A man is in my life!
G. I've mentioned him of course. We started talking some months ago at AA meetings. And rapidly but not so too it has developed into spending more and more time and reaching sexual intimacy.
In my mind I know that it's risky. I know that I am full fo self-will, insecurity and not so loving of myself enough to really be entering into a relationship.
Already I am aware of things I am tolerating without respecting my real thoughts and feeloings. One is his friendship with Mrs Elstead. I do respect anyone's choice of friends. However, this is more than friendship. She is a woman he has deep fondness for, in his own words. She is a woman he has had an affair with. To him it's necessary to come to acceptance of being the other person in a relationship. For me that's not okay. So I am sucking that to see. I know if was a friend I would be saying that it's not self respecting. I only actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is unatteched elsewhere. In some ways it's convenient though as there then is less of an attachment. I'm not really see this is in a fully conceived concept. I know it's there. His relationship with her means I do not have to be so fully committed. Interesting but not healthy in the greater scheme of things. Intimacy and commitment seem interlinked to work healthily. By commitment I do not mean to a lifetime. I mean on a daily basis working towards the same direction. Lovingly and respectfully and with no outside distractions as temptation to avoid intimacy and commitment.
There is also the fact that G does not want to work to earn money. I do not judge him for that. I am perfectly at ease with it. However, there is a degree of knowledge from my own experience that whilst it's nice in the semse of not having to be responsible to routine, it's also not good for self-esteem and self care. I was able to alter my lifestyle to suit the circumstances but being able to work to afford the things I enjoy despite having to be cautious, well it's satisfying. It goes overboard for some people. It goes to the point of imbalance, earning, earning, earning. It can seem justified too. Needing to work ferociously to be able to afford lovely things. True! But what about a balanced work or activity life so that other things like relaxation, friends, interests, etc have room for breathing too. This all evasive thing called balance. Anyway there is the other extreme of simply investing in relaxation. Avoiding turning up for one's potential in a way. Limiting the horizons but acoiding all stressors too. The stressors will find a way of manifesting regardless because if anyone is remotely like me I will create the stress. It's almost a default position. As I have faced the world more and more my strength to stressors has increased. I used to think I couldn't be out there because I was so anxious and stressed. Wrong. I can be out there and with support find ways through the stress. The stressors exist everywhere.
And as a result I have some things in my life that I work hard to be able to enjoy. The stressor is not having enough money to be able to do more.
So last week, I was visiting G at his second home, Mrs Elsteads home. He said one evening that he wanted to sleep with me. We had talked at length about issues with sex itself. We talked about skin on skin, which G now calls his skin on skin therapy.
We then were talking very openly about our lives as children at the hands of neglect and abuse. Afterwards G was very angry with me. He became angry it seems when I was asking him to stop being furious with my dad. He was cursing and saying what he wanted to do or me to do. How many times have I been in that situation and these feel I create it. I also realise that I was tapping into a lot of his own anger. I think and it's only a theory because I think G would accuse me of being a therapist, that having made himself so vulnerable to me he need to lash out at me and push me away. Apparently when I said that I felt hurt and sad, it was like a wake up call for him. I said that I knew he did not want to hurt me but at times just people interacting can be hurtful without there being any intention of it. It seemed to bring him back though and that was the night we ended up sleeping together, no sex. I had already felt incredibly sneaky by the cat I was meeting him in Mrs Elsteads house when she and her husband were away. Her being married did not make it better but worse, My principles these days do not involve cheating on people.
However, I am being dishonest with B, my sponsor, too. I still have not told her about having had contact, let alone the fact that we are now sleeping with each other and having sexual intimacy on a regular, evening by evening ad day by day basis. I am on leave and he is a free agent. So he is staying here, every day and ever night. I like it. But it is disrupting my studying and contact with friends and fellows from FA.
It is what I would call those early days of total plunge. Indulgence in a way. Which if it was being supported by friends then it would be less of a total absorption into each other. But I have not told anyone. It's shame. Not at all of him. I like G enormously and what we've been doing. He is a handsome, intelligent, humorous man. He is gentle and conscious, as much as is possible in stages. But importantly he is working at consciousness and mindfulness. He is considerate and generous with time and money, despite his financial status. How anyone can afford to shop at Waitrose is beyond me. I feel a cheapskate and plebby really only affording Lidl's. However, Lidl's is okay. And whilst they are less concerned with packaging and perfectly shaped, coloured fruit and veg, their produce is probably no better grown. It's just more polished to convince people they are buying healthier. A lot of people buy healthier in this image but don't actually eat healthily or look after their bodies other than what they purchase. That's ironic.
Anyway, there is a lot of talk between us. I love that G introduces me to new topics and interests. Anyone that knows me well will know that that is the most intoxicating aphrodisiac for me. Alongside humour. He is charming is many ways. I like that. But boy he's angry too. He talks of meditation nd becoming conscious. But also in opposition to my desire to head towards forgiveness and love for example with my dad, I think I understood that he wants to hold onto the anger towards his neglectors and abusers. What a bloody world this is. When I listen to his story I am so sad and angry for him.
This was unfinished writings but complete in the sense things have moved on since then (added 21 Oct)
Bliss
XX
G. I've mentioned him of course. We started talking some months ago at AA meetings. And rapidly but not so too it has developed into spending more and more time and reaching sexual intimacy.
In my mind I know that it's risky. I know that I am full fo self-will, insecurity and not so loving of myself enough to really be entering into a relationship.
Already I am aware of things I am tolerating without respecting my real thoughts and feeloings. One is his friendship with Mrs Elstead. I do respect anyone's choice of friends. However, this is more than friendship. She is a woman he has deep fondness for, in his own words. She is a woman he has had an affair with. To him it's necessary to come to acceptance of being the other person in a relationship. For me that's not okay. So I am sucking that to see. I know if was a friend I would be saying that it's not self respecting. I only actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is unatteched elsewhere. In some ways it's convenient though as there then is less of an attachment. I'm not really see this is in a fully conceived concept. I know it's there. His relationship with her means I do not have to be so fully committed. Interesting but not healthy in the greater scheme of things. Intimacy and commitment seem interlinked to work healthily. By commitment I do not mean to a lifetime. I mean on a daily basis working towards the same direction. Lovingly and respectfully and with no outside distractions as temptation to avoid intimacy and commitment.
There is also the fact that G does not want to work to earn money. I do not judge him for that. I am perfectly at ease with it. However, there is a degree of knowledge from my own experience that whilst it's nice in the semse of not having to be responsible to routine, it's also not good for self-esteem and self care. I was able to alter my lifestyle to suit the circumstances but being able to work to afford the things I enjoy despite having to be cautious, well it's satisfying. It goes overboard for some people. It goes to the point of imbalance, earning, earning, earning. It can seem justified too. Needing to work ferociously to be able to afford lovely things. True! But what about a balanced work or activity life so that other things like relaxation, friends, interests, etc have room for breathing too. This all evasive thing called balance. Anyway there is the other extreme of simply investing in relaxation. Avoiding turning up for one's potential in a way. Limiting the horizons but acoiding all stressors too. The stressors will find a way of manifesting regardless because if anyone is remotely like me I will create the stress. It's almost a default position. As I have faced the world more and more my strength to stressors has increased. I used to think I couldn't be out there because I was so anxious and stressed. Wrong. I can be out there and with support find ways through the stress. The stressors exist everywhere.
And as a result I have some things in my life that I work hard to be able to enjoy. The stressor is not having enough money to be able to do more.
So last week, I was visiting G at his second home, Mrs Elsteads home. He said one evening that he wanted to sleep with me. We had talked at length about issues with sex itself. We talked about skin on skin, which G now calls his skin on skin therapy.
We then were talking very openly about our lives as children at the hands of neglect and abuse. Afterwards G was very angry with me. He became angry it seems when I was asking him to stop being furious with my dad. He was cursing and saying what he wanted to do or me to do. How many times have I been in that situation and these feel I create it. I also realise that I was tapping into a lot of his own anger. I think and it's only a theory because I think G would accuse me of being a therapist, that having made himself so vulnerable to me he need to lash out at me and push me away. Apparently when I said that I felt hurt and sad, it was like a wake up call for him. I said that I knew he did not want to hurt me but at times just people interacting can be hurtful without there being any intention of it. It seemed to bring him back though and that was the night we ended up sleeping together, no sex. I had already felt incredibly sneaky by the cat I was meeting him in Mrs Elsteads house when she and her husband were away. Her being married did not make it better but worse, My principles these days do not involve cheating on people.
However, I am being dishonest with B, my sponsor, too. I still have not told her about having had contact, let alone the fact that we are now sleeping with each other and having sexual intimacy on a regular, evening by evening ad day by day basis. I am on leave and he is a free agent. So he is staying here, every day and ever night. I like it. But it is disrupting my studying and contact with friends and fellows from FA.
It is what I would call those early days of total plunge. Indulgence in a way. Which if it was being supported by friends then it would be less of a total absorption into each other. But I have not told anyone. It's shame. Not at all of him. I like G enormously and what we've been doing. He is a handsome, intelligent, humorous man. He is gentle and conscious, as much as is possible in stages. But importantly he is working at consciousness and mindfulness. He is considerate and generous with time and money, despite his financial status. How anyone can afford to shop at Waitrose is beyond me. I feel a cheapskate and plebby really only affording Lidl's. However, Lidl's is okay. And whilst they are less concerned with packaging and perfectly shaped, coloured fruit and veg, their produce is probably no better grown. It's just more polished to convince people they are buying healthier. A lot of people buy healthier in this image but don't actually eat healthily or look after their bodies other than what they purchase. That's ironic.
Anyway, there is a lot of talk between us. I love that G introduces me to new topics and interests. Anyone that knows me well will know that that is the most intoxicating aphrodisiac for me. Alongside humour. He is charming is many ways. I like that. But boy he's angry too. He talks of meditation nd becoming conscious. But also in opposition to my desire to head towards forgiveness and love for example with my dad, I think I understood that he wants to hold onto the anger towards his neglectors and abusers. What a bloody world this is. When I listen to his story I am so sad and angry for him.
This was unfinished writings but complete in the sense things have moved on since then (added 21 Oct)
Bliss
XX
