Monday 25 July 2011
Humble horses
A well-trained horse gives no cause for restraint. Rare are those beings who, through modesty and discipline give no cause for rebuke.
v.143
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Is it possible to have too much modesty? It is possible to have the wrong kind of modesty; when, for example, refraining from blatant greed is being manipulative. Modesty, frugality and discipline: words like these can make us feel uneasy. Yet certainly there are timeless principles encoded in them. When we have true modesty we look for the "right amount" of things. We seek the difference between settling for "good enough" and being too timid to excel. With right discipline we are focused on the task at hand without compromising sensitivity. One skilled in right discipline can say no when needed, not out of judgement or mere preference, but as someone who cares.
I cherish the idea of modesty. There are times when I observe myself being less than modest - superior, arrogant, egotistical. It is interesting to observe but also very unlikeable. I noticed on Saturday how disengaged I was in a kind of superior way. I listened and watched the lack of self awareness but with a smugness rather than as a part of. Thankfully watching myself I could keep reminding myself of where I come from and it is no different at all. Life gives me so many opportunities to regard me within the connections and interactions.
It's all so interesting. With my mood seemingly more levelled out right now it is also easier to feel OK about me and me within the world. Oddly I don't feel too great about the circumstances within which I have to operate but I am also uncertain how to move out of it - scared perhaps more than uncertain. I have ideas of how I would like things to be but also afraid - not trusting. It leaves me feeling uncertain about what would be secure for when I am older and frail. Unable to work I would be starving and stuck. So instead I stay stuck and dissatisfied with many things. Not ungrateful at all. I am very grateful for everything I have. But there are different things that I should like to experience.
This is not humility though. Humility I think would be accepting where I am right now and following the flow of the river presented to me.
Things that are offers of changed flows - a visit to R on her barge. A visit to IOW with RF and then a visit to Spain with her too. I have an invite to Norway which I look forward to taking. There have been some lovely gallery visits and theatre. And there are more planned.
How wonderful that I have these opportunities, whether I take them or not.
I have felt so so sad today. I cried when I got to work. Thinking of how my cousin looks, She is so so ill. Thinking of my Auntie begging God to let her take the pain and give life to L. It's just awful. Seeing the little girls. Who knows what they are thinking or knowing?? It seems all so unfair and topsy turvy. I still don't understand and the humility is that I a not to reason why. I don't have to like it though.
I pray for her. I don't know what to pray for her. But I just pray. God carry her please. Carry those girls and my Auntie. Please?
I sent an email to JH to say hello. I hoped he would reply but didn't expect him to. I was so sad to learn that he is unwell. I was also very sorry that he said he felt rejected and a failure. I read that as if I was being blamed. Maybe it's the language difference. However I can take it. It wasn't what I had meant throughout but can feel sorry that that is how JH was feeling.
I wish him a speedy recovery and all the strength needed to deal with his emotions around the big changes with divorce and negotiating for the house he so wants.
Generally today I feel exhausted. The emotions of yesterday, the extraction of energy working with people struggling so, death in abundance right now, sadness in abundance right now. A dissatisfaction yet a calm within me. I never understand the ways in which almost polar opposite emotions can seemingly sit side by side within me. I am multi dimensional and many feelings can coincide. I accept this in this very moment.
I am a quirky little person, humans are quirky little beings.
Off to watch the rest of the film
Bliss
XX
v.143
Ajahn Munindo says ...
Is it possible to have too much modesty? It is possible to have the wrong kind of modesty; when, for example, refraining from blatant greed is being manipulative. Modesty, frugality and discipline: words like these can make us feel uneasy. Yet certainly there are timeless principles encoded in them. When we have true modesty we look for the "right amount" of things. We seek the difference between settling for "good enough" and being too timid to excel. With right discipline we are focused on the task at hand without compromising sensitivity. One skilled in right discipline can say no when needed, not out of judgement or mere preference, but as someone who cares.
I cherish the idea of modesty. There are times when I observe myself being less than modest - superior, arrogant, egotistical. It is interesting to observe but also very unlikeable. I noticed on Saturday how disengaged I was in a kind of superior way. I listened and watched the lack of self awareness but with a smugness rather than as a part of. Thankfully watching myself I could keep reminding myself of where I come from and it is no different at all. Life gives me so many opportunities to regard me within the connections and interactions.
It's all so interesting. With my mood seemingly more levelled out right now it is also easier to feel OK about me and me within the world. Oddly I don't feel too great about the circumstances within which I have to operate but I am also uncertain how to move out of it - scared perhaps more than uncertain. I have ideas of how I would like things to be but also afraid - not trusting. It leaves me feeling uncertain about what would be secure for when I am older and frail. Unable to work I would be starving and stuck. So instead I stay stuck and dissatisfied with many things. Not ungrateful at all. I am very grateful for everything I have. But there are different things that I should like to experience.
This is not humility though. Humility I think would be accepting where I am right now and following the flow of the river presented to me.
Things that are offers of changed flows - a visit to R on her barge. A visit to IOW with RF and then a visit to Spain with her too. I have an invite to Norway which I look forward to taking. There have been some lovely gallery visits and theatre. And there are more planned.
How wonderful that I have these opportunities, whether I take them or not.
I have felt so so sad today. I cried when I got to work. Thinking of how my cousin looks, She is so so ill. Thinking of my Auntie begging God to let her take the pain and give life to L. It's just awful. Seeing the little girls. Who knows what they are thinking or knowing?? It seems all so unfair and topsy turvy. I still don't understand and the humility is that I a not to reason why. I don't have to like it though.
I pray for her. I don't know what to pray for her. But I just pray. God carry her please. Carry those girls and my Auntie. Please?
I sent an email to JH to say hello. I hoped he would reply but didn't expect him to. I was so sad to learn that he is unwell. I was also very sorry that he said he felt rejected and a failure. I read that as if I was being blamed. Maybe it's the language difference. However I can take it. It wasn't what I had meant throughout but can feel sorry that that is how JH was feeling.
I wish him a speedy recovery and all the strength needed to deal with his emotions around the big changes with divorce and negotiating for the house he so wants.
Generally today I feel exhausted. The emotions of yesterday, the extraction of energy working with people struggling so, death in abundance right now, sadness in abundance right now. A dissatisfaction yet a calm within me. I never understand the ways in which almost polar opposite emotions can seemingly sit side by side within me. I am multi dimensional and many feelings can coincide. I accept this in this very moment.
I am a quirky little person, humans are quirky little beings.
Off to watch the rest of the film
Bliss
XX
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