.... in a world that rewards conformists?
I don't know whose quote that is but it resonates. And then I will try to rebel just to have a voice. Yet the best way is to be neither rebel not conformist as they are really the same thing. So says Paul Vixie and goes on to say "find your own path and stay on it".
I think the anger I've felt this last week has been fuelled somewhat by trying to find my own path and staying on it yet having to adjust to others paths too.
The new team leader is a real challenge for me. I don;t feel safe. There is a viciousness that lashes out from time to time and a sincere lack of taking any responsibility for her actions. Furthermore, she is easily distracted. We were talking about a breech of contract and taking action as a consequence. Her case was based on what the client needs to work on and way off mark of the subject of the action to be taken for the breech. It was weird and both S and I were thinking and S said what has that got to do with it. Then she said well I'm not used to working this way which again had nothing to do with her complete distraction. It's a little weird to be honest.
My greatest difficulty is sitting watching the unit being changed and not in my opinion for the better. If only I could let go and just allow it all to happen. I don't know how to do that and so I'm praying hard. I become harsh in my judgements within the anger that wells up. I see S getting frazzled and the unit being compromised and eventually that will effect the clients and the programme and our reputation. I don't ever like t be part of something that is flailing as my reputation gets dragged in with it.
My anger was so raging yesterday. I stomped about the hospital making comments here and there. I didn't like what I saw in me. But at least I am looking at me.
unconscious incompetence - don't know what I don't know
conscious incompetence - the most painful but also the learning phase
conscious competence - starting to make changes and apply the lessons
unconscious competence - things become second nature
I have experience of the unconscious competence as there are changes that have become more natural over time and every so often I get a momentary realisation that these changes are a part of my everyday now.
The amazing thing is that I haven't had to use on any of this to date. I did think "duck it" last evening as I was driving home. I saw a person coming out of a supermarket with a big bag of goodies and my next thought was to go and get a bag of sugar products, get home and lunge on the settee chomping and watching films. I could almost taste the sugar flavours. I can even feel the urge as I'm writing about it - euphoric recall. But then thankfully I know this is not my food today thank you God. And I don;t want back all the misery that then ensues. The problem will still be there but ten-fold as I will be in internal agony yet again. So even though I'm struggling it is nowhere near as bad as it could be if I was using. And then today I drifted into a film that talked of depression and suicide. That is always an attractive option. The melancholy seems a sweet place to me, it beckons me constantly. Misty, lonely, dramatic and to be gone, a memory fading in the very same mist. That would be it. No more struggle. The greyness within would no longer have a home to be growing in me. Yet with my recovery I can keep it at bay. Sometimes it seems terrible that I am only keeping it at bay and it's never gone. But keeping it at bay I can have good times. Then it swapped to wanting to be with a man like Aidan Quinn or rather the good looking character that he represented on the screen. That makes me smile as I quickly start the fantasy and have to come back to reality. I am so committed to not being in any kind of relationship right now.
I feel sad when I think of JC - his reply was so kind. But it's so right.
So how God do I deal with this anger by which I mean allow myself to be angry about the real things and let go of the need to be escalating the anger. I feed it and then it's rage. I feed it with resentment that is my own doing, such as doing all the crossing of t's and dotting of i's where others aren't. I get a sense of power from the anger too. In talking today I heard and recognised the feeling of powerless I have brings fear so the power from anger seems to compensate. But really it's destructive. It is at the levels I'm talking about anyway. Destroying me and then I lash out. I do this by getting over involved and argumentative or gossipping which quickly goes beyond truth. I did that yesterday. I wish I hadn't but I did so what do I do about that now God? I am truly sorry. I don't think I exaggerated when I was talking to NL but I'm not sure I could put my hands on specifics. I have to prepare myself for that. I was very pleased with the way he stopped to ask and listen. It was a change in him I really appreciated. And reassuring that there is some stability in the hospital now. Maybe he's finding his confidence??
God I offer these people to you - L, N, A. Please protect them.
Then there was the hospital on Tuesday. That was so violating and afterwards I just felt so tearful. It was odd as I left. Coming out of a lift was a man in a wheelchair, very pale faced and in a white gown. Then I noticed a very silver, long chain connecting him to one of the two people behind him. One was pushing the wheelchair. They were both in uniform. I tried not to be too obvious about looking. I wish I had looked more. At one point they were standing chatting with this very silent, white man, headed tilted down sitting without moving. I felt for him but at the same time wondered what sort of criminal he was. I felt vulnerable and exposed. My skin crawled. I didn't want him looking at all the people especially the children. There was something sinister I felt inside of me. I am so dramatic I think. Perhaps I need to listen to my instincts so as just to be wary. But I also believe in the good in everyone although it might be dug in deep under all the blackness. After all I am only sometimes consciously incompetent.
I called my dad in my extra vulnerable state. Really I wanted my mum. Oh I considered a sugar binge that day too. Similar thinking actually. Please God help me to get rid of this thinking in case it gets more powerful and becomes the binge. I just wanted to go home and curl up and hold myself from the violation I was feeling. I am concerned about the results. Something is so not right and hasn't been for a while. They found nothing untoward last time apart from a polyp, probably in the same place. They thought that was the cause of the bleeding. I keep bleeding but I am hoping it is a result only of the procedure. If it hasn't stopped next week I will go back. Having been offended by L with regard to the hospital appointment on Tuesday I didn't try to make a convenient time for the scan appointment I now have. It seems that they couldn't see all of my womb with the internal ultra-sound because not only is my womb tilted backwards but it is over to the side. She also had problems finding my womb through all the irritable bowel symptoms. I was amazed to see it and kind of glad to have it confirmed visually. It's never been actually confirmed as a diagnosis. But I felt myself swell in the morning and the pain was there. Then to see all the holes filled with gas apparently and she said that this should be completely flat. It was worrying really but not surprising its painful.
So calling my dad resulted in little comfort from him. I braved saying that I had been at the hospital and suddenly someone in the background was calling out. I'm not sure who it was but he wanted to get off the line. He ignored the fact I'd been in the hospital even though I'd made myself vulnerable and told him. He lied I believe about who had come in the door, it just sounded odd in his tone. Anyway, that's my dad. As I write this I remember that he cannot be different and it's not a personal thing against me, even though at the time and often it does feel like that. Tank goodness God is my parent.
I thought this the other day looking at the wonderful moment when the sperm meets the egg. An electrifying energetic moment. So powerful to create life. The man and the woman are merely vessels of the two elements. God gives the life to the combination. The mother has the privilege of carrying the life. But then they are are imperfect human beings mostly unconsciously incompetent. Some people are more conscious in their incompetence and then some others are wanting to be consciously competent. To be honest my dad was conscious of incompetence, always saying he should ever have been a father. The problem was he didn't want to or didn't know how to make the changes. And that has a cost.
So today I have felt very tired. And things are fling aroun my mind. The consequence has been on my ability to focus on my studying. I watched instead Sarah's Key, walked LouLou and dozed. Oh and listened to music. I love listening to music. I love creativity, art. I am inspired at such a deep level inside of me. It's like sparkles sparkle in me. I am thankful to God for this appreciation. I sparkle when I see the sun rising or the sun setting and the moon appearing with the stars. I marvel at God's creativity and when it shines through people it's just as glorious. Sounds of the sun rise that make me smile.
I need to hoover so that it's decent tomorrow when A and M visit. I need to food shop for them too. I need to get to Petersfield by 6 I think. Bloody hell it's 5. I won't make it. I wonder what time they open in the morning. I could go before I go to Uni.Hmm it opens at 8am. I need to leave here at 9 am.
If I left here at 7:15 I cold shop at Sainsburys Alton on the way but then the stuff has to stay in the car for a couple of hours. Hmmmm. I should have gone earlier.
So much to do ..... ad I've lounged around a lot today. Mind you I did update my CV and send it off to the agency. I put some good action in to bring about change if change is meant to be. I need to trust in God to show me the way.
I was surprised that the agency have knowledge of Sporting Chance. And it's a good job they asked about the CRB as now that's being updated too.
I just need some money now. I'm overdrawn again and there's no spare money anywhere to draw from - so a 4 day week at lesser income will not be do-able. I need £25 gross for 4 days no pro-rata and that's the minimum. Bloody hell everything is becoming so so expensive. Thank goodness for some 1:1's recently and some overtime even though I need the time. I can't have both it seems at this job.
So yes some positive action and a little studying even though mnimal. And some well needed rest.
OK off to have my lovely clean food meal - thank you God for another abstinent day and room for growth and freedom. And thank you too for the facility to talk to people and write this all out.
Bliss
XX
I don't know whose quote that is but it resonates. And then I will try to rebel just to have a voice. Yet the best way is to be neither rebel not conformist as they are really the same thing. So says Paul Vixie and goes on to say "find your own path and stay on it".
I think the anger I've felt this last week has been fuelled somewhat by trying to find my own path and staying on it yet having to adjust to others paths too.
The new team leader is a real challenge for me. I don;t feel safe. There is a viciousness that lashes out from time to time and a sincere lack of taking any responsibility for her actions. Furthermore, she is easily distracted. We were talking about a breech of contract and taking action as a consequence. Her case was based on what the client needs to work on and way off mark of the subject of the action to be taken for the breech. It was weird and both S and I were thinking and S said what has that got to do with it. Then she said well I'm not used to working this way which again had nothing to do with her complete distraction. It's a little weird to be honest.
My greatest difficulty is sitting watching the unit being changed and not in my opinion for the better. If only I could let go and just allow it all to happen. I don't know how to do that and so I'm praying hard. I become harsh in my judgements within the anger that wells up. I see S getting frazzled and the unit being compromised and eventually that will effect the clients and the programme and our reputation. I don't ever like t be part of something that is flailing as my reputation gets dragged in with it.
My anger was so raging yesterday. I stomped about the hospital making comments here and there. I didn't like what I saw in me. But at least I am looking at me.
unconscious incompetence - don't know what I don't know
conscious incompetence - the most painful but also the learning phase
conscious competence - starting to make changes and apply the lessons
unconscious competence - things become second nature
I have experience of the unconscious competence as there are changes that have become more natural over time and every so often I get a momentary realisation that these changes are a part of my everyday now.
The amazing thing is that I haven't had to use on any of this to date. I did think "duck it" last evening as I was driving home. I saw a person coming out of a supermarket with a big bag of goodies and my next thought was to go and get a bag of sugar products, get home and lunge on the settee chomping and watching films. I could almost taste the sugar flavours. I can even feel the urge as I'm writing about it - euphoric recall. But then thankfully I know this is not my food today thank you God. And I don;t want back all the misery that then ensues. The problem will still be there but ten-fold as I will be in internal agony yet again. So even though I'm struggling it is nowhere near as bad as it could be if I was using. And then today I drifted into a film that talked of depression and suicide. That is always an attractive option. The melancholy seems a sweet place to me, it beckons me constantly. Misty, lonely, dramatic and to be gone, a memory fading in the very same mist. That would be it. No more struggle. The greyness within would no longer have a home to be growing in me. Yet with my recovery I can keep it at bay. Sometimes it seems terrible that I am only keeping it at bay and it's never gone. But keeping it at bay I can have good times. Then it swapped to wanting to be with a man like Aidan Quinn or rather the good looking character that he represented on the screen. That makes me smile as I quickly start the fantasy and have to come back to reality. I am so committed to not being in any kind of relationship right now.
I feel sad when I think of JC - his reply was so kind. But it's so right.
So how God do I deal with this anger by which I mean allow myself to be angry about the real things and let go of the need to be escalating the anger. I feed it and then it's rage. I feed it with resentment that is my own doing, such as doing all the crossing of t's and dotting of i's where others aren't. I get a sense of power from the anger too. In talking today I heard and recognised the feeling of powerless I have brings fear so the power from anger seems to compensate. But really it's destructive. It is at the levels I'm talking about anyway. Destroying me and then I lash out. I do this by getting over involved and argumentative or gossipping which quickly goes beyond truth. I did that yesterday. I wish I hadn't but I did so what do I do about that now God? I am truly sorry. I don't think I exaggerated when I was talking to NL but I'm not sure I could put my hands on specifics. I have to prepare myself for that. I was very pleased with the way he stopped to ask and listen. It was a change in him I really appreciated. And reassuring that there is some stability in the hospital now. Maybe he's finding his confidence??
God I offer these people to you - L, N, A. Please protect them.
Then there was the hospital on Tuesday. That was so violating and afterwards I just felt so tearful. It was odd as I left. Coming out of a lift was a man in a wheelchair, very pale faced and in a white gown. Then I noticed a very silver, long chain connecting him to one of the two people behind him. One was pushing the wheelchair. They were both in uniform. I tried not to be too obvious about looking. I wish I had looked more. At one point they were standing chatting with this very silent, white man, headed tilted down sitting without moving. I felt for him but at the same time wondered what sort of criminal he was. I felt vulnerable and exposed. My skin crawled. I didn't want him looking at all the people especially the children. There was something sinister I felt inside of me. I am so dramatic I think. Perhaps I need to listen to my instincts so as just to be wary. But I also believe in the good in everyone although it might be dug in deep under all the blackness. After all I am only sometimes consciously incompetent.
I called my dad in my extra vulnerable state. Really I wanted my mum. Oh I considered a sugar binge that day too. Similar thinking actually. Please God help me to get rid of this thinking in case it gets more powerful and becomes the binge. I just wanted to go home and curl up and hold myself from the violation I was feeling. I am concerned about the results. Something is so not right and hasn't been for a while. They found nothing untoward last time apart from a polyp, probably in the same place. They thought that was the cause of the bleeding. I keep bleeding but I am hoping it is a result only of the procedure. If it hasn't stopped next week I will go back. Having been offended by L with regard to the hospital appointment on Tuesday I didn't try to make a convenient time for the scan appointment I now have. It seems that they couldn't see all of my womb with the internal ultra-sound because not only is my womb tilted backwards but it is over to the side. She also had problems finding my womb through all the irritable bowel symptoms. I was amazed to see it and kind of glad to have it confirmed visually. It's never been actually confirmed as a diagnosis. But I felt myself swell in the morning and the pain was there. Then to see all the holes filled with gas apparently and she said that this should be completely flat. It was worrying really but not surprising its painful.
So calling my dad resulted in little comfort from him. I braved saying that I had been at the hospital and suddenly someone in the background was calling out. I'm not sure who it was but he wanted to get off the line. He ignored the fact I'd been in the hospital even though I'd made myself vulnerable and told him. He lied I believe about who had come in the door, it just sounded odd in his tone. Anyway, that's my dad. As I write this I remember that he cannot be different and it's not a personal thing against me, even though at the time and often it does feel like that. Tank goodness God is my parent.
I thought this the other day looking at the wonderful moment when the sperm meets the egg. An electrifying energetic moment. So powerful to create life. The man and the woman are merely vessels of the two elements. God gives the life to the combination. The mother has the privilege of carrying the life. But then they are are imperfect human beings mostly unconsciously incompetent. Some people are more conscious in their incompetence and then some others are wanting to be consciously competent. To be honest my dad was conscious of incompetence, always saying he should ever have been a father. The problem was he didn't want to or didn't know how to make the changes. And that has a cost.
So today I have felt very tired. And things are fling aroun my mind. The consequence has been on my ability to focus on my studying. I watched instead Sarah's Key, walked LouLou and dozed. Oh and listened to music. I love listening to music. I love creativity, art. I am inspired at such a deep level inside of me. It's like sparkles sparkle in me. I am thankful to God for this appreciation. I sparkle when I see the sun rising or the sun setting and the moon appearing with the stars. I marvel at God's creativity and when it shines through people it's just as glorious. Sounds of the sun rise that make me smile.
I need to hoover so that it's decent tomorrow when A and M visit. I need to food shop for them too. I need to get to Petersfield by 6 I think. Bloody hell it's 5. I won't make it. I wonder what time they open in the morning. I could go before I go to Uni.Hmm it opens at 8am. I need to leave here at 9 am.
If I left here at 7:15 I cold shop at Sainsburys Alton on the way but then the stuff has to stay in the car for a couple of hours. Hmmmm. I should have gone earlier.
So much to do ..... ad I've lounged around a lot today. Mind you I did update my CV and send it off to the agency. I put some good action in to bring about change if change is meant to be. I need to trust in God to show me the way.
I was surprised that the agency have knowledge of Sporting Chance. And it's a good job they asked about the CRB as now that's being updated too.
I just need some money now. I'm overdrawn again and there's no spare money anywhere to draw from - so a 4 day week at lesser income will not be do-able. I need £25 gross for 4 days no pro-rata and that's the minimum. Bloody hell everything is becoming so so expensive. Thank goodness for some 1:1's recently and some overtime even though I need the time. I can't have both it seems at this job.
So yes some positive action and a little studying even though mnimal. And some well needed rest.
OK off to have my lovely clean food meal - thank you God for another abstinent day and room for growth and freedom. And thank you too for the facility to talk to people and write this all out.
Bliss
XX
