I AM so relaxed. I AM in the right place today. Can you believe it? The sun is shining this morning. So far we have been pretty lucky with the sun the being out occasionally. Amazingly so when packing up the care from the yurt. It had rained all through the night. I wished I had recorded the sound on the canvas. I will post any photos I have once I get home as I've forgotten the connecting cable. Oh I may be able to download from the disk. I'll try later.
Things I've noticed is how I react to T needing to do things for herself, there and then! Whatever anyone else is doing. My first thought is that she is thoughtless of others and selfish. But in reality she just wants to d what she wants to do. Of course I realise there are times when she hasn't heard or understood everything that's been said and I get a little arsey. I am keeping my mouth closed. And this is where I'm not so clear yet where the balance for me is. When do I keep my mouth closed and when do I say where something is actually inappropriate. Like the incident with L and the stapler. Have I written about that?
Well on Friday at work ... yes work is still on my mind but already changing .. I was sitting on the computer writing my notes. L had already been having a "bad" day. S and I had returned from the Process Group to listen to her troubles, she even cried. L appears very stressed. We tried to encourage her to go home as she was also talking about ill she has been feeling, etc, etc. I suggested she took an hour out just to have a break. No, no, no. I recognised myself. All the problems in the world but wanting to stay I the problems and huff and puff. Interesting because I often think it's because no one is hearing me so I have to insist and even exaggerate the problem. But it's me. It's anger I suspect and a need for attention of some sort even. That's what it seemed like. Just lots of huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning but not wanting to take any of the good suggestions S and I had for her. Anyway, it was after all of that I started working on the comp and stepped aside. I had already realised the futility of suggestions and it was starting to seem as if we were being sucked in by even making different suggestions, one after another. So I had my back to the scenario and quietened. We had been criticised of course for the way we had done group. But L is having to step aside from the clinical work simply because she really has so much of her own work to do. And staying to 10 or 11 each evening its taking it's toll. She seems to me to burning herself out. Anyway, distraction, distraction. I had my back to the office when L said "I want to throw something". There was a tone in her voice that was jokey. Or so I thought. Maybe it was actually destructive, I can't be sure but in the next instant she said, "like this" and suddenly there was a loud BANG! as she had thrown a metal stapler across the room with such voracity that it really banged against the cupboard door next to me. S was shouting and said she was leaving the office. It interested me that despite this I carried on. As if it would all go away if I just stayed still and acted as if I was affected. It was so inappropriate. I wanted to say "now that's inappropriate". It was!
I wonder if it was light-hearted and wanting to express her frustrations and not vicious. Although I do see a vicious side to her. It was difficult to read. I think she has ideas that she thinks would be clever to act out on but I am relating to that to me. It's as if I have an idea and because I think it's funny or wild then others will too. Often there has been impropriety in my behaviour and I've been quite ashamed of my behaviour then. I was interested in my reaction. As the impact of it hit me afterwards and then spent days telling people over and over again. And emphasising how crazy I thought her behaviour was. I seemed to need it as a vindication of my own thoughts about her. A real example of how dreadful she can be. I don't mean to neglect the generosity of L and how she has introduced some great ideas and her frankness with family members involved with the addicts. It's as if she's furious with the addicts unless she can take them under her wing and influence them. I so disagree with that you see. Wanting to control.
Anyway surely this is out of my system. It is really because I feel as if I'm writing it purely for the fact it needs to be noted as a point of something that happened and not because I am working through it anymore. I'm bored of it. Just to finish though, lots of people I've recounted the event to have strongly suggested I should report it. Well I'm on holiday and S had said that she would probably report it. I would back her up 100 per cent but it's actually good for me to stand back and not be the hero of the day or the saviour of the team. It was wrong, that was clear from S's and everyone elses reaction. I wasn't sure of that. I don't want to over react and I'm not sure of that boundary within me as I can be over dramatic (histrionic would be the psychiatric label given to me) so stepping aside and observing has already been useful in seeing this unknown in me.
So Sunday morning came. T seemed to have misunderstood the intended collection time at the station.A part of me wondered if this was her stubbornness. I think I identify that. She just does it her way regardless without talking about what she thinks and feels. And probably my suspicion is aroused by something about the way I can respond to things I don't like so much. Anyway they arrived and once we have managed to get everything squidged into the mini, off we set towards Bath. We arrived in good time to sit in Holbourne House car park and eat our lunches. We had all prepared them in our little boxes. And then into Holbourne House. M and I walked about and commented on the portrait sculptures. T was in pain, something she's been experiencing more and more in her thigh. So she took herself off without having really engaged with the exhibition. She had commented already that she isn't so interested in portraits.
I enjoyed it. Again things I've never considered before were highlighted to me. There were ancient pieces from Greece and Rome, there was a waxwork of Henry Moore. I found this quite sad really as in his own work he had been sculpting portraits but the article there was commenting on the fact that he seemed to veer away from precise reconstructions of a person or body, instead creating a representative form. And yet here he was, precisely recreated in wax. It was eerie and to be able to get close up to the wax work was interesting.
Back to T taking herself off to sit. It was good for me not to succumb to that. I have a sort of irritation when someone is unwell and not wanting to do something, as if they are controlling me somehow. Getting their own way without actually saying they don't want to do this or that. It is difficult to read T for me. perhaps I just need to ask more questions. For instance just this moment I said I hope you don't think me rude but I'm just doing my writing before I take a shower. Her reaction was to simply ask a question about it. But she has got herself a magazine and sitting eating her breakfast silently reading and I think she must be fed up with me/us both doing something quietly to ourselves.
Gosh I over think things. I think .... we're on holiday I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to record the events of the last few days as I recall them because it changes as time passes.
So after the gallery we set off to the campsite. The yurt was pleasantly large and OK. There were snails and spiders. Yuch! And it was flipping cold. We dumped some of ur bedding things in there and after a short while headed back into Bath in search of methylated spirits for M's burner and gas for my little stove. We found neither but in the end we did what? We.......... uhmmmm. Memory blank. Oh yes we returned to Bath and did a torchlit tour of the Roman baths. It was very interesting. I remember visiting many years ago and not really engaging with the whole thing. The age of it, the reality of it. Here we were standing amongst structures that were over 2000 years old. The Romans had discovered this natural hot spring and turned it into something to indulge their self care and pleasure. It was quite incredible. I guess they built the structures and then channelled the waters. The taste of it was pleasant but not either.
I realise I can look at many things without actually taking in the full meaning it has. When in Egypt I did get myself transported back 4000 years and I attempted to do that whilst in the Roman baths. Try to make it come to live as it was. It was difficult because I didn't want to share that with the other two in case they thought thoughts about. And also the way it's been restructured for the sake of tourism is a killer of the reality. However, I could see some of it without the need for the corny films. Listening to Bill Bryson's commentary was reasonably useful although again I realised I didn't listen to the content just the sound because I thought I should. How strange I can be.
Back to the yurt, we lit a camp fire. I was very, very dozy. When did we eat our dinners. I can't remember now. I think we may have eaten it before the torchlit (rather over hyped and under phenomenal) tour through the baths.
I fell asleep in front of the fire. The air bed I'd invested in was worth it. T and I shared. I did get cold and woke up a lot through the night, trying to wrap myself deeper into my sleeping bag. Eeeek the thought of slugs and spiders and beetles and snails was appalling. I'm ever so glad I didn't need to walk to the loos. Although often my reason for that is that they are not very nice to be in. The facilities at this camp were in fact very good. It was rustic and natural and woody. I liked it.
Monday - M's birthday. I got the pressies from the car. M deliberated and delayed and chatted. It seemed anything other than open her pressies. She did say that she felt embarrassed and liked opening her presents on her own. I remembered that she has said before that her face shows her disappointment. So what? Isn't that the truth. It's something to be grateful for that people give gifts but it doesn't mean the gift has to be liked. I had bought her something she had asked for and a little notebook that was not cheap but not supposed to be a wow type present. I have also bought a canvas of street art connected with the Olympics. A sort of maker of her 43rd birthday in the year of the Olympics. Oh the book she'd asked for was sort of a graduation and birthday all in one. I hope it will assist M achieve her dreams of being a writer and filmmaker etc. She wants to create. I believe she has it in her to do and gradually see her getting there. Yes I am a little jealous. I want it for her more than anything, for her to achieve her dreams and I pray for that for her. I would want something lovely for myself but I want so many different thins, I'm too diverse in a way. I see that I'm interested in so many things, I can diversify which in itself is good. There isn't enough time in the world though to pursue my interests the the degree I am interested. I get quite intense and only then feel satisfied that I am learning and growing in the interest. Interesting ha ha ha ha!
We had lunch for M's birthday at the Pump Room, attached to the Roman Baths and the room built in the 1700's for people to receive the waters, believed to be healing of course. But people were dissatisfied with the facilities because nothing was there for the time when the water started to work i.e. toilets as the emptying process began. I took two cups of the water the evening before and aside from feeling a very soft mouth, I don't think it helped in any emptying out for me.
So after lunch we walked around Bath Abbey. Beautiful. We had found a fantastic book shop. M saw a book created by Ron can't remember his surname, but she knows him very well. M talks about lots of her contacts as she visits places. Sometimes I am jealous but I am beginning to adjust my thoughts. This is her background and her reasons for mentioning these things I don't know but can often result in the person talking with us about other interesting things and leads on to more and more. I rarely do that as it feels as if there is some boasting going on from me. I think I've often thought my mum and dad were boasting. I know my dad hated my mum striking up any conversations or connections. All peculiar. I keep things to myself. Where is the fine line of balance? I am still questioning all of this.
Anyway we left Bath and travelled probably less than an hour to Abergavenny. After shopping for food provisions we arrived in Hen-ty. It's a lovely cottage. Spacious and charming. Part of an old farm, the husband's family farm. It's warm with the wood burner burning. It's very livable. I like the fact that I don't have my clutter around me and so it's clean and tidy. I need to de-clutter. But then there are things to have and to keep. I see things for sale now that I've actually de-cluttered int he past and they are worthy. I feel bereft often when I think of things I've given away or thrown away. Now they are collectibles and appreciated. I liked them but didn't value them.
After a Tarot reading for T in which I see a struggle and wanting things her way, I dozed in front of the wood burner and the voices of T and M fading into the distance. I literally crawled to bed I was so tired. And for the first time in a while I felt warm.
There was one thing that was dubious about my food. As I hadn't had my yoghurt at lunchtime I had it in the evening and with lots of pear even though I was cutting away lots of bruised and horrible bits. It was probably more than one pear. Right now I am not inclined to tell my sponsor. Why? Because I don't want to go back to day 1 of 90. I don't think it's necessary. I certainly realised the absolute importance of not being influenced by other people partly doing the programme of FA. The belligerence in a way is how I see it. Someone who disrespects rules. It's not even being wild and carefree it's arrogance. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else is doing. I know this food programme is working for me.
I feel the right size to be able to allow myself to be on holiday. That may mean nothing to anyone else. But I do feel as if I'm in the right body. I an wear my clothes comfortably and with ease. All I have to do is eat my abstinent food and keep the addict in me from the desires. Those desires are my limitations for sure.
Oh I missed my AWOL. I made that decisions and even though I was scared of being judged by B, I told her I made that decision. I already had before we left for Bath on Sunday. I was glad t get honest about that.
So off the shower ready for the day ahead. Tomorrow I need to make my call whilst out walking int eh morning glory. I hope it is morning glory but M will lend me her key sot hat I can sit in the car if it's raining. Then I can be freer to say what's actually on my mind.
Mind ramblings from a holiday trip with friends even when I have unfriendly judgemental thoughts.
Bliss
XX
Things I've noticed is how I react to T needing to do things for herself, there and then! Whatever anyone else is doing. My first thought is that she is thoughtless of others and selfish. But in reality she just wants to d what she wants to do. Of course I realise there are times when she hasn't heard or understood everything that's been said and I get a little arsey. I am keeping my mouth closed. And this is where I'm not so clear yet where the balance for me is. When do I keep my mouth closed and when do I say where something is actually inappropriate. Like the incident with L and the stapler. Have I written about that?
Well on Friday at work ... yes work is still on my mind but already changing .. I was sitting on the computer writing my notes. L had already been having a "bad" day. S and I had returned from the Process Group to listen to her troubles, she even cried. L appears very stressed. We tried to encourage her to go home as she was also talking about ill she has been feeling, etc, etc. I suggested she took an hour out just to have a break. No, no, no. I recognised myself. All the problems in the world but wanting to stay I the problems and huff and puff. Interesting because I often think it's because no one is hearing me so I have to insist and even exaggerate the problem. But it's me. It's anger I suspect and a need for attention of some sort even. That's what it seemed like. Just lots of huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning but not wanting to take any of the good suggestions S and I had for her. Anyway, it was after all of that I started working on the comp and stepped aside. I had already realised the futility of suggestions and it was starting to seem as if we were being sucked in by even making different suggestions, one after another. So I had my back to the scenario and quietened. We had been criticised of course for the way we had done group. But L is having to step aside from the clinical work simply because she really has so much of her own work to do. And staying to 10 or 11 each evening its taking it's toll. She seems to me to burning herself out. Anyway, distraction, distraction. I had my back to the office when L said "I want to throw something". There was a tone in her voice that was jokey. Or so I thought. Maybe it was actually destructive, I can't be sure but in the next instant she said, "like this" and suddenly there was a loud BANG! as she had thrown a metal stapler across the room with such voracity that it really banged against the cupboard door next to me. S was shouting and said she was leaving the office. It interested me that despite this I carried on. As if it would all go away if I just stayed still and acted as if I was affected. It was so inappropriate. I wanted to say "now that's inappropriate". It was!
I wonder if it was light-hearted and wanting to express her frustrations and not vicious. Although I do see a vicious side to her. It was difficult to read. I think she has ideas that she thinks would be clever to act out on but I am relating to that to me. It's as if I have an idea and because I think it's funny or wild then others will too. Often there has been impropriety in my behaviour and I've been quite ashamed of my behaviour then. I was interested in my reaction. As the impact of it hit me afterwards and then spent days telling people over and over again. And emphasising how crazy I thought her behaviour was. I seemed to need it as a vindication of my own thoughts about her. A real example of how dreadful she can be. I don't mean to neglect the generosity of L and how she has introduced some great ideas and her frankness with family members involved with the addicts. It's as if she's furious with the addicts unless she can take them under her wing and influence them. I so disagree with that you see. Wanting to control.
Anyway surely this is out of my system. It is really because I feel as if I'm writing it purely for the fact it needs to be noted as a point of something that happened and not because I am working through it anymore. I'm bored of it. Just to finish though, lots of people I've recounted the event to have strongly suggested I should report it. Well I'm on holiday and S had said that she would probably report it. I would back her up 100 per cent but it's actually good for me to stand back and not be the hero of the day or the saviour of the team. It was wrong, that was clear from S's and everyone elses reaction. I wasn't sure of that. I don't want to over react and I'm not sure of that boundary within me as I can be over dramatic (histrionic would be the psychiatric label given to me) so stepping aside and observing has already been useful in seeing this unknown in me.
So Sunday morning came. T seemed to have misunderstood the intended collection time at the station.A part of me wondered if this was her stubbornness. I think I identify that. She just does it her way regardless without talking about what she thinks and feels. And probably my suspicion is aroused by something about the way I can respond to things I don't like so much. Anyway they arrived and once we have managed to get everything squidged into the mini, off we set towards Bath. We arrived in good time to sit in Holbourne House car park and eat our lunches. We had all prepared them in our little boxes. And then into Holbourne House. M and I walked about and commented on the portrait sculptures. T was in pain, something she's been experiencing more and more in her thigh. So she took herself off without having really engaged with the exhibition. She had commented already that she isn't so interested in portraits.
I enjoyed it. Again things I've never considered before were highlighted to me. There were ancient pieces from Greece and Rome, there was a waxwork of Henry Moore. I found this quite sad really as in his own work he had been sculpting portraits but the article there was commenting on the fact that he seemed to veer away from precise reconstructions of a person or body, instead creating a representative form. And yet here he was, precisely recreated in wax. It was eerie and to be able to get close up to the wax work was interesting.
Back to T taking herself off to sit. It was good for me not to succumb to that. I have a sort of irritation when someone is unwell and not wanting to do something, as if they are controlling me somehow. Getting their own way without actually saying they don't want to do this or that. It is difficult to read T for me. perhaps I just need to ask more questions. For instance just this moment I said I hope you don't think me rude but I'm just doing my writing before I take a shower. Her reaction was to simply ask a question about it. But she has got herself a magazine and sitting eating her breakfast silently reading and I think she must be fed up with me/us both doing something quietly to ourselves.
Gosh I over think things. I think .... we're on holiday I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to record the events of the last few days as I recall them because it changes as time passes.
So after the gallery we set off to the campsite. The yurt was pleasantly large and OK. There were snails and spiders. Yuch! And it was flipping cold. We dumped some of ur bedding things in there and after a short while headed back into Bath in search of methylated spirits for M's burner and gas for my little stove. We found neither but in the end we did what? We.......... uhmmmm. Memory blank. Oh yes we returned to Bath and did a torchlit tour of the Roman baths. It was very interesting. I remember visiting many years ago and not really engaging with the whole thing. The age of it, the reality of it. Here we were standing amongst structures that were over 2000 years old. The Romans had discovered this natural hot spring and turned it into something to indulge their self care and pleasure. It was quite incredible. I guess they built the structures and then channelled the waters. The taste of it was pleasant but not either.
I realise I can look at many things without actually taking in the full meaning it has. When in Egypt I did get myself transported back 4000 years and I attempted to do that whilst in the Roman baths. Try to make it come to live as it was. It was difficult because I didn't want to share that with the other two in case they thought thoughts about. And also the way it's been restructured for the sake of tourism is a killer of the reality. However, I could see some of it without the need for the corny films. Listening to Bill Bryson's commentary was reasonably useful although again I realised I didn't listen to the content just the sound because I thought I should. How strange I can be.
Back to the yurt, we lit a camp fire. I was very, very dozy. When did we eat our dinners. I can't remember now. I think we may have eaten it before the torchlit (rather over hyped and under phenomenal) tour through the baths.
I fell asleep in front of the fire. The air bed I'd invested in was worth it. T and I shared. I did get cold and woke up a lot through the night, trying to wrap myself deeper into my sleeping bag. Eeeek the thought of slugs and spiders and beetles and snails was appalling. I'm ever so glad I didn't need to walk to the loos. Although often my reason for that is that they are not very nice to be in. The facilities at this camp were in fact very good. It was rustic and natural and woody. I liked it.
Monday - M's birthday. I got the pressies from the car. M deliberated and delayed and chatted. It seemed anything other than open her pressies. She did say that she felt embarrassed and liked opening her presents on her own. I remembered that she has said before that her face shows her disappointment. So what? Isn't that the truth. It's something to be grateful for that people give gifts but it doesn't mean the gift has to be liked. I had bought her something she had asked for and a little notebook that was not cheap but not supposed to be a wow type present. I have also bought a canvas of street art connected with the Olympics. A sort of maker of her 43rd birthday in the year of the Olympics. Oh the book she'd asked for was sort of a graduation and birthday all in one. I hope it will assist M achieve her dreams of being a writer and filmmaker etc. She wants to create. I believe she has it in her to do and gradually see her getting there. Yes I am a little jealous. I want it for her more than anything, for her to achieve her dreams and I pray for that for her. I would want something lovely for myself but I want so many different thins, I'm too diverse in a way. I see that I'm interested in so many things, I can diversify which in itself is good. There isn't enough time in the world though to pursue my interests the the degree I am interested. I get quite intense and only then feel satisfied that I am learning and growing in the interest. Interesting ha ha ha ha!
We had lunch for M's birthday at the Pump Room, attached to the Roman Baths and the room built in the 1700's for people to receive the waters, believed to be healing of course. But people were dissatisfied with the facilities because nothing was there for the time when the water started to work i.e. toilets as the emptying process began. I took two cups of the water the evening before and aside from feeling a very soft mouth, I don't think it helped in any emptying out for me.
So after lunch we walked around Bath Abbey. Beautiful. We had found a fantastic book shop. M saw a book created by Ron can't remember his surname, but she knows him very well. M talks about lots of her contacts as she visits places. Sometimes I am jealous but I am beginning to adjust my thoughts. This is her background and her reasons for mentioning these things I don't know but can often result in the person talking with us about other interesting things and leads on to more and more. I rarely do that as it feels as if there is some boasting going on from me. I think I've often thought my mum and dad were boasting. I know my dad hated my mum striking up any conversations or connections. All peculiar. I keep things to myself. Where is the fine line of balance? I am still questioning all of this.
Anyway we left Bath and travelled probably less than an hour to Abergavenny. After shopping for food provisions we arrived in Hen-ty. It's a lovely cottage. Spacious and charming. Part of an old farm, the husband's family farm. It's warm with the wood burner burning. It's very livable. I like the fact that I don't have my clutter around me and so it's clean and tidy. I need to de-clutter. But then there are things to have and to keep. I see things for sale now that I've actually de-cluttered int he past and they are worthy. I feel bereft often when I think of things I've given away or thrown away. Now they are collectibles and appreciated. I liked them but didn't value them.
After a Tarot reading for T in which I see a struggle and wanting things her way, I dozed in front of the wood burner and the voices of T and M fading into the distance. I literally crawled to bed I was so tired. And for the first time in a while I felt warm.
There was one thing that was dubious about my food. As I hadn't had my yoghurt at lunchtime I had it in the evening and with lots of pear even though I was cutting away lots of bruised and horrible bits. It was probably more than one pear. Right now I am not inclined to tell my sponsor. Why? Because I don't want to go back to day 1 of 90. I don't think it's necessary. I certainly realised the absolute importance of not being influenced by other people partly doing the programme of FA. The belligerence in a way is how I see it. Someone who disrespects rules. It's not even being wild and carefree it's arrogance. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else is doing. I know this food programme is working for me.
I feel the right size to be able to allow myself to be on holiday. That may mean nothing to anyone else. But I do feel as if I'm in the right body. I an wear my clothes comfortably and with ease. All I have to do is eat my abstinent food and keep the addict in me from the desires. Those desires are my limitations for sure.
Oh I missed my AWOL. I made that decisions and even though I was scared of being judged by B, I told her I made that decision. I already had before we left for Bath on Sunday. I was glad t get honest about that.
So off the shower ready for the day ahead. Tomorrow I need to make my call whilst out walking int eh morning glory. I hope it is morning glory but M will lend me her key sot hat I can sit in the car if it's raining. Then I can be freer to say what's actually on my mind.
Mind ramblings from a holiday trip with friends even when I have unfriendly judgemental thoughts.
Bliss
XX
