A reflection of the week will only just about sum up the detail of all that I have observed and learnt about myself this week.
Monday was the day of the returning boss. It is in hindsight that I realise that actually I was full of terror. I was tense all day. And expecting a tirade. I can't remember the details of the day now, thank goodness. But what I can see is a process within me. The terror developed into a growing mania. I was on the phone to V and at the same time sketching. I was on the phone for quite some time. It was interesting listening to V speaking about himself and his situations. At that point I could sense the mania was escalating in me. The sketch was complete and it was suddenly important to scan it and download it onto all the various outlets right there and then. I think I did some other things and ended up getting to bed very late. Then at 2:20 am my mobile phone went off. I recall switching it off. About 20 minutes later my landline rang. This time I got up always worried that when the landline rings it will be my dad or about my dad. I could hear talking but not to me. Someone had dialled my number in error it would seem. I went off to sleep.
Then my alarm went off as normal and up I got. It was my turn for Aftercare so I had the entire morning, something I cherish. However, I was manic I think. And what was a revelation is that the stress and terror had been the trigger to the mania. Now there were several things that happened. I got involved texting and emailing JH which resulted in me missing my regular call to my sponsor.That has not happened before. And you know what I did as soon as I realised? Apart from dialling the number knowing she had left. I left a message saying that I had tried calling and it was engaged and then got distracted. That was a lie. So another realisation is that I pick up a lie as easily as I pick up food. I lied to avoid being disliked and a bad girl and then being rejected. More abandonment is just a horrible feeling that is so ingrained and automatic that I don't even feel it. So I learnt to lie resulting in me not getting i trouble at that moment. The problem is that something wouldn't be sitting right in me and so between me and the person I had lied to and ultimately I was untrustworthy. And it always gets found out one way or another. Thank goodness I was able to get hold of my sponsor later in the day and whilst I didn't discuss the whole lie thing I did explain the truth of what happened.
So anyway prior to eventually speaking with my sponsor I became repeatedly warned that I was being airy and not present. I burnt the saucepan twice. I'd already missed the call. There were a strong of events that showed me that I was slightly off the wall. Not completely. I have been there and this was mild. Anyway speaking to my sponsor was somewhat grounding. And then I spoke with E from FA. I had seen her website as I was sending the link for JH to take a look at. By the way he passed comment that he liked what he saw. I hope he managed to get in contact and see her work. There is one piece which she thinks is serenity that really looks exactly that serene and tactile. I want to see her work and am hoping to get to her studio or something when I go to Brighton next week.
So I called E and she suggested I stop before I go into work and listen, really listen to some classical music. Good idea. And that's just what I did. I listened to every instrument I could distinguish. And it worked. I went in to work and we had supervision. I went with the flow.
Now here was an interesting change. L kicked the meeting off talking about a client she is working with on a 1:1 basis. Of specific interest though was her lack of basic skills. As I listened and the saw the others chipping in, I carried on listening. At the right moment for me I made a suggestion but not after S had been pointing something out that L was disputing as she does. I asked her something in a different way, attempting to really hear her and this gave me the inroad as well to make a suggestion. I want to become more practiced at really hearing through my listening. I want this both in my working practise and my day to day interactions with friends and fellows. Anyway I am judgemental when I say some of the things seemed the very basics of what we do, which further confirms S's suspicions that she is a rooky. In myself I observed how immediately angry I felt that she was using our clinical supervision for her 1:1 client. A client we have never and are unlikely to meet. The others seemed to go with the flow of it so I stopped myself and went with the flow too. It was opportune in watching and participating in supporting her floundering. She was talking about how this client gushes everything out and also L displayed her resentment and judgement towards another treatment facility but also her complete grandiosity. She accused the other place of not working, in a round about way. Which she manipulated into saying that she felt an obligation to get this client well. I think she thinks she offers the best treatment. And yet I also think she is hugely out of her depth. people in glass houses ..... my training is very basic! I am glad I stopped to listen. It took a lot of our time and A pointed out the similarity between what she called it flooding and how L was flooding us with the story of this client. We did get on with some other matters but there was little time for the entire group after A had told us about family groups.
I loved Aftercare but got back very late and still had to prepare my meals. There was a message from my dad on the answer machine. He said that he was in hospital for observation. He didn't say where or for how long but said he would call me when he could. He hasn't yet. By Thursday morning my anxiety was rising and I decided to try and track him down. I found out he was on G9 ward. This made me smile in a way as that was a little family joke. There was a juke box in the hotel in Corfu King somebody hotel. My mum, dad, Karen (my friend) and I. Poor Karen was struggling with alopecia at the time. It was also her first flight ever. There was a particular song G9, a Greek song that we played over and over again. The staff in the hotel would dance with us some evenings. I don't actually recall how old we were. My ad liked it too. Anyway I was able to discover that G9 was the renal ward. I found this out mainly because the switchboard put me through to G7 who said he was on G9, yes I already knew that and before they transferred me I asked what the ward was. The renal ward which instantly worried me. My dad had a kidney transplant in 2000 or was it earlier. No I really think it was 2000. My mum died in November 2001. He married T in Sep 2002. Blimey! It all still surprises me. Anyway I was put through explained I was my dad's daughter and that he had left a message to say he was in. The nurse started saying he is comfortable but ... She hesitated and then said I can't give you any information over the phone over than to say he is comfortable and walking about and not in any pain. That sounds ominous. I am sure the stress of T being in intensive care is not assisting his own health issues. I am scared for him. I doubt he is telling me anything close to the truth. Anyway I nearly skulked off into oblivion again by saying thank you and putting the phone down. Instead I asked her if she could give my dad my mobile number. She took it and I juddered from within with fear. Thinking of the wrath of my dad when he discovered that I had tracked him down. There was a missed call from a mobile I didn't recognise. Twice. That would infuriate him even more, that having left the message to call I wasn't answering my phone. In the past there were occasions when he called at work and would bawl me out because I was busy. My goodness my dad is an angry man. Anyway I decided I could face his wrath. I was prepared to say that I had been concerned and just wanted to let him know I was anxious to know how he was doing. In my mind there was an image from Xmen2. One of the characters steps outside to take on the full brimstone and fury fire of the planet. She knew she would die but faced it anyway for the greater good, i.e. her patriots. That was what I envisioned for me. I would stand there and take it except the various ages of me are my patriots and this time it would be highly unlikely I would die. Anyway every day I wait and still no news.
Tomorrow I am going to London with GB. We'll be going to Sir John Soanes Museum and British Museum. I think I feel somewhat guilty because I ma not visiting my ad. But then I also want to respect his wishes to keep me out of things. I just would like him to know I care and am waiting with angst all of the time. What if he were to die? Would anyone call me? Is T still in intensive care? How serious is this situation for my dad? Will I get any inheritance.
What I have had is a degree of acceptance that this is how he treats me. I feel enormous sadness for the all the wrongs I brought to his door. I feel so sad that our relationships has been so troubled for so long. I feel anger towards him too. I also feel acceptance that this is just the way he is. He is not going to change for me. But as I've said I am prepared to face the wrath. It is becoming similar with L.
I no longer need to hear her nonsense. And on Wednesday evening I said that I need some allocated time in a week to do outstanding admin and also I haven't done any FFg for ages. So suddenly she said she would do the majority of the groups. Blimey! And she did. I got one discharge summary done. The rest of the time I was the photocopier copying, or on my phone or email texting and emailing. That's what I do a lot of.So this was more enormous selection for acceptances. I asked myself yesterday evening if this was false? I am truly hoping it's not but also it feels right and there's no explanation of that. What a beautiful sight, unity amongst a team of clients mainly wanting to work and bring about change. It's remarkable and peaceful.
So the biggest thing this far into recovery is the acceptance that's there. It goes when I need to rely on God and keep praying for the trust to have a belief in something other than simply me, although God is within me too. I believe God is in me and working through me.
The clairvoyant now says it's time to move on I've been there a long time now.
However I later caught him having had a biscuit. Now the same and guilt he'll be feeling could easily result in the blaming the recommendation or the room etc. Lets hope D is well enough to have boundaries in the group.
Oh then there was more contact with JH. And a little excitement was there. I have since spoken with him. As I was listening I realised nothing had changed. At first hearing his voice was enticing despite my feelings of shame from the past behaviour. But then as I listened more I realised that I was getting beyond everything now. His circumstances and my distrust was of no interest to me. It is nice to be able to be friends in some way. It is lovely that he has invited me to dinner. And I accepted. He is staying in places that I've been able to recommend. And that's all there is to it.
I met JB on Thursday and listening to his passion for his latest music project. I hope something comes of it for him. However, there is something missing for JB. It has never happened so far. Now is that a distinct lack of popularity and being an interest for a minority. Or is it just not having the breaks. Or is it his controlling of it all. I'm not sure but it would be nice if something he valued came of it such as to be able to play something of his or to get a comment from someone he respects musically,. like David Bowie he mentioned. If only he were in the rooms he could tag along an meet RS or Ec, not that he respects EC.
It was a pleasant time and I was able to share with him how I feel more acceptant of my dad. The sadness, the hurt, the anger still exists but I don't have to over dramatise it. I don;t need to share it everywhere. I don;t need to act out. So far anyway.
And then at work I have been light and breezy. She brought up the fact that we haven't sorted out our differences and said that's why she doesn't get on with me when learning that I am a Gemini. She is a Taurus. But in the main I have deferred to her everytime I have heard her resistance and a battle starting. And I have also remained me. Only this afternoon did I feel scratchy and it slipped out sideways when a client was relapsing by eating biscuits. I had seen him make a mad dash from the gathering outside. I had actually thought he as coming to get his phone so took the box outside only to discover him with his face filled with biscuit. He laughed afterwards probably nervously and I said "you've relapsed". I said no more and could have said that he needed to talk to his peer group about this. I didn't.I noticed then that I was feeling disappointed but also tired from the week and I wanted to get home. I did and then on to my meeting. What laughs we have there.
I don't recall precise details over the next few days so some of this may appear sketchy considering I am thinking this to be a week of a lot of progress in change. Just for today huh!!
I think I've probably skipped a lot of the little parts of me that have come into the consciousness. It's a real proud moment when a person grows before my eyes including myself. I feel so very fortunate. Thank you God.
Off to sleep as my eyes are drooping heavily and I have to keep reading what I've written as I'm almost asleep.
Goodnight
Bliss
XX
Monday was the day of the returning boss. It is in hindsight that I realise that actually I was full of terror. I was tense all day. And expecting a tirade. I can't remember the details of the day now, thank goodness. But what I can see is a process within me. The terror developed into a growing mania. I was on the phone to V and at the same time sketching. I was on the phone for quite some time. It was interesting listening to V speaking about himself and his situations. At that point I could sense the mania was escalating in me. The sketch was complete and it was suddenly important to scan it and download it onto all the various outlets right there and then. I think I did some other things and ended up getting to bed very late. Then at 2:20 am my mobile phone went off. I recall switching it off. About 20 minutes later my landline rang. This time I got up always worried that when the landline rings it will be my dad or about my dad. I could hear talking but not to me. Someone had dialled my number in error it would seem. I went off to sleep.
Then my alarm went off as normal and up I got. It was my turn for Aftercare so I had the entire morning, something I cherish. However, I was manic I think. And what was a revelation is that the stress and terror had been the trigger to the mania. Now there were several things that happened. I got involved texting and emailing JH which resulted in me missing my regular call to my sponsor.That has not happened before. And you know what I did as soon as I realised? Apart from dialling the number knowing she had left. I left a message saying that I had tried calling and it was engaged and then got distracted. That was a lie. So another realisation is that I pick up a lie as easily as I pick up food. I lied to avoid being disliked and a bad girl and then being rejected. More abandonment is just a horrible feeling that is so ingrained and automatic that I don't even feel it. So I learnt to lie resulting in me not getting i trouble at that moment. The problem is that something wouldn't be sitting right in me and so between me and the person I had lied to and ultimately I was untrustworthy. And it always gets found out one way or another. Thank goodness I was able to get hold of my sponsor later in the day and whilst I didn't discuss the whole lie thing I did explain the truth of what happened.
So anyway prior to eventually speaking with my sponsor I became repeatedly warned that I was being airy and not present. I burnt the saucepan twice. I'd already missed the call. There were a strong of events that showed me that I was slightly off the wall. Not completely. I have been there and this was mild. Anyway speaking to my sponsor was somewhat grounding. And then I spoke with E from FA. I had seen her website as I was sending the link for JH to take a look at. By the way he passed comment that he liked what he saw. I hope he managed to get in contact and see her work. There is one piece which she thinks is serenity that really looks exactly that serene and tactile. I want to see her work and am hoping to get to her studio or something when I go to Brighton next week.
So I called E and she suggested I stop before I go into work and listen, really listen to some classical music. Good idea. And that's just what I did. I listened to every instrument I could distinguish. And it worked. I went in to work and we had supervision. I went with the flow.
Now here was an interesting change. L kicked the meeting off talking about a client she is working with on a 1:1 basis. Of specific interest though was her lack of basic skills. As I listened and the saw the others chipping in, I carried on listening. At the right moment for me I made a suggestion but not after S had been pointing something out that L was disputing as she does. I asked her something in a different way, attempting to really hear her and this gave me the inroad as well to make a suggestion. I want to become more practiced at really hearing through my listening. I want this both in my working practise and my day to day interactions with friends and fellows. Anyway I am judgemental when I say some of the things seemed the very basics of what we do, which further confirms S's suspicions that she is a rooky. In myself I observed how immediately angry I felt that she was using our clinical supervision for her 1:1 client. A client we have never and are unlikely to meet. The others seemed to go with the flow of it so I stopped myself and went with the flow too. It was opportune in watching and participating in supporting her floundering. She was talking about how this client gushes everything out and also L displayed her resentment and judgement towards another treatment facility but also her complete grandiosity. She accused the other place of not working, in a round about way. Which she manipulated into saying that she felt an obligation to get this client well. I think she thinks she offers the best treatment. And yet I also think she is hugely out of her depth. people in glass houses ..... my training is very basic! I am glad I stopped to listen. It took a lot of our time and A pointed out the similarity between what she called it flooding and how L was flooding us with the story of this client. We did get on with some other matters but there was little time for the entire group after A had told us about family groups.
I loved Aftercare but got back very late and still had to prepare my meals. There was a message from my dad on the answer machine. He said that he was in hospital for observation. He didn't say where or for how long but said he would call me when he could. He hasn't yet. By Thursday morning my anxiety was rising and I decided to try and track him down. I found out he was on G9 ward. This made me smile in a way as that was a little family joke. There was a juke box in the hotel in Corfu King somebody hotel. My mum, dad, Karen (my friend) and I. Poor Karen was struggling with alopecia at the time. It was also her first flight ever. There was a particular song G9, a Greek song that we played over and over again. The staff in the hotel would dance with us some evenings. I don't actually recall how old we were. My ad liked it too. Anyway I was able to discover that G9 was the renal ward. I found this out mainly because the switchboard put me through to G7 who said he was on G9, yes I already knew that and before they transferred me I asked what the ward was. The renal ward which instantly worried me. My dad had a kidney transplant in 2000 or was it earlier. No I really think it was 2000. My mum died in November 2001. He married T in Sep 2002. Blimey! It all still surprises me. Anyway I was put through explained I was my dad's daughter and that he had left a message to say he was in. The nurse started saying he is comfortable but ... She hesitated and then said I can't give you any information over the phone over than to say he is comfortable and walking about and not in any pain. That sounds ominous. I am sure the stress of T being in intensive care is not assisting his own health issues. I am scared for him. I doubt he is telling me anything close to the truth. Anyway I nearly skulked off into oblivion again by saying thank you and putting the phone down. Instead I asked her if she could give my dad my mobile number. She took it and I juddered from within with fear. Thinking of the wrath of my dad when he discovered that I had tracked him down. There was a missed call from a mobile I didn't recognise. Twice. That would infuriate him even more, that having left the message to call I wasn't answering my phone. In the past there were occasions when he called at work and would bawl me out because I was busy. My goodness my dad is an angry man. Anyway I decided I could face his wrath. I was prepared to say that I had been concerned and just wanted to let him know I was anxious to know how he was doing. In my mind there was an image from Xmen2. One of the characters steps outside to take on the full brimstone and fury fire of the planet. She knew she would die but faced it anyway for the greater good, i.e. her patriots. That was what I envisioned for me. I would stand there and take it except the various ages of me are my patriots and this time it would be highly unlikely I would die. Anyway every day I wait and still no news.
Tomorrow I am going to London with GB. We'll be going to Sir John Soanes Museum and British Museum. I think I feel somewhat guilty because I ma not visiting my ad. But then I also want to respect his wishes to keep me out of things. I just would like him to know I care and am waiting with angst all of the time. What if he were to die? Would anyone call me? Is T still in intensive care? How serious is this situation for my dad? Will I get any inheritance.
What I have had is a degree of acceptance that this is how he treats me. I feel enormous sadness for the all the wrongs I brought to his door. I feel so sad that our relationships has been so troubled for so long. I feel anger towards him too. I also feel acceptance that this is just the way he is. He is not going to change for me. But as I've said I am prepared to face the wrath. It is becoming similar with L.
I no longer need to hear her nonsense. And on Wednesday evening I said that I need some allocated time in a week to do outstanding admin and also I haven't done any FFg for ages. So suddenly she said she would do the majority of the groups. Blimey! And she did. I got one discharge summary done. The rest of the time I was the photocopier copying, or on my phone or email texting and emailing. That's what I do a lot of.So this was more enormous selection for acceptances. I asked myself yesterday evening if this was false? I am truly hoping it's not but also it feels right and there's no explanation of that. What a beautiful sight, unity amongst a team of clients mainly wanting to work and bring about change. It's remarkable and peaceful.
So the biggest thing this far into recovery is the acceptance that's there. It goes when I need to rely on God and keep praying for the trust to have a belief in something other than simply me, although God is within me too. I believe God is in me and working through me.
The clairvoyant now says it's time to move on I've been there a long time now.
However I later caught him having had a biscuit. Now the same and guilt he'll be feeling could easily result in the blaming the recommendation or the room etc. Lets hope D is well enough to have boundaries in the group.
Oh then there was more contact with JH. And a little excitement was there. I have since spoken with him. As I was listening I realised nothing had changed. At first hearing his voice was enticing despite my feelings of shame from the past behaviour. But then as I listened more I realised that I was getting beyond everything now. His circumstances and my distrust was of no interest to me. It is nice to be able to be friends in some way. It is lovely that he has invited me to dinner. And I accepted. He is staying in places that I've been able to recommend. And that's all there is to it.
I met JB on Thursday and listening to his passion for his latest music project. I hope something comes of it for him. However, there is something missing for JB. It has never happened so far. Now is that a distinct lack of popularity and being an interest for a minority. Or is it just not having the breaks. Or is it his controlling of it all. I'm not sure but it would be nice if something he valued came of it such as to be able to play something of his or to get a comment from someone he respects musically,. like David Bowie he mentioned. If only he were in the rooms he could tag along an meet RS or Ec, not that he respects EC.
It was a pleasant time and I was able to share with him how I feel more acceptant of my dad. The sadness, the hurt, the anger still exists but I don't have to over dramatise it. I don;t need to share it everywhere. I don;t need to act out. So far anyway.
And then at work I have been light and breezy. She brought up the fact that we haven't sorted out our differences and said that's why she doesn't get on with me when learning that I am a Gemini. She is a Taurus. But in the main I have deferred to her everytime I have heard her resistance and a battle starting. And I have also remained me. Only this afternoon did I feel scratchy and it slipped out sideways when a client was relapsing by eating biscuits. I had seen him make a mad dash from the gathering outside. I had actually thought he as coming to get his phone so took the box outside only to discover him with his face filled with biscuit. He laughed afterwards probably nervously and I said "you've relapsed". I said no more and could have said that he needed to talk to his peer group about this. I didn't.I noticed then that I was feeling disappointed but also tired from the week and I wanted to get home. I did and then on to my meeting. What laughs we have there.
I don't recall precise details over the next few days so some of this may appear sketchy considering I am thinking this to be a week of a lot of progress in change. Just for today huh!!
I think I've probably skipped a lot of the little parts of me that have come into the consciousness. It's a real proud moment when a person grows before my eyes including myself. I feel so very fortunate. Thank you God.
Off to sleep as my eyes are drooping heavily and I have to keep reading what I've written as I'm almost asleep.
Goodnight
Bliss
XX
