Monday 28 February 2011

Houses are archives of the human soul ................


The Haunted Palace by Edgar Allan Poe.


In the greenest of our valleys
By good angels tenanted,
Once a fair and stately palace -
Radiant palace - reared its head.
In the monarch Thought's dominion -
It stood there!
Never seraph spread a pinion
Over fabric half so fair!
Banners yellow, glorious, golden,


On its roof did float and flow,
(This - all this - was in the olden
Time long ago,)
And every gentle air that dallied,
In that sweet day,
Along the ramparts plumed and pallid,
A winged odor went away.

Wanderers in that happy valley,
Through two luminous windows, saw
Spirits moving musically,
To a lute's well-tuned law,
Round about a throne where, sitting
(Porphyrogene!)
In state his glory well-befitting,
The ruler of the realm was seen.

And all with pearl and ruby glowing
Was the fair palace door,
Through which came flowing, flowing, flowing,
And sparkling evermore,
A troop of Echoes, whose sweet duty
Was but to sing,
In voices of surpassing beauty,
The wit and wisdom of their king.

But evil things, in robes of sorrow,
Assailed the monarch's high estate.
(Ah, let us mourn! - for never morrow
Shall dawn upon him desolate!)
And round about his home the glory
That blushed and bloomed,
Is but a dim-remembered story
Of the old time entombed.

And travellers, now, within that valley,
Through the red-litten windows see
Vast forms, that move fantastically
To a discordant melody,
While, like a ghastly rapid river,
Through the pale door
A hideous throng rush out forever
And laugh - but smile no more.


Walter de la Mare
The Listeners

‘IS there anybody there?’ said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champ’d the grasses
Of the forest’s ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Traveller’s head:
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
‘Is there anybody there?’ he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Lean’d over and look’d into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplex’d and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirr’d and shaken
By the lonely Traveller’s call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
’Neath the starr’d and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder, and lifted his head:—
’Tell them I came, and no one answer’d,
’That I kept my word,’ he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.


Is there anybody there? by me

Houses are archives for the human soul,
Rescepticles for stories,
 and all that's old,
Events snagged in time.
Is it me that gives them life?
Or is it they
  Who energise my mind?

Enticed over the threshold
This enchanting cottage scene,
Holding all it's secrets
Tales, romance and tragedy.
All there to unfold.
Needing fresh blood to breathe,
Eerily all part
 of the archives alchemy.











Sunday 27 February 2011

He's just an ordinary boy

Wide Boy - Nik Kershaw

He made a record
it made him famous
yes
it made him a star.
The life and soul of the party
he rocks
he shocks
You never know where you are with him.
He got no sense but he got money
He got no sense but he got overnight success

Exceed excess
exceed excess.

He no big deal
he's just a wide boy

He no big deal
he's just an ordinary guy

Oh me
oh my
oh me
oh my.

He made a movie
he played the driver of a big yellow car.
He is super fab and groovy
he struts and he crows
You never know where you are with him.
He got no sense but he got money
. . .
And with your symmetry teeth and your California tan
I'm here to tell you that you ain't no superman
you're just a wide boy.



It was shown to me how Nik Kershaw is complicated in his rhythm and rifts. And it's very clever to the ear. A bit poppy I always thought but actually I like his songs.
This is a great song. Ego explained brilliantly. Thinking he's a somebody with externals. Some people of course want that. And I am beginning to realise that it's certainly not what I want in the people I am close with. Sincerity, integrity, dignity that is similar to my own. Values that are similar is important. But I would also like to remain teachable to other principles and values so that I continue to grow. I would prefer not too have too much pain in my lessons.

Bliss
XX

Onwards with more studying. Goodness it's sometimes difficult to stay focuses with all this very demanding terminology and complicated knowledge of the ways in which the human body operates. It's incredible!!

Flamjangled Tea Party!!

I got home at nearly 1am only to discover I did not ahve my house keys. Lovely evening with friends. Greta food. Laughs and good company. Got to see ML's new place too - really cosy. Intelligent conversations.
Windy journey home and gettng low on petrol!! And no flipping keys. Tried phoning ML and other friends to see if they had them but no answer - all tucked up asleep. Well actually I later discovered ML was watching
a film with her headsets on.
I sent a text to RB to see if by chance sehe was till up. Hallelujah! And even better GB was awake so would know where my set of keys were. Phew.
Guess what? As I put on my jeans this morning to walk LL, there was rattling in my pocket. Lord! The flipping keys were tehre all the time. Am I really going senile ha ha ha ha ha ha. AB has had a very good laugh this monring, having slept through all the comotion at her place int eh early hours.

A few texts with JH. Up late - made me smile. I felt a twinge of jealousy and able to back off. My jealousy can easily become controlling I think. Anyway I did express my concern. Resorting to online stuff to escape from these very very difficult times he is going through. I suspect he is hurting so deeply inside. But of course it's difficult to step aside from that and allow the feelings to be and get through them. Most people lets face it find ways of not feeling. Centuries of dysfuntioning our very God given senses. Of course there is nothing wrong with anyone's choices of behaviour if taking responsibility. There are always consequences to everythign we do but what I want is to be more aware so that the damage is not the greatest part. And when taking a thorough and honest look at things I get a feel that JH's online stuff has had consequences on his connections that have truly mattered. He seems in search of something and finding it in bursts. Maybe that is it. I realised that I have had a lifetime of relationships and not a lifetime's relationship. Maybe this is now JH's journey. I am not sure to make of my lessons right now in this realisation. What I can see is that there is a "wrong" motivation in it for me. I have been looking to be loved. And still need to find the love within me. It is improved but still not wholesome.
I was very very pleased to be oving to myself in the early hours. Weird really. As I got in and still a few texts with JH I received a text from CY. I had to turn off my phone in the end. His texts were very out of character. Whereas before it was not always respectful - although talking about music is always just that - this was odd. At one point I wondered if his phone had been stolen. When I turned on my ohone this moring he had sent a few more texts and tried calling. I was concerned actually. Then he called again this morning. He said he felt embarrassed about his texts. He is another man who wants to have something but not to have things all above board and honest. I repeated to him that I am not interested in any relationship with him other than being friendly and that I enjoy the discussions about other matters but if that was too difficult to maintain then we could stop. He tried once more. I said kindly I think NO.
I reallised how throughout my life I have said yes just so that I don't lose the person. Well I do realise that I want to base friendship on valuing people and not being disrespectful.
I am worth it!

No one likes pain (and it comes in so many forms - I see it in everyday work and everyday people) and society has developed more and more ways to put things out of balance. I always remember the Dalai Llama saying that he strives to keep everything in balance and in that way he has peace with the world. Happiness included. I know when I first heard him I did not truly comprehend. But in these last years I have a better understanding. And now its practice. But I am so new at it I get off kilter without even noticing it. But I am more aware that's the point. Just keep increasing the awareness. If only I had followed the insight I had as a child. But it was too difficult when surrounded by others already escaping and teaching that that was the right way. This society wants to suppress difficulty. Too much making things look OK and not enough allowing yni and yang, good and bad, black and white. Working through things is the solution. Not blocking them off at the beginning because then it has to accumulate and fester somewhere else.
I hope Universe for more people to make changes so that future generations can take advantage of advances but also be more aware of their humanness - intuition, senses, serenity, etc.
It's as if the all knowingness had to de-generate to re-generate. Lose it to know it's worth maybe??

I was reading EVE by Christina Rosetti yesterday. And it really brought me to think abdout the story of Adam and Even in the Bible. For me the stories are parables. Ways of trying to make sense for uneducated and becoming educated minds of all those years ago. So tryng to make the limitless more sensical by making it human. I also think by the way that it's a way of justifyig battles!! Anyway Eve

"While I sit at the door
Sick to gaze within
Mine eye weepeth sore
For sorrow and sin:
As a tree my sin stands
To darken all lands;
Death is the fruit it bore.

"How have Eden bowers grown
Without Adam to bend them!
How have Eden flowers blown
Squandering their sweet breath
Without me to tend them!
The Tree of Life was ours,
Tree twelvefold-fruited,
Most lofty tree that flowers,
Most deeply rooted:
I chose the tree of death.
"Hadst thou but said me nay,
Adam, my brother,
I might have pined away;
I, but none other:
God might have let thee s tay
Safe in our garden,
By putting me away
Beyond all pardon.
"I, Eve, sad mother
Of all who must live,
I, not another,
Plucked bitterest fruit to give
My friend, husband, lover;—
O wanton eyes, run over;
Who but I should grieve?—
Cain hath slain his brother:
Of all who must die mother,
Miserable Eve!"

Thus she sat weeping,
Thus Eve our mother,
Where one lay sleeping
Slain by his brother.
Greatest and least
Each piteous beast
To hear her voice
Forgot his joys
And set aside his feast.

The mouse paused in his walk
And dropped his wheaten stalk;
Grave cattle wagged their heads
In rumination;
The eagle gave a cry
From his cloud station;
Larks on thyme beds
Forbore to mount or sing;
Bees drooped upon the wing;
The raven perched on high
Forgot his ration;
The conies in their rock,
A feeble nation,
Quaked sympathetical;
The mocking-bird left off to mock;
Huge camels knelt as if
In deprecation;

The kind hart's tears were falling;
Chattered the wistful stork;
Dove-voices with a dying fall
Cooed desolation
Answering grief by grief.

Only the serpent in the dust
Wriggling and crawling,
Grinned an evil grin and thrust
His tongue out with its fork.


Overall, I read this and read quite a gloomy outlook. And if course it very easily indicates the story of Adam and Eve. But what I realised is that this appies to everyday life and decisions.
Contemplating all the choices we can make it is quite disheartening at times to realise the number of times I (people) make choices according to temptation rather than to the greater good. I like the prayer quoted in Step Three
God, I offer myself to thee - to bild with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.

"relive me of the bondage of self" - how I treasure those lines but how I froget them so quickly. This does not mean as I always used to that I put myself on the bottome of the pile. Which of course is the ultimate in sacrifice. But I am not holy. I see Sister N put herself at the very bottome. All these years taken away from her home. She sacrificed that to serve her heart's desire to serve God. I am not able to be that holy. But I do believe service comes in many forms. The difficulty is knowing God's will. And the problem comes with temptation - hence the Devil. In the story of Adam and Eve, the snake to awaken an awareness of other things. What's wrong with the other things, the forbidden fruit? Perhaps nothing at all. But Adam and Eve were innocent and no self awareness, they had never had to exercise constraint and thoughtfulness and consideration and respect and so on. They had had no need. Like children they were shameless of their nakedness. Why would they be any different, there was nothing to be ashamed of. But with time they became sexually aware.
And in their awareness of their sexuality, suddenly there was a shame. But isn't this also because no one was there to guide them to just be OK with themselves. It's as if the sexuality was a shameful thing simply because it's so secretive. I don't quite know how to express this. What does Christina say?
She talks about sad Eve is that she was the one to tempt Adam to take the fruit. But actually didn't the snake promote it with a different and seductive slant. Rather than it being very natural development for Eve to want to bear a child. The snake had sold the idea differently. So Eve took on the guilt of the World. She was the temptress and she sat contemplating the results of her action. She had not considered the implications before doing what she did and here she now sits with the blood of her slain son on her hands - Cain killed Able - but wasn't this the next lesson in emotions driving behaviour. More lack of self awareness.
So in this poem, Christina is telling me how Eve takes full responsibility but shows me how different emotions drive us. She does not talk about Adam's choice to also follow temptation. How when everything is OK there is a devil to want to sabotage everything good.
We humans need to become aware of all these emotions and it seems to me the Bible tells these stories of emotional evolution through the ages and there are amazing lessons we can learn from the writings.
However, they are not the only source.  Each belief system I think has been trying to do the same.
Anyway the point of the poem to me is clear.
Emotions, emotions, emotions - e - motion = energy in motion. The energy within us creates motion or motivation to behave. We are responsible for what we do and need to be able to consider the impact on others although we are not responsible for their emotions and how they respond to themselves.
There. lots of words saying nothing really.

Thank you Christina. Thank you Bible writer of the story of Adam and Eve.

 Rob Anderson

Awakening - by me

Contemplating the speed of years past,
My blind dash through time.
Complicating and compensating
Humanities daily trials.
Hasty, near decisions;
Beguiled, seduced far from sanity.
Choices. Escaping.

Winding the trail of the long, weary path,
Scattered with gloriously, scented rose petals,
Blood red ones
Littered with dead ones.
Angry voices and loving tones,
Gently watching for my despair
When reality settles.
Frozen. Obliterating.

In the stillness of reality and thought
Consequences no longer chasing,
  the hearse overtaking
An undertaker smiles.
Consideration in time
What's mine to charge.
Deliver me from temptation,
Exist in rhythm with creation
Changes. Growing.

Bliss
XX












Saturday 26 February 2011

Phew

Missing JH

Going out!

Bliss
X

Angel Numbers

9 - Your divine life purpose involve the giving of service through natural talents, passions and interests.
0 - relates to prayer and meditation practice, and the all encompassing God Source. God is talking to you.
5 - Relates to change, transformation and alchemy. Someting in your life is changing, or about to change, for the better.
905 - The change you're experiemcing or considering is guided and fully supported by God. This change helps your Divine mission to unfold and manifest.

I don't hold a lot of regard for divining and future telling. For some reason I looked up the numbers.
I am so cyncial - everyday there is change in peoples life. I suppose this just brings it to the surface really. Brings it to the conscious to be looked at rather than just absorbed ito the everyday activities of so-muchness.

Lots of things are changing in my life right now. I am praying for the knowledge of God's will for me. I am meditating on various things that are apparent in my life to take a real observation of them. Comtemplation meditation, I have some ideas but as yet don't know how to really bring them into fruition.
I have been re-thinking the idea of starting a therapy group once a week at a really almost nothing price. I need to get my insurane updated. I would need to find a cheap or free room and then speak to the couple of people who have no money but wanted some therapy. It would be no good unless there were a consistent number of people with consistent attendance. If there are some that come and go that's not a problem. If we make it a closed group that would mean a real commitment from everyone. And then I start to bottle out of doing it. As if anyone would want me to facilitate this ... no one really wants or needs this.
It certainly wouldn't be for financial gain - just donation payment to cover costs. I cannot afford to be out of pocket either. And where? This area - I don't know too many people really. Oh well can keep putting the idea out and see what happens.

Bliss
XX

The Old Furiosity Shop - written end of January

I remember him talking about his mixed feelings of love but the ugliness of neediness when he was talking to me about his girlfriend whom he later told me was his ex girlfriend. Very confusing - always slightly not adding up, yet it was clear from the start that he had several people he had strong feelings for. He told me spent 3 weeks with the woman in Australia and had strong feelings for her but they were too far apart and he could not go becuase of his children - of course. He also talked about his issues with commitment.

I wonder if in these early days of SL he was telling me things more truthfully or whether they were all muddled stories. He spoke of love with the woman in Romania but also refers to his girlfriend which could have seemed liek the same person but also another, then the relationship with someone in the US was muddled in as well. Gosh it was a real mish mash of all the women I think.
JH - you didn't eve need to be anything than straight forward - I was content simply to be your slave. You took things to another level. And spun stories.
I wonder whether you can ever get all this straight in your head to be honest with yourself and another human being and the Universe. It will be essential if you want to learn and grow - if you are not ready then so be it. It will continue. I hope not for your own and others sake. Innocent passers by do not deserve to be hurt. Although I have my part in it. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe.
The strange encounter we started with should really have menat a lot more. I always did wonder from the beginning the amount of time and years you had been on SL and similar and how that had impacted your marriage and your children. I pondered over this but chose to ignore it because I was falling in love with the you you presented to me.
I am writing this tog et it all out in the open for myself - noone else's benefit. I am sure there are clearer explanations from JH. But it is all so muddled I would never get things really clear because the stories have altered as time has gone on. EVen the things that I saw in October. JH did tell me about havings exual encounters over the SL or Internet - not much difference in JUne and July. Well b y that time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I never did say anything different. As a slave that's what I would have been but I said that I only wanted to be in a monogamous relaitonship if it was anything else. If he loved me wouldn;t he have actually respected and honoured this. And yet he claimed that he was and he wasn't. Can this be considered love?
This is all hurt and anger exuding - gradually clearing out of my system. I hope it clears sooner than later because the hurting makes me ultra sensitive.
So much so that I am ill. It is horrid to be so hurt. I would not wish this on any single person in the world.
Rantings.


I wrote this weeks ago but didn't post it for some reason. Never to waste words it is now posted. A lot has altered in my psyche since writing this. I am relieved to feel differently. Thank goodness for Step work invested in creating awareness and steps to fall back on.


The furiosity is with myself - and also thinking and writing helps me to come to terms with the stages of loss - which are DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE.

I am coming to more understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless I feel incredibly sad (pain) but less and less angry. I also do a bit of bargaining which actually I realise I feel shame about as I don;t really talk much about that.
I start with the earlier feelings at the bottom and work upwards with newer thoughts and feelings ...

Well I have called Stuart and left a message on his answer machine but he has not called back. This scares me more and more. I cannot bear the thought of being rejected by him. He has brought me so far. He has never been unreliable in the past .......? If he doesn't call back by Monday I will try again and leave a message to say how concerned I am. I don;t even like writing this as it leaves me vulnerable to anyone reading it. People make judgements from peoples actions - that's all we have to read what's going on. I am terrified by him not instantly replying - he may be away, he may be busy, he runs workshops that start on Fridays and run all weekend - I called at some silly evening hour yesterday -
I feel very fragile.

I also think this now ....
oh blimey my head hurts I am going to have a break and a tablet. More later .......




Phew good to share. Release of pressure from pain

Oh and I see a process in me about the need for constant access to people. Not necessarily being with physically but a need to be in contact and JH was a person who fulfilled that. Thus something I recognise in me from years ago. Difficult to be alone yet to be on my own in that. Difficult to put into words right now or understand what is underneath. Want to have courage to contact Stuart.
Want to have courage to say to JH absolutely no way forward for me with him - but also this is not what I want - there is a way just as we are. Me accepting there is no commitment from JH within the circumstances he is in or whatever it is - he just doesn't see us as compatible for him - a million possible reasons - there is someone else now - blah blah blah
But don't want to go the harsh route of no contact
Instead be certain myself and maintain boundaries then if he is not OK with that he may show it's not really friendship for him or maybe he would be OK with it and maintain merely friendship
Awaiting client for assessment. Lots of anxiety for me with this part of my job. Always used to get anxious when interviewing. Similar. And we need clients desperately! So it matters.
Having some clear observations of self but some of what is underlying is not so obvious yet.

Grr(at thinking )- he enters my thoughts as soon as I stop for 1 moment - anger sad longing bargaining self blame!
The anger I feel also involves ugly pride. Wanting to know if he is intriguing with others. Wanting ti know because then it is right that nothing between him and I was more than a game for him. Which then hurts. Wanting any new victim to know - ruin his fun! Or destruction of someone else. Just torture. Sad that I kept receiving lies and then believing but not being able to trust. Angry with HP - why did I have to go through this? I know really not to blame. I chose to try and accept. I do blame JH for lying because he did. But I enabled him to keep lying - I am not a person who can accept it lightly - too insecure. Some people I guess would be secure enough not to mind so much. I just need to accept him as him and me as me and on that very fundamental level it's not compatible
Which is so sad as on so many other levels I really really like him. Accept accept accept. Whether it was what he implied it was or not between us - it was really lovely. I wanted a committed relationship but that's not how it is and not really certain what JH wanted.

Grief- ANGER! Feeling angry and blaming of JH. Grrrrrrrr at all the thinking and feelings - make them go away. I don't really blame JH and it just fuels the pain I feel. Anger easier than sadness as it hurts so much. Then hurting and sad at loss and the little me who has no one special and to look after me at times and treat me special. Sad that it's always been like this and whatever it is about me that contributes to dysfunction in relationships. It's horrid. I would so like loving trusting easy relationship. With fun and emotions that can be held by each other.

Bliss
X

Turning a blind eye to inconvenient truths

What a horrid week at work - addiction had a grasp I have rarely witnessed on this one man. Enmeshed with his wife to the extent that they together will kill him. My gosh! People do not see how codependency kills. It's so subtle. It will be the drink that finally does it but it will be the codependency that will drive him to take the drink. This is NEVER OK. It acts as a strong reminder to me the power of the disorder. It kills!
I was exhausted through trying too hard! I feel relief he has gone and guilty for feeling relief but we had to stick rigidly to boundaries. I feel sad that he has one too. Fearful.
I dreamt about the clients last night. But I woke up feeling sick and guilty. I am not sure what caused me to dream that I took one of the clients to his home. (This never ever happens.) I met his wife and was aware his children were there too. He and I then slept there overnight but I was in his bed!!!!! It was not sexual. I woke up in my dream with him cuddling me. I was horrified when I woke in reality. The dream went on - I got up and felt dreadful as his wife was in the house even though actually they were not together anymore. Then I was standing around downstairs chatting with his wife and him, all very friendly and jovially when I sensed in the air it wasn't the weekend. I asked what day it was and they said Monday. It was 9.05 am. I then tried to get ready but realised my clothes were not suitable for work. It was a red dress I loved when I was in my early 20's. It was a such a beautiful dress. I was so skinny then :) .I was trying to put it on but knew it was not suitable so miraculously some other tops of mine were there that I could cover the dress bodice with. But I couldn't get them on quickly enough as I was in such a hurry. I had to get the client back too. Then his little daughter walked in and asked if she could be there. All very embarrassing.
Then we were at a river. ML was there trying to negotiate as always a free bee. I have realised how irritating that can be to me. I am pleased she gets lots of things. But when she does she always pushes for the next thing too. I have witnessed people say yes but not looking happy about it. (This is not dream by the way). It's odd because she is so self conscious in many ways but then the opposite when it comes to things like this. She says well it is their responsibility to say no. I have mentioned in the past that I think she pushes people too far and they are less willing later. Its no big deal but its interesting to observe why I get irritated. I wondered if I am jealous. I don't think so but it's a possibility. I must admit I don't like the idea of being jealous, it's such an ugly emotion or drives ugly behaviour unless very very aware of it. Maybe I am jealous of her courage to ask. Although it just seems rude and taking advantage of already extreme generosity. I would like to clarify that it's not the initial negotiations for something. It's about once having got people to agree on something she then pushes for more. I think I feel that it's taking advantage of niceness an a bit of the killer instinct having found what could be a weakness of generosity then making use of it.
Anyway back to my dream. So we were at this river with ML negotiating with a man who ran a very cheap and makeshift ferry. She wanted some space or something for storage I think. Then I saw JG. We were all talking including the client. When I said to JG Oh No! You are here too!!! We are both late. And I hadn't phoned PD. I phone him well in advance in reality when I am running late. So the fact that I hadn't phoned and my clothes and my guilt of having slept in the bed with the client - oh it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
It was the overwhelming feeling I would get with the chaos when I was using or acting out. I would get what I wanted but there was a high price to pay of mess that I would try to sort out with cover up stories and lies.
In my dream of course I fancied this man. And goodness knows how we ended up at his house, that part of my dream has long gone. But having got what I clearly wanted there was all this mess. And I could feel the shame and guilt but was feeling it not identifying it.
At that point, leaving all of us standing by the river, I woke up. And that's just how it feels that I have woken up leaving all of them there. It's odd. I have woken observing the guilt and shame. I have wondered if I have an attraction  to the client now. I like him very much indeed as a person. He is a very sensitive and gentle man. He is growing in awareness with everyday and realising in a painful way the impact of his drinking on his family whom he loves incredibly. But I do not in anyway fancy him. He is also incredibly intelligent which is always interesting to encounter. It's always so important to acknowledge if there is an attraction to any client so that the boundaries can be continually reinforced. I hope never to end up in a situation like IC. That has been so destructive for him and for her. And I have seen it in others. Frequently clients believe they love, but of course there's a lot of dysfunction in that very situation.
For some reason his particular dreams seems very relevant but why I do not know.

I think I a feeling quite fragile. The work has been really tough this week. And whilst I have been driven a little bonkers by client a I am also picking up all this sensitivity from client b and feeling for him. I am not sure when he has ever been able to allow himself to feel. He is very depressed too. I also assessed a young girl already being so deeply affected by sex and love addiction. When I described her behaviours to her, she was shocked that I knew her so well - her highs and the deeply painful lows. She is so beautiful and charming and youthful I truly hope she decides to come in for treatment because she can have the chance to arrest this now and not live the rest of her life through the agony of escalating love addiction. It kills! She deserves to learn how to love herself now. And then enjoy the rest of her life, free.
Yes I think I am feeling a lot of weight of this illness.

Studying today. I do feel a real need for some interesting socialising.
I will see friends tomorrow and an evening of fun is planned. And I may visit another friend this evening or go to a meeting I am not sure which. It is a beautifully sunny morning so I will take a walk amongst the trees now.

Watch her disappear Tom Waits

Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard

A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango

And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared


The other night I dreamt of my mum. I do;t knw where we were but she was sitting in an armchair and I was next to her but on the floor. I had my arm next to ehrs on the arm of the chair and I could feel her skin on my skin. I like the feel of my mum's soft skin. I said to her that I was all bloated up and couldn't bear it. She said " Iam too and everyone is here, look". I felt extreme angst at not being understood that whilst it was OK for everyone to be the same but I just am not used to it or liking it or wanting to get used to it. I shouted at my mum it's horrid and not OK. I woke up. I like meeting my mum in my dreams. I asked her to look after my cousin. It was a weird dream though. I never meet her in dreams, it;s always in a nowhere type place - nothing else happening, just really me with her. Usually I don't remember what we have spoken about.
It;s a while since I have met wth her. I am grateful for the opportunity. I miss her nonetheless and shed a tear for her.

Bliss
X

Thursday 24 February 2011

Recognising Feelings

Experiencing feelings can be a challenge if we've had no previous experience or permission to do that. Learning to identify what we're feeling is a challenge we can meet, but we will not become experts overnight. Nor do we have to deal with our feelings perfectly.
Here are some ideas that night be helpful as you learn to recognize and deal with feelings.
Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, "If it was OK to feel whatever I'm feeling and I wouldn't be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?"Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favourite standby of many people discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don't intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad.
Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might. Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness?
What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?
Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.
We are on a continual treasure hunt to recovery. One of the treasures we're seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don;t have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.
Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself

I enjoyed being able to speak with JH. I do feel so sad. I feel sad for him facing all that he is facing. I feel sad for me who is in love with him and letting go of that. I am pleased to have acceptance. It still hurts but I am no longer angry - well not so that I need to lash out.
It is easy to offer JH support. I do not know exactly what to do though. I hope that JH will know he can ask me.
It is possible to tolerate his untruths but it is difficult to trust him of course because of them. I hope that with time the trust can develop between us. Him being able to be more trusting that it is OK to be him (and this is not just with me) and my trust will grow as he becomes more trustworthy. But as a friend I can smile and just speak my own truth.

As for the reading I love that it helps me to give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. And I can remember that the feeling or emotion is separate from the behaviour. JH said that he doesn't like anger. Well I suppose anger can often mean that I have crossed someones boundary. And I am so terribly harsh on myself when I make mistakes. I feel like I am a let down or disappointment and I feel ashamed too which is of course the message from others shame - parents - that I have done something wrong as if intentional and suggesting I am a bad person. No, no, no!
A mistake is all it is and if someone is honest enough to tell me that they feel angry because of something I have done or said etc, then I can learn from their emotional response and make changes or practice changes in my behaviour or attitude and so on.  Be gentle with myself.
As for writing, well I swear by it. I do miss the hand written journal as I could doodle there or try to put the pictures in my head down even if stick men and such-like.
However I value these pages to empty my mind nd connect with the Unvierse. And acknowledge it's power not me!

Bliss
XX

Om

I have been thinking of a poem about a river - infact the line of my earlier Blog page is a line from my poem as yet not progressed. Then I came across The River God in the book that JG so gen erously donated on a lifetime loan to me. I thought that was such a lovely gesture. He said that it was because he and I had had such an inspired conversation about some poems and that he rarely gets an opportunity to discuss like that and he misses it. I felt very priviledged to be able to talk freely with my complete lack of education with someone so learned. And as with most things the original poem To His Coy Mistress led to discussions about metaphysical, John Donne and so on. Very, very interesting. I was upset that PD thinks my interest is more of an addicion rather than what I had though was a general inquisitiveness about the wonder of the world. I realised tonight that this is a similar message from my dad. Actually I said my dad but it was my mum who laughed and said I couldn't write a book when I told her that's what I was starting. She said I could never make it interesting and didn't have a goo command of vocabulary to be able to write. So I stopped there and then.
So now I do what I do just for fun and because I can. I will add my poem about the river when I ever get to working on it again. In the meantime I read this and it evoked a lot of feelings.

The River God (1957)
Stevie Smith
I may be smelly, and I may be old
Rough in my pebbles, reedy in my pools,
But where my fish float by I bless their swimming
And I like the people to bathe in me, especially women.
But I can drown the fools
Who bathe too close to the weir, contrary to rules.
And they take a long time drowning
As I throw them up now and then in a spirit of clowning.
Hi yih, yippity-yap, merrily I flow,
O I may be an old foul river but I have plenty of go.
Once there was a lady who was too bold.
She bathed in me by the tall black cliff where the water runs cold,
So I brought her down here
To be my beautiful dear.
Oh will she stay with me will she stay,
This beautiful lady, or will she go away?
She lies in my beautiful deep river bed with many a weed
To hold her, and many a waving reed.
Oh who would guess what a beautiful white face lies there
Waiting for me to smooth and wash away the fear
She looks at me with. Hi yi, do not let her
Go. There is no one on earth who does not forget her
Now. They say I am a foolish old smelly river
But they do not know of my wide original bed
Where the lady waits, with he golden sleepy head.
If she wishes to go I will not forgive her.

It's so eerie. Sinister. I started reading and thought at first of the power of nature, that the Universe is all so powerful.
Actually this brought to mind the earthquake in Christchurch. And how today the HD was flying to NZ because his brother had been discovered dead. How tragic. And the news that was tragic but distant suddenly became personalised even though I barely know my HD. I found it so tragically sad that he had realised that he was watching his brother being discovered under the rubble of a building as he watched the news here. He didn't realise it was his brother as he watched but learnt alter on. He of course was aware that his brother was missing. Poor man. Powerful planet earth. Destructive! We are no match. And I got this from the poem too.
It also brought to mind Hotel California - You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.
Another song/poem that is eerie and yet powerful. Stab it with your steely knife but you just can't kill the beast!
And an other thing came to mind whilst reading this poem -

 Millais' Ophelia
And I have had the privilege to see this. It was the beautiful white face. It just reminded me even though of course Ophelia is not at the bottom of the river. But also the weeds and the reeds, whilst Ophelia has flowers and colour.

River - Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

Joni gets it so spot on!
I would like to have her ability to put my feelings into words like this. Right now as I write this I woud like to be able to skate down a river or teach my feet to fly.
Not sure what is going on.
 
Bliss XX

Wednesday 23 February 2011

Eroding banks of a well worn journey.

Life's so called "tests," Bliss, aren't really tests at all. And to dispel a common misconception, they certainly aren't given by me.
They're just the facts and circumstances one has unintentionally crafted with their focus, that, ever so conveniently reveal powers not yet claimed and understandings not yet grasped.
Amazing how these things work themselves out, huh?
The Universe
  Mmm Universe I know - life is life. Nothing is a test or a practice ground. This is the real thing. I don;t believe the Universe or Higher Power puts anyone to test. As the reading says situations, events are the manifestations of earlier situations and events. Today is contributed to by the past and tomorrow is contributed by what we put into today. So in theory if I am aware and make conscious choices towards the healthier options there is a better change that tomorrow will be fulfilling. No guarantess though as there are the unpredicatble others not to mention the unpredictable unconscious as well as the possibility of mistakes.
It is what it is.
:)

We don;t always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, can not hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don;t want to get out of our pyjamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger. Those days are OK. They are just OK.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, God, help me to know that it is OK to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart".

I am glad to remind myself of this in this reading from The Language of Letting Go. I was beginning to believe once again tat it is not OK to be how I feel and that I am in the wrong for so being. But actually my strength does come from allowing me to be just how I am. I am enough. And when accepting how I feel I am then better placed to reach out and seek support.

Just a quick reference to JH. I had a thought about him having met someone new and not being able to be open about that even though there is nothing between us now than friends. I felt a stabbing in my heart and the longing all over again. This indicates my feelings still, as if I needed to have a reminder. But I am also able to remind myself that just as I said there is nothing more between us than friends or working at being friends. JH may not even want that I suppose. And I guess there is the learning about this for me. And as such what JH is doing is none of my business unless he makes it my business. Furthermore, I will trust unless shown otherwise. JH says he wants to be honest now and also says that this takes practice, that he cannot get this "right" all at once. A friend I suppose stands by with a smile and patience. It is not hurting me whether he his honest or not now. I can let go.
Phew. Relief.
I do wish him all the best with the next two days of what I know for me would be difficult matters of "business" but with emotions attached.

OK going to watch Grasslands - episode 6 of the Human Planet - a remarkable documentary in my humble opinion
Bliss
XX

Tuesday 22 February 2011

Me?

Real Emotional Girl – Randy Newman




She's a real emotional girl

She wears her heart on her sleeve

Every little thing you tell her

She'll believe

She really will

She even cries in her sleep

I've heard her

Many times before

I never had a girl who loved me

Half as much as this girl loves me

She's real emotional

For eighteen years she lived at home

She was Daddy's little girl

And Daddy helped her move out on her own

She met a boy

He broke her heart

And now she lives alone

And she's very, very careful

Yes she is



She's a real emotional girl

Lives down deep inside her heart

She turns on easy

It's like a hurricane

You would not believe it

You gotta hold on tight to her

She's a real emotional girl


Beguiling Uncertainty

TUT says that uncertainty is beguiling. It's funny because I used to thrive on uncertainty and when things became certain I would shake things up. Yet the uncertainty is also frightening and that's because of a lack of faith. I am really trying to practice my faith right now having been through a very difficult emotional time. I didn't like the chaos I felt and the trauma I go into. The uncertainty is always beguiling if I hold onto faith.
What I was talking about with ML the other evening is how she and I are similar in that we have not had a lifetime's experience - people, place or things. We have had a lifetime of experiences. And maybe that's our journey, nothing staying the same. In fact despite thinking I want that every time things have stood still is when things need shaking up.
I realised with SH that the relationship was changing and I was trying to change with it. SH seemed to want me to stay how I was and was not dealing well with me having new and different interests and he had no faith in me. With JH it was different. There was no stability in him. I am not having a dig at him. JH was not able to be honest with me or indeed others, therefore it was difficult to put trust in him. It is never possible of course to put 100% trust in a human as we after all human and changeable beings. But I think it is possible to be a dependable and honest type. I haven't been in the past and still hear myself tell white lies - all not really believing I am good enough as I am. Blah blah blah.
Anyway when I have some clarity which I do right now I see that I am fortunate that my life has in some ways suited my personality. It's always been a moving adventure. I would like though to meet someone who wants to be on the moving adventure with me - a companion to laugh smile and trust with. I have great friends to do this with but it's not the same as how I imagine an intimate loving partnership. Maybe I will never know but I have known intimacy and love and friendship. For that I am truly grateful.

I laughed at myself last night in the meeting. The chair was very bombastic (and on the continuum I would say it's the flip side of enthusiasm). He was telling though. HE was saying how he thought the fellowship let him down to begin with because no one grabbed him and started telling him what to do. He was very sharp and critical and then in his chair was telling how to do recovery. I was wriggling in discomfort listening to him, wanting to respond with showing up the differences and show him how wrong he is for me. I knew not to as it was my issue. He was just stating his. But it once again pointed out to me a. how wonderful the fellowship is as there is enough room for all types to be themselves with their own needs and wants. b. that I have this issue with being told.
Sometimes it's as if people talk to me as if I don't know. They assume that if I have a feeling that is one of the say more difficult feelings that I have to get it fixed!! Or they tell me what to do as if intellectually I could never have thought of that. They tell me like I have had no life experience.They tell me like they know what is best for me.
I really gets up nose!
I get very irritated and become stubborn and if its people I know well I become rebellious. That's been in me since a little girl. It's as if they do not listen to me and see me as an individual. They don't enquire about my needs and wants. Ah yes it's more about me changing because it suits their needs and wants.
It's different say with AM. She listens and identifies and suggests things that she has done but also has heard me and my specific situation.
I try to consider this at all times in my work. I am not so good in my private liaisons with friends. I think I tell sometimes what needs to be done. It is difficult too as sometimes its possible to see what others are doing and the pain that is bringing yet there is a way out for them.
This is my codependency. Both being told and telling. Let go!
I did last night. I laughed at myself and if there had been time I would have shared back with that humour. What is lovely about that is that I could see there and then. I didn't have to go away, rant and rave with someone else and be resentful. I was able to see me in the moment - well within the 30 minutes he was sharing. There was another guy who shared really well and funny but boy did he go on meaning there was little time for many other shares and I know two or three people who are harbouring a lot of pain.

Solving Problems - Language of Letting Go
I ask that you might help me work through all my problems, to your Glory and Honour

Many of us livevd in situations where it wasn't OK to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem dosn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is etablishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working throgh problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.

What a great reading. I know people who try to say thatb one is in a higher state of being if everything is looked at calmly. But it seems to me its a way of denyng problems as underneath all sorts of dysfunction is taking palce to try and give the semblance of calm. I knwo others whoa re just drinking the problems away. I get traumatised easily by problems. But this is when my eye is off the focus. I can see that in recent months. I took my focus off recovery and thoght I was all OK. Instyead of turning to recvovery for resourceful problem solving I tried to control it. Yuch - so ugly.
Actually today I do feel calmer and in the day too. I have really found solutions but I needed the support to do it. i used to think that was weakness and at times still do. But actually it's a really lovely feeling to have true serenity.
It helps too that menopausal symptoms have lifted. I think this is a problem for me. And the incredible hormonal shift brings with it a fuzzy head. Clarity of mind fuzzed over from time to time.

OK enough - need tog et ready for work and do a bit of reading. Have a chance to get ahead again as there is a half term week allowed for.

And furthermore I am fascinated by the workings of the body.

Byeeeeee
Bliss
X

Monday 21 February 2011

Hear you breathing me asleep

I always advocate never creating monsters when there are none, Bliss.
Primarily, of course, because there are none.
Boo,
The Universe

The romantic in me has held onto the memory of me lying and listening to JH breathing beside me in his slumber, holding me close to him. The safety I felt being with my Master and my love. And now that is gone. I will practice listening to the Universe breathing me to sleep. Memories don;t have to induce sadness only. I can feel a mix of the loveliness and joy of that feeling with him and sad that it no longer continues. Grieving towards acceptance.

How does this relate to there being no monsters? I am not scared in my home right now. I am scared of aloneness and how I traumatise at times through my emotions. But I am also very pleased that I am much more aware and can seek real support to level out. I successfully survived everything for as long as I can remember so did try and do everything by myself- privately.
Now I take delight in being able to reach out and allow myself all this everything I sense and feel. It is being human and it's the steps towards acceptance.
The monsters can't get me anymore if I don't let them and sometimes I need help

I would like to add to this that monsters can also be the looking for the difficulties only. I think it's important to acknowledge what is difficult and sometimes I focus too much on this because I think a lot of people try to overlook problems and issues. But it is not necessary to hold onto only these things. I think everything is on a continuum - for example stubbornness can be at the other end determination - . I also think the difficulties offer growth as it creates and opportunity for awareness to develop. I also think ease and contentment gives room for rest and soul joy and its a time to consolidate and assimilate. I suppose at some point nothing will seem difficult - it will simply be what it is. I think this is gained by traveling the path - reminds me of the journey of Siddhartha.

Bliss
X

Be careful what you ask for ...

Step 11 - prayer and meditation -
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I heard this read out on Saturday and this morning the thought of expectation has floated across my mind. Someone shared about the part expectation plays in disappointment.
I am disappointed that things have not turned out the way I had wanted them to with JH. He and I were just not the way I guess we had wanted each other to be.
Yes I know this again! I am sorry for all my friends who hear nothing other than this at the moment. This last 9 months or so has been really big in my life. I met JH without any expectation and then the way in which we interacted after a while tempted me into hope which I think became expectation. And when it was not met I have fallen into a pit.
Step Eleven suggests not to pray for anything for the self - ONLY for knowledge of God's will for us.
I prayed to meet someone. I feel that I would so like to meet a person that I can share living with - experiences and thoughts, emotional responses to situations and events, to laugh with - etc etc etc. I will always remember what ET's grandfather said - well you can if you want ask for anything at all. But what you have to realise is tat there are probably many many factors and people involved in providing what you are asking for. And if anyone person is not quite listening to properly (and probably no one is listening precisely) then what results will not necessarily be what you have asked for. Even if it initially looks like it is the answer to your prayers.
I get this a little today.
I wanted and asked. Everything appeared great but it didn't stay like that because all the things that weren't matching my expectations couldn't be.
I do ave so many people in my life and also so much - yet there is this desire in me that is never met.
I am glad that I always have the fellowship to fall into. I am not a person that stays right in the middle of the boat all the time - but in the same way as a teenager needs somewhere central and safe to fall back to whilst exploring this thing called life - I have it in the fellowship. I had always depended on my mum until she died. The thing is she let me wander off but also enabled and fixed. The fellowship doesn't do that. I can do anything at all and then when I come back fully on my knees yet again there is no judgement or fixing - just stability. More of the same message that I can take and interpret in my own way etc. The fellowship - not one person in particular - the whole process -. So I do not have to always parent myself. The fellowship offers the parenting and the love when I cannot love me.
Gosh I am feeling relieved to recognise this. Intellectually I know this stuff.
Sometimes I can really feel it in my soul. I trust that the more I practice living within all of this the more I will know - it's changed so much already from the day I started so there is even evidence that it is possible.
In this moment I suddenly do not feel the loneliness I have felt since JH and I have become apart.
It seemed so much that we were together and now it seems so distant.
Its strange because actually I can offer my closeness without any demands or needs today.
I trust though - I trust that everything is just how it is meant to be in this moment. Not to punish or teach - it just is and I can take lessons from it if I wish.
I feel the same for JH right now. It is how it is - there are lessons but that's not the primary reason - it has been a life experience for me and for that I am truly grateful.
JH is a wonderful man. I am a wonderful me. I know I have a lot of shortcomings that manifest in many ways when interacting with different people. I thank God for the opportunity to experience life. It is never ever dull

Thank you
Bliss
X

The gift of the present

 Living in the present
The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers, Have no regrets. relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here. Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within

21st Feb The Language of Letting go
ISBN 13:978-0-89486-637-1

Bliss
x


My Dad's Birthday

I called my dad yesterday! I remained adult whilst talking with him but also I noticed it's as if if I put on a plastic coating so that anything he might say (or not say) slips off me. Off course when the coating comes off after the call I crumble. And the coating can take a few days sometimes to come off.
But I am not crumbling at the moment. It disappoints me about me that I try to provoked an emotional response from him. We talk about nothing deeper than superficial nonsense. There is a format. I ask how he is, he tells me about his hospital visits. Then he asks me if I have heard from anyone and I always try and give the bad news to try and get him to show something like caring. He then comes back with something worse.
He also always has to attribute his ailments to something he picked up whilst in Korea.
He did ask me what I have been doing ... I keep it very vague. I haven't really been doing much it seems of a big nature so that it sounds like big news. That's what I have always been like - needing to have done wild things or large things to make myself interesting. But I have been working hard and preparing to negotiate with my bosses. I had a lovely evening at the theatre, I am feeling better just recently (will be glad when menopause symptoms have left me completely), my boyfriend and I have separated and I am trying to allow myself to heal and at the same time wishing to remain friends (this is really emotionally enormous), I have spent time with friends, I have been investing a lot more time into my studying and to my recovery, I am trying to save money to spend on travels, I have been discovering and being shown some lovely art and finding more and more interest. These are just examples of things that contribute to who I am and my dad doesn't have a clue.
I had mentioned to him, on the last occasion we met, that I have been writing poetry. He then spoke about his poetry writing. His is mainly sarcasm actually. It can be funny but really it is quite mean as it is at the expense of other people.
So the conversation ended with him not being available to meet today. I wish I had sent a card. I thought about it with intention  to send one. But I am so flipping lazy with these things. I always leave it until the last minute and then its too late. I used to be like that with my mum too. I don;t know why it is. I have them in my mind and it matters to me but I just don't do it.

I spoke with JH as well. I had sent a message earlier in the day because I am getting more and more calm as the days go by and my acceptance seeps in. I wrote about how sorry I am for my behaviour in reaction to all that had gone on.
We weren't able to actually talk. That's OK. Perhaps another time. It's less and less important. I am sorry for my part which is separate from my broken heart. I feel the loss and sadness still. But the acceptance of JH as is makes it a little easier. And with distance I can just be how I prefer me to be.
I hope he is able to ask his daughter how things are and have been for her. It would be an ideal opportunity to allow her to express herself in all of what has been going on. I know JH has worked hard and been taking professional support. It would be great if he could hear what his daughter thinks and feels and help her get to some acceptance with clear explanations and stability. I say this as he had mentioned how she withdraws and that he thinks she is saying positive things to her mum to please her. It would be good to know the truth from her rather than assume was my immediate thought. It's lovely that JH is taking time for his kids. I think with his work and probably a lot of online time and interest in women too has perhaps meant he is less available. But I hear in JH how much he wants to be good for everyone and then spreads himself thin.
I also know from JH how his place in the forest is a sanctuary for him. So I hope for him that it's restful time and fun and like breathing clean fresh air in to get rid of the illness he has. Recoup and re-energise.
I hope for only good for JH. I know that if he can use CoDA things can only get better and better.

I did a chair on Friday. I was invited because they have chairs from within the group. But I felt very honoured on the basis that it was only my second visit. I loved the fact that they keep the focus on feelings and when it was said that it's only a 10 minute share and we concentrate on feelings I was relieved and grateful. I have so many BIG emotions and some I just don't really know.
I shared about how I had been talking over lunch about a particular drunken occasion of mine and I was laughing at the memory of it. I noticed though a stony faced look on my lunch time fellows. Not alcoholics they did not really laugh at the past the way I was. And that's what AA has given me the ability to look back and be able to laugh without shame anymore. I have moved away from that. Although things like that were really me finding ways of expressing my adventurous and penned in self. It was like I found freedom but the only way I was able to allow myself was if inebriated. I still have a sort of pride about some antics. It's interesting. I don't want that sort of behaviour anymore but I do relish the freedom to be wild.

Now, I am avoiding starting my studies. A day of cleaning yesterday. Turning the place upside down. Partly it is because I actually cannot abide living here whilst I have these flipping moths. So everything has to be turned out regularly and hoovered. I don;t always turn out cupboards to hoover you see. That seems like too big a job to do on a regular basis. But now I am going to have to. Grrrrr.
I also walked a lot and wrote a lot.
I did not do any studying.

This afternoon LouLou is gong to the vet. I do not trust this vets. But they know her history now - I have to let them know I think that I am feeling anxious about the things that they have seemingly been negligent of in the past. They know about one occasion but I feel I need to remind them as it's such a big practice.
I can see LouLou ageing by the week at the moment. I love her so much. She has been with me through important years. I hope she will be with me for many more to come. 12 and will be 13 in November.







I have just received photos from my cousins birthday. It seems so sad to see her with no hair and so thin. She looks tired and old actually. She is 10 years younger than me. I am told that the chemo and the radiotherapy have not worked at all and the next option is to operate but it's such a  strange Cancer that has wrapped itself around her artery near her kidney. So an operation is very dangerous. No one has actually mentioned the possibility that there is a possibility that she is not going to survive very long. It's the unmentionable and yet there is more communication from Auntie O and Uncle R with a tone in there voice.
It's like a superstition that to mention the word death might bring it on.
I don;t know if its a general rule of thumb but I have noticed that in my mum's family they die shortly after their birthdays. In her photo she look thin and tired and grey but she is still smiling and up and about doing things. I think this is going to be tough year/ Gosh how can this happen so young. I know it does but it seems so close now. It happens to people further away from me usually.
It's odd I feel a sort of numbness about it. I have not been close with my family through anger really and through teaching. I am very negative about my family. I think I picked up the shame that my dad feels about people. I do not like it - it's judgemental and ugly. A lifetime of it seems difficult to shift.

I leave now very thoughtful and sad
Bliss
X

Sunday 20 February 2011

Wow! Music gives my spirit wings

Freewheel : Duke Special


Save me from the movies and someone else's dreams
While angels make their music and give my spirit wings
I just concertina and wrap around the world
Staying out 'til 6 o'clock and singing like a fool
I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips

I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don't want to lose this

Save my feet from dancing with anyone at all
Worn out shoes because lotus blue is hanging in the hall
You're a face in the distance I hope to recognise
It's like running through deep water trying to look into your eyes

I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips
I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don't want to lose this

Save me from the movies and someone else's dreams
While angels make their music and give my spirit wings
I just concertina and wrap around the world
Staying out 'til 6 o'clock and singing like a fool

I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips
I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don't want to lose this

Save my feet from dancing with anyone at all
Worn out shoes because lotus blue is hanging in the hall
You're a face in the distance I hope to recognise
It's like running through deep water trying to look into your eyes

I've only got this morning to live
Look at all the colours at my fingertips
I don't want to stand still
I just want to freewheel
I don;t want to lose this

Nasty safe place

I want you to hurt like I do
Randy Newman

I ran out on my children
And I ran out on my wife
Gonna run out on you too, baby
I done it all my life
Everybody cried the night I left
Well, almost everybody did
My little boy just hung his head
And I put my arm, put my arm around his little shoulder
And this is what I said:
"Sonny I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
Honest I do, honest I do, honest I do"

If I had one wish
One dream I knew would come true
I'd want to speak to all the people of the world
I'd get up there, I'd get up there on that platform
First I'd sing a song or two you know I would
Then I'll tell you what I'd do
I'd talk to the people and I'd say
"It's a rough rough world, it's a tough tough world
Well, you know
And things don't always, things don't always go the way we plan
But there's one thing, one thing we all have in common
And it's something everyone can understand
All over the world sing along
I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
I just want you to hurt like I do
Honest I do, honest I do, honest I do"



Metaphorically speaking!


 Duchamp - using a urinal as a fountain

. Model of something to use a urinal

Anti realism in a realistic way?

inexorable wheel of time

Time heals all they say. How much time I ask?

I have moments of real peace and smiles in my heart and soul. The longing and the aching washes over me suddenly, seemingly without reason - a association or a memory and the feeling of loss.

I have accepted that JH isn't in love with me. When I was able to enventually hear that it was like my heart shattered into a tiny million pieces. But I did hear him and appreciate the courage it took to tell me his truth.
It appears to me that letting go is such a huge fear for JH. I relate, not sure its in the same way but I am terrified of losing people. I am scared that if JH is with other people then we can't have anything between us.
And by anythign I mean nothing more than allowing the friendliness. And time for me to allow my hurt to subside.
With some acceptance some healing is moving in. I feel it in moments. Phew this is so tough. I have never felt such intimacy. I wonder if its different really for a man - Sex doesn't have such an emotional attachment often with men. I have never allowed myself to be so open and relaxed. It contributes to my sense of loss. But it's not the be and all.
It's the easy companionship we were able to have mainly that I am missing today. Sharing thoughts and being so totally at ease as a person. Although when I think of the doubt ----- where there is doubt, have faith.

St Francis of Assissi prayer - I heard this last night at the meeting. I so needed to hear the messgae of Step 11 last evening.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I felt quite ashamed really that I had not been able to apply any of this during the recent exchanges. Then I was more gentle on myself remembering that I am still so very new at this and not terribly well practiced. But I am doing my best and when reminded of the fullness of all these things can stand back.
I am very, very sorry for not being able to deal with the way things are better. I think from what JH is saying that actually he does hold the value of honesty.  This has nothing to do really with him not being in love with me. But I wanted him to see - instead of being gentle about this there have been times when my hurt has turned into anger which at times has been appropriate and acceptable anger. What is not OK is my behaviour at times. I don;t like the way I become sharp tongued and jibe. I also don't like how I have tried  to go over and over the problems trying to make JH see. It simply has ersulted in more and more divide.
I feel myself jibe out in my attempt to protect my poor little self who is just hurt time and time again byt people. I let them. I see that in my adulthood and I can also see how the pattern was set as my self worth was shaped way back then in childhood.
Today I am trying to have courage to not accept less than I deserve. It has been quicker this time than say with SH. And it doesn't compare with JB or CY. I have loved JH with such emormity. And now I need to unlove him . I love him as a human being and I value all that is still wonderful which is what makes it difficult to accept that it's over. And difficult to accept that he doesn't love me.
It takes time and at times it seems inexorable. I know that if I keep taking care of myself this will pass.
I feel able to offer friendship with time to JH. I hope there hasn't been too much damage for him to want this too.
I would love to be able to support him in this stage of his journey.
I hope that he might read this and know the depth of the meaning in my heart and be able to find forgiveness when my shortcomings emerge - past, and horribly in the future too. I don't want to say sorry yet as I cannot be certain that I won't make similar mistakes but as the hurt is submerging little by little I think I may have more awareness (please God?) and be able to choose to behave differently.
Please bear with me one and all.


I have also been able to once again cherish the gifts JH has left for me
his stool - his bowl - his spoon - his thingy-ma-jig.
Yes I am able to take a big breath and truly feel love. And gratitude.

I hope this feeling stays longer - everything passes I know but this is lovely to be able to feel.

Thanks God,

Bliss
XXX

My darkness has lifted in this moment. Thanks St Francis too :))