Bits I removed
Better than Star Trek
for every mortal step you take, another cog in a giant wheel behind the curtains of time and space advances, and with it, 10,000 new possibilities.
I wish I could remember this at times. Today it seems less relevant.
My goodness I hadn;t realised I could act out on text sex. It has been powerfully arousing. I am not proud of this.
On Monday I am committed to cutting contact - I don't intend this to be forever.
I am aware all this acting out behaviour has been a big distraction from everything - revision. Sabotaging that so that I fail the exam. Actually even before the exam I am ready to run because I am so unprepared and still unab le to discipline myself into studying.
I let my very very wonderful friend down yesterday. The evening before she had invited me to go over for supper after work.
The turth is I didn;t want to ask A and G yet again to look after LouLou when I knew I would be asking them to look after her tonight Sunday . Iw ant to be honest with L but don;t want her to be ashamed of me and hate me for me letting my addiction be more important than her. The truth is right now it is.
I am so fucking poerless. I have never before realised the power of this addiction.
The thing is it's easier than dealing withe verything else and yet it's not the pain I feel for my unmanageability.
Love addiction is the most peorful thing I have yet encountered. The energy inside me as I write this is so immense. It's a mix of really intense feelings . It's not him it's the addiction.
I really want to be free of it. It's driving me insane. There is some fear in me of the evil like GW. I don't mind writing his name to protect anyone who might ever encounter him to know that he is a very dangerous man.
If he kills me that would make it all go away anyway! Yep that's how I feel.
Underneath all of this is fear that I will not get a pass or do well in the exam despite the course work having been good.
There is also the issues to do with my father
I spoke with him Thursday before my birthday. I had a horrid hurt feeling he wouldn;t call at all and yet was terrified of the expected call.
As he was telling me he had been on yet another cruise with T his wife I started feeling the fury! When my mum was ill all she wanted to do was go away on a cruise. My dad kept saying he couldn't - I knew it was an excuxe. WHY THE FUCK DID HE STAY WITH MY MUM IF HE HATED BEING WITH HER SO MUCH! I don;t get it I just don;t. Why did he treat me so fucking baldy - he should have gone hyears and years ago - saved us all from him!
I feel murderous towwards him at times and then think I am well over the top.
I go into this thing where I know he did horrid things to me as a child and yet I think perhaps he didn;t and I have made it all up.
Yet there are so many signs - body flashbacks and memory flashbacks. Then I think have I confused it with all the things I have done myself with men well bioys since I was young.
I feel completely crazy.
I am so looking forward to seeing S on Monday ebvening - therapist. He is just the beginning though.
Fukc FUCK FUCK!!!!
I remember the withdrawals when I cut contact with J and R.
What the hell will I do with all this fury that is erupting all over the place. I have been able to contain it at work by shutting off and focusing on the clients. I want to save one of them as she speaks of issues close to my own heart.
On Friday I went to SLAA and on the way back thought fuck it. Sent a text to a friend saying "Can't be with me. Going out. Safe friends." She sent a text back saying OK stay safe. I was prepared to have a drink. I found the guys after all these years stillo in the same place doing the samne thing. They were already horridly pissed. It looked so unattractive thank goodness. When I saw the look of all of that and then the slurred conversations about nonsense I stayed but changed my mind about drinking. They were naughtily suggestive. Reference to my tits even lifted up my dress.
I was disgusted but didn't know how to stop them doing that. That's what I think I am supposed to take and yet intellectually know it's not right.
Eventually I left - it was even diffcult to leave not ebcause I wanted to be there but because I think I have no rights to leave.
FUCK I am completely insane.
Powerlessness is upon me and I am shicked at the strength of it.
. This was Friday week ago. I was supposed to tbe at her house to go out for a meal - for my birthday.
I have a number to ring. I will do that today.
Ugh! This stuff is so fucking hard.
I am scared of the fury that I know is there. I have been calling it rage. S said uncontained fury. That's what I cut on. When I hear the song "negative creep" and the lyrics daddy's little girl aint a girl no more - it makes me cringe and feel violent.
I am going nuts truly.
I have to remind myself I am trying to work through this madness.
I am trusting that there will be a way through. It better bloody work.
Page 88 line 8 - It works. It really does.
Will go again to NA but I have a strong feeling Simon will be there this evening. I think this coz J was there last week. It feels like a conspiracy type thiung. He went along on behalf of S to see if the rumours are true and I am going. I am thinking for his anger that he will want to reclaim that meeting as his. He laways said it was his.
Then of Fri J was at the other meeting - she said hello to me. I said hello back. I feel anger and hurt about her.
People! Me!
I think I am a fuckwit right now.
Is ent an apology to L for letting her down- she said she was disappointed. I know that feeling I hate letting her down. The pain is the same as when I let my mum down
I have to get this fucking behaviour sorted out. I want to be different I really do.
Please Higher Power help me get on today. I need to revise
Please Higher Power help me get on the road to recovery again.
Thanks for listening.
my story! It's been a fucking nightmare - adventurous I suppose. I have several books in me I guess. They say everyone has a book in them.
When he said that I nearly said so did I - but held back. They don't need to know everything.
The truth is my life's journey so far has been less than straight, less than boring and at times dangerous and at other times wild which I can get hooked on.
Right off to start some revising
ME
Desperate for crumbs
It's been a few days since writing. This can be accounted for by a number of events.
A weekend at University (love saying that, I feel all academic and clever suddenly and then I negate that with well it's only the Open University, and it's only playing at learning etc. I so completely negate all the worth in anything I do very very easily - it's a pity that I continue to be so hrash on little me) Anyway I had a great great weekend at Warwick on many levels. Not only were the lectures interesting and I have an clarity of the overview of the course but know I have a lot of detail to learn for the exam - here I am avoiding the learning -. It also was a big growth in commnicating with strangers and being open and honest. I managed to get myself out of my room for dinner on Friday. I walked into an already busy bar area. I sat down on an available seat but the people already nearby were engrossed in caht and did not welcome me at all. People generally don't seem to do that. Then a lady came and sat down next to me. I said hello and initiated conversation with her. We walked into the restaurant together and we passed another lady sitting on her own. I suggested we sit with her as she was on her onw first checking with her if anyone was sitting with her or did she prefer to be alone. Then there were 3 of us. By the end of the weekend the first lady had dropped off. I am not certain why. But the second lady and I seemed to gel and were soon joined by S who I have met at my tutorials and the another younger girl/woman K, who was just so charming. I didn't with any intention to discuss me and my recovery etc so was able to talk about me in a rounded way when it was necessary. IN the past I can hide behind being in recovery - people ether run away or get fascinated by that subject in itself and not me. See so clever at hiding. Anyway the subject did come about and in a most appropriate way - K wanted to know more and more sharing very openly about her personal situation meaning that I could share my experience of change when she asked queations. And S was interested for her own things. B just wanted to impart knowledge as an "expert" medically and although I disagreed on certain issues I didn't need to argue.
I managed to go and inttroduce myself to Prof T who has become my hero. I want to meet someone like him. Maybe a little younger although I may be doing him an injustice. He seems charming and not inappropriate. His wife was there so maybe that's why he was a good boy. I am not stunner in fact I think I am ugly but when I walked in the room I think I was sexual at least sensual after naughty texts with C and I did notice Prof T look again. Do you know what I mean? I feel embarrassed saying that coz I relly don;t think I am attractive in any way and why would anyone look twice but sometimes it does happen. What I think is they look again and realise it's not great and that's that. After all I am not swamped with admirers.
Anyway that was time away and busy. This week I have been absorbed with my addictive behaviour around C. So much so that I still haven't done my essay that will result in a 0 score. And this course so matters to me but in addictive behaviour the addiction becomes the salient issue and all things I value and people are cast aside. I hate it and can see it intellectually but still resistant to stopping. I know that I need to cut contact and can do this with SLAA HOW. I just need to find a meeting get a sponsor and work the questions. Maybe after the 30 days it would be possible to be friendly with him? I still want the crumbs you see because it's better than nothign as nothing reconfirms how shit I am as a person - fat, ugly, not likeable and not worthy of being loved!
My food has been slightly topsy-turvy. But because it's in a controlled eating less way that's seeming acceptable in my anorexic thinking. It's so not OK. I did eat a nice meal and had a lovely pud too last night. But I had not had lunch so although got back on track immediately there are little slips allowing not eating ehre and there. Feeling so fat of course.
I had an accident in the car on Wednesday. A woman drove into the back of me at a roundabout. There is no visible damage tot he car but I was aware by Wednesday evening that I was shaking, my neck and shoulders hurting and during Wed to Friday my concentration and memory have been a little shot away.
I need to get to the docs but so hate going and seemingly making a fuss
ooooooo phone ringing.................................R - lovely to hear from her so sad Kissy Burr has died last night.
Just to quickly finish - yesterday Uni again. Yesterday evening Secret Garden Party - in Farnham - yipppppeee hippppppeeeeee stuff in Farnham.
Then today is supposd to be studying - phone call from my lovely lovely L then S now R. And it's alreadty 1154 and not a single word written of my essay
SAAAAAABOTAAAGE! What the hell!!!!????
I want some hot steamy sex but with a stranger so there's not intimacy but then I will feeln so ducking horrid afterwards - same old same old.
I want an exciting loving intimate relationship with a lovely man. But then I look at couples way down the line and don't want that normaldom.
Ugggggggggggggggghhhh it's so hard being a human! Don't want to be anything else so there's little left but bring on death!!! Be careful what I wish for.
OK some words now to be invested into the essay.
From mememememememmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Who am I?
Lunch with Vivaldi, breakfast with Jackanory
I am acting out -I think. Well I am but I need t keep it back to friendship. How on earth do I do that?
I have been having email chat. Well banter really. It's very -------- what is it? It's telling a lot. And very often. This week it escalated to text chat. A lot a lot. ANd I like it all. I have been enjoying the attention. And then it went to the mext stage - a live person to person phone call. Wow was that scary or what? How can speaking to someone for the first time like that be so damned angst causing. The reason why? I know is because I don;t feel enough - already. And that phone call has confirmed a meet up today. Well that's if he is able to get away. Yep the bastard has a partner. I don;t really know what this thing between us is? Of course in my thinking and make believe world he is going to be THE ONE. I always make anyone I meet THE ONE. I live this make believe relationship with them day and night not at all facing up to the reality of the day. Why would I it's so much easier having a make believe relationship. It's all happy, everybody likes him and he likes all my friends, there's no insecurity or .....
Shit if he's coming he said he'll be here about 10am - it's 930am. I tried to tiy up a bit but it still looks hippyish and messy. At least I cleaned the bathroom and the hoovered the carpet but the windows have yonks of dust now.
... problems. He's supportive of everything I want to do and we have lots and lots and lots of fun. Then of course I am escaping the reality of the each day which to be honest I find difficulty living. Just people being people and me being so not enough for anything or anyone. Yes I can honestly saying living life is not easy for me and so a make believe relationship suddenly makes everyhting OK. I have lived in make believe worlds since I was a little girl - escaping! How sad I can feel about so long as I stay detached. If I engage fully it bloody cripples me from the very soul. I can feel it. Tears. RAGE!!!!!!!!
Well C has not called so I am guessing all this monrings anticipation will turn into huge disappointment and what the hell will that turn into in an addictive way.The anticipation has manifested as reducing food intake - actually a coplete loss of appetite. I ended up having a sandwich and last night I had an apple.
I am not abstinent. Grrrrrr. I have had breakfast. I will have a lovely lunch. I may even go out for it?????? If C doesn;t turn up. Still hopeful. I am certain he said he would make contact. But you see this never knowing thing happens when someone has a partner.
What the hell is this thing. It's supposed to be simply friendship. I did say to him if that's all it is then surely to be able to tell his partner is OK. But he's had an affair - he says once before. Gosh he is such an untrustworthy person and of course I am attracted to all of this chaos already.
Why oh why oh why? I know it gives me a temporary fix. But already it's turned into I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I hope he's really realy really unattractive if I do ever meet him. That way the energy that it creates in me will be immediately dissipated.
Let me tell you about lunch with Vivaldi. I am not sure what was going on there either. There is a Dr where I work Dr A. He's probably about 32. But blody hell he has beguiled me. A few times now we have sat and had lunch and he talks about his interests in music and art. He is so knowledgeable and passionate. He lives outside of Budapest is now doing his few weeks on duty then travelling back and living there in Hun gary. He was telling me yesterday about the beautiful music hall in Budapest and the way he used his hands to slowly slowly depict the way the acoustic thingys moved my goodness he has real passion about this. He as teeling me and telling me and telling em. And he was looking straight into my eyes - eye contact for ages and ages and ages. I was wondering when he would avert his eyes but he didn't. My goodness what was that. The nurse who was also having lunch said she was going. I think she felt the something as well. But... How can that be. He's young good looking so so so intellectual and knowledgable. I am old, ugly, fat and so uncultured. I said that I am not ediucated in the arts but I certainly know what I like and it ignites my soul. I wanted to sound like I knew it all and was pleased that at least I said that. He talked to me like I know though. I didn;t want to disappoint him. Oh well. He said he would bring in the CD's of Cecilia Bartoli Dr A wanted to see her whilst he was home but was unable to get tickets). Just listened to her on You Tube. Wow can she used her vocal chords. I can see the attraction for the beauty of her talent and of course the philharmonic. Now classical music I really do like and enjoy sometimes. I would like to understand it better - the theory is complicated for me - maths. Oh did I mention that my dyslexia test resulted in her diagnosing me as dyscalculic. Can't even spell it let alone pronounce it.
Well it's 956am no call nothing. He's bloody well not coming is he? Bastard. He did say would I be angry if he couldn;t come but at least he could let me know what's happening. He said in a text last night he was looking up EM on the map. Oh yes he's coming here. And yous ee that's another thing. I have lost everything and have very little. Social housing - lovely falt in a lovely village. A clapped out old car. And I am so materialistic and yet claim not to be. Anyway I am ashamed of my status. Why is it so important that he has such a wonderful impression of me. Not having anything makes me want to be the wild child and show he the mad world I can live in as well to make up for being a failure financially.
Gosh this is me - take it or leave it. And you know what it's not OK to be in a relationship and sneaking about. He says it would be difficult to tell his partner because of his affair. Why then is he sneaking about at all?
I do feel let down though. And it's not something I can share with anyone because I kept it a secret anyway.
Grrrrrr I get myself into these things. I wasn;t even sure that I would be able to resist wanting close contact if he did turn up anyway. I am so needy of being lvoed and then I HATE them. I loathe myself.I am angry that I am like this. I nearly wanted to write that this is the result of my childhood experiences with my dad but wanted not to because I went inot the sudden disbelief. Sometimes this is so so so so so so so so so so hard being me.
Earlier this week my colleague I was talking about adult survivors (of childhood sexual abuse). He wasn't talking about the details of his clinet but the situation and that he would like to get training to specialise. He was talking about what he knows are classic symptoms. I was SCREAMING inside. I was flitting between thinking he could see straight through me and that see he can't see those in me so he thinks I am lying. He doesn't even bloody know. The screaming was escalated when I got to A anf G's and I talked about the screaming inside. It just got louder. I called J to see if I could scream it out at hime. I was hating all men they are all f.......g rapists. As I was screaming and ranting at him for being a fuckwit for now bveing able to listen to me and give me bloody stupid fixing advice I suddenly realised that I was actually blaming him. Now when I was having therapy S had said that it seemd J seemed to represent my father and R (at the time) was the representative lover. As I was getting angrier and angrier and he was fixing me and trying to silence me I flipped. I so wanted to cut. I haven't cut since 2006. I would like to be able to. It was so difficult the desire was so great and then the wanting not to as well. I was really fighting. The hurt inside me was immense. I can still feel it as I write this. There is this burning burning rage in me. I want it to come out. I thought I could send S a text to try and arrange a session with him but I only have his landline and I haven't found the courage to call him. I am realsiing more and more that if people hear my voice then they get closer to me and because I am spontaneous with the spoken word they get further in. I can really fear the rage and the resistance to let people see this. I don;t know why.
Anyway I ranted and ranted - the raging energy was so immense I felt powerful. I was jumping upa nd down. Bloody hell. Eventually I was all spent out and I had that blissful feeling I get after I have cut. It's like taking heroin, I feel wrapped in cotton wool and such an amazing serenity.
We have a self harmer in treatment right now.
Well it's 1010 no 1011. It's clearly not happening so I need t focus my mind on my studies. This evening I am going to meet L at the Sunday NA meeting. More anxiety incase I encounter S. I will try to be friendly and less fidgety and stupid. I was acting all silly and girlish last time. And thank goodnes S didn;t arrive. It was lovely being there - some familiar faces lots and lots of new ones. L, P and C and N who was really funny. There was a lot of laughter there which of course there isn;t in OA and CODA. I am looking forward to it.
And of course I am feeling slimmer. Apart from yesterdays meals - actually
He's in EM shit
Down the aisle
I have only 2 more days at N. It seemed particularly odd to day as I said goodbye to I at Camrose. She is someone I have enjoyed encountering each week and yet it is unlikely I will ever see her again. Mind you the field of drugs and alcohol work is a small world, like any field of work or industry I guess.
And saying goodbye to clients for the very last time - that feels sad. I think I have an emotioanl overload because I have this evening completely detached from all feelings.
I do widner if sometimes the detachment is a human way of taking a rest. There are just too many feelings going on and I can't deal with them. I have eaten some handfuls of sultana's this evening returning home late and tired quite late after a meeting.
I know for many people a few handfuls of sulatna's is nothing So What? Well for me it's imperative that I stick with 3 meals per day. Nothing in between at all. I have broken my abstinence. I am disappointed with this. However, I can choose not to continue and by writing this now it helps to make it real - no secret allowances - and tomorrow I can return to the 3 meals. Tomorrow evening I have another bloody social event. Last one for weeks - it has to be. I am so behind with my studies and don;t seem to find the discipline I bloody well need. Aaargh so frustrated with myself. I think this might have contributed to eating the sultana's.
So Obama has landed at Stansted huh? I wonder what he thought of that beauty spot in the UK?
Side-tracked by Newsnight there.
I was really excited that A sent an email informing me that he wouldn't be able to respond fully to my previous email due to a small op he was having today and then I got home and he had sent an email to say all was well.
Perhaps this is why I am disengaged from my emotions - I am using??? Well I need to keep grounded on this. The crazy head is already married and living a wonderful life with him!!!!
The reality is I had said to him in an earlier email that I like a lot of contact, so mayb e he is being thoughtful and mindful of that. Anyway I thanked him for it. It meant a lot to me actually.
I do read into it though that he is finding me amazing blah blah blah. Just the smallest of thing can be the needy affirmation I need to feel slightly better about msyelf. Of course it doesn;t last. As soon as I see a younger thinner good looking woman I feel like shoe poo again and reminded that he couldn't possibly like me.
The reality is we have had just a couple of emails between us. We haven't seen each other for over 27 years - probably longer. He is just being friendly and possibly enjoying contact like me there is a link with A between us now she is back in Aus. I need to stop reading things into it at all and simply accept it at face value. How does anyone do that? I don't know what that even means really????
Oh I was a little more organised this moring or so I thought. I got my cheque and bank book ready to pay in and transfer some money. I actually made the effort to get tot he bank. I paid in the cheque and then realised the bank book I had was the out of date one! Doh! Felt good that I had actually been responsible though.
I really need to learnt hat when I take action I feel so much better.
I was reminded that Russell's brother died the same way. His poor bloody parents, losing their only two sons to addiction! He was one of the good guys.
Still pondering this humour thing and my sensitivity. No solutions yet coming to mind. Oh other than the hurt is a guide that there is something that I possibly need to be able to let go of. And that probably means I need to do some more talking about it.
Night
X
Down the aisle
I have only 2 more days at N. It seemed particularly odd to day as I said goodbye to I at Camrose. She is someone I have enjoyed encountering each week and yet it is unlikely I will ever see her again. Mind you the field of drugs and alcohol work is a small world, like any field of work or industry I guess.
And saying goodbye to clients for the very last time - that feels sad. I think I have an emotioanl overload because I have this evening completely detached from all feelings.
I do widner if sometimes the detachment is a human way of taking a rest. There are just too many feelings going on and I can't deal with them. I have eaten some handfuls of sultana's this evening returning home late and tired quite late after a meeting.
I know for many people a few handfuls of sulatna's is nothing So What? Well for me it's imperative that I stick with 3 meals per day. Nothing in between at all. I have broken my abstinence. I am disappointed with this. However, I can choose not to continue and by writing this now it helps to make it real - no secret allowances - and tomorrow I can return to the 3 meals. Tomorrow evening I have another bloody social event. Last one for weeks - it has to be. I am so behind with my studies and don;t seem to find the discipline I bloody well need. Aaargh so frustrated with myself. I think this might have contributed to eating the sultana's.
So Obama has landed at Stansted huh? I wonder what he thought of that beauty spot in the UK?
Side-tracked by Newsnight there.
I was really excited that A sent an email informing me that he wouldn't be able to respond fully to my previous email due to a small op he was having today and then I got home and he had sent an email to say all was well.
Perhaps this is why I am disengaged from my emotions - I am using??? Well I need to keep grounded on this. The crazy head is already married and living a wonderful life with him!!!!
The reality is I had said to him in an earlier email that I like a lot of contact, so mayb e he is being thoughtful and mindful of that. Anyway I thanked him for it. It meant a lot to me actually.
I do read into it though that he is finding me amazing blah blah blah. Just the smallest of thing can be the needy affirmation I need to feel slightly better about msyelf. Of course it doesn;t last. As soon as I see a younger thinner good looking woman I feel like shoe poo again and reminded that he couldn't possibly like me.
The reality is we have had just a couple of emails between us. We haven't seen each other for over 27 years - probably longer. He is just being friendly and possibly enjoying contact like me there is a link with A between us now she is back in Aus. I need to stop reading things into it at all and simply accept it at face value. How does anyone do that? I don't know what that even means really????
Oh I was a little more organised this moring or so I thought. I got my cheque and bank book ready to pay in and transfer some money. I actually made the effort to get tot he bank. I paid in the cheque and then realised the bank book I had was the out of date one! Doh! Felt good that I had actually been responsible though.
I really need to learnt hat when I take action I feel so much better.
I was reminded that Russell's brother died the same way. His poor bloody parents, losing their only two sons to addiction! He was one of the good guys.
Still pondering this humour thing and my sensitivity. No solutions yet coming to mind. Oh other than the hurt is a guide that there is something that I possibly need to be able to let go of. And that probably means I need to do some more talking about it.
Night
X
Stalking Nik Kershaw
I have changed my mind about Nik Kershaw I like the songs I have just been listening to - he is wily with his lyrics.
The talking isn;t really about Nik Kershaw. I have been in contact all day with C. He has been in contact all day with me too.
What is this thing?
I really don;t know - I am just being friendly but also the degree of contact is far more than I would have normally with a friend. I mean I can talk for hours and hours with a friend but all day emailing - yet for me it was fun. Checking out song lyrics and the little personal comment in between. Nothin much of anything really. I think a few of his choice of lyrics could have been interpreted if I allow myself to as something more meaningful than just lyrics.
I want as much contact as I can get - that's always me - demanding time until I am all worn out by it. The excitement of fresh blood.
And I sacrificed precious study time and walking LouLou.
Always put attention seeking first.
I do feel rested today - got away from work worried entirely until probably tonight.
I learnt a lesson thought listening to C talk about his life - that's all I need to do and ask questions. Make no summisations just question. The person can make thier own decisions from the questions and the answers they give.
And it's OK not to have answers to problems. Solutions are keep sharing - get to meetings - ask for opinions - communicate with the people involved rather than guessing what they are thinking or trying to control the outcome - explore, find out the facts.
I have truly enjoyed the "exchanges" as C puts it. What is it that's going on though.
It thrills me - especially little comments like "I can't think of anything nicer than sharing a tent with you" - mmmm? That's a leading statement don't you think!?
And food on track so far today. Breakfast, lunch and soon dinner - I am not very hungry.
Oh blimey just recently when out walking I have taken to joggin every so often - and doing it. I hadn;t realised until M men tioned that she is jogging. I assumed that emant one had to run all the way but she said she started by running a few steps then stopping and so on. I might get some running shoes as my walking boots definitely didn't make it easy.
Well off to get msyelf a drink and even perhaps ever so slightly read some of the course work - it's essay time I should be preparing for the essay!!!!! Damn me.
What, why, when, how, who?
Well C stayed until about 530pm. I'm sure he was here much longer than he had originally intended. I asked him a lot of what's etc and he did most of the talking. He said that he was actually a very qquiet isolated person and had spoken today more than he had in years. I will believe him. I find it difficult to trust men.
His story is sad and yet he is able he says to put it behind him. It was what it was. He still has resentment with his mother and allows himself that. He treats her the way he feels she treated them as children, with contempt. It sounds as if she was a very ill lady. I wonder if she is different in the way she lives today. The consequences though hurt poor innocent children who deserved a whole heap better than they did. And I can hear the dysfunction resulting in their lives since then. C seems to have been a lot more balanced in an insular way though.
I like him very much. He is a nice man. It sounds as if he has stayed out of decency in his relationhsip. He said he wanted to leave his relationship when he had the affair. And he still thinks of the girl. He said thoughtfully that there was another half him out there somewhere. He pays a sum every month. I expect someday that girl will want to locate him. I think that was about 4 or 5 years ago. He seems a little lost to me. He says he blimps along - I think that's the word he used. It is what it is. He didn't seem to have a soul fired up. He said he doesn;t do anything because it's a quiet life and too much upheaval to face. I just don;t hear contenetment or happiness. Not that someone is all the time but he's just going through the motions perhaps.
I think I asked a couple of leading questions. Thankfully I back tracked. I am not sure what it is we have had. I don;t know if it will continue. He said he had enjoyed our day together. He said he wanted to continue contact. I hope he does as I enjoy his company. Sme of it is having the male attention which of course he is not free to give and so I need to keep turning that thinking off.
C's story ....
A young boy caught up in the turmoil of his mothers chaos due to her own illness and his fathers absence. Then dealing with the shame put upon him of being from not only a broken but poor family. Fighting literally for respect and self defence. No encouragement with his education meaning that his intelligence wasn't nurtured.
A longing to be with his father who he adored and went onto emulate. A young boy in the army.
Losing his dad again to a brain tumour. His sister seeming to take what he is certan his dad would have left between them.
Witnessing things in the passing of military duty. Such a successful man. Such a intelligence there to be tapped.
I sense a degree of something deeply missing. His soul is alight but not flaming and sparkling as it should be.
I hope, I really hope he continues contact with me and that we can meet up again in the future. I sent a text to thank him and tell how much I had enjoyed our afternoon together. It was probably more than was needed but a lot less than I could have written to put out the hook to see how he felt. He hasn;t replied and that's not so comfortable. But I will elave it now. I will look for an email and texts tomorrow. Maybe he has met me and that has fulfilled the inquisitiveness and this ( I don't know what it has been?) will fizzle out now. I hope not.
I can feel my love addict so alive and kicking. I am aware of it to some degree and in a lot of denial about it too. However, if I can retain a little awareness, I think C is someone I would like to have as a friend. He is interesting, quiet in his manner, he has a real groundedness that I got a lot of calm from. I would like to have in my life for many qualitites that I see in him - tolerance, action, steadiness, a degree of acceptance - were some. When I think of him like that I am less bothered by the addict who wants the cuddles and make-believe relationship.
I long for loving contact from a man - someone who wants to cherish me but not overwhelm me. Someone that I can cherish and trust and not overwhelm too. Someone who lvos me for being me and someone I can love for being them. Trust and freedom. Sharing interests and introducing each other to each otheres interests without interfering. Someone to talk with intelligence at an emotional level. Someone who I can communicate with openly and honestly and work through issues together and find compromise - true compromise.
I long for a real meaningful hug. I long for a friendship first and love that blossoms from that. I long for sensitivity with that man and who will support me through my difficult issues that still need to be worked through. To be able to walk side by side. Watch films and discuss the meaning and song lyrics and characters in books.
Of course the love addict in me wants this to be C. But he is not available to me. I didn;t fancy him. That helps. I really like him though which is also still difficult to reconcile.
I am so so so tired.
What was good was how much I was able to listen and draw information as I listened to the story. It took all day but I think during it he took a long look at how it had been and was philosophical about many events through his life.
Right now I hope I can remain in his life somehow whatever happens next. I think he needs t do some healing before he would be anywhere near ready to enter into a relationship with any healthiness to it. I would like him as a friend though. I realy liked him.
Well no studying as a result. That's OK. I am tired and thankfully off tomorrow.
I will try and get some work done as well as a nice walk or two with LouLou. Then I will have some time Tuesday morning as well.
I would like to do some cultural things with C. Art gallery, music festivals etc. I think it would be lovely to share things like that with someone who clearly gets a sense of inspiration from writings and things. Is it OK to ask him?
Responsibility and Rescue
Very simply, Pamela, the more that you accept responsibility for, the more power you have.
Doesn't that rock?
Love,
The Universe
As you can see I have not even started revising and it's already 10:14 am.
Wondering if C will be at the school reunion thingy on 27th - hoping so but in my fantasy it will be him trying to be with me and wanting me. When in fact he will probably ignore me and focus on other women. His little drop of intrigue - and I responded of course - I might go along on 27th if I am invited byt J and I said of course you;re invited almost saying I hope to see you there.
Gosh this addictive manner is so ingrained and subtle and manipulative.
The reality is I might have to choose not to go - just in case. The woman in the red dress - the killer part of this love addiction thinks this is great - more mean drama - create more intrigue and power. Oh no this is the avoidant isn't it?
Avoidant - woman in red dress, mysterious, doesn't talk about herself, hooks them in, has sex and then dumps them. She is the sexualised fury too - how does that compute avoidant and sexualised anger but it's the power I like. Yuch. Then there is the addict who appears as a rag doll tossed aside in the corner, crying, no life, no energy to even lift her head - abandoned, sad. She is considered pathetic by the lady in red.
I will write more - today has been another difficult day! Surprise surprise
Too embarrassed
Clever L, she suggested that I text her - that's how it works she responded. Of course. If it was decent friendly things then I could send it to anyone.
Hopefully that will subside too.
I can realy see how I have been sexualising the anger. How many times have I said it's OK to be angry it's the behaviour. Grrrrr at me.
And yet also I feel gentler with me too. I really have understood at a feeling level the power of the powerlessness. I was absolutely out of control - choice was not available to me. Right from the first few emails. He said he knew I was not right in the head and yet he continued to pursue. That's not the way forward of a healthy man.
Yet I can tell myself how nice he has been to me too, the complements, the attention. This sucks the way my head can tell me what my fantasy wants me to hear.
I am looking forward to S L A on Friday. I am not to abbreviate it to SLAA, it takes away from the meaning. I says thatt hes ex part is not really the issue. I disagree now. I wouldn;t have done before this episode. In fact I hated the sex part yet could perform so lng as I was detached from being me.
Want to put in the little sketch diagram S drew last night to explain the ID. He says that the ID is Sexual/Aggression raw and then the idea is that our care givers provide us with the EGO, the teraching and loving that we receive creates a sort of membrane protection and interfacs with the world outside, or preparing us all the time to interrelate. The problem is that if the child is abused a wound is created straight into the ID - the fuck versus kill message create fury. Children are immensely clever and develop a cap to keep the explosive fury in - addiction, defence mechanisms such as angst (anxiety about everything), repression (disturbed feelings are just shut out or forgotten), displacement (feelings are placed upon someone, something else), sublimation (sexualising other things such as being creative or caring, libido or energy put into other things - sexual anorexia?), projection (project anger and sxualisation onto other people - blame), reaction information (exaggerating the opposite to the repressed impulse).
There a bit of revision at the same time.
Must go - phongin a S L A new contact. Restrict to 20 mins max as then need to get on with revision. Need to leave at 1130 to collect parcel from post office and get to work by 1pm. No dropping off LouLou coz I left her at A's since Sunday so could be with C uninterrupted. So selfish I am.
More aware than ever I have been. Scared of these withdrawls. I want him to want me. I want him to find me irresistable and then save me from me.
It's all such bullshit fantasy talk. It is my addiction
The reality is I have an exam to focus on - get on with it.
Lady in the red dress
A really helpful session with S.
I have been calling out to the people I can get support from almost all the time since C left.
P, L, A, M, N, J - calling or texting. I so want to be in contact with him. Perhaps he does really like me after all and he is the one who can save me. That's what I want - someone to save me.
I have to learn to look after myself but I just don;t feel capable or even want the responsibility. As I am, I am crazed and a bloody liability. The little girl within me just wants to be saved from all the bad things and people.
My safe place is a little room, I mean a tiny room where I can curl up - it's dark in my room but safe. It's at the end of a long long corridor and none knows the room is there. Noone bothers to even look down the corridor.
I have seen eyes in the corner of the room.
I have had a violent relapse as S puts it. I have cut and been having a violent sexual encounter with C. I could do some of the things he wanted so long as I wasn't me. The thing I have nejoyed the sex. I don't nomrally enjoy the sex. I have always just gone along with it but today I actually wanted it and it was never enough. I feel disgusted with myself for this and embarrassed too.
I deserve better you see. The reality is that C isn't everything I would want in a man. I like some thigns about him but he says he happiest maintaining a qiet life. Basically there is no real communication. No sharing of true feelings and thoughts. He doesn't want to be the bad person and yet is doing bad things. He spoke about times when he thinks he has been mentally abusive and is quite cruel really to his partner.
He is not trustworthy really. He said he could tell very quickly that I wasn't right in the head. But he knew we could get on. He probably as S said could detect my vulnerability even if not consciously. He did say in jest that he might stalk me. That's a bit scary even in jest. A bit of me wants him to - I like the drama.
I was manipulative. I asked him waht his plan was now regarding him and I. He said conveniently that he doesn't make plans. Of course he doesn;t make plans around this stuff - why would he when it's free available sex and the sound of a plan probably freaked him that I would want more commitment. So then I said well I have a plan and spoke about my need to cut contact. he said he was disappointed and I have interpreted that mongst other things he has said to mean he really does ,ike me after all.
There is another part of me - there is the lady in the red dress. She sort of arrives, is very attractive, sees a guy who has sotted her, has a torrid affair fr a couple fo days and then she disappears without saying very much at all. She is all powerful and I think she represents the rage that I am feeling. well detaching from and S says that's probabkly saved me to this point in my life. There will be a time I suppose when I will need to face it full on.
Well now I m tired and even though my bed and bedroom feel sordid and violated I will sleep in here.
Night - no emails to write to C. I miss him already. I eel guilty thinking he is sitting there missing me already - he will probably not miss me at all but miss the sexual interaction and he can find anyone to enter into that with. Not me though.
Really night now
