It Will Become Clear

Dont' analyse things. The simplicity is just stop asking why, it's just about allowing myself to be in the day. Go with it, don't do anything impulsively.
My feelings are frozen today and just let it be okay not to know how I feel.
I've been in a whirlwind. And then I start thinking about all the things that were so nice about the relationship, it's like a food thought. I can't afford to go there.
I'm shocked by how much I don't tell people. This illness is cunning and baffling. Universe please help me.
Universe I pray for my dad and for T, his wife. I pray for G. I pray for M who seems quite content really right now. I pray for this world that is being blistered and punctured by us humans living life in a way that I seem to think is unconsciously. Me included. I pray for the women in India who it seems are so vulnerable and the women in some Arab states too that they may have freedom. In fact I pray for any people oppressed in some ways and ridden with fears. I pray for me to be free of my fears some of them irrational.
Universe please show me how to be for the best of living life on this planet.

I have been struggling with my sense of my HP. I can see as I was talking about it this morning that it's another thing that I was metamorphosing into G. Taking on his attachment as my own. Is this so that he would approve of me? Or is it that my own beliefs can seem so flimsy. Often I think I must be wrong when people are so fervently critical. G was fervently critical of others and I didn't want him to be so critical of me. Yet I didn't like his criticism, his non-acceptance of others. I was prepared to overlook that or so I thought for what else seemed so good. What a remarkable man he is you see. I was charmed by his knowledge of wild flowers and the birds. It was charming to see his interest in such elements of our world and seem to care so much about it. But in return he didn't care for humans at all. I can see how and why, knowing his childhood story. He has been abandoned beyond anything loving. Abandoned by his mother into a social system that left children to the hands of care homes with little more than a roof over his head. Details of his story have left my heart hurting at times ad I think I wanted to show him that there is something different ad yet in the end he has got exactly the same thing. That is surely as a result of both of our negativity's. It was almost inevitable and actually he questioned whether anything could be different. He questioned whether people can change fundamentally. I wonder the same thing although I believe some things do change if I put the effort into the things that work. Such as the Steps. G doesn't continue to work with a sponsor or continue working the steps in any formal fashion. Perhaps he's right in that you don't need to be doing any theoretical work around the steps. I'm sure he told me that he did step 4 and 5 but did not go further than that. I hear his lack of faith or interest in the rooms. He hates meetings and the majority of the people in the rooms. He gets to care for a few people. He did care for me and I regret that he will now hold hatred for me as he does so many other people. I regret that so very much. All I really want is to show him love and friendship. The only way I've known how to do this throughout my life is to be so totally involved. I gave myself totally, money, time, space, history, bodily in an effort to show that there was something else. And yet that total giving resulted in exactly the opposite; anger, abandonment, disapproval, feeling trapped and wings clipped.
I am stunned at how little I talk to anyone about details. So I lent G £240 to get his tyres repaired. I do not have enough money for a washing machine and at times can't afford my bills and yet I lent the money freely. Part of it was because he was not doing anything about his tyres and just staying here day after day, night after night. I thought once the tyres were repaired he would return home some nights. Not at all. He did go and visit Mrs E and the dogs as soon as he could but not home. I was beginning to realise it was easier to stay here than return to his Pit. Or so I wondered. That seed was sown with that thought and then I wasn't sure that he wanted to be here because of me but because he was avoiding.
The whole blame of acceptance of people as they are and yet not being walked over has been highlighted to me. It's okay to work at accepting people as they are but where do I come into that Universe. Can you show me please? There was a lesson to be learnt about this but it's not yet clear to me what I have learnt. I feel guilty somewhat for finally cracking and ending the relationship even though I asked him the question "is this definitely over then?". He said yes and it's good that he will think he made that final decision although it will leave him angry with me. There is some dignity in it as it was all amidst a lot of anger. His pride will not let him contact me I feel certain but what about the money he owes me and my front door key. I would like that all back if at all possible. Universe I have to hand that over to you. Once again please show me what I need to do.

There was a comment made in the film the Life of Pi that I saw in 3D with M yesterday -"life is about letting go". I drove from Brighton to Chichester where M had very kindly looked after LouLou for me whilst I attended the Brighton FA meeting. Gosh was I glad to get there and be at the meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen afterwards as I rather hoped I could meet with my dad. However, he and I didn't make contact until later when he told me that he wouldn't be able to meet as he felt too unwell. I felt sad and relieved as I was fearing his anger at me not be available in the morning. But as the fear subsided and the relief too at being let off the hook for double booking the morning the hurt was there. I am scared. Afraid that he is dying and all the unsaid things and unfinished business. A lot of my excuse for staying away has been the fabrication of a sexually abusive childhood. There were things that happened but I've definitely exaggerated that and that's an awful thing to do. I have not admitted that before. There were indeed strange things that shouldn't have happened. The worst of them being when my mum was away and I was lying on the settee. He tickled my back and wanted to know where I felt twinges. Then he told me to turn over and he tickled my breasts ad got might close to the lower regions. I was horrified that I let him. I was only in early stages of developing breasts so I believe I was about 13. But I've exaggerated other things like the playing in the bath. I do remember fear of him turning me upside down to dry me and patting my fanny. And games of "touched your arse" and exhausting me by fighting with me. He was always aggressive and strict, super strict. How can I tell anyone that I've exaggerated this. I stayed away in the name of this but actually what was really happening was bad enough. His manner with me, he did used to spy on me, he did read letters and diaries and mock or taut me with them.
Anyone reading this will probably be horrified to know that I've exaggerated the excess of sexual abuse. I felt I had to to justify my hatred and fear of him. Yet what was really going on was horrible enough. He did always toy with other women. He was always rude to and about my mum. There was always arguments between them with him trying to control her. There was always a battle with me with him trying to control me. I was never good enough and he did disparage me continually directly to me or indirectly but in front me when other people where there. I never could live up to his expectations, he was always disappointed in me. And I started to fulfil that prophecy. I have never felt good enough or capable. Too at, too ugly, too thick, too clumsy, too everything negative.
The one thing he did for me directly was support my interest in horses and horse riding. I will always be grateful for that. We did at times have closeness. It was usually when I was agreeing with his bigoted views. He hated anyone and everyone but hated people even more if they were of a different creed or orientation or age or wealth/class or ethnic origin or anything really that was different from him. He admired money and education but would grow to hate those people too. No one ever could maintain his expectation and would eventually fall foul of his hatred.
He never liked anyway we lived or anything we did. He was always moaning about my mum. Yet he did support her career and her travelling.
He worked hard and provided. He was devastated by his business mistake. His perfectionism was challenged and his error evident to all. It left hi with a lot of debt. It was an error of judgement that's all but it crippled his pride.
It was a tumultuous childhood and I am a very sensitive person. Probably over sensitive. I didn't think things were bad enough to justify being such a fucked up person. And when I hear some people's stories like G's I had it really easy by comparison. I truly did. Yet still an addict and still blaming and excusing my bad behaviours because of my childhood. Phew I have a lot to answer for. I would like to make amends with my dad but first I have to get honest with my sponsor about the exaggeration. And then I have to not minimise the sexual abuse that was there. It was inappropriate. All the innuendo's they were endless ad embarrassing. He was always inappropriate with my childhood and later teen friends. And even later my grown up friends. It would revolt me. He was inappropriate with women in general. His rule to me was not to drop my knickers and yet he was inappropriately fiddling with me and sexually suggestive all the time. He used to spy through the door cracks on me. I was terrified of going to bed. These things were real. I mist not undermine them.
Phew. What could I say to my dad Universe? What do I need to do here.
I need to make my call to the AWOL now.

Okay made the call and enjoyed the AWOL. I shared almost at the beginning which was surprising for me. And I shared truthfully. It was about Blind Spots - the defects that we cannot yet see. I believe that life will bring awareness of the blind spots and all I have to do is show up for life and be honest. I have become so shocked at the amount of things and thoughts and feelings that go on and I don't talk to anyone about them. I believe that some of this will be a life of being an only child. I had lots of thoughts and conversations with myself. There was no one to share all this with and so I didn't it. It was absolutely the norm for me.  I want to learn to be totally open. That is going to take practice. I don't talk about things but not intentionally.

Anyway yet again I need to learn to let go. I feel immense sadness at the loss of the remarkable man G is. I am relieved not to have to deal with the things that were not pleasant to be around. It's not a criticism of him but things that i simply could not deal with. The other woman, the silences and moodiness, the sulks, the lack of trust in me. The anger levels and resentments that he didn't want to let go of. The grudges that I am no doubt one of now. The anger at the fellowship and judgements of people. Hatred for certain races. There were a number of things. Oh laziness of work and taking responsibility. These things were intolerable for me in the end. He knew that would happen. A self fulfilling prophecy was borne. I wanted to try and do things differently and with some things he didn't - resulting in the inevitable end as he predicted. His anger towards me saying that he didn't believe me about me and men was totally unfounded. After attending a meeting in Winchester he had decided that I was not trustworthy. I had talked to his friend, I had talked with a guy he had introduced me who had relapsed. He gave me silent treatment when we got home. I went to bed and then there were sulks int he morning. That was the final straw for me and after all the week of more and more contact with Mrs E etc I just did not want anymore of it. I asked him to leave he got angry and that was that. He left without giving me my key, without giving me £10 he had borrowed the evening before for tobacco and without shutting the door. That hurts! And without returning the £240 for the tyres that were slashed when he was first staying. I had written that off anyway but it leaves me very short and I cannot afford a washing machine. Silly me. (I think I've already written this)
Lots to learn. And that's the truth of it. Another experience that has shown me many things. I regret that I have lost what was pleasant connection before.

Insight will come out of these whirlwinds. God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. I believe both these statements to be true. In conversation with H, Melbourne Australia this was highlighted. My sponsor had already said that everything will become clear. And I read a weekend magazine earlier that also had a page saying that Everything will become clear. It will. I know.

Not to mention all the comments on the AWOL about how things will present themselves all in good time.
So I visited S and C whose house I will be sitting whilst they are away. I met R who is their foster child. She is 21 and soon to be moving on. She seems established an easily manageable. There is also P staying with them. He is in AA too but staying there without too many people knowing. I recall him now. G would have hated that idea. He wasn't keen on staying there. He agreed to but I feel sure that just as he did with Christmas and Boxing Day, agreed then found ways to do what he wanted anyway. Another thing about him, his unfriendliness towards people. How could I ever include him with my friends. I am a sociable person. It reminded me of my mum and dad. he was always moaning and created hell whenever my mum wanted to socialise. Oh it was so right to be out of that.

Life of Pi





While travelling on a boat from India to Canada, Pi (Sharma), his family and all the animals from their zoo are thrown to the sea in a terrible storm. Only Pi survives, drifting for weeks in a lifeboat with the dubious company of a vicious tiger as both fight for survival.
I would give it 3 out of 5. It was twee yet beautiful too. I loved the possibility of it all being a fabrication or analogy for humans trying to survive. The idea of a monster bringing out the monster in someone else interested me. Do I bring out the monster in people which brings out the monster in the other person and so on. I want to step away from my monster.

Cast Irrfan Khan Tabu Suraj Sharma Adil Hussain.

Directors Ang Lee.

Screenwriters David Magee.  Cutter's Way A film from 1981 Interestingly the film nearly got discarded. However some good reviews saved it's day. I gave it 3.75 - it's slightly dated. Cast Jeff Bridges John Heard Lisa Eichorn Ann Dusenberry Directors Ivan Passer Screenwriters Jeffrey Alan Fiskin Bliss XX

Crazy head

Oh my gosh! This is so vry difficult being in a relationsship with G. I'm glad that I went to the B's alone today. It would have been a worry for me if G had been there. I could just relax into being with them and at ease. I wasn't feeling 100% still. This flipping virus or whatever it is! I didn't go for a walk and instead fell asleep in front of the fire. It was lovely. I stoked it up and it flamed away warming me to the bones.
Then we had a game of Scrabble and I sent a message to G. Nothing. He has gone visiting with Mrs E again. I just can't handle this. What is it I can't handle though? He ssays he does not want Mrs E at all and yet he eants to be there. He prefers to be there actually. He says it's the dogs and the place itself. But then there is the contradiction that she is his friend. Unless she is drinking and then she is a nuisance. When he's there he cannot recive calls or texts from me. When he is here she texts he responds often. What is this thing? He is afraid he says of upsetting her because there is the chance she will withdraw the facility to visit the dogs and the place. Really he needs to make a choice. Or does he? If I was just accepting and less insecure and not jealous then wouldn't it all be okay? I defy anyuone to be perfectly at ease with this situation. And after all he gets suspicious of my interaction with men or so he says. I think I will simply have the contact freely and not try to be discreet in fear of upsetting him. I have nothing to hide.
I became very agitated when arranging to leave the B's so that I could be hiome as prescribed - around 6 ish. But there was no response and no facility to call G as his phone went straight to answer machine. Then I started wondering if he migt go to the Wed Haslemere meeting which had been a possibility for me. I thought he might be going with Mrs E. Well my imagination fired up in that way I was geting madder by the minute. I hate this feeling of neediness and suspicion. I want it to go away please Universe. What do I do? Do I end this to save myself from going crazy? I am happier on my own I think. Or am I?
The thing is I don't like all of G. He's very shy of work and therefore has little or no money. He is unenthused for anything very much other than walking or visiting the Castle of Mrs E as they call it.
He is creative in so many ways and yet uses none of the amazing qualities he has fully. He uses them I guess just as much as he feels he wants to. But it's really not going places for me. I am feeling bored. Not with him but with myself. I am not doing the things I enjoy doing in favour of spending time with him.
I'm going around in circles.
So what do I do? I need to speak to more people about it. I certainly need some time for myself. This means having that conversation with him. It's flippping frigtening having to be frank about these things.
I need to do more talking and will do with my sponsor in the morning.
It would be sensible to not be spending so much time with him. Then I will also find out if this has just been better than the Pit. Tha's his name for his flat which he describes as disgusting.
I really do want for him to be content with life and to have happy days. But that is only so much easier when I'm not attached in any way.
So I'm so full of confusion there is nothing really more to write.
I'm watching The Importance of Being Earnest. A comedy by Oscar Wilde which of course anyone even half well read would already know. I am very uneducated. A good Victorian play of mistaken identity that also eludes to hidden identities such as in Twelfth Night. I suppose nothing is ever entirely a novel idea. Anyhow this is quite amusing and good to watch a film made. I wish I was a more avid reader. I'm laxy about reading.

Cast Rupert Everett Colin Firth Reese Witherspoon Judi Dench Frances O'Connor

Directors Oliver Parker

Empire gave it 3 stars. I would tend to agree. It's not great but watchable and entertaining.

Yesterday evening I watched an enchanting film called Stardust. It was amusing but not a great.

Cast Robert De Niro Michelle Pfeiffer Claire Danes Charlie Cox Sienna Miller Mark Strong

Directors Matthew Vaughn

 

Although I'm not ordinary, I am a citizen

I've had most of today all alone. And apart from a few brief moments of almost feeling pity for myself, I have overall been quite okay. I felt self pity when I sat and thought about other people sitting on their own. I have always felt a sort of pity for elderly people getting to a point where there is no one else. Ad now here I am I guess. It is not for the want of invites or the potential of others I could be with. It was a choice. G was off dog-sitting and that was not what I had wanted. I want to be special to him and a priority and there was some self-pity arising within that for a brief moment.
But I was actually glad of the time to be alone. I was almost disappointed when he said he was going to come back with the dogs. I hope that wasn't out of pity because he said I looked quite sad.
I am sad. I'm sad that C is dying and yet there is a lot of detachment with any real emotion. It is a distant echo of sadness. I feel as if a little of my mum dies with him ad she's been dead since 2001. It is such a devastating illness Alzheimer's. I keep thinking of how G and K must be watching their father and also be scared for themselves. After all Alzheimer's is apparently genetic. But then I think of the Cancer my mum died of and how most people in her family die of Cancer and then how my dad has had heart problems and apparently that is largely genetic. No one can escape death and we see in our parents a likely future death for ourselves. It is frightening. I would hate to be in m,y dad's situation. In and out of hospital gradually deteriorating away.
My dad called me a few days ago. He sounded so frail, his voice weak. He also sounded very confused. He repeated himself and when I called him the next day he repeated information he'd given me the day before. He repeated the situation T is in, his wife. He had already told me that she was taken into hospital pretty much as he was taken home. He is not being clear about the reasons he has been in hospital. I am suspicious that this is serious. I think I hear fear in his voice. Or maybe acceptance. He told me he loves me and that was strange. He also wished me well in my future. That seemed odd too. I asked him what was going on. He said nothing. He was a little more open the following day when I asked him a little more about T. He explained that she has Ecoli and it keeps getting stronger with each effort to dose her up with antibiotics. He said as well that he knew it would kill her as the drugs affect her kidneys each time. I think this may have been more towards the truth that earlier in the year when I think he said her heart had been affected ad it was a toss up between saving her heart or her kidneys. From N I know that T is back on dialysis.
I called him yesterday and suggested that I might come and visit him for half a hour. He said no. He was actually waiting for T to come from hospital and had thought this was the call to say she was on her way. I wonder if she was let out for the Christmas period? There is a horrible part of me that in greed I hope she dies first. It will be less problematic will wise if she does or so I think. I just have to trust that the order of things is just how it is and whatever happens it will all be okay. I don't like that I think that greedy way. I don't think it is completely unusual but that doesn't make it okay.
I pray for my dad and T. I hope and pray that they get some relief in an alive kind of a way from their ailments and have time of happiness.
Now in connection with G there have been some tumultuous days for me. Heightened insecurity ad jealousy. Having been unwell with this virus since last Monday I feel incredibly boring. I haven't been able to do very much and even then I am not sure G would want to be doing the things I like doing. He likes history, he likes the countryside, he likes bird spotting, he likes being with the dogs and in Elstead. I cannot be any interest in any of those things. I feel very boring and useless to him. Surplus except for the occasional sexual interest. I feel worthless.
Not only that, but I think my neediness is heightened with the fact that my dad is a worry. I wonder if he is fast approaching his last days and hasn't been able to tell me. Hasn't wanted to perhaps. It will be difficult to face such a thing. I feel dreadful that he had forgotten to tell me about Uncle B. He genuinely sounded so upset that he hadn't told me. I expect he is realising he is getting confused. I never thought this day would happen. he has always been such a powerful man. A scary man!
And so I guess to some degree I've wanted G to make me feel better. And yet he's been dealing with his own issues. He is moody. That's the way he is. I can accept it or not. There have been times over the past few days when I've thought NOT NOT NOT. He doesn't want to be touched sometimes. He feels trapped sometimes. He has regular contact with Mrs E. All of these things I've been thinking NOT NOT NOT. He is a ba humbug about Christmas. I'm  not a big fan but I can get into it somewhat with a person if they like it. I don't want to be around big families and things. It's all too exhausting. I bought him a pile of pressies and he bought me nothing. That is no matter really and truly but it would have been nice if he had at least some upbeat feeling. He admitted today that there is some degree of self pity, that everyone is off having a good time and he's not.
There was a line in The Dark Knight rises about the level of anger of a young boy who is left orphaned. Well G was left orphaned but was orphaned off. He has a fury about this. He doesn't want to let go of the resentment and anger. I on the other hand want to keep moving more towards love and forgiveness, move away from resentment. He wants to be angry and shows his anger and outrage. I want to be able to have my say but not in an angry aggressive way.
I don't like this and it's been another NOT NOT NOT for me.
I was honest and said that I want to go to the B's alone. It's a fear though because I then think he'll go running off to the doggies and Mrs E. I have fear that he'll want that more than me. And wanting to be in control of course I think I have to make the move away in the first place. However, if he goes running off to Mrs E sobeit. It's horrid that he misses his old life. I want him to be happier with me. But he's not happier anywhere. He gets some happiness being there in the countryside with the dogs. No humans. It's possible that he may decide to leave me. I wonder if we can be happy together.
I love him as a person though and I like him too. I think there is something in being able to have a say but I don't want to say it with the venom that it seems to me that G wants to have his say. He has an honesty that I admire. I like how he teaches me to be honest and be responsible.
Earlier today I was thinking of ending the relationship. With a little talking it through with a friend I have seen other things. I have seen my ego and how it is focused on me me me. How I want G not to want so much contact with Mrs E because I am jealous and insecure. How angry I am with her for making so much contact and how angry I am with G for responding all the time. I am angry with him that he won't be honest with her in case he loses what little he has there. It is infuriating and doesn't seem to give us a chance to florish. But it's not that alone that stops us from flourishing. No. He has things going on - he faces tribunal that will have a massive impact on his life, he is not working when he can so he has no money, he is facing treatment on his heart, an operation. He has not lived with a woman for a very long time, I haven't lived with a man for quite some time myself.
He has issues with my contact with people and think there's so much contact with "hunks" as he calls them. The odd thing is the only man I am interested is him. He has low self esteem.
I had two lovely walks today. One was the climb behind the church. When I got to the top of the hill the sun burst through. It reflected on all the water that has descended in this area. Whilst it's a lot it's nowhere near the flood levels I know others are experiencing. It's really frightening how the weather is more and more extreme. When G got here we drove towards West M. The road was flooded. We weren't sure how much worse of how long so decided to run back. We walked through Hen Wood. Magalugs ran off chasing sheep. G got really mad. He described himself as losing it. He ripped his coat. He shouted at her. Loudly. He kicked a tree. He was furious with her. His anger can look ugly and nasty. I wouldn't like to connect physically with his anger. He did say at one point "she'll get shot". I know his anger is secondary to his fears, his upset and sadness underlie his fury about his past. I pray Universe for G. I don't know what would be best for him. I simply pray for him.
I want to learn acceptance of people with love in my heart. I don't know how compromise comes into that so that there is the possibility of being together, each of us just how we are. Some people I suppose there is too much to have to agree to disagree on. But with some people perhaps there is compatibility.
I love G the person. He has so many qualities. He is quite a wonder to me. His interests, his knowledge, his wonder at the world.
Overall I like him even though there are aspects I don't like so much.
I don't know what will happen. I hope that we can find a way through things and I hope that it just gets better and better. It may. We need to be able to communicate ad I'm not so good at that without being accusational and wanting the other person to change.
There is so much injustice and it seems to me that an automatic response is anger. Anger to cover lack of control which means fear. That means little faith.
I have faith. I believe and therefore I do not need to fear. My resolve has been weakened. I have not focused on my faith. I have been focusing on meditation. I need to culture my belief and I don't know how to bring the two things together. I wonder if Tenzin Palmo (Jetsunma as she is now known) could help bring these things together for me?
So tomorrow I go the B's alone. G will do whatever he needs to do to loom after himself. I am sure I would feel very hurt if the same thing happened to me. I need to say to him that I need some time alone. I think it's necessary and I may regret that too. I am afraid that if I say that he'll take it to mean there's nothing. I would find it really hard to take on the chin. I am afraid too that if he's not with me he'll be with Mrs E. That's all my insecurity on the surface. Aaaargh. It's flipping painful and difficult having all these very exposed nerve endings.

So The Dark Knight Rises. I think it was actually a very good film. With Christian Bale the films are dark. He plays them with a very negative turn all the time. He is a hero but with a darkness to him.
I would give it a good 4 even a 4.5. It's Hollywood of course and with favourable outcomes. They are an epic series now because they are money spinners. I doubt whether it's ended yet. They'll keep churning them out until there isn't an audience anymore.

Cast Tom Hardy Anne Hathaway Christian Bale Joseph Gordon-Levitt Marion Cotillard Josh Pence Tom Conti Matthew Modine Gary Oldman Michael Caine Morgan Freeman

Directors Christopher Nolan

Screenwriters Jonathan Nolan Christopher Nolan

If you haven't seen it I would say it's worth a look.

I noticed that Miranda Tate is played by Marion Cotillard who also plays Stephanie in Rust and Bone. Now that film for me was a 5 star. It was an emotional roller coaster. I loved the sub-plots that could easily have been too distracting in an English film. Somehow the story was unusual enough to grip my interest as well.

Nev Pierce wrote the Empire review - I liked this paragraph "Bane is not fuelled simply by whatever pumps through his mask, either, as Alfred (Michael Caine) observes: “I see the power of belief.” The Wayne family butler has acted as his master’s conscience throughout the films and he’s at it again here, challenging the bruised billionaire about what he could achieve if he sought social justice instead of rough. Indeed, there’s a sense that Wayne has regressed back to the boy of Begins, his journey out of the grief of his orphaning reset by the death of his childhood love."

"As Gotham prospers in the wake of the criminal crackdown brought about by the death of District Attorney Harvey Dent — and his mythologising by Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) — Wayne feels he can stay hidden in his mansion, a truculent Beast resisting being transformed by Marion Cotillard’s Beauty. Where his parents were active, engaged philanthropists, giving life to the city, Wayne nurses only his own grief. He walks with a stick as symbolic of his psychological frailty as his physical degeneration. Here, the film could be said to be going over old ground, but Wayne’s mental fissure has been mined in the comics for 73 years and it’s testament to Christian Bale’s stalwart, admirably unshowy but soulful performance that we once again feel for a man born to privilege but eternally trapped in a personal prison.

This is aided by a valedictory feel to the first act, with everything freighted with the knowledge of its finality and a sense that this will not end well. Caine is all heart in a beautiful recollection about his hopes for his surrogate son, while Joseph Gordon-Levitt — who looks supremely dashing despite a somewhat glamour-free role as a rozzer — also has a sorrow-fuelled speech, but with a more positive sense of belief to counter Bane’s destructive faith.

Then, when Batman finally returns, you relish the gleeful comment of a copper to a younger colleague: “Boy, you are in for a show tonight, son.” That you are, even if the film doesn’t, until the very end, match the emotional tenor of its blistering beginning. That 45 minutes or so can be called the ‘beginning’ gives a clue that Batman not only rises but lengthens. This is a long film that feels weighed down somewhat in its middle section, struggling to carry the weight of exposition. The desire for scale and belief-beggaring action also means that, curiously, what would be other movies’ budget-blitzing conclusions are reduced, in a way, to the level of mild incident. There is more plot here than there is story and as impressive as certain scenes are — the sporting spectacle seen in the trailer, for example — they can feel a little like a very expensive treadmill when you’re waiting for the emotions to really run.

As ever, Nolan’s Batman is at its best in the more intimate moments — whether it’s a man finally realising a hero’s identity, or the scene- (and jewellery-) stealing introduction of a new character. As slinky burglar Selina Kyle, Anne Hathaway is superb: physically dangerous, emotionally intriguing and sexy without milking it. (It’s a very different take from the Catwoman portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer, but no less enjoyable.) As ambiguous as Kyle is, her journey shares with Wayne’s a sense of struggling for a fresh start, for a clean slate, ultimately for redemption.

Many of the best characters in the Batman universe offer a mirror to the man himself, whether walking that razor-wire between justice and revenge, or being trapped by the traumas of the past.

Dedicated fans of the comic books are unlikely to feel surprised by many story twists here, but that’s no surprise in itself given the DC icon’s extensive history."

Bliss
XX






 

A Little Bit of Everything

That's what I want - but sometines it's a little bit of this everything and sometimes a little bit of that everything.
And I realise that it's okay to have interestes in many different areas and desires for many different things.
My mum used to say I was the girl with the curl in the middle of her for'head. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was 'orrid.
I am a person of extremes. Sometimes anyway. And at other times I am a person of mediocre and inbetweeny.
I am everything.
And this has become apparent within this relationship. Sometimes I love that the world becomes very small and even cosy. It's just him and I. But then the other day I had a sense of the bigger wider world and became afraid that I was becoming trapped in the smaller world. G, I think would prefer a smaller world most of the time. His small world though consists of the larger nature. Out in the open, walking and wild flowers and birds. This isn't small but it's a limit for me. Because there is art and London and knowledge and things outside of this. I want more and more knowledge and cherish how different people bring knowledge and interests to me. There isn't enough world and life left to gather all the knowledge,e ven if in snippets. Because with my desire for everything it's impossible to have more than snippets.
Do you know what I mean?
Does anyone else get this sense of something bigger. Is it dissatisfaction? I think not.
I can become restless and discontented when I can't reach out at all. I can sit here in four walls getting irritable that I can't have the enormity of all the world. But if I could I suspect I would want the Universe.
So with Mr Fug, my nickname for G. There have been days and day when I want nothing more than us. Today a shutter went down. It's been building up prhaps. There are things that just don't feel good for me. It's not a matter that they are not good but they don't feel good for me. One is the constan contact from Mrs E. A friendship is one thing but regular contact and a gentle let down is a complete other. He isn't truthful with her. It is as he says a non-commitment to me holding onto something that is important to him. He is afraid of losing it. He links it with his childhood or so he says. I believe him then I don't. What a manipulative tool with a woman to link things with children or childhood. Suddenly I am questioning things.
Yesterday I did something awfully manipulative. I told Mrs E's sponsor that she is still drinking. it was spiteful. I am sick of the woma being manipulative and controlling and hanging on. She will be able to come between us. And so I did this spiteful thing. I regretted it as I was saying it. I even pretneded that I was sorry and that I assumed she already knew. I knew she didn't know. All I've done is betray G's trust. I feel dreaful about it.
Then I think about G. He is a wonderful man in many ways. However he is also very sensitive indeed. He can be so moody. He is changeable and touchy. He is very ANGRY and doesn't want to do a thing about that. He likes the sex we have. And suddenly that was it this morning. I was talking sex and we had sex and I felt the shutter come down.
I'm not at all certain what the shutter is or what triggers it's drop. But I am afraid that when it does drop it complete. I think I probably need to speak with him about it but I don't have the words to really express what it's all about. I probably need o talk more about it with other people. Talking with M earlier there were elements that rang true with ways that I think and feel but it didn't quite hit the nail on the head about the shutter. Nothing yet anyway. I am sure it will become clear. I have felt it before. I can remember where I was and what I was doing the day the shutter dropped shut with SH.
I was lying upstairs on the bed during the afternoon. I had wanted to have time apart from him. Just as I did from G today. Because I could feel the shutter had dropped. I don't know then what finally triggered it.
yet whilst G is away from me today I am suddenly panicing that perhaps he is also closing the doors and wanting out. It may be a mutual thing you see and we both sense it. It's time to get out now but neither of us sure. I am certain that these things worlk together and people are jusy not aware enough - this is what perhaps people call telepathy. I know we have this. I cannot read exact thoughts, desires and so on. But I do believe I read signals. Of course I load them up with my own perceptions and exeriences of the past, my own insecurities and fears and get the messages very jumbled up as a result. However there are signals and messages there to be picked up. I just need to stay quiet and observe to really see if I can establish what it is I am picking up. No gut reactions, just gentle observation. The turth is always revealed and invariably I have picked up something accurately. Look at JH. I knew there were things going on and added to my sense of things my own interpretations which could have exaggerated things way out of proportion. However I was picking up something accute.
So there is the messaging and maybe picking up his messages of irritability and discontent and that has resulted in my shutter slamming down shut. Can it reopen? I am not sure. I am longing for him to be in contact so as not to have lost the control yet I am quite happy on my own and in my freedom.
I am also keen to get to India. Wow! You might think this is something out of the blue. Well G introduced me to the writings of a woman called Tenzin Palmo. I am reading Cave in the Snow and learning so much ad yet also not learning. I am gaining more a sense of knowing. Does that make any sense? Things are put ito words that I know or experience and it feels very arrogant to say so. It feels wrong to say so and yet I DO KNOW.
It's the same with JB talking about the power of the churches he had seen in documentaries recently. I KNOW this already and have always known it.
Something seems so wrong about living here and I've said that for so long now. And I think this nunnery in Inidia is something I need to visit. T is interested but I am not sure how real she is about that. I wonder if G would make the trip with me. I feel that he and I are more friends than anything else.
My mind is flitting all over the place. Now this could be after days of being cooped up due to this virus. Or maybe it's a little bit of hyper energy seeping out. Which could also be as a result of being cooped up. Or it could be the big wide wilderness feeling after the small cosiness feeling.
I will go to a meeting this evening. I have madde a decision without it being dependent on G. I wonder if he feels a sense of change in that and doesn't like it therefore might pull back to protect.
My suspicious mind has decided that he took some things so that he could stay overnight at Mrs E's. I think he actually might like some time out himself. I think we would be better off if he didn;t stay here all the time. Perhaps the heart would grow fonder. I am anxious that actually the heart would be relieved for the distance. And then not want the relationshiop. I would want to make the decision but never can. So that could be the way of things. Me knowing that it needs to move on but never making that decision. That's how it was with SH and JH and JB except I did end that. I ended R and C too. But mainly because they weren't wanting to do the whole proper relationship thing anyway.
Ph phew it's so difficult. I am so codependent. I don't want to hurt anyone and also I'm not sure that I don't wnat what we have. I was certain though when it ended with SH even though it hurt. I was relieved with JH even though it hurt. What with G? I just don't think he would be friendly with me. Could there be a friendly ending? Or is this just me protecting myself?
Who knows. Lots of questions and no answers. Just time to work things through one day at a time, see how it goes. And if he finishes it first - well so be it. Pride will be a killer.
I can meditate. I will sit in quiet meditation for 10 mins before getting ready to go to the meeting.

I love G. He is a very lovely man. He has a horrible childhood story.
I am a bit of a muddle of a person.

Then there's my dad. He called yesterday and said he loves me. Completely without prompting. This doesn't bode well. And he said he wished me well for the future. I have dreadful fears that he is approaching an end of his life. T is hospital and he says it's not good but they keep getting her back together. In my horrid thoughts I want for her to die but his just ugly greed.
I want to see him but he doesn't want to see me. He says he is too thin.
I am afraid. At the same time numb. I don't know what to do with the enormity of the feeling.
Today he called again and this time repested the situation with T forgetting that he had told me. He asked for the family friends S's number, saying he thought he'd seen K on the TV. I wonder what he is going to say to them after all this time and having cut contact with them when my mum died. What is this all about?
He sounds feeble and confused. It is very scary. It seems unreal. I will be devastated I am sure. But it feels all too much to deal with.
I will go to the meeting and share all of this. Greed! Spite! Pride! All defects of character that are appearing to me ironically as I am working on Step 4.
No Step 4 tomorrow to sare about it though. Blast it!

Bliss
XX

Silences between a lot of words

It's been a while. So much has happened. A lot of self awareness, or should I say opportunities to observe myself and learn and grow.
I really would have been better off writing things as they have occurred. There are events that have been enlightening.
I will be writing as events come to mind so not chronologically really.
A funny event involved a horrible situation with G. He became upset by something I had said. After quite a lot of silences between a lot of words he decided he was leaving. He gathered his things gradually and loaded his car. On a couple of occasions I asked him to stay and suggested that we could do this a different way. I was not going to beg. Finally his car was loaded and I followed him downstairs to lock the door behind him. Oh and he had given me my key back. He stood on the doorstep and once again I suggested he stay and we sort this out. He said he couldn't because he was too full of pride and besides he had his spears ready. This was funny because he was standing there with two lengths of copper piping, which he had purchased to put in a shower unit for me. I was determined not to laugh. It was funny though. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the full humour of it. So he turned and got into his car. On returning to my room I noticed a number of things he hadn't taken with him. I quickly sent a text to say it was still here. Nothing. He drove off. That was that. I was both angry and sad. I settled to watch a film and eventually took myself to bed. I was reasoning with myself that if this was the way it was going to be then thank goodness I had learnt this now. And prepared myself to get over him. The next morning I received a text from him with an apology and asking if he could call. I was relieved and also frosty. I felt uncertain because to be honest I wasn't sure that I want to be in such a fragile relationship where I had to watch everything I said. At the same time I was thinking well this is the way the man is and I either learn to accept all parts of him if I ant to be with the man I seem to like or I just say no. Being such a romantic he suggested going for a walk and then an AA meeting at Littlehampton. How funny that was. G is very humorous and out of the box.
We went for a lovely walk. Apparently I gave him a bit of an earache about the situation, however I wanted to understand what had happened. I did say that if he walked out too often then I wasn't sure I'd be able to deal with it at all. We agreed to resume the relationship and see what happens.
Since that trial separation we have had a couple of other difficult moments. Both of which G did not leave for. The next one involved me being insensitive. I had earlier in the day met up with G and his friend Erst (N). I was nervous about meeting Erst. By the way he is so-called because he uses the word erstwhile when describing his estranged partner. Another funny G-ism. He has quirky little names for most people.
As a result of being so nervous I was ultra chatty. A lot of words again and no gaps for silences. It was probably babble but as it was endless I have no idea what I said. I was nervous to make an impression. I know Erst vaguely from the rooms but this is a friend of G's, although he'd say differently. I wanted to make an impression on Erst because for some reason I think it would be an influence on G's thoughts about me. Gosh I have convoluted ideas. I have always wanted to make an impression on boyfriends friends. Even wanting the friends to fancy me. What is this all about?
I do not want Erst to fancy me and never have wanted them to fancy me for any kind of affair  but so that they would want someone like me and also think how lucky G, for example, is. It's all mental exhaustion. I recognised it though but just couldn't stop the babbling. Mongolian Mouth Mumble as M would say.
So all was well. Except I felt uncomfortable about my Mongolian Mouth Mumble. Also I think there was a bit of an atmosphere. I had been to FA in the morning and initially I was travelling back straight from the gallery to meet with G and go on to H's birthday event down in Godstone. I received a text to say it was cancelled and hence it came about to met with with G and Erst who were having cuppas at the Devils' Punchbowl.
I can't remember if G was a bit moody. His moods do seem to fluctuate more than mine I believe. Perhaps he'd already been pissed off with something. I sensed a something in his tone and lack of conversation this evening on the phone. It's not worth asking if he's okay because the answer is YES! Yet clearly not all is okay.
I'll go on to talk about where he is and the impact I think that is having on me and us.
Anyway this Saturday evening I'm referring to, G started talking about how people have a lot of words and are not really saying anything and what is it all about anyway. I am making this up really because before he could utter very much I was jumping into heated to discussion, talking about the value of communication etc etc etc. I was proving that words are perfectly necessary and relevant. I was defending my behaviour from earlier when he possibly was not referring to that and instead talking about something related to his Buddhist meditation practice. I still think there was some connection with earlier but he says not and I want to believe in him. He seems very open and honest. Although he does tell porky's to Mrs Elstead. He tells lies because he doesn't want to hurt her. It is so infuriating. But at least he has told her about me. I just realise that if he codependently lies to her he is more than capable of doing the same to me. However he tells me he would be truthful. When he is angry after being there I do often wonder if it's because something has happened that he can't be honest about for fear of hurting me.
It's either my intuition or I'm highly sensitive to the situation. You see he has been in a relationship with Mrs E. She is married so he is not adverse to the infidelity. I'm not judging for goodness sake as I have had a number of relationships that were unfaithful on one or both parts. And this was another argument when he felt judged and yes I was judging but because I wanted him to see that it was not okay to have a relationship with a married woman. This was so that he wouldn't get involved with Mrs E again. Very manipulative really and critical too without really seeing in advance what I was doing. Despite the difficulty of another argument I was glad to see my behaviour. I have done it again since. And of course I see the fear driving my attitude and behaviour. The attitude was to show him the error of his ways so as to control him. And my fear was that it would be over and worse still for another woman. I am so fragile with feeling okay about myself that whenever it has happened that a man has left for another woman I have more evidence to show that I am a horrid, ugly woman. Desire me otherwise I'm a lump of shit! An indication about just how far down my esteem actually is.
Going back to the first went, I don't actually think I had done anything wrong at all. And being early on in our relationship it was much easier then to lock the door and think move on than it is now. Time has passed and my feelings are developing into something stronger. Dar I say the word love. I have told G that I love the person he is. And I have said often I love you. Am I in love with him? I don't really know what this means. But there are times when I can't get close enough physically and I want to eat him. He has said similar things which is always nice to have things reciprocated.
Anyway back to the mouth mumble incident ... I can't remember precisely what happened. However I think this was the occasion when he stomped to the bedroom. We had been watching Immortal Beloved. Oh I enjoyed the film for the music and learning about Beethoven. Consider it worth a watch.
Directed by Bernard Rose and a cast of Gary Oldman, Isabella Rosellini and Johanna ter Steege.



G made a joke just recently that he didn't want to watch this film as it had caused an argument between us.
Anyway the Mongolian Mouth Mumble situation resulted in me eventually being able to apologise. Good for everyone really. And so what if a client is angry with me. We have panic buttons.

I'm too tired to write on. I think I need to go to bed.
Nighty Night
Bliss
XX