Still Sunday - essay procrastination

I have at least started on my essay - 1500 on the worthiness of attribition theories contributing to udnerstanding how we perceive and explain the world.
Oh actually just writing that has helped a little. This time the essay is not about detailing a particular theory or comparing anything - it's about evaluating. And the instructions say that this is what will eb required in the exam - 3 times - 3 blinking essays in 3 hours!!! Blimey. I just don't think I have the information embedded enough to evaluate anythign without a whole week to read and re-read and question and trial in various proofs. Stop worrying about the flipping exam, it's not until June - the 15th! Aaargh!!!!
Anyway I keep doing a little bit trying to assimilate the information so that I feel I have enough to start developing my argument and evaluation. I am not so confident this time with my understanding of the chapter. I have had a better understanding of others. ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY THINK THE UNDERSTANDING HAS DEVELOPED AS i'VE RESEARCHED AND WRITTEN THE ESSAY. mOST OF IT'S FORGOTTEN ALREADY.
Ooops must have clicked the caps lock. Sorry. Who am I saying sorry to.
I keep getting excited about the thought of having this pcyhological knowledge and teaming it with therapeutic work. Then I worry about the fnances. If offered the job will they offer a decent pay enabling me to take it? Will I be non-codependant to be able to negotiate money? I do think that under the financial circumstances, working 5 days might be a serious consideration now anyway. I just can't afford to live on the monthly income I have. There is literally no spare for haircuts or clothes or social time out. As for savings forget it! So 5 days might be an necessity anyway. Then I worry about being able to continue with my studies. At the moment I don't do anything after work as I feel too tired but because I have all day Friday it hasn't been so much of a problem. This then starts the washing machine effect - all this information and questioning starts tumbling around and around in my head and energizes into anxiety. Indecision and fear!!
I still haven't been offered a job yet so I really do need to keep bringing it back to that.
Rock Hudson really was an incredibly handsome man. And The Man Who Would be King is a film on this afternoon adapted from Rudyard Kipling's short story of the same name. Really and truly very little these days is original. I wonder where people like Kipling got his inspiration or was it a variation on something from way back then. When was the original thought of stories etc?
I love the ease with which I can look up inforamtion - the Internet. Wikipedia. This morning Iw as looking up Bentham - Jeremy. Philospher. Utilitarianism. Importance of action being wieghted by th outcome. In short - what did they say "the means to an end"? I think.
Maybe it's just that I am more interested in the world and so bother but it's definately more convenient with the internet and so I can be bothered. Or maybe it's all just distraction from my essay.
I have sent my usual after eating text. I have nice food and want more. I think even if I haven't had anything especially nice I want more. I just find it so so hard not to eat more. But so far have 4 weeks and 3 days abstinence apart from a few handfuls of sultana's whilst preparing meals oh and about 4 spoons of couscous last evening as preparing meal. Mind you I didn;t have lunch yesterday and so I was really hungry by dinner time and that's not a good way to approach a meal time. I can see the danger.
I did have a nice lunch today and more than enough to eat. I feel very satisfied in my tummy. Just wanting to taste things and of course I think the desire to eat is really triggered by the frustration I feel when attemtpting to get my ideas together and verbalised or writtenalised - (what's the term for that ?). I just seem to need other distractions at times to assimilate things. But I have a tendency not to return to it. At this stage of the preparation I am literally trying to get the ideas together but feel slow because I am not getting anything down on paper. Phew it's hard. I do need the whole week to do it as well I can.
Right I am going to walk LouLou although it feels too early to take her out. Hopefully i will come back and continue with my assimilation of knowledge. When does a memory become knowledge?

Waffle, waffle, waffle.

Bye

Dreams - It's Sunday!

I have woken up thinking it's Monday and even though have realised keep forgetting. I couldn;t work out why all the neighbours cars were still here even though it was just before 8am. I woke up thinking it was Monday and was lying in bed feeling guilty as I am signed off this week as well. Anyway I got up to have a wee and suddenly thought oh this is the day The P might let me know whether I have got the job or not.
I felt very good about how I presented myself. I had prepared well and was able to answer all their questions fully I felt. If they offer me the job I have to really consider the money as the journey is long and will be expensive fuel wise. Then what if they don't offer me the job. I felt so confident I hadn't truly considered how it would be if I don't get offered the job!!
Now I feel like I've gained a day but still can't get into the fact that it's Sunday.

More anxiety dreaming - not being able to move legs to get anywhere quickly. Needed to be running.
Previous to that though had a wonderful dream of being flown from a little airport to an office block, flying over a very futuristic built up city but not in the future. And there were loads of planets and moons that had moved in the earth's atmosphere all just floating around - all small planets and tiny moons. All beautiful colours. They were everywhere. And close, some leaning on roofs and gently bumped into some of the buildings. Different sizes.
It was amazing and some people hadn't noticed. I was disapppointed to have to land. Then I was in an office block and havibng to do some assessments of s small team - all women with one man boss. He was very tolerant but I was aware of my anxiety around him - how important it is not to piss men off with womenly type chit chat and wants and beliefs. I was annoyed with women for being womenly in attitude. OK to look womenly and sexy but not to have female attitude!
That's how it's actually been all my life. Always trying to dissassociate from girly stuff because my dad was so intolerant of it and pejorative attitude towards women being anything other than being quiet and having sex with. It has always seemed that he hated women, yet he hasn't been able to be without one or more at any time. It hurts as my mum was such a vibrant person and it has left me feeling worthless as a women. He told me that he hadn't wanted children at all but when my mum fell pregnant he wanted a boy and was very disappointed that I was a girl. Good start.
Yep I feel inadequate and worthless because I am a women.

I need to walk LouLou. I like having tis blog just to type out my thoughts and feelings. There is a problem. My journals have pages that I can just flick though and drop in and read a little on a page. I like the memory jogger. BUT with this blog I am not sure that I will do that. It just doesn't seem as accessible for that. But it's so much more accessible to just write wirite write.
I don;t hink I like the idea of people I know being able to access my inner thoguhts. Especially if ever want a moan about them. My journal is where I can be really frank. Wow how did it flip into Italics - looks good though.
Later

Saturday - what a week!

28th Feb 2009 23.35

Having kept a jounral for many years now I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing. I don't expect anyone to read it. So I'm not certain why I am doing this. This sounds an incredibly boring start to my blogs. Anyway it is my thought, honest and open!
As I travelled to my OA meeting this morning I was semi engaged with the radio broadcast. It led me to thinking how I have been for many years now defined by my tragedy. As a young girl I was attracted to tragedy. My heroines being Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe and similar tragic characters. Somehow there was a mystic about them that I adored and wanted for myself.
This concept, this realisation is new and so still forming and therefore difficult for me to articulate fully at this time. Mind you by tomorrow I will be having a completely new realisation and no doiubt on a very different tangent - this one will be discarded for the new toy!
Howecer for today ..... being dramatic, craving tragedy has been a lifetime of existing. And then because it wasn't attractive or rather what was going on in my family needed ot be "kept within these four walls", I think this is why I found ways to curb my desire for tragedy. I wonder if tragedy was my way of crying out to be noticed - "here, this is me!!!". Anyway, I discovered boys and hedonism. It was a sort of way of rebelling. At the time I was rebellious in a good two shoes kind of a way. I didn't really want to get caught so it was all out of sight of authority, my dad. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, as time went on the only way I could be hedonisitc or rather partying and out there in an extrovert sort of way was to be drunk and later drugs. These blocked my need for tragedy, I just wanted fun, fun, fun.
Phew I got it. It's been a pretty full life and experiences I hadn't thought I had wanted when I was little and wanting to be a ......... do you know I can't remember ever wanting to be an anything in particular????
Anyway I will leave this realisation room for development. Tragedy being a way of defining me, the only way for there to be any depth to me. So many external things define me. I like it though when I am just me - whoever and however that is??
I also want to claim my love for satirical comedy. Not that I am up to date on current affairs. I often get up to date through satirical shows such as The News Quiz today on Radio 4 hosted by Sandi Toksvig today. Funny little things these clever people say. I just like they way they think and I laugh out loud all on my own. I am looking forward to the return of I Haven't a Clue.
I really get to feel happy after caffeine. I think I need to knock it on the head - yet again! It works rapidly and I get a real high and ever so ever so chatty. It's like being on cocaine.

My mood is low in the monrings at the moment. I dreamt last night yet another anxiety dream. I was at the airport terminal (one) I think but it was circular and a lot of glass. I could see where I needed to get to but just couldn;t move quick enogh. It's the second similar dream, the last one also involving an airport and being alte for the plane but not being able to run fast enough - terminal 3 that time and Air India. Virgin Atlantic this time. I also dreamt that I met Mick (first husband), second time of dreaming about getting together with him. Last time he turned out to be a heroin addict and I wanted to be injected to. I watched him inject his groin. This time he turned out to be a gambler. I was aware of being really upset and disappointed and not knowing hoe to get out of it this time. Dreams mean a lot but usually I get the message a while afterwards. I think the anxiety dreams are really indicative of what's driving my low mood. And the Mick dreams are seeming to tell me I am not ready yet - still picking people that are not healthy for me. Drawn to that dysfunction to use a trendy word.

What else can I write about this dreadful week- actually couple of weeks. My car breaking down and costing a small fortune relatively speaking. Being told I may have had a stroke after a serious migraine. Visitng the stroke clinic and various eye tests - spending more money out on new glasses! Then an interview at the P and a lot of indecision being arunsed and I havent't been offerd a job - yet!! I will be so disappointed and rejected if they don't but then if the money isn't right I can't afford to take it despite thinking the work will be appropriate for me and lots of other benefits to me.

And I am behind on my studies that causes me anxiety
Oh and the bloody male-Irish-dog or menopause!!! On and off with the symptoms. I can safely say I am not enjoying one little bit the process of ageing. Grrrrrrrrr.

Yep this week has been troublesome for me and is the week following the troublesome week before. Trying to find some gratitude and can when I have had caffeine! he he he he

I am not certain how often I will write on this blog. Hope I can remember the address - no idea how to get back to add to it.
LouLou seems to be aching more since stopping the Metacam. I think I need to return to the vets and discuss this with them. I am jst worried that the medication wil have other effects on organs and things. I really can't abide the idea of being without her and I don't want her to be getting older or in pain. Ageist - I am one. Not proud of this fact and have to work hard not to act on my ageism. Ageist against myself too.

Anyway I am going to bed now to hopefully be bright enought o start essay planning tomorrow.
No bell ringing tomorrow - church still closed.