Well! Thank you God. It works! It really does.
Since the middle of January I have been agonisingly in agony, troubled to my very core with the changes in my work place. Namely the departure of P and the arrival of L. Such different people. I have been angry, escalating to fury. I know I afraid but often unable to identify this through all the other emotions. I've been confused, discombobulated and disappointed. At times I've been blaming and resentful. My attitude then has been argumentative and distasteful at time. When I lash out my self hatred quickly turns on me and then I resent her even more somehow. I've hated her for making me feel so low and despairing. I've wanted to run. I've wanted to stay in bed, be off sick for weeks on end doing mind numbing things. I've wanted to go to the other extremes of high partying and taking risks. I've become paranoid thinking at times that she's recording us in the office, or at the least able to hear us through her hearing aid connection equipment. I noticed my paranoia had intensified generally, fear spreading. I was becoming more and more uncertain about myself and my skills and abilities. Gradually quietening, having little to say because I thought it was incorrect or inadequate. Inwardly questioning everything about me simply augmenting the already heightened fears.
What have been the fears?
I am never really clear on the fears but I think it starts with me being scared that I'm being found out as incapable and inadequate. And then if that has been discovered I will lose my job. If I lose my job what on earth will I do, how will I get an income? And no income will mean that I won;t be able to afford anything at all, I may even lose my home and end up on the streets. And what about the future? Old age for example, how awful will that be? Not to mention the fears of what my dad will think of me. I want a certain easy life style that actually I already can't afford. I don't like it!!
It's been months of mental agony, turmoil. And it's affected everything. My studies are deferred, my energy levels have been low, my activities have decreased, I've had no clear thinking. Every waking thought has been connected with the struggles.
However, I've stayed abstinent. My food has been clean. There have been a couple of wavers, for example not having quite enough veg or protein and allowing that to go under. I haven't mentioned that to my sponsor. I need to. I can't even remember which days. It was two days during the last week, since putting on nearly a pound in weight the week before. That shook me to the core as well.
I also had the funny situation with cheese last Sunday. I had weighed it as 2 oz but when re-weighing it I got it into my mind that it was 4 oz. It really was a mistake. Only as I was eating it did I realise that there seemed to be so much more cheese than normal. I took a whole heap off my plate but didn't re-weigh it, I assessed it. That threw me a bot. I thought it would make all the difference so I think the drops I permitted, and they were not even entire ounce drops, for example the protein was 0.5, but the whole imbalance had started. I feel dreadful that I haven't told my sponsor. I feel ashamed and afraid. But the reality is that has been the course of the events and the secrecy will be the downfall of the whole thing. I need to become clean and not take things into my own hands.
So apart from this, I've been taking on the suggestions. I've been calling out every day. During the calls I've gone on and on about the situation at work with L and how awful I've felt. I shared the blame and resentment over and over again. Months of it. It's been suggested that I pray for her every morning and every evening. To begin with that was ad hoc but gradually I got into the practise of praying for her to have everything I would desire for myself. And I prayed for her happiness, prosperity and health. I still am praying for that and including my dad and Theresa with the same hopes that God will provide them with the same.
My sponsor kept reminding me that y only job is to maintain my serenity. Yet everyday I was not serene. I was angry and then I would say things that would be antagonistic, not on purpose, but would contribute to the bad feeling between L and I. I was blaming her for making me like that though. I was reminded to step out of self, which I was thinking to stop thinking all the time about me. But I also realised it's stepping out of the feelings. As my sponsor said listen and observe. I would listen for a while and then jump in with an opposing opinion. I would be so scared that I compulsively defended myself by being argumentative, at times gossipping in an attempt to rally allies. I would accuse and blame and resent in my defensiveness. But then afterwards I would really be hating myself for the way in which I had mishandled things. Always taking it on me that there was a horrible atmosphere.
It was said several times over the months that there was evidently an issue between L and I. To begin with I hated being accused of being the problem. That's what I heard. Especially when L said to S that she liked S. She didn't say that to me at all, she only referred to the issues. So I interpreted that immediately that she doesn't like me. Mind you the way I have attacked her at times, it's not surprising and I haven't liked her for the way she has attacked me. Touche.
So very little listening even when I truly intended to. Then suddenly this week, the personality change in me occurred.
I have no idea how the clarity happened apart from a process over all of these past months. Little things drip feeding through, maybe the emotional strain was grinding me down, enough to have to stop emoting. The praying, the growing faith that has been like an engine trying to start. Speaking with other and hearing their experiences. Being listened to and people identifying similarities of attitude, the self-centredness of wanting and needing reassurance, the fears. Praying, praying and praying some more to be shown how to be. Praying for inspirational thoughts for what to do next. Praying.
Tuesday was team meeting day. It was this week wasn't it? Yes it was.
I listened and listened. I listened out in me for the defensiveness but observing when I was about to say but" or become argumentative. When I noticed myself about to do that I stayed quiet even more and listened some more. I had prepared myself somewhat to be able to say tings like "So I think I have understood that ....." And as I did L seemed to be agreeing and even adding to my contribution rather than arguing against it. I suddenly had a real clarity, thank you God for the inspirational and creative thought. When it became clear, and I asked for clarity, that we were not going to be recruiting when A leaves (1 June), I said in that case we need to change the programme to better suit the way L wants the groups to run and to suit the new staffing levels. The problem is she likes working at a high level. When is it a culture of over working when trying to adapt to a number of different people's idea of work levels? Where and what is the gap?
I started to accept that L is the boss for whatever reason. I didn't want the role and whoever would have taken it would certainly bring about changes. It was just that these were so different, a completely different approach to addictions therapy. And done in a way that she seemed to be undermining us, criticising us. When in actual fact she is criticising the programme. But as we have been working and supporting the programme it feels as if she is criticising me. It's so hard to separate the two.
Oh and I was glad, thank you God, to have been given the words when meeting with N, that yes there was/is a problem between L and I but I'm not the only one who is having a similar problem. I didn't say it but I refused to be the scapegoat and I felt good about that.
So in the team meeting, I really stepped aside from self. I out the emotions to one side and therefore didn't need to defend myself. Instead I was protective - there is a fine line, but where and what is the line? Where is the gap between defence and protect?
I continue to be baffled by her seeming chaos. She seems to have no boundaries. IS this true though? They are just different from my own. And are mine too rigid at times? I ask that believing that I d have rigid rules with no flexibility. So where is that gap between differences? What is the gap between a flexible boundary and a rigid boundary. For example when is it right that there are consequences having crossed someones or an institutional boundary. Or should someone simply come to their own conclusions? If there are no consequences do people ever come to their own point of a need to change. You see I think there needs to be some order and boundaries, otherwise there would be anarchy.
So anyhow, she has very different boundaries to my own. It's finding a way to accept that. For instance, she is quiet happy to be late for the group. She walks in sometimes just because she wants to be in a group. It's chaos. She has 1:1's and keeps them waiting. She has little awareness of the staffing levels and does her own things anyway. She doesn't take into consideration others thoughts and opinions and does it her own way anyhow. In my opinion this isn't good management. But you see this is where I have to learn and practise acceptance and tolerance. But where is the gap between accepting and not being taken advantage of? What is the gap between acceptance and it not being conducive to good practise? Isn't it all a matter of opinion? How do we begin to negotiate on that.
In terms of the daily practise I can see how the morning group can be very useful in letting the clients just bring to group their own thoughts and topics and discuss them at whatever level. They don't get to the nitty gritty quickly but they work to some level. And then if we can have more time for 1:1 therapy sessions and use the other groups for therapy and information, I can see that a reshaped programme can incorporate everything. It will be less directive and this is something I've always questioned anyway. Interesting how my values can shift to follow people that I think are better than me.
I still do question her rationale that people should be closed down when raising issues such as abuse. I remember this happening to me and the focus being brought back to the addiction. It wasn't helpful I don't think. At the same time I can see her point. But if the therapists can have a part in containing the situation and I think we always have done, then there is a therapeutic value in that. She is saying that it shouldn't be raised and only dealt with in a1:1 therapy session, preparing the person to be with the emotions and then having perhaps a separate abuse group. I think that would be helpful in addition. But this is where we have to agree to disagree. She won't agree to disagree but I can. Once again she is the boss for whatever reason you've decided that God. And what do I know really? What do any of us know really. Nothing is proven to be 100% proof. People still go away traumatised, all we can do is be there to support them when they need someone to turn to. Developing the trust is the key thing here. Knowing that someone is listening and won't abuse them or re-traumatise them. Trust, trust, trust. She does it her way and I do it mine.
I think I have made some mistakes as in strongly pushing C to reveal all to the group. I think the group were quite troubled when J revealed the details of her mums murder. It was difficult to hold the entire groups emotions and trauma with that but in 1:1's Julie became more trusting over time.
There is no right and wrong way, just ways. How I deal with other peoples way is the key to me maintaining my serenity.
I think there is a lot of growing here. Where is the gap though between staying and going? Where is the gap between listening to fear of starting up my own practise and thinking this is God's way of telling me not to do it. Or is it fear blocking me? God please give me an inspirational thought.
Oh and I was honest with my sponsor about the self-will and food this last week. The protein and veg under weighing was worked through. B did ask me to take some quiet time with God to think about the cheese. What did I do with the cheese? Did I take this into my own self will God?
I think I'm scare she will say I can't have cheese at all. That's my fear now. And I've been so pleased not to have it more than once a week. I like cheese. Do I have a relationship that is unhealthy with cheese God?
B mentioned day 1. I'm not afraid of going back to day 1 at all. Another 90 days of listening during meetings. But there are some measures I can take to be more careful to be precise with weighing and measuring - 1 keep the book with me, try to have protein pre-prepared during the week just in case it's under and the same with cooked veg, although B mentioned popping a tomato or something into the microwave if it happens again. I can also tell her as soon as it happens.
I think with the food it's fear of it being taken away from me. And yet this is my choice. I like cheese and it's OK to like certain foods. I have in the past binged on cheese this is true and I know to be very careful with it. Hence I don't have it more than once a week. There is also a fear that if I have it too often it will be too much fat in my diet and then I'll start putting on weight. So it is a food type I am cautious about. Is this self-will God? What do I need to do about this? I will keep asking until there is clarity. I will share my questions with FA people. Non-fa'ers are bound t thin this is faddish or over complicated. What they don;t have to worry about is that food can take me into insanity. So keeping things straightforward with my food will make living life simpler, even when it's troubling.
Bliss
XX
