Compassion brings serenity

I have had a period of time now when I've been having vivd dreams. In the early hours today I was dreaming vividly but can only remember parts now.
A man (not familiar) was sinister. He was wearing a black mac and I think it had some tears in it. He was basially holding me hostage with a need for me to reveal or do some bad things. My partner was with me, whoever he was. I didn't ever see his face. We had a group of people ith us whom I was feeling responsible for and attempting to not lead into the danger. I kept losing my phone. I was anzious every time but then it would turn up thank goodness. It as key to keeping in contact with this man as he drove us all in this estate car, a BMW, lots of us which dream-like meant we all fitted in of course. I felt a lot of anxiety in this dream and angst about the regular loss of my phone. Fear.

This week I have had a feeling of being detached from myself and the world. I haven't got a connection with my emotions fully. I notice it faster in my work when sudenly I am less astute, less aware of emotions in myself which are the instinct with which I work a lot. I always think it would be so misunderstood if I tell people that I work more with instinct than anything esle. But instinct doesn't mean I make presumptions. It simply triggers me to be able to enquire about something I may or may not have picked up correctly.

What a lazy morning I've been having. I woke at 6 am and then took my morning calls whilst in bed. They didn;t know that of course.  A long call from T who asked an interesting question about the spiritual path I'm on and what spirituality is to me. There are no words to describe the feeing I get but we have words such as gratitude. I feel connectivity and unity and enormity. I see how the only ting that keeps me from "using", alcohol, drugs, men, food for example, is the connection that I feel with my sense of Higher Power. This term or the word God in itself do not feel right enough to even begin to exemplify what my Highr Power is.
And I was able to express how I cannot enjoy religion because it tells me HOW I am meant to believe, that's my imprssion at least. Even as I write that I can see how there are some people who TELL and it's not what relligion sets out to do. I think the stories in the Bible are ways of putting across these feelings, these experiences that are difficult to express clearly because they are for me deep feelings and not something easily translated through words. I feel that the Universe and I are one, that there is no end yet I am limited by my humanness and within that it's just a journey of experiences to learn and grwo thurhg towards a sense of knowig and connectivity and total compassion. And ith that comes a sense of serenity. Something I do get to feel from time to time, contentment.
I got on a bit of a roll. Oops.
I noticced how cotrolling my ego was again last evening. I have this sense of being the longest serving abstainee at the Firday evening meeting. And with it this overwhelming sense of responsibility to keep the meeting going. I don't want to tak to my sponsor abut it as I am sure she will tell me to be less involved with AA and I don't want to let go. I have to talk to her about all of this.
Anyhow last evening when announcing that we have service positions available and L proposed herself to be secretary I suggested that it's a 6 month service rather than what has been a 4 week service. I didn;t take it to a conscience meeting because I would just like there to be some people who commit to the meeting in the same way I do.
We had a newcomer brought to the meeting by C. It was so opportune that we went together to Midhurst on Tuesday and B there was deighted to see a young woman - C is in her early 20's. She asked me if she should offer her number for him to pass on to this other young woman who was finding it quite tricky at the moment. So C spoke with her and brought her to the meeting last night. How amazing. And E mentioned C in her share. I could see how uncomfortable C was.
For me it as just lovely to observe. C is just a wondereful person. She asked R for a lift home. I thought it intersting that R turned up. I know that R has indiciated that she is jealous via AB that I spend time with her sponsee. Ad I felt a tinge of jealousy last evening. I want to tbe the one that is the shining light
EGO EGO EGO - have to laugh at myself. Thank goodness I'm aware and I can tame the ego and act graciously and supportively and lovingly regardless of my needy ego.

This evening I am secretary and have invited a lady, V, to do the chair. I heard her briefyly share at the Guikldford Sunday on another AA adventure C and I went on. I got 2 numbers ffrom that meeting. I have just one so far from Midhurst. I intend to return to get more. It's just bringing in new faces and generates a sense of new versions of the same messages. I hope it will grow the meeting slightly as otherwise it can become quite staid I think. So much ego in that?

I don't think my nutrient homeostasis has quite adjusted to the clock change yet. A fee times I've noticed I am hungry by this time, it's about 11:45 and through the week I generally eat abut 12:45. The clocks went back last weekend and I am feeing hungry still an hour before the clocks denote I should be. Ha! It never ceases to amaze me just how manmade time is and yet there is this timeliness within us. Sleep time, wake time, eating times. They all b ecome a pattern. Dogs too. IS there a change in the environment as well that combines with internalised patterns?

I received this message from The Universe ....
Generally, Bliss, people with the same information make similar decisions, leading to unity, camaraderie, and coordinated successes.

Which has profound implications for life on earth, in the 'hood, and at home.

Smooth,
The Universe

I replied thus:

I agree - fellowship and like-mindedness is helpful and useful

But I also wonder about bringing in newness and differences because otherwise things can become staid and decisions can be based on tradition rather than wise decisions.

Sometimes we have to listen to instinct even when it goes against the norm.

How does that fit in do you think?

Of curse I haven't received a reply. I guess I don't want a reply other than an agreement. But actually I would be open for the debate as well.
My mind is opening more and more. I see less that there is a right or wrong way and practice more too not to condemn because of differences but to note differences as they are certainly there but meet as equals amidst the difference.
I really do have a lot of practice with this at work when I am comparing and measuring myself against PD all the time. With his manner usually I am superior, i.e. I don't like his style of therapy. I find him so very controlling. And yet he also has insight. He tells rather than asks. Yet he thinks he is suggesting.
I worry! I get to feel really uncomfortable with this complete contradiction that he states "we do not tell anyone what to do, merely make suggestions". He makes suggestions and there is an expectation that goes with it. I see the pattern in myself and I don't know but believe that clients will too. Yet they love him. PD can be so giving and cares. I think there is a real clash of desires when he wants the business to grow and we need ckients and income and yet there is also a need for people to go on.

I had a sense that one of the clients had possibly used over the night before. He was suddenly very different. He claimed just to be tired and facing a reality suddenly of the abstinence. But his behaviours and red eyes and red face suggested to me that something else has happened. I wonder if he would come clean and honest if he had. He wants extra days of treatment. I wonder?

So it's lunchtime and then this afternoon I am walking with AB. I could easily not but I want to do that as a friend.
I want to but don;t want to pay something to AB for her looing after LouLou. I can't afford much and hoped that what I offered wasn't an insult as it certainly isn;t enough for the amount of time she looks after LouLou.
I will ask her today for her account nmber and simply direct debit the amount in each month.

I am stuck in regrets. Regret that my mum isn't arund to meet the different me. And regret that I kept my dad out. He surely wouldn't have let me but I could have let him in. If ony I had been able to.


Bliss
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A Question of honesty

It was raised some time ago when I was considering a change in my job position, how honest it really was not to tell them that I hoped to be taking another position towards the end of the year. This person said they could not take on a position without being that honest. At the time it sort of threw me. At first I was angry thinking that is so naive and not to be so silly. No one in their right mind would risk not getting a job by telling them I wouldn't plan on being there beyond the end of the year. However, talking more about this with others I am not sure that I made it clear that the other job wasn't secured, it was speculation and hope at this stage. And therefore with nothing confirmed there is nothing certain and so it would not be in best interests to say that this was hoped for. It was a plan dependant on ,many things including the job actually being there.
However the question of honesty keeps arising. In January I told a lie. It's not the only lie. After all I am stealing off the Internet on a daily basis. This is not honest and unaddressed at this stage except it';s playing on my mind. If I want recovery I need to get rigorously honest. It comes to bite me on the bum - I was taking cutlery from work. It was for the purpose of wanting my meals but I wasn't returning it. I've returned it now. Eek it's making me squirm, all this making public my dishonesty. And also I have taken some books from work. I haven't returned them and do not feel inclined to do so. However, having written this I now know I need to return them and if I want them that badly order them for myself or ask if I can have a copy. I want them and throughout my life when I want something I have just taken it. Yuch yuch yuch!!
Anyway I had a lesson to learn about honesty - yet again. It's also about taking responsibility and being able to be humble.
It was a day when L and S were arguing, S was insistent that we needed sessional cover. I actually didn't agree but because L was arguing against S I jumped into the argument, taking up S's cause (who backed off probably with the vigour of my anger and argument). So we got cover. But when the sessional came in he went and questioned it with the manager who came into the office and asked me why we had cover and I said "I don't know". L raised her shock when she learnt about this and I can see in hindsight how disappointed she was that actually I simply got her into trouble. Several times she raised the matter giving me the opportunity to own what I did and explain why. Well the other day it came up again. Having spoken with my sponsor about the lie and the shame that I was feeling because of it my sponsor really helped.
Firstly she congratulated me on my humility. And it was apparent that my "illness" or mental thinking was awry and the fear was so great that I decided to lie to try and avoid whatever it was I was afraid of. Lots of things were the fears and on many levels. I wanted to protect S as I do not want her to leave. I was afraid that P would think me ridiculous wanting cover when we really didn't need it. It was easier it seemed to lie to protect these fears. And yet it caused L huge disappointment and distrust in me. So my sponsor helped me to take ownership despite the embarrassment which can be very easily confused as it overlies humility.
I went in the next days - just a couple of weeks ago now and said
"thank you for the conversation yesterday. It gave me a lot of insight and a lot to think about. And you're right. I did lie and for that I truly apologise. I realise that it was fear." I added that I had seen the process and there was no need for me to go into that. And I also said that I know that a verbal apology is not enough and that she would have to experience my loyalty and responsibility through my actions.
L said that it was such a relief to her. She knew that she could no trust me and also that she wasn't going mad.
Gosh I have to watch my fear and what I do with it. The fear is to be acknowledged and embraced then step aside from it. Go forth with courage and be myself not the fear or the lie.
I do it a lot. Rather than be myself I will lie to try and keep everyone happy but all it does is create more problems.
Well I say that I lie - it can happen but I do not lie all the time. Gosh there's a need to be gentle with myself. I am not a liar just because I have told a lie here and there. That's what happens. People label and it's shaming. We are all capable of lying and most probably do so many many times in a day. When someone asks how you are feeling and you say alright it may not be a lie but it probably isn't the whole truth. If someone says you do this - OK? And you are not but say yes - that's a lie.
Yes there are lies at different degrees and impact at different levels. However they are lies nonetheless. That doesn't mean you are a liar. It does mean that becoming aware of it there is a chance to change.
Please God give me the courage to face my fears and act honestly and with humility. I am grateful for the awareness and want to be of good service to people.
pages 8-10 of The Little Red book talk about the aids to contented sobriety and that these are vital ...
humility, honesty, faith, courage, gratitude and service.
I am not honest about the downloading and it is not sitting comfortably. And yet I am also unwilling to let go of it. God please help me to become willing. I have every faith that you will help me and that in it's place I will find other ways that are decent and honest to access in formation - gosh the immediacy with which I require things is immense. What is this about God? Please reveal me to me. And help me to get honest and decent about this.
I need the courage to be honest about such things and show my humility. To embrace the squirming feeling of embarrassment and the courage to do that anyway. And in this way I can see all of things are a service to others. Service is not just in doing things like stacking chairs at a meeting or calling newcomers. Service is in treating people with respect and dignity. So for example by being able to be humble and honest with my sponsor shows my faith in her, respect for the programme and for her too. I can trust her. I know she'll tell me to knock it on the head. I do not need to speak to her about it to know what I need to do. I just need the willingness to tell her where I am at with this. It's the honesty.
She may say that she can't sponsor me until or unless I do stop.
Oh and there is the phone on Sundays. I am putting it on loud speaker because my phone is broken and I can't actually afford a new one. However I would afford to go to London rather than get a new phone to be honest. I do feel guilty as one of the perpetrators of not following the requirements. I need to get honest by changing this behaviour. Please God help me to be willing to do this please.
Perhaps Lidl will have a cheap phone with an answer machine. It doesn't need to be anything special.

What else? I think that's all I know of right now. Oh I do want to ask the question about mixing foods in my plastic box. Mind you B has seen my food so it's not as if I'm covering anything up and it was only mentioned yesterday that it would be considered not clean. I will try to remember to ask B her thoughts on this. I put things in layers into the box and on my plate serve them separated. Apart from the rice - I mix that up and the yoghurt with my fruit.
Interesting.

I am learning little by little. Sometimes it seems over rigorous. But I want my abstinence to be clean clean clean.
I will do whatever it takes. Will I forego though some things for my own gratification. Yes like not asking to use a landline when I was in Spain and then having to use my mobile the week later as I couldn't get through on my own landline. Phew I can make things complicated so quickly and easily.
I will mention about thinking about Secondlife. I will mention about the mix of foods. I will mention about the downloading. I will mention about the phone to someone else - God? Help me please ad thank You for always being there to show me the way. I faith that you will and I know that things get to me through my conscience if I don't - I know this is about living the way You would want me to otherwise I wouldn't feel those squirms. You talk through me in many ways. Thank You.
OK I will get on my knees now as suggested. And rather than humiliation rejoice in the humility of making this a practise of prayer.
Thank You God for another abstinent day yesterday and for the gratitude I found in many things - people, places and situations. Not least fellowship, facing fear with courage and creativity, gratitude itself, peoples shares, a clean food plan, a London meeting I can get to every so often. And time with friends in the evening and two interesting radio programmes to listen to. A sleepy LouLou and good food.
Also feeling I am good enough to go into private galleries and see wonderful pieces of art.
Thank You God

Bliss
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