Where does all the dignity go?

I'm so uncertain about everything and anything. I'm not sure that I want to carry on in the field of work I am in. It seems to me that I'm playing at it. But then again I've always felt as if I'm laying at whatever I have done, not truly professional or know what I'm doing. Always waiting to be discovered as a fraud.
I don't like where I'm living yet terribly grateful for it. Generally it's a quiet flat in a quiet village. I have a lot of space for one person by todays standards and at reasonable rent. I am not enjoying living hee though and never have really. I am grateful, very grateful indeed. But it's never felt like home. Then again nowhere ever has, apart from maybe S cott, Chawton.
I don't want to go to work - every morning. I hate making sales calls. I am pretty absent minded right now. Not surprised with so many preoccupations - my dad, Step 4, G and my insecurities and jealousies. Not happy anywhere pr with anything. I feel trapped. I feel like fleeing.
Hating some of the rigidity of FA although love the recovery and freedom from food.
I have spoken with T, my dad's wife twice. Saturday on the way back from London after a day of interesting lectures organised by the psychological society. All about criminal behaviour. Fascinating - risk assessment and modelling the mind of terrorists - basically you can't. The neurology of the psychopath and other criminals. Forensics but to be honest I'm not really sure of anything he said other than whatever group idea there is be prepared to have singular ideas. Too many people can investigate in one direction because it's the group though without checking the details - and miss important things. And finally Sex and aggression. All so very interesting.
I called T and she was not forthcoming. I suppose just about on a tip edge of politeness. It is hurtful and infuriating but I have decided to make the calls anyway. I called again this evening and it was the same. She gave nothing away other than my dad is seeming fine. Fucking hell he's dying how can he seem fine. And she said he's going home tomorrow instead of today. I didn't ask what the delay had been. She seems in total denial that he's dying as on Saturday she said he'll be fine once he gets home. I think she's bloody well killing him,
I don't mean that but they have been refusing help and I'm sure that's not been useful. For either of them. I feel for her as she loves him even though I hate that fact.
I feel very mixed up. Sometimes there are no feelings at all. I think it could be a numbness and other times a complete detachment from the feelings. Other times I feel angry. And that comes out in all directions, At T. At my dad. At death itself and the indignity of it for my dad. He was pitiful when I saw him on Friday. he has a sore tongue and a fungus on his tongue that makes it incredibly painful to eat or drink anything at all. He was nearly in tears and said so. He was gingerly grabbing at his bed. He couldn't really do that he is so frail. His arms are so tiny. He is so tiny. What happened to my dad. The big gruff man. It's so horrid to see him like that. The man has been taken away. Why is death so cruel? Why does a person have to lose all dignity?
And yet he still told me off. The fiery look in his eye. It hurts so deeply. Even in the final hours days weeks he still cannot just accept me or see me. I thought I was disturbing the consultant when it was the consultant who was doing all the talking. I just don't know why he hates me so much.
What the hell God??
I am horrified that even at this time there is nothing changing. I suppose I live in hope ad the slightest sign of anything is so gratefully received. Yet it's not acceptable. Why the hell cannot I not let go. I am more acceptant I suppose. And as for T .... she is a baffling conundrum of nastiness really. But then the neighbours also implied this and so it's a relief to know I'm not the only one where she is concerned. With my dad it seems that he can be horrible to me and yet is lovely to all and sundry. it's always been this way. He would sort of dump mum and I in favour of other people. They always got the niceness and attention and we were given the shit.
I have this horrible feeling of his spirit being able to see right into me when he dies. it repulses me. I want to be cleansed out and then made into someone else so that he cannot find me.
I link this with the times when he would spy on me or read my diaries or similar. A letter once. And then he would let me know by quoting from them - taunting or telling me something he'd seen me do. It sickens me. It's bad enough as it is yet I don;t think it's bad enough compared with the extent of the feelings I have for the past. That's bizarre. I still can't accept how I feel about the past for what it is. I think it should be worse. and I've just been over sensitive.
I feel as if I cannot cope with my emotions. I feel over loaded and overwhelmed. I want away from them. Yet I do not want to lose my abstinence.
Last week whilst shopping, I really had strong words in my head to fuck it. yet I so don;t want. It's a really odd battle of the same mind. Just goes to show how neurons firing from different parts of the brain can be in conscious conflict.
AB's birthday followed the London. I'm proud of myself for going along and not running straight back to G. And this weekend coming I am going to Brighton to deliver my Step 5 with my sponsor. He is busy Thursday even now and Friday and Saturday I need some study time as well as hoping to visit my dad Fri afternoon. I have offered not to go to the Fri meeting. Although really I would like to go but this is about compromise to see my - what is he? Boyfriend? Partner? What?
I don;t like the situation one bit. His ongoing "friendship" with D. And the strangeness of it all. And then at other times I think well he has few friends so why not? It's upto me to step aside from jealousy and insecurity. It's a great focus away from all other feelings. And the heightened insecurity I currently feel a]can turn into anger with him. I can be stroppy and goading - leading questions about women and then it adds to my insecurity and in turn the attitude towards G and so on. Ugh! It's so tiring, boring, ugly. Please Universe help me to stop this pattern. Only then can I find out if I really like him or not.

I'm tired now. Gorra get to sleep.

Mighty night
Bliss
XX
 

Dad

My dad is critically ill. At first it was water retention, then a fracture in his backbone was discovered after falling sometime a few months ago helping T. I'm annoyed with T and with them both for refusing the care help they were offered. I wonder if she hadn't fallen and he hadn't had to try and help he wouldn't have fallen and now wouldn't have Cancer. yes there is a large shadow behind his rib cage. He is too rail and unwell for them to do a biopsy. hey say it's not good but because they hadn't done a biopsy wouldn't say for certain it was Cancer. Now I think following a scan they have confirmed this. He is being returned home with care as there is no treatment now he can take. He is going home to die. My dad! I never thought he would die before me. I sort of believed the quip I have often made that he would outlive me. I said it believing it and also angry about it.
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then  really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively

Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.

Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.

Lunch
Bliss
XX

 

Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX

G-Day Thexts and hospital influences

 I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.

I started my new job. So nice to BE in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.

It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it

I've had longings for closeness with G but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for G. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .

My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm

learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.

So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going tink

to look it up. Later on I'm meeting G - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I dont think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx


Since then G and I are sort of back together. It's all unclear as to how and what it is. But then does everything have to be clear and certain for me?
And I received a call last evening from T my dad's wife. I'm not really clear exactly what she said but suffice that the end of his life seems to be approaching. She has suggestd I go and visit him today. I will go after lunch. He may be distressed by my visit and ask me to leave again. T apparently was unaware he had stoped me visiting. I wonder what the hell he has told people??? He tells me she's the one who doesn't like me and is jealous of me. Part of me wants to announce this to her.
Anyway she cried. She said it's too son. And she just wants him home. I feel for her but also sickened to here this. She is not my mum and they were flirting with each other not long after my mum died. How could she? How could he? Mostly - typical of him. I am angry with him for this and may be completely unjustified. What the hell does it matter. I can forgive him too. I suppose I want to be with someone yet I know I can be without.
With G? Well who knows what it is. There is something not connected about it. There is a grump he had yesterday when he was so far from me. It's still there today and yet he's trying to be supportive. I am glad he offered to come with me but with the distance ....? I don't know. I am just wondering what it's all about really??
What is the point of all of this. Strife and self gain. Wanting this and needing that. It also feels odd because my sense of purpose has been a lifetime, 52 years of trying to get my dad to love ME. Not an image of me but me the person just as I am. I wantes him to see ME and accept ME. But no! 

Another unsent thext - New Year

 I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.

I started my new job. So nice to be in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.

It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it

I've had longings for closeness with George but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for George. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .

My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm

learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.

So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going I think

to look it up. Later on I'm meeting George - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I don't think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx


And here is one I drafted in about October time. Interesting because I have been writing Step 4 and being bad-tempered. I don't think I am particularly moody. But have identified how stroppy I can be and how this manifests in different ways - sometimes outwardly and stomping around, ranting and raving but not at the person involved directly. Or I can be inward, silent treatment with the person involved. I am often thinking I am in the wrong though, not knowing what to say if anything and wondering if I'm just being selfish and intense. Confused and confusing????

'It's nice to stop an d reflect on this. All temptation to be stroppy here has fallen away. I get a sense of power through my stroppiness but it turns into negative projection . This morning I can see things differently here.

I read this this morning and liked it and would like to share it with you:

But at my back I always hear,

Time's winged chariot hurrying near;

And yonder all before us lie,

Deserts of vast eternity.

Andrew Marvell (1621-1678).

This links with my idea that we are time travellers. In every moment we have memories of the past and plan or project consciously or unconsciously about the future. Often the past is unconscious I know you know this. But if I am in the present and aware of my past and future I can bring all three together. I also read that "the past and the future are folded into the present and then we see clearly - not through images and fantasies, but through the actuality of living - the past, the future, and the present as one moving reality ...and when we see that reality fearlessly, with depth and clarity, our poor reality evaporates. In its place is the real, the true, in which we can live fully.'

Bliss
xx

Principles, morals, ethics

Self will - interesting. A question my sponsor G asked of me this morning is what is this all about. It refers to the fact that I arranged to meet with G without speaking it through with anyone. And then what she doesn't know is that he stayed over and we had sex despite me saying I didn't want to. Of course the lust and the neediness took over and I agreed to. But it really wasn't and isn't what I wanted. Now I feel used even if that isn't what he's done. I have all sorts of suspicions about what he says and questioning if it is what he really means. I need to reel myself back in and take care of myself. Is this a similar pattern as I play out with my dad. There is the feeling of being reeled in and believing that I'm going to be grabbed and held onto, only to find that my dad has thrown me back oiut to sea as far as he can throw me.
That has been the pattern with him. Do I set up the same thing with men?
I DO NOT like the situation. I like G, the man underneath it all. The remarkable him with so many talents that are unhoned and as he says he has no ambition, no desire. Sounds similar to JB. He has the ambition with his music and wanting to create but seems to lose interest. I wonder if some of that is because no one has taken the interest. I don't think anyone was ever enthused for him as a child. Similarly with G. Living in children's homes I can see how devoid of encouragement and love his life had been. And I think that leaves a big hole. Similarly I have holes.
But this self will sponsor G was referring to is about me not involving her in EVERY little detail. It's true already I am not telling her all. I didn't tell her until the morning of the day G and I had arranged to meet. When in fact I had known for some days. On the day I was trying to convince myself that I would be boundaried and he would stay until 5pm either walking or at my house. And then I would say goodbye and have my meal and get to the AA meeting. It didn't happen that way. I really knew it wouldn't anyway but rather hoped it would.
I want him to want me and he said all the right things. I want to believe him but I don't trust him. I said that I don't want a relationship the way it clearly was. I love him and I like him. But I don't like his situation for me. He thought I was demanding and judging which I truly wasn't. It was just that the situation is not what I want for myself. I do not want to be a another person in a relationship. Albeit there was a togetherness despite her being married and G knowing that she would never leave her husband.
G admitted actually a couple of nights ago when he stayed over (yes we are back together and that;s more of this story of mine) that when he is in a sulky silence he wants me to know he has loads of texts coming in. Now how I'm thinking is that when he's in a moody with me he is sitting and texting D or Mrs E as she was known. I have started calling her by her name. I don't think he's comfortable with it but it makes if more real for me. He does call everyone Mrs this or Mr that. It's a sort of endearment I think, I'm not sure. But it distracts as well somehow. So have I told you the situation?
He was having an affair with D. He met her in the rooms. She is married and was then too. He became besotted with her it sounds. She is older than he is and hearing his stories this is a common theme. One woman, his therapist can you believe, was considerably older. Now I do wonder at the ethical practice of this woman. He talks about it as if it was a normal practice. I am abhorred to learn of yet another service provider getting involved with a client. It was really unpleasant observing all the chaos with I when he got together with his/our client. I remember feeling quite shocked to learn of the woman that took over the Vine in Aldershot was living with someone who had been her client in her previous role. It's so dangerous. So open to abuse of a position with vulnerable people. I will never say never but I am very committed to maintaining my ethical boundary. G questions me when I say that "never say never". I do not want to tempt fate by saying I would NEVER do something. Who can say but I can certainly work towards upholding that principle that I hold very dear.
It's the same with the practice of fidelity. I want to be loyal and faithful in my relationship and want to be trusted for that. I will NEVER say never but I want to keep working on a daily basis to uphold that. Similarly honesty. I want to be honest day to day. I am so not, in many little ways.
Writing my Step 4 is revealing so many things I am uncomfortable about. It really is quite an amazing Step 4 experience at the moment. I'm not sure I've seen in this way before when doing Step 4. Each one has had a value for me that's for sure.
I was writing this morning about my self will and selfishness. I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes this will be at the expense of many principles. For example I want to be with G. There are however many things about him that are not right for me. I am certainly not happy being with someone who spends so much time and has to lie to D to ensure he can still go to her home and be with the dogs. He doesn't want to lose that even though he isn't in a relationship with her. He tells me he finds her quite a turn off actually. I do wonder about that. He said all of that physical attraction went long ago. He likes her and more importanlt;y cares for her well-being. There is a loveliness about this but I also wonder about that. HIs friend Mrs Forest he calls her P, says his big mistake was telling me so openly about everything. I say the opposite. The truth will be revealed and that I trust in. So for the fact that I want what I want and what I want is his attention and for him to love me and want me. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I will forsake certain principles. For instance the situation, I will act as if I am accepting of it and trust what he says. I also overlook the fact that he has no  money and no drive, no ambition. He never has he says. I wonder if this is similar with JB and if their lack of any real love and attnetion as chuldren has anything to do with this laziness and inertia really roots from some kind of developmental problem as a result of a lack of any real attention and encouragement. They are both really quite brilliant brains. A big capacity for knowledge and bot creative. And yet no desire to utilise that. Maybe it is nothing to do with the lack of loving attention and encourgament, maybe it is the creative brain which brings a degree of inertia. There is a distinct similarity though. What a great source of material for initiating a study and getting some understanding. There's the psychologist, the forensic as G would probably call me.
I overlook the fact that he is dirty and untidy, disrespectful without even knowing it I feel about dropping crumbs everywhere or taking off muddy shoes. I will have to set these boundaries I think because although I'm messy I don't want to have to clean up so often and therefore his mud and mess is making things much worse. I also don't want to and can't afford to take care of both of us financially. I need to be more boundaried. I want to afford to go to London FA and Brighton FA but because I was codependently spending out on G as well as myself I cannot afford these things this month.
So you see here are some things that I overlook because I want what I want. I do love him as a peson. He truly is brilliant and remarkable. And those bits I'm really not prepared to lsoe those things.

Bliss

 

Permission to be spontaneous please

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0062505890

Hi L - this is the Amazon uk link to Facing Codependence. Pia Mellody.
I found it helpful. After about 3 years in recovery from alcohol I started to feel crazy and read that book. I then started going to CoDA about 5 years in. I hit a rock bottom with it. Despite my denying I needed CoDA it became a life saver.
I didn't realise how much underlies addiction for me. The alcohol or other addictive behaviours are merely symptoms. So whilst totally believing my need go AA etc I know the work has been an ongoing process. And wow how amazing it is.
It is the work that means life is for living. I just need to keep the priorities in order.
My own sponsor wants me to put my recovery with FA first. I'm fighting so I do really relate to you.
Trying to find a balance when I have full time work and long days with that - up at 5 am to say prayers, half hour quiet time, call to sponsor, write step 4, and have breakfast to leave by 6:30. Then I'm not home usually until 7 - prep my meals for following day, meetings Wed and Fri (Sats as well but that's more manageable), study my degree, have relationship with George, see friends, on Sunday telephone meeting, personal interests.
Flipping heck and so committing to 3 meetings a week can seem too much and one of those is to be FA - Sat am either London or Brighton.
But you know I absolutely know I cannot keep abstinent without help. Well I tried it for years. So I'm guessing it would still be the same soon reverting to gradually picking up. I'd probably manage for a while. I'm pretty sure. I do not want to take the risk of losing my abstinence.
There are plenty of times when I think I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict. Who knows??! But I know I have this mental illness.
Have you read Step one in the little red book?
I really had to take a good look at the mental illness element. It's taken me many years to really get an understanding.
For me it manifests in negativity and self hatred - strongly.
That then can manifest as fear and dishonesty, inc people pleasing, and controlling behaviour and so on. I love the little red books way of describing the steps. I read each step slowly and repeatedly.
Anyway enough already .....
Before getting completely ensconced in codependency - ensure you're really settled in step one. That's experience not judgement.
I know well that you have no doubts about your problems ie the chaos or unmanageability. How acceptant are you that you're an alcoholic and therefore powerless? What does being an alcoholic actually mean. Not trick questions just things I think worth exploring. Sometimes I have to ponder this without analysing it. Ask others.
I can go on and on and on.
Anything to deflect from writing step 4.
Some of what I say is ideals. I wish I did my recovery how I say it. But it's talking about it that reminds me what I don't do.
I need to be firm with George about my meetings commitments, my studying and my time with friends. I don't think he'll like it. But I need his support if we can be together. This required me to be honest and boundaried. I am afraid though. Afraid it'll be too difficult or he'll get moody. Just how much I try to keep everything okay for everyone else but st my cost.
I want to be more empowered. Otherwise I get resentful. I am an alcoholic - its not all of me but it is a part of me. That part needs certain things. As does other parts of me, the fun lover, the artist, the professional, the curious, the nature lover, etc etc.
Takes effort to fulfill all parts of me but all need attention sometimes some parts more than others.
Thank you for letting me write all of this.
Not essential reading. Just a really useful share for me

This was a email I drafted but didn't send. I didn't think it appropriate in this form.
You see I am consdiering FA and all the "rules"
I am sure I am interpreting things with a whole host of history attached. I see it though as being required to ask permission to live my life. I don't want to have to check in with anyone to make a decision to go to a different meeting. I don't want to have to check in to say that these are my plans with G and besides they can change and I like that spontaneity - sometimes the changes are not to my liking admittedly and I don't know how to say that without pissing him off ad then spending a week with sulks from him.
I don't want to sponsor. I don't want to be told I can't sponsor someone in AA who asked me. How honoured I feel to have been asked. It's amazing.
I don't want to try and get to London or Brighton on a regular, fixed basis. I can't always afford it. And yet I think I hear that I am being told to prioritise this. I am struggling financially as it is. And yes every so often I spend irrationally. That's true but sometimes I want to be able to do that.
I don't want to lose my food abstinence. But I do feel angry and stroppy about some of these things.
I think my sponsor got fed up with me and when she said "you've got things to think about" it sounded dismissive and somehow seemed like I'm being naughty and told off. It probably wasn't like that but that's how I've perceived it.
I think as well it's important for me to express my truth. It may not be what people want to hear and no longer means I'm the good girl. But these thoughts are my truth. If I don't express them then what? It'll all be inside me unsaid and I think that's far more dangerous.
I think as well that it's a sort of testing of the boundaries. Is it really okay to be me and have my say and not get barracked for it. Or punished with abandonment. I'm half expecting G to withdraw gradually. I'm too much trouble. Costly in time and energy. It was impossible to speak openly and honestly with B. She just is that very strict ma'am. That didn't work out for me in the end. However I'm very gratefuil for the recovery I've gained through her support. And with G I have more food and am putting on some pounds. I need to but it's scary too.
I forgot to tell her this monring how much I weighed in with 120.6 pounds. Which is 1 pound less than when I used SS's scales. I was going to step on them as well to see if things are very different on those from last week. How confusing. How annoying.
The anorexic thinking is rife. I don't want to be bigger. I can feel rolls where I didn't thave them last week. It's probably in my imagination.
I wonder of this is contributing to me wanting to leave FA.
Not to mention I am writing Step 4, my dad has angrily stopped me from contacting him or the hospital more than once a week. There is little news. I have felt hurt and angry and even dramatic about this. And yet I also feel some relief and even some acceptance after 52 years of trying to get his approval.
And then there is G. I have had little contact. The contact I've had is sporadi. I'm imagining he's been staying with D and doesn't tell me since his friend P said his big mistake was in telling me. If he goes underground and secretive then it makes it all the more suspicious. All this goes thorugh my head. INstead I need to trust him. If I don't trust him it will all be destroyed within me. I am missing hi.
Yet I am also questioning whether I want to be with someone who is so work shy and doesn't have the drive to earn money. He wants to doss about all day in Elstead with D. And claims that he has tis love for the dog. I wonder if the dog represents what he cannot have fully with D. If D's husband died would they then really get it together? Is he lying to her and to me? Is he spoinning me lines so that he can just have both situations? If it si like that he's a player and it's not what I want. But I just have to believe him. He says he needs time but to be honest there's never going to be any change. I don't want to be in a relationship where he is lying to me and has this closeness with someone else. I wouldn't do it to him - or would I? I want to have my friends. I just don't want to run away from life to be with them. That;s what I see of him. Avoidance and going there to avoid. Then he can come to me, have sex and avoid life in another way.
Or is this all in my head? I have to keep trying to find ways to push it away. I become obsessed with it and distracted.
Can I learn to accept it?
Ths evening there's been a few almost nothingness texts. What's that all about? Is he staying there hence there's little signal - sporadic. But would he tell me the truth if he is staying there? Should I ask him?
Did he ask what I was doing to find out if it was all clear to go to the meeting with D?
I just don't know if I believe him and yet have to keep putting that aside.
Aaaaargh
Crazy making. I dislike my insecurity.
Please HP help me to stay away from all of this craziness.

Bliss
XX

Dacryogogue

Where did I get to.
Oh G made contact with me. By text. It was friendly. He asked if I was enjoying my new found freedom. The answer was "Nope! Miss you. Love you. Like you". He said goodie and then we discussed meeting up. I said that the terms and conditions would need to be different. He asked where he needed to sign.
We met on Saturday for a walk. He came over to me at first suggesting midday. I delayed it until 1pm because I decided to go to the hospital. Not to see my dad but to speak with the nurses. I had finally managed to speak with Dr U on Friday night but I wanted to show a presence and ask the nurses what they thought was his condition and what would happen next. They explained that he'd had the cat scan but still was eating very little. They were trying to persuade him to eat. But he was drinking more and had been sitting up earlier. I left with that news but before I did I asked them if they could tell my dad I had visited and to call me if he felt up to it later on.
Well Later on he did call. It was early evening. He was angry and didn't want me to bother the nurses anymore. He said I was to call no more than once a week. He would call me if there was anything to tell me that I should know. He didn't want me contacting Dr M. D had told him I was going to see Dr M, he didn't want that. I said that was not the case at all. He said nothing to that. I mentioned the fact that he'd had D visit him. He said nothing to that either.
I was upset and he said "you are always snivelling". It's true I do cry a lot. Isn't it okay to cry? No not for him. It never has been. He's been nothing but demeaning about his mother always crying or my mum or me. I was a little girl and he would criticise me for crying. It's always been the same. The rejection and the criticism. Always. And when I tell people that he's said these things they seem to make excuses for him, saying that it's because he's unwell. He's always frigging been like this. Putting other people before my mum or me. They would get all the niceness and glory. We would get the second citizen treatment. Why?
 I suppose I can easily take people for granted. And why do it do that?
A new person can come along and I will become totally absorbed with them forsaking those that are constant in my lie. I do that when a new man comes into my life until gradually they become the norm too. Why? Is this partly the way of things - the new is exciting and variety. But I think it can go to an extreme. I want to be more mindful to be grateful for those people in my life and show it too.
Please Universe guide me in this and remove that forsaking of those that really do matter to me. Help me to show that they matter as much as they do. Wow! I can be so selfish.
My dad is that way without realising it I am sure. And actually I can respect his wishes because I do have a programme. It fills me with sadness. I have felt melancholy now for days and days. But that's okay in the greater scheme of things. I am certain I will be okay.

So G. Well he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to lose the situation at Elstead. He is insistent that the relationship is in my imagination and that I am making assumptions. But I really am not okay with it. He says he needs time. I am not okay with it anyway. It drives me nuts. Already it's driving me crazy. I think it is so much better for us not to be living together as we were. it was never discussed he was just there permanently. And driving himself stir crazy in the process.
I said what I wanted so as not to be lost. He suggested he stays. He also thought we had had some kind of tiff. He said that I was proud and wasn't going to contact him. Too right I wasn't because it was over as far as I was concerned.
I do not want to be seeing someone who I cannot contact when he is with this woman in case it upsets her. I do not want to be with someone who is receiving texts and responding to them. I do not want to be with someone who sits in silence and deep moods without ever wanting to talk about it and who runs off to Elstead where he ca find peace and be happier. If he is happier there then he an choose that life. He cannot have me just when it suits him.
But what did I do? I agreed to him staying oer. I didn't want to be without him for the evening and night. And despite everything I said I allowed him to have sex with me. I didn't want sex but I was beguiled and hurting. I said that if we did it would be the last time. I think it will have to be. He asked me to assure hi that it wouldn't be the last time.
The thing is it gets all stupid the toing and froing that I then do. Saying one things and doing another. It makes my word meaningless. So am I going to have a time of going backwards and forwards. Not trusting him as I know he tells Mrs E untruths to stop her from being hurt,. stop her from knowing the truth so that he doesn't lose the bits he likes. I cannot trust him. If he can do that to her he can do it with me.
He wants the truth from me because he finds it difficult to trust. He's right. I can tell half stories to avoid the shame I feel and the threat of losing the person if they know and judge me. I need to put faith in the bigger picture rather than hold onto that fear within the minutiae. I can either decide to push the doubt and negativity aside and trust that the truth will be revealed to me. It's a pride thing. i do not want to be made a fool of. And a pride thing thinking she will think she has won. Furthermore how dare he think he can have both. He cannot have me. I do not want to be in a relationship that involves another woman in this way. But he can turn it so that I feel the cad. He says there is no relationship yet he enjoys her company he takes her messages and responds he takes her to meetings. It's not okay with me. He doesn't want to lose me and I am not judging him for the way things are with Mrs E. If that's what he wants then it's truly what I want him t have. But I do not want to be involved.
I have a slight doubt wondering if I am cutting my nose to spite my face. Which is what keeps me just holding on for a little bit.
He told me he has arranged to meet his friend N, nicknamed Erst as he always talks about his erstwhile missus. Anyway I know he has told Mrs E that he has arranged to meet Erst when in fact he was with me. Do I raise this? Or do I leave it. He said he'd arranged this as I had said I didn't want to see him tonight after all. I hadn't said that but sobeit that's what he understood.
PD said today that this was similar to JH. Why can't I meet uncomplicated men? I smiled. He is so right. What is the lesson to learn here. I know that one is sticking with my boundaries. I could suggest again that we remain friends as best as that can be. And in time if he becomes more available then we could see what happens. But this way he thinks he can see me have sex and carry on just as it was. I do not want to be seeing him with him lying to me. I do not want evenings where he is texting to and fro with her. I do not want sex with him whilst he is taking his time that he said he needed. I need to maintain that boundary.
I have to be honest with my sponsor tomorrow. I feel certain that she will be disappointed with me. I certainly got a little bit of a fix I suppose having had all those feelings with my dad.
Oddly enough I felt numb for a while and whilst deeply hurt also some relief. I am worried that it is simply a numbing out of the rage and depth of hurt that is as yet untapped into. I hope not though and it is actually acceptance that all these years, my entire lifetime I have been trying to please my dad and be accepted by him. But it has been useless. Whatever I've tried I cannot get anything much from him. Occasionally I've been buddies with him when I was criticising people just as he was or siding with him against my mum. How terrible it was in our household, always two siding together against the other. I hated it when my mum sided with my dad. I felt scared and very alone.
So that's a little update.
I am writing Step Four so there is a lot of self awareness arising. It's interesting. I hope I can learn and move away from some of the patterns. My neediness of men is one of them.

Good night
Bliss
XX

Oh I forgot to mention that I am house sitting. The man purpose is to be present for the 21 year old foster girl. She has learnt today that she will get her own home in February. That is fantastic news for her. It's a nice enough house and very quiet here. I do feel odd and that's probably contributing to thinking about G and where is he etc. When Last week I didn't think once about what he was doing. It didn't matter anymore.
Anyhow it's evening number 2. I've done all of my washing. That's helpful. The journey is much reduced and so I can leave a little later in the morning and get back earlier. I am saving on my electricity bills as well as saving on fuel costs. To help further I am doing a four day a week from now on whilst I am studying and that begins this Friday.
So with a bit of luck I might save a bit oh and I am being paid the money that S and C would receive for foster caring R. It's £120 towards my washing machine. I am a bit pissed off with G that he didn't offer me the £10 he took the night before we divorced. He bought tobacco. And I think he thinks the putting in of the shower is repayment for the £240 he borrowed for his tyres.
Hmmmm. And He mentioned giving my key back but didn't give it back.
I think there are still things to be clarified. He seems to think all the talking is done. I am far from done. I am still assessing the situation.
B x

 

New Job New Life

Bloody hell! 2013 has started with an emotional roller coaster.
I visited my dad on Monday. New Years Eve. Thank goodness I was spending the evening with AB. I feel safe there to be how I feel even though it irritates me when A has a Pollyanna view of everything.
The door was left ajar. My dad was sitting in the armchair. He looked deathly. So tiny and frail. Having seen him a couple of months ago when he had lost a lot of weight then was shocking enough.
We had little to say. I was there for an hour and found it difficult to make the decision to leave. It felt rude. For goodness sake this is my father.
How can a relationship with a father be so awkward.
We talked a little about CS's impending death. He may already have been dead. I have since left a message for JF just to see if I can gather any news. I would like to attend the funeral if I can.
As I was preparing to leave my dad asked me to take some note paper. He instructed me like a bloody sergeant. Anyway I did it with good grace. He told me to write my mobile number down for the neighbours. I was relieved. I had asked him to give them my number a while ago when he first told me they were really helping. He also asked me to put JB's number down. I then went to see them. And although feeling a little together I burst into tears. They were so lovely. They told me that T was very difficult and when she was home they were less able to offer assistance. But they said my dad was a lovely man, that they really liked him a lot. And they were only too pleased to be able to help him. B gets the paper for him every day and M tries to get him to eat. They were relieved that I was involved and now a contact. They gave me T's daughters numbers.
I left. Gosh it was so painful and frightening seeing my dad that way.
I felt so helpless and terribly alone with this. Desperate I just didn't know what to do. The distance between is so great there seemed little I could do and also greedily, vulture-like I was getting concerned about the future if he dies before T. What about my GREATER part of the inheritance. Ugh! I find that so ugly in myself and ever since then keep practising letting it go. It will be what it will be. For so long I've been counting on it to get me out of the hole I see myself in. I need to start being grateful for what I have got and if I want something different I need to work towards it. I think it is often I want an easier, softer way such as inheritance or meeting a rich man who will provide all that I want. Ha! And every man I've met has really not been terribly wealthy at all or I leave just before they start to make something of themselves. Look at SH. Apparently his business is steaming upwards now. The thing is I can never sell my soul for money in that way. The unhappy relationship just isn't worth it. And yet I see so many women do that. The irony is that I could sell my body for sex. Sometimes even just give it away.
My dad seemed to have got confused over night that JB was visiting the next day. The neighbours told me so. I got in contact with JB and was talking as if he was going. He informed me that when speaking with my dad there had seemed to be this misunderstanding. I wanted him to go. You see I felt that my dad need hospitalisation. But my dad would never ever take that from me. Furthermore I always think I'm making a drama and fuss about nothing. So when JB agreed to see him and called me afterwards expressing equally his deep concern I was relieved. So I resolved the next day to contact his GP and insist someone get out to see my dad. I was as usual scared to make the call straight away. I kept thinking my dad will be furors and am I just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Especially as when talking with D on New Years Eve when I visited my dad she said that he was perkier than he had been. Bloody hell. Honestly he looked like death. Death in his eyes. Yet there was an uprightness about him. His anger since suggests that there is till a will to live. Who bloody knows with my dad?
Anyway I had so much compassion for my dad. I wanted to help.
The neighbours called me on 2 Jan to tell me that my dad had arranged to get to hospital. B was taking him. I was so relieved. I felt like I was doing something and nothing at all. I thankfully didn't need to in the end.
So my first day at work with PD was great. I felt dreadful and not excited but also very excited.
It was easy going. I had a tour of our offices. In true PD fashion everything was in his order and I smiled inwardly.
Gratefully he permitted me to leave after lunch. I drove straight to QA. As I walked in I was terrified knowing he would be angry that I was there. He was.
I managed to get him to put me as a secondary next of kin. Or rather the staff nurse did. I filled her in a little, saying that he was so difficult but that the rift was historical. She just listened. It was she that insisted my dad had a secondary next of kin because T is still unwell.
My dad did tell me that T is jealous of me and that I can ring around her daugthers and she knows it. This was in response to me asking why she disliked me so much. He had told me he gets a lot of grief is she knows I've been involved. It was hurtful to learn from the daughters that they do visit all the time. They've been involved all along - a lot. He has always maintained that they hardly ever visit.
They keep telling me about all the times they are seeing him in hospital when he's told me he doesn't want me to visit.
So I decided that i would respect his wishes but instead would phone and on advice from D and JH I would push and enquire what action is being taken. I managed to speak with the on duty consultant although I'd been repeatedly asking to speak with Dr M. A scan had still not been done and I mentioned this to the Dr U. He seems to have expedited that thank goodness. So when Dr M is back today at least the scan results will be on their way.
Actually initially when I spoke with D it was a relief ...
There is more.
This was all about my first few days of 2013 and the first day of my new job. Things are changing rapidly. Read on when I next can write.
Bliss
XX