Yesterday seemed to be a particularly difficult day with the feelings of grief and pain. I was thinking about JH a lot.
The toing and froing of all the things I treasured about him that still exist but the differences in the way he liked to be and what I would like in a relationship. He likes women and is not a one woman man although he thought he was he said. And believed that not having had physical relationships with other women was actually monogamy. Well that's not the type of monogamy I believe in. So I was thinking of all these the things the good times together, all that was wonderful and the differences.
I need to keep reminding myself of the differences because otherwise I think that it was all me. And that I have lost something all good. It wasn't all good. The differences caused too much friction.
There is such a longing in me for him to realise he actually does love me and that in fact he wants to be monogamous in the same way I do, so that actually we can bring the good together. But that is wishful thinking and all I can do is be in today and how it is.
I even dreamt of JH this morning. I was walking across a square, lots of parked cars. It was a resident area but with a sort of parade of shops, or a market shopping area. I saw a white vehicle. It was sort of van like but an open back. I saw a man I thought was JH getting out but looked away believing it was me in my longing. Then it was JH. He saw me and walked towards me. He was unshaven and had his hat on. I smiled and said hello, feeling my heart pounding with love in my chest. He looked pleased to see me. We exchanged pleasantries and then stood for a moment - then I woke up.
It's been on mind wondering how he is managing with all the changes he is having to make. I know that for anyone it is so difficult, and I feel for him whatever emotions he is going through.
I wonder if he is now pretty much down the road with the divorce proceedings. And the dividing of the finances must be getting well underway. His wife has been waiting for some time I guess to move on. I wonder too if JH was actually strongly trying to keep things together as best he could so that he didn't have to face all of this. I am hoping that he is seeking more spiritual support through the rooms or other means rather than the distracting forces. A little distraction is helpful but when it takes over it reduces the amount of time left for what I think are more positive forces. I say that from experience.
I know that JH has his passion in carving and I hope that he is able to concentrate his energies on things like that.
Again it may just be differences and actually he is perfectly content and well wondering about meeting women and having experiences with them. And they might not all be like me that put their heart fully into the relationship and so get hurt. If both parties are playing at the same level then there is no harm. Of course both parties need a transparency and honesty so that they both do know at what level they are playing at - and that's where JH let me down. I believe to the best of my ability I was quite open about what I wanted in a relationship. I wasn't trying to trick or hide him into anything he didn't really want to be in. And JH said he wanted the same but in actual fact it was different and he said several times he didn't he wasn't be truthful (double negative - not good English grammar). Which to some degree I understand and then again when things are done in secret and lies are told to cover up what is really happening there is a conscious knowledge that something isn't all above board. And that's why I couldn't be with him.
He did not respect me enough to be honest. And then when he started to be more transparent I realised I didn't like the way he was. Not dislike him but not like that way for me to be in a serious loving relationship with someone who wanted to behave in that way and it was OK for him.
So there we are. Incompatible. And yet I still long for the other part of him.
Phew it has never been so difficult and painful. I can't believe how deeply in love I fell and never before like this.
My heart is truly broken and seems to be finding it difficult to mend. The anger is subsiding and the hurt is powerful. As I wrote before sometimes it's easier to stay angry because it masks the pain.
SO off to London today. It's not such a positive start in my morning. I am finding the regularity of change as difficult to deal with as the very low mood itself.
I want to visit London with M. I would like to be feeling better about life than I have woken up with this morning but maybe things will improve as the day goes one.
Got to go
Bliss
XX
The toing and froing of all the things I treasured about him that still exist but the differences in the way he liked to be and what I would like in a relationship. He likes women and is not a one woman man although he thought he was he said. And believed that not having had physical relationships with other women was actually monogamy. Well that's not the type of monogamy I believe in. So I was thinking of all these the things the good times together, all that was wonderful and the differences.
I need to keep reminding myself of the differences because otherwise I think that it was all me. And that I have lost something all good. It wasn't all good. The differences caused too much friction.
There is such a longing in me for him to realise he actually does love me and that in fact he wants to be monogamous in the same way I do, so that actually we can bring the good together. But that is wishful thinking and all I can do is be in today and how it is.
I even dreamt of JH this morning. I was walking across a square, lots of parked cars. It was a resident area but with a sort of parade of shops, or a market shopping area. I saw a white vehicle. It was sort of van like but an open back. I saw a man I thought was JH getting out but looked away believing it was me in my longing. Then it was JH. He saw me and walked towards me. He was unshaven and had his hat on. I smiled and said hello, feeling my heart pounding with love in my chest. He looked pleased to see me. We exchanged pleasantries and then stood for a moment - then I woke up.
It's been on mind wondering how he is managing with all the changes he is having to make. I know that for anyone it is so difficult, and I feel for him whatever emotions he is going through.
I wonder if he is now pretty much down the road with the divorce proceedings. And the dividing of the finances must be getting well underway. His wife has been waiting for some time I guess to move on. I wonder too if JH was actually strongly trying to keep things together as best he could so that he didn't have to face all of this. I am hoping that he is seeking more spiritual support through the rooms or other means rather than the distracting forces. A little distraction is helpful but when it takes over it reduces the amount of time left for what I think are more positive forces. I say that from experience.
I know that JH has his passion in carving and I hope that he is able to concentrate his energies on things like that.
Again it may just be differences and actually he is perfectly content and well wondering about meeting women and having experiences with them. And they might not all be like me that put their heart fully into the relationship and so get hurt. If both parties are playing at the same level then there is no harm. Of course both parties need a transparency and honesty so that they both do know at what level they are playing at - and that's where JH let me down. I believe to the best of my ability I was quite open about what I wanted in a relationship. I wasn't trying to trick or hide him into anything he didn't really want to be in. And JH said he wanted the same but in actual fact it was different and he said several times he didn't he wasn't be truthful (double negative - not good English grammar). Which to some degree I understand and then again when things are done in secret and lies are told to cover up what is really happening there is a conscious knowledge that something isn't all above board. And that's why I couldn't be with him.
He did not respect me enough to be honest. And then when he started to be more transparent I realised I didn't like the way he was. Not dislike him but not like that way for me to be in a serious loving relationship with someone who wanted to behave in that way and it was OK for him.
So there we are. Incompatible. And yet I still long for the other part of him.
Phew it has never been so difficult and painful. I can't believe how deeply in love I fell and never before like this.
My heart is truly broken and seems to be finding it difficult to mend. The anger is subsiding and the hurt is powerful. As I wrote before sometimes it's easier to stay angry because it masks the pain.
SO off to London today. It's not such a positive start in my morning. I am finding the regularity of change as difficult to deal with as the very low mood itself.
I want to visit London with M. I would like to be feeling better about life than I have woken up with this morning but maybe things will improve as the day goes one.
Got to go
Bliss
XX
