dropping into intensity, What if?

Antares is the red super-giant star that is it's heart.

As the Alchemist knows
"As above so below
As below so above".

"We are one," says the Wizard.



Bliss, there is no detail so small, no thought however fleeting, no word unspoken, no deed mindlessly performed, that doesn't send its vibration into the unseen, reaching my heart of hearts, where it echoes and returns as more of the same.



And as your cumulative manifestations draw your attention to the stunning and absolute power you have over your destiny, you'll come to see that, really and truly, there's no such thing as a small detail.

You have the keys to the Kingdom...

The Universe
 
What if, Bliss, loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?



What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased?


What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged?


What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?


And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless?

Well, whatever you feel, Bliss, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what?

The Universe

Sauerkraut and a cigar

Grr I really don't like the way the hormonal shifts affect my libido.
I actually feel ashamed and worthless as a woman let alone as a lsave, when my sensuality is so low. The odd thing I don't feel particularly attached to emotions. I feel flat if anything. Little seems to be exciting or even interesting. I know this will pass but bloody hell! Noone ever told me that being human was quite so bloody complicated.

Yesterday and this morning, E was talking about quite emotive matters. I could hear her loud and clear and was not in the least bit emoting. I listened calmly and without much reaction at all. I did feel very irritated actually this afternoon with A. It was the false conversation and the lack of honesty. Not a conscious decision but just fear driven to not be truly open. I did react to that. Quite crossly actually. I tried hard to keep my mouth shut as I was quite sharp tongued I think.

I wonder if anyone else notices these shifts in their emotions, their sensuality and sexiness? I wonder if people find a way to get beyond such shifts? Or is it something I just need to be patient with and let is pass naturally?

I feel that I let MAster down though. That's the hardest thing.

I want to be everything he needs me to be whenever he wants it. And I just feel unable. I am tired, I am lethargic. I am unsexy, I am lacking in enthusiasm. Poor Master.

I am very interested in what Master is doing.

Oh Gosh I was emotionally disturbed yesterday when I heardmasters  disappointment in me. I had entered SL - I was restless, irritable and discontent yesterday. I was fidgiting through life yesterday. I wanted something but nothing was doing it. I went into SL I think triggered by S's recent entry and the wow of the newness of it all. I wanted to just get PR alive again as if by doing that I might feel attached to life too. It was awful being there. I felt very uncomfortable as I suddenly thought that perhaps I was purely an addict with no strength of person and healthy will power at all. Anyway, I like to think I am more wholesome than purely addict and decided to elave again. I did not have any desire to explore further. I said hello to Y but found her to be exactly the same - nothing changing although she had started a course in RL. I am so restless that it sort of irritated me that people in SL aren't necessarily moving on through it.

Mmmm I am so restless generally. It's surely just something I need to patiently sit through. Please Universe may it pass soon - thank you.
Anyway Master had asked why I was absent from SL in the first place and why I would want to return. I had no answer to either question. This is how flipping detached from self I am. It's really, really horrid being so ...... I am not even sure how to describe how I am. And then Master asked how I would feel if he went to SL?
Again I am not sure. I would be worried that it would just be the satrt of many trips in. But then I have lost the purpose for not going in. If Master intends to go to SL then he will. I will surely feel insecure - my reason for going there was not to meet men. I wanted a little connection with S and to be taken away from this sense of nothingness I feel.

Well today I have been enjoying reading - fiction. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Mark Haddon.
An interesting read. And this has taken me away from the discontent within me. It is so strange reading a book where the narrator is actually devoid of emotions or able to have a sense of others minds. a young boy with autism. It's a unique experience for me. The way in which he says what he sees - yet does have reactions to events in very extreme ways. The events the he reacts to arouse emotion in me - well an awareness of an emotional response and yet he has more of a descriptive and physical reponse - to extreme at times.

I wonder how Mark Haddon has been able to write from the autistic viewpoint. He surely cannot be autistic can he? To have such awareness of emotive situations and events and interrelationships.

I like some of the psychological issues that are brought to the fore and see how the course I have completed is useful in so many ways. Pedagogy - - - - - - -

For anyone hoping to be titilated through reading this Blog - current sorry!

It's just not there - would love to receive any thoughts on this shift. Being of the age I am I doubt whether many readers os such Blogs would yet have experienced the monumentla hormones shifts I am going through. I HATE IT!!!! I want it to stop yet if it stops will suggest I am even older.

I reckon by the way I have about 14 or 15 years left to live - that's not long! Oh yes can get quite bleak in my thinkiong too. A move away from the hyper I was experiencing prior to this downward trend.

Even I can't keep up with me.

A nice walk in the rain. But boy I find the change in the clocks links in with the sky getting closer and the air feeling denser. I love the rain. I love walking in the rain and my hair getting wet. I like the cooler weather, even the cold. But I don;t like the air closing in on me. It can feel quite claustrophobic during the winter months.

Love the wintry weather. It's different in the mountains - snow and high skies. Wonder what it is about this country????


And of course adjusting today to the natrual changes in the day and the association with human time - it's just out of order and feels strange to me. I am very sensitive to this change - perhaps everyone is but I wonder if we stop to notice it and just work through it. Maybe it's only me who is so flipping overly sensitive to it and I have to notice every peculiar detail.

Moooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnning Minnie - that's me.


Please please please Universe can you help this phase and the symptoms to pass quickly. Or somehow show me how to be more accetpant and therefore find a more peaceful way to be as I am.
Reading has helped - thank you.


I am looking forward to speaking with Master and listening to the events of his weekend. Hear how he has felt over the weekend. Try to learn and undertand Master and the way he connects or not and interacts with the ways of the days and interrelating with people new to him and those who he has known for a very long time. He is a lovely man. I love him.

Right back to the Curious Incident - and yes it is curious. Life and everything is very curious.
Like it most when I see it as curious and an adventure.
Curiosity killed the cat! So rather than curious - what would be healthy?

Oh I want to moan again - skin is too tight for my innards at the moment - it hurts!
Bloody Bliss

XXXXXXXXX
he he he - no flipping serenity at all

God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.


It's Halloween - I like witches

B


X

Gem In I

Ask not, Bliss, for what is already yours.
You know.
Whoot,
The Universe

http://www.kimweston.com/index.htm



How very very strange that just last night I was saying how I had wanted to ask the man estranged as my father if I could borrow some money. For weeks now I have been saying that I want to ask him. As if by saying to as many people as would listen that I want to ask him, then somehow I would find the courage. Then whilst speaking with E my mobile phone rings displaying a blocked number. I had a funny feeling I needed to answer it. My Father! Furious. Because I was on the other line and had been for longer than he was able to deal with. He commanded me to put the other line down. I did, BUT, for once I found a voice in my anger. I said how rude I thought he was, that I was talking to a friend. He objected and demanded for a little while longer but I did not budge. He said well he was too tired now anyway. I said I would call back tomorrow then and we agreed upon 10 am. I phoned E back, explaining and apologising for cutting our conversation short. She was so pleased with that I had said to my father. I had been boundaried and not submitted to his unreasonable behaviour.
Now this is interesting as for most of my existence I have complied with his wishes even when unreasonable. And I flitted by a comment recently that quite often people with an interest in slavery or submission often have childhood experiences of abuse.
Anyhow back to the story. My father called back. I knew he would. I know him so well. He apologised for being angry and said that he is giving me some money and wanted to arrange to meet for coffee. I said thank you and as agreed I would call him at 10 am the next morning. He moaned and groaned again especially when I said I was talking with my friend.
I called at 10 am - well 10 minutes before actually. I asked if it was too early. He said now and said we will meet in P at 11 am. I was there just before 11. Slightly shaken by m y assertiveness with him. Terrified as a result of being late with the call to him and the meet with him. He was later than his military precision would normally allow - 20 minutes later than coordinated timing. Ha! And so he was inappropriately apologetic - inappropriate because he blamed a traffic jam and the police etc with some cock and bull story about the policeman knowing him and words being exchanged - bullshit!
Anyway, generally the coffee meet was OK. I was myself in a sort of breezy manner - not all tense and barricaded up. He spoke mainly about trivia and other people. Oh he said that his medals were in the Will for me. I am still in the Will - phew! On condition I don;t sell them - the medals. I enquired how he and T are getting along, he choked out a bubbly "fine" into his one-shot Latte - when did he get so hip? And turned the focus onto his dislike of her daughters. So I take it then that he's not entirely happy. Usual story. Grinning and bearing his rather impulsive decision!!! Rot in hell. I should not be so mean and resentment ridden - BUT I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pray pray pray for the willingness to feel compassion and warmth. Through gritted teeth I pray that she and he are happy together and find peace in their latter years. Pray to ungrit my teeth and mean it.
Coffee drunk, hour nearly passed, time for him to turn into a pumpkin. Well he always seems to be on limited time on the rare occasions we meet. He slipped me an envelope like he was passing me an undercover job that would self-destruct when he blinks his eyes. Cash! Wow not even a cheque signed by him. Weird.
Weirder when you understand how he thought a visit from me when mum was still alive meant I was taking another brick from his house. And how he has constantly raised all the times I was a half wit with money and simply a waste of space.
Anyhow I am very grateful indeed for this gift. Not sure whether there are strings attached as he didn't want me to ask why and wouldn't tell if I did ask anyway - (ner ner ner ner ner, I could have sworn I heard this childish taunt). Then as we left he realise he had given me too much. Rather he had not taken out the money "she indoors" wanted. It's not her fucking money went through my angry mind. It's my mums! well not now my mum is dead. BUT it's till not HERS - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
We walked to the car park, still with a jovial spring to our step. I could feel the awkwardness goodbye always brings. That time when he turns to kiss me on the cheek - as repulsive for him I guess as it is for me. What then? Oh yes because I damn well complained about him kissing the ugly step daughters and shaking my hand goodbye once. Let it hurt - don't flipping well tell him. Victim of my own bloody truthfulness.
Oh well - now I need to find a way to stop the kiss. YUCH YUCH YUCH

Anyway - he did not define me. I defined me and let him decide whether he likes me or not - he doesn't have to meet me again ever if he really doesn't like me. But I am not ever going to match up to what he wants so I can stop trying to. FREEDOM.
For today at least
I feel OK right now - somewhere is sadness for the lack of a regular father/daughter relationship. ANGER - RAGE = yup feel that alright which screens sadness so well. Once the anger subsides the sadness and hurt is sure to sting.
I did it and I have some money too.
The little kid in me was so excited that the grown up in me did not let him bully us again last night. The kid in me today wanted something - a toy - colouring pencils, something brightly coloured, something but I don;t know what. I didn't buy anything because this is familiar. Buying something with wide-eyes that when in reality again it's not meeting the need and so something else is needed - addiction - who knows. But I have been home since and writing or reading or talking with friends. Not achieving much at all but just tootling along.
I DID IT!

Oh the LL went to the vets. Happy pills for her. Hope so anyway. Scared of her ageing.
Hating my hormonal changes. Really hating them these last days. Very uncomfortable. STOP IT!

And this contributes to me feeling so unsexy - I am not at all slavish. Luckily Master is away for the weekend. He demands not from me really.
It's odd with him away. It's lovely knowing he is out doing what he loves doing. Fresh air, wood all around him, his very best friend with him and people wanting to learn from him.
It feels OK for me to just be tootling around with these little throw-ins like my father and coffee.
I am so uncomfortable I don't want Master to have to encounter me at all. Ugh - let this phase and the symptoms pass sooner than now.
I don't know why I posted the photo - I don't feel like anything sexual at all. Yet the photo sort of oddly reflects that. A hint of her nipple but trying to keep herself hidden - or is she?
I have discovered Kim Weston's photos and been enjoying them. Hints at and portions of bodies. A lot is left to a creative peruser.
I don't want to be exposed to Master in an y state less than sexy and naughty. I don't want to be exposed when my father is anywhere close by. He's in this Blog. Yuch.
He cannot get me though.

Universe I ask to be shown what I already have - to keep opening my eyes and to learn and grow through the awareness. This happens every day. Thank you Universe.
I love Master.

I have plans to speak with another friend this evening. I need Master's help to know how much time I might be permitted to have with friends.

Bliss
X

Moody Velvet Mountain. Body Landscapes

They bring me to tears every single day, Bliss.
They're almost too much to bear.
Sometimes, I even wonder how it's possible...
Of course, I'm talking about your supernatural resilience, your steely courage, and your gritty determination.
YOU WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS, and they shall say THANK YOU, DUDE.
Thy kingdom come,
The Universe



God essence of woman and sensuality in this photo.........

 

Master arrived last Friday. I was surprised that instantly the slave in me was so much quieter and the lover the main voice. Master also was less Master it seemed and more lover. I don't remember speaking very much about this.
We made love ..... often, lovingly, gently, beautifully.
Master displayed his power, reminding me that I am his slave. I submitted willingly and excitedly. For some time Master had spoken about the need to restrain me. He had asked me how I would feel about this. I remember feeling the thrill rise from my clit, through my pussy and tingle throughout my body.
Master wrapped my collar around my neck, tightening it so that I could feel it firmly. He took hold of it and pulled me towards him, then kissing me firmly and taking my mouth for his own. His tongue darting in and out of my mouth forcefully. Then he took the D-clip and attached it to my collar. I did not know what to expect. Master took his cuffs and tauntingly played with them. I felt a fear as well as the excitement. He let me touch them and feel the coldness of the metal. Master clicked them showing me how they work. Telling me that it is not advisable to cuff people with their hands in front of them, and as he tightened them on my wrists, Master took my hands over my head and clipped the cuffs to the D-clip. I was totally exposed. He coolly asked if the cuffs were tight on my wrists. I said that the right hand felt very tight. Master didn't seem to pay attention to my words as he started to use my body.
I felt excitement once again at my vulnerability and also a degree of fear at my complete helplessness. Master took every bit of me. My nipples, my breasts, my tummy, my neck, moving around my body - his mouth, his fingers. Sitting in nadu, I could feel the tension in the muscles of my arms and the cuffs pushing hard into my wrists. Master layed me down relieving the mild aching. He continued to utilise my clit and my pussy. He brought me to the point of climax, touching and looking at every part. I was helpless to hide or move subtly the parts of me I am usually shy to let him see. I could not this time.
Master, wise to the woman's body, stopped stimulating me and after a few moments my clit started to relax, the tightening in my pussy muscles loosening. Master started touching me again, fast, slow, his fingers exploring me bringing me close to climax once again. Once again, Master stopped, my moans ignored completely. The next occasion Master chose to touch me, just when I expected him to stop, he continued, pushing me over the edge into orgasm. I shook, I sighed, my muscles contracting with such strength. I could not stop. Master watched and smiled and watched. He pressed on my clit
He left me lying there, cuffed and helpless, naked and exposed. We spoke with me still restrained this way, helpless.  Master asked me to get up. He moved my position to hold me close to him. I was so thankful for his loving of me as I felt so exposed and somehow bad.
When Master eventually unclasped the cuffs from the D-clip, he brought my hands still cuffed in front of me. He did not immediately release me but instead talked about the bruises on my wrists and how that might b e difficult for me to explain..........
I was very aware for the rest of his stay that Master's cuffs stayed by our bed until he packed them as he was leaving. I was excited and wary of when he might want to restrain me again. He talked of cuffing me to the bed  - wrists and ankles and might even leave me there.
He left when we were more lovers than Master/slave.


The slave in me, at the moment, is very very quiet. The lover was the prominent one over the weekend with my love, Master. The Master  seemed not to be so prominent in him. I wonder if we reflect each other, or if actually the slave in me brings out my Master. Does Master insist on me being a good slave?  He is such a loving Master and thoughtful of my situation - very respectful. My situation is hormonal - I truly believe that hormones are very powerful indeed - over my mood, my energy, my desire, my appetite, my shape, my whole being, I know that with the little biology I have studied in understanding psychology, hormones are incredibly important and influential in our very existence. Master does not seem to try to override these and told me that he also is feeling very unsexy at this time. Maybe Master's other responsibilities are playing a bigger role right now, maybe he is unsexy because I am. I wonder how I would manage if he were to exercise his rights as Master.

I miss Master since he returned home. I loved Master being with me and me being able to do things for him. I felt very special.

Master is away this weekend. This is the first evening in 7 months he has not summoned me to speak with him. It feels odd. I have him on my mind.
I will speak with my friend E, and there is endless tim e to speak with her, Normally I am eager to end conversations so that I can be available for Master. He wondered if I felt pressured. Oh no - I long to be summoned by him. I rush around to make sure I am available for him. Howver, I do of course recognise that my friends get little of my attention these days. So Master being away this weekend leaves me feeling like there is a lot of emptiness to fill.
I also have a guilt free weekend. I have no studying to do. Not that I was actually studying all through this year. But whilst I wasn't I was always feeling the guilt. Oh thank goodness the exam is over. I oscillate between thinking I have done enough for a Pass 4 to suddenly thinking what I didn't write and how awful it was.
Please Universe allow me the Pass 4. Ashamed as I am not to have put all y effort to attain the grades I now know I am capable of, I would be grateful to pass and not have to re-visit this grinding course. Elements have been fascinating but it's also very repetitive. Grrrrrrr.

My friend S is on SL. It's odd but it's created a desire for me to return and introduce her to PR - and to enjoy her newness - see it all again through her eyes. Wow reading about her first experiences how it reminded me of the childlike wonder of my arrival into SL. The magic, the splendour, the flying, the colours, the people, the incredible numbers of people, the funniest of new experiences, nudeness by accident, vampires, costumes, beauty, well I can go on and on recalling the scenes.
I told her to look after her heart and already I read that she has met a less than reliable person. I look forward to her meeting some of the lovely people. She has been to Chakryn Forest and oh my met someone who has started introducing her to Gorean slavery.
Wow when I think of all the things that she has yet to encounter. I have had such an adventure. I wish I had written my experiences as they happened. I get too impatient to write events after they have happened - after all too much is happening int he hear and now to go back. Yet I had so many wild and colourful experiences. Fun, sadness, shock, eye-opening shock, comfort, friendship, sharing, annoyance - well you name it I had it and a heap more too.

EXAM!!!

Bloody hell! It's today - it's in 45minutes actually. I am so unprepared. Last year waiting for the exam to begin, I was feeling so awful. I got some insight into extreme anticipation. I remember thinking about people on death row - dead man walking! I know there is no comparison in the seriousness of that moment but I got a glimpse I think of the anticipation.
This year waiting, waiting, waiting has been filled with trying to cram in a years worth of non-studying into 2 days!
I have been reading about developmental psychology and education - behaviourism, constructivism and socio cultural influences.
My question is the extent to which developmental psychology and it's application has supported children. I will write a little about history including Darwins theory of evolution and how that influenced a change in thinking about children , the changes brought about in the way education was introduced more broadly as being seen as a way to being about learning in readiness for adulthood. I will then say how the essay will look at the 3 above mentioned theories have been utilised within the education system and the benefits that this has brought to supporting children.
Then I am flummoxed. This should all have been pre -written as it is one question that is seen,
Then there will be two more questions for me to select out of a potential 6 others. I am not ready for any of them. At best I can write some on Attachment theory in terms of children and their relationships and the influence on their development. I have a little memory of Baumarind and her theories of parenting styles. And then the cultural differences not accounted for in her theory but some additional research instigated as a result of her. IN particular the transactional models of influences on relationships. IWM model of course is key - Bowlby, Ainsworth, Main - why Main what the hell did Main do - oh yes research into SST - (strange situation type - infant attachment type and the correlation in adults - adolescence - longitudinal studies. But then also studies of mother AA adult attachment) and the predictor SST.
God this is all I know  - oh no - also the influence of fathers and then the parent relationship and how this affects infant attachment type. then of course the fact that these attachment types influence the IWM and how this does or doesn't get carried through life affecting the childs development - ie the ways in which they attach to others and situations. Inconclusive - many other dimensions and relationships and environmental circumstances.
Oh well - somewhat of an essay if the question is spot on.

Then as for a question from book 1 - Goodness knows - i have crammed a lot of info and could tell the story generally but to answer a specific question - no way!
So it's all very scant knowledge - not full - I just hope for a question in each case that can trigger off something and then at least try for a Pass 4.
I wanted to get all 1st throughout but circumstances this year - well - I just won't.
I didn't even submit 6 assignments - 3 out of 6 . Proud to be able to say that I got 1st's for those which is enough to get a pass in the course work. Lucky me.

I am writing this whilst waiting for the invigilator to arrive. As I am dyslexic dyscalculic I have an exam at home. How privileged and can also use my laptop. How extra privileged. Sometimes I think that means I am not really tested on equal terms therefore my grades etc are not really representative as a true measure. Then again the way the education is put together there is little advantage otherwise for dyslexics etc. So I won;t refuse this opportunity. I am fortunate.

OK she should be here in 4 minutes.
No more reading no more chance to learn - just got to spill out anything I know as best I can. I have tried using the situation to do my best. I could do better in different situations. Hope for that for next year.

I am a mature student in case anyone is wondering. I wonder constantly. What the hell am I doing this for? I find it interesting and it contributes to me being better at my job and I love my work. Just desire to get better and be as good as I can at it.

Is this enough rambling to try and overcome my nerves? Probably not.
Where the hell is she??????
Oh I hope she never arrives too.
Yuch nerves - hate em. Thank goodness when this day is done!

Master called me. I love him so so much, he's is so thoughtful of me. I was relieved to hear his calm voice. His encouragement. And then he had to go, I needed to read some more. I will not speak to him now until after this is all over. I look forward to this evening without this hanging over me to simply relax and focus on him.
I love Master
X

Painting my own lilies

Master looked so tired and weighted with the world on his shoulders. He sank back onto his bed, shutting his eyes and sighing with relief.
I said softly that I should like to massage him. Master smiled and, without moving, encouraged me to proceed. Sitting at his feet, I used silk powder to massage each toe, slowly and firmly, beginning to take him away from his stresses. Masters body and face showed the first signs of letting go.
Resting each leg in turn, I gently manoeuvered the muscles in his calves. Oiling my hands, my fingers manipulated the muscles in his legs. Tickling Masters inner thighs, moving my fingers oh so close to his balls and his cock. Passing over his pelvis, purposely avoiding his cock, I gently stroked his tummy. Then randomly moving my finger tips over his nipples, his sides. I giggled at his goose bumps before they faded again. Stretching the muscles of his chest, pushing his shoulders back into the bed. Massaging his arms. tickling his arms, stretching his fingers. Then the pressure points on his face - his brow bone, his laughter lines around his mouth, his forehead, his temples.
I softly asked him if he wanted to turn over. He rolled over without a word. Inhaling steaming eucalyptus, I heard his deep intake of breath, clearing. I  continued massaging. Masters head, his neck, his shoulders, under his shoulder blades, his back. his buttocks, slipping my fingers over and around his arsehole and then between his thighs, reaching the shaft of his cock just briefly. Down the backs of his legs, finishing at his ankles. I sat in nadu, eyes down, hoping Master had been pleased with me.
When Master at last uttered his approval I visualised with him to let the weights he was carrying on his shoulders to roll down his back, onto his legs then his feet, then he could flick them away.
Drowsily he said mmmmm?.

The dream at night is just like the dream of here and now, Bliss. You hide from yourself that you create it so that it can seem real, while you pretend not to be who you already are, so that you can finally get what you already have, for fun.
I say think of this often.
Unicorns and dolphins,
The Universe


 
Master spoke about Monet's journey that was infact finding everything in his own garden.
The alchemist's journey home.
 We talked about the need to go on the quest  before having the clarity and wisdom to realise that everything is here all along. Sometimes the soul can only open after experiencing adversity.

In my back garden is an OK me. I can believe in and celebrate all that I am,. Everything I need  is within my touch. I have good purpose though my work my friends. And I turn around and there is Master too. x

I wonder what's in Masters garden?
 
".....of toys and wax and ice and voyeurs", Master steadily recited. His voice is low and evenly toned when he is especially Masterly.
Master asked me what I thought of these matters.

 I felt embarrassed that I have toys, especially as they were purchased at the requirement of Senor D. Master invited me to describe them. A large vibrator with a clitoris stimulator, an ice vibrator, nipple clamps. Sexually stirred despite my embarrasment, and Master commented on how he thinks embarrassment and arousal are closely linked. Master encourgaed e to share my thoughts ..... I listened to his breathng as I commented.
I wonder at the hot wax and the ice together. Master inviting voyeurs is so very exciting, his confidence of his total ownership of me. The power of faceless people in the shadows, occasional whispers. And me, exposed for entertainment, shaming and exciting. I wondered if  Master invite them closer? I didn't ask.
 
Master remarked on his interest with ice. Specifically Master commented on the importance of  timing, balancing pleasure and pain. Once again, Masters apparent expertise and awareness both surprised me and held me in awe of him. Master knows my body so well. He knows women. Every move calculated, with purpose.

"I wish to see your toys tomorrow".
 
Master asked me how Senor D used the toys. Oh my gosh! I feel so disloyal to Master answering this question but proceed to explain that Senor D would have me seated in nadu in front of him. He would have me place the vibrator on a chair beside me so tat I could see it clearly. We would be talking and Senor D would ask me to check my wet status by putting one finger in my pussy and tell him if I was very wet or a little wet. He insisted I checked my status after every 10th sentence, sometimes 3 sentences. And at times he would tell me to put the vibrator in my pussy. Sometimes I would be told to turn it on. Other times not. just leave it there or move it in and out of me slowly. Sometimes I was to put it in the opening of my arsehole. He would sometimes time ow long it was to be turned off. Always I had to replace it so that I could see it.
There were times when Senor D would tell me I had a minute to reach orgasm. Of course after a session of checking wet status and consistent use of the vibrator, I could quite easily cum. If I didn't I wasn't allowed t cum for the rest of the day or evening.
Senor D would sometimes tell me to suck his cock if I was talking too much. Or he would tell me to suck his cock if he wished to direct another slave. Senor D had no affection really for anyone of his slaves. I was often if not usually with him though.

Senor D only used the nipple clamps once when I first acquired them for him.
 
Master enquired whether I was touching myself. I hesitated as I had not asked permission and already I was so, so wet. I had already noticed Master was touching himself whilst listening to me respond to his desire to know more.
 
Then, Master enquired whether Mistress LR had ever taken me ... Gosh! Master asks such questions of me. Yes of course. I explained how she had instructed me to gloss every day on the hour for 5 minutes but not allow myself to climax. I did climax of course. Sometimes it was just too glorious a sensation not to. Then one day she summoned me to her. She instructed me to strip naked whilst watching her also strip. She then sat down on the sofa and invited me to lie down and she took my body in her arms. She held me, cuddling me affectionately and then told me to masturbate until I came. She just held me close and tight the whole time, rocking me slightly. I felt very little in her arms. And very much in her power at that very moment.

At this, Master took over asking me to describe what I was doing to myself. I had two fingers in my pussy and playing in different ways with my clit. He started instructing me how to play with my clit and got me so very close to orgasm. I asked him if I could cum? "No! Keep playing". I whined slightly but Master ignored my feeble protest. He asked me more questions maybe, I can;t remember. I got closer again to orgasm. I asked Master again if I could cum. "No! Stop touching yourself" I tried to curb my whine. Rocking on the bed, clenching my thighs, pushing on my clit, feeling the sensation rippling through me, wanting more!

Master told me that when out in public, he will whisper his instruction . I am to walk so that I can feel my clit rubbing in my knickers. He said that he knew I would be instantly aroused and would feel my clit rubbing.

Master will sit and watch me pee and supervise the way I stroke my slit afterwards. Someday Master said he might decide to stroke my slit for me. And all the while I was getting wilder and wetter, being at his whim.
My sexuality he told me is his.
Master very generously gives me my orgasms.

I was told to start playing with myself again and to get myself close to orgasm but keep playing. Master told me to press harder on my clit and my g-spot. I moaned. It is so difficult to stay on that edger. "Keep playing. This is what you have to learn", ignoring my increasingly urgent pleas to be released. I was desperate not to displease Master with my begging. To not sound demanding, I kept my voice low and hoped not to displease Master. I whined again.  I couldn't help it. "Keep playing".  I thought if I could keep my mouth quiet he might let me go over the edge sooner.
My fingers were dripping with my juices. "I can hear" Master softly revealed. I was both embarrassed and delighted.
Master suddenly said "cum now! Now. Now". I pushed harder and faster for just a moment. "Cum" My orgasm rose what seemed oh sooooo slowly and then suddenly "Cum" ..... the explosion was incredible. My back arched! My clit, rock solid. My pussy in spasms like I have never before experienced. Clamping on my fingers. I couldn't stop the wave after wave after wave. I tried keeping my eyes open looking at Master, knowing he would want to see my orgasm in my eyes, my face. And I saw him playing with himself, harder and faster. His breathing turning to gasps. He came too. I was still jerking with my own spasms. We gradually quietened together.
Master called me into his arms. Mmmmm, the calm.

This morning, I woke long before Master. When he finally stirred we talked in bed allowing him to drowsily come too. We planned the day ahead.
I have been studying, studying, studying ever since. Some information I think has been absorbed. I think I could make sense of the application of developmental psychological ideas in early life. I have been trying to make a start on the next stage - personal and social development and/or educational development and how this supports ... I am at standstill. It's getting late. Only a few hours remain.
Master has said that I shall continue studying seated beside him this evening whilst he also works. I feel so happy that he will permit this. I thought Master was not going to allow me to see him this evening so that I would study. I am happy I can sit alongside him, feel Master close. Both quiet, letting him get on with his work.
Tomorrow - the exam!
I will be glad when it's over. I am not at all ready and pretty annoyed with myself still for not having the energy to invest int he studying this year.
Please Universe can I at least get a pass. I would of course not be happy knowing that I am capable of more. But this year I would be absolutely delighted to get a Pass 4. Please Universe. I don't want this year to have gone by and be a wasted study year. Even though I haven't put the work in.
I refuse still to beat myself up. Master keeps reminding me that this is my situation and to make the most of it. And I remind myself how busy my job is and the journey to and from work is draining. I have little time to study and the time I have is recovering and relaxation time. Phew. What will I do next year.

OK I will start reading again whilst I await Master to arrive and hopefully summon me soon.
I love Master so deeply.

Bliss
XX

He whispers in my ear ..... more than I can imagine

he stood admiring this beauty
succumbed to his handiwork
and he smiled as he watched her expressions shift
wondering what was next
he meant to leave her there
but then chose to drink in and savor that which
he so wished to taunt and taste and take
he would in due time, but first
he knelt and whispered to her
things he was deciding to do
to her perfectly vulnerable nakedness
and as he mentioned supping the juice of berries and cream
from her every curve and crevice
he watched her blush and rub her thighs like a singing cricket
he oozed more voluptuous ideas through her pulsating eardrum
of toys and wax and ice and voyeurs
and in noting each reaction
he so concocted the erotic symphony of this evening
the last thing he whispered was
“I will take you in ways you’ve never imagined
and by the end
you will beg me to do this again and again”
she gasped, having no doubt
and just then felt the first rivulet of her flushed honey
drizzling from her salivating cunt

Wow - words from Wild Ride again.

Master talks of how he will tie me and blindfold me.
I informed Master how Mistress LR had said she wants me to sit in front of the mirror and watch myself climax. She then wanted me to write to her of my experience. Master commented on how he admired her imagination. He reminded me of his desire to have me sit in front of the mirror whilst he sits behind me.
He watches me as I watch myself playing. Master will instruct me what to do. He will place his cock between my buttocks.
Master is so creative and his ideas excite me. As soon as Master started to tell me what to do I was dripping wet. His hands moving over my body, holding my heavy breasts and pinching my nipples. Oh God! Everything so sensuous and all the while me watching myself. How exposed I feel. Master as always had control of my orgasm telling me to bring myself closer and closer but to keep playing with myself. Holding me at that point. God the delight not wanting to go over the edge and yet yearning to feel the release of my orgasm. Keep playing his whispered, keep playing. His breathing in my ear. Keep playing. Mmmmmmm. I wasn't sure how long I could stay there. Master said that this is what I must practice and learn. And then he said "cum. Cum for me! Cum!" Man! I gushed in climax, my body jerking like it had never done before. Master noted that he had not seen me cum like that before. He thanked me. I absolutely thanked him for giving me such an orgasm. It was so late but Master allowed me to play with his cock - sucking him and playing with him, despite feeling so spent and then he came too. It was so so late and we were both so tired.
He called me into his arms to snuggle into his chest. Masters strong arms wrapped around me and we fell asleep.

Master has told me to tell Mistress LR that I am not available to her. I sent her a message. A little afraid too. I do not wish her to become angry with me. And I hope that we might be able to remain friends although I am not visiting SL for the time being.
Mistress LR asked to know my Masters name so that she might apologise for wanting to take me as her slave. I said that I would ask Master if I should give his name. I am concerned though. I know that she wants what she wants. I sense that she could be very destructive and I would prefer not to continue with this for a while now.
Master asked me if I would like to go there with him. Well I said that I thought it important that I remained clear of SL entirely for a while. However the thought of going together was of course appealing. I like so many things about SL. But how easily tempted  am. I wish to commit to having a relationship with Master in RL only right now. Despite being open and honest and me not role playing, there is an avatar between us.
Love and slavery cuts across the physical distance between us when we are close and I would like to nurture that in me.

This afternoon Master and I had a discussion about things related to relatedness. It was a general conversation on my part. I truly want to understand things better. Understand Master better of the things he is happy for me to understand.
At some point I noticed that Master seemed displeased and learnt from him that he thought I was making a point with my questions. I truly was not. Just exploring ideas and beliefs about situations past and current.
As we discussed this issue itself further Master said that he felt questioned and needed to defend himself. I did not ever intend Master to need to defend himself. He seemed irritated by my questions and discussion
It then escalated and I asked him about the contact he might have had recently with a woman he had once liked very much, even perhaps romantically in my words - maybe not his words. He said he had had contact. Oh gosh it was hard from then on. I asked questions which Master seemed to not answer. It was now out of M/s relationship for certain and definitely lovers talking - well from my part.
I was trying to be open and honest and explained that I was not trying to criticise or demand but merely asking questions that might help to understand and that his response of not directly answering seemed to create in me concern.
Master, my love explained then how guilt was so easily provoked even when not guilty. Well I think that is what he explained when he said that he feels guilty and blushes when someone else farts in the room. And then when someone says well you must have farted at some point to know that guilt, he has not and yet still feels the guilt. I understand what he is saying. He thinks he is in the wrong when questions are asked even when he is not.
We discussed and mulled over our understandings of each other and the situation too. Our love is great of that I am sure. I requested his help. I requested that whilst I get accustomed to his contact with this person he would tell me when they have been in contact with each other. It is not to change anything but just so that I am sort of in the loop really. It's not ideal but I think it may be away of me normalising things. I asked if he was able to do this respecting whatever choice and depending on what he was able to do means that I can learn what is OK for me or not too. I never ever want to make someone change. If they can support me and my own issues then that surely is a way forward. If Master, my Love cannot support me in this way I am not sure how I go forward.
It is another little hurdle for me to overcome. He said that she is back in her own country and also that he might expect more contact with her. Well this is difficult for me. On a practical level I can see that if he loves me his relationship with her will undoubtedly have altered. She knows about me.
Gosh I asked if he would be happy to show me the written message he sent her. He said instantly that I don't trust him. Well I wonder how the exchanges between them are for certain. Yes I really do wonder - are they affectionate and sexy with each other? Are they simply friendly? Is it flirty or not? I truly would like to know but it's really none of my business I guess.
I just want to learn how to get through these insecurities and I hope that Master can help me. I look forward to knowing him and feeling assured of his dependability. Love is in the behaviour and I am regularly reminded that we are still in early days of getting to know each other.
And in many ways we have examples of dependability.
God! It's so painful. It hurts deep inside me. Yet I also know it's learning and growth which I embrace fully.
I love being in a loving relationship. I truly have never known anyone like Master. I have never been able to be loving or be loved like this. I am a different me too. But still a baby at this thing.

I can write forever about all of this ................... one day at a time.

I have at least completed some revision today. If only I had had this energy before now. I have needed rest time. I am aware how much my work takes out of me and the implausible situation. I need at least 15 hours per week. I do not have enough time to take in rest time, work and social time too with study on top. I do not know what I can do next year.
I am hoping that Master and I can bring into fruition plans to be together which will alter the direction of my journey yet again.
He has suggested I explore study in his city. It might be possible but goodness knows how to make ends meet financially. All things to be explored to see how feasible anything is.

Gosh! I am realising how insecure I am feeling right now. I will do a little more studying whilst I await Master. Master said he will summon me after 8pm. It's long after 8pm now. I fill in the gaps with an over active imagination.
I imagine he is angry with me from earlier or even sad. I imagine he is on SL or talking with another woman. All the things that terrify me - not because of the actions per se but the act of not being open. This is certainly not him this is me and my crazy flipping thinking all triggered after today. Also the communication with Mistress LR has contributed. I think now they will seek each other out! Oh thoughts shut up!
If only I just put everything into some creative writing instead of getting myself wound up.
If mAster reads this he is sure to be irritated by me. So it's good to clear it out now somehow.
Study whilst waiting - great idea!


Bliss
XXXXXX

His name is crime

Some lines from Rigoletto - Hugo or Verdi ?? - not sure but incredible insight. Opera is such an emotive way to witness a story. An experience to behold an evening I shall never forget.
I really nearly cried during Rigoletto's loss. A sadness so deep, a lifetime of it. The twisted and cruel attitude that the world met of him seemed I thought his only defence to protect his tenderness, his vulnerability.  And he kept his beloved daughter Gilda hidden from the world who in the end became his Achilles heel. Secrets and lies - that's the crime.
Secrets the destructive force - the crime and the punishment. Honesty and openness can overscome all. I realise more and more that understanding what honesty and opennes actually is, does not come easily. I thought I was honest until I was shown. Poor Rigoletto, his world was shrouded in secrecy and deception.
What an opening scene - an orgy. Women being being, bare breasts and hussies. Men with men. Sex and debauchery. A Duke with long forgotten principles - debauched with excess. The slave in me was excited by the demands on the women ..

The Royal Opera House, Rigoletto -

The first time -
the awe, the auditorium,
the colours, the glory,
the audience, the fervour,
the moods, the posing,
the debauchery, the excess,
the sounds, the story,
the emotion, the fury,
the fantasy, the words,
the intent, the sorrow,
the end.

Master allowed me to keep in contact with him through the evening. This was one of those occasions where the slave in me was less prominent. I was more like an excited child.
P was so generous not allowing to pay for anything all evening. It was an expensive evening for him.
It was interesting observing him sort of making a presence in the gay environment but how the hell does he take the next step to be socialising freely with other gay men. He is more refined than purely seeking out sexual experiences.
The front of house manager in the restaurant became quite an attractive feature. Good physique, nice looking. P seemed more interested in a much prettier style. Interesting. Funny sitting there picking out men but at least he was active in looking and talking about it.
I did not feel at all disloyal to Master. I was not looking with any desire. There didn't seem to be anything wrong in observing attractive men or elements of them that were appealing. Maybe a way they carried themselves. Equally seeing unattractive behaviours or features.
Furthermore, I kept Master informed throughout my evening. My journey there, sitting in the auditorium, the meal afterwards.
Master asked me to contact him when I got home. I was so pleased he wanted this of me. I sent him a message and squealed with delight when he responded. It was the early hours of the morning. I was afraid I had woken him but he assured me this alright as he had asked me to let him know when I was home.
I crept into bed pretending not to want to wake him and was delighted when he stirred. How I wanted him to touch me, hold me. He sleepily paid attention to me and smiled but clearly wanted to return into his slumber. I loved him deeply and snuggled into him, slowing into his peaceful breathing...... and fell asleep.


Master introduced me to Wild Ride. Master seems to subtly drop new sources of erotica. Wild Ride writes seductively. More poetically than simple comments.  I like his choice of pictures very often.
http://ridingwild.tumblr.com/page/1


Masters requirement of me when visiting the toilet is an act of arousal throughout the day. Wild Ride and Just a Little Bit have also been pathways to maintain sexual excitement.
A lot of today has been plain old getting on with things. Supposedly studying, a nice walk friends. And then I returned home. Toilet requirements and online erotica - I can be brought into control within seconds. God! It's good. God! It's surprising.


The assassin asked Rigoletto the name of the hit - "I'll tell you his name. His name is crime and my name is punishment".
The crime he lived was wanting women, more and more women. Loving sex with any woman he could take.
I can feel my heart hurting today with that thought. I find it so interesting that on some days I am stronger and ready to think of Master with any women he wishes to have. Remembering that I have my place in his heart too. Then other days I am less tolerant of the idea. When I can get back into sexual arousal then I am once again better able to accept this possibility. My insecurity quietens again and I am back in my place.
I am yet to understand this fully.
As I allowed myself a glimpse as Wild Ride I therefore found myself calming and getting wet. Becoming more and more desiring of Master. His daily choices none of my business. Grateful that he wants any time with me at all. Am I naughty viewing this pages? Should I have permission from Master? It is wrong to view this and be stimulated so easily. What else could I do to allway my insecurities when this works so completely?
 I am excited as well as curious about Master's knowledge of such erotica and the way in which he introduces it to me. Does he know what he leads me into? He says that it is all new discoveries for him too.


He says he will summon me this evening. God I am waiting for him. I am wet and full of desire. I feel guilty of this too as he might think that all I ever do is get aroused.  I make myself ready for him should he want me at anytime.



My arousal can easily drive me away from every day things that I need to get done. I need to study. I need to study. I need to study. I enjoyed walking with A and co. plus the doggies. Sharing with whomever would listen about my joy of being introlduced to the Opera.


Patiently awaiting Master. Wondering what he has been doing but no longer trying to control that with angst.
Trying to make sense of this path I am currently journeying through.
Hoping some day people will have suggestions to my questions.


Bliss

Never forget the miracle

Last evening Master spoke to me in his very Masterly voice. It's so calm and even (unless he has become angry with me). He speaks so determinedly. I hear his power in the way he speaks. He enquired as to LR's request of me. He wondered why she had not written to ask of him and I explained that I feel uncomfortable and have not informed her of his name. I have a fear of Mistress LR. There is a destructive force within her. Very compelling by her nature but something terrifying too.
Master said that he did not want her to have me. He distrusted her intentions and thought she might not give me back. We lay there talking about such things and he asked me if I was playing with myself. I was just touching myself. He then introduced the idea of tying my wrists to the bedposts. My legs tied too so that I was spread wide open and helpless.  I was blindfolded as he spoke of his idea, a young female slave moving between my legs and my realisation as I felt her long hair on my thighs as she kissed me there. He described how he would tell her to sit on my chest, facing towards m pussy. He would then tell her to bend forward and start kissing and licking my clit and pussy. He wanted her to bring me to the point of orgasm but not take me over the edge. She kept me there.  And I should smell her arousal but be helpless to do anything. He told her how to kiss me and where to put her tongue. Slipping his finger into my pussy too, sampling my wetness and her tongue darting in and out at the same time. I imagined his tongue and her fingers toying with each other inside of me, I didn't dare ask. Taking off the blindfold, he told me I should see her wetness as I smelt her pussy. He instructed her to sit on my face and told me I could start licking her pussy. I felt Master put his cock into my very wet pussy, tellling me as he was doing this. Master started fucking me.
I don't remember when, but the young slave was told to kiss me on the lips so that I could taste my juices and she could taste her own.
And whilst Master was fucking me and she was sitting back on my face, I bravely asked Master if he was kissing her and if he could taste me on her lips. I asked if he liked watching her breasts jiggle as he fucked me. I heard only Masters "mmmmmmmm" and his rhytmic, heavy breathing. I smiled with delight and a stab of hurt all in the same moment. Helpless. All the time Master keeps me aroused, anything is OK with me - without it seeping between our love. I am truly a slave to Master.
He told me she was just our play thing, our sex toy, that he was concentrating on me. I knew that he was saying this to help me from feeling insecure. How could he resist finding this young 20 year old slave. His pleasure toy. He would of course fall in love with her too. I enquired tentaively, in case he thought I was being too nosey,  if he wanted to fuck her too. He told her to get off me and get on the floor, to lie on the deer skins he had once kept me sleeping on whilst he slept in his bed.
He then fucked me!

This morning lying in bed we spoke of the night before and the young 20 year old slave. He said that he did not want anyone to come between our love and that he did not want another slave with whom he had any previous feelings. That this slave was to be someone I had found and he would tell me how he wanted me to be with her. I would be telling her at times how she was to please Master. He felt embarrassed that he desired a young 20 year old slave. I smiled.
Master allowed me to just "fiddle" with myself. I gently stroked my slit, rub my clit, parted my lips and continued just exploring as we spoke about the slave, our closeness, openness. His hands on my breasts and how I love that feeling, Master behind me with his cock inside my pussy. Talking about sexy things, what we likem what he wants, how I can learn to be a better slave and better please him sexually. I enquired if he had experiences with other women that had pleased him and he desired. Master mentioned being collared. I wonder if he wishes to be dominated at times. We did speak about him perhaps telling me to dominate him. I would be so uncomfortable but would do it if it was required of me. Perhaps he wants to be dominated by a Mistress. Oh wow! Perhaps the idea of Mistress LR has provoked this desire in Master. Mistress LR dominating him. How on earth can we between us create this exciting image. Perhaps I need to be the image maker. Mistress LR dominating Master whilst I look on helpless. He was definately excited by the concept.

Master mused over how to deal with me touching myself without his permission and whether he should reinforce his disappoint by decling to allow me to orgasm but for now Master just expressed his requirements of me again and will see what happens. Then Master mentioned how difficult it is to see my clit. Perhaps Master needs to tell me how to remedy this. It is good that Master tells me things that need adjusting. The way I am made, is it enough for Master? And Master talked about how times when he puts his thumb behind my clit and flicks it. I asked if I could play with my clit, whilst he was entering my pussy from behind me. And he wanted me face down, feeling my bum on his belly as he moved his cock in and out of me for a while.  I was getting more and more sexually stimulated, rising towards orgasm. Master said to keep playing and get myself closer and closer but not to cum. To just keep playing. Master would tell me if I could cum. Keeping myself there requires me to be so careful - slowing things down, raising the stimulation. Then Master said "cum!" "cum!". He paused and smoothly said "cum!" again. Oh God! My body jerked and juddered as all my nerves twitched into explosive orgasm. Master watched whilst gently masturbating smiling down at me.
I revealed my breasts to Master hoping that he might want to cum. Master asked me to show my pussy and clit to him. I did of course. Master cuold see my wetness and watched me curcling over my clit as I heard his breathing getting heavier as he masturbated. Master came. I came. He invited me into to his arms to hold me close and tell me that it was all OK as he knew how I still get embarrassed at revealing myself so openly to Master. I offered to clean him with my tongue. I adore him. I adore the taste of him. I am so lucky to be allowed to clean him this way. I am grateful that he cums. I am grateful when he gives me back an orgasm that he has taken from me. He owns me. Entirely!

“Create for yourself a new indomitable perception of faithfulness. What is usually called faithfulness passes so quickly. Let this be your faithfulness: You will experience moments, fleeting moments, with the other person. The human being will appear to you then as if filled, irradiated with the archetype of his/her spirit. And then there may be, indeed will be, other moments, long periods of time when human beings are darkened. At such times, you will learn to say to yourself. ‘The spirit makes me strong. I remember the archetype, I saw it once. No illusion, no deception shall rob me of it.’ Always struggle for the image that you saw. This struggle is faithfulness. Striving thus for faithfulness you shall be close to one another as if endowed with the protective powers of angels.” -Rudolf Steiner

I read this on another tumblr - it needs absorbing but what I take from it is that what I can depend on is myself. People come and go and those that stay make mistakes as do I. Not often with intention to harm or disappoint. Sometimes with selfishness at heart. What I can depend on is me and the Universe. All will be OK. Putting faith and trust in anything else is foolhardy. That is not an insult to people but after all we are human and it seems by being so fall prey to our shortcomings - the seven sins. The great thing is that I am learning more and more to observe my shortcomings. As they become more apparent I am able to change my behaviours, attitudes, understanding etc and move closer to my spirit through listening to my principles and morals.
Put my faith in the trustworthy Universe. And everyone in it is just doing their bit the best way they can. Therefore I can be at peace and love them for the way they are trying.
I am a little scared to be involved with Master exploring with other women in case he then prefers them to me. But I can remind myself that I trust in me and I trust in the Universe. Master loves me today and that will never be lost. Tomorrow is another day. As tey say in Hollywood ha ha.

A great release for me has been the discovery that enjoying sensual sex with my beloved Master is not a sin. Until recently I have always damned myself. I am finding some freedom. It is not lust or need, it is pleasure and loving and adoration and personal freedom. Thank you Universe.



Apparently James Baldwin said  (but I cannot find confirmation of this as yet)
...protect yourself from the mess they've become. Never forget the miracle they are.

This blog entry is full of all sort of dynamics - so much to work out in my humanly limited but spiritually charged mind ...

 I wish to remember that everyone is a miracle to be cherished in my daily work! Sometimes I forget and focus on the chaos they bring. Then the compassion falls away.

I also sometimes need to remember this within my friendships.
Just recently  have felt pretty distant from one of my very best friends. Amidst all of this I am confident that we will weather this little storm. We have had a few choppy storms before now. I have felt accused. But was able to listen and look for my part in things. And I tried to have my say on some issues I am struggling with but did not feel heard or even acknowledged. Instead I heard her say yes yes yes but it's got to be my way. Not sure how to deal with that but anyway at least the channels of communication are wide open,

It is interesting actually. This is a friend and also a colleague. And similar to be slave to Master and we are lovers, there are two roles in both of these relationships that at times seem to conflict for me. Sometimes they co-exist and other times compliment. The acknowledgement of the shifts within relationships and circumstances is new for me to be so conscious of. Awareness though does not yet provide resolutions of how to work through conflicts.
E sent me a text saying that she felt she couldn't sync with me at the moment. From my part there s a truth in that. I am in love, she is hurting as her love relationship is ending. She is going through the grieving and I am in the honeymoon period of my relationship with JH. E is looking at getting back into SLA recovery. Well I am questioning little behaviours but am a lot more relaxed about having boundaries but not needing the hard lines I have perceived from SLA and indeed similarly with OA. I wanted something rigid because I didn't want to lose control and in fact it's the other way around.
12 Step recovery from substances is so much easier to manage than behavioural or process addictions.
Wow I can even see how I can talk myself in being able to be more flexible with say alcohol.
I am aware though that when I was using drink and drugs my life was becoming more and more unmanageable. Similarly when I act out with food - bulimia or overeating (sadly I have lost the ability - too old now too - to be anorexic and that in itself says a lot about how deeply I am still locked in with food) - my life becomes crazed and only thoughts of fat and size. With love addiction well sex and love combined - sex addiction by itself seems to be subtly different -  so yes with sex & love addiction, I can see how that plays out so very easily. Oddly enough rage is one way in which I have acted out with sex and love. I can't be bothered to go into the detail - there is a website and I have been enough times so defining it or trying to would be of no benefit for me right now.
oh blah blah blah . It is becoming easier for me to identify what I would call recovery from my eating disorder as it is from my sex and love addiction. I am getting clearer around codependency too. However, I know that truly needed the support of SLA when for example things were kicking of with CY. Ooooh that was horrid.
My love with Master is far far far from SLA although I can see how friends int he fellowship would pick up on our M/s relationship and be critical of it. But like PT said just because someone is unconventional doesn't make them an addict. Some people drink excessively but are not addicts. Some people have sexual deviance's but are not addicts. I am a sex and love addict I know but M/s is not feeling at this time like acting out. On the contrary I feel like I am learning to be intimate - something I avoided with either promiscuity or total isolation.This has brought Master and I together or in the land of predictive texting "tiger the ness" (private chuckle I suppose)

Anyway back to E which was the point of our non-sync currently. Our lives right now are not parallel. It's unusual as we are often in sync or thereabouts. The work/personal element throws me. I do not work in the same way E does and I am critical. I have no place in being critical, just get on with my own job. Our paths cross but not that often. It's different from when I was working with M and I seemed to get myself embroiled in her competitiveness and her hungry drive that was at the cost of anyone in her way. Well that's how it seemed to me. Instead of standing back I found myself competing. I was very relieved when I was able to stop that. It's odd because often I contribute to these people getting their posts and then it turns against me. Actually with E she applied after observing me so content with my job. I was able to give her a good reference but they were so smitten with her she got the job in her own right. I know that S kept on about how much S fancied E too. There is definitely an advantage to being beautiful - people want you around a lot more.
That wasn't a bitchy comment wither. E is beautiful. Right now I find her anger not so attractive and they way it's manifesting but I love her as my friend and the beautiful person she truly is. Really I just need to sound off. And it does help. There are some things I find a lazy approach and it gets my back up so then I become obstinate and this just creates more demand from E - well that's how I see it. It's a very very basic thing. She asks people to get in touch with people with regard to elements of her work. On the surface of it there is no issue with this as a favour once in a while. BUT E does it all the time with everyone. It's very condescending in my view. This is her job get on with it and when there's an occasional problem yes by all means ask for help. Furthermore, the money side of things even if it's to pass a message on interferes with the therapeutic moments that go on in our day. I would never, ever ask he to pass on a message related to therapy. I don;t see any other management member passing on their menial tasks unless it is the one off here and there. God it infuriates me and she sees it as people being unresponsive and uncooperative. I would like the opportunity to pass on my opinion. Openly too. E seems to forget herself and get above her station very easily and of course on a personal level we have not had this too often. A work environment brings out all sorts of sides that we would not normally have to encounter. I can see how she riles people up. She was always talking about her last place of work and how they seem to have little respect for her. Well I can start to see why. And it's not easy to put a finger on all of it.
Well I already feel a little better for stopping the politically correct speak - phew. If I write it as I think it then things get clearer.

This evening I am going to the opera with a friend - Rigoletto. I am so so excited. My first ever opera.
I am so disappointed though that I will be home late and Master says he will probably be asleep. Not to Whatsapp him just enjoy the Opera. Keeping him in mind is OK but not to worry about seeing him.

Skype is a miraculous wonder. But next weekend Master arrives once again. Friday afternoon. And this time Master is here until Tuesday. Oh my God, I can't wait. It's been 4weeks ince last I have felt his skin, his touch, him taking me. Felt his breath on my skin. Tasted his juices. HIs tongue in my mouth and over my clit. His cock stretchng my pussy wide open. Oh my God I long for him. I long to please him and serve Master well.
Revision is ZERO today. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooooo.
Oh well.
Got to go and get ready.
Bliss

Moonlit Flits

Darling Flo, I love you so
Especially in your nightie
When the moonlight flits
Across tits
Jesus Christ almighty

he he he he he he.



I read on another blog these very thoght provoking sentiments ...
"I want to be not only accepted but needed. Not only needed but cherished. Not only cherished but respected. All of me … not just my body … not just for what I represent or provide or satisfy but because someone wants to see who I am … really, really see … See all the parts of me and still wants me as a whole - wants me “as is”. http://www.ladycheeky.com/post/1250918151/like-me-and-guerre-sigh

 A part of my gorwth over these last 9 years has involved me gradually liking me and finding ways to love me. Indeed an element of this in recent months, nearly a year has been to alow myself to enjoy my sexuality. I am learning and discovering my pleasure and have nothing to be ashamed of. I still feel embarrassed to ask Master to touch myself and to request an orgasm. I think he will think I am dirty.

Learning to accept Master and all his personal time is more and more a priority. Second of course to bodily pleasures he requires. As his slave I have no rights amyway. As lovers, I have wanted certainty. Assurances that he will not be dishonest or secretive with me. That I will know everything. But this is not respecting him as he is. Master may wish to have privacy and not tell me all. And here I am asking him to be open and honest with me. This is controlling perhaps. I am not sure. What I am realising is that I can learn to respect him being and doing exactly the person he is. I think this is being a better slave - no? And a better lover too perhaps. And I keep remnding myself if ever something arises that I really cannot tolerate then I have choices. I can ask him to sell me or give me away to another Master.  I will never run away. And as lovers, I can choose to stop even if he refuses to pass me on as his slave.

It is not acceptable anyway for this slave to ask Master to make changes. I have expressed my feelings when finding some behaviour surprising. I know I am not entitled to this as his slave. I am not entitled to demand as his lover but I do have thoughts and feelings to express that all help communicating and to me that is intimacy. And also learning.

I love Master and my lover for the man he is and to do that entirely I need to embrace the way he is.
This means that when pondering about what he might be doing, I need to find some way to get the questioing out of my mind. And for today it is possible for me to accept that all is well. Whatever he is doing he has been in contact, very loving towards me and has said he will summon me later. Tomorrow can bring anything and is another days adventure and growth opportunity.

And after all I had a degree of certainty with SH and look what happened it all went horribly wrong . I ddn't want to be with him anymore and he didn't want to be with me anymore. He didn;t want me to have a life of my own and I didn;t even volunteer to be a slave. I was enslaved without the benefits.

I plan to be with Master for a long time. Just for today as they say.
I have asked Master if he can help my growth through the days when I flip out and act insanely through my insecurity and paranoia. It turns into suspicion and disbelief. I don't know how he can help me with that but he says he will support me. I am so very grateful to Master. He is a wonderful masterly Master.

I do keep getting to this point and then lose it again. Fear creeps up and paranoia sets in and the insecurity just runs away with my calm and serenity.



So thw painting I have attached above by Sir Lawrence Alma Tadema to me represents me living with and amongst Master and his desires. However that might be. Accepting of all.  I love Master. I adore him. I love my lover. I love him. And because of this I wish to learn how to honour him just the way he is.
Universe I need help and strength because these fears in me can be overpowering at times and then the controller in me takes over. Universe please teach me to be acceptant and submit entirely.


LR has sent me and email. She says she would like to train me as her slave and present me to Master at some tme in the future. Within the imagination, this conjures up a very exciting and creative fantasy.  In reality - well ................ Master and I spoke about the differences between creative ideas being so very sexually stimulating but never to be in reality. Being a slave arouses me and being totally without choice arouses me. Master is my love. Being a slave to a Mistress is pure fantastical excitement.
Isn;t that the point of erotica, stimulating the imagination in turn exciting the sexiness. I have even felt jealous when Master has been turned on through fantasy or the way a woman holds a cup or touches her hair. I can also find such simple things absolutely compelling. This feeds my insecurity too that he might abandon me for that womans style. See how insecure I am. Universe please take it away!!
I recall Masters excitement when I explained how LR planned on tieing me and gagging mem Then she will place me under her bed. She would leave me there as she and Master would fuck on the bed and he wouldn;t know I was there. I felt my heart breaking thinking of this in realilty. Master was excited at this scene. Yet the idea also excites me - my utter helplessness and position when Master and a Mistress are powerful together. The complete control of them versus me in my utter slavery.  The  pain of betrayal and reality of my status. Master may not even make me feel better afterwards, Oh more pain!

Can I really leanr to accept and tolerate anything to be able to love my love fully. When as Master he can do anything. Certainly there is a lot to overcome for me within such matter that hold such conflict for me. I need some teaching I think.

This photo is full of emotion. Something is about to happen and all my senses are being excited. He will take her as Master expects me to be available to him at all times. Vulnerable, The softness of the voile, nowehere really to hide.

This photo is sensual to me. I am attracted to the shades and steaminess I sense. Master can see her whenever he wants - her room merely opaque, flimsy voile.
I feel vulnerable, nowhere is my own.





A letter I sent to a power supplier EON, It made me smile at myself and released my fury at the same time. Not written in the best grammar and certainly you can detect my dyslexia I believe. But who cares. I felt like I had had my say. They say .... they will get back to me within 5 days (on an automatic response email - pah!). I think if I had spoken to them I would have been holpping ad shouting and demanding but getting nowhere. In turn my fury who have been increasing ....

it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Macbeth Quote (Act V, Scene V).



I wish to express how infuriated I get just receiving a standardised letter from EON. It will pass but always quicker by venting my frustration.


OK - I ahve one issue and as a result a request that I was just going to leave.
My issue is that today I have received a letter saying that you need to increase my Direct Debit to you. Well This is unsastisfactory as you currently OWE ME MONEY! Please return the money you owe me immediately and then I will consider the increase in Direct Debit. You have had my money now for several months so assume that you will also return it with interest???? That would be damned well pleasing!
Please do something reasonable that leaves me feeling less angry at your selfishness and what looks like pure greed for more more more.
I have appreciated over the last couple of years a service. No hassle but I had to fight for that the last tme you tried getting greedy and unreasonable with me. Now I have to do it again. This is not what I call service but sadly everyone does it so it seems everyone will. You know what I received amazing service levels from Apple recently - I think there are models occasionally of what is good service and perhaps there would be less hassle. or maybe we have to have bad service to be able to appreciate good - damn!
The next part of my email to you is a request from you to take a look at my charges. I recently received from you, details of my change of account. Or rather a reduction in the discounts you are now giving.
Well based on my actual useage and not your guestimates would you have one of your experts take a look and see if there is a plan that would reduce my costs please? Now I feel like begging when really as a customer I am perfectly entitled to ask you to assess the best deal for me and what I hope for is fairness.
My experience of services in the UK is not fairness and I guess that means I have to read every bit of small print to make sure you dont rip me off.
What a society of take, take, take we live in. Pity as I meet some wonderful, wonderful situations of sharing too. Must hold onto that.
Well I have had my say. Its a mix of venting but also request of action from you people.
Please can someone respond and I live in hope of it being a provision of service and fairness. Not all in your favour for a change?
I look forward to someone calling me. I promise to work on remaining calm and very aware its not the individuals fault. Whoever calls you work in a very difficult job. Hope you get paid fairly for the task you take on.
I am a nice person and a lot less hot tempered now.
Thanks for at least having this means of me venting before having to try and sort out the issue at hand.


Bliss

Invisible Friends

The reason old souls enjoy spending time alone, Bliss, is because they never really are.
Much love from your invisible friends,
The Universe

I would love to be better able to sit with my own company and contemplate or meditate in calm and peace. I crave connection with people. Hence I think it was so easy to get absorbed into SL. I never ever had to be alone and sit with a single difficult feeling again.
I was learning as I went along but I am yet to get to a point when I am able to balance being out in the world with quiet in the Universe. I work towards that I think.

Slave training. Straps and ropes.

Master requires me to stroke myself each time I go for a pee. I  described to him this morning what I actually do. I had not asked his permission but had evolved his original instruction. He said I must stroke myself from my arsehole slowly through my slit each time I go. And I must drink water with each cup of coffee I take.

At work it is usually quite rushed but as I am home it was once again very slow.

After peeing I am not to clean myself. I wet my two fingers in my mouth first and then run my fingers very slowly from my arsehole moving so slowly forward. I imagine looking up at Master into his eyes as he looks down on me. This is renders me very vulnerable. Both that I am doing this voluntarily and it leaves me most exposed in this very private act. As I move my fingers forward slowly sometimes a finger slips into the opening of my pussy and I can feel just how wet I am aroused now by the very thought of going for a pee.

I move slowly onto my very erect clit and as my fingers move over my clit it flicks back into place. I cannot help but close my eyes with the sensation at this point.

As I write this I can feel the arousal in my nipples, they are aching with their erection and my clit and pussy are sensitive to every move as I sit here in the chair.

Drinking water was almost a torture as I drink little usually but it is becoming a pleasurable discomfort and going to the toilet is now an instant reflex arousal.

Master wants to watch me. Today he asked for a photo. Despite my problem with photo's - just lack of self esteem I sent him one.

his slave is very much at the forefront of my being right now. I do wonder if it's when Master is more dominant and Masterly generally and I am to be available at all times to meet his needs. Sometimes though I wonder if the slave is more prominent in me and this then arouses Master. Maybe it just alters between us.

Oh my pussy and clit are aching.

I feel embarrassed to be writing this but have committed to recording my experiences. I have years of handwritten journals for reading someday. And now this - which opens up the opportunity for an audience.

Tomorrow I must study more. It is so distracting to be sensual and sexual. Mmmmm mmmmm.

Bliss

Scribblers in Darth Vaders Room- Shibari

By the way, dear Bliss, the world doesn't need fixing.
Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.
Tallyho,
The Universe

Everything is just how it's meant to be. Man I don't want to feel painful emotions. Man! Something was seeming amiss. Just the slightest of change and  I can feel it in the air. The problem is distinguishing thereafter my sensitivity and my imagination.

Last evening MAster and I were discussing me as his slave and him as my Master. We spoke of bondage and he referred again to Japanese bondage. It has a name - Shibari I think.
Gosh as we discussed it I felt my arousal. It was a gentle and almost deep and subtle arousal. Somewhere within me not right at the nerve endings in my clit or my pussy. It was deeper. They way we were discussing this. Very relaxed and openly. As I was listening to Master alert to his seeming knowledge of such things. I don;t know if it's personal experience but how fascinating that he has such awareness of these things and brings them to my door.
As he spoke about his desire for me to be bound, I felt his power. He aske dme how I think it would feel. His question then took me into attempting to put myself in this situation. The cold handcuffs on my wrist. I imagined feeling them. The metal on my skin and pressing against the bones in my wrists. I imagined but didn't clarify that I would be cuffed with my hands behind me. I imagined also that I would be naked. I also wondered if he would cuff my ankles too. I didn't ask all this things. Just listened to him and developed these pictures in my mind and tried to imagine how it would feel. I thought about how my arms would ache after a time and then spoke to Master about realising that he would have complete power. He might cuff me and then just leave me and he added yes - it could be for hours. Then he said how he might blindfold me and I wouldn;t know what he was doing and after a slight evocative pause added it might not even be him. Gosh I could feel my submissive self. I don't how to describe that. It's not as if the slave in me disappears now ever but does become quieter submissive to my own controlling daily lifestyle. But with a certain atmoshpere, Master immediately takes control.
I said to Master I realise that he could do anything. Leave me for hours or use my body however he wished. I then thought about the different feelings. I am sure if left for hours with nothing I would become furious and he would still have control. I have no idea how that would be.
I also was aware that the more I share with him the more he gets to know me and takes greater ownership over me. Just writing all of this awakens the sexual response in me. I can be controlled entirely through this very powerful human (and animal) instinct.
I am pleased Master allows me to exist in different ways. He does not try to deaden my mind. But I can see how it s possible to just own me. Totally.

This picture above. Well Master spoek about Japanese bondage and how he wondered how it must feel. Not for himself but how it would feel for me to be in these ropes. Yes I then wondered too. I could imagine the feeling of the ropes all over my body. I have seen photos were the rope passes throught the slit and the Master can then pull on the rope. I can imagine the mix of pain and pleasure. Wow how arousing is that? And how my breasts could be shaped and moulded by the ropes and knots. Again rendered helpless and possible to place legs and arms and body parts in shapes and positions totally within Masters desire.

Again this is all imagination and the arousal creates the desire for this to actually happen. The power Master executes over my imagination. He is so visionary and brings this to my consciousness. I love the experience of consciousness and how cleverly it is combined with bodily desires. Master is a master at this. I wonder if he knows and if it's intentional or if this is actually a discovery by accident with someone like me.
It is a wonder that this slave has met Master. It seems to work perfectly for this slave.


What I consider on a daily basis is how this slave and how I my lovers lover can combine to enjoy both to the fullest. There does seem to be some confliction. I spoke to Shaga and she said she never forgets that the other exists when she is currently more slave or more lover. HOW??????????????

More to write - am revising and avoiding. Exam on Tuesday.SHIT!!!!


I still wish to continue my thoughts on friendship, love, trust, dependability versus Master having women rather than just me. It really doesn't work for me in a lover relationship/ But as Master said last night the imaginary situation is very very arousing. Maybe it's enough to just masticate over imaginary scenarios. I am always then ready for sex. Phew!

Bliss


There must be a bug in the system, Bliss, because according to my records, you've never been told exactly how powerful you are.
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very to the ten zenbillion.
K?
The Universe
 
This slave recognises the power of being in the control of Master. Mmmmmmmm