I would very much appreciate your thoughts on my situation regarding food. My sponsor has suggested I take it to quiet time to ask for guidance as to what i need to do.
I think my issue started Tuesday 2 weeks ago. I now have carbs introduced to both lunch and supper. I am weighing myself weekly. And I had put on less than a pound but it really has aroused a lot of disturbed thinking. I'm afraid. Throughout my eating "career" I have had periods of utter control over food intake through starvation. And then also periods of controlled eating that has I believe resembled recovery to me. Since then I tried different ways to just have food as food and eat 3 times a day but always ending up relapsing on sugar and flour products and of course what I realise now, quantity. In my early days with FA I just wanted to lose weight, I was so desperate and low in mood with my size. The weighing and measuring of course worked but also resembled control.
However I have gradually come to accept that I truly need a very clear vision of what is food abstinence and this FA way has been working. of course with the food abstinent and body image in the hands of God, I have need FA support to be able to deal with the day to day issues that arise for me because of life itself. Thank God for fellowship.
Anyhow 2 Sundays ago I had cheese for my lunch. Absent-mindedly I weight out 4 oz. As I sat down to eat I commented to myself that it looked a lot and suddenly I realised I had 4oz instead of 2oz. So there and then I decided to put what looked like 2oz aside. I cannot think what thought process I went through but whatever it was it didn't include getting up and re-weighing the cheese. Laziness? Desire for the cheese?
I have been afraid of cheese and limited it as a protein to once a week maximum. I don't think I'd ever discussed this fully with my sponsor until the last couple of days. Anyway I didn't discuss the incident itself with my sponsor until yesterday. Actually now I'm writing it I am wondering if the increase in weight was last Tues rather than the previous one. I will have to check my log now when I get home.
Anyhow 2 further incidents occurred. One day my protein was just under 4oz. I thought to myself I'd get it made up by the kitchen at work. It was under by about .3 of an ounce if I remember correctly. And then another day my cooked veg was under and I decided it was OK.
I did not check it out with anyone or even mention any of these 3 incidents to my sponsor. But my thinking was whirring. I was thinking so I may lose some weight but it won;t be as a genuine result of abstinence. Then my sponsor might be adjusting quantities based on false information. Then I might put on weight based on all of that nonsense. It really only became clear to me in my quiet time yesterday morning and so I shared it all with my sponsor. With I might add great embarrassment and shame that I had kept it a secret and for the behaviours and thinking.
She has asked me lots of questions that to be honest I am over thinking. I am trying to find rational answers to her questions. I'm just realising this now as I am writing this to you. I do get a lot of clarity through writing.
There is the question of needing to go back to day 1 (another 90 days) as there was an element of me saying "I can't be bothered" when deciding not to re-weigh the cheese, which would have been easy enough. I actually cannot clearly think of the thought process now. I think part of me was thinking "eat it, what the heck" and the other part of me terrified.
90 days involves, not sharing at meetings and listening. I can't think what else it involves. I will need a reminder from my sponsor.
Actually in writing that I can see the powerlessness and at that precise moment there was no acceptance, it was self-will both ways.
Or do I take it as a red alert. Continue as I am but remember why I need to be absolutely precise about weighing and measuring because I am powerless.
I am perfectly content to return to day 1. I will have to shed some pride in my regular meetings and explain my return to not sharing etc. They make judgements against FA for being too controlling etc but this would be my choice and I can easily shrug off their thoughts on this. What matters is that I maintain my abstinence. I do not want to return to being in the craziness of addictively eating. This recovery matters and is my priority.
What concerns me also is that the relief and freedom have received as a result of behaving and thinking differently with the troubling situation at work isn't as pure as it has seemed. Maybe the food element has brought me the relief. However all it feels as if it has brought me is too much time thinking and agonising about it. Which of course takes away from my difficulties.
I can also give myself such a hard time about not getting it right. I feel I've let myself down and my sponsor is now not so pleased with me. I know that's not how it works. I know I am an addict through and through so there will be all sorts of unconscious motives for all of this. I am just not fully aware of the underlying drives.
I can create a drama from absolutely nothing. So I realise by writing that my sponsor is right. I just need to keep taking this to quiet time and trust that I will get some clarity.
Thank you for allowing me to write this all out. It's more of a thought release I suppose. Rather than it all whirring around my mind, it's now all out in type. Thank God for words!
I would certainly appreciate any feedback you might have.
Bliss
XX
I think my issue started Tuesday 2 weeks ago. I now have carbs introduced to both lunch and supper. I am weighing myself weekly. And I had put on less than a pound but it really has aroused a lot of disturbed thinking. I'm afraid. Throughout my eating "career" I have had periods of utter control over food intake through starvation. And then also periods of controlled eating that has I believe resembled recovery to me. Since then I tried different ways to just have food as food and eat 3 times a day but always ending up relapsing on sugar and flour products and of course what I realise now, quantity. In my early days with FA I just wanted to lose weight, I was so desperate and low in mood with my size. The weighing and measuring of course worked but also resembled control.
However I have gradually come to accept that I truly need a very clear vision of what is food abstinence and this FA way has been working. of course with the food abstinent and body image in the hands of God, I have need FA support to be able to deal with the day to day issues that arise for me because of life itself. Thank God for fellowship.
Anyhow 2 Sundays ago I had cheese for my lunch. Absent-mindedly I weight out 4 oz. As I sat down to eat I commented to myself that it looked a lot and suddenly I realised I had 4oz instead of 2oz. So there and then I decided to put what looked like 2oz aside. I cannot think what thought process I went through but whatever it was it didn't include getting up and re-weighing the cheese. Laziness? Desire for the cheese?
I have been afraid of cheese and limited it as a protein to once a week maximum. I don't think I'd ever discussed this fully with my sponsor until the last couple of days. Anyway I didn't discuss the incident itself with my sponsor until yesterday. Actually now I'm writing it I am wondering if the increase in weight was last Tues rather than the previous one. I will have to check my log now when I get home.
Anyhow 2 further incidents occurred. One day my protein was just under 4oz. I thought to myself I'd get it made up by the kitchen at work. It was under by about .3 of an ounce if I remember correctly. And then another day my cooked veg was under and I decided it was OK.
I did not check it out with anyone or even mention any of these 3 incidents to my sponsor. But my thinking was whirring. I was thinking so I may lose some weight but it won;t be as a genuine result of abstinence. Then my sponsor might be adjusting quantities based on false information. Then I might put on weight based on all of that nonsense. It really only became clear to me in my quiet time yesterday morning and so I shared it all with my sponsor. With I might add great embarrassment and shame that I had kept it a secret and for the behaviours and thinking.
She has asked me lots of questions that to be honest I am over thinking. I am trying to find rational answers to her questions. I'm just realising this now as I am writing this to you. I do get a lot of clarity through writing.
There is the question of needing to go back to day 1 (another 90 days) as there was an element of me saying "I can't be bothered" when deciding not to re-weigh the cheese, which would have been easy enough. I actually cannot clearly think of the thought process now. I think part of me was thinking "eat it, what the heck" and the other part of me terrified.
90 days involves, not sharing at meetings and listening. I can't think what else it involves. I will need a reminder from my sponsor.
Actually in writing that I can see the powerlessness and at that precise moment there was no acceptance, it was self-will both ways.
Or do I take it as a red alert. Continue as I am but remember why I need to be absolutely precise about weighing and measuring because I am powerless.
I am perfectly content to return to day 1. I will have to shed some pride in my regular meetings and explain my return to not sharing etc. They make judgements against FA for being too controlling etc but this would be my choice and I can easily shrug off their thoughts on this. What matters is that I maintain my abstinence. I do not want to return to being in the craziness of addictively eating. This recovery matters and is my priority.
What concerns me also is that the relief and freedom have received as a result of behaving and thinking differently with the troubling situation at work isn't as pure as it has seemed. Maybe the food element has brought me the relief. However all it feels as if it has brought me is too much time thinking and agonising about it. Which of course takes away from my difficulties.
I can also give myself such a hard time about not getting it right. I feel I've let myself down and my sponsor is now not so pleased with me. I know that's not how it works. I know I am an addict through and through so there will be all sorts of unconscious motives for all of this. I am just not fully aware of the underlying drives.
I can create a drama from absolutely nothing. So I realise by writing that my sponsor is right. I just need to keep taking this to quiet time and trust that I will get some clarity.
Thank you for allowing me to write this all out. It's more of a thought release I suppose. Rather than it all whirring around my mind, it's now all out in type. Thank God for words!
I would certainly appreciate any feedback you might have.
Bliss
XX
