Death Death Death Death

What is this that there is death all around right now. T just called me to tell me that Sunny died on 18th August 2011. This is the soonest she has been able to call. And there I was thinking just the other day that I must call her. All these people to keep in contact with and enjoy whilst they are alive. I feel so sad. Sunny was such a lovely man, such a lovely funny fuddy-duddy. Somehow I knew you know. I know that sounds ripe after the news has been told but I just did. I knew I should have called and I didn't because I knew.
I wish I trust my instincts more. I tell myself it's such rubbish. The contact with ML, there is some sort of awareness about with that too, although thankfully her daughter is making such a wonderful recovery. I knew L was dying. E's friend is dying.
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It feels almost too much to comprehend. All this death. All this loss. All this sadness amongst people that survive. My auntie, T, my uncle, the 3 little girls, M and everyone.... it suddenly feels so overwhelming. I am not sure I can cope with so much death. But of course I can. Nothing I cannot cope with is sent to me.
I was imagining taking my last breath. It leaves me with a little panic. Wondering if that last breath feels like suffocation. I am claustrophobic I have realised and suffocating fills me with terror. And I imagine that gasping for my last breath. The gone bit is OK. I wonder if it's so horrible taking that last breath or if there is some peace and shut down within the brain. Who knows? No one knows.
I think if people were to know I think like this they would think I was macabre and strange. Is it so strange. I wonder what it must be like knowing and saying goodbye must be so sad. I hope, I truly hope that I will have learnt to be gracious and calm. That I will be able to comfort if anyone is sad around me. I would like to be able to be dignified and wise and support anyone close to me in their dignity.

It's just so sad that those lovely people are no longer here. They are in my heart - how weird that I was sort of expecting that call and knew instantly I saw T's name on my phone. Do I remove Sunny's name alongside hers?

There is a certain knowing and acceptance I feel. I understand. I know that life as I know it comes to an end. I think I am scared of losing LouLou. As I watch her getting older and little things are taking their toll on her. She is my companion and with me for so long. She represents so much of my recent life. And it breaks my heart to imagine life without her. Yet I also understand. Life comes to a close.
I wonder what mark I leave if any on this planet of lives that will go on without me?

Bliss
XX

10 Years!

Yesterday I achieved 10 years without a drink of alcohol or use of any narcotics or addictive mind altering meds.
When I started going along to AA and NA and attending treatment, I didn't sign up for 10 years abstinence. But it's been an incredible journey thus far and I have absolutely no regrets! Nope none at all.
It hasn't been easy but when I pick up the simplicity suddenly it is very serene. And in recent moths I have discovered something even higher. It is wonderful. There are no words just as I sit and write this that fully describe what "it" is that I feel I have right now. Like everything, it can pass.
No I have no regrets. But I am a mere baby at recovery, especially looking at the full extent of escape routes from reality. So I continue to take it one day at a time and find gratitude in every little thing. There is a part of me too that would love to be a social user, with no consequences. if that were guaranteed well maybe I would but if it meant losing what I have today I would not wish to take that risk.

Yesterday was actually a selected date as I cannot recall exactly when I had my last drink and drug. However I know for sure that on the 25 Sep 2001, I had not had a single drop of either pass my lips.
Sadly this anniversary also reminds me that in November of the same year my mum died. I was not sober of mind enough to have been fully present in the period leading up to her death. other addictive behaviours were at play without me even realising it. I was I think manic too, now that I am reflecting on this with new information.
I do regret that. I was there but not fully. There was her birthday in which I skedaddled before the actual event. I am so very very remorseful. I understand more now but that does not change what happened. I feel so sad and grieve the loss of my lovely mum. And now 10 years later little Lisa is dead too.
If the soul lives on somewhere beyond life as I know it, then I hope my mum will show Lisa the way and that they can rejoice in that place called Heaven wherever that may be. Maybe Heaven is simply in my heart. And there they reside together with all the other loved ones that have died and I miss immensely. I carry them with me and all I have to do is think of them.

Well done me for the great path I chose to follow that day in 2001. It was a long time choosing with a few meanderings on the moors and through the trees. And it's been uphill and  down dale, winding and circling and always, always interesting. Along the path I have met and travelled further with some people who are still walking along with me. There are those that have joined the path and then moved off in a different direction. Others turned back from whence I came. I am curious about what happens next. I do know though that so long as I keep stepping life will happen and I don't need anything to act as an escape. It's an ongoing adventure full of joy.
Trudging the path to happy destiny

Bliss
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