The special and different attitude.If I am not careful I will be accused of being anti-Semitic and that is far from what I am saying. What I am trying to say is that God is surely not biased or offer preferential anything to anyone person or thing. That perhaps the lessons are spreading slowly slowly around humanity shows that contentment and learning is available to everyone whenever they are ready. And perhaps there were people in Israel who were ready before others but this doesn't mean they are the first and only. And to me the fact that different belief systems were developing over the Earth shows that others were also ready much earlier in our evolutionary development but just in different ways. And that's why I am not considered a Christian I suppose - because I don;t believe in the ONE way or ONE lesson. All the stories from all beliefs systems can resonate clearly with me in different ways. Fundamentally I believe and this is personal that all the belief systems are advocating the same thing - Godliness as a way of being.

I believe that I am working and walking int he direction of Godliness.

So that is one part of the interpretation I have.

Then there is more ... how when the woman realises that she is in the presence of a prophet how she becomes open and interested and is very giving and sharing of her precious water. The very fact that Jesus made her an important person in his travels shows that he was unbiased. No one better or worse than any other. Equality, acceptance, tolerance of others with different struggles.

I also like the reference to never really knowing what any journey will bring and being open to shifts and changes. Going with the flow and something will always occur as a result.

I was very sorry to not be travelling with JH. With really strong longing about it. But since the day I was supposed to leave so many other things have been able to happen. I need to trust that having made a decision for one reason and then questioning the decision on the basis of being confused about how I have been once again very affectionate with JH, well it's all a little muddled really.

And then I read into things once again. I must remember that JH himself agreed that he is not available to be able to fully love me. By that I don;t mean he doesn't love me. He is a very loving person and loves humanity I believe. But he is not available to place his love within a relationship right now to his fullest.

This is an example of him and I travelling on one path so we thought and then things happen to change the trajectory. It is different but no less meaningful.

Not sure where all that came from. And I am sure to forget the essence that I have taken that has brought me acceptance and calm but for this moment it means a lot.

Thank you Universe for bringing this to me again.

The angels work well in bringing signs - I sometimes forget to notice them and even when I notice them I forget to make time to look into them and see what it is I need to learn.

Bliss

xx