Still having foody thoughts. I am using "don't eat whatever happens, whatever happens don't eat" like a mantra and also Thank you God that's not my food. Sometimes it seems easier than others. After eating my meal I seem more vulnerable. Ugh!
It was getting louder and more frequent before Christmas and resulted in picking up food but I didn't really talk about it. I mentioned it to my sponsor but didn't stress just how much.
The questioning I have is in every area of life not just what is or isn't the way of FA ... where's the fine line in everything, and this is something very personal I realise. So where's my fine line in all of life's issues, small or big.
My very good friends - 2 of them - have asked if I'm manic. I was diagnosed years ago with manic depression but stopped medication and have been generally much more level since FA. It doesn't go completely and I do get erratic thinking and find things funny that really aren't - at least I recognise that but go ahead and write things to people anyway. It used to be worse I'd do thing that were really risky and often out of order. Who needed drink and drugs huh? But I did that too. Made it all a whole heap worse in risk taking. These times are fewer and fewr, in fact rare. The odd thing is I adore the highs and the lucidity. Coupled with depression though and it's not good. That's how things are for me right now. I am functioning in terms of work, meetings, and a few other important matters. Then there are other areas of living that I'm not fulfilling and then these things in turn contribute to not feeing good about me and than, BAM!, i want to escape.
Anyway I am rather loathe to raise it as I've felt that diagnoses are not approved of by some. I myself wonder about the diagnosis especially as since being in FA (and menopause passing) I have been so much better.
So it's not surprising to be having a slightly higher high than I've experienced in the last 3 years shortly after relapsing on flour and sugar.
I think it all contributes ....
I am philosophising about some major things - Charlie and freedom of expression versus responsibility and rights, listening to debates wit people like Will Self. I listened to a Radio 4 documentary about Japanese Manga and how in their culture thus far at least they allow fantasy of sexually explicit nature that would be deemed illegal in this country. I am mulling over the neurological things and arguments in psychology that I've been studying for the past 6 years, and very certain that addiction exists as a neurological issue ... blah blah blah.
So I am building in quiet time and finding creative outlets for this energy - sketching for example.
I feel bonkers and wont be sending this email.
