I’m finding it tricky because
I am having a period of grandiosity. By this I mean I am better than my
colleague at our job. I am judging our differences as him being not as good as
me. I keep acknowledging that his clients love him. After all he can appear as
if he is giving, giving, giving. But I find him controlling and thinks he knows
how someone is thinking and feeling. We makes guesses on what’s going on for a
person when we discuss them but PD doesn’t go about finding out, he assumes
what he thinks is correct and then tells people what they need to do. He thinks
he is being reflective. Furthermore, he thinks that people just need to sort
put the issues and these are the reasons why people drink or drug or whatever
addiction they present with. PD does not focus at all on powerlessness. I make
this guess that it’s because he doesn’t understand it himself and thinks that
if he could sort out his problems he wouldn’t be eating like he is. It will
look that way too because when things were looking up PD really was controlling
his food again. He says it’s his version of recovery and he couldn’t do what I’m
doing. In fact I’ll go so far as to say he can often sound debasing about the
way I eat. Yet he will ask me about it and then say that’s pretty much what I’m
doing. He says he couldn’t live with the strictness of it because he likes to
eat out. Typical PD, it’s all got to be in his control. I find him really controlling.
I’m not slating him because of the food. I thought the same to be honest. When
people have mentioned in the past weighed and measured food, I’ve balked at it
and them. I’ve thought of them as not being in recovery and that it is merely
control. Gosh! How differently I think about this now. Now I see this weighed
and measured food as abstinence and the very cleanliness of my food ad
freshness is all a part of the freedom rather than the opposite I once thought.
So I understand him. I had a lot more investigation to do within my so-called
freedom to do what I wanted with my food and get it under control. As A in
Scotland said, I’ve had all the exploration to try and find a different way but
none of them worked. Now I wonder if I had the support would it have worked if
everyone was doing the same. A little like ML, attending “Fat Club”, the can eat
what they like within a boundary and then there is the gathering of them. I don’t
know if they are then encouraged to contact each other or not but they are all
on a common cause so it could work. I don’t believe though that for me I could
control the intake of sugar and flour and quantity. If I have those foods I
truly believe that I cannot stop one I start. There were times when it would
build up slowly but it always ended in one place, especially towards the end. If
I made a rule of puddings only when eating out I became preoccupied with the
idea of eating out. I’d feel a frenzy about choice because I wanted it all. And
gradually there would be extra puddings at home. When I worked at the P, the
food was so unhealthy; I’d look forward to the stodgy lunches with chips and
things and then a pudding every day. I couldn’t help myself even when I was
trying to but mainly I had given up trying by that time. I felt a helpless
case. Yet still I turned my nose up at the regime when TH told me she had been
directed to this fellowship called FA. I couldn’t imagine being so
narrow-minded about my food. It irritates me now when I can hear that’s how
people are thinking. It’s as if they are criticising me. I was making judgments
about the person, that they are extremely controlled and how can that be
recovery? Quite damning and so I suspect I am thinking that’s how people are
thinking about me and I don’t like it. With AB I often feel she is mocking me.
I try to put it aside but deep inside it hurts. There are those that don’t make
judgments and barely notice. That’s so nice.
The big point here is not
about whether or not my food is the right way or not. For me it has been. For
so many reasons, which I won’t go into right now because it’s a digression from
what I want to say. See how I’m meandering around the subject. What troubles me
is this. I spend so much time thinking about what this person or that person is
thinking or judging or doing. I am comparing them or me as an almost way of
being. I don’t like this about myself. I want to be accepting of people how
they are without making critical judgments. Perhaps to be inquisitive yes. But
to be damning them in my thoughts all the time, I find ugly. I think negatively
of a lot of people. And I am always comparing myself favourably or unfavourably
which is not good for my psyche. This will also manifest itself in some ways.
Unconsciously this will show in my behaviour or attitude. At work PD said that
I seemed detached. I felt judgmental but I don’t say anything. Why don’t I say
anything? Because I have nothing positive to say and don’t want to hone in on
the negative all the time. But this leaves me just feeling as if things are
wrong.
An example? Well PD has
designed a New Year’s card to send out to clients and our mailing list.
It has humour but to be honest
I think it’s not really funny, it’s more in poor taste. I think it would be
funnier to do something taking the mickey out of him and I. This is more a
laugh at the alcoholic. Now we are alcoholics but the clients don’t look at us
in that way. I don’t think I put this message across actually. I said that I
thought it would be funnier to mock therapy in some way but didn’t have a real
formulation in my mind in the way I’ve just expressed there.
The problem is it’s PD’s
business. I don’t agree with a lot of his approaches and there are lots of
things I do agree with. His expectation of business seems to me to be naïve.
And of course I realise how little he actually knows about anything outside of
the P. I don’t know much but have a little broader experience because I’ve
worked in other places. I knew for example that the referrals from the NHS
sectors was never going to happen on a weekly basis. But he naively thought it
would be like that. Also he hadn’t considered the type of people who are
generally being treated by the NHS, The are the less fortunate in many ways and
suffered because of a lower standard of education and also a different attitude
to life. He thinks the environment at Provi for example s great. He doesn’t see
the majority of people not really wanting to be there. PD really needs to go
and spend some time in groups there and live amongst them. He says he only eve
has known success of the people he has sent there. Talk to the people that have
been there and there is a very low success rate. How can I argue with him as he
sees success. I wonder who he means. I can think of T who relapsed, J. I have
not idea what happed to M but he had referred himself, however I think we put
him in touch in the first place. R is a success and D is a semi success but I
would find it difficult to find anything positive about. Another person I’ve
condemned verbally. Eventually my intent to stay only with positive comments
about G turned to criticisms and blame, I’ve done it about ML and ET and I’ve
thought it about AM and SW and AB and GB and KM and just about everyone I know.
I think negatively about some people in FA, most people to be honest. All the
time I am criticising. ON and on as they are talking and being. I find
Recently someone new to me said "what you see is what you get". I find this interesting. It's true of everyone but there is an element of that that says and that's that! By that I mean there's no room for manoeuvre and therefore if something doesn;t gel don;t bother talking about it because this is me and there's no negotiation. It's a fait a complis. Like it or leave it. Now there is blane in this iof course. Being oneself is critiucal but being able to negoituate the gap between two people is how compromise is met and thereofre connectedness. Surely? It means this is it and so don;t bother to say what does or doesn't please or displease you. It's fixed and you know it so if you want to stay connected it's all on my terms. I find this quite a barrier to compromise and connectedness. Howevver, it says what it says on the paket and if I don't like it cheerio and move on. I also think it takes all sorts and tehrefore there is nothing to criticise. Accept and move on or accept and stay on.
So how to jjst acept everyone I know as they are and be able to say how I react and respond witout being critical and expecting change or not say anything and just let people be as they are. This is the lesson for me.
Can I stay working for someone who I don;t agree with at the leel of their philosophy, their very core belief and therefore dictates their approach? But then if I work for anyone would be we ever completely be in accorance with one another (I always think that should be one and other).
well it's ( am and I decided I would start cleangin and tidying in preparation for ML's arrival. Someone I am crtical of. SWe are off to an exhib ion in Eastbourne. It'll take a couple of hurs to get there. We are leaving after lunch so whether we get there at all will be interesting. And then going for a mooonlit walk from the Seven Sisters national park car park. Something I said to G to be there come what may. It would be amazing if he actually did turn up but I very much doubt it. If he did I might just love him forever. I decided upon this over a year ago. And I invited him to meet me there come what may between us. He is too angry a man I suspect to even consider it but having made the appoitment I shall go come way may but I'll have ML with me. It would ruin the moment with her being there if he should turn up. I doubt he even made a note of it.
I did. And I remember - old romantic that I am.
Bliss
xx
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