I tried to stay conscious today - to experiencve wverything as it was happening today, my last day working at N. "They" manager and secretary had organised a bloody team meeting. I know that it was arranged like this to coordinate with a meagre attempt at saying goodbye to me but honestly sitting for over 3 hours to things that no longer apply to me was very difficult. I chipped in a couple of times because despoite the things I find difficult about the service I am very passionate about the valuable job we have been doing.
He he he, I had told my co-worker that I wanted an ink pen if by chance they were thinking of getting me a leaving present. Well I really was horrified at the last leaving present - an engrave vase. Just not me at all. Luckily for me I have since learnt from D (co-worker) they ran out of time to get the pen engrvaed. I will think fondly of a couple fo the people L and D especially every time I use my very nice pen. Thanks everyone.
It seems so - mmmm - what does it seem so - so nothingish. One minute I was a working colleague and then within minutes I was history and everyone gets on with their job and the rest of their lives and I am already a memory. It feels very sad.
I haven't of course managed to stay present all day and experience teh thoguhts and feelings as they have happened. It still feels very much as if a apart of me hasn;t caught up with events. perhaps this is the way my soul deals with the very delicate balance within me - I am so so sensitive to change.
There is also a sense of passing of time .... N has been a consistent thread over the past 3 years. A lot of people have gone - Russell - S, J, a relationship with J, and other people have come and gone. Some places have been and gone C, Hampshire, Spain, H, Surrey. And situations have been traversed - such as starting my degree, sorting out somewhere to live, taking on greater responsibility for areas of my life, seeing S and working out some issues and so on. All through this N has been there in the background providing me with something constant. On my way home I had a real need to speak to someone who is around in my life. I need to hear the sound of stability if that makes sense. I called J - I think he got it slightly but then went off on his own tangent he often does. That's OK - it's interesting hearing someone else's take as well.
When my mum was alive I now realise that she provided that anchor that meant I could flit around, make impulsive decisions ( which might involve terrible mistakes). I changed jobs, partners, homes, personality and so on with the wind. I could because she was always there. She was the thread that ran through everything. Now she is dead I am the one who has to be my own consistent grown up. That feels so uncertain - after all I was the pne making the messes. The littel girl in me doesn't trust me to take care of me. I feel incapable of being the grown up - or rather I don't want to have to be the grown up.
I so so so mis mum. And this change today has aroused all these losses and sadnesses too.
Gosh no wonder there is a need to escape emotions - they are bloody piercing and so deep and intense.
I am tired.
I asked two of my colleagues to tell me three things they have found good about working with me three things they found difficult. Very interesting an I appreciate their willingness and honesty......
D gave me a lovey lovely list of positives. Her negative was that she thought at times I could be quite tough on new clients, giving them the hard line stuff straight away, wheras she would prefer to develop a trusting relationship with the clients before hitting them with that kidn of information. J said that he found my rigidity (harsh word I thought) both unhelpful and helpful. He said that being such the extreme opposite he found it really helpful to be able to take on some of the systems etc that I emply but at the same time he found it difficult.
Both had such valid comments and I am not surprised to hear those things. think it took so muchy out of them to tell me their difficulties that they couldn;t think of more. The positives, included that i am fun with a good sense of humour, encouraging and hard working. I am supportive and a good listener, open and honest. There were more. D took it so seriously she had written things down for me which I will stick in my journal. J did it there and then on the spot.
D asked me to do the same for her which i did.
It' all helpful feedback and enables me to continie to work on myself. Of course I hate hearing the criticism - just as hard hearing the positives and have to bracve myself for the difficulties and just listen without justification. I thanked them both and explained that it would assist me with my self development. K the other day happened to mention how he had noticed how controlling I am - I am such a bloody perfectionist.
Ugh I really would like for this to be removed. I trust that with my ongoing self-work it will diminish.
Phew I am working towards freedom, littel by little. I realise that the total freedom is when I am happy with myself and that I am OK just as I am, just where I am and with everything I need being available t e right at that moment. I understand it more and more - I just get in my own way - fear!
Phew I am tired.
My foot aches and I keep getting a pain up my leg.Of course with my paranoia I think it is something deadly.
Oh and whilst out last night celebrating A's birthday I got a severe headache. If elt nauseous and sick. I thought it was goin g to be this horrid hormonal migraine again. I was so worried that i think it was contributing to the headache. Thankfully the Paracetemol kept it at bay - I eventually got home to bed and slept well. I did get the occasional moment of giddiness and nausia today but I think it's gone now. Thank goodness.
I would not want what I tried to endure a few weeks ago again.
He he he, I had told my co-worker that I wanted an ink pen if by chance they were thinking of getting me a leaving present. Well I really was horrified at the last leaving present - an engrave vase. Just not me at all. Luckily for me I have since learnt from D (co-worker) they ran out of time to get the pen engrvaed. I will think fondly of a couple fo the people L and D especially every time I use my very nice pen. Thanks everyone.
It seems so - mmmm - what does it seem so - so nothingish. One minute I was a working colleague and then within minutes I was history and everyone gets on with their job and the rest of their lives and I am already a memory. It feels very sad.
I haven't of course managed to stay present all day and experience teh thoguhts and feelings as they have happened. It still feels very much as if a apart of me hasn;t caught up with events. perhaps this is the way my soul deals with the very delicate balance within me - I am so so sensitive to change.
There is also a sense of passing of time .... N has been a consistent thread over the past 3 years. A lot of people have gone - Russell - S, J, a relationship with J, and other people have come and gone. Some places have been and gone C, Hampshire, Spain, H, Surrey. And situations have been traversed - such as starting my degree, sorting out somewhere to live, taking on greater responsibility for areas of my life, seeing S and working out some issues and so on. All through this N has been there in the background providing me with something constant. On my way home I had a real need to speak to someone who is around in my life. I need to hear the sound of stability if that makes sense. I called J - I think he got it slightly but then went off on his own tangent he often does. That's OK - it's interesting hearing someone else's take as well.
When my mum was alive I now realise that she provided that anchor that meant I could flit around, make impulsive decisions ( which might involve terrible mistakes). I changed jobs, partners, homes, personality and so on with the wind. I could because she was always there. She was the thread that ran through everything. Now she is dead I am the one who has to be my own consistent grown up. That feels so uncertain - after all I was the pne making the messes. The littel girl in me doesn't trust me to take care of me. I feel incapable of being the grown up - or rather I don't want to have to be the grown up.
I so so so mis mum. And this change today has aroused all these losses and sadnesses too.
Gosh no wonder there is a need to escape emotions - they are bloody piercing and so deep and intense.
I am tired.
I asked two of my colleagues to tell me three things they have found good about working with me three things they found difficult. Very interesting an I appreciate their willingness and honesty......
D gave me a lovey lovely list of positives. Her negative was that she thought at times I could be quite tough on new clients, giving them the hard line stuff straight away, wheras she would prefer to develop a trusting relationship with the clients before hitting them with that kidn of information. J said that he found my rigidity (harsh word I thought) both unhelpful and helpful. He said that being such the extreme opposite he found it really helpful to be able to take on some of the systems etc that I emply but at the same time he found it difficult.
Both had such valid comments and I am not surprised to hear those things. think it took so muchy out of them to tell me their difficulties that they couldn;t think of more. The positives, included that i am fun with a good sense of humour, encouraging and hard working. I am supportive and a good listener, open and honest. There were more. D took it so seriously she had written things down for me which I will stick in my journal. J did it there and then on the spot.
D asked me to do the same for her which i did.
It' all helpful feedback and enables me to continie to work on myself. Of course I hate hearing the criticism - just as hard hearing the positives and have to bracve myself for the difficulties and just listen without justification. I thanked them both and explained that it would assist me with my self development. K the other day happened to mention how he had noticed how controlling I am - I am such a bloody perfectionist.
Ugh I really would like for this to be removed. I trust that with my ongoing self-work it will diminish.
Phew I am working towards freedom, littel by little. I realise that the total freedom is when I am happy with myself and that I am OK just as I am, just where I am and with everything I need being available t e right at that moment. I understand it more and more - I just get in my own way - fear!
Phew I am tired.
My foot aches and I keep getting a pain up my leg.Of course with my paranoia I think it is something deadly.
Oh and whilst out last night celebrating A's birthday I got a severe headache. If elt nauseous and sick. I thought it was goin g to be this horrid hormonal migraine again. I was so worried that i think it was contributing to the headache. Thankfully the Paracetemol kept it at bay - I eventually got home to bed and slept well. I did get the occasional moment of giddiness and nausia today but I think it's gone now. Thank goodness.
I would not want what I tried to endure a few weeks ago again.
