Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

That was wrong of me.

Thank you God I can see.
I'm not clear what to do now so please guide me so that I can do only the bests for other people.

What can I see? My part in the flow of things. It gets clearer and I hope it's clearer for good so long as I keep working away at my spiritual recovery.
Okay what I see is this, my part in the flow of interactions and specifically I will refer to Friday. I hope not to bore in the process as it's connected with dear ol' PD and work. I am a constant critic of PD's style. I think he's directive and shuts people down. It irritates me, sometimes infuriates me and I think because for so long I was shut down and I shut people down and now I am learning that people have their feelings. And yet there I was in this little process not liking his anger. Actually he said "I am fucking furious".
Okay details. We were in group and I had suggested that a peer ask his group what they thought of him. Some people are forthcoming and expressed their thoughts, others need encouragement to share. Whilst those who won't easily share were quiet PD jumped in and started telling the person what they needed to think and feel, which irritates the hell out of me, but also was not encouraging the others to share their considerations of this persons question. And so I interrupted him basically because I was feeling angry with him for not seeing it. I saw his flash of fury and then stay shut down for the rest of the group. After the group when we usually sit down and process, he didn't want to discuss anything. He said right then I have to get on as R is arriving. I was surprised and asked about processing the group to which he said no was there anything I thought needed processing and i said yes loads. He said such as. And I said well you seemed angry, which was the point when he said he was fucking furious. I was immediately shocked at the extent of his fury but also understood. It's great because I also wanted to shut down his anger but didn't entirely. He said he didn't want to talk about there and then so I said okay, and he he went onto to say that I am de-skilling him and  we're working at different levels here and it's not okay. He's right. And I can see how my thoughts and feelings about his style are coming out in my practice. I create a friction between us that the group will pick up on.He is right and was wrong in this action I took. What I need to do is after the group talk about my feelings about interactions. I often feel angry when a client is just expressing their feelings and PD starts telling them what to do. But as my sponsor says I need to focus on the clients reaction to PD and not work against him instead work with what he presents and keep aware of my emotions and how I respond with them. I have been reacting to emotions not fully acknowledging them and instead becoming the protector of the clients emotions. This is great to see.
Now I need to make amends. I will say to PD tomorrow that he was right in what you've picked up and it was wrong of me.
I have to let go of wanting him owning his part in things. I just say my amends and that's it and listen.
And speaking with S, I can be light about it and say, that was wrong of me on Friday and I'm  really sorry.
That was wrong of me and I am sorry. That's all it takes.
An the other area of growth and self-awareness is that I need to start saying during the processing of the groups that I was feeling angry about xxxx, and see what happens.
Oh God thank you for showing me, for opening my eyes more and more

Bliss
XX

The Fixer

That's me, the fixer. Sometimes at least.
Where do I begin so that I record this.


Before I do, I want to write about my dream. I think it was the last dream before I woke up this morning. And I woke around 4am.
The order of the dream is now somewhat muddled, well the early stages of the dream. There was point when I was with my mum who was very ill and dying. She looked much younger than her age at her death in reality. She knew she was very ill and so did we all, my dad and I. For some reason I went off with my dad. I can't describe easily where we were. In my dream it was unfamiliar too. It was a sort of marshy wood and there was a wooden cabin that we were going towards. I would describe it now as a sort of Tardis. As we approached it I felt anticipation and anxiety but it was inevitable I was going in. I felt terror throughout the dream. I was terrified of my dad. I was being nice because I was trying to outsmart him, which I knew in my heart of hearts was impossible. However, I was people-pleasing. He was smarmy. There was another man there too. I was also wary of him. I know this was a dangerous environment but my dad was stopping from getting to mum and I had to play along if I was ever going to see her again. And yet I knew I was never going to get to see her again because of my dad. And then he was getting closer and closer. Little tormenting gestures, innuendos were increasing and his look was repulsing me. Inappropriate touches here and there. I woke out of the dream when we were still in the cabin and I was trying to persuade him and then becoming more insistent on getting to see mum. I kept asking when will we leave. He kept finding little tasks to do in the cabin. and we were in a more confined space when I woke up and immediately had to get up. I went back to bed and fell asleep. On waking up the next time I had initially forgotten he dream and then it slowly started creeping back. More and more detail.
I wanted to vomit and wanted to tear my skin off. And then I just didn't want to leave my flat. I have of course. I knew I had. to.


I needed to record that for myself. Why? Because I do forget that things were real and not okay. I tend to think I've exaggerated things and even think I've made them up at times. The very physicality of the wakeful state is a reminder that things were never really okay.


Moving on and The Fixer.
How often I say that something isn't right for me and feel terrible that someone is affected. Of course people are affected people all the time but it's not my responsibility. Yet I take on a sense of deep guilt and shame. And then I need to fix them and/or fix me.


The feeling of guilt was so intense I just couldn't sit still. I wanted to distract myself because studying required focus and all I could do was continuously wander in my thoughts. Thank goodness I was aware of this and distracted for a while, nothing unhealthy, just tittle tattle nonsense her and there. Eventually I was able to bring my attention into my books and very interesting it was. Then a lovely walk in the afternoon sunshine BUT wit some background noise thoughts, constantly whirring over and over. I went to a meeting and that arrested the whirring for a while. And then sleep but the next morning was ablast with damnation and hell.
As Shakespeare said in his play Macbeth " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."t is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."


I had left this post alone and so won't continue it now. I've lost my thread. But post it for record sake.
I need my HP to iiude me from this fixer role in all it's guises. Glad to be shown, as it gives me the opportunity to change.
I get irritated by fixers too

Bliss
XX

Turning the changes

Wow! How I turn being open and vulnerable into feeling as if I am nothing more than a bundle of issues. I have had bundles of issues through life but I am beyond that in the bigger context of things. Sure there are influences on me and from time to time there a little incidents that raise feelings from the past. But how I interpret others is that they see me as everything being an issue related to my issues. I am just me fumbling along with the influences of my life's repertoire. It has impact but it's not problematic. When I am troubled by something or someone it is not because I have an issue. It's because I am troubled and will work my way through. And I am so blessed to have people to support me and for me to ask when I am unsure



Bliss
xx

Compassion brings serenity

I have had a period of time now when I've been having vivd dreams. In the early hours today I was dreaming vividly but can only remember parts now.
A man (not familiar) was sinister. He was wearing a black mac and I think it had some tears in it. He was basially holding me hostage with a need for me to reveal or do some bad things. My partner was with me, whoever he was. I didn't ever see his face. We had a group of people ith us whom I was feeling responsible for and attempting to not lead into the danger. I kept losing my phone. I was anzious every time but then it would turn up thank goodness. It as key to keeping in contact with this man as he drove us all in this estate car, a BMW, lots of us which dream-like meant we all fitted in of course. I felt a lot of anxiety in this dream and angst about the regular loss of my phone. Fear.

This week I have had a feeling of being detached from myself and the world. I haven't got a connection with my emotions fully. I notice it faster in my work when sudenly I am less astute, less aware of emotions in myself which are the instinct with which I work a lot. I always think it would be so misunderstood if I tell people that I work more with instinct than anything esle. But instinct doesn't mean I make presumptions. It simply triggers me to be able to enquire about something I may or may not have picked up correctly.

What a lazy morning I've been having. I woke at 6 am and then took my morning calls whilst in bed. They didn;t know that of course.  A long call from T who asked an interesting question about the spiritual path I'm on and what spirituality is to me. There are no words to describe the feeing I get but we have words such as gratitude. I feel connectivity and unity and enormity. I see how the only ting that keeps me from "using", alcohol, drugs, men, food for example, is the connection that I feel with my sense of Higher Power. This term or the word God in itself do not feel right enough to even begin to exemplify what my Highr Power is.
And I was able to express how I cannot enjoy religion because it tells me HOW I am meant to believe, that's my imprssion at least. Even as I write that I can see how there are some people who TELL and it's not what relligion sets out to do. I think the stories in the Bible are ways of putting across these feelings, these experiences that are difficult to express clearly because they are for me deep feelings and not something easily translated through words. I feel that the Universe and I are one, that there is no end yet I am limited by my humanness and within that it's just a journey of experiences to learn and grwo thurhg towards a sense of knowig and connectivity and total compassion. And ith that comes a sense of serenity. Something I do get to feel from time to time, contentment.
I got on a bit of a roll. Oops.
I noticced how cotrolling my ego was again last evening. I have this sense of being the longest serving abstainee at the Firday evening meeting. And with it this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep the meeting going. I don't want to tak to my sponsor abut it as I am sure she will tell me to be less involved with AA and I don't want to let go. I have to talk to her about all of this.
Anyhow last evening when announcing that we have service positions available and L proposed herself to be secretary I suggested that it's a 6 month service rather than what has been a 4 week service. I didn;t take it to a conscience meeting because I would just like there to be some people who commit to the meeting in the same way I do.
We had a newcomer brought to the meeting by C. It was so opportune that we went together to Midhurst on Tuesday and B there was deighted to see a young woman - C is in her early 20's. She asked me if she should offer her number for him to pass on to this other young woman who was finding it quite tricky at the moment. So C spoke with her and brought her to the meeting last night. How amazing. And E mentioned C in her share. I could see how uncomfortable C was.
For me it as just lovely to observe. C is just a wondereful person. She asked R for a lift home. I thought it intersting that R turned up. I know that R has indiciated that she is jealous via AB that I spend time with her sponsee. Ad I felt a tinge of jealousy last evening. I want to tbe the one that is the shining light
EGO EGO EGO - have to laugh at myself. Thank goodness I'm aware and I can tame the ego and act graciously and supportively and lovingly regardless of my needy ego.

This evening I am secretary and have invited a lady, V, to do the chair. I heard her briefyly share at the Guikldford Sunday on another AA adventure C and I went on. I got 2 numbers ffrom that meeting. I have just one so far from Midhurst. I intend to return to get more. It's just bringing in new faces and generates a sense of new versions of the same messages. I hope it will grow the meeting slightly as otherwise it can become quite staid I think. So much ego in that?

I don't think my nutrient homeostasis has quite adjusted to the clock change yet. A fee times I've noticed I am hungry by this time, it's about 11:45 and through the week I generally eat abut 12:45. The clocks went back last weekend and I am feeing hungry still an hour before the clocks denote I should be. Ha! It never ceases to amaze me just how manmade time is and yet there is this timeliness within us. Sleep time, wake time, eating times. They all b ecome a pattern. Dogs too. IS there a change in the environment as well that combines with internalised patterns?

I received this message from The Universe ....
Generally, Bliss, people with the same information make similar decisions, leading to unity, camaraderie, and coordinated successes.

Which has profound implications for life on earth, in the 'hood, and at home.

Smooth,
The Universe

I replied thus:

I agree - fellowship and like-mindedness is helpful and useful

But I also wonder about bringing in newness and differences because otherwise things can become staid and decisions can be based on tradition rather than wise decisions.

Sometimes we have to listen to instinct even when it goes against the norm.

How does that fit in do you think?

Of curse I haven't received a reply. I guess I don't want a reply other than an agreement. But actually I would be open for the debate as well.
My mind is opening more and more. I see less that there is a right or wrong way and practice more too not to condemn because of differences but to note differences as they are certainly there but meet as equals amidst the difference.
I really do have a lot of practice with this at work when I am comparing and measuring myself against PD all the time. With his manner usually I am superior, i.e. I don't like his style of therapy. I find him so very controlling. And yet he also has insight. He tells rather than asks. Yet he thinks he is suggesting.
I worry! I get to feel really uncomfortable with this complete contradiction that he states "we do not tell anyone what to do, merely make suggestions". He makes suggestions and there is an expectation that goes with it. I see the pattern in myself and I don't know but believe that clients will too. Yet they love him. PD can be so giving and cares. I think there is a real clash of desires when he wants the business to grow and we need ckients and income and yet there is also a need for people to go on.

I had a sense that one of the clients had possibly used over the night before. He was suddenly very different. He claimed just to be tired and facing a reality suddenly of the abstinence. But his behaviours and red eyes and red face suggested to me that something else has happened. I wonder if he would come clean and honest if he had. He wants extra days of treatment. I wonder?

So it's lunchtime and then this afternoon I am walking with AB. I could easily not but I want to do that as a friend.
I want to but don;t want to pay something to AB for her looing after LouLou. I can't afford much and hoped that what I offered wasn't an insult as it certainly isn;t enough for the amount of time she looks after LouLou.
I will ask her today for her account nmber and simply direct debit the amount in each month.

I am stuck in regrets. Regret that my mum isn't arund to meet the different me. And regret that I kept my dad out. He surely wouldn't have let me but I could have let him in. If ony I had been able to.


Bliss
XX









 

Considered verdict

I was late in court to represent Lisa. I arrived just in the final throws whereby she received the verdict of guilty and to be thrown out or deported or something. AB was saying isn't there something you can do. To be honest Lisa was oblivious. I was so cross with myself, disappointed to the point of utter despondency and in writing this I'm realising that I do have an attitude of finality once an authority has made a decision or perhaps it's laziness or something else I'm not quite sure of. I just gave in to the verdict without a fight. Perhaps guided by my feeling of guilt and remorse for not being there at the right time. I do remember seeing the look of glee on the faces of the prosecuting team. And sad that they had gone hell for leather to get a girl who is so young and vulnerable. I of course was seeing Lisa aged 17 as she was when we were all in the Priory. Gosh she was so ill as well as so young. Completely vulnerable.
Anyway the next thing AB was talking with the judge across the pews of the court. And then the judge called over to me asking if this is true? I was given the chance to explain Lisa's circumstances, her bi-polar and so on. Suddenly the ruling was over turned and Lisa was declared innocent. I think the prosecuting team (is that an American term) had left. I was given a cardboard front of shirt thingamajig. I don't know if they have a name. You know similar to the cardboard fronts of a dress shirt men wear for formal functions. What is it called? Aha thank goodness for Wikipedia - a dickie - a sort of cardboard shirt bib. It was also known as a shirt bosom. All these things are going out of fashion for men as formal dress is worn less and less. Anyway I was given a large one of these in a sort of coral pink colour. I was also given a black skirt. Apparently the practise is more ceremonial when winning the case (according the knowledge I suddenly had in my dream - it's funny how there is a sort of internal running commentary in my dreams to explain the odd things that happen and make sense of the banal). Anyway this was all sort of handed over in a bundle, which I received with hands full of papers and carrying a briefcase, so it was all a bit of a muddle. And around me people were celebrating my win but I was thinking it wasn't me, it was AB persevering with her idea to challenge even though it was already decided and over. I have felt this recently with ideas she's had. I'm not necessarily the ideas person but can pick up on them and make them work when it's for someone else but for myself I am full of fear. And I feel inferior because I'm not the ideas person. I am a follower and sheeple as someone on FB would say.
I feel inadequate not being a creator and merely a follower.
So everyone was celebrating but Lisa remained oblivious.

I can recall in a following dream trying not to forget the court room dream but in the process I've forgotten the following dream.

I've been feeling a bit fuzzy-brained since I think Saturday evening. I was sitting in the meeting listening to V doing her chair. G was there which threw me slightly. I was aware of thinking he'd be criticising me in some way for my lace gloves and what I shared. And I imagine his criticism of me being secretary as well was rife. Anyway all of that took over perhaps. I felt sad that we had had a something and now it's quite bitter from him. I was cheerful to see him and friendly. He was dour and the way he is with people he doesn't trust and like. Well it's his issue really. That's how he is. Then on Sunday evening I received some texts from him. Mainly moaning about someone sharing and then glad to have the opportunity to have a go on the following evening when doing a chair at another meeting.
I found it funny that V shared about being in a relationship and there was abusive discourse from the ex. I found G's behaviour abusive and I expect he found my behaviour abusive. I didn't ever set out to be abusive of offensive but I'm pretty sure at times I could be because we tap into each others hurt and issues. I want to be beyond that somehow and with someone who is beyond that. I wonder if it's possible.
I feel sad today that my mum is not alive. A person on FB was saying how they are going to Australia with their mum. The person is the same age as me. And she believes that due to her mums ailments wouldn't make this journey again. I am sad that I haven't got my ageing mum with me. It was sad last evening with the Kaleidoscope magazine with AB and GB remembering how my mum would select clothes for me that were not always what I'd select for myself. She knew what might look good on me. She'd buy tings for me too. I have none of that now. I took it for granted then. And I'd manipulate too. All went when she died. So many things I only appreciate when they no longer exist. My dad. And the sorrow I feel for not being able to let him into my life in any shape or form. Holding onto deep resentment and now he's gone.
LouLou is sneezing. she is getting older and I have so taken her for granted too. She no longer likes to sleep with me and doesn't cuddle up with me on the settee anymore.
I have such a good friendship with AB. I don't know if I show it. I am there practically everyday. But do I show my appreciation in any way. I will tell her today how much I value her friendship and I will tell GB how much I admire her and value how she includes me. That brings on a real feeling of sadness. I do feel lonely at times.
I can't be bothered to get going today. I have had this feeling of nothingless and I have been fighting it. Trying to work out how I feel. Wondering why I don't know. Wondering if it's hormones related. Trying to work it out and then with the answer I'll have control of it. Instead I simply need to accept it and give in to it and let it be. I trust it will pass as it has before but even if it doesn't, it will all be okay. I worry I suppose that I operate so much on an emotions level with people that without it I won't be able to do my job well.
It's a funny feeling. Just can't put my finger on something that seems to be there underlying everything. It will become clear if it's meant to.
Regret I think is there. Regrets about the past and the way I've been and still can be. Regrets that I have no children. That came to the fore earlier this morning when I was reading the 24 Hours a Day book. It focused on the impact of alcoholism on the children. The impact has been that I've terminated them as soon as they've got to conception. How dreadful. How sad that I will never know those little soles as human beings. I am so so sorry to those little souls. Ad yes sorry that there was a them not even just a one. I've had a whole big family but not much beyond conception. One was months rather than just weeks. It was that I was too scared on that occasion to go with the draw to have the baby. Scared to tell my parents I was pregnant yet they would have been horrified about a termination. God help me with these thoughts.
I've rarely spoken about these things. This morning when I was reading about the impact of alcoholism I hadn't even thought of the decision I had made as an impact on the souls. All I ever think about is the impact on me - poor, poor me!

I suppose I need to get up. I don't want to. It's my last study day or rather free day off this year. I don;t want to work 5 days a week. I want to work 4 days per week. I wonder if I'd be able to manage on the pay.
God I would like to guidance please about how to go forward and if I should go forward with my own little business. I have some ideas of my own that PD will not allow me to do at Addiction Care. I would like to talk to him about some evening work at a shared cost. These are referrals directly to me. He asked me if I'd see them privately or through AC. I need to sit down and discuss things with him. Thursday is busy with 1:1's for me.
But I have some ideas I'd like to follow through. Some private 1:1's in the evenings a women's closed group, a writing group with a view to putting a book together of experiences and to publish it.
I would like to start some training courses for counsellors too. But I need premises. God is this the way forward? If so how do I do it?
I have visions of the little therapeutic writing group on a Sunday morning in a quaint tea shop private room. Something cosy and friendly. Not in the "work" environment.

I need to get up. I will call AB and see if she'd like a walk this morning. Then I can come home for the rest of the day and speak with TH later on and a meeting with CT this evening. An AA adventure as we have called them.

I need a wee too. I can feel a little lighter I think. Oh I wonder if this is not my nothinglessness and a clients stuckness I am experiencing. And I think the stuckness maybe A's when I would have more likely thought M's. Hmmm now that's interesting. It could be stuckness not nothinglessness.
God please show me the way. Thank you.
Oh I wonder if it's if I feel a bit attracted to A and it's my stuckness then with that. I need to bring that out in supervision I think. Ew yuch - exposure.

Bliss
XX
 

Principles not Personalities. Observing not War

If someone behaves negatively towards you, it helps to remember that he or she is a human being like you and to distinguish between an action and the person who does it. If counter measures are needed to prevent someone doing harm, it's always better to do it with a calm rather than an agitated mind. If you act out of anger, the best part of your brain fails to function. Remember, compassion is not a sign of weakness.

This is something I need to remember and practice. Often I simply need to keep my mouth closed and observe.
I often become the spokesman when I see someone attacking someone else. And in turn I become the target. I think there is a different way.
I have a great example of doing this.
Last year, around January or February 2012 LK was going off for some days and SH was insisting that we need cover in her absence. I didn't agree actually. But I saw a battle going on with a woman who simply wasn't listening to her staff member. I had already had enough dealings with her to know that she was bloody minded and a bully. Although I find it difficult to determine bullying. But something in me became the protector so inside I felt that SH was being bullied. I started speaking out about needed cover despite me thinking that SH was worrying too much. So LK did listen to me and went and insisted we had cover. That cover was PD. He questioned immediately why we had cover. I didn't own the fact that I ha insisted and incidentally neither did SH. PD went straight off and complained to the manager. On LK's return she got into trouble and in turn came to the office asking why this had happened. She had indeed acted in good faith on my say-so. I didn't own it even then. The superhero turns coward.
As a result and rightly so LK could not trust me. I understand that. And that was embedded into her from that moment on. Then everything became a battle and she wasn't ever going to listen to me.
As time went on I kept practising keeping y mouth shut. I do not need t be the hero and defender. But there is a fine line. Knowing when to observe and when it's appropriate to step in. IN that case I can see the drives; my dislike for LK being one of the biggest motivators. But also I do always get this sense that I need to stand against the apparent super power even when I don't believe in the cause. I think this is the part of me that cannot stand up for myself, not wanting to see someone being persecuted. It's the injustice and in my powerlessness I "big-up" but really it's falsely harnessing rage.
It's not courage.
The courage would be in observing and mindfully deciding on what needs to be done. IN that particular circumstance I know that SH is perfectly capable of standing up for herself and in fact I would have been better off either keeping quiet or speaking my own truth, i.e. that we would be fine with a proviso that if it was becoming unmanageable we could call upon PD for cover. We would have been just fine.
But there are times when people do need defending. Ad it's on those occasions I am afraid and don;t have courage. It's not rage I harness but quiver int he fear. It's in those times that I need to embrace my HP and ask for the strength and guidance to do whatever is necessary.

Lots to learn

However, this is slightly off topic although involves the concept of listening to the message not identifying it with the messenger. Sort of anyway.
Do I have an example of this recently. I do it all the time, making judgements on people and theroefore make assumptions about what is being said. If I like someone they could say the same as someone I don;t like  but I'd have a different attitude between them. That's why I like the 12th Tradition with the idea of principles not personalities. Listen to what's being said, hav compassion for every human being. Understand that my intolerance or impatiene is mine mot anythign to do with them#I have been having difficulties for esample with A who makes serious judgements about a meeting I attend regularly. She doesn't agree with the way it runs. I don't like the way she operates and find her bullying in her manner. Hmm there's a connection. Anyway as a result I do not value anything she contributes. I listen to her with a cynicism. And I have listend to gossip about her because it adds fuel to my already cynical thoughts about her.
And so  I need to simply observe and not be stand offish or rude. I can engage removing preconceptions and negative judgements. Love her for who she is. Hearing a aprt of her story I can understand there are influences that have left her vulnerable. And I feel for her on that level.
I need to keep remembering to put aside gossip I've heard although I find that difficult. The fact that there are diffrences in our approach to things adds to the colour of life. There is not ONE way and certainly not my way is THE way. Things do work for me but there's lots of things that are not working and need more input on my part. Studying comes to mind again!
I am imperfect and that's all that metters not enayone else's imperfections. I even imagine that she is out to destroy the meeting, reading further into her comment that there are too many meetings anyway and that's why some are failing. It may be true. But all the time there one or two of us wanting to attend then it can keep going. If that doesn't happen, well so be it. Just ebcause she doesn't like it doesn't meant o say that others of us don't.
I will try and find someone to do a chair there and I will attend the Intergroup as GSR until we get some people with recovery who would like to take on commitments. If L wats to do teas and coffess that'll be a great start as she's friendly and warm. If J needs to keep attending well so be it for the time being. Maybe some time he'll move on from the women's meeting. In the meantime it's great that he's attending a meeting. For the new newcomer she doesn't know any different and isn't complaining. It;s only those of us that want it to be all women that klnow any difference coz it's been singel sex for the majority of the time.
So thre we are . It's not just about a she it about groups and things and anything. Things are just the way they are. Perhaps there are situations when I have to assert myself to ensure there is no harm but it's discerning when that is. If I am boudnried then nothing can harm me because I'll be looking after me and show people that they too can look after themselves. I can be oer protective. I want to rescue because I am actually rescuing myself, the child within me who still feels dreadfully scared and alone. I am not alone I have adult me and my HP. HP please guide me and give me strength. Thank you.



Bliss
XX

THINK

So then my next call. This persons boyfriend returned after a week away at the The Hoffman Process. I know nothing about this although the name was familiar to me. I have had a little read.
Anyway she has been quite stunne by such a different person coming homw. From a man who was not at all engaged to a man she doesn't know at all, she seemed quite surprised. She had got to a point of telling hin that either he made changes or there was no relationship. A week away and he seems so totally differnt. She wanted an intense conversaiton with him about this. I wondered if that was neccessary and perhaps it is a time to start dating and observe herslef with this new version of the same man. They hadn't planned anything for the day and she had her meeeting to attend, work to do, her sister to respond to as well as arranging time with him and time for herself. Thank goodness for the choice to weigh and measure time and acitvities as well as weighing and measuring food. Gosh! How this teaches more than just about managing food addiction.
Also she has such a difficult time with her sisters condition. It's so demanding on her. And her parents too. The helplessness of someone elses state is so terribly draining. I know this myself after really experiencing the aftermath of having taken on someon else's stress. It's so automatic I don't even know how I do it. It's odd really because within my professional role I am constantly cheking that I am not absorning someone else's emotions and often accutely aware when I have taken it on. I can feel stuck and not know what to do and not even know why I am feeling that way. When I have this sort of confusion it's often because it's not my stuckness. This week, a call came in from one of the thousands of doctors surgeries we've mailed. Immediately, PD was uplifte in mood. He was actually quite directive in a different way. He's prescriptive towards me anyway. I know I can be a bit of a buffoon with his sytems to begin with but once they are driven in I follow them. Ina similar way to my dad because of his need for perfection, the fact that I amde a few errors to begin with emans that he continues to distrust that I will do "it" right, whatever "it" might be at the time.
Anyhow, returning to the matter of absornbing his stress, as he became incredibly lifted and suddenly okay, I plumetted in my mood. Feeling heavy and frankly on the floor, I wondered what the hell had happened. I had been trunling along feeling okay about everything despite emotions of altering highs and lows. Not hyper-high, just the usual rambling ups and downs. But what I hadn't detected was the stress I'd been absorbing. I've been complaining of a back ache like I've never expeienced before. From the neck right to the base. It's complete in it coverage. Thankfully a friend is giving me a massage on Sunday. Phewee.
What I don't know is how I absorb the stress. It's not mine. I am stressed about my srudying but not about much else. So maybe having this area of stress leaves me vulnerable to absorbing someone else's stress. Who nkows. The point is that I take it all on.
G suggested I read To Wives in the Big Book. I started reading it and related to the anger and frustration, the helplessness and the drain of someone else. PD is also eating oout of control again this week rather than restricting and attempting to be i control. He keeps being interested in what I'm doing but then isn't because there are certain things he doesn't want under any circumstances to let go of. Eating out freely is one of those things. It just refelcts me to me all of the time. I was like that. I thought it was far too resticting. Just as the idea of never having a drink again (over 12 years ago now I thought that) was just ridulous. I kept on doing it my way and having things the way I wanted them but couldn't sustain that and when it went out of control I was so desperate and miserable. Eventually I gave in to the fact that I am a food addict and that I cannot eat like other people eat. And as a result of this I today have a fereedom I never knew was possible. The ties are being severed.
Anyway with E this morning I could hear the absorption of others and the concern too. She had interefered yesterday between her parents. All with good intention but the outcome has caused more issue although a not near the extent of the discomfort in connection with erh sister. I share with her the THINK before you speak acronym I picked up last week.
T - is it TRUE?
H - is is HELPFUL?
I - is it INSPIRING?
N - is it NECESSARY?
K is it KIND?

Gosh how that NECESSARY is so necessary for me to consider more than just once when slowing down to think of this THINK. I remember one of the big problems for me last year with L was when I stepped in to speak for SH who wanted cover in L's absence. I really didn;t think it was necessary but decided to back SH up because I trusted her more than L and alo it was in the fight against L. So I took over the battle. I stated the case why we needed cover. L trusted me and fought too for this. Then the cover was PD. He wondered why we had cover. I didn;t own with him that I had insisted and neither actually did SH I noticed now in hindsight. What's more she allowed me to have the battle. Why wouldn't she I suppose? Anyway I recognise today my fear of owning to PD that I had insisted and being judged  by him a a whimp. So off he trotted to the managers office in his way I expect showing L up. I was so annoyed with him for interfering, still being the bloody manager when all he was was the sessional. I didn't say anything about that either. As a result L got a bollocking and from then on didn't trust me. No doubt she felt like she'd been let down and set up. It set the precendent between her and I believe. I have to keep havng this lesson of stepping up as the protector, the saviour, the spokes-person. In itself that would be okay if I really belieed in what i was standing up against. But mainly it's a sort of codependene, Often I think wanting that person to like me. I will avoid saying what I really think.
It's improving though. And I'm learning to keep my mouth closed and consider the situation and my point of view. I can always return to it and not need to say anything there at the time.
So with E, she seemed to like THINK. I do too.

Another helpful call for me.

Bliss
x
 

Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX


 

A song for Dad

If I were to sing a song to my dad what would it be?
It needs to be one of forgiveness, forgiveness of myself right now. I watched a film call Song for Marion. My gosh it was full of similarities. A father and son who did not get along as their mother and wife was dying of Cancer. She was upbeat and loved both her husband and son. She loved her husband even though he was a grump. She loved her son, saying "he's a good boy". That hurt as I can only think that over the years I brought my parent a lot of trouble.
I was burning the candle at both ends, I was financially irresponsible, I was hedonistic and selfish with it, I chose men that were really inappropriate and unavailable in many ways. I worked addictively and then burnt out. I drank addictively and ended up using drugs. I just wanted to be loved.
I don;t know if I could have a drink again without it getting out of hand. I do tend to think it was circumstantial. I think I fell into using drugs and quite frankly I know I couldn't use them recretionally and intermittently. I wanted them and more very quickly. I should go along to an NA meeting. I probably need an AA meeting as I was really thinking I might have a drink. If it weren't for my job and my food recovery I would drink I think. FA says no alcohol. It's sugar and mind altering.
I have so many regrets about my behaviour and please God I need to find forgiveness as right now it feels painful seeing my part in the animosity in the relationship with my dad.
For goodness sake, resorting to escorting. My parents must have been despairing, thankfully they didn't know. As far as I'm aware.
Well I just had a call from an FA friend C. It was interesting talking with her as she is questioning the whole alcohol abstinence.Not believeing she is an alcoholic she wants to be able to have a drink but more importantly it's to do with what others will think. I'm long past that I said, havinf just had the same thoughts I suppose with LW. When he said we can share time over a good glass of wine. My, that's a very tempting thought. And being in Paris with ML would be a lovely time to be in a cafe having a glass of good French wine. The thing is when I used to visit places I used to spend most of my time frequenting drinking venues and staying there. There are some cities, like Zurich that I found a bar and a few of us stayed there all day. Then spent the vening drinking as well. Too lazy to tour around. Sometimes it was because I felt too large to tour around and so easier to just jabba the hut it in a bar drinking. So yes it was a usefyul call for me. Then a call from L who has decided to have a breka from meetings completely. She was struggling to make it a bridge to normal living. Somehow the commitment was not suiting her. Maybe she won't need that constant feeling of fellowship and the reminder. Some people don't. They stop drinking and live happily ever after. I like the fellowship, the understanding of difficulites with day to day living and thinking. I am no longer so despairing but an evening like yesterday can still flaw me. It's good to have people to help step out of the potential quagmire and downward spiral.
This morning I still have a feeling of remorse hanging over me and some of it involves G.
I am thinking of sending this email .... I suspect he would delete it without een reading it. But at least I would have said what I truly think.

Hello G

I am a friend of yours whether you want that friendship or not. Whatever happens I will always think so very highly of you. I have thought that since meeting you and think it today still.

I am very sad that the relationship between us didn't work out and I regret even more that you feel so badly about me as a person.

I do make a lot of mistakes, fumbling through life situations. I don't find it easy. Amidst all of that, it is NEVER my intention to do any kind of harm to YOU or anyone.

You are a good person G and I am truly, truly grateful for the great times I have shared with you. I will hold those in my heart always.

I knew that I needed some time without contact and maybe could have expressed that more clearly. I didn't mean to piss you off so. I hoped you might be understanding of that and although you don't trust me, trust that it is not because of you.

I wish you only good and really mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

 

Bliss

 

 

What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? I guess if unsure I will wait and re-read and see if it's still the right think to do. The intent behind it is valid. I would like him to know that I have no evil thoughts of him. I didn't like things that happened between us. The mix just wasn't right as a couple. Perhaps there isn't anyone that will be the right chemistry with me as I am. But it doesn's stop me liking these people.

On Friday I went out with a flurry of petticoats, red cha cha heels and hat boxes. As a result I left my keys in the door and the door unlocked. I sudenly remembered this when I was too into my journey to work to turn back. The I was agonisig about whether it was valid enough reason to phone the vicar of the local church. I might know people to say hello to but I don;t have people's numbers. My downstairs neighbour has given me his number  now. I think I may have lost that too now! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I keep losing words again and get fearful that this is the onset of dementia or something serious. Especially with these dizzy spells and heart flutters. On the otherhand it could be menopause connected and just less noticeable as some of the more noticeable side effects when larger are not present now. Anhyway in my clumsy way I phoned him having talked with an FA person (as nuts I think as me, S) who agreed that it would be an okay thing to do to ease my fears. Break ins etc. I called, told him I was a bit bonkers and he did walk around to my flat, finding the keys in the door. He didn't want to disturb T (downstairs neighbour) so early but delivered the keys to him later in the day. How very kind. Now I will make a donation to the church - what should I donate?
Which reminds me. I need to count up the AA pot and pay the two lots of rent outstanding by cheque and bank the £198 into my account. I'm so lapse about this. I'd like to ahnd that commitment over actually. I'd much rather do something I'm better at. Oh well.

Being a "modelle" has so far been fun. I'm a model for an art class. They have thanked me for sitting so still. It's hardly the pose in the Girl with the pearl earring painted by Vemeers. And I'm far from a girl. Their paintings are not at all like me. Even the artists very fast impression is nothing like me I find. This were the creations I managed to photograph on Day 1 and then Day 2. 2 more days to go. Some people are only doing 2 days some people are doing the one piece over the days they are there. Some people are doing lots each time. It's interesting the references he makes to other painters and discussions about techniques. I think I should like to have lessons. I guess this is what the masters did and how they found proteges perhaps.

 Day one

 Day one

 Day two

 Day Two

 Day two

 Day two (one of many)

 Day two

 Day two

 Day two later on

 Day two

 Day two (tutors fast start)

 

 

 

A very emotive film for me. A Song for Marion

 

Cast includes Terence Stamp, Vanessa Redgrave, Christopher Ecclestone, Gemma Arterton in

Paul Andrew Williams.

Humour but truly a pluck on grief within me. I think the acting was as ever outstanding by these very professional actors. It's a snippet in time before death and only a brief glimpse of the interactions around that.

I am not sure if it is sheer brillance because it's so real or if being so close to some of my reality makes it seem master work.

I have been thrown into my grief as a result of watching it, hence the opening theme of this entry today. Remorse, loss, sadness, internal turmoil, reconciliation.

 

It was a lovely light relief and a nice surprise when LW phoned me just as I was getting ready to go out for something to eat.

I would really like it if I had freinds with males as well. A mix of social people in a group. There was a largegroup of men at the pub last night. A team of some sort I would suggest. A wedding was taking place and the bride was so young looking and pretty. The guys were all so young as well. I was cynical in my thoughts and wish for them all that none of them follow a journey like mine has been. However, I can turn to the gloom of it all and forget to see the wonder of the journey too.

And today I've had a call with L, C and now my friend S too. It's lovely to have this friendship and connection.

Thank you Universe - beaming smiles

 

Bliss

x



 

SC's response the the Arms of Mary

Dear Bliss

To offer you thoughts, opinions or perspectives about what you have shared with me would miss understand the importance of the truth that you seek to express. I can therefore only offer you a response

I feel privileged that you would share such a very personal and private agony. I am most struck by the Unfathomable, confusing, torturous and terrifying Truth that you have lived with for much of your life.

I congratulate you for your relentless efforts to confront injustice, in the hope that you may be free. Maybe you have arrived at a place where it is time to relinquish the painful search for 'why'. The answer is embodied in the impossibility of ever knowing why

Freedom is the recognition that in the face of trauma, we can define our own Truth with the help of God or Higher Power.

Warm regards

Principles as a layer of Systems according to St Paul

Romans - letters from St Paul to the Romans
7:14

The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.

... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.

You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things  biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.

There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I  do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?


Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...

A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?

Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.

Bliss
xx
 

Broken Eyes

Going to bed now. But as the jealousy subsides the anger is rising. Want him to prioritise me. Hope he doesn't call coz I don't feel civil right now. Bloody hell relationships. And this is yet another one I didn't even want. I just get too flipping excited that anyone has paid me attention. It's been like that for a long time. I would like me to be different.
The story? Well in a voice message and a text one too G announced that E had called hi "on the sauce" again wanting to be taken to Petworthless meeting as G put it. I do like his creativity. I was instantly jealous as he has an interest in her. I assume an interest means he fancies her and given the chance would have a relationship with her. She's married but after all G has no respect for that having had affairs with married women in the past including D and spends time with her husband too. He says they are mates now and he's very very fond of her. But it is is peculiar. Still let's not buy into all that querying and questing for knowledge and certainty.
So off he goes to the meeting and sends me a text gratefully received saying that he will make some nourishing beans on toast and then call. He did exactly that bu didn't talk about E. I enquired and he unravelled the story. There was the conversation that she prefers male company in AA and of course he prefers female company. Do I feel okay with him developing another friendship with another woman. I don't think it's okay and whether he's chaste or not the women will get the wrong message especially if they are drinking and for years can be needy for male attention. Look at me with G. But he will say how can I think that he would make any approaches when I know his issues with sex. However, he was forward with me and direct about his issues and that hasn't stopped him at all. Plus I think he'd like a multitude of women's places to be able to be so that when kicked out of each place he has another, anywhere but his pit. I'm now going into the realms of paranoia and fantasy. But the truth will be revealed and there is something instinctual about this. I see his insecurity and also his selfish drive. And when he doesn't get what he wants he is either moody and withdrawn or punishing by getting his needs met in other ways. Not always healthy. I am taking his inventory yes! All I can do though is take care of my jealousy and insecurity and know that whatever happens I will be okay. This is the situation and it actually cannot do anything more than stir up these unpleasant feelings. I need some time to discover if my intuitions are founded in any way.
My eyes are broken in that I see myself as fat or a distorted body image because when overweight I've been feeling okay about myself until seeing a photo. When I saw myself underweight in a photo I was quite surprised. I have broken eyes.
But I have broken eyes about that so they are possibly broken about other things. I see one thing and read a million assumptions into it. So we will see. If he now starts having a lot of text contact with E, what will I do? If she's drinking she's going to be reaching out in the needy way. If her husband is kicking her out then she is going to want people to pick up the pieces and she prefers me. Is G suddenly going to spend time being that piece picker upper. He doesn't involve me. He might be trying to involve Long S but it's half-hearted really if E turns that down. Then what? He is surrounded by drunk needy women. Interesting description and picture. Do I want a man who wants to be surrounded by drunk needy women?
He will I think have thought that is the position I am in at work. Surrounded by drunk needy men. That's how he was and will undoubtedly be basing his experience of therapists on the ones he ended up having relationships with. I despise them their dangerous unprofessionalism. I think they are unaware of the damage they cause. Please God I never ever enter into that destructive journey. There but for the grace of God go I.
Am I seeing this through broken eyes? I don't know. At least if I keep talking and writing it will become clear. I do not need to act out the inquisitiveness and anger and quest for certainty. I know it will be revealed. I went digging with JH and found what I wanted to see. I do not need to go digging in the certainty that the Universal energy will reveal what I am supposed to see. In the meantime I can enjoy what I is enjoyable and leave the unknown to be where it is.
I can carry on doing what I want and like doing. I work regardless of what G thinks. I have arrangements with my friends regardless of what G may think or do. I suspect he will take his revenge somehow because although aware of his feeling she does utilise his emotions to repay me. Or am I being paranoid about that. Is this something that I know from my dad who wasn't quite as wily or from my mum who just stopped trying to change things. I don't know. It is ingrained into a deep groove in my psyche though.
So I need to get ashed and dressed and set off to pick up GB from hospital. I'm glad to be able to be of service to her. But it is an interruption from a non starter of my studies. All this week I have not been able to read in the mornings because of work!! I let it happen?

Bliss
XX