About not having opinions. This raises a fine line query for me ....
It seems more peaceful yes not to have opinions on anything because then there is no disagreement. BUT it also seems to me that I would be bland. I think it would be good if I could lose some of the determination I have to make others take on my opinions. And I like it when I can listen and integrate other people's opinions. It's good to be able to have a rounded view
It just seems a lacking in passion and engaging with the world not to have opinions at all.
What do you think?
I have spoken with P this monring and was friendly and pleasant I think. We have arranged to meet for about an hour on 11th March. It's funny you know as I could feel the anger in me. It's one of the days she suggested and I am avaialble too but she has had to organise a meet later that evening as it's the only day someone else can do. I suggested postponing until maybe the following week. I felt a twinge of what it is that frustrates me - I feel controlled! It's all on her terms
I felt angry but I am telling myself it's OK an hour is probably a good amount of time anyway. I can listen to what she has to say and be friendly in that time. And as you said I can decide then how I see my part in the level of contact we have or don't have if that's what she wants too. At the moment I am thinking it will be nice simply to have some settlement around something I don't understand.
I am asking my Higher Power for a lot of help with all this people with people interaction.
I woke up from a horrid dream all about this sort of thing.
I am feeling like I must be a very very horrid person. I have my part in how Simon is not willing to even acknowledge my existence. Angela doesn't talk to me anymore and I think connected wth that Claire has never returned my calls. Then there was Penny and just before that Jacquelynn. I am the common denominator here.
Lillybet can you you enlighten me with anything you see here.
I have thoguht about some things that I think maybe contributing to my part and this will sound horrid and very needy on my part I think.
I wanted Angela to be my sponsor because she was so highly thought of by a crowd of people. I didn't see the bigger picture really. In hindsight I can see how I wanted her to make me a somebody. Angela did help me so much don't get me wrong. She was very gentle and loving with me. The funny thing is I did question but quietly because I didn't think I was anybody to be able to question. There were a number of things that didn't sit comfortably with me but she was so important and I was in the middle of it being with her. I also liked the fact that I was her favourite. Ugh this is painful and ugly to admit. This is step 5 CODA stuff. Do you mind hearing it?
If not don't read on .....
........
And I was aware that Claire was jealous. Now with Claire I was quite intrigued by her wealth ( as I was with Julie when I was in treatment) But more importantly Angela and Simon encourgaed me to be friends with her. Claire and I did get on and we could have a laugh but she didn't have a lot of time for me really. I asked Claire for Angela's number in the first place so that I could enquire about sponsorship. I recognise codependency in Claire at that time anyway and back then I really believe she thought so lowly about herself. And I was right in the middle of it all too. Ugh it feels ugly.
With Jacquelynn to this day I have no idea why she has cut contact. This is not just me as I know she has done the same with someone else too.
With Penny I wanted to make her friendly with me coz other I thought other people were really friendly with her and I would be left out. That is very mean and childish and needy of me. I witnessed things in her that didn't sit comfortably with me either. When I say that I really know it doesn;t mean they are wrong all these people it just means that what's right for them isn't right for me. Not how I want to be and not how I want to interact with people.
Damn! I offered to help a friend in need and she wants the help. It means I will be out for a few hours. I will leave LouLou here I think. Hopefully back by 1pm and then get on with essay.
It's nice to eb able to do something for a friend and I have time to get on with my essay if I put my mind to it when I get back and all of tomorrow. I have cancelled Saturday bell tower thingy and can get on with studying then too. Right off to help a friend in need.
It seems more peaceful yes not to have opinions on anything because then there is no disagreement. BUT it also seems to me that I would be bland. I think it would be good if I could lose some of the determination I have to make others take on my opinions. And I like it when I can listen and integrate other people's opinions. It's good to be able to have a rounded view
It just seems a lacking in passion and engaging with the world not to have opinions at all.
What do you think?
I have spoken with P this monring and was friendly and pleasant I think. We have arranged to meet for about an hour on 11th March. It's funny you know as I could feel the anger in me. It's one of the days she suggested and I am avaialble too but she has had to organise a meet later that evening as it's the only day someone else can do. I suggested postponing until maybe the following week. I felt a twinge of what it is that frustrates me - I feel controlled! It's all on her terms
I felt angry but I am telling myself it's OK an hour is probably a good amount of time anyway. I can listen to what she has to say and be friendly in that time. And as you said I can decide then how I see my part in the level of contact we have or don't have if that's what she wants too. At the moment I am thinking it will be nice simply to have some settlement around something I don't understand.
I am asking my Higher Power for a lot of help with all this people with people interaction.
I woke up from a horrid dream all about this sort of thing.
I am feeling like I must be a very very horrid person. I have my part in how Simon is not willing to even acknowledge my existence. Angela doesn't talk to me anymore and I think connected wth that Claire has never returned my calls. Then there was Penny and just before that Jacquelynn. I am the common denominator here.
Lillybet can you you enlighten me with anything you see here.
I have thoguht about some things that I think maybe contributing to my part and this will sound horrid and very needy on my part I think.
I wanted Angela to be my sponsor because she was so highly thought of by a crowd of people. I didn't see the bigger picture really. In hindsight I can see how I wanted her to make me a somebody. Angela did help me so much don't get me wrong. She was very gentle and loving with me. The funny thing is I did question but quietly because I didn't think I was anybody to be able to question. There were a number of things that didn't sit comfortably with me but she was so important and I was in the middle of it being with her. I also liked the fact that I was her favourite. Ugh this is painful and ugly to admit. This is step 5 CODA stuff. Do you mind hearing it?
If not don't read on .....
........
And I was aware that Claire was jealous. Now with Claire I was quite intrigued by her wealth ( as I was with Julie when I was in treatment) But more importantly Angela and Simon encourgaed me to be friends with her. Claire and I did get on and we could have a laugh but she didn't have a lot of time for me really. I asked Claire for Angela's number in the first place so that I could enquire about sponsorship. I recognise codependency in Claire at that time anyway and back then I really believe she thought so lowly about herself. And I was right in the middle of it all too. Ugh it feels ugly.
With Jacquelynn to this day I have no idea why she has cut contact. This is not just me as I know she has done the same with someone else too.
With Penny I wanted to make her friendly with me coz other I thought other people were really friendly with her and I would be left out. That is very mean and childish and needy of me. I witnessed things in her that didn't sit comfortably with me either. When I say that I really know it doesn;t mean they are wrong all these people it just means that what's right for them isn't right for me. Not how I want to be and not how I want to interact with people.
Damn! I offered to help a friend in need and she wants the help. It means I will be out for a few hours. I will leave LouLou here I think. Hopefully back by 1pm and then get on with essay.
It's nice to eb able to do something for a friend and I have time to get on with my essay if I put my mind to it when I get back and all of tomorrow. I have cancelled Saturday bell tower thingy and can get on with studying then too. Right off to help a friend in need.
