A million tiny pieces

If suddenly and without warning, Bliss, you had absolutely nothing to worry about, do you know what the world would begin to look like?


Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.

Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?

Yeah, cool as ever.

OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?

Yeah, same, same.

Get it? The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?

I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand -

The Universe
 
Well this last week has been difficult for me. I discovered through a semi innocent act that my love and my Master had deceived me. It was awful on all sorts of levels.
Firstly the way in which I knew was through my own undercover act. I was on SL as a new an unidentified avatar - Lace Foxglove. Good name huh? I created her to enter the D/s sites not as PR - I had no intention of involving myself with anyone but rather to ask questions as an unknown about how to be a better slave to my Master. I met a man CA. I asked him if he was a Master and if he would tell me about this. He invited me to sit at his feet. As he started telling me I realised that it was my Master. It was as if someone put a stake through my heart.
I suddenly did not know what to do. There he was sending me messages on my mobile and Skype saying he was busy working and would be x number of minutes longer and yet chatting freely with Lace. Yes he said that he had a slave in RL and in Sl and this slave he loved. In my deceit I was asking leading questions in my realisation that my Master and my love was deceiving me. I thought I would find out how far he would go. I was hating myself for it. Wanted to reveal my real identity but felt terrified and then painfully curious to see what his intentions might be. I was so heart broken that he did not keep Lace completely away and even invited her to write an application to be his slave.
Now as I read this I expect anyone would be saying I suppose you have broken off this relationship now then?
The hurt is two-fold. One that my Master was not clearly boundaried with another woman. Even though he says to me he wants only monogamy the message would not be clear to a woman interested in him. It is my opinion this is very inviting. And secondly and even worse is that my love and Master was telling me - the real me that he was working and would be with me soon. He was blatantly lieing to me. Oh God the pain  as I write this. He did not stop the talking with Lace - my heart is ripping all over again as I write this.
Now my love and Master has spoken with his friend and keeps reassuring me that he is not a bad person. I have never ever said that he is a bad person.
Can you imagine I spent that evening and the next day and evening knowing this information but not knowing what or how to tell him. I kept trying to give him the opportunity to be honest with me and he even spoke about the importance of honesty. During the second evening when talking about honesty with a lot of sincerity, it was at this point I had to say that I needed to tell him something that would surely be the end of our relationship.
I explained what had happened. .....
I am now trying to accept his explanation. He wanted time on SL with this other avatar - that he had had since 2009 - because it was peaceful time with none of his usual contacts knowing he was there. To some degree I understand this. As I write this I understand why I have moments of wondering.
Universe - I so truly hope that JH - my love and Master is the real man. I love so many things about him. I like him so much and enjoy pretty much all of the things that we do. But there is this situation that is so deceiving and how betrayed I have felt. I am trying so hard to accept his explanation
Well there has been another night and day since I wrote that last sentence. My Love and Master came online.
As I had started hurting as I was writing about the events I had to ask him some more questions about it.
For the first time he said how shitty he felt about having been untruthful and he also said that yes he had been too open. Of course this has raised questions about what he means by being open and that he had said he was no longer open. So if he is thinking he is no longer open I need I think to know what he means ...
I found this behaviour with LF too open if open means flirting.

Again maybe I have got this all wrong and being flirty is OK. It just seems to me that flirting can be risky. And doesn't seem like being true to commitment and love. I truly would like some input on this.

Anyway there is another point - I cannot control everything. By having the conversation in cognito did not bring anymore control. All it has brought is a knowledge that I don't like and a lot of negotiating to do.
My Love and Master mentioned that he had to trust that I was not there looking for another man or Master. Of course I wasn't but how could he know that in the same way as I don;t know his true intentions. All I can do is out trust in him and enjoy the journey. Like other people  have met the true self reveals itself. And again just as in friendships, a lot have gone by the wayside. But I am left with the elite few. People I can trust and are consistent and dependable. People who listen and do not try to control or fix me. People who empathise with me and relate with me. People who I have such a laugh with. I trust them. People who I can ask for a hug from or time with. Oh and on and on - I have the most wonderful friends and I am truly grateful Universe for the incredible people have come into my life.
Equally there are people who are no longer in my life - gradually the incompatibilities show through. It';s not that they are bad and horrid - simply we have ideas that are too different.
I still feel guilty for moving away. I think they will take it personally and carry more of a self judgement. I say that because I can relate entirely. I would just crumble to a million tiny pieces if someone didn't like me. I would disregard all the people that did like me - well I wouldn't believe their compliments anyway.

Well I am rambling and tired now .........
Not sure if any of this is really of use or interest.
It's my life - No Comment!

Bliss

Silent Skype Snores

I spent the night sleeping beside my love and Master - he was there in his home and I was here in mine. Yep! He humoured my want to stay online all night and sleep. I woke up a few times and there he was snoring away. I smiled. I listened for a while and smiled again. How amazing it is that I have met someone who would participate in this silliness of mine. I loved him for it.

I am sure I have a lot more to write in this Blog - so much to catch up on.
So much has been happening with my love and Master alone .....
I think I am spreading recent events across too many drafted posts ...

Today  i did something different. I still have questions outstanding following the recent events when I felt betrayed by a very straight forward untruth. I am sure you will be able to catch up on this in previous blogs.
Anyway every day I have had thoughts or questions relating to the circumstances or my understanding of things.
I have a question today relating to my love and Master saying that he had been too open. I had been talking about flirting. Now he had previously said that now being with me he was no longer open with women. Which of course I felt so comfortable with. So he continues to talk with women but if he is not open and I interpreted this as being boundaried, well then I was fine and even fully supportive. This was fabulous for me as it was further indication of me managing insecurities that have developed from childhood.
However, as my love and Master had been in my opinion not boundaried at all in our recent clandestine encounter, I wonder what open,. not open or to open means.
So my different approach this evening was to ask if at a convenient moment we might discuss this further.
As is my norm, this is not to pass judgement or to insist on him being different BUT merely to see how he wants to practice being and if that concurs or not with my own preferences.
Until now my questions and thoughts have been coming up towards the end of conversations. I say the end as they are late and time really when we should be finishing speaking and getting to sleep. Of course I put off asking because I think it is wrong for me to ask. I am realising that I am entitled to my thoughts and ideas and that to get clarity I need to speak them all out. Gradually I am getting to the end of my questions. I hope my love and Master can continue to find patience even when I have heard his anger rising. I am afraid that he will get angry and use that as a reason to go. He sent a text assuring me that this would not happen.
So anyway by asking for time he has agreed. He rightly so requested that we do this at a better time.

What I would like of course is not open to mean the same as my boundaried. For me this means not only stating that I am in a loving relationship but saying that I am not available for flirtations.
I am very straight forward. My attitude is entirely different. My mindset is that I am in a committed and monogamous relationship and so I am aware that I do not give off even subtle vibes - people are so unaware of the non-verbal signals (that even are detectable across the ether).
I would not toy with a man or leave anything unclear. I am simply not available for anything more than talking. I would not spend excessive time with any one man and if there was to be any extensive socialising I would do it in general company - the message would have to be loud and clear. And then even if he were to persist I would have to be straightforward and be explicit that I am not available at all.
Finally I would say bye and leave if they continued to cross the line.
I think yes it is OK to be flattered but to be aware of the flattery and what it translates into in me and not allow my ego to desire more. I would always want to honour my commitment.
Importantly actually is my desire NOT to give mixed messages to other people as well - that can cause misunderstanding and even be hurtful. I do not want to lead anyone on.
Most importantly I do not want to disrespect my love and Master. In this way I have nothing at all to be ashamed of or need to hide. My conscience is clear which is always always a wonderful feeling - a better feeling than the brief lift I might get from a flirt - dissatisfying on a long term basis.

I truly hope my love and Master is honourable in a similar way. I am not certain how and even if I would work through my Love and Master wanting to be able to be less boundaried. However we will see what he says and see what that brings to me. I open to learn not sure if my principles can be crossed.

I wonder what other people think about my thoughts on this? How they negotiate through such tings in the first place? And what boundaries, openness etc is acceptable or not.
I truly believe that the affair starts in the the thinking and attitude. I would like a loyal partner and one that believes that love is about respect, dignity, monogamy, integrity, honesty, openness, and truly loving.
I hope my Love and Master holds these spiritual principles dear too. He seems to in general with matters of life we have discussed. I think we have a differing view of interrelationships.
We will see I guess when we speak.

Bliss

Little big starts. Big dreams from loss

I know you already know this, but Bliss, the only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!


So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun.

Foxy, clever, wry -

The Universe

Bells and whistles

If there's something you want, Bliss, anything at all, or if there's something you need, no matter what it is, or if there's something you'd like to change, please remember that all the bells and whistles of time and space were first hewn and blown in the windmills of one's mind, long before they were ever dung or heard by hands and ears.




Whatever you dream of, live it, live it now, as fully as possible, to whatever degree you can, in your thoughts, words, and deeds. And sure enough, as day follows night, as rains fall from pregnant clouds, and as melodies float from bells and whistles, your dream will come to pass.

It's a sure thing,

The Universe

Dear Helpman - minimising the dream

I wrote this way back in June2010 - and since then not sure I need a response but I didn't get one anyway.
I am disappointed

Hello S


I wonder if you can help please ......I hope you won't mind me asking.

I was talking with a friend who was talking about how he deals with pain (we were talking specifically about the dentist). He said that he looks at the pain as something interesting and he visualises it. Then he reduces the size of the pain in his visualisation.

SUDDENLY I leapt up. I think I may have told you but without emphasising the importance I have always had with this awake dream but the dream can so happen in my sleep.

I have had it as long as I can remember - I can remember the bed and bedroom when I was 3 and 4 and having this dream.

It happened a lot between the ages of 7 and into my teens. I have had it in my adulthood as well.



It is really difficult to describe. I have tried so many times because it has always felt very meaningful yet so abstract.

First of all there is this completely still nothingness - all the molecules are so so so tightly packed and dense nothing is moving at all. It is colourless matter - no movement.

It feels sinister yet is so so so so so calm.

Then this great big mass of chaotic and messy stuff moves in. It is a sphere but is big. It is mainly black. It's long strands of stuff all entwined and fills the view I have.

And it all moves about. I can see beyond it at times and through it vaguely. I feel turmoil as it is writhing and squirming and rolling and it's just big big fast moving mess.

Then it starts to get really small and compact and tight and slowing down and even though everything still feels sinister I can start to feel calm.



S I suddenly been jolted into realising what this is through this conversation with my friend.

I think the reducing of this horrid messy mass is me making it smaller. The sinister motionless surround is the big world even though in this "dream" it's as if I am looking at a screen where this all takes place.

When the sudden connection happened I cried but felt relieved at last to connect this all up.

Now as I am writing I am truly truly struggling. More than ever before. The internal pain is so immense. I can't stop what seems like my body and mind are separate.

I am telling myself I can't remember the events so they didn;t happen yet my body is telling me differently. I can't stop crying and yet I am wondering what I am crying for.

I feel absolutely crazy now. I am remembering what you said about body memories and to listen to them. And I have visual memories too of some things.

BUT this I know is about yuch yuch yuch! And yet I can't recall anything. I feel completely MAD!!!!!!!



What is also weird is that I can remember having this "dream" in another place. I was about 11 and was sent away to stay with my dads cousin and his wife. I loved playing with my cousin who was slightly younger than me so loved going there. I really always had fun! But for years I have remembered having the "dream" in the lovely room I used to stay in. I remember thinking it felt as if the bed was moving like a boat. I thought I was sick.

And then I never went back on my own again. My uncle, my dads cousin has only ever been lovely to me. I have a weird feeling always with the eldest cousin who is probably 10 years older than me. He was usually away at uni or something.

I am scared that something happened there or could it be that I just had the dream ad hoc?



And then the "dream" happens throughout my adult life. That is less difficult to explain now. In any relationship whatsoever I have had it. Sex with a partner has soon come to feel disgusting. And I begin to hate the man. I remember having the "dream" within these relationships. Can't even see the faces just the dream and so they all one big clump even the clients when I was prostituting - they are all one clump of men! Not forgetting the contempt I felt for men when prostituting - I had the power. Just think pah when I think of them.

Sometimes I have had the dream asleep, mainly when awake - I cannot see beyond the "dream" to see what is happening on the other side of it.


Help S. I feel in so much emotion I don't even know what the emotion is.

I am toying with cutting but don't want to. I haven't for over a year now. It's a battle - reminds me of the final scenes in the film Seven (do you know what I mean?)

The protagonist wants to shoot the murderer but then fights it then feels the emotion again and points the gun and lowers it again. That is so well portrayed for how I feel right now - battling.

Why does this past do this? So what - it is what happened? I know for other people I can understand why there would be so much emotion.

But why is it so so powerful in me - so what if he sexually abused me? (wow that's hard to write) so bloody what? Why does it cause me all this now - just stop it!



Well right now I am more centred following a friend calling. Phew. I am grateful for that centring without them having to know anything. They are neither in recovery or know about how crazy i can become. However they were easy to listen to.

I wonder if that was centring and hopefully not suppressing but then again maybe that's the only way as I go along with this


I have started seeing someone. We met over a shared interest in art.

He is not in recovery but interestingly is on his own spiritual path - about 2 1/2 years ago he made some changes in his life and since then has been exploring emotions and spirituality etc etc.

far this relationship between us has been very different. It's very good that he is not local and so contact has been not only face to face but more in writing or via Skype.

At this time it seems different from the ways in which I have entered into relationships. I am open and honest but with discernment. Importantly I am staying open and honest with my friends and asking for support. And indeed maintaining my long standing friendships.

I have not experienced such openness before. At times I want to run away - as an addict I have not seen this ore. I have committed not to run away though and instead find ways to deal with situations, remaining myself to the best of my ability. And suddenly I have been made aware of how terrified of commitment I actually am. I have always thought I am a totally committed but actually I was leach-like and clingy but then would become resentful as a result and then destroy. I know it's all classic love addiction so not telling you anything new.

I have been friends with him for several months and we have discussed and agreed that we are "courting". We met up recently and the relationship has evolved more into a physical

relationship. Without being dramatic I spoke about shyness and my hyper sensitivity about sex and that I was scared.

At the same time I think I sensitively approached the subject so that I didn't make him either my rescuer from the past or my abuser.

So far it seems OK . I have realisd that I don't really want nor need JHto be involved. He knows but with some distance. He also has said he knows this is my own healing as well as it being part of me and from that perspective he can simply hold me. Well I do know I cannot take the issue to him. I don;t want to repeat what I have done in the past.

I am telling you this - goodness knows why??????? I think perhaps I would like to ask if from time to time I might be able to have a session with you. If you are planning anymore weekend workshops I would certainly be interested.



I would be really delighted if you can spare a moment to either write or perhaps speak about this "dream" thing. I feel calmer right now but I was almost convulsing when I started writing to you.

I knew these "dreams" were relevant - I mean really really important. I used to ask my mum if I had them when I was feeling sick or something. I can't remember what she would say. I am getting more and more angry with her also finding that difficult to allow myself to feel.



This is now the next day Sunday

Well can you believe this synchronicity - Radio 4 programme in which a woman talks about discovering her partner had sexually abused her daughters. Then I get home and my dad had left a message on my answer machine and then I get an email from a man who used to be my dad's friend. Not that he has friends.

Now he is due to call me today.

I was talking with Liz this morning and telling her how my body is telling me one thing but my brain is telling me that sexual abuse does not happen to me.

I feel repulsion and disgust within myself and am battling again today. Wanting to cut not wanting to cut.

I feel detached then attached - I can no longer seem to keep it all away for long.

I feel sick and at times quite faint - it weird. Its horrid. Its healing too I believe

I don't really know what to do with it though.

I listen to people's stories in meetings and at work - and feel sad and an array of emotions

BUT it can't possibly happen to me. I still cannot believe that I have kept memories away from me for so long.

I know a lot of my talking with you helped me to start believing the little signs as they have been arising. But still it is difficult.



Sometimes this all seems so much to actually be able to deal with. It takes my breath away. I want it to stop finally.

I want to run away but there is nowhere to run to.

Want it cut out of me.

IT exists just need to learn to live with it and not let it be the drive of being. HOW????????? WHEN?????????????

Sometimes the growth/healing seems impossible.



Sorry for writing all of this. It has helped to write it.

Can you throw any light for me please?

Any suggestions other than what I am doing - talking to friends (suport friends), not using in any shape or form, trusting the Universe that I can get through this, trying to nurture myself, meetings. What else?



Thank you S for even reading this.

Bliss