In response

Good morning S

How is your PMT? Any relief yet?

I am writing because I love your writing. Your honesty with yourself and the way you think about your experiences. And because I identify myself within your words.

My dad is ex-military and a total bigot. The odd thing is I am always attracted to the angst in a man. And I recognise this these days. I feel safe and as if they are strong and want ti take care of me. I always have found out that actually there is anger just under the surface. I sort of hero-worship for their bravery. Like I used to think cowboys are so manly and strong and brave.

Crazy - I romanticise all this and then discover that they are just angry and nasty to all including me. They want to look after me so long as I do exactly as they say. Unfortunately I am too much of a rebel and want to break free. I am very muddled around all this. I think it swings like the bi-polar does. After all look at the strong pull I had and can think about with M/s. I willingly wanted to learn to be completely giving of me. Ha how useless I was at that. I could not combat my own wants!! Good.

I also relate strongly to the way my size seems to be a focus of everything. I don't want to go out, or meet up with people. I never buy clothes. I make plans and cancel.

And so on. And as you remarked it is baffling how I take comfort in the unhealthy foods and yet feel dreadful immediately afterwards.

I have been studying the brain chemicals and the ways in which the natural opioids in out brains are stimulated hugely by sugars - bear in mind that sugars are high in some carbohydrates - white flour for example. So there is this genuine placating that takes place - briefly!! And if addictive, as I am, then this working with the addictive processes is lethal.

So it is a physiological process as well as an emotional and spiritual process. I am currently trying to eat healthier again after a few weeks of insatiable hunger which I truly believe is connected with the hormonal shifts of menopause. A magnified version for me of PMT and one that lasts longer.

And yes if you can take it HRT offers some relief from some of the symptoms - of which the ones I have are driving me crazy. I am gaining a little more acceptance - very slowly.

Right now I am relieved that the hunger has lifted and I am once again eating more healthily. I still allow myself all food types but stick to three meals per day - no snacks at all and minimise when I can the really high fat content and high sugar content. Plus I am walking every day even if only half an hour. And some sit ups again in the morning. All this had stopped for months. Loads of weight has piled back on. It's so frustrating that I turn to food to comfort when actually it no longer works. I would like to not turn to anything for comfort. I would like to be better practiced at working through whatever it is I am avoiding. Usually loneliness and sadness. Blah blah blah

Your birthday - you sound so similar to me. I thought for my 40th and my 50th I should do something big and special. I didn't. I am just not a big party person. Friends said I should have partied so for 2 years on the trot I arranged gatherings. It was nice but just not me. I enjoyed lots of people gathering for me - the first time was an exceptionally hot day and we had a huge gathering for a picnic. Everyone bought their own fare so the costs were zero - of course this was May.

The next year a friend suggested we have the picnic in her garden. Nice but actually I realised it was a lot of stress and I a not a big gathering type person

And I worried about who would come - I invited just about everyone I know from all over the world and some people I barely know too. Some of them I have never seen again which is no issue as they were people flitting by my life.

Since then I invite just my very closest friends - 3 of them and we go out for a meal. And then my other friend who doesn't like mixing with strangers (everyone is a stranger as she isolates really) we go out for an Indian meal or get a take away with her mum and sister. This year even that got bigger and more fussy than I really wanted.

I like it quiet and least fuss. But there are friends who say to me that I am not treating myself and that its a self esteem issue. I am not sure it is.

This year I had several gatherings with different friends simple quiet meals out.

It suits me.

And when PMT ish it may not be the easiest time to be working out what you want or need. There is no rush is there? You can decide not to decide for today.

I find it difficult to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion even when it is prejudices and meanness. But they are of course allowed to be different from me.

I try to practice not trying to change peoples minds, being acceptant and not being afraid to put my views in too. However, it seems that some people are so prejudiced they cannot be open. It is pointless. I can continue to practice openness. I always hear something that is valuable to my own development.

However I have realised that there is no point in trying to put a different view across. Funnily enough a Chris I was pursuing for the wrong reasons was military and also bigoted. I couldn't understand why I so wanted him when he was so mean and nasty about the world. It's what I do. Overlook my own values just to try and be wanted. No more!

This means the path narrows I guess. But it is seemingly impossible to be with someone who has such opposing views. There needs to be some common ground within friendships.

As I read about your visit with Darren I felt quite concerned. I didn't like that you felt separate and their inhospitable ways and views - nah! Not nice.

It's funny what makes the world go around. I realise that I need to know meanness so that I also recognise inclusion and generosity and grace.

I work towards those qualities, I value them whereas those people who value segregation and closedness are really helpful in me finding my values. I just need to minimise time with them. Oh and stop trying to change them hahahaha.

I love reading your Blog - your thoughts. I hope you don't mind me having my thoughts on them. I will not send this of course to maintain your privacy. You just stimulate thoughts and ideas in me- thank you.

--

Bliss

XX

Baffling - people with people

People. I love them and I am at times baffled by them.
I see a client who is so defended up and says that he has no fears. He wants to be antagonistic. He doesn't want therapy around these things he just wants to be well and thinks everyone is out to get him. Hearing his story I understand why. Me though - I start thinking I am not doing my job. I haven't asked the right questions. I become insecure. I have to hold myself steady in this. I am doing what I would do with all clients and some want to work and by doing so they explore the possibilities. So there are some people that it just doesn't work for. I will be interested to hear what other colleagues say.
I have been concerned about a friend recently. However she says she's been feeling better recently than she had been feeling. It seemed that my concern was interpreted with some criticism. She read it and I didn't mean that. It feels very scratchy with her recently. I need to pull out of the scratching and just let it be because otherwise me explaining me becomes some kind of battle. This happens from time to time with her. I guess it happens with people.
Within friendships it sort of moves in and out. I can accept my friends the way they are. I do not rust that they will be as acceptant as I am and withdraw gradually. Well if that's what happens that's what happens. I move away gradually from some people too. I hope it doesn't as the friends I have are very important to me and I value them all in different ways.
I have pulled back from E in terms of work. I prefer not to have work conversations now and no personal conversations at work. I visit her less often at work and am trying not to be all jokey and excessive. I will attempt to more professional. Light and breezy is one thing but I can take that too far.
A is less available recently since meeting her boyfriend. I am glad we are working through the steps together as this means we meet weekly.
I wonder????
Apparently SH has become a little more portly. He was very skinny so could do with some filling out. But this would be good too for my own filling out. So selfish ha ha ha and all about how I am looking. I wish it mattered less. And it does. I am who I am. I have prejudices against size and it's not true.
People! Me!
I have time for rambling this morning and oddly nothing too specific to ramble about. I am working the later shift - Aftercare. Lovely. And we have supervision today. Great. Apparently V will be there too which will be interesting. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with some challenges she makes as they seem to me to be direct criticism of people and not respectful of the way people think and feel at all. Ha ha which is a direct criticism from me. So I will not be remarking for a while I think. I get a sense that she is very very sensitive and may find the open arena quite difficult. We will see.
One thing that has presented itself to me this week (and in the past) is that in advance I make plans that sound really good. But as it gets closer I start to bottle out. I am not sure what this is about. I recall it starting to happen excessively when I was first unwell. Until that time I always went to everything without fear. But now everything fears fearful unless I am doing something with someone I know well. When I have moved out of my comfort zone I have had a great time and loved the sense of achievement and adventure. I love adventuring. But somehow things seem difficult and then I disappoint people not least myself.
I am not sure what the fears are about. It sometimes seems difficult to organise the arrangements. Timing and what I might need, how to get there and logistical things can seem really too much to handle. And then I am not organised in advance. I leave everything to the last minute so then feel too rushed. Also I think when I feel uncomfortable about me and my size that limits me incredibly. I feel unlikeable when I am bigger than I am comfortable with.That is because I dislike myself.
So I am not certain about the underlying issues with this. Commitment.
I will book my tickets to Oslo this week when I get paid. And then book the car park at Stansted and pass all the details to T so that its organised.
I must make arrangements with R for Spain too.
I feel committed to these trips. I sort of know actually when I am not really committing. Now I think I don;t like to say that I am not committing so that I seem nice to people but it's worse for them when I cancel last minute. Now there's a thought. Also I like the idea of some things but don't feel committed. Actually I am not sure this is about fear at all or rather fear about the doing of things. I think it's more do with people-pleasing. Interesting.
More to be explored because I can't be bothered right now. Even more interesting.
der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bliss
XX

Wander lonely as a cloud

Festival!

After meeting my dad I sent off my assignment!!!! And then popped into Petersfield to the Arts and Crafts exhibition. It was interesting and there were some interesting pieces of work. Only one or two really caught my attention. Irene Day was one. People and browns and a sort of impressionism. I wished I had bought the little one I picked out for £25. I did pick it out but they weren't able to take a debit card and suggested I left to get the cash from the hole in the wall gang. As I left I changed my mind about spending the money. Unsure whether I should be buying any art pieces as I have no money really. However, I wished I had.They were foolish as I was willin g to pay a £15 deposit. Silly sellers.

I heard something great on the radio - just made me smile. When eating something really bitter "draws your backside up to your elbow" tee hee.

A very raw Aussie film - Animal Kingdom. Some very sincere acting. I recommend it but not for the faint hearted. Aggressive. Criminals.

Bliss

XX

All a bit of a kerfuffle

My dad called and I am going to meet him for lunch. It arouses such a  mix of the the little girl feelings in me - excited, hopeful, wanting, anxious, scared, sad. I am not sure where anger goes but I don't feel it right now. I guess that usually follows with the disappointment and the put downs!
I am attempting to be aware and observe and simply be myself without being defensive and spiky in my defensiveness.
I am me. And at the moment I feel light and breezy, perhaps a little high. I am taking the pills! Much to my disgust.
I have sent a text to a friend that helped me get out in words the things that are going on. I want to be full of news and be interesting and immediately I feel uninteresting and I haven't a clue what's going on. So instead I could ask questions of interest. I wonder what he thinks of the riots but feel certain he'll just say lock em all up or shoot them all. I wonder what he thinks about the state of the economy and the current Government. I doubt I would get much of an answer. I could ask him what he is finding intersting these days that fills the time between his hospital visits. What stimulates him?
I am stimulated by art, and goo films. I love walking and the countryside and my friends stimulate me enormously bringing me their interestes to understand. I am interested in history and yet know so little of the stories that go along to make up the legacy we live within today. I am interested in Buddhism well belief systems and what is peaceful amongst the different principles. Music stimulates me and poetry. Psychology lesson stimulate me - I am fascinated by the way we work biologically as well.

Well it was OK. He doesn't really want to engage in any meaningful discussions it seems. He likes talking about Korea and his part in it. He read a book called the Battle of Imgin. He was relating to sections of the book from his experience. It sounds hell. I think I will try and read it. He boasts about status things regarding his pension and hospital treatment etc. I talked about things I have been showing an interest in recently and he isn't terribly conversive about them so I tailor off. I did mention bi-polar and again he didn't really show any interest so I ended that too.
It feels alright. It is all about him and it is disappointing that he shows no interest or wants to discuss anything of general interest with me. I suppose that's how it's actually always been. And I do not take offence as I have done in the past. It's not so much to do with me but his own way and that's who and how he is.
He moaned a lot about T's daughters. I think that is a sort of explanation so that I am not feeling about them. I described to him the hurt I felt about some past experiences that involved him with them. I think he protests too much. Yet again he really isn't a people fan at all. I asked him about that and he said he prefers not having contact with people. I feel sad about that. And it was evident with my mum. He made such a terrible atmosphere whenever visiting people or having visitors was involved. My mum used to be in tears often. She made her own social life and in the end ignored him. However, he could make sure visitors knew they were unwelcome! I have horrid memories of occassions involving my own friends. He was justy downright rude. I rarely took anyone home. All that adds to the feelings associated with my dad.
But just sitting there, the two of us, it's OK. It's not great but it's OK. He invited me to his house. At first he said would I brave it. To which I pointed out that I have no issues but it seems that I have been unwelcome and never invited. So he said when T is feeling slightly better then perhaps I would go and visit. Of course I will. That will be another whole ball-game with T as the last time I really had any encounter with her was the werirdness when my dad was in hospital for his heart valve op!
So yes an OK encounter with my dad. I approached him to kiss him on the cheek. I hate the feel of his skin on my lips. Makes me gag!

But overall it's just OK. Not incredibly close but certaily easier than it has felt.

Sad, a little flat, disappointed, accepting, suspicious, pleased, relaxed, insecure, comfortable.
A right old mix of emotions. It was difficult to observe myself I have just realised. But on reflection, I listened a lot. I did ask questions of the things he seemed interesting to talk about. I was reasonably relaxed and acceptant of him. I talked and I had a happy disposition with him. I hate that I mention finances and it's as if I have tourettes. Ha ha, nothing happens though. Uhm. I did notice how horrible the physical contact is. I am conscious of every part me involved in any contact. And that is not pleasant to be so acutely aware of.

I have submitted my assignment!!!!!! So off for an hour to Festival Hall to the arts and craft exhibition. Then back to get LouLou and meet up for a walk. Yip yip. An evening free of angst and work tomorrow.

What was my dream. Darn it I can't remember. It involved ..... people. People I know but who were they???? Darn I can't quite remember. I need something to break the dream. Humph!

Bliss
XX

Funny how noone is about when it's more personal

I noticed how the people looking at my Blog are very low compared with times when I have put specific information linked with history or fact or art etc.
Actually oddly enough the views with M/s seem low. But Mapplethorpe is a regularly popular view.
I would still love to hear from people who do take a read through any of my blogs. It would be interesting to get a dialogue going in connection with any topics at all. or just to hear from people generally. These are few and far beetween.
Still that is not my purpose so it's no big deal. These are personal records of day to day "stuff" in my life.
Bliss
XX

Ellis

This morning I dreamt I was with my cousin. We were talking gently as she was lying in bed. Ellis was with us, who was born as my mum was dying, so is 11 years old in October. I was playing with her although she barely knows me. I was very conscious that I was holding her by her arms as she swung off the side of the bed. I kept putting her on the bed but she wanted more. L and I were talking about her death and then suddenly she disappeared and became Ellis. These things happen in dreams but I was aware I was dreaming and at the same time wondering where L was and whether she would be coming back. So Ellis and I talked about her mum dying. We spoke very practically and emotionally and I cuddled her when she wanted to be cuddled.
I was so sad. Ellis was very understanding and sensible and very sad too. I woke up at the point when the emotions were more settled.
Things are not good for my cousin. I am praying very hard.

The day before I dreamt I was flying. I was sort of seated though as if on the floor. Everyone could do it but for a limited time. whereas I could do it for an unlimited time. It was just off the ground level really, about waist height. But I think I could have flown higher if I wanted. I glided down a pathway, quite open and over a little bridge, passing people walking in the other direction. I caught up with my brother and sister who were walking along together. My brother didn't like me being behind him.
In real life I don't have a brother and sister. Oh and I can't fly either. I was loving the flying and disappointed to wake from that.

Whilst out walking yesterday A and I noticed smoke billowing, way off in the distance. We joked about it being my flat. So I spent all the time worrying about that although I didn't return any earlier.
Apparently this was a battery factory at Lasham that exploded. My friend who lives there said the explosions were very loud and the smoke very smelly.

 This is simply a pic of the lovely sky

SH is going to the BBQ! I am surprised yet also pleased. This might suggest that there is a shift in his feelings and attitude towards me. I hope so anyway. Whatever his motives though I am pleased that he is going. I hope it is easy going. I am very uncertain how I will deal with the situation. i would like to be ale to say hello face to face early on. And someone suggested that I say something like " S, it's lovely to see you" because it truly would be. I would hope that if emotions has shifted that someday we could at least be friendly towards each other. I am a little anxious too. Well in case there is the ignoring again that feels so nasty and angry. He was s angry and blaming and yet he was a part of it all too. I do regret that I took JB there. I really do. I cannot use this gathering as an opportunity to make amends but I do regret that it turned all so horrible and a battle ground. I would also apologise for that incident. It was once and never again as I knew I would have hated it and actually it would have just been a fuel for the fire amidst all the nastiness. What I hate is that he thought he was entitled to so much more money and begrudged me getting anything out of it at all. Well that's how it seemed to me.

I have feelings of resentment about that and become very defensive. It links in with my lack of worth which is why I was glad to have a solicitor who was not pushy but was willing to stand for my rights. I appreciated that. We didn't go over the top but the amount was agreed. SH even commented that he was surprised I didn't want more and at that time we agreed it was in full and final settlement. But on the very last day his solicitor called saying he wanted an amount of money that I can't remember how much, but it was a significant chunk out of the agreed amount. I asked my solicitor and she said no as we had agreed the amount in full and final settlement. I would never ever want to deal with someone so aggressively horrid around such matters again. I would hope not to have to do that anyway. However, I do think if there is any issue with my dad's will there would be problems with T.

So in writing this I can see I still have feelings around that situation. I feel defensive. Usual thing, me looking at all that I must have done wrong. I was not the only person in the relationship and between us we destroyed it. It wasn't me alone. And I was not and am not a bad person. I make mistakes yes indeed. And I am very insecure. I like a lot of freedom once I am secure within the relationship.

I feel strongly about things like his meanness in temper and his controlling attitude, were all a mush of the dynamics between the two of us. I can see my part and my patterns. It is not up to me to look at his or look at his motives. We tried and it didn't work out. I am sure we wouldn't even get together these days with the changes in me. It was a terrible time. I did have strong feelings for SH and I also loved our little lifestyle. I came to hate the cottage. I loved the first one tough as it was such a wonderful time there.

But things I didn't like to have to witness was the gossip and derogatory way in which he thought and talked about others. He wanted me to be how he wanted me to be. I started out very very insecure and he was patient with all of that. Indeed he helped me to get through the insecurity to the point when I was happy to encourage him to pursue his interests and I supported all the decisions he made about his work etc. He did get very mean though and I started to stand against his attitude towards me, which he really didn't like. What I thought was that he was becoming the man he hated in his father. Yet his father I really liked. Funny isn't it how a person presents. The person who I thought was controlling and vicious was his mum. She had a real soft, gentle, generous side to her. She was ridden with arthritis that had been presenting itself since a very young age, within her twenties. Poor woman. And with it I saw a lot of nastiness. I am not surprised but of course everyone overlooked it. The relationship between M and A must have been so tough in many ways - physical, mental and emotional let alone nothing spiritual - other than apparently M's heavy drinking and violent temper. And then his sister B, who also seemed to be troubled.

So much water under the bridge. SH met a new girlfriend soon after we split up. I think he was seeing her before I started seeing JB. I think that to try and lessen my own guilt. It was all too soon and I realised that very quickly in the Jan07 in Spain. It just wasn't right for me.

And then there was the living in the house with him there too. I was relieved that he made the decision to stay away. It wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed only shouting arguments. Oh it was a horrid time in my memory. I am slightly afraid of him. Not because I think he will be violent, although he very nearly hit me once. His anger was vile. Other people saw it which was a relief really. I always think I am the problem but when other people said at the time and since how angry and unreasonable he was. That was it, he was unreasonable thinking though that it was me that was unreasonable.

He hated me being on the phone, yet he would be watching a film I didn't want to watch. Admittedly I was on the phone far too much. That was what my dad was like too though. I needed to learn to compromise a little on that. However, things were already not decent between us and that was my escape too. Unreasonable though as rather than talking about the problems I avoided him!

He wanted me to be in more. I was a bit away with the faeries at that time, pursuing things like Tarot etc. And I was going to the Epsom meeting weekly, I went to a meditation ting in Oxford 4 times, I was seeing my sponsor one a week, I saw friends sometimes. It was not unreasonable though as a lot of my time was during the day. He resented that when I was off sick. And ha ha what he didn't even realise as he was so not money astute was that all the time I was contributing monthly! He tried to play that card until he checked all the statements. He didn't even believe me when I told him. That was set up from the very start!! He wasn't good at all that sort of thing or rather not very aware. The way he ran his business and his decisions told me that.

It was so good in the beginning. But I do remember after 6 months begging God not to let the rot set in that I had started feeling. That usual old pattern. Everything that had appeared attractive was all there was. Surface stuff and appearances. We had a year nearly two years of fun though. Growing in our recovery but too much together. I think he resented me re-training and pursuing a new career. He used to get angry that he collected the dogs everyday. But he was in Farnham and I was in Portsmouth - the dogs were in Farnham!! It baffled me. And then when I worked for him! That was the silliest move yet. It was a reprieve after burning out and having a complete low again. It was truly helpful. But it was so flipping boring. The workloads were light for me so when I started taking longer lunch breaks they got annoyed. Rightly so actually. It was taking the piss. However, it was only ever meant to be temporary and 4 days a week. I was paid a pittance. £16k. That's ridiculous. And so when I was looking to leave SH got arsey about that too. He was just getting angrier and angrier with everyone. His parents, his sister, his best friend. Everyone got it and eventually so did I!!

I am taking his inventory now. It's all flowing. But the thing is I was too uncertain to be able to talk about it. I didn't know what to do really. If we talked we ended up screaming at each other. He wanted one way and wanted another. The funny thing is that I really wanted him to be able to do what he wanted and would be there to support him. Of course the anything with my dignity and respect in mind too. Consideration. That's what I needed more of though. As it was getting worse between us I wanted to be away from him more and more. I think. And yet I think I was there most of the time and his expectations became unreasonable.

In the end the best thing happened, we went our separate ways. It should have happened a lot sooner really, before the nastiness really started. However, I think with his desire for money that would have happened anyway. My involvement with JB didn't help matters. SH at least kept his new relationship far away. That is one of my biggest regrets.I also regret that we bought that cottage. It was in desperation to stay in the village. We forced it to happen and really we should have had more faith.

As I am trying to have for Saturday - I will make a decision to turn my will over and trust that what will happen will all be OK whatever happens. I am willing to be friendly and speak if that's possible.

We will see won't we.

Something I have been thinking about recently are the little bouts of dishonesty with JH. I lied about DD asking me to get some "toys". I lied because I was embarrassed that I had purchased them extra to DD's requirement. I was really intrigued by the M/s relationship and being so controlled and punished for non-compliance. I also was untruthful about DD lending me to the horrid Frenchman, with whom JH met me the first time. I had spoke to DD about him but DD didn't lend me. I was intrigued yet again with M/s and so played whilst waiting for DD. Yuch! I feel unclean about such lies. Especially when I was wanting JH to be honest. However, I wanted him to be honest so that he would change. That's no good at all. If wanting someone to change then it is not right. I don't want to be with someone who is having dalliances with anyone else and that's the way JH was. That's not a judgement just not OK for me. So in becoming more honest but when I was so ensconced in all the things I liked about him, I wanted him to change. Whereas honesty from the beginning would ensure that a relationship is seen for what it is right from the start. No false expectations. Courting is so necessary to establish what both parties want and see if they are compatible. But that requires honesty and dealing with preferences etc. I get it so long as I am not involved with it. I need to be much more certain about myself and actually have the loving relationship with me. I am glad to have experienced the M/s as I was truly intrigued but it was not healthy for me. Keeping me in the lower position. I like the loveliness that could be between two people and sexually I learnt a lot, i.e to be more relaxed. However, I would want that but without the roles to hide behind. Others involved in it would not see it that way I guess. Each to their own. It ended up being so unhealthy for me.

Yup! Still working through relationship things but without anger. And be placed to look at my part and move on emotionally. This is good and freeing. JB is done and dusted ages ago. And we have a nice friendship now. Maybe that's why the other two are still things that I work through and take lessons from?? Who knows. I don't think I am hanging onto stuff on a daily basis. I don't think so anyway!!

In the meantime let me focus my energy on my assignment - yup! still not completed. Flipping heck. I am so avoidant!!!!!

Bliss
xx

Bottled Steenie

Who am I to reason why? Help me underdstand please

Please help my cousin! It is so horrid for her. Is it that she is fighting the inevitable too hard that it is being made so worse for her? But fighters often pull through. I don't understand??

Today is the first day I have attached with the emotion around all of this. I have felt for them but I have kept it so separate. And suddenly gush. It's so unfair and unkind and the pain I am witnessing - all of the close family. Bloody hell it really doesn't make sense.
Is it weird to say that I would willingly swap if she could have happy loving time with her family, her little girls. It says to me I don;t give great value to my own life. I never have I suppose.
They say be careful what you wish for. I am just praying ever so ever so hard that by some miracle she recovers. It doesn't sound at all good right now.

Is it Karma or is it just the way it is? I cannot believe she is being punished, she is a good person. Is it because she's needed in Heaven? I don't believe in that either.
It's all too much bigger than little me. Who am I to reason why?


Bliss :(
XX

A bit twee

http://www.douglasrobertson.co.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=frontpage&Itemid=28

Some of the concepts I really like



Bliss
XX

Nothing and noone disappoints anymore.

When you hear words that hurt, distract, or disappoint, Bliss, at minimum, a silent whisper of gratitude is due the soul who unwittingly risked friendship with a spiritual giant, so that you might sooner understand that words needn't ever hurt, distract, or disappoint.
Tallyho,
    The Universe

So long as at first the emotions can be acknowledged and worked through. However the wiser the quicker the processing - the pain lessens in intensity then as the time being in it is shorter.
I am realy feeling the words of the Buddhists ......

Yup! Just for today I have clarity and contentment with this thought.
I even experienced it when thinking that a very very good friend of mine seems to be distancing. I have thoughts about her demeanour but it is actually none of my business unless she makes it my business or asks my opinion.
However I have observed myself in this. I feel fear and disappointment. I noticed how I say that she is withdrawing from me or doesn't trust me. Actually this is how it seems to me but is it actually what's happenening? And even if it is as my very good friend I can be acceptant of that. My disappoint is actually uite nice as it shows how much I value her. And as such I can just be along her journey for as long as we both want to make that work. If for any reason she or I divert off then I would feel great loss but right now she is there and as close as is comfortable for her and I can manage myself within that. It is how it is. I mentioned to her that I was feeling a degree of fear that she is withdrawing and she said not. I thught it was quite defensive and then in a light way putting it on me. But I smiled at that too and observed myself becoming defensive and how that becomes argumentative. Instead I agreed that yes maybe those were the reasons why without taking it on as my fault. That's new!
And on reflection I can oberve myself further. She is a good friend and she is how she is. I feel very able to me with her and we enjoy similar things and bring new things to each other too.
There's a lot to be rejoiced. And actually nothing to agonise over. I state her value to me and tell her I love her and how I enjoy being with her. That's all I need to do because its my truth.
Bliss
XX

I just read this ...
Like many of us, when I had my first taste of monstrous fear and anxiety, I began to read self help books. I took momentary soothing from these books, and at the time they enabled me to calm the storm of these serious life threatening emotions. But despite numerous searchings, and reading tons of these in vain, my fear still haunted and goaded me. In some ways I liken these books to my spiritual ‘O’ Levels as some of the basics were absorbed and have stayed with me ever since. Probably the best example of this would be in M Scott Peck’s ‘The Road Less Travelled’ when Mr. Peck states; “Life is hard”. That teaching is still very much with me on my personal journey.
The ‘self help’ industry is a multi million pound industry, and because the basic nature of ‘us’ wanting a quick fix, this is exactly why it is thriving. These books will not tell you to hold onto pain, they will advise you to skip over it or through it. It makes more sense to invite in what you usually avoid. For me these lessons were never born through books but were arrived at through legitimate suffering as I stayed with my fear and pain whenever I could manage to. Of course fear still grabs me by the throat but starting with the body I try to relax into it and know it for what is is, an emotion and a reaction to a conditioned thought of; ’this may happen to you’! And what, ‘may happen to me’ … ‘The Truth’, thats what will happen. This is the false self or ego’s worst scenario because then it would loose control of ‘itself’.
I had always thought of myself as someone who is kind, flexible and loving but when confronted with this illusion I realised that I am not perfect and if I am not perfect I am continually letting myself down. I constantly invested into an image of myself that I could not live up to. When this was exposed to me, mainly with the help of therapy, I felt as if there was nothing, absolutely nothing, and at times I felt as if I was going to fall off the end of the world. If I didn’t have a story to cling to anymore, then who was I?
Currently I find myself between two schools of thought, one of Psychotherapy and one of Buddhism as they have so much in common. The problem is, as the title of this piece suggests, if ‘I think I’m a Buddhist’ isn’t that too a statement of ‘I’ and one of a fixed thought.. that ‘I’ am somebody.
Bomb’s keep continually dropping.

Being conscious is what is required and we need to be shown how to do this.
Bliss
XX

Unabated and Angry

They are raging but don't know what it's all about!!!
It's not OK to destroy they way they have destroyed.
What boils down deep within though is greater

"Beauty will save the world. Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. The battlefield is the heart of man." - Fyodor Dostoevski

I believe that society keeps the society from learning how to be conscious. We put people in power who maintain absolute control by not enhancing awareness and knwoledge. It's a vicious cycle downwards. The people don't know how to be responsible so put people in power to get more. The people in power criminalise behaviours more na dmore and even scaremonger in my opinion. Mainly though there is no education for creating self awareness, in fact the opposite. Centuries ago belief system were the educators but became all too powerful for the Kings and states so were denounced of power - probably through scandals and disparging rumours. And although I do not believe in an almighty God in the sense of religious God I realise the value of the teachings. These are stories, parables to make it as easy as possible to unerstand what is very complex about being human.

Today though this is of no interest to the masses. IN turn the powers retain their power by feeding this lack of interest. Therefore the unknown, the unconscious emotions that are there regardless are uneducated emotions. And worse still not knowing they are even there, even discourgaed through society and history, the emotions bubble away anyway driving behaviour and attitude silently, squashed. And then the behaviour bursts out. If it's too bad it's criminalised under the name of law.

Noone is truly listening not even the owners of their emotions.

I liked what I read yesterday how Darwin publicly denounced the value of emotions. So in the 1800's there was a move to disregard and overcome emotions with logic - the mind though isn;t even as clever as the stomach. It takes everything in and spurts nothing out when it is poisonous. The stomach however cleverly protects us and rids itself of harmful content.

People still believe that emotions are to be overcome or squashed.

When will man realise that the war is in his own heart?

Oh my gosh! I am learning about the neuro biology and emotions.

So much is happeneing at an unconscious level. Everything I have thought makes sense according to the biology. Stopping and thinking is crucial to making the next choice. Anger and fear operate at a less than concious level. Mainly because these emotonal responses to external situations probably required immediate action in days of old - i.e. cavemen. However, with socializing etc these are misused and the behaviour is inappropriate. Pent up and misdirected. So now it is impotant to train ourselves to be conscious of these emotions - all of them. So that we can be more constructive rather than destructive in our choices.

We have also to be aware of states of feelings such as greed etc. Learning about basic motivation and the neuronal connections makes sense why we get bored and wanting. We are re-wiring our brains to be greedier and greedier but as a result destroying our world. Simplicity is a contribution to change but not the entire answer.

Wow - it's so interesting. i would love the time to pursue the research and find a way of imparting the changes we can make. Well it's being done already by Buddhism etc. but without the complexity of what is going on biologically. Fundamentlist determinism have their place in the greater social and environmental influences.

I welcome input and feedback and opinions agreements or disagreements

Imagine walking in the woods. A crackling sound occurs.

The neural signal

generated by the sound goes straight to the amygdala through the thalamic

pathway.

The signal also goes from the thalamus to the cortex. Cortical

processing results in recognition

of the sound as corresponding to either that of

a dry twig that snapped under the weight of your boot, or that of a rattlesnake

shaking its tail. But by the time the cortex

has registered this (and any

additional) ambiguity,

the amygdala is already starting to defend against the

snake. The information received

directly from the thalamus is unfiltered and

biased towards evoking responses. The cortex’s job is to prevent

/dampen/

reverse

the inappropriate response rather than produce the appropriate one.

Alternatively, suppose there is a slender curved shape in the path.

Information

regarding the relatively crude features of

curvature and slenderness reach the

amygdala from the thalamus, whereas only the cortex distinguishes a coiled up

snake from a curved stick. If it is a snake, the amygdala is ahead of the game.

From the point of view of survival, it is better to respond to potentially

dangerous events as if they were in fact

a threat than to fail to respond. The

cost of treating a stick as a snake is less, in the long run, than the cost of

treating a snake as a stick.

(LeDoux, 1998)

Bliss

XX

Unstarted confidence lacking

A new word - relaity - delayed reality

I am trying to get started and I am so flipping addicted to people I just keep chatting. E is phoning and I have put a limit of a half hour chat. So the relaity is I will be starting about 10:30. Poop

 LouLou in blisssful knackerdom!!

More practice

Well I know it's a bit wonky but I keep trying and who cares if I enjoy the doing of it.

;)

Bliss

XX

I love you for your soulfulness

Someone said this to me - I think.
It just resonated deeply with me.

Another art attempt - perspective is all wrong but oh well - fun distraction from my essay. AGAIN!!

Bliss
XX

Restlessness

I have a funny empty, dull feeling. I have been noticing that when any friends call I have little to say. I am not like that when I visit A but have been like that unless something sort of triggers an interest. I did notice I was impatient with A when she is asking questions then contending some or lots of the answers she was getting. She was irascible I think for a few days. I noted my own behaviour and attitude around her and was quite pleased with my patience.
However I have this sort of restlessness. And as I look back over the years I can see a similar pattern from a very young age. I would tell my mum that I had this urge or need to do something but I didn't know what. This feeling has never left me, returning from time to time. And I am not certain but I think it is usually followed by a hive of activity and change and usually often risky or annoying behaviours for others at least.
As I was talking with M this evening I thought I was sounding boring and gloomy. But when she talked about being bored with analysis I smiled to myself as that's what I hear her do often unless she catches herself and then she tries to keep it light and breezy recently. I do think M is withdrawing from me more. Having said that she suggested we meet up for a walk this week which I would enjoy.
So this restlessness that I feel. Nothing seems to be enough to keep me on my seat and yet I don't particularly want to do anything. I want to feel occupied. Sketching helps. Film watching - well my concentration just isn't held by it and yet often I love watching a film.
So I will sketch then I suppose.
I can't even be bothered to write this now ha hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Bliss
xx

Hans Litten c/o Wikipedia More research required

Hans Litten

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Hans Achim Litten (June 19, 1903 – February 5, 1938) was a German lawyer who represented opponents of the Nazis at important political trials between 1929 and 1932, defending the rights of workers during the Weimar Republic. During one trial in 1930, Litten subpoenaed Adolf Hitler, to appear as a witness, where Litten then cross-examined Hitler for three hours. Hitler was so rattled by the experience that, years later, he would not allow Litten's name to be mentioned in his presence. In retaliation, Litten was arrested on the night of the Reichstag Fire along with other progressive lawyers and leftists. Litten spent the rest of his life in one Nazi concentration camp or another, enduring torture and many interrogations. After five years and a move to Dachau, where his treatment worsened and he was cut off from all outside communication, he committed suicide. Although a number of memorials to him exist in Germany and a few books have been written about him, Litten remains largely unknown

Contents

Biographical details

The early years

Litten was born the eldest of three sons in a wealthy family in Halle. His parents were Irmgard (née Wüst) and Friedrich (Fritz) Litten.^[1] Litten's father was born Jewish but converted to Lutheranism in order to further his career as a law professor.^[2] His arch-conservative father was an opponent of the Weimar Republic; he was a jurist and professor of Roman and civil law and held appointments as dean of the law school, rector of the University of Königsberg,^[1] and privy counsel (Geheimer Justizrat) and adviser to the Prussian government. His mother was from an established Lutheran family in Swabia, the daughter of Albert Wüst, a professor at the University of Halle-Wittenberg. The family left Halle in 1906 and moved to Königsberg in Prussia.
Litten was baptized a Christian but as a youngster learned Hebrew, choosing it as one of the subjects for his abitur examinations. From his mother, Litten acquired an interest in humanitarian ideas and art and gained a strong sense of justice for the threatened, persecuted and disenfranchised. While his father was away at war Litten once took food from the kitchen to give to a beggar, addressing him as "sir".^[3] Litten's relationship with his father was strained^[4] and his initial interest in Judaism was out of rebellion; he felt his father's conversion was opportunistic. Litten became interested in a German-Jewish youth group with socialist-revolutionary ideas, joining with a school friend, Max Fürst.^[1] Nonetheless, at times, he considered himself a Christian.^[2]
Litten sought out political debate in his youth. He was shaped by important political and social events of the era, such as World War I,^[1] the anti-war demonstration in Berlin on May 1, 1916 when Litten was not quite 13, the German Revolution of 1918-1919, and the arrest and murder of Karl Liebknecht and Rosa Luxembourg by Freikorps soldiers in January 1919. There was an anecdote from Litten's school years, where he was asked in the classroom if they should hang a picture of Paul von Hindenburg, victor of the 1914 Battle of Tannenberg, Litten replied that he'd always been in favor of hanging him.^[5]
Litten was pressured into studying law by his father. He was not interested in it, writing in his journal, "When the ox in paradise was bored, he invented jurisprudence."^[6] He wanted to study art history,^[4][7] but nonetheless, he approached his law studies in Berlin and Munich with intensity, inspired by the events of the day. The Kapp Putsch, the 1924 court case against Adolf Hitler and other events convinced Litten that Germany was approaching a very dangerous period. His perception that right-wing radicals were receiving more lenient treatment in court than their opponents led to his decision to become a lawyer.^[1]
Litten passed his examinations in 1927 with excellent grades and was offered a lucrative job in the Reich Ministry of Justice, as well as a good position in a flourishing law firm. He declined both choosing instead to open a law office in 1928 with Dr. Ludwig Barbasch, a friend who was close to the Communist Party.^[1]
Politically Litten was on the left, though independent. He valued his independence and once said, “two people would be one too many for my party.”^[1][2] Culturally, Litten was conservative, enjoying classical music and poetry, such as that of Rainer Maria Rilke, whose work he could recite. He was an internationalist and was able to read English, Italian, and Sanskrit and enjoyed the music of the Middle East. He had a photographic memory and was considered to have a brilliant intellect.

Cross-examination of Hitler

In May 1931, Litten summoned Adolf Hitler to testify in the Tanzpalast Eden Trial, a court case involving two workers stabbed by four stormtroopers. Litten cross examined Hitler for three hours, finding many points of contradiction and proving that Hitler had exhorted the SA to embark on a systematic campaign of violence against the Nazis' enemies. This was crucial because Hitler was meanwhile trying to pose as a conventional politician to middle class voters and he was insisting that the Nazi Party was "strictly legal". Though a judge halted Litten's questioning, thus saving Hitler from further damning exposure and eventual conviction, newspapers at the time reported on the trial in detail and Hitler was investigated for perjury that summer. He survived the investigation intact, but was rattled by the experience.^[2][8][9]

The Nazis seize power

By 1932, the Nazi party was in ascendancy. Litten's mother and friends were urging him to leave Germany, but he stayed. He said, "The millions of workers can't leave here, so I must stay too".^[1][10] Hitler's hatred for Litten was not forgotten and in the early hours of February 28, 1933, the night of the Reichstag fire, he was rousted from his bed, arrested and taken into protective custody.^[11] Litten's colleagues Ludwig Barbasch and Professor Felix Halle were also arrested.^[11]
Litten was first sent – without trial – to Spandau Prison. From there, he was moved from camp to camp, despite efforts to free him by his mother, jurists and prominent people from in and outside Germany,^[2][12] such as Clifford Allen and the "European Conference for Rights and Freedom", which had members from several countries. Litten was sent to Sonnenburg concentration camp, Brandenburg-Görden Prison, where he was tortured, along with anarchist Erich Mühsam. In February 1934, he was moved to the Moorlager, Esterwegen concentration camp in Emsland and a few months later, he was sent to Lichtenburg.^[1]
The treatment Litten suffered was later described to his mother by an eyewitness. Very early on, he was beaten so badly that the Nazis refused to let even his fellow prisoners see him.^[3] He was tortured and forced into hard labor. He attempted suicide in 1933 in an attempt to avoid endangering his former clients, but he was revived by the Nazis so that they could interrogate him further. Litten's suicide attempt came at Spandau Prison, after he buckled under torture administered to extract information about the Felsenecke trial (see below). After revealing some information, he was immediately accused in the press as an accomplice to the murder of an SA man. Litten then wrote a letter to the Gestapo, saying that evidence gained in such a manner was not true and that he recanted. Knowing what awaited him, he then attempted to take his life.^[1][2][4]

The "bunker", Dachau's prison

Litten's mother wrote about his ordeal, recounting how injuries sustained by him early on left his health permanently damaged. One eye and one leg were injured, never recovering; his jawbone fractured; inner ear damaged; and many teeth knocked out. She also related how, despite her access to many important people in Germany at that time, including Reichswehrminister Werner von Blomberg, Prince Wilhelm of Prussia, Reichsbischof Ludwig Müller, Minister of Justice Franz Gürtner and even then-State Secretary Roland Freisler, she was unable to secure her son's release.^[3][13]
Despite his injuries and suffering, Litten strove to maintain his spirits. At one point, in 1934, his situation improved a little bit when he was moved to Lichtenburg. Initially, it was the same, with more beatings, but then he was allowed to work in the book bindery and the library. On occasion, he was able to listen to music on the radio on Sundays. He was well liked and respected by his fellow prisoners for his knowledge, inner strength and courage.^[1] One prisoner wrote about a party (allowed by the SS) at which, a number of SS men were in attendance. Unafraid of their presence, Litten recited the lyrics of a song that had meant a lot to him in his youth, "Thoughts are free" (in German, Die Gedanken sind frei). The prisoner said that apparently, the SS men did not grasp the significance of the words.^[3]

Dachau and death

In summer 1937, Litten was sent to Buchenwald concentration camp for a month, before finally being sent to Dachau. He arrived on October 16, 1937 and was put in the Jewish barracks. The Jewish prisoners were isolated from others because Jews in other countries were then spreading the grim news about Dachau. Litten's last letter to his family, written in November 1937, spoke of the situation, adding that the Jewish prisoners were soon to be denied mail privileges until further notice. All letters from Jewish prisoners at Dachau ceased at this time.^[3]
In the face of their depressing situation, the Jews at Dachau made efforts to have culture and discussion in their lives, to keep their spirits up. Litten would recite Rilke for hours and he impressed the other prisoners with his knowledge on many subjects. Underneath, however, Litten was losing hope.^[1] On February 5, 1938, after five years of interrogation and torture^[12] and a failed escape attempt, Litten was found by several friends from his barracks, hanging in the lavatory, a suicide.^[14]
The day before his suicide, one of Litten's friends, Alfred Dreifuß found a noose under Litten's pillow. He showed it to the blockälteste, who said it wasn't the first that had been found in Litten's possession. At the time, Litten was under interrogation in the "bunker" (see photo). When he came back, he was clearly in a suicidal frame of mind, repeating several times that he "must speak with Heinz Eschen", a prisoner who had just died. He also had recently told his friends that he'd had enough of being imprisoned. Another of Litten's Dachau friends, Alfred Grünebaum, said later that Litten was in constant fear of more brutal interrogations and that Litten had given up on ever being free. On the evening of February 4, 1938, it was clear what Litten had in mind, but no one kept watch. In the middle of the night, his bed was discovered empty and his friends found him hanging in the lavatory. Litten wrote a few parting words and that he had decided to take his life.^[14]

Highlights of Litten's legal work

Right away, during one of his first trials, Litten caused a sensation, setting the stage for his future as a "labor lawyer". He represented workers who were sentenced in March 1921 to a long term at hard labor in a Zuchthaus for organized resistance against a police invasion of a mass uprising in the central German industrial region a year earlier. The police invasion was ordered by the Prussian Minister of the Interior, Carl Severing.^[15] Litten was able to get some of the workers recognized as political actors, making them eligible under the amnesty law of August 1920.
Through his law partner, Barbasch, Litten got involved with the Rote Hilfe, a solidarity organization founded by Wilhelm Pieck and Clara Zetkin that supported worker's families in dire need during the turbulent early years of the Weimar Republic.^[16] In addition, the Rote Hilfe arranged legal support and legal defense for workers who were under indictment for their political activities or views. By mid 1929, the Rote Hilfe had helped nearly 16,000 arrested workers with legal defense and supported the legal rights of another 27,000 cases.

1929: May Day Trial

In 1929, Litten defended participants in the 1929 May Day rally in Berlin, known as "Bloody May 1929" (Blutmai). Annual workers' rallies on May 1 had been taking place since 1889. In 1929, however, the rally turned bloody when the police intervened with excessive force.^[17] Confrontations between demonstrators and police erupted and the police began firing into crowds and buildings, killing 33 and injuring hundreds, including many bystanders. The workers were charged with severe breach of the peace and with sedition.
In preparation for a defense, Litten founded a committee with Alfred Döblin, Heinrich Mann and Carl von Ossietzky to investigate the event. Litten himself had been at the demonstration and observed the brutal actions of the police. When he went to one man's aid and began writing down the names of victims and eye witnesses, he was himself beaten by a policeman, even though he had identified himself as a lawyer. Litten filed an indictment against the Berlin police president, Karl Friedrich Zörgiebel, for 33 counts of incitement to commit murder.^[17] In his legal notice, he stated:

<><> <><>

“

Zörgiebel has been a member of the Social Democratic Party for many years. He therefore knows that even in Imperial Germany and czarist Russia, workers have never foregone the right to May Day demonstrations because of a police ban. He also knows that a socialist-educated working class will never let this right be taken away. If the defendant still upheld the ban on demonstrations, he also knew there would still be a demonstration. As a person of normal intelligence, the defendant knew that lifting the ban on demonstration would not have come even close to the terrible effect from violent enforcement of the ban.

”

Litten's approach was to focus on the legality of the police actions. Rather than pursue individual police officers, he sought to hold the authority, the police chief, to account and he held that Zörgiebel had ordered the police to use truncheons and live ammunition against the demonstrators. If the police action was illegal under the criminal code, the resulting deaths were then murders and anything done by the demonstrators to resist was "self-defense in the full legal sense".^[17] He argued that Zörgiebel had ordered the police invasion for political, rather than policing considerations. As proof, he produced a May 2, 1929 article from the Berliner Tageblatt, where Zörgiebel had written a defense of his actions that showed its political basis. According to Prussian law, police could use "necessary measures" to maintain public peace and security or prevent a public danger; in other words, it was to be police work and not the result of political conditions.^[17]

Hans Litten Haus on Littenstraße in Berlin

The indictment of Zörgiebel was rejected by the state prosecutors and Litten appealed.^[17] Zörgiebel turned around and filed charges against a worker who had slapped his ear. Litten then took on this worker's defense, arguing that the worker had acted out of justifiable anger about Zörgiebel's 33 murders. The justice rejected Litten's request to produce evidence on the grounds that the 33-count murder indictment against Zörgiebel could be accepted as fact without dropping the culpability of the worker who had hit Zörgiebel on the ear.
The objective in Litten's many lawsuits for the victims of the police attacks and raids was not to litigate individual incidents, but rather to warn about the growing fascism in the country. He worked to put Nazi terror on display, in the hopes it would awaken the public to the threat facing them.^[1] He saw the methods of the police as approaching those of civil war and as being illegal and worked to prove that in court and to pursue the responsible parties wherever they were, even in the highest political circles. He wasn't interested in creating socialist martyrs, rather he sought acquittal or an appropriate punishment, which caused him some conflicts with the Rote Hilfe and the KPD.

1930: Tanzpalast Eden Trial

On November 22, 1930, an SA Rollkommando attacked a popular dance hall frequented predominantly by left-wing workers. The victims were members of a migrant workers' association that was holding a meeting at the Tanzpalast Eden ("Eden Dance Palace") in Berlin. Three people were killed and 20 injured in an attack that was planned in advance. The subsequent police investigation was plodding and slow.
Litten used four of the injured to represent the plaintiff, seeking to prove three cases of attempted manslaughter, breach of the peace and assault. In addition to pursuing criminal convictions of the offenders, Litten wanted to show that the Nazis intentionally used terror as a tactic to destroy the democratic structures of the Weimar Republic. Hitler was summoned to appear as a witness in court to that end.
Shortly before, in September 1930, Hitler had appeared in Leipzig as a witness at the "Ulm Reichswehr Trial" against two officers charged with conspiracy to commit treason for having had membership in the Nazi Party, at that time, forbidden to Reichswehr personnel.^[1][18] Hitler had insisted that his party operated legally, that the phrase "National Revolution"^{[note 1]} was to be interpreted only "politically", and that his Party was a friend, not an enemy of the Reichswehr.^[18] Under oath, Hitler had described the SA as an organization of "intellectual enlightenment" and explained his statement that "heads will roll" as a comment about "intellectual revolution".^{[note 2]}
The court called Hitler to appear on the witness stand on May 8, 1931. Litten set out to show that the SA Sturm 33 ("Storm 33") was a rollkommando (a small, mobile paramilitary unit, generally murderous) and that its attack of the Eden and the resulting murders were undertaken with the knowledge of the party leadership.^[1] This would mean that the Nazi Party was not, in fact, a legitimate (legal) and democratic organization and would undermine Hitler's efforts to be seen as a serious politician and statesman.
Hitler never forgot the fiasco at the Eden trial and the danger Litten posed to the National Socialist movement.^[1] Years later, Litten's name still could not be mentioned in Hitler's presence. Roland Freisler quoted Franz Gürtner as saying, "No one will be able to do anything for Litten. Hitler turned red with rage from just hearing Litten's name, once bellowing at Crown Prince Wilhelm of Prussia, "Anyone who advocates for Litten comes in the concentration camp, even you."^[3]

Excerpts from the trial

Litten: (...) Did you know that in the circles of the SA there is talk of a special rollkommando?
Hitler: I haven't heard anything about a rollkommando. (...)
Litten: You said that there will be no violent acts on the part of the National Socialist Party. Didn't Goebbels create the slogan, "one must pound the adversary to a pulp?"
Hitler: This is to be understood as "one must dispatch and destroy opposing organizations". (...)
(The presiding judge read a question formulated by Litten): Did Hitler, as he named Goebbels Reich Minister of Propaganda, know of the passage from his book, where Goebbels declares that fear of the coup d'état cannot be permitted, that parliament should be blown up and the government hunted to hell and where the call to revolution was made again, letter-spaced?
Hitler: I can no longer testify under oath, if I knew Goebbels' book at the time. The theme (...) is absolutely of no account to the Party, as the booklet doesn't bear the Party emblem and is also not officially sanctioned by the Party. (...)
Litten: Must it not be measured against Goebbels' example, to awaken the notion in the Party, that the legality scheme is not far away, if you neither reprimanded nor shut out a man like Goebbels, rather straightaway made him head of Reich Propaganda?
Hitler: The entire Party stands on legal ground and Goebbels (...) likewise. (...) He is in Berlin and can be called here anytime.
Litten: Has Herr Goebbels prohibited the further dissemination of his work?
Hitler: I don't know.
[In the afternoon, Litten returned to this subject.]
Litten: Is it correct that Goebbels' revolutionary journal, The Commitment to Illegality [Das Bekenntnis zur Illegalität], has now been taken over by the Party and has reached a circulation of 120,000? (...) I have concluded that the journal is sanctioned by the Party. (...)
Presiding judge: Herr Hitler, in point of fact, you testified this morning, that Goebbels' work is not official Party [material].
Hitler: And it isn't, either. A publication is an official Party [organ] when it bears the emblem of the Party.
Hitler (shouting, red-faced): How dare you say, Herr Attorney, that is an invitation to illegality? That is a statement without proof!
Litten: How is it possible that the Party publishing house takes over a journal that stands in stark contrast to the Party line?
Presiding judge: That doesn't have anything to do with this trial.^[1]

1932: Felseneck Trial

The Felseneck Trial was Litten's last major fight against the Nazi Party.^[19] On trial were five Nazis and 19 residents of the Felseneck arbor colony, where many left-wing workers, including Communists and Social Democrats, were living. In January 1932, there was a brawl involving about 150 storm troopers and colony residents. The troopers surrounded the colony and attacked with stones and firearms. Two people were killed, Ernst Schwartz, a member of the Berlin SA and Fritz Klemke, a Communist; several others, including two police officers, were injured. The resulting trial had numerous defendants and hundreds of witnesses.^[19]
Litten's meticulousness began to annoy both the presiding judge and the prosecutors, who began to conspire to get Litten removed from the trial. Although there were no legal grounds,^[19] the court expelled Hans Litten both as counsel and ancillary counsel for the plaintiff because he had "unfurled unrestrained partisan propaganda in the trial" and "made the courtroom a hotbed of political passions". This decision was set aside by the court of appeals, whereupon the presiding judge and an official from the criminal division declared the trial to be biased and the trial was unable to proceed.^[1]
Shortly after that, Litten was again removed from a high court, having been accused of influencing a witness. This time, the action was sustained by the Kammergericht (Supreme Court) and the court commented further during an investigation of the defense, that the main trial was generally inadmissible. This caused an uproar in the community of Berlin lawyers, including those who were not well-disposed toward Litten. A meeting of Berlin attorneys demanded a change to the law in order to prevent such a curtailment of the fundamental rights of defense attorneys.^[20]
Litten was excoriated in the Nazi press as the "Red Death Defender"^[6] and readers were urged to "Put a stop to his dirty work".^[21][22] It was no longer possible for Litten to go out in public without a bodyguard.^[1]

[edit] Legacy

Memorial for Hans Litten in Berlin-Mitte

When East and West Germany were reunited, the lawyers association of Berlin chose to call itself the Hans Litten Bar Association. Every two years, a lawyer is given the "Hans Litten Prize" by the German and European Democratic Lawyers Association. The Israeli lawyer, Leah Tsemel, and Michael Ratner, an American lawyer and the president of the Center for Constitutional Rights, have both received the award.^[12][23] There is a memorial plaque for Litten located on the former "Neue Friedrichstraße", renamed in Litten's honor in 1951. The federal and Berlin bar associations (Bundesrechtsanwaltskammer and Rechtsanwaltskammer Berlin) have their headquarters at the Hans Litten Haus, also on Littenstraße (see photo).
In 2008, the first in-depth biography of Litten in English was written. Author Benjamin Carter Hett, a historian and former lawyer, came across Litten while working on another book. Commenting on the relevance of Litten's life today and the treatment he suffered while imprisoned, Hett said,^{[note 3][2]}

...it is startling to read the words of Werner Best, one of the top officials in Hitler’s secret police, the Gestapo, explaining in 1935 why the Nazi regime would not allow concentration camp prisoners like Hans Litten to have lawyers: “The forms of procedure of the justice system are, under present conditions, absolutely inadequate for the struggle against enemies of the state.” It is also startling to read that some of the tortures inflicted on Litten and his fellow prisoners – mock shootings, “stress positions” – were the same as those used at Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo.^[2]

[edit] The Man Who Crossed Hitler

In 2011 Litten's story was filmed by the BBC. The Man Who Crossed Hitler was written by Mark Hayhurst and directed by Justin Hardy. The role of Hans Litten was played by Ed Stoppard. [1]

[edit] See also

• Rollkommando Hamann for a more extensive explanation of a Rollkommando
• List of Germans who resisted Nazism

[edit] Further reading

• Gerhard Baatz, "Zum 100. Geburtstag von Hans Litten", Neue Juristische Wochenschrift (2003) p. 1784 (German)
• Gerhard Baatz, Hans Litten. BRAK-Mitteilungen (2001) p. 11 (German)
• Heinz Düx, Anwalt gegen Naziterror in Streitbare Juristen, Nomos-Verlag, Baden-Baden (1988) (German)
• Max Fürst, Talisman Scheherezade, Carl Hansen Verlag, München (1976) (German)
• Benjamin Carter Hett, Crossing Hitler: The Man Who Put the Nazis on the Witness Stand
• Justizministerium des Landes NRW (ed.), Zwischen Recht und Unrecht - Lebensläufe deutscher Juristen, Recklinghausen (2004) (German)
• Irmgard Litten, Beyond Tears, Alliance Book Corporation, New York (1940)
• Irmgard Litten, Die Hölle sieht dich an, Ed. Nouvelles Internat., Paris (1940) (German)
• Maren Witthoeft, Hans Litten, Kritische Justiz 1998, p. 405 (German)

[edit] Notes

1. ^ In Germany, the term "National Revolution" is not just a reference to the French Révolution nationale, but rather a term that describes the ideology and forces embraced by the Vichy government, the efforts of European right-wing extremists to transform a civil-parliamentarian society into an anti-democratic, nationalist authoritarian one.
2. ^ After the Machtergreifung, however, Hitler elaborated further, saying "there will be a German State Court and the November 1918 [Revolution] will find atonement and heads will roll".
3. ^ In an interview, Hett said he wanted to find out how a country let the rule of law get corrupted. He noted that before the Nazi era, Germany was a law-abiding country with a relatively low crime rate, but that the country was fraught with economic problems and worried governments and there were bitter political divisions. As the crises became more severe, the government changed several times, growing more authoritarian and stripping away the rights of Germans.

 References

1. ^ ^{a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s} Cord Brügmann, Unvergessener Anwalt (PDF) Deutscher Anwaltverein, Deutscher Anwaltverlag (February 1998) pp. 75-81 (German)
2. ^ ^{a b c d e f g h} Book review of Crossing Hitler and interview with author Benjamin Hett Retrieved June 2, 2010
3. ^ ^{a b c d e f} Irmgard Litten, Eine Mutter kämpft gegen Hitler, Deutscher Anwaltverlag, Bonn (2000) pp. 18, 40, 80-81, 173, 271 (German)
4. ^ ^{a b c} Gerhard Jungfer, "Hans Litten zum 100. Geburtstag" (PDF) BRAK-Mitteilungen (2003) pp. 161-163 (German)
5. ^ Max Fürst, Gefilte Fisch, Eine Jugend in Königsberg Munich (1973) p. 271
6. ^ ^{a b} Carlheinz von Brück, Ein Mann, der Hitler in die Enge trieb, Union-Verlag, Berlin (1975) (German)
7. ^ Max Fürst, Gefilte Fisch, Eine Jugend in Königsberg Munich (1973) p. 250
8. ^ Benjamin Carter Hett, "Hans Litten and the Politics of Criminal Law in the Weimar Republic,” in Markus Dirk Dubber and Lindsay Farmer, eds., Modern Histories of Crime and Punishment, Stanford University Press (2007)
9. ^ Benjamin Carter Hett, Crossing Hitler, p. 65 (and beyond). Oxford University Press (2008) ISBN 978-0-19-536988-5
10. ^ Irmgard Litten, Eine Mutter kämpft gegen Hitler, Deutscher Anwaltverlag, Bonn (2000) (German)
11. ^ ^{a b} Knut Bergbauer, Sabine Fröhlich and Stephanie Schüler-Springorum, Denkmalsfigur. Biographische Annäherung an Hans Litten 1903 - 1938 pp. 229-230, Wallstein-Verlag, Göttingen (2008) ISBN 383530268X (German)
12. ^ ^{a b c} Hans Litten Prize Center for Constitutional Rights, official website. Retrieved June 2, 2010
13. ^ Edith H. Walton, "A Man Who Brought Hitler to Court" Book review of Beyond Tears by Irmgard Litten. From The New York Times (October 6, 1940). Retrieved June 4, 2010
14. ^ ^{a b} Knut Bergbauer, Sabine Fröhlich and Stephanie Schüler-Springorum, Denkmalsfigur. Biographische Annäherung an Hans Litten 1903 - 1938 p. 292, Wallstein-Verlag, Göttingen (2008) ISBN 383530268X Retrieved June 9, 2010 (German)
15. ^ Ludger Grevelhörster, "Kapp-Putsch und Ruhraufstand 1920" Geschichte Westfalens in der Weimarer Republik, Internet Portal – Westphalian History (Internet-Portal "Westfälische Geschichte") Retrieved June 3, 2010 (German)
16. ^ "Rote Hilfe" Retrieved June 3, 2010 (German)
17. ^ ^{a b c d e} Benjamin Carter Hett, Crossing Hitler. The Man Who Put the Nazis on the Witness Stand Oxford University Press, Oxford (2008) ISBN 0195369882
18. ^ ^{a b} John Wheeler-Bennett, The Nemesis of Power, pp. 218-219. (1967) Macmillan, London
19. ^ ^{a b c} Markus Dirk Dubber and Lindsay Farmer, Modern histories of crime and punishment, pp. 183-188. Stanford University Press, Stanford, California (2007) ISBN 978-0-8047-5411-8 Retrieved June 7, 2010
20. ^ Tillmann Krach, Jüdische Rechtsanwälte in Preußen, Munich (1991) p. 83 in Cord Brügmann, "Unvergessener Anwalt", p. 78 (German)
21. ^ Knut Bergbauer, Sabine Fröhlich and Stephanie Schüler-Springorum, Denkmalsfigur. Biographische Annäherung an Hans Litten 1903 - 1938 p. 202, Wallstein-Verlag, Göttingen (2008) ISBN 383530268X (German)
22. ^ Stefan König, Vom Dienst am Recht: Rechtsanwälte als Strafverteidiger im Nationalsozialismus Berlin; New York (1987) p. 19 in Cord Brügmann, "Unvergessener Anwalt", p. 78 (German)
23. ^ Hans-Litten-Preis Description of prize. (German