Aaaaaaargh codependence. No concentration

M called. She is having difficulty getting a deposit back if she cancels her holiday. Why is this affecting me? Well we were booked to go together BUT I cancelled, about a mnth ago now. I lost the deposit and the £40 transfer fee from when we cancelled the Peru trip and got a measly £74 back. I cancelled for two reasons the main one being that I just am running out of money and can't deal with the stress paying out for this holiday would have brought when I couldn't really then afford road tax, insurance, MOT etc. I would just hate the holiday.The other reason being the levels of fitness required and I am jusy not there anymore. I am getting too old.
I can hear M's anger. And I think some of that is directed towards me coz she mentioned how it would have been easier to be in Morrocco if there were two of us and easier not to decide to go on the difficult walk if there were two of thst didn't. I thinks he blames me for her lsiong the money.
I am very apologetic that I have had to cancel. I would rather not have to cancel as I would love to be going to Morrocco. There are decisions I took that really were at another level of codependence. I agreed tot he holiday because I didn't want not to be going if M went. I didn't want to admit to being worried about fitness levels and climbing the Atlas Mountains. I wanted t also have an adventure type holiday. I should have let M book her own trip and not allow myself to be influecned by this competitive element that gets drawn out in cerain circumstances.
And no I am feeling so guilty. I have let her down. I have caused her to lose all this money.
Mind you it's not my fault that the company are arguing about a refund when they didn't argue about it with me. It is odd. I do get thigns sorted out financially when M seems to have all sorts of troubles with organisations. I think there has to be something going on there.
Anyway that is nothing to do wth me - trying to put the blame somewhere else.
I can hear M's anger. Of course intensified I am sure by the fact that she has stopped smoking.
Ugh I hate my codependency. It makes me feel so responsible for people. I did book the holiday in all good faith but I did not expect to get so low on funds with no way to replenish the funds.
I don't know if I will ever have enough money to go away oln holiday again. It frustrates me. However, I have so many other things financially and security that really I shouldn't be moaning about anything. But I do. The great divide!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - feeling as if I have caused the other persons feeling and angst towardds me. I don't know where the fine line is on things like this.
I also don't know how to manage the feengs i have about my new job and keeping thigs right sized.
Not a good day - definitely not a good day.

Loft guilt and flashy cars

Thoughts become things. Choose good ones
I have woken up feeling gloomy. I had a disturbing dream. Of course I only remember glimpses of it now. I was the husband and had bought a flashy car to upset my wife. I suggested she try and catch me. The car was more than a car of course (dreams) it could leap all over the place. It wasn't though as speedy as I thought it was as she at times could keep up with me. Then I started to feel really ill. I had some kind of degenerative disease. I was starting lose the ability to use my legs and gradually I wanted her to help me. I knew as minutes were going by that I also was losing my mind and really needed her to look after me. I managed to get to the back of our house. It was built into a hill in a city so the loft was level with the road at the back. L was in the loft wokring at her computer. This made me feel guilt as earlier in the dream when I was a woman, I discovered the loft. It was beautifully kitted out and G my husband had never shown me that part of the house. I had just assumed it was a loft. I then felt really bad coz M could have rented it and G said that's why he hadn't told me. I showed it to M anyway but it didn't have a bathroom and our bathroom was on the ground floor, 3 floors down.
All so weird.

So have woken up feeling gloomy.. Sometimes I am uncertain if events cause the underlying emotion or whether thats brain chemistry and then day to day events and enotions are tainted with that basic feeling. Or are events of yesterday just now beginning to have an effect on y mood. Scientifically I have always thought the latter but I also wonder if there is a gloominess about me that has to come out regardless of the sun, good things in my life etc. And other times I feel happy despite the difficulties of day to day.
Yesterday I received a call from my new emplyers. The first thing was in my references they had recieved notification of a high level of sickness. I blushed but thankfully they couldn't see that. Anyway I explained the recent sickness due to an adverse reaction to medication. I didn't mention the flu I had had back in October/November. I wished I had now. That was another 3 weeks off. I do think though that I was mentally as well as physically exhausted at times doing the work out on the road and more susceptible to the viruses especially working with people out on the street. It will be interesting to see if I have the same level of slow down as often in this job. I think it's a pattern though. Work, work, work and then need a longer break and fall ill.
The other thing that is appearing as the gloomiest news today is that P the manager of the team is leaving. He will be there until the beginning of May. It has frigtened me that she said he is going to do sales and marketing for a competitor. I know P has always said how good he is at business coming from a very successful family business background. He says he knows hi stuff and the family are a very wealthy family so I have always believed him. They know people, well connected within wealthy circles. As I am typing this I am just thinking it is only what he has said and I just believe him and look up to him without really having any evidence. However, I do think he has been instrumental in maintaining a higher level of clients coming into treatment. Now I am scared that a new manager won't be doing such a good job. I will be working for yet another department that gets a bad name and also won't be wokring with a manager who is able to draw the best from me as he/she will be trying to establish themself in their new role.
I am pissed off about this.
When will I be wokring for a good manager. I think I will talk to F about this - clinical director.
Just express my concerns. Will I wait until I start - yes I think I will. Hopefully there will be an induction week whereby I can get a moment to express this.
I will also wiat until the occupational nurse arrives and bring up the virus thing as well as the recent sickness I explained to F.
Anxiety about new job already. Still having written about it I have some sort of a plan.
I will chekc it out with friends as well.
Right back to studying now I have been able to empty my head a little of these issues.