Well day zero came and went. I watched the flipping opening ceremony. Actually I had it organised that I collected Lady Lou after the meeting having worked later due to being alone and matters arising that needed sorting. So dinner at work, straight to AA and snoozed off and on, rudely. Then to the B's and watched the entire thing until after 1am. Then home and not sleeping properly until about 2:30am. Poo. So this afternoon I am salty-eyed tired.
It was not terribly enthralling. A lot of the time I thought it was just a big shambolic musical. There were messages there, sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious. But things like the display for the NHS. Well if only they were investing in the NHS in the way they were celebrating it. Maybe that was a subtle hint from Danny Boyle. His name is certainly top of the list now. I wonder if there is anyone in the UK who no longer knows who he is? I guess that's done wonders for him in many ways.
As they say anything he did wasn't going to please many. So far the few people I've spoken with haven't had anything wonderful to say about it. I don't know what I imagined but that wasn't it.
It was thrilling to see Team GB stride out though. They looked so excited. What a great thing, to be taking part in representing your country in the country it's taking place. A wonderful experience.
The German minister whoever he was seemed to be Sieg Heiling (the arm signalling is what I mean but don't know the name of it) as the German team went by. I thought it very odd and inappropriate. Is this the way they still salute each other in Germany? I wonder if anyone else noticed. I must remember to ask.
Anyway, today that's done and dusted and I can retreat into oblivion from the Olympics for the weekend. It was amusing when Dr D and I were talking about not being engaged with teh Olympics and also similarly not liking Christmas. This coincided with someone talking about Marmite and either loving or hating it. I likened it to Christmas at which point C said she hated it but liked Christmas, and the Olympics. So in a quick mini survey we saw a correlation: Not linking Christmas, the Jubilee and the Olympic hype but loving Marmite and vice versa. We chuckled. So far we had a 100 per cent correlation.
The week has been lovely i the sense that PD, SH and I have been just getting on with everything. We know each other and know that we are all covered. But it's more than that. We synchronise our ways of working. There is room for individuality but also similarity. There is respect for each others skills and weaknesses. There is knowledge that we are all heading in the same direction. We respect one and other. There is organisation with what we are doing. Everyone knows where they stand. We will cover for each other without fretting.
I did feel reverberating fears and control. Amazing how powerful I can make a person. It's not dissimilar to my dad. In fact there are times when she has the voice of my dad in my head. Nothing but disdain for me and totally controlling. Gosh it's hard thinking of her returning and how soon it will be miserable once again.
However the wonderful news is that PD is getting more prepared to launch his new venture and he is talking more solidly about me joining him. We talked about salary and leave and getting accredited (which I am not sitting and completing at this very moment as I planned to do). It seems more certain even though it will depend on him getting the correct operating licence for the premises. He suggests all will be ready for me start either the beginning of Dec or Jan. Wow I am so relieved and also very excited. I just know we will have a good time as well as working hard to put everything into successful motion. I have a lot of faith in PD and oddly enough if it doesn't work I have faith that I will be OK. Now why don;t I have that from this situation now.
What is essential is that I leave on good terms with my employers. It would be good if that included L but I don't want to be a pain for F or others int eh company. I like the people within the company and want to make myself available to help out if necessary. I will need to word this very carefully. I think I would want to talk to F prior to talking to L and ? Oh blimey, what's his name? I think I'm having an increasing amount of memory blanks. What the hell is his name? N. Of course.
I would probably need a months notice but would offer longer and even could help out sessionally beyond that with Saturdays until Jan when my studies start in earnest. I am starting in September actually but it's a much shorter course and only 1 essay assignment. Thankfully no exam either.
It's been great catching up with fellowship folks. Little by little getting back into the routine of calling people and chatting about FA.
I put on my jeans this morning and they fit. They are no longer loose. I am glad on the healthy thinking side but I feel bloated and uncomfortable. This is as a result of now eating 6oz of grain per meal. I feel as if I am piling on size and weight. I am worried about this of course. I feel full after meals, uncomfortably so. I hope that when I've put on some weight and size then things can reduce again. It's not easy with an anorexic head though to determine if it's anorexia talking. So thank you God I totally trust the process. Even though my thinking is saying that my sponsor will say "let's stick as you are for the next week and see what happens." I DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!!! I want to have gained a little and then remove the extra grain amounts. It's a lot of bloody food I eat in a day. My lunch boxes are full to the brim lunch and dinner.
Breakfast
1oz oats
8oz fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit of 6oz berries
Lunch
4oz protein
6oz 1 variety of cooked veg
6oz mixed salad
6oz grain or potato
1 tablespoon dressing (1/2 oil 1/2 balsamic vinegar
6oz fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit or 6oz fruit
Dinner
4oz protein
6oz 1 variety of cooked veg
6oz mixed salad
6oz grain or potato
1 tablespoon dressing (1/2 oil 1/2 balsamic vinegar
1 piece of fruit
You try it. And this is the maintenance. I got down to 119.7. Which seems a long way beneath the lower end of the scale but in fact it's only 0.3oz. Eating as I am I don't feel so skinny. I was truly liking the feeling.
I had planned to get a new battery fitted in my watch but forgot to take it when I went food shopping. Anyway, I had been so late getting out of the door as a result of lots of phone calls and also my tiredness taking away any desire to move. Similarly this afternoon. It's lovely having a day out kinda day. I just do that every Saturday and really it's the only full day I have now as on Sunday I am part of the AWOL at 12:00 noon. It is a great time for it o the one hand and a bloody nuisance on the other hand.
I really need a hot drink and want a Tea Pigs Peppermint and Liquorice tea. However the liquorice is sweet and I wonder if it might be a trigger. However I will have another as I want it. Sometimes, someone said in a meeting, we have to be strong enough to say no to an idea before doing what's required and gradually coming together as one with all the underlying matters as well. Trust development. After all with a hidden mother she would not protect, not even comfort.
"Oh my gosh! The sudden realisation, that I am the eldest of the three of us. Therefore the story they are telling about adoption and stealing the baby back is probably about me! Unless they had to give the baby back and they don't ever talk about that bit." Could this be a good opening of a fictional story?
Chats with A have been nice this week. He has had some personal matters, not to mention a gratefully received increase in time because the admissions aren't coming in almost 24/7. The director of course needs full beds all of the time. But for all of us workers it's impossible to work at that pace and pressure. But A has some worries and I guess that's meant he wanted some time to talk them through. It must be so difficult being so far from home and family and friends and dealing with life matters alone. I hope I can offer a friendly ear. He has very kindly invited me to his home when he returns to Hungary. I am sure people wonder about us but they don't know he's gay. It's lovely to have a safe friendship with a man.
I am so sorry for his hurt. He's been so committed to this relationship and been earnest with it too. I relate to that so much. Giving of myself completely and then feeling so disappointed. And then I would act out, usually seeking another male outlet. This is what A seems to be doing too.
The thing is that it affects my equilibrium and my esteem. I feel guilty and ashamed. And disgusted with myself too.
I've been watching the latest series of Wallander,. Recommended by so many people for some reason I didn't get to see any of the series, English or Swedish. To be honest it may have been one of the first but it's all very familiar territory. I like Engregages because there was something quite different about it. A view of the way the legal system works, characters developed and the murder stories a way to expose all these other elements. This set of story lines seems a way to show his difficulty with his life. I guess I've missed the character development over the other series.
So what a dozy day. Phone calls. Lovely connections with people and then a stroll with Lady Lou then the supermarket and then lunch then a doze and then dinner and get ready for the meeting, with Wallander playing in the background. It doesn't hold my attention for some reason.
I haven't flipping well even opened the things for the accreditation. I have had some ideas for it though.
I've dressed for the meeting. Why? Just fancied wearing something a little bit dressier. And also just to be a little more attractive. What for or for whom? No one. Not attracted to anyone. Really? Well no not actually attracted but wanting to attract. Know what I mean? Wish I didn't feel I needed to. So instead lets turn this around and say that I wanted to dress just to use some of the clothes I rarely get to wear these days and I tend to choose to wear jeans. It's warm now so maybe I'll put on the long dress after all. Yes.
Bliss
XX
