How do they know? The statistic that is given of how many people swallow spiders in their sleep. Allegedly many a fateful spider drops from above into the open jaws of the snoring unsuspecting below. Imagine the horror for the spider, being tossed and turned and the deafening sounds and force gale winds.
But how do they calculate sucha stastic. The statistyic comes from hearsay anyway - I have never searched for the statistic itself. It has been mentioned to me by a number of others through the years. It's a myth I am sure that gets dropped into conversation as a caveat or a joke.
I an feel my grace returning. I am less reactive but not completely reaction-less. I am a little more thoughtful of what I need to say to be responsive to my emotions.
It is horrid hearing how my love thinks he is bad. He seems to interpret some things that are said or actions as him being bad.I feel sad to hear him say this. And I can relate too as I think I am bad and the problem.
I know he is not THE problem and is not bad. I know rationally that I am not THE problem or bad. We both have a part in the way we interact which contributes to the us.
My love spoke about a reluctance to be sexual with me. In my mind I am touching him all the time and snuggling into him when he is not looking. I keep putting my heart in his hand when he is occupied so that he won't notice it. ALWAYS, AlwAYS, I am either holding his hand, or touching his face, or have my foot on his foot, or touching him in some way. I never let go.
I keep asking the Universe to help me just be. Put trust into the process. JH my love tells me he is working on his openness and honesty. I know he has started and its difficult for him when I react once again to the details. He reacts to that by closing down no doubt. This is the circular motion of this part of our interaction. I try to step out of this. I find it difficult though because it overlaps another process that has taken place. They are not necessarily spirals but overlapping circles of interactive processes.
I get hooked into the detail because previous circumstances and discussions, even though worked through individually have an influence. On those few occassions changes have been discussed and dealt with but the principle hasn't altered throughout. So the detail has been dealt with but the overriding behaviour isn;t adjusted despite the area recently becoming visible being negotiated. And then my questioing and insecurity is triggered so I am alert to every little detail being said. I really don't like how this reactionary alertness is alive in me. I keep asking the Universe to help me keep away from this. But my insecurities are heightened and so I react.
The feeling of hurt is so not nice. I am so scared I will lose JH, my love. And yet to just let go and be and trust that whatever happens is OK - it is OK just loss of someone I love so much would be a lot of healing to have to manage. Reminds me of the lyrics - A real emotional girl - Randy Newman.
She's a real emotional girl
She wears her heart on her sleeve
Every little thing you tell her
She'll believe
She really will
She even cries in her sleep
I've heard her
Many times before
I never had a girl who loved me
Half as much as this girl loves me
She's real emotional
For 18 years she lived at home
She was Daddy's little girl
And Daddy helped her move out on her own
She met a boy
He broke her heart
And now she lives alone
And she's very, very careful
Yes, she is
She's a real emotional girl
Lives down deep inside herself
She turns on easy
It's like a hurricane
You would not believe it
You gotta hold on tight to her
She's a real emotional girl
I believe and then it becomes apparent it's not so true after all. JH my love tells me that he loves me, that he has never taken his love away and given it to someone else. I know this and that's beautiful. I have my very own love from him.
I don;t know if I am able to express that this is precious to me and I really feel the same. I have love for my friends and have loved in the past but it does not deflect at all and in any way from my love with JH. Nothing comes in the way of that.
What is the difficutly and I am hurt by is that even though he loves me he has been unable to be open and honest. Trust develops. I put trust in things and learn from there. Trustworthy behaviour develops trust. So when I am told one thing and believe in it, it is a real painful realisation when I disover that that is not the truth. Tis does not seem loving - love involves respect, dignity, putting trust in the process too, and the rest.
By keeping things hidden or not tellin g the truth it is a form of keeping control and not at all trusting the process.
It may be that I tell something to someone and they don;t like enough to break contact with me. Well to not tell them is taking away that right of choice. Oh boy have I done that in abundance. But I would rather at least be honest and them make that choice but still at least respect me for my honesty. What ever their thoughts on what I have told them.
THIS IS ME _ I HAVE NOTHING ELSE> I LIKE ME ENOUGH TO BE OPEN ABOUT ME> I GIVE MYSELF THE DIGNITY OF REVEALING ME TO EVERYONE
If you don;t like me - well that's your choice and it make rock my confidence for a while but I still like me.
And one thing is for sure I have to stay with me for a very long time so if I don;t like me I need to look at what I am doing that is unlikeable and I can change that. If someone else doesn;t like it I can take a look at it see if they have a point or not and adjust accordingly
It helps when others tell me thigns as I mioght not have noticed and been disliing myself without knowing why. Conscience is amazing - it tells me what is going on I just have to listen and work out what it is that conscience is telling me.
Of course I don;t take critique so well all the time.
So I can understand if JH my love feels discomfort at me pointing out something I don;t like.
God I felt awful at having been unboundaried on a persons blog. It was so helpful to be told how that looked and I could make adjustments not just for that occassion but to practice adjusting my choices all together.
I have learnt a lesson beyond the one instance
Oh I have to go.
Son;t open your mouth when sleeping. You never know what might drop in and be tortured in those vibrating larynx.
Bliss
XX
