Wednesday 4 May 2011
Light sourcea
Oh my gosh ... what a wonderful idea
http://www.underwatersculpture.com/pages/artist/about.htm
Isn't that just so full of grace ...
Never staying the same and disappearing back into the environment which was once so strange, I love this. I love the slow slow change and movement that is almost invisible at the time.
Vicissitude - vicissitudes, successive, alternating, or changing phases or conditions, as of life or fortune. Ups and downs.
Bliss
XX
http://www.underwatersculpture.com/pages/artist/about.htm
Isn't that just so full of grace ...
Never staying the same and disappearing back into the environment which was once so strange, I love this. I love the slow slow change and movement that is almost invisible at the time.
Vicissitude - vicissitudes, successive, alternating, or changing phases or conditions, as of life or fortune. Ups and downs.
Bliss
XX
Eco Living
I like this .... could get RW to build it. Just need the land now. I wonder if RF has a corner on his land I could have? Oh and then I need the materials? I would need solar panels.
Anyway this is just one of them that I like ...
Take a look at their FB pages
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=172048332849515&set=a.172048299516185.50161.157525404301808&type=1&ref=nf#!/pages/Alternative-Eco-Living-Resource-Page/157525404301808
And have a look at this Blog too - http://matahina.blogspot.com/
Bliss
XX
World smiles versus death desire
I am feeling better and connected agaain today! Hooray. Hoorah.
But I cannot face feeling like I have been again. I hang onto death desire
I have sspoken to my manager and will be going back to work on Monday but have leave Thurs, Fri and the following Mon. In theory to look after AB's dogs and the house. I have a feeling she will cancel out.
I can not not not get myself focused on my studying - I love the subject this year so think it is more about concentration than desire. I will start in 10 minutes come what may.
What a beautiful walk this morning. I decided yesterday I would take my early monring walk up the big hill behind the church. I thought of JH as he had walked there when it was covered in snow. Still remnants of him in the ether. I feel sad. But I must not dwell otherwise I can become morose. I remind myself immediately that our paths seemed to cross, I thought they merged but actually we were just passing by. I will spend time concentrating on my own path and spiritula development and put out of mind the deaire to find love and companionship. I want to develop my relationship with the Universe instead and that includes many, many peole and experiences. Loss is loss - I feel it and thank goodness I allow myself to feel it. I encourage people to acknowledge the full range of emotions to experience humanness. Just a pity the hormonal stuff wipes my feet from under me. Please Universe help me to be able to deal with this better. I do not know what to learn from it except that I have to accept it and then just go along for the painful ride. It's been nice not working but so worrying about finances.
Oh my dad called last evening. He very quickly asked if I need money? I asked if he felt OK to help me out, he asked how much? Neither of us really answered each others questions. I said £600 - way under what I wanted to ask for. He asked if he was guaranteed to get it back? I said of course and would he prefer a lump sum or monthly repayments. He said if he was guaranteed then he might let me keep it. I heard him but said pardon and he didn't repeat that, instead muttering about beiong paid back and it wasn't clear which repayment option he wanted. He said if it's next month I need it call him then. I went to say something wlse and he said he had to go. And was gone!
It's horrid that he cannot speak with T around. I would like to ask him why as in my mind it's a link between her not approving of him talking to me and him putting her above me. Bottom of the pile again. I know last time he said he doesn't want her knowing his business. I would not get the truth anyway so what I need to say is how I feel about it. And trust!
I will when the opportunity arises next - if I remember.
I was scared the other day - word blindness (hate saying i am forgetting words as I think it must be some dreadful state of being geriatric even though I know it's another symptom of these flipping hormones). I was saying to GB how beautiful her poppies were in her garden. She looked at me strangely and said "tulips". It was a real mind blank. Of course as she said that I knew. It's truly scary.
Still some hot flushes but things are improving.
I am drinking Green Tea now - 5 cups a day - supposed to hep reduce fat retention in the tummy area and also has a lot of other health benefits. I used to find it so bitter but as a result of a friend of a friend I learnt not to use boiling water. Let the water cool before puring over the tea. It works!! Very nice and I am hoping to see the benefits.
I am eating more hea;thily and the regular exercise is certainly helping fitness levels. I need to develop tummy muscles again though. I HATE gyms and I have so little time anyway. So hill climbing is useful - tummy butt and legs. I will do sit ups every morning as I get ready.
You see how much better I am feeling - the energy is returning and I have the motivation. I am certainly reducing size and my weight is ropping and this all contributes to lifting my mood.
Hooray!
"In the Shambhala warrior tradition, we say you should only have to kill an enemy once every thousand years." — Chogyam Trungpa
I feel sad the ways in which humans act towards each other. I am praying that there will be forgiveness and understanding instead of hatred and retaliation. It breeds and spreads into every crevice otherwise. We need to learn to be angry about things that happen but not react. Understand out anger and be different.
Rise through it. I have felt angry. I felt angry when I was being lied to and felt let down and disappointed within that. The way I behaved was to try and point out the error of his ways, make him change, make him love me the way I want to be loved. All of this was additionally fuelled by the hole I feel, bereft of my fathers love as a child. I have felt worthless and hopeless for as long as I can remember. This is my core or default message and I have worked hard to challenge this, yet it is still such a fragile thread to thinking that I am worthy, and have value. So I am looking for external forces to validate me and bolster that. of course no one can do that. I have to instead get stronger and then others opinions will be purely that and if we are not in accordance it will not pull the ground from beneath my feet. I know all of this rationally and have done for a long time now. But today and the past few days I have really been feeling it.
Now I just need some guidance on how to strengthen the thread. I do not wish to enter into any relationships with men in the meantime. If that is meant to be some time in the future then so be it, but please not before I am strong in myself and comfortable with me. I think it is sufficient to be freinds with people and enjoy the good things about people and not entrust the depth of intimacy that I have with someone whilst I am fragile. I embrace my gentle little inner soul and say sorry to me too.
It wasn;t a wasted experience by any means. I am sorry really to have met someone with whom there were many shared pleasures only to have those crushed by being involved at a different level that became destructive. Having met with the intention of exploring slavery, well it wasn't more than that. I had a glimpse of a person that I liked parts of. But was drawn in by my desire to be loved and wanting to believe that what he said was true. Gosh what a blow! He would hold out that he did love me. I am sure like me in many ways he did. But not in the way that I would want true love and intimacy. I hope he will continue along his path with joy and love ......
I need to keep writing this. I know I am repeating myself and the sentiment slips out of my hands when I feel the grief, such as walking across the hill. I can keep writing the same thing so that I don't just hold onto the grief.
One thing I pray is that no one else gets hurt like I have been hurt and that he can learn to respect that vulnerability is not to be toyed with. I hope that the women he meets are stronger than me.
Oh the OU have been trying to find a dyslexic tutor for me that will fit in with my work schedule. They are amazing!! Thank you OU ...
Bliss
XX
But I cannot face feeling like I have been again. I hang onto death desire
I have sspoken to my manager and will be going back to work on Monday but have leave Thurs, Fri and the following Mon. In theory to look after AB's dogs and the house. I have a feeling she will cancel out.
I can not not not get myself focused on my studying - I love the subject this year so think it is more about concentration than desire. I will start in 10 minutes come what may.
What a beautiful walk this morning. I decided yesterday I would take my early monring walk up the big hill behind the church. I thought of JH as he had walked there when it was covered in snow. Still remnants of him in the ether. I feel sad. But I must not dwell otherwise I can become morose. I remind myself immediately that our paths seemed to cross, I thought they merged but actually we were just passing by. I will spend time concentrating on my own path and spiritula development and put out of mind the deaire to find love and companionship. I want to develop my relationship with the Universe instead and that includes many, many peole and experiences. Loss is loss - I feel it and thank goodness I allow myself to feel it. I encourage people to acknowledge the full range of emotions to experience humanness. Just a pity the hormonal stuff wipes my feet from under me. Please Universe help me to be able to deal with this better. I do not know what to learn from it except that I have to accept it and then just go along for the painful ride. It's been nice not working but so worrying about finances.
Oh my dad called last evening. He very quickly asked if I need money? I asked if he felt OK to help me out, he asked how much? Neither of us really answered each others questions. I said £600 - way under what I wanted to ask for. He asked if he was guaranteed to get it back? I said of course and would he prefer a lump sum or monthly repayments. He said if he was guaranteed then he might let me keep it. I heard him but said pardon and he didn't repeat that, instead muttering about beiong paid back and it wasn't clear which repayment option he wanted. He said if it's next month I need it call him then. I went to say something wlse and he said he had to go. And was gone!
It's horrid that he cannot speak with T around. I would like to ask him why as in my mind it's a link between her not approving of him talking to me and him putting her above me. Bottom of the pile again. I know last time he said he doesn't want her knowing his business. I would not get the truth anyway so what I need to say is how I feel about it. And trust!
I will when the opportunity arises next - if I remember.
I was scared the other day - word blindness (hate saying i am forgetting words as I think it must be some dreadful state of being geriatric even though I know it's another symptom of these flipping hormones). I was saying to GB how beautiful her poppies were in her garden. She looked at me strangely and said "tulips". It was a real mind blank. Of course as she said that I knew. It's truly scary.
Still some hot flushes but things are improving.
I am drinking Green Tea now - 5 cups a day - supposed to hep reduce fat retention in the tummy area and also has a lot of other health benefits. I used to find it so bitter but as a result of a friend of a friend I learnt not to use boiling water. Let the water cool before puring over the tea. It works!! Very nice and I am hoping to see the benefits.
I am eating more hea;thily and the regular exercise is certainly helping fitness levels. I need to develop tummy muscles again though. I HATE gyms and I have so little time anyway. So hill climbing is useful - tummy butt and legs. I will do sit ups every morning as I get ready.
You see how much better I am feeling - the energy is returning and I have the motivation. I am certainly reducing size and my weight is ropping and this all contributes to lifting my mood.
Hooray!
"In the Shambhala warrior tradition, we say you should only have to kill an enemy once every thousand years." — Chogyam Trungpa
I feel sad the ways in which humans act towards each other. I am praying that there will be forgiveness and understanding instead of hatred and retaliation. It breeds and spreads into every crevice otherwise. We need to learn to be angry about things that happen but not react. Understand out anger and be different.
Rise through it. I have felt angry. I felt angry when I was being lied to and felt let down and disappointed within that. The way I behaved was to try and point out the error of his ways, make him change, make him love me the way I want to be loved. All of this was additionally fuelled by the hole I feel, bereft of my fathers love as a child. I have felt worthless and hopeless for as long as I can remember. This is my core or default message and I have worked hard to challenge this, yet it is still such a fragile thread to thinking that I am worthy, and have value. So I am looking for external forces to validate me and bolster that. of course no one can do that. I have to instead get stronger and then others opinions will be purely that and if we are not in accordance it will not pull the ground from beneath my feet. I know all of this rationally and have done for a long time now. But today and the past few days I have really been feeling it.
Now I just need some guidance on how to strengthen the thread. I do not wish to enter into any relationships with men in the meantime. If that is meant to be some time in the future then so be it, but please not before I am strong in myself and comfortable with me. I think it is sufficient to be freinds with people and enjoy the good things about people and not entrust the depth of intimacy that I have with someone whilst I am fragile. I embrace my gentle little inner soul and say sorry to me too.
It wasn;t a wasted experience by any means. I am sorry really to have met someone with whom there were many shared pleasures only to have those crushed by being involved at a different level that became destructive. Having met with the intention of exploring slavery, well it wasn't more than that. I had a glimpse of a person that I liked parts of. But was drawn in by my desire to be loved and wanting to believe that what he said was true. Gosh what a blow! He would hold out that he did love me. I am sure like me in many ways he did. But not in the way that I would want true love and intimacy. I hope he will continue along his path with joy and love ......
I need to keep writing this. I know I am repeating myself and the sentiment slips out of my hands when I feel the grief, such as walking across the hill. I can keep writing the same thing so that I don't just hold onto the grief.
One thing I pray is that no one else gets hurt like I have been hurt and that he can learn to respect that vulnerability is not to be toyed with. I hope that the women he meets are stronger than me.
Oh the OU have been trying to find a dyslexic tutor for me that will fit in with my work schedule. They are amazing!! Thank you OU ...
Bliss
XX
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