My dad is critically ill. At first it was water retention, then a fracture in his backbone was discovered after falling sometime a few months ago helping T. I'm annoyed with T and with them both for refusing the care help they were offered. I wonder if she hadn't fallen and he hadn't had to try and help he wouldn't have fallen and now wouldn't have Cancer. yes there is a large shadow behind his rib cage. He is too rail and unwell for them to do a biopsy. hey say it's not good but because they hadn't done a biopsy wouldn't say for certain it was Cancer. Now I think following a scan they have confirmed this. He is being returned home with care as there is no treatment now he can take. He is going home to die. My dad! I never thought he would die before me. I sort of believed the quip I have often made that he would outlive me. I said it believing it and also angry about it.
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively
Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.
Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.
Lunch
Bliss
XX
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively
Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.
Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.
Lunch
Bliss
XX
