Recognising Feelings

Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that night be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, "If it was OK to feel whatever I'm feeling and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?"Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favourite standby of many people discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
We are on a continual treasure hunt to recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don;t have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself

I enjoyed being able to speak with JH. I do feel so sad. I feel sad for him facing all that he is facing. I feel sad for me who is in love with him and letting go of that. I am pleased to have acceptance. It still hurts but I am no longer angry - well not so that I need to lash out.
It is easy to offer JH support. I do not know exactly what to do though. I hope that JH will know he can ask me.
It is possible to tolerate his untruths but it is difficult to trust him of course because of them. I hope that with time the trust can develop between us. Him being able to be more trusting that it is OK to be him (and this is not just with me) and my trust will grow as he becomes more trustworthy. But as a friend I can smile and just speak my own truth.

As for the reading I love that it helps me to give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. And I can remember that the feeling or emotion is separate from the behaviour. JH said that he doesn't like anger. Well I suppose anger can often mean that I have crossed someones boundary. And I am so terribly harsh on myself when I make mistakes. I feel like I am a let down or disappointment and I feel ashamed too which is of course the message from others shame - parents - that I have done something wrong as if intentional and suggesting I am a bad person. No, no, no!
A mistake is all it is and if someone is honest enough to tell me that they feel angry because of something I have done or said etc, then I can learn from their emotional response and make changes or practice changes in my behaviour or attitude and so on.  Be gentle with myself.
As for writing, well I swear by it. I do miss the hand written journal as I could doodle there or try to put the pictures in my head down even if stick men and such-like.
However I value these pages to empty my mind nd connect with the Unvierse. And acknowledge it's power not me!

Bliss
XX

Om

I have been thinking of a poem about a river - infact the line of my earlier Blog page is a line from my poem as yet not progressed. Then I came across The River God in the book that JG so gen erously donated on a lifetime loan to me. I thought that was such a lovely gesture. He said that it was because he and I had had such an inspired conversation about some poems and that he rarely gets an opportunity to discuss like that and he misses it. I felt very priviledged to be able to talk freely with my complete lack of education with someone so learned. And as with most things the original poem To His Coy Mistress led to discussions about metaphysical, John Donne and so on. Very, very interesting. I was upset that PD thinks my interest is more of an addicion rather than what I had though was a general inquisitiveness about the wonder of the world. I realised tonight that this is a similar message from my dad. Actually I said my dad but it was my mum who laughed and said I couldn't write a book when I told her that's what I was starting. She said I could never make it interesting and didn't have a goo command of vocabulary to be able to write. So I stopped there and then.
So now I do what I do just for fun and because I can. I will add my poem about the river when I ever get to working on it again. In the meantime I read this and it evoked a lot of feelings.

The River God (1957)
Stevie Smith
I may be smelly, and I may be old
Rough in my pebbles, reedy in my pools,
But where my fish float by I bless their swimming
And I like the people to bathe in me, especially women.
But I can drown the fools
Who bathe too close to the weir, contrary to rules.
And they take a long time drowning
As I throw them up now and then in a spirit of clowning.
Hi yih, yippity-yap, merrily I flow,
O I may be an old foul river but I have plenty of go.
Once there was a lady who was too bold.
She bathed in me by the tall black cliff where the water runs cold,
So I brought her down here
To be my beautiful dear.
Oh will she stay with me will she stay,
This beautiful lady, or will she go away?
She lies in my beautiful deep river bed with many a weed
To hold her, and many a waving reed.
Oh who would guess what a beautiful white face lies there
Waiting for me to smooth and wash away the fear
She looks at me with. Hi yi, do not let her
Go. There is no one on earth who does not forget her
Now. They say I am a foolish old smelly river
But they do not know of my wide original bed
Where the lady waits, with he golden sleepy head.
If she wishes to go I will not forgive her.

It's so eerie. Sinister. I started reading and thought at first of the power of nature, that the Universe is all so powerful.
Actually this brought to mind the earthquake in Christchurch. And how today the HD was flying to NZ because his brother had been discovered dead. How tragic. And the news that was tragic but distant suddenly became personalised even though I barely know my HD. I found it so tragically sad that he had realised that he was watching his brother being discovered under the rubble of a building as he watched the news here. He didn't realise it was his brother as he watched but learnt alter on. He of course was aware that his brother was missing. Poor man. Powerful planet earth. Destructive! We are no match. And I got this from the poem too.
It also brought to mind Hotel California - You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.
Another song/poem that is eerie and yet powerful. Stab it with your steely knife but you just can't kill the beast!
And an other thing came to mind whilst reading this poem -

 Millais' Ophelia
And I have had the privilege to see this. It was the beautiful white face. It just reminded me even though of course Ophelia is not at the bottom of the river. But also the weeds and the reeds, whilst Ophelia has flowers and colour.

River - Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

Joni gets it so spot on!
I would like to have her ability to put my feelings into words like this. Right now as I write this I woud like to be able to skate down a river or teach my feet to fly.
Not sure what is going on.
 
Bliss XX