I keep having this feeling of utter incredulity. There is a sense of something washing over me as if there's something lurking in the depths of my brain and then it comes to the fore.
This is as a result of the reading of my fathers will yesterday.
I arrived at the solicitors with G and was met with the usual frosty reception that only T can give. She is a mean-hearted woman I think. She refused to allow G to come into the reading. I complained but the solicitor explained that as T was the executor of the will (gasp and horror!) she had the right to say who could and could not attend. So I had to comply and G had to wait outside. I said "thanks for nothing". I could not keep that bit of my thought quiet. Anyhow I'm no saint.
The solicitor said there was nothing to read as my father had left EVERYTHING to his wife.
EVERYTHING!!!!
There was not even a mention of my name. There was then the business for the solicitor to sort out with T and so I left.
I am incredulous. And it is taking some time to truly sink in.
I somewhat expected it but didn't really believe my expectation could possibly be real. It is unbelievable.
The man who has treated me so horribly for as long as I can remember. The man who created hell for my mum. The man who sexually abused me. The man who phoned me around Christmas saying "I love you and wish you well for the future". The man who has kept in contact at least occasionally over the past 11 and a half years.
I am very very confused. I do not understand why he bothered. But this is based on me believing that my dad hated me. I cannot seperate it out from anything personal as I truly believe he would have thought it was personal. I know intellectually it's not personal. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Wasn't that what Jesus was reported to say as he was condemned to the cross until his death.
I can forgive my father at that level and I can forgive myself for my own bad behaviours in the same vain. I did not have control and now I am more spiritually learned I can see clearer. I still have a lot of blame and anger towards my father but when I stop to take another look at it, I have caused a lot of grief in the past for a number of people. My parents got the brunt of it I suppose.
And there it is again that sudden wash over of incredulity. It is such a horrid feeling.
There's a little of me that thinks nooooo this hasn't actually happened and it's all going to be sorted out. But it's not. T gets the lot and when she dies her daughters will get what's left. And I doubt she has long in actual fact. She looks very unwell but not as pathetically ill as she was looking when my dad was dying.
My father is dead. And he disinherited me. My poor mum. He earnt money and worked hard for it but it was my mum who really made the money work for them. And he didn't consider me at all. I guess he really did not think I was worthy of him or his money.
How incredibly strange, hurtful, mean, and as PD said despicable. G called him a f....ing c u next Tuesday. I am angry and also not so angry. I am upset. I am disappointed as I really did have ideas for spending the money to create some security for myself.
I felt so greedy thinking that way. There was a part of me that kept in contact with him to inherit. What a waste of all the hurt and pain that was but if I hadn't I would never have known.
There's a lot more I could write. But actually I feel tired. I have emoted through self pity, anger, fury, confusion, emotional hurt, disbelief, bemusement, shock, but not surprised. Oh and more.
I really have to go to bed. I'm so very tired.
G has been yet again a rock even when he says he is not. He's been a lot more relaxed since I have been less demanding and more acceptant about him being who he is and choosing who he wants to be friends.
I feel very blessed. I have no money but wow I have such wealth in many other ways.
It's time to leave the dreary though. That's something else to write about at another time
Bliss
XXX
This is as a result of the reading of my fathers will yesterday.
I arrived at the solicitors with G and was met with the usual frosty reception that only T can give. She is a mean-hearted woman I think. She refused to allow G to come into the reading. I complained but the solicitor explained that as T was the executor of the will (gasp and horror!) she had the right to say who could and could not attend. So I had to comply and G had to wait outside. I said "thanks for nothing". I could not keep that bit of my thought quiet. Anyhow I'm no saint.
The solicitor said there was nothing to read as my father had left EVERYTHING to his wife.
EVERYTHING!!!!
There was not even a mention of my name. There was then the business for the solicitor to sort out with T and so I left.
I am incredulous. And it is taking some time to truly sink in.
I somewhat expected it but didn't really believe my expectation could possibly be real. It is unbelievable.
The man who has treated me so horribly for as long as I can remember. The man who created hell for my mum. The man who sexually abused me. The man who phoned me around Christmas saying "I love you and wish you well for the future". The man who has kept in contact at least occasionally over the past 11 and a half years.
I am very very confused. I do not understand why he bothered. But this is based on me believing that my dad hated me. I cannot seperate it out from anything personal as I truly believe he would have thought it was personal. I know intellectually it's not personal. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Wasn't that what Jesus was reported to say as he was condemned to the cross until his death.
I can forgive my father at that level and I can forgive myself for my own bad behaviours in the same vain. I did not have control and now I am more spiritually learned I can see clearer. I still have a lot of blame and anger towards my father but when I stop to take another look at it, I have caused a lot of grief in the past for a number of people. My parents got the brunt of it I suppose.
And there it is again that sudden wash over of incredulity. It is such a horrid feeling.
There's a little of me that thinks nooooo this hasn't actually happened and it's all going to be sorted out. But it's not. T gets the lot and when she dies her daughters will get what's left. And I doubt she has long in actual fact. She looks very unwell but not as pathetically ill as she was looking when my dad was dying.
My father is dead. And he disinherited me. My poor mum. He earnt money and worked hard for it but it was my mum who really made the money work for them. And he didn't consider me at all. I guess he really did not think I was worthy of him or his money.
How incredibly strange, hurtful, mean, and as PD said despicable. G called him a f....ing c u next Tuesday. I am angry and also not so angry. I am upset. I am disappointed as I really did have ideas for spending the money to create some security for myself.
I felt so greedy thinking that way. There was a part of me that kept in contact with him to inherit. What a waste of all the hurt and pain that was but if I hadn't I would never have known.
There's a lot more I could write. But actually I feel tired. I have emoted through self pity, anger, fury, confusion, emotional hurt, disbelief, bemusement, shock, but not surprised. Oh and more.
I really have to go to bed. I'm so very tired.
G has been yet again a rock even when he says he is not. He's been a lot more relaxed since I have been less demanding and more acceptant about him being who he is and choosing who he wants to be friends.
I feel very blessed. I have no money but wow I have such wealth in many other ways.
It's time to leave the dreary though. That's something else to write about at another time
Bliss
XXX
