Irretrievable loss

Women seem to deal with loss and grieve better than men it seems to me. Men don't seem to have a clue.
Loss seems a death to men is about losing and it makes men want to get even. There is anger. And get back at something or someone when there's nothing to really gain.

It seems that some people really liked my dad. The way his step daughters spoke about him.

How can I help anyone in my job without being a trained wife, daughter, partner, friend, human being.
It is different being a therapist, seeing someone else's lie is much easier with academic knowledge and training.

I learnt more about my father over the last years than I ever did beforehand.
Some things my dad did were just awful. But with T he seems to have done things that I just could not associate with my dad. Who was this man they talked about. A wicker coffin, a man who liked things he's never liked before. He was interested in things like the cinema and cruising when he wasn't before.
I had thought he was disregarding my mother somehow.
He chose this new life.
He chose other people when I was younger, other women, lies and not my mum and I. I thought for as long as I know that he didn't like me. He didn't like very much at all. He thought things I liked were pointless. I thought things he did were awful and his interests futile. And yet I looked up to him
Not everyone makes a good parent. My dad always said he would not make a good parent and didn;t ant to be a parent.
I guess he did the best he could with all the deficits of his own childhood and adulthood.
It's not me being defective but circumstances. I was not a bad person. I have to say that again - I was not a bad person as I believed I was.
I only really have learnt anything about myself - selfishly focused? I have been working on me and the sadness I wasn't able to be changed enough to really really make amends to my dad. I would have wanted him to know that I had changed and there were some things that really were still troublesome for me. Men.
I did say to him as he was struggling to breathe that I didn't understand what it had all been about. At that time I was still feeling the victim. I don't now. I took so much difficulty to his door simply because we were so different.
He didn't seem to hear me. He was unconscious at that time. They say hearing is the last thing to go. Maybe he heard me and knew I was there. I think I said sorry. I say sorry now dad.
I swear I felt his presence and a whisper in my ear of a mans voice saying sorry. I was falling asleep leaning on G but I heard it. It was before the reading of the Will and it was at the reading that I realised the sorry was for his disinheritance of me. He didn't come through for me. I didn't come through for him either.
It seems all so futile now.
I don't have anything of his that represents these last years. It would be something to hold onto as I try to let go oh him gradually a I did with my mum. Instead I have to do this in a more abstract way. He's dead and gone.
There is no time left. I see that clearly now. Time is precious and it's irretrievable.
I wanted him to say something meaningful to me and all he did was tell me off and feign sleep to get rid of me.
I wish I had been able to say something far more meaningful to me. I wished I had been able to ask him if he actually loved me. I wanted to ask him if he liked me at all, ever.
I should have been there more often - I was afraid. I was afraid of him doing and bein nasty to me.
I was afraid that after a litime of hating him he would be suddenly okay with me. If he could love me ... then what. It didn;t mean anything after all these years I suppose.
He hadn't been able to just accept me as I was. And so we were so far apart.
I remember the day I was about to get married and he said soething about not having to go through with it. I was too scared as I thought about the congregation, mum etc. I wish I had said that I was too scared for those reasons. I wonder what he would have said and done.
People say my fatherloved me and he did what he did. How do people know that?? I don;t think he did even though he said it. I loved him and hated him.
I can be the father to myself now. Really? But I don't know how to be the father I wanted to have!!
If a client asks me about me and my father I can say "I'm a therapist - what do you think?" and laugh.

Bliss
XX




 

Control

Control is related to FEAR.

I must remember that when I feel I am being controlled. I think it a lot. It often sounds to me as if people are telling me what to do. Gosh do I react! I disagree, I get quite bolshy and defensive or I openly and sharply say the opposite. I feel it in me. I tense up.
I wonder if my reflections on being left alone from a little girl after school was anything to do with it. I used to do whatever I wanted really and then my parents would return and the rules of behaviour would suddenly be harsh compared with the previous hours of utter freedom. Confusing when I describe it. I remember SC pointing this out to me. It made sense. And now I wonder if it's been a part of this aversion to people seeming to tell or suggest. Also I think my dad was very manipulative. He would say things like "you're over doing it" because he wanted me to do what he wanted to do. Instead of stating his needs he would try to control. I've thought this of G too.
When I think people don't consider that I might know something I feel really pissed off with them - yes it's anger but whats the word. It's stronger than irritated.
What is this in me. I need top practise listening. It's worth listening and not reacting. Take things in.
G said that it was difficult to talk to me. I thought it was because I wasn't doing what he was suggesting and I thought what he was suggesting was because he didn't like what I was doing.
Another divorce resulted. But there was truth. The thing is I wasn't liking things he was doing or feeling that the relationship is the way I want things to be in my life. No doubt he would pick up on that.
There are so many layers in all of this. People with people.
I've always had to answer to my parents' judgement of me which I think was often misjudged. Yes some it was based on my terrible attitude and distorted ways as my "illness" was developing, ripening.
But there is control is this on my behalf too. Fear of being compliant, fear of losing self, fear of being controlled, fear of ??????
I'm not sure really what's going on but there is something.
With FA ad my sponsor I get really cross with being told what to do. Sometimes it's just about being liked and loved anyway for doing it my way and making mistakes. Does that me a bad person? I am very self-willed. I don't like disappointing people or annoying people but sometimes I think that's there stuff to deal with and just let me get on with it. But there's ego and selfishness in that. I must think about the consequences more and establish what I'm comfortable with as an outcome whatever it might be. Then I take or can make more informed choices. BUT let the outcome be whatever it is. Don' try and control it.
I do try and control outcomes by being people pleasing. I don't want people to think badly of me so I compromise myself. I lose a sense of what it is I really want.
It is such a muddle sometimes it feels too difficult to unpick.
So Universe I need your help is understanding and then please show me how to be and what to do for the very best of everyone concerned. I really mean it. Please give me courage where there's fear to follow you. I don't think that's always the easiest route but I would like to take it nonetheless. I don't want to stop living life though to do it.
So perhaps it is simply that I am going with the flow. I am not doing anything to harm anyone and if I could be upfront and honest then I am less likely to do that. I think Ga will be disappointed with me as I have gone against her suggestion. That's all it was and yet it sounded like an order.
Right then ...

I've done little about anything this morning. Does it really matter?
Probably not. I've had a relaxing morning and feel a lot better than I have done over the past few weeks. It's been building to a crescendo that I think erupted with me angrily presenting my case to Auntie O. It was not well delivered. It's what happens when I'm driven by anger.
So the truth is out there more and more now.

Gosh this song resonates. Not with the long ago blues. I've got the blues for love itself I think.

Still Got The Blues (For You) Gary Moore

Used to be so easy to give my heart away
But I found out the hard way
There's a price you have to pay
I found out that love was no friend of mine
I should have known time after time

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy to fall in love again
But I found out the hard way
It's a road that leads to pain
I found that love was more than just a game
You're playin' to win
But you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I've seen your face
Here in my heart, there's an empty space
Where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you.

Bliss
XX
 

Fiery Rage

Last night I didn't know what to do with my fury. This morning I feel calm and relieved.
One moment I felt numb and wondered what all the drama was about and the next I was raging and stomring both mentally and physically. These ewere emotions I would once have driven at dangerously fast speeds into London grabbing any friend I could convnice to "party" with me. I would drink and rug and flirt dangrously with a man or men never rally knowing what might happen. I had no other way of venting and didn't even lknow then that I was raging.
Last night I thought about that or food or anything to get away from the enormity of the feelings.
What had happened? Well With great courage I called T to say that I'd like to visit my dad the next day. I was fearful and hesitated several times before being able to find the courage to call. Afraid of a reaction and then that becoming a big deal and upsetting my dad who is bloody well dying. Sure enoug she sounded sramatic, lots of gasps of air and sigs. Saying Please Pamela not tomorrow. I was shocked and said OK. I was angry but acceptant. But then her daughter D called and explained that my dad had quite a horrible return to the house just that afternoon. Of course this morning I can understand more clearly that T is probably realising that he is actually dying when she sounded before to be in completel denial, saying that he was perking up and when he got home all would be well. NOw she has all this equipment everywhere, a hospital bed downstaiors and strange nurses will be coming and going. He is very very unwell. So I understand the need to adjust. But at the same time she is quite mean wanting to keep me out of the loop and not visit.
D explained that my dad is not eating or drinking again and is in quite a lot of discomfort. Perhaps today he may feel more settled, who knows. But D suh=ggested I definitely visit whatever her mother says. I think people know what T is like. I WILL visit whether she and he want or not. I will not stay long and I won't cause a fuss. I will do my hurting outside of their presence. A I do not wat to give them any more fodder for their unjyust feelings towards me. I an understand that T has probably been fed with all sorts of negativity about me. B I want to be as gracious as I can be.
G is not the person to share my anger with  but I can hopefully share my hurt and the sorrow I feel as I see my pitiful father.
I am abstinent with my food. Drink is a passing thought of course. But destructive thoughts are still very powerful. I did none of these things. I texted furiously to a small number of trusted friends. None of whom tried to fix but could hear my emotions and gave beuatiful suggestions back
I distracted through FB for a while when I had considered breifly a spell on SL. Now that's destructive for me.
I texted a few unnecessaries as well but that's okay. It wasn't risque texts - straight talking.
And then I went to sleep. I woke int he early hours but this is happening as per a pattern recently. I am clumsier than usual too and forgetful, not really seeing things clearly. I think this is a mix of hormonal shifts as well as the worries ad sadness and death of my dad.
I am furious of course that she T will inherit anything at all that was my mums. And in turn her duaghters will inherit. They are benefitting because of my mum. How fucking unjust!!
I have to let go. I just have to find acceptance about this.

So amazing. I was aware. I didn;t want to fuel the rage as I think G would have me do. He is so pent up with his own rages that he cannot see why i wouldn't want to be myself. He wants to use that rage to make his point and get justice. It doesn't work that way for me. I want to step away from the rage. Show up and make my point with grace and love in my heart. It is unjust but it will not be any better by screaming and shouting. I might get my way but with bad feelings all round. That is not winning.
I really believe this more and more and can challenge the idea that I'm neing walked all over. I am not. I can scream and shout. I have in the past but this is a choice not to. Instead it means that others seem as if they get their way. They do and it can seem unfair but I can learn to be gracious and trust that justice is done at a higher level than I can ever understand.
I love and trust this is correct for me.
Thank you Universe and thank you for all the wonderful people in my life today and every day so far of my life.
Bliss
XXX

Smelly armpits and four slashed tyres

A man is in my life!
G. I've mentioned him of course. We started talking some months ago at AA meetings. And rapidly but not so too it has developed into spending more and more time and reaching sexual intimacy.
In my mind I know that it's risky. I know that I am full fo self-will, insecurity and not so loving of myself enough to really be entering into a relationship.
Already I am aware of things I am tolerating without respecting my real thoughts and feeloings. One is his friendship with Mrs Elstead. I do respect anyone's choice of friends. However, this is more than friendship. She is a woman he has deep fondness for, in his own words. She is a woman he has had an affair with. To him it's necessary to come to acceptance of being the other person in a relationship. For me that's not okay. So I am sucking that to see. I know if was a friend I would be saying that it's not self respecting. I only actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is unatteched elsewhere. In some ways it's convenient though as there then is less of an attachment. I'm not really see this is in a fully conceived concept. I know it's there. His relationship with her means I do not have to be so fully committed. Interesting but not healthy in the greater scheme of things. Intimacy and commitment seem interlinked to work healthily. By commitment I do not mean to a lifetime. I mean on a daily basis working towards the same direction. Lovingly and respectfully and with no outside distractions as temptation to avoid intimacy and commitment.
There is also the fact that G does not want to work to earn money. I do not judge him for that. I am perfectly at ease with it. However, there is a degree of knowledge from my own experience that whilst it's nice in the semse of not having to be responsible to routine, it's also not good for self-esteem and self care. I was able to alter my lifestyle to suit the circumstances but being able to work to afford the things I enjoy despite having to be cautious, well it's satisfying. It goes overboard for some people. It goes to the point of imbalance, earning, earning, earning. It can seem justified too. Needing to work ferociously to be able to afford lovely things. True! But what about a balanced work or activity life so that other things like relaxation, friends, interests, etc have room for breathing too. This all evasive thing called balance. Anyway there is the other extreme of simply investing in relaxation. Avoiding turning up for one's potential in a way. Limiting the horizons but acoiding all stressors too. The stressors will find a way of manifesting regardless because if anyone is remotely like me I will create the stress. It's almost a default position. As I have faced the world more and more my strength to stressors has increased. I used to think I couldn't be out there because I was so anxious and stressed. Wrong. I can be out there and with support find ways through the stress. The stressors exist everywhere.
And as a result I have some things in my life that I work hard to be able to enjoy. The stressor is not having enough money to be able to do more.
So last week, I was visiting G at his second home, Mrs Elsteads home. He said one evening that he wanted to sleep with me. We had talked at length about issues with sex itself. We talked about skin on skin, which G now calls his skin on skin therapy.
We then were talking very openly about our lives as children at the hands of neglect and abuse. Afterwards G was very angry with me. He became angry it seems when I was asking him to stop being furious with my dad. He was cursing and saying what he wanted to do or me to do. How many times have I been in that situation and these feel I create it. I also realise that I was tapping into a lot of his own anger. I think and it's only a theory because I think G would accuse me of being a therapist, that having made himself so vulnerable to me he need to lash out at me and push me away. Apparently when I said that I felt hurt and sad, it was like a wake up call for him. I said that I knew he did not want to hurt me but at times just people interacting can be hurtful without there being any intention of it. It seemed to bring him back though and that was the night we ended up sleeping together, no sex. I had already felt incredibly sneaky by the cat I was meeting him in Mrs Elsteads house when she and her husband were away. Her being married did not make it better but worse, My principles these days do not involve cheating on people.
However, I am being dishonest with B, my sponsor, too. I still have not told her about having had contact, let alone the fact that we are now sleeping with each other and having sexual intimacy on a regular, evening by evening ad day by day basis. I am on leave and he is a free agent. So he is staying here, every day and ever night. I like it. But it is disrupting my studying and contact with friends and fellows from FA.
It is what I would call those early days of total plunge. Indulgence in a way. Which if it was being supported by friends then it would be less of a total absorption into each other. But I have not told anyone. It's shame. Not at all of him. I like G enormously and what we've been doing. He is a handsome, intelligent, humorous man. He is gentle and conscious, as much as is possible in stages. But importantly he is working at consciousness and mindfulness. He is considerate and generous with time and money, despite his financial status. How anyone can afford to shop at Waitrose is beyond me. I feel a cheapskate and plebby really only affording Lidl's. However, Lidl's is okay. And whilst they are less concerned with packaging and perfectly shaped, coloured fruit and veg, their produce is probably no better grown. It's just more polished to convince people they are buying healthier. A lot of people buy healthier in this image but don't actually eat healthily or look after their bodies other than what they purchase. That's ironic.
Anyway, there is a lot of talk between us. I love that G introduces me to new topics and interests. Anyone that knows me well will know that that is the most intoxicating aphrodisiac for me. Alongside humour. He is charming is many ways. I like that. But boy he's angry too. He talks of meditation nd becoming conscious. But also in opposition to my desire to head towards forgiveness and love for example with my dad, I think I understood that he wants to hold onto the anger towards his neglectors and abusers. What a bloody world this is. When I listen to his story I am so sad and angry for him.

This was unfinished writings but complete in the sense things have moved on since then (added 21 Oct)
Bliss
XX 

Slurry slurry sleep

Well good day.
What a week!
Yesterday I attended the FA meeting in Abcurch Street. St Mary's Church actually. A beautiful church apparently designed by Sir Christopher Wren if I remember correctly. I met with H who has been visiting from Melbourne Australia. She was here for her Step 5. We share the same sponsor.
after the meeting and lunch with everyone we went off to the National together, H and I. She chose the impressionists. It was good actually to visit again and take even more in. Nothing is done I realise. H studied art history for her degree. How lucky she was. I want to study art history at some point. She was saying that the impressionists were not friendly with each other. How sad.



Pisarro - Boulevard Montmartre at Midnight.

The Van Gogh paintings were stupendous brought to life through another persons eyes. I wish I was an origicnal viewer but I am appreciating the enlightenment through someone else's experiences. She stopped and looked deeply at the paintings. The sunflowers were striking. The thickness of the paint making them seem all the more real and dense with aliveness. I wanted to touch them. And the Wheatfield - well it was sawaying and the sky swirling. I bought a copy but it's so flat. No screen or copy can actually reporoduce what I saw and felt in the presence of the real thing.

Van Gogh - Wheatfield with Cypresses.

There were so many I truly loved. It was better seeing just this one section although over several rooms. It was easier to digest more. I think A and I did too much but am glad to have been able to go back. I should just keep going to the National. G said he'd quite like to go as well.

The evening with G was tumultuous for me. It seems that when I express my thoughts and machinations I communicate it in such a way that it feels accusational to G. I want to be aware of his sensitivity. I want to talk too much maybe, share my insecurities too much? Who knows. My first insecurity rush was when he was talking about his visit with Mrs E. I realise he is very attached. It seemed more so than ever having had a pleasant visit with her. Probably that feeling was lingering when after sex I noticed a change in him. He wasn't looking at me in the same way. I felt scared and expressed my fear as best as I knew how. It seems he was feeling the villain. This was a sensitive time as with his issues with sex and mine too there was always room for danger. I have such strong feelings for him now. Yes already. I feel love and terror of his withdrawal from me now as I will hurt incredibly. It is possible of course. The risk I take. And of course all too soon I am sure some FA'ers will say. The difficulties are evidence of that perhaps. But I wonder if it's possibly the best thing that could happen to me and it's too difficult to let that pass me by. All his eagerness though cannot be sustained on the passion alone. He will not want to work because of him and yesterday or Friday I can't remember which he was wanting to because he was feeling eager. He wants to tell Mrs E the truth. He says whatever happens between him and I he will tell her. I was worried that this was also in the newness and eagerness. But as that enthusiasm wanes will he still want to. I have such negative thinking. It's very hard to separate the truth from the then made up truth in my had. My thinking is loaded with negative expectations. And I see clearly where the drive is from. My flipping childhood and ensuing experiences. It is my belief from experiences that men have their satisfaction and then withdraw. When they are wanting then they promise the earth and mean it. Later they withdraw all of that but in the meantime I am hopeful and adoring and waiting for their promises to be met.
I think I distort everything too. Maybe not everything but some things.
We are two very fragile children meeting in a grown up world.
It ended last evening with G unable to say whether he was staying or not. He wasn't able to reassure me and I wanted reassurance that he loved me and wasn't leaving me and also I wanted holding. Later we cuddled and then had sex again. He believes that the negative spell has been broken. I wanted to take that slowly in case he puts pressure on himself again.
Gosh it was up and down. It feels really tentative. I am not sure if I can take the ups and downs but also don't want it to finish. Part of me thinks he should sort out his situation with Mrs E, tell her and see if it's truly worth it. I don't want to be the other woman in any shape or form. I want to be his number one woman. I think he said I am. The point is there is a part of him that is emotionally engaged there. He didn't tell her yesterday and there is no time limit when he will. I wonder if he ever will. I am not sure how long I want to wait. I will go along with this for now. As for the issues I have with sex and love, well I don't know if he wants to deal with that with his own issues with sex and love. He said I need a rock. He is not it. I just needed his help in that moment. He was unable to offer it straight away and then I wonder if what was offered later on was real. The doubts and the negative thinking. And all probably being fuelled by our extreme tiredness. We are crazy kids staying up until the early hours of the morning. This morning it was about 5 am.
I still have not completed my assignment. And I'm back to work tomorrow. I do not want to return to work. It's just her and I as S is away herself now. I hear the noise pollution just thinking of the office. The great news I am off again in the middle of November - for a exam! And then hopefully I finish on 18th December. I start my new job with P on the 1st January. I am very much looking forward to that.
With G for me when its good its great! When its difficult I am in turmoil. If I were to say that I feel it's so fragile right now he might be on the run. I need guidance and don't have that fully at the moment  because I am not speaking with any FA'ers about it.
I need support. At least I told H and it was very interesting when she asked me how I am experiencing Step 3 in this. I think it's on many levels. But what I see clearly si the dishonesty. I am not being honest and handing it over. By that I mean I am not being honest with my sponsor for fear that she will not wish to work with me. I value her input on my recovery and would like her to support this journey I want to embark upon. I would be tentative in being honest with her all the way down the line for fear of her thinking "I told you so" or along those lines with every difficulty. But I so think this is my experience of not trusting in God. God please help me to be entirely honest with her. I need her to know everything.
I can start by calling her and asking if she would be prepared to continue sponsoring me if I were to enter in this relationship with G. Eyes wide open wth lots of issues between us but feeling worthe the effort to explore. What if it's the best thing that could ever happen to me? I know there is the alternative of waiting and seeing in October next year. And if he really does love me then he would be prepared to wait. It's already gone beyond that now though. I have invited him in and she needs to know that. It's wither right in now or right out I guess. It's moving fast. I think he feels trapped a little.
That's what I feel about the real world suddenly being involved. We have had a week of Disneyland really. I have done nothing but focus on him and vice versa.
Anyway Step Three - I am not handing over to God that alternative option. To wait. If I take the commitment and hand it over to God then I don't get what I think I want right now. God is this the right path to follow. Please show me. Was yesterday a taster of how things can go badly between us. Are you showing me just how ready I am not? God please show me clearly and this may mean the hurt stepping in I guess as G steps out maybe. Gosh I so don't want that.
Are you showing me things that I am choosing to ignore, such as the trip to Haslemere when he became anxious and angry and looked unattractive in his feelings. Then showing me the handsome free version too. And then the fragility and withdrawal - are you showing me something about him or me that should not continue but will? And the situation with Mrs E. This is you showing me something too? Please God help me see through my selfish wants, my self-will.
On the otherhand it's not wrong. I seem to choose the rocky paths. I learn from them I suppose each time but maybe not the greater picture? Is there more to learn by not entering into this? I suppose there's more room to focus on just me instead of me in a relationship. He's prepared to go to Relate sometimes. I am prepared to go too. It would be helpful to have someone hear the individual negativity. I am not very good at making myself clear as I become accusational in my defensiveness. My Fear is enormous. My lack of trust is enormous. God help me to believe and trust.
So I am in Step Three but my experinece is the difficulty of truly handing everything over. I get confused with thinking that means doing it someone else's way. That is another humans ideas. I can see the point of handing the food over to the FA way. But as I think about it is only an idea which so far is working for me. My weight is stabilising and I feel better about my body than I have ever felt. I know it will still be the same tomorrow so long as I stick with the food plan given to me by my sponsor. Now why do I trust that as gospel and not the commitment to no relationships until my AWOL has finished? I heard that said in the tape I was listening to. She did take on the suggestion not to make the change she wanted to make with her relationship.  So did K. I haven't. It's a sign I suppose just how compelling this relationship desire is for me. Meet a man I like and I want him. Bugger the commitment I made. Is this addiction? And how to find out what is addiction and not in the same way with the food. Approaching this in a balanced measured way. Food is necessary a relationship isn;t for survival. G saw that last evening. He mentioned the withdrawal of alcohol but the difficulty with food. He was touching on that relationship addiction thing. Where is the intimacy when there's addiction at play? Is it addiction or is it real? My feelings appear real to me. I want to beliee everything he says is truth and real.
Phew it's complex. I am in a whir. I am scared he's going. I am scared it's purely addiction and lust in me or in him. God is this a sign to follow the rocky or apth or leave it now. You are giving me choices. The step three then comes back to handing it all over to You and that means honesty with my sponsor and other FA'ers.
God guide me please. Thank you.
Bliss
XX

ps - amidst all of this would you believe it CY sends me a text with Steve Harley lyrics -
"Don't you know, life gets tedious enough
Without this extra grudge to bare"

Now I was aware it was lyrics and found the song. But I wondered why out of the blue and when entering into another relationship this should happen. I was tempted to reply but haven't. I wanted him to know I found the lyrics but in such a way he thought I was a musical genius to know. I would ahte it if G was responding to something so potentially tempting and loaded witha  torrid past however fast and furious it was.  Uh uh. I do not want that at all.
I value G and I see his vulnerability and love that in him as much as it can also trigger difficulties for me. I am afraid thought that it is his vulnerability that has made ne feel safe and when not vulnerable I feel scared to death. Scared he is going with his confidence in tact. What about me me me?



The entire song ...
Mr. Soft, turn around and force the world

To watch the things you're going through

Mr. Soft, believe everything they tell you

And be dammed if they'll thank you

You paint everything so cruel,

Coming on like Mr. Cool;

Paint your face and shut the gate,

No one's coming home till late

Don't you know, life gets tedious enough

Without this extra grudge to bare

You, so slow, shift your ideas, make your mind up

In a jiffy, let' s be fair

We'll be taking off tonight,

Turn off your eyes and shut the light,

You're the most, you're so unreal,

We'd all be dead without your spiel!

Mr. Soft, go to town and bring the dawn in,

In the morning on your way

Mr. Soft, put your feet upon the water

And play Jesus for the day

You begin to hear them mumble,

Spot the Starman, rough-and-tumble,

Fight the good fight, sling your axe,

Watch the speaker lead the packs
 

Extraordinary, sublime and divine me

Does that sound extravagant and arrogant?
I think not. And by being so it does not mean that every other person isn't. Each of us are. We just need to take a peek to see that part of us without forgetting that others are too. This is surely the path that joins worthlessness with arrogance?
The Universe offered to remove the veil briefly for me to see this part of me. If I can see it in me then I can see it in others. And that's the marvel. Thank you Universe, thank you God.

And thank you God for getting my accreditation to a nearly completed first draft. From here it should be much easier to get it completed. I might have to apply a day to it. And then 2 whole days to catching up with my studies.
I feel a light at the end of the tunnel that has been distant and even around a corner so as to be unseen.
I attended my driver awareness training an wish to be more present when driving and careful. I have booked my car service and organised the borrowing of JB's car. He's so generous and helpful.
I have let PD know about the conversation at work regarding referrals. I was uncomfortable with my fear-filled response to L. And handed it back to her to speak with PD but I wanted him to know the situation beforehand.
I have started clearing away a few things in the lounge. I have booked a haircut at last.
I will call my dad later this evening between the end of groups and Aftercare.

Yes things are getting there..... and I can claim my life as B said this morning.
I know that I can be worthy of choosing the right people in my life. I am not sure yet how this bodes with friends I have. There is no reason for my friendship to lessen but I don't need to pander to the friendships in the areas that they don't meet. I like the people nonetheless. I don't feel quite so needy that's all.

There is of course more to write about all of this but for today I am feeling at ease with myself and all the issues that I am faced with.
They have not gone away - concern for my dad, sadness about our relationship, concern about finances and how to afford everything I want to do yet knowing I can adjust things to afford what I need. I have concerns for AB, she is more paranoid and less active. She is drinking heavily. I find it so sad to see it all going to pot. Oddly enough with RB gathering weight so is AB. She lost masses when RB was losing. It's such a dysfunctional dynamic.
I have pain in my side. Apparently it could be sciatica. no doctor has considered that or mentioned it before. Interesting. I think it has to be something much more deadly to be worthwhile.

So I shall continue doing some preparation study - already some way behind the schedule

Bliss
XX

The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde

Gosh! What a story. Why is it that when a loyal friend dies it is heart breaking?
I would like to tell you this story. I will only be summarising it.
A swallow fell in love with a reed. And all Summer amidst his fellow peers, he courted the reed. Flying low over the water and creating silvery circles with a light touch of his wing.
It soon became time for the swallows to move to warmer climates and his friends encouraged the swallow to travel to Egypt with them. But he was in love with the reed and said that he would stay with her.
As time passed he became tired of the reed accusing her of being a coquette ad flirting constantly with the wind. He was also bored as she did not speak with him and share ideas. Ad so he decided to set off to join his fellows in Egypt.
As the night feel he decided to settle on a ridge to sleep and just as he was tucking his head under his wing a drop of water fell on him. He was perturbed, looking at the clear night sky and bright stars wondering how it could be raining and so tried to settle again. He felt another drop of water and complained about the pointlessness of a statue that didn't shelter him from the rain. And when he looked up what did he see there. The statue of the Happy prince was crying from his sapphire eyes.
H stated his complaint to the Happy Prince who explained that he had been living in a beautiful palace with his family where sorrow wasn't permitted and so he was named the Happy Prince. The Happy Prince recounted " and happy indeed I was if pleasure be happiness. And so I lived and so I died. And now they have set my up here high above the city so that I can all the ugliness and misery ...". (This suddenly gave a different sense of what contributes to happiness - happiness includes taking pleasure from things but is not exclusive to this). As a statue he said that he could see sorrow even with his heart of lead. When he died the courtiers set him up on these high pillars in all splendour of jewels and gold to commemorate the Happy Prince. His eyes had been turned to sapphires and his clothes were a splendour of gold. His gold leafed sword hung from his belt and was studded with the most beautiful ruby brought from India.
The Happy Prince told the swallow about a very poor, sad woman who's son was very ill with fever and crying for oranges but all his mother could bring him was water. He asked the swallow to remove the ruby from his sword and take it to the woman so that she can afford to buy oranges to help her weeping son. At first the swallow resisted the request saying that he needed to rest as he was going to Egypt tomorrow. The Happy Prince asked him to stay just one night and help him with this task. The swallow conceded and did as the Happy prince asked.
Of course the woman was overjoyed and thankful. The swallow returned to the Happy prince and said how on this cool evening he suddenly felt very warm and joyful in his heart. (And of course this is another contributory factor in finding happiness). The swallow was curious about his warmth and the Happy Prince said it was because he'd done a good action.
Each evening this went on, with The Happy Prince asking the swallow to deliver various jewels from him and deliver to people in need. Each time the swallow resisted slightly but agreed to stay one more night.
He flew around the city and was recognised as a very distinguished visitor and felt good about this.
There was a student in his garret unable to finish a play but was too cold too write and he was so hungry he felt faint. The swallow with his good heart agreed to stay just one more night. The Happy Prince asked him to take one of his sapphire eyes. The swallow delivered the sapphire and the student believed that someone was beginning to appreciate his work and now he could make a fire and complete his play.
The next evening asking the swallow to stay one more night. The swallow complained that it was winter and too cold. The Happy Prince talked of a little match girl in the square. She has dropped her matches and this will mean her father will beat her and there was no food. The swallow didn't want to take his last sapphire as the Happy prince would then be quite blind. However the Happy prince insisted and so the swallow did as he was bid.
Returning to the Prince he said he would stay with him always as the Prince was now blind. He sat by day telling the prince of his stories of his travels. The Prince asked him to fly over the city and tell him what he saw. He saw the rich making money whilst the poor sat at the gates starving and he saw black corners with the listless hungry looking out at the streets.
Under the archway of a bridge too little boys lay together trying to keep each other warm. The watchman turfed them away. He told the Prince who said the swallow must take off leaf by the leaf the covering on him. The happy prince became quite dull and grey. The poor became rosier and were no longer hungry.
With the cold and the frost coming the swallow grew colder and colder and tried to keep warm by flapping his wings. He knew he was going to die but had enough strength to fly up to the Prince to say goodbye. The Prince though he meant to go to Egypt. The prince asked him to kiss him on the lips for he loved him.
He said he was dying and that death was the brother of sleep.
There was then the sound of a curious crack and the fact was that the leadened heart of the prince had broken and snapped in two.
The mayor was in the square below the next morning. As he looked up at the statue he remarked on how shabby the Happy prince looked - in fact he is little better than a beggar. And he saw that there was a dead bird at his feet proclaiming that birds should no longer be allowed to die here.
The professor at the university said that as he was no longer beautiful he was no longer useful.
So they decided to put the statue in a furnace and decided what was to be done with the metal. The mayor said that they should replace the statue with a statue of himself.
What a strange thing - the broken lead heart would not melt in the furnace and threw it on a dust heap where the dead bird was lying.
God said to his angels bring me the most precious things in the city. The angels brought him the leaden heart and the dead bird.
God said that in his garden of paradise the little bird shall sing forever more and in the city of gold the Happy prince shall praise me.



G talked about this fairy tale and also the Selfish Giant both by Oscar Wilde. G is quite an extraordinary man and is interesting to talk with. I like it when people can introduce me to new things. He told me that when he read this he cried. I cried in my heart although not actually tears. I can feel the pain just as I did with the Velveteen Rabbit, That connectedness of love between tow unlikely beings. And the injustice of death and loss. It seems so unfair when they had bonded through adversity.
But more than this I can see in this story ways in which happiness is an action from within. Doing things despite oneself and because one can. Doing things for other people and bringing joy to them. Taking care of others when there are so many that cannot or will not. All that kindness and generosity and love. And yet there are so many striving for happiness through pomp and self gain. They appear happy and untroubled but I think they are blinded by their "things" and their ego. They cannot see beneath the surface of themselves and their leadened hearts.
It is heartening that God takes them into the garden of Paradise. And by this I don't know if there is such a place. If it is actual or not. But what I do know is that they died with true happiness, with love and achievement and fulfilment.
I was wondering what it is in me that I feel so sad for their passing. The Happy Prince died with a broken heart. The swallow died for his love of the Prince. is that just the way of things? I suppose it is. His time was up. But I'm thinking that if he'd gone to Egypt sooner he would have lived longer. But in living longer he would have missed out of the happiness of togetherness and love with the prince and the warmth of heart in doing good things for people in need. He would not have shared his experiences and memories like he did with the Prince. I can see that the happiness is there and is a culmination of many things. But that sadness that I feel? Ad the fact that people who are taking and have things even live longer, it all seems so unjust. Yet those people never get a to feel the way the swallow and the Prince felt. They can often by-pass those beautiful soulful things.
It's a battle and it's the battle I've had for a long time. Reconciling that sense of injustice, why bad things happen to good people and vice versa it seems. It's a lifelong project to make sense of and I probably never will until I die.
It is how it is.

Then there is the issue of G. I have enjoyed mulling over ideas. I am uncertain as to his motives and perhaps I need to be clear about my motives rather than concerning myself with what he is wanting or not. I can get easily sucked into the excitment of attention. And I need totake stock of this. Three have been the texts and now this has progressed to phone calls and they are late at night and lengthy. So we are simply mulling over ideas and that's very likely all it is for him. However for me it can mean anything. And this I need to be aware of. It creates unmanageability as well. One, there is the wondering and that in itself causes problems of not telling people that I am wondering because in fact I do not fancy him for what he presents overall. I can see he was probably once an attractive man but today he has a well lived in face and one tired from drinking and angst. Two, his financial situation is not at all sound. Three, his sense of self care shows thourhg his standard of dressing, i.e. dirty old trainers. That may sound fickle but he doesn't present himself as someone who is taking care of himself. However, to get to know as a friend is OK. Within that I need to be boundaried. I cannot talk for hours late into the night. Unlike him I do work and do have studies and need to sleep. I cannot spend hours ad hours chatting as much as I'd like to. I also am not in any way wanting any kind of relationship. So I need to be better around this. If I cannot tell people then I muct not do it.
So from now on how do I set boundaries God without being rude and rejecting him especially as he said that the slightest glance away would be received by him as rejection of him. I want to be thoughtful and that would have meant knowing this in the first place.
He has been in fellowship about 25 years and when I asked how long without drink, he said he struggled for many of them. I understood this to mean drinking and when I asked how long he said 24 3/4. So now I don't know how long he has actually been abstinent and there are times when I wondered if he'd had a drink.
He has been very honest with me abnout events and behaviours within his life and within his drinking and that is something I feel very honoured to have heard. I do not want to create a bad feeling and yet I need to be boundaried.
Please God can you guide me here for the best of me and my well-being and for him and his well-being.
Thank you God. I trust you will show me how from a position of love and compassion.

You know what is attractive about him? His depth of thought, his openness to discuss these sorts of things, the way he draws from little things like films and fairy tales (it appears that he is a man with emotional awareness then), his obvious intelligence, his wit and his laugh. These things are the things that I am drawn to in him. They are there and very real but they are all it is. I need to keep that realistic otherwise I can end up sucked into something blinded by these few things without seeing the bigger picture. And then I feel ashamed of the person because I am ashamed of my selection. I feel ashamed for what I choose that is not good enough for me.
Does that make sense?
It's not the person I'm ashamed of at all. I make no judgement on the person and all those things pale into insignificance anyway so long as I keep in mind that I am not enetering into anything more than friendship.
Of course I make a judgement on what is OK for me but not in a judgement as in right or wrong of them. Am I amking that clear? I probably need some clarification with other people. I know what I mean. I hope someone else will understand me. I do not crticise any individual in my judgement, it is merely of what meets with my own needs and principles that I am judging on.
It wasn't like that in the past though.

Bliss
XX



 

On the tempest

I pray that I an let the tempest pass by without trying to fight it off and then observe. I believe that I will see it pass and whatever it changes will be OK.
I was nearly drawn into the tempest when speaking with a friend yesterday. I was explaining all that I had been through this week, emotionally. I was already slightly heckled as they had commented that I had been silent for a few days so that must have meant something was going on. She hadn't and doesn't call me anyway. It is me that maintains the talking contact I feel. I rarely receive a call from her. Do I say something or do I let it pass? Because it really grates on my nerves when I receive comments like that. How do I let it go? Should I let it go?
I don't make much contact with A or L and there is never any comment about the amount of contact. I do wonder when I might hear from A but it sort of rises up and then I let it go for a while until it rises up again. I will call and leave a message for her.
What has arisen for me is connected with my dad. I was aware that with a niggling need to have contact with JH and D there was something bubbling underneath. I even knew that it was more than likely connected with my dad but I had been and still am but not entirely disconnected from the feelings. When I get in touch with the feelings I feel sad and weepy.  Talking with V the other evening really got me in touch with these emotions.
I prayed yesterday and this morning. I asked God to help him find peace in his soul. It may not be the case but I have a feeling that my dad is terrified of the other side of mortality. I pray to God that he does not have to die with an agonised soul. Peace and freedom is what I pray for for my dad. And for T, his wife too. I genuinely mean it from heart and my own soul. The devil in me can still think nasty thoughts. I want to banish those thoughts and so turn away from them and pull in the goodness even tighter.
I am sad that he doesn't want me. And that realisation came to me when talking about not wanting these men but wanting to be wanted. I wanted to contact D in case he is thinking badly for me for making all these declarations of keeping in contact and then not. I have intent on sending a text for his birthday. Just to let him know that I care. It's awkward because I do actually think it's sad that a friendship cannot continue because a marriage splits. Anyway it certainly is linked with wanting to be wanted. And this in the absence of being wanted by my dad.
But you know I do think he is probably facing his mortality, closer than ever. To have me close by might mean facing some of his crimes. That's not the word I'm looking for. I am having a word blank moment - yet again. Facing up to his .... demons? No that's not it. His wrong doings. I want him to know I completely forgive him. How on Earth can I let him know when he doesn't admit anything really. He's said he's sorry but for what has he apologised for? Misconduct, that's one word for it.
I want him to know God that I completely forgive him. I want nothing but for him to be free of spiritual agony. I hope some day he can forgive me my sinful behaviour and the hurt I caused him and my mum. The deceit, the behaviours against all of their principles, my demands and irresponsibility. My chaos and my ever ending desire for more and more. Greedy. And my rage that he couldn't give me what I wanted from him. And my promiscuity that he didn't really know about but had hints of. And the shame I brought upon him for the 3 marriages and only 2 of them that he knew about. God I am so sorry to my dad for bringing this all upon him. No wonder he didn't like me very much. In the back of my thoughts is the "yes but what about what he did to me?" But to be honest I know a massive list of things I have done that I am sorry for. And my changes are too late really. He has detached from me long ago. There is no opportunity to truly make it up to him apart from respecting his desires to keep me away.
I feel very sad. I wish he could know me. And I wish knowing me he might like me. I doubt that can happen now. I think I will try and call again. I've tried off and on during the week but there's no answer.
There was no answer again.
I am concerned and I am scared and I am sad.
No wonder I would like comfort with a man. And I've been hungry all afternoon. I know I'm not actually hungry because I have so much flipping food now. And then again I have been feeling fat all day too.
So now I'm almost ready for my evening meal. Feeling sad. Feeling tired. I've been up and down all day with my mood. I think I've been having highs and then some energy lows as a result.
Aha a call from my dad ..... he's reluctant to tell me what's going on.

Bliss
xx



 

Soulful striving

It is my job to strive for the soulful things; honesty, graciousness, mindfulness, kindness, goodness, love, willingness, openness, wisdom. Please God help me to achieve this soulfulness and to hand over my self will and the desire for material and self gain. Please help me to share these soulful things in a way that is doing the best for kin and all mankind. That is what my soul desires.
Life without purpose is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.

It is God sent that I have this morning to relax a little. It is extra to curriculum due to getting a puncture yesterday. It is does not come free of charge. For weeks now I have been aware that I need new tyres and yesterday God gave me a puncture. Not directly I realise, God doesn't do things that way I am sure. But this was a reminder before anything seriously awful happened. I begrudge spending out on these things you see and postpone in favour of personal pursuits and desires. So thank you God for the least dangerous reminder. And this morning L very kindly allowed me to get into work late so that I can get the tyres sorted out. I just now am waiting until 8 am so that i can phone A.D.D Tyres in Bordon. They were very good to me before and I am hoping they can fit new tyres this morning and not be hugely expensive. I am very grateful though to have been  putting funds away each month so that I can actually afford to replace all 5 (inc spare) if so required. I think they do all need replacing. It's got to be over a year since I replaced them. My car needs servicing too but I won't be able to afford that this month. I hope I've got a lot of extra pay in this months salary. I was begrudging paying it out on a car because it's been my Norway trip fund. I hope not to have to delve into my Paris trip fund. I hope that will be around Feb latest. Although it's probably better to go in April. That would give more time to save up.
I think my dad must be in hospital. he said he was having to go back in and didn't know whether he'd have to stay or not. I suspect he did know. I tried calling at about 21:30 and there was no answer. I left a message. I wonder if he did give my number to his neighbours. He said he would but .....
I will try calling his mobile this morning. And I will also see if I can book to have my hair cut on Saturday. What I'd really like to do is get the accreditation document finished this weekend and then get it approved by my supervisor and eventually submitted before 1 Sep when OU re-starts. This time Applied Psychology. I am just not ready for the discipline required. I need to alter my mindset. I think I will have to work all day Saturday and the mornings on Sunday. And have Sunday afternoon as relaxation time after the AWOL. If I read in the mornings all the information gets lost with the day filtering into the memory banks. It rubs out anything I've read.
As soon as I start thinking of other things after reading I forget what the points were.
I also realise I learn by experiencing. I think this may be very basic learning. I am not so cranial. But when I get real examples then it seems to truly get into the memory banks. Experiencing something seems to really be the best way.
I even forgot though in my first share last evening at AA after 90 days in FA of not sharing, to talk about love as connectedness. I think I was born with this isolation tendency. And circumstances probably enhanced it. Being an only child made it and makes it easy to feel lonesome, and I don't mean lonely. But the lonesome can quickly create loneliness and a feeling of being unlovable and unloved. I know it's not limited to single children though as many people with varying numbers of siblings and closeness can still feel that isolation. But what i am experiencing is a connectedness through fellowship. The calls are indicators of love. Even though the connections can be difficult or easy depending on individuals, I feel a love. I love the programme. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this programme and helping to rouse the willingness in me.
It is glorious. I have been troubled at work for example and now I am less troubled. Trusting in my sponsor and the programme and gradually becoming more willing to do what is suggested, it's all got me to being a different and improved version of me. I know L is changing too and I am grateful to God for that as well. All of me is screaming that it's me who has done all the work and wanted things to be better. pride and self righteousness. But I can concede and smile at myself about that, because I know she has been changing too. Thank you God for showing me me.
Please God help me to have the willingness to work this programme.
Thank you God for another day abstinent yesterday.
Poor anyone who reads God and thinks OH NO! A religious culty freak. If only that person would know that I am least religious and Goldly in that sense than anyone. The Bible and the religious practices are not for me. I get the principle more and more though.
Reading Paradise Lost is interesting. You see I think I am understanding Milton to be suggesting that the Garden of Eden was actually before Earth. There was no Heaven nor Hell, there was just this place with angels and peace. But Satan as he became to be known was envious and wanted higher ranking position, even Gods position. He tempted Eve with the apple and was rallying the discontent in the other angels. Angels that were impatient or jealous or bored or scolded or resentful or something. All these emotions and traits exist but there are those that Satan was able to infiltrate and culture those traits in his growing desire for more. It is something that can be cultivated and a darkness that grows fast and envelopes the light. I can relate. It was a seed that exists there and as the devil gets a hold for  example through abuse or abandonment and faulty nurturing, the dark feelings have the room to swirl and escalate. Then the Satan can step up the anti using this emptiness ad coldness to turn it into hatred and desire and overwhelming power. It's there, it can be ignored. Ignore at ones peril. As the fallen angels discovered. They lost their belief in the light, stopped putting into action all the effort required to nurture and then the swirling dark cold abyss grows within needing more and more to fill it as it grows deeper and deeper. I followed that trail. The seed was given room to grow with the sense of shame and hatred that I was given. There wasn't enough belief surrounding me to counter the effect. And the abyss was opened up. I had this anger in me without knowing what it was and no teachers to even show me a different way. well actually I don't think that's entirely true. I suspect there were a lot of people trying but the power of the shame and hatred was louder somehow. Maybe I am the sort of person who listens to that like the angels. Some did not want to follow Satan's desires, they had the strength and belief to turn away and face the light.
I found alcohol and diets and laxatives and this fuelled my anger. It gave me a false courage, a strength to rebel. I rebelled hoping to be heard really but in fact it widened the abyss. My mum was the frail link back though. I kept a little of the light for the terror of finally letting my mum down so much that she would have to let get of the thinning stretching thread. She loved me so much and this morning walking around the village I longed for a moment to be her daughter in the world we live in. Just to have her here to love me. Just to have that assurance. And an opportunity to show her a revised me, a more soulful caring me. Show her how much I truly love her and actually that I do appreciate her. I know she knows in Heaven but it's earthly her I am sad not to have here today. I can bring her close to me though.
But that sadness with loss and grieving does not have to turn into a gap for the devil to seep in. No. no. Nor do my worries about finances or the difficulties at work or the need for study time or the laziness with hpusework. No, instead I can turn to God. I can keep my strength of belief. I can ask for the willingness to work this programme. And then there are fewer and fewer avenues to trundle along that lead into temptation.

A friend made a comment that she felt igorant about not knowing what Paradise Lost was. It got me to pondering about the fact that in the past I have been so tough on myself, telling myself I am ignorant. And that isn't with any love at all I have said that to myself. I brate myself for being ignorant as if it's a terrible thing. How awful the way language is used with connotations from nastiness. So being kind and gentle I was saying to this friend that it is not ignorance as a bad thing but it is ignorance fulls top. I didn't know about Paradise Lost and rather than being ashamed of that it is not something I have sat down to discover. I didn't do any literature study to any great length. I chose to play instead of study. And now I can be humble enough to be grateful for the different people in my life that bring diverse interests to me. And as they become interesting to me I do indeed follow them through. Paradise Lost had come to my attention some time ago. I did look it up and even copied the books onto my conputer. But it didn't really sink in. And then my sculptor friend showed me her work in connection with an upcoming exhibition called Revelations. I don't know if it's just a title and she has taken the Biblical theme or whether the Biblical element is the them. Anyway she has referred to Paradise Lost as her inspiration. And my gosh the work I saw was outstanding. She expressed the emotions of despair at the realisation of waking in this place called hell. This endless prison with no entrance nor exit. Wow, such vision. A knowingness of those feelings. And I could see how that intial shame borne from powerful desire, so powerful that all trust was lost in the light and God and turned towards Satan full of promises and guile. They invested in the temptation and desire and woke to realise the results. And of course there lies the pain to be further cultivated by Satan.
So she brought Paradise Lost a little bit more alive for me than the last encounter I had with it whatever that was, I can't even remember. And so much so that I am trying to read it. It's a lot of literature to read. But wow it's painting powerful pictures for me. The meaning though seems sop difficult to express. And someone else can. How wonderful that is. I am envious but will not allow that to breed and instead I am grateful to God for showing me this. I am learning. And my horizons expand. How wonderful that I have so many people with interestes that spark my own interests. And my knowledge is growing, my openness grows as I realise the passion and delight these things can bring to my soul. Thank you God. Thank you for E and the many pothers such as A and M and T and A and E and - that's beginning to look like a genetic code ha ha ha ha.
So here I am sitting waiting. I have tried calling 2 tyre places with no answer as yet. I have at least sent a text to L to tell her what is happening. I hope to get there by 10:30. Is that possible?
I will call my hairdresser too. Can I afford it? I hope so.
I need to save £360 per year for haircuts which means putting away £30 per month. I will need to start doing that then.
I also need to phone Vodafone and see if there is a better package for my minutes usage. It's crazy paying £150 per moth on Vodafone then there's BT and Plusnet for Broadband. This is a lot of money every month of communications. There has to be a better way. I onder what happens if I amalgamate them all. What is the total cost? £150 Vodafone £45 BT and £12 Plusnet = £207 per month!!!! That's ridiculous. I do  not use my landline except for an international call once per week for 1 and half hours. I use the Internet a lot.  Oh and I add some money for Skype calls too. Not much but that probably pushing £215 per month on communications. There has to be a better way.
I will call BT, Plusnet and Vodafone to see what they could do to improve these costs if I put all of mys business with them. I need to phone EDF too to see what good deals they are offering on supplying electtricity as the fixed rate ends this month. Has ended actually.
OK lets start with Vodafone. 191 - it's free. No tyre place first. I hope they open at 9am. They do.
OK it's time to go. And bugger I didn't read anymore of the poem. I will take it with me whilst I am waiting.

Thank you
Bliss
XX



 

The colour virtue

Darn it! I wrote out here in this very page the extent of my anger. And blow me over with a feather the flipping thing crashed temporarily and all of my words have gone. Gone into the ether. And what's left? No anger. It's passed. It was in relation to spending time this evening with someone so very dear to me who in my opinion is in the very pits of this disease of addiction. Right now I feel sad to the point of tears, which is the next phase. I was so relieved I picked up the phone to SS and roared my anger out to her knowing that she could hold it and not try to fix it. She related and understood this horrible feeling of powerless. I cannot do a thing to help as hard as I try with talk and ideas and love. It just doesn't get through. And that's so tragic. I will not abandon her which is what people have said to do. I did in the early days of recovery from alcohol but the renewal of the friendship was always essential. A sad waste of someone so talented and clever. Please God I pray for A.
Thank you God for my awareness and for showing me how to do this differently. I knew I needed to speak to someone and to speak to someone impartially was just what I needed.
And also with L today. That was the other thing I had been writing about vigorously. I came across L talking to F (HD). I heard her say "this morning" and "she". As I was the only one in with her this monring I started thinking all sorts of things she was saying that would be lies. Thank goodness I didn;t do what I wanted to do and that was to listen in. After all there I was yesterday saying to a client about the self inflicted torture because he is reading texts and online messages that are truth but hurtful. It's none of my business. And what I did have was God. I asked God for help. I put my turst in God that whatever was being said, I would be OK. It's pride. Me wanting people to think well of me and the injustice of someone lying about me and disparaging my good name. Especially as here I am maing big changes. I need to start saying good things only about her. I need to stop doing that to her. It's a horrid feeling. I've known it before. The fear of being defamed and often with someone else's issues leading the defamation. Treat others as I would like to be treated myself.
Thank you God for guiding me. I feel better about myself too so thank you God for that too.
And this evening I feel very honoured that a friend was able to share a little of themselves. I know it's nothing to do with me but to be present at the moment that person was able to verbalise some deep truths and put trust in being heard - well I am blown away. Thank you God for guiding that person and I pray for them. I know the changes that are taking place in me are just beginnings and there for his taking to.
Thank you God for so much and everything. I pray for more of course - well I am an addict after all. ;)

It's bedtime despite the colour virtue not being finished. I want to continue watching the WHITE programme. I found the BLUE programme fascinating. I will need to watch the GOLD programme as I skimped it. Colour will be talked about by Stephen Fry too on Radio 4. Sometimes wotk just gets int he way. Thank you God for iPlayer. Convenient.

Nighty night and thanks for the release from anger and the amusing way of taking it right away. Gone, for tonight.
oh thank you God for keeping me abstinent today. Amazing, truly!!

Bliss
xx

ps - some more darn it's. I've had a few hot flushes over the past few days. Today they were bigger than yesterday. I hope this doesn't mean they are coming back along with a whole host of other symptoms. Tedious and horrible. I thought I was done and dusted with that!! Poop!

White may be the darkest colour of them all? The purest colour became tainted.
White came to symbolise an enlightened world. But was used to divide and control and then finally to conquer.......

25 Sep 1938 - The Director of the British Museum was on his rounds - but unbeknownst to him an incident was taking place in the basement. Cleaning was taking place of some objects, some of the most prized possessions, the Elgin Marbles.
A number of sculptures. They were once painted in rich colours that had washed away. But at one point we were convinced they had always been wither and were being made whiter than ever before.
The Director put a stop to the cleaning - the culprit - Joseph Devene. He thought the marbles were too brown and believed they should be white. This action had not been approved by the Museum.

The intrigue of white = why was Devene so desperate that the sculptures should be white and so white. The Greek sculptors when to lengths to painting away the white.
Planting white at the centre of European culture was Johann Joaquin Winkelmann, born in 1717 in eastern Germany. He was an intellectual and wanting to set foot in the cosmopolitan areas.
He arrived in Dresden and discovered
He found a store of ancient white statues in all shaped and sizes. There were plenty for hm to feat his eyes on and of the most wonderful. He there and then dedicated his life to persuade others of the beauty.
in 1755 he found a city littered with white columns and so on from ages past. He started recording all the marble he found. The Belvedere Torso and others.
His records got him noticed by the Vatican. He set eyes on the Apollo Belvedere. A copy of which in in Soanes house. This one in the Vatican was believed to be a copy of a Greek original carved in about 300BC


What's truly surprising apart from being the most beautiful man, is it's whiteness. This sculpture shows how sophisticated the ancient Greeks really were.
White symbolised health, simplicity, reason and more.
He celebrated the whiteness of this art.
We should feel indebted by Winkelmann for inspiring the future.
Whiteness is purity. Winklemann's dream of filling the world with this purest antiquity.
An elegant building - home of Britain's most famous potter. Wedgwood. A giant of the enlightenment
He was the grandfather of Charles Darwin - wow
He was a Winkelmann disciple sharing a love for white antiquity.
Voltaire the philosopher, Joseph Banks, botanist,
Wedgwood was determined to bring the sculptor to the edge of comfort an then let them go.
His family were unperturbed and yet I don't see any activity

It was very difficult to reproduce a paint that getting to a white glaze was a constant disappointment for M.
The first great white glaze ....
He turned out a seres of beautiful whits pots.

Neoclassical consists of flutes and columns. As well as available space. I could not imagine anyone coming here!!!!

White had conquered Europe through Winkelmann.
Mid 18th century - a transformation about the way we view white and art.
1859 a  young man married on out shoes - please can you cover today for me

O man take a pause - the fog is lifting

My friend wrote to me explaining how she was feeling and this is what I wrote back but decided not to send. I thought I was almost being prescriptive and whingeing on about me rather than listening to her.

It sounds so much like menopausal symptoms when you describe your periods - as you know I truly have had some tricky times. All I know is that I needed to talk about it and receive understanding as it felt scary, I have been overwhelmed with a sense of change and loss, and at times been utterly irrational and changeable in my mood. I have needed reassurance.

As always if you need a listening ear I can listen. I truly think my symptoms have reduced recently although notice a thick head and loss of words still. I think the sense of loss and fear about feeling older is also less. I'm more acceptant of the changes even though I have moments still of battling.

There has only been one way through it and that's head first.

Am I right in thinking you believe also that some of your symptoms are hormonal menopausal?

I absolutely am convinced that all the shifts contributed and magnified mental health problems - I oscillated from highs to lows much quicker than I am now and they were much more extreme than recently. My appetite, oh my gosh I've never craved food like it before and I've been a foody since very young.

Often I had a sort of detachment and with it  just could not make sense of much at all.

Not to mention aches and pains and complete energy drains.

I am definitely starting to pull through these symptoms now if that gives any hope at all.

Many many times I just could not see a point in living if this was going to be it! I didn't think I'd ever pull through it you see.

I was so so scared sometimes it felt too much to endure but thankfully I learnt with Stuart and oddly enough through my studies of psychosocial identity about stages of age change and reconciling the shift into a different stage. I didn't want to accept the changes as it felt like giving up. Funny thing is as the hormones are settling down again recently I feel more energised again and less decrepit.

People kept telling me that it would pass at some point but it all felt endless and I felt very alone with it all. I wanted others to talk to who would know what I was going through and understand. But so few people talk openly about the complexities and what seem endless problems.

I was in a fog for several years but think I am stepping through it thank goodness. It does pass even though I thought it was never going to.


And on the subject of friendship and my insecurity ...............

Good afternoon M
Just preparing my lunch and taking a break from my research for my assignment. I've not put any thoughts down in writing yet as I'm still researching yet should be at least half way through first draft according to schedule. Poop! I may already need an extension which disturbs me greatly considering the vast study loads this year. "I NEED MORE TIME", she shouted confused and dismayed.

I was thinking in bed last night about the feeling told off if spending time with other people and befuddled you are about this. Me too but getting some clarity perhaps. I'm completely aware it's my issue, so I hope you don't think I'm apportioning any blame with you.
I realised the feelings came over me yesterday amongst our emailing. I went through our emails rereading them to see what it was and I think it was with reference to this part of your email which I have copied and pasted and italicised to make differentiating simpler.

"I think may be you are living what I have always described as a reality for me - out of sight out of mind - that does not mean I care any less, as you are often in my mind, but you are probably 'closer' to those you speak to more or spend time with - which is how it is, well for me anyway, the people you see become like close (may be even family ??) . I think it would be weird if it wasn't like that. that is why we choose to spend time with people and it feels weird if I choose to spend time with people that I don't want to - like I don't know, an example - G, I decided not to spend time with her as the friendship was not working for me - I don't dislike her but I don't feel as much ease. I am not good with groups - never have been, but especially at mo, but then sometimes I am - it is very weird and it really depends who it is
With you and V and R I feel at ease with when I am with - yet if not with of course the closeness dissipates - well for me anyway - it doesn't mean it doesn't come back almost instantly with contact and seeing one another."

I was confused when you said - I am living what you've described as the reality for you - and then added that's how it is for you. You are not out of my mind on any day at all. I read that as it is me that is doing something that means I'm out of sight out of mind. Is it something I'm doing? If it's about spending time together isn't that both of us?
I'm not a good organiser that's for sure. And I always think you are a very good organiser. I think and correct me if I'm wrong you don't want to be the organiser all the time. And I can understand that so I take responsibility for not being good and therefore my part in less time together recently.
I'm also aware as I said before that I am exhausted after lengthy days with work and travel so midweek it's work, 1:1's after work, meetings and catching up with people en route i.e. AM and AB. And weekends are once again supposedly study time although once per month I am going to London for FA and taking in a gallery afterwards. If ever you feel like meeting me after the meeting I would love that. I think when I asked last you were hectic with your studies.
Talking of which I have just confirmed that I will go to FA on Sat 10th March and afterwards plan to see Picasso exhibition at Tate Britain. Annie is free and is going up earlier in the day to see the Lucien Freud exhibition. Would you be free to meet after my meeting, about 15:00, and go on to see the Picasso exhibition? It would be lovely if you could.

What I interpret when you comment on me spending time with others and that they are then close to me, is that you think I am excluding you somehow. Which of course is not the case at all. Is that what you think or all in my head? I think I marry this with occasions in the past when I have felt excluded with others doing things together without me. Am I right in thinking that there have been similar occasions in the past that have affected you too? I sense that you are affected by these sorts of things and withdraw from those people. I'm scared you'll be less friendly or withdraw from me.
So when I read the above section of your email, I felt that fear. I hope you'll understand that I'm not saying that's how it is necessarily, only you can tell me how it actually is for you, but that's what I fear.
So when I read your email saying that for you when people are out of sight then you are not as close, it scares me. As that is not the case for me. I am close with some people whether I am in regular contact or not. And by close I mean that I consider them my very good and best friends and that includes you. I used to think I had to be BEST friends with a particular friend to keep them but now I realise I can a number of best friends. Over longer periods of time then this dwindles with some people I am aware. As closeness in friendship I believe needs to be nurtured and requires effort but then there are some friends who when I met up with despite time and distance it's just the same as ever and I hold them in my heart the same as ever.

And then of course it depends what you and I mean by closeness. Close in proximity is obvious and for some reason it feels as if we are further apart in that way and yet in all probability we are either nearer or at least the same distance apart as before. I think my working in Woking area makes it feel further away.

But in metaphysical terms (for want of a better word), I feel as close as ever. You know a lot about me, probably more than anyone else, through our history and supporting me through situations or events and being alongside my changing (hopefully) self. I feel at ease in your company even if there are differences of opinion. I learn through you on all sorts of levels. I laugh with you, I discuss with you, I debate ideas with you, I value your thoughts and opinions even when I don't like what I'm hearing because it's challenging my desires, especially when they are not the healthiest of choices.
Sometimes I feel scared of judgement and that inhibits me at times. I need to listen to that fear - sometimes it will be unjust fear of judgement and my codependance. I need to be able to have the worth to just be myself and that is ongong work for me. Other times it'll be because something I'm doing or being is inappropriate and I know you'll comment. I am working on changing this little by little. I am more practised at ducking and diving, it's been a survival technique that has become skewed and destructive over the many years.
I hope you and other friends can forgive me this. It's a work in progress and certainly not perfection.
I have to trust that people who like and love me will stick around despite my shortcomings so long as I'm trying to change. I also am aware that people get on and off the bus.
My hope is that you and I will be friends eternally - this and the next life whatever form that takes if it has a form at all. That's how important you are to me.
And there are times when I really, really miss you and other times I just know you are there. We've had some incredible times together. I don't mean mini adventures necessarily, I mean just living. And that makes me smile. I wouldn't want to lose that if at all possible.

I also get concerned coz I know there are times when you don't want to mix with people at all. You are one of the few people that even when I am my lowest I can sit and enjoy being with you, whether I feel slobbish or not. I'm not sure that it is the same the other way around. But would hope that you know I could be.

Anyway the crux of the matter for me is the fear of being abandoned. I just have to trust that our friendship is real and that means abandonment is unlikely. But then again trust that if for any reason you decided to be absent for any reason that is OK too. I don't like the idea of the latter and would prefer to trust that our friendship is deep regardless of where or what we are doing. Some friendships in my experience can be as strong across distance and time and that is what I have with you. I guess I don't feel as safe with that from you when I read that closeness is less when not so much together. That's my fear I suppose, and I practice accepting that just as it is but remain me anyway. My tendency would be to then defend myself from being hurt and withdraw. Or demand assurances. But I do neither today and simply accept (fears ebb and fall so I need to practice consistency regardless of the ever changing feelings).

I am aware that I feel particularly vulnerable right now and that probably means that everything suddenly feels vulnerable. I am looking for reassurance I suppose and need to get that from myself and my sense of the Universe. Things are as they are and I'm OK and so is everything. Total acceptance and trust. Then all the insecurities just slde away.

Right I've had lunch and feel very sleepy indeed. I think I may take a short nap before re-starting my research. I'm not getting very far very quickly.
It's quite a dry assignment - comparing and contrasting but the exciting bit is saying how far the theories really go to answering questions about attention.
Cognitive psychology is interesting but also not - I can see why the application of cognitive psychology as a therapy feels so dry to me too.

I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and I also hope that nothing I say is offensive, that's absolutely not my intention. I have written off the cuff, there was some preemptive thinking and I'm sure my realisations will evolve from this point and my fears alter and disappear with time too. I guess this is more adjustment to change which I don't deal well with until I start acknowledging it all.

Thanks for reading all of this - if you've got this far ......


--

Bliss

XX

love lessons

Never regret love, Bliss. No matter how blind, it improved your world view. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made you more.
Hubba, hubba,
    The Universe

Love's sacrifice

"Love is a passion which kindles honor into noble acts"

Universal awe or narrow path darkness

How to accept that the man I love loves someone else

I was thinking of writing and saying hello. With the aim of finding out how things are and what is going on. Also to find out if he's happy and in love etc. But I think better of it. Really there is a part of me that wants him not to be and to want to be with me which he won't want. And also more importantly I think if he is with someone else it is better that I don;t have contact even if as I would expect he has no more feeling for me than someone he met and and passed by. It would not be fair nor good for the other woman or women. It just doesn't seem right nor fair. I think for their sake I just have to let go despite my deep feelings.

Bliss
:(
XX

Mumford and Sons

Liar :

I know that things are broken
I know there’s too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken, like the coward I am, I hang my head
You lay careless, your head on my chest
And don’t even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can’t describe, you would rather I didn’t try
But please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
And you lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world can ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love I have found, I detest

(Thanks to Regan for these lyrics)

I know that things are broken
I know there’s too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken, like the coward I am, I hang my head
You lay careless, your head on my chest
And don’t even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can’t describe, you would rather I didn’t try
But please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
Oh please, don’t cry you liar
And you lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world can ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love I have found, I detest

 

A little bit of love lingers on ....

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost you witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Harmony

I am feeling better - another day of it. I felt like cleaning yesterday which I haven't been feeling like doing. And I have a feel for getting back to work as well. This morning I feel "lighter" inside of me, like whatever it is the hormones seem to drag down on, well it seems not to be dragging. I have had little glimpses of this happening and then it returns. I feel less bloated as well. I am decreasing more easily. Thank goodness.
I pray and hope that it will not return. I need the doc and the psychiatrist to help. I really cannot cope well with it at all and I think it will help me to kill myself- whatever IT is.
I am concerned about finances too. I do have some savings which are accruing. That gives me a little leeway but of course as soon as I dip into them there will be no more accrual!!!!! So do I speak with my dad? Have I got the courage?
What are my fears? Well he has always been so judgemental and would get so angry with me. He wouldn't speak to me. He has considered me a loser and a failure I think. I am not sure those are his words but I certainly have felt his contempt of me. And just recently we have had a couple of sessions of getting on. So long as I don't interfere in the conversation too much. He still is interested in what is ME. But he is at least telling me about HIM. I do say more and more what is OK and what isn't which is progress. I just want him to love me. And for ME.
It's such a big hole that I seem to find truly difficult to let go of ... I am seeing SC again on Thursday. I have no idea from one week to the next what I will talk about.
last week I was very honest with him about my sexual behaviour last year and the shame that I felt. He specialises in the sex and love issues and was so gently with me. He practically told me what the other person was like. I was amazed and had to laugh. I felt truly sad that my arousal could only come from some dark associations. And yet even as I write it I can still feel the pleasure that came from it all. I had never dived into the behaviours in any real way before then. I was reeled in with my intrigue. First the couple I met in passing and curiously asking them so many questions. At the same time I was exploring the conflicting ideas of whether it is always addiction at play. I don't believe that at all. And I certainly do not judge people for the desire and indulgence. I know for me and now a couple of other people there is an association with arousal and being controlled and I think that comes from a childhood influence. It's interesting thinking about the possibility of being in a relationship where I might be able to start informing a loving partner of things that are stimulating etc without the need for them to have full control. I can see how that is terrifying for me. Even the thought of being the Domme - well that is how it would seem to me ..... I have a lot to learn and at my age!!! Now though I would prefer to learn sexuality within a loving and equal relationship. I hope that I will not return to that darker force. It seems so sad that it's so late. I am grateful in a way to have been brought down so hard by the break up of the relationship because I might not have explored further. That is bullshit. Things are as they are and thankfully I have many avenues of support. It has been an incredible experience on many levels.
I am so sad that it didn't work out. The person wasn't the right person. Our paths crossed and so many things were really good but at this time we are on slightly different planes. That's OK. I see how quickly I attached without the knwledge how to detach graciously. I should like to learn grace. But it's the loss of something I wanted. Grieve grieve grieve. I think as well the hormonal madness being a little calmer I have some mental strength to help myself manage the emotional issues that have been exploding out of me. And with SC's help, looking at the issues from a gentle and loving point of view. Containing the emotions raging out of me etc etc.
What I am pleased about is that I can look closer at the things that I get angry about. I hope that I can continue practicing this.
I was feeling afraid and confused with all the announcements yesterday about bin Laden and then a few days before the death of Gaddafi's son. It was someone else posting the refusal to hate the supposed enemies and instead mourn the loss of a living person. It was such a gentling thought and truly what I feel more comfortable with. I am afraid for this planet of all the madness and destruction. It is happening though.
It is lovely that I know so many people that are different. They are not hungry for amassing, they are trying to do things differently. Just get along in a gentle, calm manner. Wanting change of their own mental state. I really can attune to this today and the past few days once again. I feel the love and peace and stillness.
I have taken a moment to consider the lives of those men who have died as enemies to so many. Their death has not relieved any situations whatsoever. There is more doubt and suspicion if anything.
I feel sad for the losses of those that have loved them. They are at last in peace, no struggle or fear. No need for power. I pray that the craziness between people at every level might cease and instead there can be love for each other, tolerance for differences, embracing life itself. Awareness of passions and what that motivates in ourselves being wary to consider costs to others. Empathy. Honesty - being vulnerable to gain strength. Growing and developing self awareness and awareness of others without assumption.

I need to focus on studying now

Bliss
XX