It Will Become Clear

Dont' analyse things. The simplicity is just stop asking why, it's just about allowing myself to be in the day. Go with it, don't do anything impulsively.
My feelings are frozen today and just let it be okay not to know how I feel.
I've been in a whirlwind. And then I start thinking about all the things that were so nice about the relationship, it's like a food thought. I can't afford to go there.
I'm shocked by how much I don't tell people. This illness is cunning and baffling. Universe please help me.
Universe I pray for my dad and for T, his wife. I pray for G. I pray for M who seems quite content really right now. I pray for this world that is being blistered and punctured by us humans living life in a way that I seem to think is unconsciously. Me included. I pray for the women in India who it seems are so vulnerable and the women in some Arab states too that they may have freedom. In fact I pray for any people oppressed in some ways and ridden with fears. I pray for me to be free of my fears some of them irrational.
Universe please show me how to be for the best of living life on this planet.

I have been struggling with my sense of my HP. I can see as I was talking about it this morning that it's another thing that I was metamorphosing into G. Taking on his attachment as my own. Is this so that he would approve of me? Or is it that my own beliefs can seem so flimsy. Often I think I must be wrong when people are so fervently critical. G was fervently critical of others and I didn't want him to be so critical of me. Yet I didn't like his criticism, his non-acceptance of others. I was prepared to overlook that or so I thought for what else seemed so good. What a remarkable man he is you see. I was charmed by his knowledge of wild flowers and the birds. It was charming to see his interest in such elements of our world and seem to care so much about it. But in return he didn't care for humans at all. I can see how and why, knowing his childhood story. He has been abandoned beyond anything loving. Abandoned by his mother into a social system that left children to the hands of care homes with little more than a roof over his head. Details of his story have left my heart hurting at times ad I think I wanted to show him that there is something different ad yet in the end he has got exactly the same thing. That is surely as a result of both of our negativity's. It was almost inevitable and actually he questioned whether anything could be different. He questioned whether people can change fundamentally. I wonder the same thing although I believe some things do change if I put the effort into the things that work. Such as the Steps. G doesn't continue to work with a sponsor or continue working the steps in any formal fashion. Perhaps he's right in that you don't need to be doing any theoretical work around the steps. I'm sure he told me that he did step 4 and 5 but did not go further than that. I hear his lack of faith or interest in the rooms. He hates meetings and the majority of the people in the rooms. He gets to care for a few people. He did care for me and I regret that he will now hold hatred for me as he does so many other people. I regret that so very much. All I really want is to show him love and friendship. The only way I've known how to do this throughout my life is to be so totally involved. I gave myself totally, money, time, space, history, bodily in an effort to show that there was something else. And yet that total giving resulted in exactly the opposite; anger, abandonment, disapproval, feeling trapped and wings clipped.
I am stunned at how little I talk to anyone about details. So I lent G £240 to get his tyres repaired. I do not have enough money for a washing machine and at times can't afford my bills and yet I lent the money freely. Part of it was because he was not doing anything about his tyres and just staying here day after day, night after night. I thought once the tyres were repaired he would return home some nights. Not at all. He did go and visit Mrs E and the dogs as soon as he could but not home. I was beginning to realise it was easier to stay here than return to his Pit. Or so I wondered. That seed was sown with that thought and then I wasn't sure that he wanted to be here because of me but because he was avoiding.
The whole blame of acceptance of people as they are and yet not being walked over has been highlighted to me. It's okay to work at accepting people as they are but where do I come into that Universe. Can you show me please? There was a lesson to be learnt about this but it's not yet clear to me what I have learnt. I feel guilty somewhat for finally cracking and ending the relationship even though I asked him the question "is this definitely over then?". He said yes and it's good that he will think he made that final decision although it will leave him angry with me. There is some dignity in it as it was all amidst a lot of anger. His pride will not let him contact me I feel certain but what about the money he owes me and my front door key. I would like that all back if at all possible. Universe I have to hand that over to you. Once again please show me what I need to do.

There was a comment made in the film the Life of Pi that I saw in 3D with M yesterday -"life is about letting go". I drove from Brighton to Chichester where M had very kindly looked after LouLou for me whilst I attended the Brighton FA meeting. Gosh was I glad to get there and be at the meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen afterwards as I rather hoped I could meet with my dad. However, he and I didn't make contact until later when he told me that he wouldn't be able to meet as he felt too unwell. I felt sad and relieved as I was fearing his anger at me not be available in the morning. But as the fear subsided and the relief too at being let off the hook for double booking the morning the hurt was there. I am scared. Afraid that he is dying and all the unsaid things and unfinished business. A lot of my excuse for staying away has been the fabrication of a sexually abusive childhood. There were things that happened but I've definitely exaggerated that and that's an awful thing to do. I have not admitted that before. There were indeed strange things that shouldn't have happened. The worst of them being when my mum was away and I was lying on the settee. He tickled my back and wanted to know where I felt twinges. Then he told me to turn over and he tickled my breasts ad got might close to the lower regions. I was horrified that I let him. I was only in early stages of developing breasts so I believe I was about 13. But I've exaggerated other things like the playing in the bath. I do remember fear of him turning me upside down to dry me and patting my fanny. And games of "touched your arse" and exhausting me by fighting with me. He was always aggressive and strict, super strict. How can I tell anyone that I've exaggerated this. I stayed away in the name of this but actually what was really happening was bad enough. His manner with me, he did used to spy on me, he did read letters and diaries and mock or taut me with them.
Anyone reading this will probably be horrified to know that I've exaggerated the excess of sexual abuse. I felt I had to to justify my hatred and fear of him. Yet what was really going on was horrible enough. He did always toy with other women. He was always rude to and about my mum. There was always arguments between them with him trying to control her. There was always a battle with me with him trying to control me. I was never good enough and he did disparage me continually directly to me or indirectly but in front me when other people where there. I never could live up to his expectations, he was always disappointed in me. And I started to fulfil that prophecy. I have never felt good enough or capable. Too at, too ugly, too thick, too clumsy, too everything negative.
The one thing he did for me directly was support my interest in horses and horse riding. I will always be grateful for that. We did at times have closeness. It was usually when I was agreeing with his bigoted views. He hated anyone and everyone but hated people even more if they were of a different creed or orientation or age or wealth/class or ethnic origin or anything really that was different from him. He admired money and education but would grow to hate those people too. No one ever could maintain his expectation and would eventually fall foul of his hatred.
He never liked anyway we lived or anything we did. He was always moaning about my mum. Yet he did support her career and her travelling.
He worked hard and provided. He was devastated by his business mistake. His perfectionism was challenged and his error evident to all. It left hi with a lot of debt. It was an error of judgement that's all but it crippled his pride.
It was a tumultuous childhood and I am a very sensitive person. Probably over sensitive. I didn't think things were bad enough to justify being such a fucked up person. And when I hear some people's stories like G's I had it really easy by comparison. I truly did. Yet still an addict and still blaming and excusing my bad behaviours because of my childhood. Phew I have a lot to answer for. I would like to make amends with my dad but first I have to get honest with my sponsor about the exaggeration. And then I have to not minimise the sexual abuse that was there. It was inappropriate. All the innuendo's they were endless ad embarrassing. He was always inappropriate with my childhood and later teen friends. And even later my grown up friends. It would revolt me. He was inappropriate with women in general. His rule to me was not to drop my knickers and yet he was inappropriately fiddling with me and sexually suggestive all the time. He used to spy through the door cracks on me. I was terrified of going to bed. These things were real. I mist not undermine them.
Phew. What could I say to my dad Universe? What do I need to do here.
I need to make my call to the AWOL now.

Okay made the call and enjoyed the AWOL. I shared almost at the beginning which was surprising for me. And I shared truthfully. It was about Blind Spots - the defects that we cannot yet see. I believe that life will bring awareness of the blind spots and all I have to do is show up for life and be honest. I have become so shocked at the amount of things and thoughts and feelings that go on and I don't talk to anyone about them. I believe that some of this will be a life of being an only child. I had lots of thoughts and conversations with myself. There was no one to share all this with and so I didn't it. It was absolutely the norm for me.  I want to learn to be totally open. That is going to take practice. I don't talk about things but not intentionally.

Anyway yet again I need to learn to let go. I feel immense sadness at the loss of the remarkable man G is. I am relieved not to have to deal with the things that were not pleasant to be around. It's not a criticism of him but things that i simply could not deal with. The other woman, the silences and moodiness, the sulks, the lack of trust in me. The anger levels and resentments that he didn't want to let go of. The grudges that I am no doubt one of now. The anger at the fellowship and judgements of people. Hatred for certain races. There were a number of things. Oh laziness of work and taking responsibility. These things were intolerable for me in the end. He knew that would happen. A self fulfilling prophecy was borne. I wanted to try and do things differently and with some things he didn't - resulting in the inevitable end as he predicted. His anger towards me saying that he didn't believe me about me and men was totally unfounded. After attending a meeting in Winchester he had decided that I was not trustworthy. I had talked to his friend, I had talked with a guy he had introduced me who had relapsed. He gave me silent treatment when we got home. I went to bed and then there were sulks int he morning. That was the final straw for me and after all the week of more and more contact with Mrs E etc I just did not want anymore of it. I asked him to leave he got angry and that was that. He left without giving me my key, without giving me £10 he had borrowed the evening before for tobacco and without shutting the door. That hurts! And without returning the £240 for the tyres that were slashed when he was first staying. I had written that off anyway but it leaves me very short and I cannot afford a washing machine. Silly me. (I think I've already written this)
Lots to learn. And that's the truth of it. Another experience that has shown me many things. I regret that I have lost what was pleasant connection before.

Insight will come out of these whirlwinds. God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. I believe both these statements to be true. In conversation with H, Melbourne Australia this was highlighted. My sponsor had already said that everything will become clear. And I read a weekend magazine earlier that also had a page saying that Everything will become clear. It will. I know.

Not to mention all the comments on the AWOL about how things will present themselves all in good time.
So I visited S and C whose house I will be sitting whilst they are away. I met R who is their foster child. She is 21 and soon to be moving on. She seems established an easily manageable. There is also P staying with them. He is in AA too but staying there without too many people knowing. I recall him now. G would have hated that idea. He wasn't keen on staying there. He agreed to but I feel sure that just as he did with Christmas and Boxing Day, agreed then found ways to do what he wanted anyway. Another thing about him, his unfriendliness towards people. How could I ever include him with my friends. I am a sociable person. It reminded me of my mum and dad. he was always moaning and created hell whenever my mum wanted to socialise. Oh it was so right to be out of that.

Life of Pi





While travelling on a boat from India to Canada, Pi (Sharma), his family and all the animals from their zoo are thrown to the sea in a terrible storm. Only Pi survives, drifting for weeks in a lifeboat with the dubious company of a vicious tiger as both fight for survival.
I would give it 3 out of 5. It was twee yet beautiful too. I loved the possibility of it all being a fabrication or analogy for humans trying to survive. The idea of a monster bringing out the monster in someone else interested me. Do I bring out the monster in people which brings out the monster in the other person and so on. I want to step away from my monster.

Cast Irrfan Khan Tabu Suraj Sharma Adil Hussain.

Directors Ang Lee.

Screenwriters David Magee.  Cutter's Way A film from 1981 Interestingly the film nearly got discarded. However some good reviews saved it's day. I gave it 3.75 - it's slightly dated. Cast Jeff Bridges John Heard Lisa Eichorn Ann Dusenberry Directors Ivan Passer Screenwriters Jeffrey Alan Fiskin Bliss XX

Crazy head

Oh my gosh! This is so vry difficult being in a relationsship with G. I'm glad that I went to the B's alone today. It would have been a worry for me if G had been there. I could just relax into being with them and at ease. I wasn't feeling 100% still. This flipping virus or whatever it is! I didn't go for a walk and instead fell asleep in front of the fire. It was lovely. I stoked it up and it flamed away warming me to the bones.
Then we had a game of Scrabble and I sent a message to G. Nothing. He has gone visiting with Mrs E again. I just can't handle this. What is it I can't handle though? He ssays he does not want Mrs E at all and yet he eants to be there. He prefers to be there actually. He says it's the dogs and the place itself. But then there is the contradiction that she is his friend. Unless she is drinking and then she is a nuisance. When he's there he cannot recive calls or texts from me. When he is here she texts he responds often. What is this thing? He is afraid he says of upsetting her because there is the chance she will withdraw the facility to visit the dogs and the place. Really he needs to make a choice. Or does he? If I was just accepting and less insecure and not jealous then wouldn't it all be okay? I defy anyuone to be perfectly at ease with this situation. And after all he gets suspicious of my interaction with men or so he says. I think I will simply have the contact freely and not try to be discreet in fear of upsetting him. I have nothing to hide.
I became very agitated when arranging to leave the B's so that I could be hiome as prescribed - around 6 ish. But there was no response and no facility to call G as his phone went straight to answer machine. Then I started wondering if he migt go to the Wed Haslemere meeting which had been a possibility for me. I thought he might be going with Mrs E. Well my imagination fired up in that way I was geting madder by the minute. I hate this feeling of neediness and suspicion. I want it to go away please Universe. What do I do? Do I end this to save myself from going crazy? I am happier on my own I think. Or am I?
The thing is I don't like all of G. He's very shy of work and therefore has little or no money. He is unenthused for anything very much other than walking or visiting the Castle of Mrs E as they call it.
He is creative in so many ways and yet uses none of the amazing qualities he has fully. He uses them I guess just as much as he feels he wants to. But it's really not going places for me. I am feeling bored. Not with him but with myself. I am not doing the things I enjoy doing in favour of spending time with him.
I'm going around in circles.
So what do I do? I need to speak to more people about it. I certainly need some time for myself. This means having that conversation with him. It's flippping frigtening having to be frank about these things.
I need to do more talking and will do with my sponsor in the morning.
It would be sensible to not be spending so much time with him. Then I will also find out if this has just been better than the Pit. Tha's his name for his flat which he describes as disgusting.
I really do want for him to be content with life and to have happy days. But that is only so much easier when I'm not attached in any way.
So I'm so full of confusion there is nothing really more to write.
I'm watching The Importance of Being Earnest. A comedy by Oscar Wilde which of course anyone even half well read would already know. I am very uneducated. A good Victorian play of mistaken identity that also eludes to hidden identities such as in Twelfth Night. I suppose nothing is ever entirely a novel idea. Anyhow this is quite amusing and good to watch a film made. I wish I was a more avid reader. I'm laxy about reading.

Cast Rupert Everett Colin Firth Reese Witherspoon Judi Dench Frances O'Connor

Directors Oliver Parker

Empire gave it 3 stars. I would tend to agree. It's not great but watchable and entertaining.

Yesterday evening I watched an enchanting film called Stardust. It was amusing but not a great.

Cast Robert De Niro Michelle Pfeiffer Claire Danes Charlie Cox Sienna Miller Mark Strong

Directors Matthew Vaughn

 

Although I'm not ordinary, I am a citizen

I've had most of today all alone. And apart from a few brief moments of almost feeling pity for myself, I have overall been quite okay. I felt self pity when I sat and thought about other people sitting on their own. I have always felt a sort of pity for elderly people getting to a point where there is no one else. Ad now here I am I guess. It is not for the want of invites or the potential of others I could be with. It was a choice. G was off dog-sitting and that was not what I had wanted. I want to be special to him and a priority and there was some self-pity arising within that for a brief moment.
But I was actually glad of the time to be alone. I was almost disappointed when he said he was going to come back with the dogs. I hope that wasn't out of pity because he said I looked quite sad.
I am sad. I'm sad that C is dying and yet there is a lot of detachment with any real emotion. It is a distant echo of sadness. I feel as if a little of my mum dies with him ad she's been dead since 2001. It is such a devastating illness Alzheimer's. I keep thinking of how G and K must be watching their father and also be scared for themselves. After all Alzheimer's is apparently genetic. But then I think of the Cancer my mum died of and how most people in her family die of Cancer and then how my dad has had heart problems and apparently that is largely genetic. No one can escape death and we see in our parents a likely future death for ourselves. It is frightening. I would hate to be in m,y dad's situation. In and out of hospital gradually deteriorating away.
My dad called me a few days ago. He sounded so frail, his voice weak. He also sounded very confused. He repeated himself and when I called him the next day he repeated information he'd given me the day before. He repeated the situation T is in, his wife. He had already told me that she was taken into hospital pretty much as he was taken home. He is not being clear about the reasons he has been in hospital. I am suspicious that this is serious. I think I hear fear in his voice. Or maybe acceptance. He told me he loves me and that was strange. He also wished me well in my future. That seemed odd too. I asked him what was going on. He said nothing. He was a little more open the following day when I asked him a little more about T. He explained that she has Ecoli and it keeps getting stronger with each effort to dose her up with antibiotics. He said as well that he knew it would kill her as the drugs affect her kidneys each time. I think this may have been more towards the truth that earlier in the year when I think he said her heart had been affected ad it was a toss up between saving her heart or her kidneys. From N I know that T is back on dialysis.
I called him yesterday and suggested that I might come and visit him for half a hour. He said no. He was actually waiting for T to come from hospital and had thought this was the call to say she was on her way. I wonder if she was let out for the Christmas period? There is a horrible part of me that in greed I hope she dies first. It will be less problematic will wise if she does or so I think. I just have to trust that the order of things is just how it is and whatever happens it will all be okay. I don't like that I think that greedy way. I don't think it is completely unusual but that doesn't make it okay.
I pray for my dad and T. I hope and pray that they get some relief in an alive kind of a way from their ailments and have time of happiness.
Now in connection with G there have been some tumultuous days for me. Heightened insecurity ad jealousy. Having been unwell with this virus since last Monday I feel incredibly boring. I haven't been able to do very much and even then I am not sure G would want to be doing the things I like doing. He likes history, he likes the countryside, he likes bird spotting, he likes being with the dogs and in Elstead. I cannot be any interest in any of those things. I feel very boring and useless to him. Surplus except for the occasional sexual interest. I feel worthless.
Not only that, but I think my neediness is heightened with the fact that my dad is a worry. I wonder if he is fast approaching his last days and hasn't been able to tell me. Hasn't wanted to perhaps. It will be difficult to face such a thing. I feel dreadful that he had forgotten to tell me about Uncle B. He genuinely sounded so upset that he hadn't told me. I expect he is realising he is getting confused. I never thought this day would happen. he has always been such a powerful man. A scary man!
And so I guess to some degree I've wanted G to make me feel better. And yet he's been dealing with his own issues. He is moody. That's the way he is. I can accept it or not. There have been times over the past few days when I've thought NOT NOT NOT. He doesn't want to be touched sometimes. He feels trapped sometimes. He has regular contact with Mrs E. All of these things I've been thinking NOT NOT NOT. He is a ba humbug about Christmas. I'm  not a big fan but I can get into it somewhat with a person if they like it. I don't want to be around big families and things. It's all too exhausting. I bought him a pile of pressies and he bought me nothing. That is no matter really and truly but it would have been nice if he had at least some upbeat feeling. He admitted today that there is some degree of self pity, that everyone is off having a good time and he's not.
There was a line in The Dark Knight rises about the level of anger of a young boy who is left orphaned. Well G was left orphaned but was orphaned off. He has a fury about this. He doesn't want to let go of the resentment and anger. I on the other hand want to keep moving more towards love and forgiveness, move away from resentment. He wants to be angry and shows his anger and outrage. I want to be able to have my say but not in an angry aggressive way.
I don't like this and it's been another NOT NOT NOT for me.
I was honest and said that I want to go to the B's alone. It's a fear though because I then think he'll go running off to the doggies and Mrs E. I have fear that he'll want that more than me. And wanting to be in control of course I think I have to make the move away in the first place. However, if he goes running off to Mrs E sobeit. It's horrid that he misses his old life. I want him to be happier with me. But he's not happier anywhere. He gets some happiness being there in the countryside with the dogs. No humans. It's possible that he may decide to leave me. I wonder if we can be happy together.
I love him as a person though and I like him too. I think there is something in being able to have a say but I don't want to say it with the venom that it seems to me that G wants to have his say. He has an honesty that I admire. I like how he teaches me to be honest and be responsible.
Earlier today I was thinking of ending the relationship. With a little talking it through with a friend I have seen other things. I have seen my ego and how it is focused on me me me. How I want G not to want so much contact with Mrs E because I am jealous and insecure. How angry I am with her for making so much contact and how angry I am with G for responding all the time. I am angry with him that he won't be honest with her in case he loses what little he has there. It is infuriating and doesn't seem to give us a chance to florish. But it's not that alone that stops us from flourishing. No. He has things going on - he faces tribunal that will have a massive impact on his life, he is not working when he can so he has no money, he is facing treatment on his heart, an operation. He has not lived with a woman for a very long time, I haven't lived with a man for quite some time myself.
He has issues with my contact with people and think there's so much contact with "hunks" as he calls them. The odd thing is the only man I am interested is him. He has low self esteem.
I had two lovely walks today. One was the climb behind the church. When I got to the top of the hill the sun burst through. It reflected on all the water that has descended in this area. Whilst it's a lot it's nowhere near the flood levels I know others are experiencing. It's really frightening how the weather is more and more extreme. When G got here we drove towards West M. The road was flooded. We weren't sure how much worse of how long so decided to run back. We walked through Hen Wood. Magalugs ran off chasing sheep. G got really mad. He described himself as losing it. He ripped his coat. He shouted at her. Loudly. He kicked a tree. He was furious with her. His anger can look ugly and nasty. I wouldn't like to connect physically with his anger. He did say at one point "she'll get shot". I know his anger is secondary to his fears, his upset and sadness underlie his fury about his past. I pray Universe for G. I don't know what would be best for him. I simply pray for him.
I want to learn acceptance of people with love in my heart. I don't know how compromise comes into that so that there is the possibility of being together, each of us just how we are. Some people I suppose there is too much to have to agree to disagree on. But with some people perhaps there is compatibility.
I love G the person. He has so many qualities. He is quite a wonder to me. His interests, his knowledge, his wonder at the world.
Overall I like him even though there are aspects I don't like so much.
I don't know what will happen. I hope that we can find a way through things and I hope that it just gets better and better. It may. We need to be able to communicate ad I'm not so good at that without being accusational and wanting the other person to change.
There is so much injustice and it seems to me that an automatic response is anger. Anger to cover lack of control which means fear. That means little faith.
I have faith. I believe and therefore I do not need to fear. My resolve has been weakened. I have not focused on my faith. I have been focusing on meditation. I need to culture my belief and I don't know how to bring the two things together. I wonder if Tenzin Palmo (Jetsunma as she is now known) could help bring these things together for me?
So tomorrow I go the B's alone. G will do whatever he needs to do to loom after himself. I am sure I would feel very hurt if the same thing happened to me. I need to say to him that I need some time alone. I think it's necessary and I may regret that too. I am afraid that if I say that he'll take it to mean there's nothing. I would find it really hard to take on the chin. I am afraid too that if he's not with me he'll be with Mrs E. That's all my insecurity on the surface. Aaaargh. It's flipping painful and difficult having all these very exposed nerve endings.

So The Dark Knight Rises. I think it was actually a very good film. With Christian Bale the films are dark. He plays them with a very negative turn all the time. He is a hero but with a darkness to him.
I would give it a good 4 even a 4.5. It's Hollywood of course and with favourable outcomes. They are an epic series now because they are money spinners. I doubt whether it's ended yet. They'll keep churning them out until there isn't an audience anymore.

Cast Tom Hardy Anne Hathaway Christian Bale Joseph Gordon-Levitt Marion Cotillard Josh Pence Tom Conti Matthew Modine Gary Oldman Michael Caine Morgan Freeman

Directors Christopher Nolan

Screenwriters Jonathan Nolan Christopher Nolan

If you haven't seen it I would say it's worth a look.

I noticed that Miranda Tate is played by Marion Cotillard who also plays Stephanie in Rust and Bone. Now that film for me was a 5 star. It was an emotional roller coaster. I loved the sub-plots that could easily have been too distracting in an English film. Somehow the story was unusual enough to grip my interest as well.

Nev Pierce wrote the Empire review - I liked this paragraph "Bane is not fuelled simply by whatever pumps through his mask, either, as Alfred (Michael Caine) observes: “I see the power of belief.” The Wayne family butler has acted as his master’s conscience throughout the films and he’s at it again here, challenging the bruised billionaire about what he could achieve if he sought social justice instead of rough. Indeed, there’s a sense that Wayne has regressed back to the boy of Begins, his journey out of the grief of his orphaning reset by the death of his childhood love."

"As Gotham prospers in the wake of the criminal crackdown brought about by the death of District Attorney Harvey Dent — and his mythologising by Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) — Wayne feels he can stay hidden in his mansion, a truculent Beast resisting being transformed by Marion Cotillard’s Beauty. Where his parents were active, engaged philanthropists, giving life to the city, Wayne nurses only his own grief. He walks with a stick as symbolic of his psychological frailty as his physical degeneration. Here, the film could be said to be going over old ground, but Wayne’s mental fissure has been mined in the comics for 73 years and it’s testament to Christian Bale’s stalwart, admirably unshowy but soulful performance that we once again feel for a man born to privilege but eternally trapped in a personal prison.

This is aided by a valedictory feel to the first act, with everything freighted with the knowledge of its finality and a sense that this will not end well. Caine is all heart in a beautiful recollection about his hopes for his surrogate son, while Joseph Gordon-Levitt — who looks supremely dashing despite a somewhat glamour-free role as a rozzer — also has a sorrow-fuelled speech, but with a more positive sense of belief to counter Bane’s destructive faith.

Then, when Batman finally returns, you relish the gleeful comment of a copper to a younger colleague: “Boy, you are in for a show tonight, son.” That you are, even if the film doesn’t, until the very end, match the emotional tenor of its blistering beginning. That 45 minutes or so can be called the ‘beginning’ gives a clue that Batman not only rises but lengthens. This is a long film that feels weighed down somewhat in its middle section, struggling to carry the weight of exposition. The desire for scale and belief-beggaring action also means that, curiously, what would be other movies’ budget-blitzing conclusions are reduced, in a way, to the level of mild incident. There is more plot here than there is story and as impressive as certain scenes are — the sporting spectacle seen in the trailer, for example — they can feel a little like a very expensive treadmill when you’re waiting for the emotions to really run.

As ever, Nolan’s Batman is at its best in the more intimate moments — whether it’s a man finally realising a hero’s identity, or the scene- (and jewellery-) stealing introduction of a new character. As slinky burglar Selina Kyle, Anne Hathaway is superb: physically dangerous, emotionally intriguing and sexy without milking it. (It’s a very different take from the Catwoman portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer, but no less enjoyable.) As ambiguous as Kyle is, her journey shares with Wayne’s a sense of struggling for a fresh start, for a clean slate, ultimately for redemption.

Many of the best characters in the Batman universe offer a mirror to the man himself, whether walking that razor-wire between justice and revenge, or being trapped by the traumas of the past.

Dedicated fans of the comic books are unlikely to feel surprised by many story twists here, but that’s no surprise in itself given the DC icon’s extensive history."

Bliss
XX






 

A Little Bit of Everything

That's what I want - but sometines it's a little bit of this everything and sometimes a little bit of that everything.
And I realise that it's okay to have interestes in many different areas and desires for many different things.
My mum used to say I was the girl with the curl in the middle of her for'head. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was 'orrid.
I am a person of extremes. Sometimes anyway. And at other times I am a person of mediocre and inbetweeny.
I am everything.
And this has become apparent within this relationship. Sometimes I love that the world becomes very small and even cosy. It's just him and I. But then the other day I had a sense of the bigger wider world and became afraid that I was becoming trapped in the smaller world. G, I think would prefer a smaller world most of the time. His small world though consists of the larger nature. Out in the open, walking and wild flowers and birds. This isn't small but it's a limit for me. Because there is art and London and knowledge and things outside of this. I want more and more knowledge and cherish how different people bring knowledge and interests to me. There isn't enough world and life left to gather all the knowledge,e ven if in snippets. Because with my desire for everything it's impossible to have more than snippets.
Do you know what I mean?
Does anyone else get this sense of something bigger. Is it dissatisfaction? I think not.
I can become restless and discontented when I can't reach out at all. I can sit here in four walls getting irritable that I can't have the enormity of all the world. But if I could I suspect I would want the Universe.
So with Mr Fug, my nickname for G. There have been days and day when I want nothing more than us. Today a shutter went down. It's been building up prhaps. There are things that just don't feel good for me. It's not a matter that they are not good but they don't feel good for me. One is the constan contact from Mrs E. A friendship is one thing but regular contact and a gentle let down is a complete other. He isn't truthful with her. It is as he says a non-commitment to me holding onto something that is important to him. He is afraid of losing it. He links it with his childhood or so he says. I believe him then I don't. What a manipulative tool with a woman to link things with children or childhood. Suddenly I am questioning things.
Yesterday I did something awfully manipulative. I told Mrs E's sponsor that she is still drinking. it was spiteful. I am sick of the woma being manipulative and controlling and hanging on. She will be able to come between us. And so I did this spiteful thing. I regretted it as I was saying it. I even pretneded that I was sorry and that I assumed she already knew. I knew she didn't know. All I've done is betray G's trust. I feel dreaful about it.
Then I think about G. He is a wonderful man in many ways. However he is also very sensitive indeed. He can be so moody. He is changeable and touchy. He is very ANGRY and doesn't want to do a thing about that. He likes the sex we have. And suddenly that was it this morning. I was talking sex and we had sex and I felt the shutter come down.
I'm not at all certain what the shutter is or what triggers it's drop. But I am afraid that when it does drop it complete. I think I probably need to speak with him about it but I don't have the words to really express what it's all about. I probably need o talk more about it with other people. Talking with M earlier there were elements that rang true with ways that I think and feel but it didn't quite hit the nail on the head about the shutter. Nothing yet anyway. I am sure it will become clear. I have felt it before. I can remember where I was and what I was doing the day the shutter dropped shut with SH.
I was lying upstairs on the bed during the afternoon. I had wanted to have time apart from him. Just as I did from G today. Because I could feel the shutter had dropped. I don't know then what finally triggered it.
yet whilst G is away from me today I am suddenly panicing that perhaps he is also closing the doors and wanting out. It may be a mutual thing you see and we both sense it. It's time to get out now but neither of us sure. I am certain that these things worlk together and people are jusy not aware enough - this is what perhaps people call telepathy. I know we have this. I cannot read exact thoughts, desires and so on. But I do believe I read signals. Of course I load them up with my own perceptions and exeriences of the past, my own insecurities and fears and get the messages very jumbled up as a result. However there are signals and messages there to be picked up. I just need to stay quiet and observe to really see if I can establish what it is I am picking up. No gut reactions, just gentle observation. The turth is always revealed and invariably I have picked up something accurately. Look at JH. I knew there were things going on and added to my sense of things my own interpretations which could have exaggerated things way out of proportion. However I was picking up something accute.
So there is the messaging and maybe picking up his messages of irritability and discontent and that has resulted in my shutter slamming down shut. Can it reopen? I am not sure. I am longing for him to be in contact so as not to have lost the control yet I am quite happy on my own and in my freedom.
I am also keen to get to India. Wow! You might think this is something out of the blue. Well G introduced me to the writings of a woman called Tenzin Palmo. I am reading Cave in the Snow and learning so much ad yet also not learning. I am gaining more a sense of knowing. Does that make any sense? Things are put ito words that I know or experience and it feels very arrogant to say so. It feels wrong to say so and yet I DO KNOW.
It's the same with JB talking about the power of the churches he had seen in documentaries recently. I KNOW this already and have always known it.
Something seems so wrong about living here and I've said that for so long now. And I think this nunnery in Inidia is something I need to visit. T is interested but I am not sure how real she is about that. I wonder if G would make the trip with me. I feel that he and I are more friends than anything else.
My mind is flitting all over the place. Now this could be after days of being cooped up due to this virus. Or maybe it's a little bit of hyper energy seeping out. Which could also be as a result of being cooped up. Or it could be the big wide wilderness feeling after the small cosiness feeling.
I will go to a meeting this evening. I have madde a decision without it being dependent on G. I wonder if he feels a sense of change in that and doesn't like it therefore might pull back to protect.
My suspicious mind has decided that he took some things so that he could stay overnight at Mrs E's. I think he actually might like some time out himself. I think we would be better off if he didn;t stay here all the time. Perhaps the heart would grow fonder. I am anxious that actually the heart would be relieved for the distance. And then not want the relationshiop. I would want to make the decision but never can. So that could be the way of things. Me knowing that it needs to move on but never making that decision. That's how it was with SH and JH and JB except I did end that. I ended R and C too. But mainly because they weren't wanting to do the whole proper relationship thing anyway.
Ph phew it's so difficult. I am so codependent. I don't want to hurt anyone and also I'm not sure that I don't wnat what we have. I was certain though when it ended with SH even though it hurt. I was relieved with JH even though it hurt. What with G? I just don't think he would be friendly with me. Could there be a friendly ending? Or is this just me protecting myself?
Who knows. Lots of questions and no answers. Just time to work things through one day at a time, see how it goes. And if he finishes it first - well so be it. Pride will be a killer.
I can meditate. I will sit in quiet meditation for 10 mins before getting ready to go to the meeting.

I love G. He is a very lovely man. He has a horrible childhood story.
I am a bit of a muddle of a person.

Then there's my dad. He called yesterday and said he loves me. Completely without prompting. This doesn't bode well. And he said he wished me well for the future. I have dreadful fears that he is approaching an end of his life. T is hospital and he says it's not good but they keep getting her back together. In my horrid thoughts I want for her to die but his just ugly greed.
I want to see him but he doesn't want to see me. He says he is too thin.
I am afraid. At the same time numb. I don't know what to do with the enormity of the feeling.
Today he called again and this time repested the situation with T forgetting that he had told me. He asked for the family friends S's number, saying he thought he'd seen K on the TV. I wonder what he is going to say to them after all this time and having cut contact with them when my mum died. What is this all about?
He sounds feeble and confused. It is very scary. It seems unreal. I will be devastated I am sure. But it feels all too much to deal with.
I will go to the meeting and share all of this. Greed! Spite! Pride! All defects of character that are appearing to me ironically as I am working on Step 4.
No Step 4 tomorrow to sare about it though. Blast it!

Bliss
XX

Silences between a lot of words

It's been a while. So much has happened. A lot of self awareness, or should I say opportunities to observe myself and learn and grow.
I really would have been better off writing things as they have occurred. There are events that have been enlightening.
I will be writing as events come to mind so not chronologically really.
A funny event involved a horrible situation with G. He became upset by something I had said. After quite a lot of silences between a lot of words he decided he was leaving. He gathered his things gradually and loaded his car. On a couple of occasions I asked him to stay and suggested that we could do this a different way. I was not going to beg. Finally his car was loaded and I followed him downstairs to lock the door behind him. Oh and he had given me my key back. He stood on the doorstep and once again I suggested he stay and we sort this out. He said he couldn't because he was too full of pride and besides he had his spears ready. This was funny because he was standing there with two lengths of copper piping, which he had purchased to put in a shower unit for me. I was determined not to laugh. It was funny though. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the full humour of it. So he turned and got into his car. On returning to my room I noticed a number of things he hadn't taken with him. I quickly sent a text to say it was still here. Nothing. He drove off. That was that. I was both angry and sad. I settled to watch a film and eventually took myself to bed. I was reasoning with myself that if this was the way it was going to be then thank goodness I had learnt this now. And prepared myself to get over him. The next morning I received a text from him with an apology and asking if he could call. I was relieved and also frosty. I felt uncertain because to be honest I wasn't sure that I want to be in such a fragile relationship where I had to watch everything I said. At the same time I was thinking well this is the way the man is and I either learn to accept all parts of him if I ant to be with the man I seem to like or I just say no. Being such a romantic he suggested going for a walk and then an AA meeting at Littlehampton. How funny that was. G is very humorous and out of the box.
We went for a lovely walk. Apparently I gave him a bit of an earache about the situation, however I wanted to understand what had happened. I did say that if he walked out too often then I wasn't sure I'd be able to deal with it at all. We agreed to resume the relationship and see what happens.
Since that trial separation we have had a couple of other difficult moments. Both of which G did not leave for. The next one involved me being insensitive. I had earlier in the day met up with G and his friend Erst (N). I was nervous about meeting Erst. By the way he is so-called because he uses the word erstwhile when describing his estranged partner. Another funny G-ism. He has quirky little names for most people.
As a result of being so nervous I was ultra chatty. A lot of words again and no gaps for silences. It was probably babble but as it was endless I have no idea what I said. I was nervous to make an impression. I know Erst vaguely from the rooms but this is a friend of G's, although he'd say differently. I wanted to make an impression on Erst because for some reason I think it would be an influence on G's thoughts about me. Gosh I have convoluted ideas. I have always wanted to make an impression on boyfriends friends. Even wanting the friends to fancy me. What is this all about?
I do not want Erst to fancy me and never have wanted them to fancy me for any kind of affair  but so that they would want someone like me and also think how lucky G, for example, is. It's all mental exhaustion. I recognised it though but just couldn't stop the babbling. Mongolian Mouth Mumble as M would say.
So all was well. Except I felt uncomfortable about my Mongolian Mouth Mumble. Also I think there was a bit of an atmosphere. I had been to FA in the morning and initially I was travelling back straight from the gallery to meet with G and go on to H's birthday event down in Godstone. I received a text to say it was cancelled and hence it came about to met with with G and Erst who were having cuppas at the Devils' Punchbowl.
I can't remember if G was a bit moody. His moods do seem to fluctuate more than mine I believe. Perhaps he'd already been pissed off with something. I sensed a something in his tone and lack of conversation this evening on the phone. It's not worth asking if he's okay because the answer is YES! Yet clearly not all is okay.
I'll go on to talk about where he is and the impact I think that is having on me and us.
Anyway this Saturday evening I'm referring to, G started talking about how people have a lot of words and are not really saying anything and what is it all about anyway. I am making this up really because before he could utter very much I was jumping into heated to discussion, talking about the value of communication etc etc etc. I was proving that words are perfectly necessary and relevant. I was defending my behaviour from earlier when he possibly was not referring to that and instead talking about something related to his Buddhist meditation practice. I still think there was some connection with earlier but he says not and I want to believe in him. He seems very open and honest. Although he does tell porky's to Mrs Elstead. He tells lies because he doesn't want to hurt her. It is so infuriating. But at least he has told her about me. I just realise that if he codependently lies to her he is more than capable of doing the same to me. However he tells me he would be truthful. When he is angry after being there I do often wonder if it's because something has happened that he can't be honest about for fear of hurting me.
It's either my intuition or I'm highly sensitive to the situation. You see he has been in a relationship with Mrs E. She is married so he is not adverse to the infidelity. I'm not judging for goodness sake as I have had a number of relationships that were unfaithful on one or both parts. And this was another argument when he felt judged and yes I was judging but because I wanted him to see that it was not okay to have a relationship with a married woman. This was so that he wouldn't get involved with Mrs E again. Very manipulative really and critical too without really seeing in advance what I was doing. Despite the difficulty of another argument I was glad to see my behaviour. I have done it again since. And of course I see the fear driving my attitude and behaviour. The attitude was to show him the error of his ways so as to control him. And my fear was that it would be over and worse still for another woman. I am so fragile with feeling okay about myself that whenever it has happened that a man has left for another woman I have more evidence to show that I am a horrid, ugly woman. Desire me otherwise I'm a lump of shit! An indication about just how far down my esteem actually is.
Going back to the first went, I don't actually think I had done anything wrong at all. And being early on in our relationship it was much easier then to lock the door and think move on than it is now. Time has passed and my feelings are developing into something stronger. Dar I say the word love. I have told G that I love the person he is. And I have said often I love you. Am I in love with him? I don't really know what this means. But there are times when I can't get close enough physically and I want to eat him. He has said similar things which is always nice to have things reciprocated.
Anyway back to the mouth mumble incident ... I can't remember precisely what happened. However I think this was the occasion when he stomped to the bedroom. We had been watching Immortal Beloved. Oh I enjoyed the film for the music and learning about Beethoven. Consider it worth a watch.
Directed by Bernard Rose and a cast of Gary Oldman, Isabella Rosellini and Johanna ter Steege.



G made a joke just recently that he didn't want to watch this film as it had caused an argument between us.
Anyway the Mongolian Mouth Mumble situation resulted in me eventually being able to apologise. Good for everyone really. And so what if a client is angry with me. We have panic buttons.

I'm too tired to write on. I think I need to go to bed.
Nighty Night
Bliss
XX

 

Beatings

So he said that his insecurity was triggered wondering if I took pleasure from the brutal experience with GW. I was horrified as disgust struck through me. As time clicked on through these moments I was and remain grateful for this comment as it opened up the door to a bundle of emotions I have been detached from. It was a revolting experience. He stuck things in me, he beat with my own riding crop, he slapped me in places that were very painful. He was completely unavailable in between visits.
Bliss
X

Portcullis up, drawbridge down.

People who judge harshly towards me will not be close, long term friends.
However where is the balance of receiving people's opinions when they are questioning my beliefs ad values. To maintain an open mind would be helpful.

It's normal for insecurities to be heightened when in a new relationship. It happens to everyone. With a addict using and insecurities would be lethal. Thank goodness I have my food recovery in place. It is such a  help to not have the body image insecurities.

It's so helpful speaking with some people. I have realised that already I am not being entirely honest with my new sponsor. She is not aware that G is staying every night. There is no plan either for him to leave despite us talking a while ago about having some time apart. I think I'd like it planned rather than him suddenly saying well I'm going to have a night away. When we spoke about that last evening he said that if I suddenly wanted a night alone he would wonder what I'm actually planning. Here is a good example of the insecurity and lack of trust.
Therefore I do think it would be good to plan something into our "not living together" scenario. Pah! He's been here over 2 weeks now and apart from me working and a couple of visits with friends, we've been together. And this last week and 2 days I've been on annual leave as well so even more time together. it's remarkable in some ways that we've spent all this together and had only a few periods of time in shut down.
We had a moment on Sunday. I made judgemental comments about people having affairs. My motives behind my udgements were fear based of course. My fear that if G still thinks it's okay to have affairs then it would be possible for him to cheat on me. How the hell can I of all people make such a judgement about this type of behaviour. Never say never is one thought and I have a history of breaking such trusts. I had affairs when in relationships and I also had affairs with men in relationships. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it regardless of any morals or principles.
Not to mention my resentment with my father for his flirtations with women and the belief that he was seeing T before my mum was even buried. How dare he do that to my mum. Especially when I believe that she had been so loyal to him. She adored him. I have wondered whether there had ever been any infidelities. The opportunities were there with all her travelling. And she was vivacious and flirty. Ad whilst my mum could appear naughty I also felt that she was very strongly principled. Somewhat prudish I could often think. Different values I suppose.
Anyway G quite rightly said that I was not listening to his actual experience and instead judging the behaviour. He was trying to tell me about meeting a particular woman and one thing leading to another resulting in them having an affair. She was married. Mrs E is married too. Now I can see how I wasn't listening and that it wasn't the case now. Perhaps I was too pointing out something that doesn't sit so comfortably with him. The fact that he chooses unavailable women for relationships is one thing. But also I was saying that it is not okay for people to actually carry through the attraction knowing there is someone else involved. Where is a persons integrity and dignity too when there is another partner? Where is self restraint in all of this. If desire is so powerful then no one would be faithful, trustworthy and loyal. The funny thing is the other way around G would be so hurt. I'm not sure what it was actually that was touched in him but the Port Cullis dropped down heavily. I said you seem angry. He said "it doesn't matter". Then there were long silences with the gap between me on my settee and him in his smoking retreat very obvious. The string was severed. As a result the drawbridge was raised. Very powerful imagery of not only the distance between us but the barriers.
I felt initially frustrated and fed up. Wondering to myself if I can be bothered if this is how it is going to be every time. I felt suddenly strong and powerful thinking just get out. But there was also a voice saying work through this. This is G and I have strong feelings of LOBE for him (load of bollocks emotion, as we've sort of nick-named it). I ant to see how it is to accept someone as they are. I'm doing something similar with M. It is perhaps easier to do when loving someone for who they are. And I do. I love M and G for the person I know and meet on a daily basis. I am wondering if I am falling in LOBE with G. There are strong feelings. and I am hoping not to become overly attached and needy. I did that before. Every time in fact and very early on. So this is similar perhaps. BUT there are many things that are very new - INTIMACY (into me you see). The open and honest sharing. I managed to tell him the truth about having been married 3 times. It came up as we were talking about being honest. I can't remember what it was that had been raised about honesty but I just knew it wasn't sitting comfortably that he'd asked about how many times I'd been married. I skirted over the number. Fear and shame. Well the truth is I've been married 3 times and I discussed the details. Oh this had led on from him asking me about terminations of pregnancy - abortion the common word. Ugh however much I hate to say it this was a part of my history too. I know this had an affect on G. It was more that he thought I hadn't thought to mention it to him. There we go again you see that distrust through emission - secrecy. A form of dishonesty.
I am learning through G about honesty. Sometimes though I don;t know what my truth is. I think I am so air-headed the truth is dependant on the very moment. I wonder if I am a pathological liar and have no idea of what the actual truth is. I am frightened by this.
As the day went on with G things did loosen up but not entirely. Only yesterday were we able to relax again with each other. The Port Cullis and Drawbridge are great images of how we both back off from the situation. There are doubts from both of us. It's amazing that G is howing that we can be open about this. I have instances of wondering what the hell I'm doing.
Is it going too fast? IS he aware of what he's doing by staying here permanently? Wondering if it's simply somewhere to be rather than in his own Pit and alone feeling lonely? Do I really want to be involved with someone who has such an emotional attachement to someone else and is keeping that going too? Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with someone who does not want to earn a proper income and how this will cramp any desires to do things and go places. I sometimes look at him ad don't see the attractive person I see at other times. Oddly I have no issue with his issues in connection with sex. I think actually in this matter we are both facing our issues - this is where I feel safest strangely.
The perosn I've met thus far overall though I have feelings of LOBE for. And at times I think I am in LOBE, whatever that means.
And with M too there have been ongoing discussion, claridying misunderstandings here and there. We went to see Rust and Bone. Wow! I really did enjoy this film. I would recommend anyone to see it but these days I am reluctant to do so as I realise it's such a personal thing. Music, films, art, books etc are all personal. Images or ideas or sounds that get right inside me may not be what other find interesting or inspiring. I think I have a passion in me and so I'm easily stimulated by many things. I am like a child who sees everything as pretty colours. I think I like this idea. There are of course some things that just don't "do it" for me. That is indication that there is a degree of discretion and censoring. Phew that goodness.
Anyway Rust and Bone was for me an emotional roller coatser. Havng read the reviews and it getting good press I knew a little about the woman becoming crippled. Knowing this the tension that built in me around the particular building up of that event was excrutiating. I wanted to turn away and for the event not to happen. Of course it did as this was the beginning of interactions of people and their lives.
And this French film interwove different threads and personalities. Different backgrounds and values interwoven and conflicting. I want to know more about each of the people. I also want to know if the leading lady has amputated legs or if this was done through digital cameras. It was so convincing I am left questioning this. The acting was so convincing generally, from the child to the sister to the main characters and anyone that travelled into view. I would like more films of this calibre.

During the film I had a funny thought. What if anything happened to G (he is continuning the inestigation into what appears to be angina) and no one knew to contact me? I was aware that he was doing some work. Having already commented on how rude I find it when people are talking, especially of serious matters, and they turn away to attend to an incoming call or text message. with M I also get offended when we are talking and she is completely distracted, not even an associated thought or focus. I either need to let go of that or tell her. I usually feel disappointed and uhm a word for a feeling I don't know how to describe. There is a sort of sadness as if I am uninteresting and something that matters to me is boring her to the extent that she cannot hold concentration. I feel ignored and unimportant. My trust is questioned and I wonder why I bother to try and talk about the thins that matter to me when they are so unimportant to her anyway. Interesting as it is so important to M that she feels heard. I was relieved that she is beginning to see that other people are also afraid and insecure. She seems to have thought everything is being done to her and everyone else is confidant and settled. She then went on immediately to say how is she supposed to know unless she is being informed. It's almost autistic in her approach.

G was sleeping away in the other room and has now awoken.

As H said to me this morning, God is in this relationship with me. I am not alone. He has had my back covered thus far. A long ife of incredible risks but here I am still alive and ready for the daily adventures of life. Things don't just happen.

What is this situation with B as well? I think I'll have to write anoteh time about this. The fear the utter fear that I have of being me in front of other people. I don't want to tell people who I am - their disapproval? I don't know - there is more to be written though.

Off for now
Bliss
xx

p.s. I am going to meet with Lelung Rinpoche this morning. G and I are good for each other as I will get about getting this organised as a result of G being there. He will go along if I do the organising. We can be so good for wach other. Lets develope the positives and not let the destructives things destroy. It's about being away of the potential lethal weapons not pretneding they don't exist.

xx

 

On Honesty

Having been so excited from really experiencing Steps 1 and 2 as we went through the little red book, I was surprised at what experiencing Step 3 actually brought.
I can't remember the details of what was shared but what I learnt about myself was that it wasn't the choices I made decisions on but being honesty and taking responsibility for my choices that was difficult.
I made a commitment to B (sponsor) not to enter into a relationship. Initially this came about as I started having contact with G. It started about a year ago when we simply chatted at the local AA meeting. He sat next to me at the back of the meeting and asked me a few questions. He was the ONLY person I spoke to because at this time I was just returning to meetings after a break of about a year. This break had been connected with the tumultuous relationship with JH. M made a comment about this when asking if I was happy with G. She went on to say that she was pleased as with JH I was mainly unhappy from the start and she had been constantly worried for me. Interesting. I had been suspicious from the start and of course my suspicions coupled with my insecurity were tantamount to problems. But I was enjoying something about it all, the M/s game, the SL interaction etc. Anyway with G I had been interested in him chatting with me. I found him attractive then but didn't think I should. He looked and sounded angry and himself uncertain. I liked his sharing though. I think he thought I was a complete newcomer. He didn't recognise me from the newbie I had been when I had first seen him at Alton or somewhere. Furthermore, he wouldn't have been on the look out for me but he had been brought to my attention by A. She was seeing him as far as I could gather from what she was telling me. He hasn't admitted that by the way. What do I do with that information? I could perhaps ask S as she was A's sponsor at the time. It's besides the by really because there are relationships I haven't mentioned and my reasons are shame based I think.
Anyway that first encounter or two or three was probably the end of 2010 when everything was ending with JH. When he stopped attending the meeting I was disturbed for the first time but then didn't think of him again. Then I started going to the Wednesday meeting and there he was. He sat next to me and we chatted. This happened every week. And I positioned myself deliberately near where he might wish to sit. Then he asked me to do a chair and had my phone number. I had to text and cancel as I had returned to Day 1 due to not weighing cheese accurately. That was a crazy situation in my head. I over weighed the cheese completely without intention. And before even taking a mouthful I realised and so I guessed what would be 2 oz. Why I didn't get up and weigh it was the issue for me. I was at home and could easily have done so. I think a part of me wanted extra. I think there have been a couple of meals out when I have not gauged 6 oz of potato too. I think on Saturday I was probably over on the cooked veg but very under on the salad. The potatoes were probably just about right but had been sauteed. The tuna was probably a little bit over. I ate the lot.
Anyway then communication commenced to the phone with G. He called initially and we had banter chat. It was fun and interesting. He wasn't all jokes and Micky taking. He was clearly intelligent and thought provoking. There was serious talking to be swapped. And this then happened a few times, talking into the early hours of the morning. This went on with him realising at some point that I was the same person he'd met at Petersfield. And he asked me if I'd like to go for a walk. Wow! That was the clincher really. My attraction and interest was already there. He drove to the village and he took me to Winchester Hill. There he was showing me all the wild flowers, birds and it was outdoors talk, fresh and a beautiful day. We encountered PW and I suddenly found myself embarrassed to be seen with G. The doubts that I had were the thoughts I projected onto PW. Interesting.
I don't think either of us wanted the walk to be over when it was and so discussed going for a coffee. We went to a pub ad it was there that he couldn't resist touching me. I was sitting cross-legged back to front on the settee. I've since learnt that he wasn't at all certain what that meant. It happened another time in his car on the way back from Petworth. Both times he read it as some sort of come on. Well he read that correctly. Except for me it was being quirky rather than straightforward flirty. Being quirky is making me special and different and noticeable. I've also discovered that he had such a strong urge to touch me during the walk and then sitting there he couldn't resist anymore. He touched my knee and asked if I minded. I said no, of course I didn't mind. On the contrary I liked it.
The entire asking out and the being out was very gentle and easy. Yes there was me on best quirky behaviour but at the same time feeling a lot easier with myself. The joy of being confident in my body is amazing. As the evening drew on I knew I needed to sort out my evening meal. So I suggested we went for something to eat. We tried the George in the village but it was too expensive. This was a little squirmy for me knowing already that he was not working and penniless. It wasn't what I had in mind for myself. All this time I had been thinking that okay the next man will be a wealthy man. Despite being completely unattracted physically I asked myself if I could go out with PW, afterall he was going to be wealthier than I am used to even though he has been negotiating alimony with his estranged wife. But also I heard the sickness in him still being in recovery maybe 4 or 5 years thus far. And his sharing is rather cliched at times. Not to mention only recently splitting from his wife. He wasn't ready yet but then neither was I as I was committed to my AWOL and the thought that I wouldn't be getting myself into any relaitonships until the AWOL was over. I am not sure now if at that stage I had actually committed to no relationships but certainly discussions with B about me and relationships suggested that this was the case. It didn't at that stage need to be an official commitment.
So G and went to another pub restaurant. That's when I went off my committed food and hadn't told my sponsor to this day. It was also much later than planned for. We sat and chatted there for a long time too and when eventually he drove me to my flat it was very late. He reached over and kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but not perturbed. Inwardly it made me smile. Part of the reason for going out to eat and sitting in the car chatting for hours was because my flat was so untidy and dirty. He had once before suggested that he and Erst, his buddy came over for a coffee. I have learnt that that was his gentle way of getting closer to me without being too forward. For a man who says he has incredible low self esteem I really love his ways of showing interest in me. And I let him.
I didn't tell B the whole truth and certainly didn't tell anyone else. Secrecy you see. Dishonesty through ommission. This is the ting that makes me untrustworthy. And I don't like it. When G is not here I want to tell my new sponsor G that he is here almost permanently now. I will come to that as it's a big leap but not so in terms of it happening. Talk about taking things slowly. Huh!
So I was curious.
I did however tell my sponsor. And also had a lot of discrepancies between who G was and the person I want to be with. I already knew he was angry with the world and wasn't flush at all with money. I wasn't sure about physical attraction either. There was something physically attractive looks-wise but a very grumpy looking face. He hadn't ever dressed in an attrative way, always in filthy trainers and tracksuit pants. He was usually unshaven and a general dirty look about him. He looks like a big time drinker still. And he was. Bloody hell. He makes my drinking look light-weight.
So telling mysponsor at this stage and cuttng contact was easy. Her suggestion was just not to respond. So I didn't for a week. But then I really am fed up with cutting contact and so sent a text. Talking about this time with G I said I didn't receive the texts. He had since told Erst because what would usually have been kept a secret to retain his complete confidentiality was not longer an issue. He thought it was already all over. However, I sent a text and so conversations and texting resumed. He asked me out for another walk. During this walk he actually put his arms around me from behind, asking as he did it if I minded. He was dog sitting for Mrs E. Now he'd already told me abou Mrs E saying that he was committed to her. This conversation occurred in the car after the first walk. I'd almost forgotten that. So returning to that moment. I think I enquired what was happeneing and he replied "between thee and me?". I think he had expressed his interest and wanting to see what happens. I had said that I was not available for a relationship and he feigned a disppointed face and at that time told me about Mrs E.
He is no longer in a sexual relationship with her but had been. That ended about 2 years ago. She is married but G is sort of a part of the family. He dog sits and does odd jobs and it's the closest thing to home he has. He is treated quite horribly at times by her but .... he really cares for her and never wants any harm to come to her. She continues to drink although attends meetings every so often. At one time they went to meetings together. Oddly enough Mrs E's sponsor in name only is S.
By the way, me asking about what was happening is quite extraordinary. Never in the past would I have done that. It would have seen too presumptious and feeling like the shit on someone's shoe most of the time would mean it couldn't possibly be anything. That would be the greatest opportunity for someone to shame me and mock me. But G didn't he took the question seriously.
Apparently Mrs E has not told her about her drinking or G. This was interesting as it was S I had spoken to enquiring what she thought of G, explianing that there had been increased communications and interest between us and wondered what she thought of him, i.e. was he a player? She had thought no. She mentioned he had once had a relationship of some sort with someone she sponsored and so now I don't know whether she meant A or Mrs E. I will ask her some day.
Amazingly she has asked me if I'd house-sit whilst she and C are on holiday during January. What's so special about this is the fact that she fosters and house-sitting will involve being responsible for the current foster kids. One I think she said is 21 and I find that strange. There are three of them in total.
The conversation in the care was left with him thinking let's see how it goes and me thinking I had made it clear I am not available for a relationship. I didn't at that point say no contact. However with continuing contact it was clear that there was interest mutually. So the week without contact felt good but also not good. I made contact as I explained we went for a walk with his adopted dogs. He grabbed me several times from behind and we held those moments. I didn't tell B. I continued not telling B as the contact continued and escalated. I visited him at Mrs E's staying late into the night. We talked about what has become known as skin therapy. He was brave enough to say he wanted to be closer to me. By this time he'd already explianed his issues with sex. I am constantly impressed by his straightforwardness and honesty. So after an argument of sorts, when I experienced his anger and shut down, we had what I had said I wanted, skin on skin. We had talked about this prior to the shut down moment. Perhaps the thought of it enabled G to talk more about his childhood. He was left very vulnerable I felt afterwards and therefore very sensitive. I had mentioned something in a way that he felt under the therapists questionnig and become very defensive. It is not my palce to tell his story in detail but his circumstances are very connected with what I see as areas of sensitivity today.
He was raised in children's homes and realises himself that this attachment he has with dogs and with Mrs E and her home is directly associated with this need for somewhere regardless of how well he's treated or not. Also the most sensitive things he spoke of was uncomfortable phycical encounters with his father who he learnt later was gay. These would today be considered sexual abuse even though not penetrative. I asked questions and he felt threatened by that. He said I had the counsellor hat on and he didn't like being questioned. It was a razor sharp attack at me. Pushing me right away. I was hurt and upset but said that he obviously made his choices as I prepared to leave. When he realised I was upset it seemed to ground him again. And thta night we ended up in bed. He touched and felt me all over. Holding me and kissing me. There was no sex. Neither of us wanted that. But to be close and feel his warmth was exquisite for me. I was really feeling strong feelings for him by this time.
I feel sad about his past but not pity and no desire to fix him. I have learnt much. We talk about the past and the present. we takl about relating and at times it feels likes intimacy. There is an enmeshment already in that he has started staying here and apart from one night he has been here ever since.
That happened after Mrs E. I returned there until the last night when Mrs E and her husband were due back. He then came here I think or maybe there was one night between. One night apart was due to an argument. I was insecure and questioning, probing after an afternoon he'd spent with Mrs E. To begin with my insecurity was heightened by the fact that he wasn't telling Mrs e> However I understood as I wasn't telling B. I wasn't telling B because I had admitted to her about reinstigating contact and reluctantly agreed to cutting contact again. This involved speaking with S (FA) and preapring a cut of contact text or speech. I wanted to for the sake of B and FA but didn;t want to for the sake of me and of the potential relationship instigated. One evening G and I had realised that I had a boyfrriend. It was somehow very natural and easy-going as we talked about it openly and honestly.
So half-heartedly I prepaared to cut contact but didnt actually do it. And from there the secret was formulated. I was worried that G decided eventually to tell Mrs E as if it was for me. He even threw that comment out when we were having a insecurity driven argument. I have since leart that I need to take my insecurity eslewhere and not dump it at his feet. I need to return to that concept that E introduced to me all those years ago with SH, to support his choice in friends rather than defame and disparagge his choice - out of jealousy. Ugly!
So I have stopped that and amazingly things are so much easier day to day. He talks to me about what's going on and I don't react. That makes it safe for him to be able to tell me and I feel some "control" knowing what's going on. Perhaps with time I will not need to know. I do get fed up with the constant barrage of texts which have more recently escalted into phone calls. However I understand the desperation. Especially in drinking. That feeling of loss of control and the terror of not being good enough and someone else is better. Ugh! All those thoughts were so crippling and painful. It was the only reality. I thank goodness I am not in that at the moment. The last time was with JH and I was awful. Suspicious and argumentative. Wnating to know then arguig about what I did know. How vile to be on the receiving end of but worse still to be int he pain of it all.
Please God don't let that happen again. It's possible of course if G and I don't remain honest. If this should slip into complacency and habit then it's very possible it could happen either way. We both have difficiulties with intimacy and self esteem.
Throughtout all of these days with increasing closeness and sex nothing was said to B. With every day and every AWOL I was feeling so uncomfortable. This was good though. In previous times I would have been uncomfortaable but not knowing why. I would be going undergroundvery quickly. I am certain my mum would know and probably my dad too. M certainly is aware that something isn't being said. And the secrecy or dishonesty through ommission is a usual mode of operandi for me. IN that way I get what I want without being disapproved of. This has only become apparent over the weeks. I don't know how many weeks exactly but it's probably 3 or 4 now.
It was so useful talking with H. I became honest with her. It was with huge risk but I knew I needed to start getting honest somewhere. G had taken great risk and become honest with Mrs E. I saw how difficult it was for him before and afterwards. He needed to do for himself not for me and I think overall he did. It just slipped out one time that he had done what I wanted him to dao risking everything he held important. He was honest and put trust in the outcome whatever that may be. And sure enough he is ont hereceiving end of some problematic behaviours and threats. I hate that she wants to try and get him into bed and wants to kiss and be held by him. But this is his life and his choices. If he is unfaithful to me and I disover it I can begin to seperate that from a personal slight. I would have taken it as that before and fallen into the pain of not being good enough etc. But I can get glimpses of and hold onto for increasing moments that it is not true. I am beginning to liek myself more and more and respect me as a being. If someone else can't then sadly they can go.
This has sort of occurred with M. She has issues with me. One of those being my dishonesty. I made an apology and talked about what I am seeing and doing. Other things she is upset about are more her issue - she had mentioned being jealous and I think I can actually see that. Our circumstances have changed. This is a mutual situation but I have felt blamed for this. And blamed for the change in conytact. I accept fully that M at times wihdraws and have gradually gien up trying so hard. And yet I am getting blamed for it is how it seems to me. Anyway we chatted again and again on the phone about this with tears and ager and all sorts of words. Then meeting on Saturday, M raised the issue once again. I acknowledge that circumstances have changed. We are both busier and also both meeting other people and doing things with other people. However, my friendship remains as strong. I love being with M and love her for who she is. I accept her for her foibles. Sometimes things about her annoy me but not so as to get in the way of loving her for who she is. I can even be jealous of her, the things she is doing and achieving. Her arrogance infuriates me. These things though do not decry the love and friendship I feel. Then there is me. I am sorry about my dishonesty. To her and to everyone. I am really seeing it in different ways now. My desire for secrecy rather than privacy is of interest to me. Secrecy means avoiding didapproval and that disapproval brings enormous fear. If people disapprove so be it. This is me and these are my life choices. I can stand up and be counted more and more. I can be responsible for my choices. Things may be bad  choices they may be good. Everyone does it. It's my life path. With every decision come lessons if I stay conscious. If I am secretive I drive myself further underground and there is less opportunity to learn and grow. In secrecy there is no one to reflect and discover with. It's all in my head. Outside persoectives matter.
I told M that she matters and I care. I mean that about a lot of things. I came across that idea one day when writing about a client and clients. It's true. People do matter to me and some of course mre than the general as they are closer to me. And because they matter I care about them.
It feels so good to have stood up and been honest. I am me. This is what I am doing. I repsect that B did not want to continue sposnoring me. I feel it is a shame. She is very firm in what's required and that's okay. I feel that everyone has to choose their journey and I can support them with that. There is a fine line though and that is what I am not sure of.
For instance with the food I need a rigid food plan. I was given that and have followed it to a tee. I think though it's a fellowship plan rather than an individual plan. Is not having a relationship a fellowship plan. People suggest not making major changes until after the AWOL because then I will know myself better. Perhaps it is maverick but whenever will I fully know myself. Perhaps this is the devil's fruit tempting me? Who knows. I know for sure that I will discover the truth. I could step aside and never know. The course of my life would surely be different over the next year.
Yes there is enmeshment but I can work thorugh this with help and support. For example I want to meet up with M on Friday. I want to tell G I'dlike to do this without it turning into him retaliating by then going out and doing something that could end up with him being tempted elsewhere in emotions about me choosing to go out with a friend.
I am not doing anything wrong with M and wish to remain in contact with my friends. If he takes umbridge and does something in the emotion of it then so be it. That's indication that this relationship is flawed. Whether it's flawed beyond repair who would know. Anyway I need to speak with him about this and my fears. I do not want clipped wings. In the past I have blamed "the men" for clipping my wings. But I've stayed on the ground long enough for them to do it. I would like to go out with M. I want our friendship. All being well I'm going to London with A and G to the Bronze exhibition at the Royal Academy. Historically it interests me and I enjoyed the sculptures at the Hobein Museum in Bath. I hope both events happen. Hopefully there is a matinee performance at the cinema as I'd also like to go to the Friday meeting. It's my usual meeting. I get home by 9:20 is so if G wants time with his friend Mrs E and the dogs there's plenty of time for us to regather together.
I need to approach the matter with him. Face my fear. More fear of rejection as a result of being me. It's not disapporval I'm afraid of. What is it? It'll become clearer.
So relief from being honest. Freedom from fear. The relationship seems legitimate now. I can talk more openly about it. G still wants secrecy for his confidentiality and this is connected with everyone knowing everything when he was a child. There were records. All he was in a way was a record. I feel so sad that this should have been how it was. He is more than a record and series of facts to me. He is very real and human and a sentient being. He is sensitive, loving and caring. I like him. He's intelligent, quick witted and funny. He doesn't need money or clothes to be these things he is them. I have strong feelings for him right now.
We are fiding sexual intimacy and I am learning how to be comfortable talking about what's good or not. So is he. His issues seem less prominent to me. Of course he knows the extent of them but my experience is very different from his description of himself.
It's good for today. I write this as he sleeps after a sleepless night of tooth pain. I am very worried about his heart condition and want for the inestigations to continue sooner than later. They said 2 to 3 weeks after the recent exploration through the artery. They see a vessel closed completely and the artery is furred up. There is deep concern. He continues to smoke heavily, probably more. We have talked about giving up but he think about it with each cigerette at the moment. if he's ready he will do it. What pressure and that's not conducive to giving up. Ironic!
I am on annual leave this week and relieved not to be having to go to the place with the hell-woman. It's better because I just don't enter into anything with her. However, she works in a way that I cannot adjust to. I find it very worrying that she sponsored a client. We hear nohting from that client now. I wonder what has happened.
Sometimes she does things I think are way off the mark but turn out okay. There is risk there though. Are we in a position to take such risks? I think not. She thinks so. We are poles apart on that.
I hope I've been able to make my point clearly about the honesty being the issue and not the decision.
Of course the decision comes into it's own once the honesty is placed. I love that honesty is a spiritual principle I want to work within.
Oh and the book the Cave in the Snow. Wow! It's so worth a read. I should like to meet Tenzin Palmo. I have a deep desire to travel to India to see if it's possible. G seems to have heard that she is back in silent retreat. If she is she is but it would be worth making the pilgrimage. He is hesitant. perhaps it is too much of a commitment to be saying that January 2014 we will make that journey. I think I will start saving towards is. if I put a fiver away a month in an Indian fund who knows what will happen.
I have a date fixed with G - whatever happens between us I will be at the Seven Sisters Country Park Riverside Car park at 4pm o 19th October 2013. If we are together still then we could travel together. If not I hope he will turn up. It's a full moon. So long as the night is celar there is awalk where the moon lights up the water apparently in a spectacular way. I think a full mooon would make it even more worthwhile so I have fixed this date with him. I fixed the date before we had decided to be in a relationship. Since then I'm not sure if G sees hinself in a relationship or not. It's of no matter wha each of us label it. We are going along a day at a time and so far the way he is with me seems very compatible. His interests and his manner. He is touchy with me. We seem mutually paced. He is worried I will get bored with him. I ill never get bored so long as I can also do the tings I enjoy doing. I'd love to do things with him too if he wants to. I want to do things he does like walking and watch him doing his crossword. He thinks I am clever or bright. I think not. It's lovely so far. I hope it will remain so.
I will look up some dentists for him now.

Praying for the courage to remain honest
Bliss
XXX

The Top 10 things about time and space, Bliss, that most people seem to forget...

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.
9. There are no "tests" and you're not being judged.
8. Everyone's doing their best, with what they know.
7. You already have whatever you're looking for.
6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.
5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion.
4. You're naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.
3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.
2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.
1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.

The truth shall set you free,
The Universe

In Hampshire Hurricanes Hardly Ever Happen

Wow! What just happened?
There's a mountain to write. M, G, honesty, jealousy, self respect, confusion. I have no idea what is the best thing to do. Others will doubtlessly give advice and opinions and through it all I will need to pick out a way forward. There are a number of choices to choose from and all heading forward. Nothing can go backwards as it's impossible. But travelling back in time is actually how to go forward. Learning from past experiences. That is time travelling. So I can whizz backwards and observe. This will both influence the next decision, based on experiential patterns and information but the past can also contribute to making changes to those experiences and moving out of conditioning. Can't it? It requires being very conscious and that's so difficult.
My confusion right now is what to do next regarding G. Of course my decisions are based on my fantasies of what's going to happen next anyway. What if doesn't contact me at all? What should I do regarding his hospital visit on Wednesday? Should I offer to go anyway? Do I talk to him about continuing this relationship? Do I even want to continue the relationship? Do I really fancy him? Do I really want him in my life to that degree of commitment and relationship? Do I want to work through all that anger and receiving of it whether it's personal or not? Is that even normal? Do I want to be in a relationship with a man that is so emotionally attached to a woman and her environment? The answer to that is no. One no should be enough shouldn't it Universe?
If this was the other way around, I doubt very much he would tolerate it. So why should I tolerate it? I would like to be able to be friends. That's all I have to offer I think. That does not mean breaking contact. But equally that no longer means anything of deeper intimacy i.e. sex. It was surprisingly good under the circumstances. But there were things that were taboo, like the complete honesty of my past.
And what is once again so very evident is my fear. The fear of telling people the truth. The complete truth. The fear of being me, totally and utterly. It is useful as I am entering Step Four. This is in my face. Fear, fear, fear.
When asked about marriage I was afraid of telling the complete truth. Yes three times I've been married, not to mention the two near marriages with JC and SH. Ad a string of other longer term relationships and so many short term even one night stands fitted in between. IS it necessary to tell all of that when dating someone? I have a sordid past concerning relationships. I regret having sex with G so soon. I don't regret the sex, just the implication. I do not in my single life want to develop a history of sexual relationships within AA. But there we are - SH and GS now. Since splitting up with SH I have been in a relationship with JB, R, JHtB, - then I forget you see. My sexual inventory is not one I am proud of. And so you'd think I'd want to stop. But I don't know how to date or relate with men. Another good reason not to enter into this sort of thing alone.
So he moved in slightly. There were lovely times. And now he's gone. There were some unpleasant times. Whenever he'd been to visit Mrs E, poor Mrs. E, he was in a bad mood. Coupled with my insecurity and jealousy, that was not going to bode well. I wanted reassurance and niceness and closeness. It seemed as if he wanted controversy and was truculent. At times I felt hurt as if he was purposefully being acerbic and deliberately derisive but then would claim I was being too sensitive or carry it on.
I was sensible when I said "well I'm here when you want to be close and nice". I should have left it at that and dealt with how horrible it was feeling. However, by saying that I was finding it difficult was an opportunity for him to give in. Instead he became angrier at me directly and said that I was taking it personally. He admitted he was in a mood and that was that. So am I supposed to be okay with moodiness from other issues directly affecting me? I am not yet ready to deal with this sort of thing. I would hope that I wouldn't put my mood on someone so directly however I am sure that I do. When feeling insecure it manifests in many ways that can be quite pathetic and manipulative. Such as wanting people to stop being angry with me thereby feeling ill or using illness as a sympathy getter. And if I'm feeling angry I think I strop about ruffling the air and inflating my position and exaggerating the issue.
I have had a lovely conversation with my friend T. I was able to be honest with her about the past couple of weeks. The chaos and the good times. It is such a privilege to have friends that I can be honest with and whom listen and don't put their judgements on me. She was able to hear and I tentatively listened for tones that I think were there. But she gave me her thoughts without accusation. It is different.
We also talked though about not knowing what the purpose of "IT" all is. I mentioned the Cave in the Snow book that I'm reading. Actually that G has lent me. I am grateful for the loan. There are questions Tenzin Palmo was asking as a young girl that I have asked all my life. And without any satisfactory answer thus far. And T posed the same thought - are people who choose to meditate in caves alone for years also escaping something. Perhaps there they do not have to deal with disappointment or emotions evoked through interactions. Their only interaction is with their HP. This too seems like escapism or avoidance to some degree. We are social animals. That of course doesn't mean we have to be. I am becoming better placed to be alone and not feel lonely and scared. Does that mean I would tend to isolate. I think not. I know B puts that upon me but I really don't think I'm an isolator. I tend to do the opposite.
One of the things that has been a slight temptation recently has been SecondLife. What did I do last night? Late into the early hours actually? Yup you've probably guessed correctly, I downloaded a viewer and went into SL. There were a couple of the oldies and someone I spoke to on their arrival. I was apparently the first person they spoke with. She commented on how friendly and helpful I was. I'm glad I left a person with that impression. I spoke with Jokk for a while, still doing the same old things in the same old yella shirt and stinky ol' trainers. Fishin' to grab a few Lindens. Probably he couldn't be contacted because he was having a "session" with some floozy or other and there's me thinking he's one of the few gooduns. Oh and Trip was there. A king now in the world of the Vamps. Still there!! Relationship over and done with and offering a Skype address.
Some things never change. What did I do? Yup for those of you up with all of these era, I sent a message to Senor Dante. I still have an allegiance there. Odd really. I have wondered if he and JH were actually the same person. I saw his emailed message via SL and that was really the motive for going online.
Well G has texted and we have spoken and he will be over after the AWOL which starts in 5. I have to go and little is really written about my observations of myself. This needs to be recorded. It's crucial.
I will make some changes with G. More time for me is needed.

Bliss
XX