Someone opened a window in Heaven.
Charabang horsepower huffing and spluttering,
Climbing up the steep hill
Dragging through the grey fog,
And weighted with the heavy atmosphere.
Bursting out of it
Weightless and free
Inhaling crisp morning air after sucking a mint
Wide-eyed awe of the sunrise skies
A pastel palette brushed above the other side of the valley
An angel chorus touching my soul
The taste of pink sugar candy
Candy floss sweetness in the air
This moment savouring beyond time itself.
Maybe someone opened a window in Heaven?
Just before I plunged back into the depths
The thickness
And colourless day
Lots to write about. Very weary. I need to go away for some time
Later during my journey the fog was more like an opaque veil of mist. I wondered how ......?
This evening I was later leaving work. A 1:1 with Tigger. He has no idea what an incredibly caring guy he is.
And then I spoke with the father of a young woman I assessed today. Shortly after she called me herself and due to me getting a deal on prices, she can come into treatment. By gosh she needs help. By gosh is she going to be challenged.
By gosh was her story my own!!! I felt exhausted after the assessment. I felt like I wanted to cry with her.
I am partially surprised and partially relieved that she is coming in. The possible start of a new way forward and 20 years earlier than I did it myself.
I was pleased that as we are not so busy there was a way to negotiate a slightly reduced price and throw in some extra support for a phased departure - she will need it.
It was worth staying late for.
I have been interested by the dynamics at work amongst the team. I get a sense that SH struggles at the moment with me having been handed the baton. I think also there is some degree of unrest for her. I am not sure if all is well.
Oh do you know what? I am so tired of work I can;t be bothered to write it all out now. I have been seeing a lot. It's been very stressful indeed. No clients, few enquiries, pressure knowing that the senior management team are expecting results??? Phew hard work. Certainty once again that I do not want to return to management. What I have managed to get across is that I really would like my appraisal. Although there are supposedly no increases this year for cost of living I would like to propose that there is a recognition for the extra role I take on in PD's absence. I don't do it begrudgingly, in fact I like that I can have a go now and again. But it would be nice to get some financial recognition. After all we are paid a poor salary anyway for the work we do in my opinion.
It was very lovely to know that JH will always love me. Sad too as it seems to me that it fades into a general love of people. That is my thoughts of what it is. I become special as me not special to JH.
Of course I want to be extra special to JH as I feel so strongly. But I am very aware that it is not how it is. I said that I do really appreciate the love and the friendship. That it is good for me to be able to embrace that. Just that sometimes it is difficult as I hurt. I really hope that someday JH will be able to trust and know that I do not judge or blame. JH had said that he wonders about pain - emotional pain. He pondered whether thoughts create trouble? (Only if you let the emotions turn into trouble in my opinion)
In my opinion and understanding through my own changes and training, emotions are usually the result of thoughts evoked through situation, events, interactions with people, places, things - our thoughts generate emotional responses. Of course the thinking could very well be fraught with dysfunction from the past. But gradually as I become more self aware I am able to little by little untangle old lessons and messages and feel the emotions of today related with what is happening now. What I also have to be aware of is how I react to my emotions. Emotions are human and for me I need to acknowledge them. None are right, none are wrong. They are what they are. I need not to suppress or repress them and then have there wherewithal not to simply react on them. of course I do. I have shortcomings. But more and more I am allowing myself to become human and wholesome and thank goodness I therefore have emotional response to life and everything in it.
Its at that point I can think and rationalise and choose my behaviour and attitude, rationalise my emotions with long held beliefs and challenge those beliefs. Then and only then can I choose how I next step - BUT I am still a baby. When I hurt for example I become defensive. I want things to be different. I don't want to hurt anymore. I very much regret that JH felt so "?" I am not sure how he would describe it - but he was affected by my reaction to the feelings evoked my his actions etc etc etc.
Some people may make these assessments and rationalisations all very easily and smoothly. Well I just don;t I need to be aware and am not always. I am perfectly imperfect. I am also aware that I am a sensitive person. I actually am OK with this. It means that I feel strongly and at times can be overwhelmed which isn't so helpful. I just need time to unpick the feelings within the cup that's overflowing.
And I become more aware that who I am and how I am is not for everyone. But all I can be is me and celebrate that. There are many qualities I am pleased to say I have. I never want to forget thought that I have much to work on and much I want to change. Ever growing. I am willing and when I am not hurting so much I welcome the experiences of life's encounters as every moment is an opportunity to develop from.
So yes I hurt! It will pass. It's currently like a trudge up a steep hill. Enduring the drain of energy with each step. I know that it will pass and then I will be able to once again free roll down the other side - wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
- JH said he didn't know what to say. I am not sure to what part, perhaps the hurting. The thing is it's not needed anyway. Things are as they are. I miss our intimacy. I miss being a couple. I miss the idea of a future with him. I get tearful at this loss. I feel upset about some of the things that happened. But I do not blame at all.
I was not making a big deal of the hurting just that I like to hear the love and friendship but at the same time it still rubs the soreness of all that I hoped for between us and is not possible. And that I just need a moment sometimes to compose myself and remember that his love and friendship is that and not what I wanted it to be.
All is perfectly OK.
I wanted to keep a record of the texts today as it really is the changes and calming that I feel with every day. Another step towards the brow of the hill.
I realise it's not perfect - in an ideal world I would be able to do all of this and more in one swoop and not have to go through all the process. At the same time I would miss all the learning and growing of the process. So much can be missed in speed. Even though there is exhilaration in speed.
I truly hope that some day JH will have trust in me when I said I was not running. The staying still though has had to change it's shape as other things have changed around me.
It's all OK. Even the hurting. Brings tears to me and feel the hurt deep in my heart as I write it but it's OK
Bliss
XX
Charabang horsepower huffing and spluttering,
Climbing up the steep hill
Dragging through the grey fog,
And weighted with the heavy atmosphere.
Bursting out of it
Weightless and free
Inhaling crisp morning air after sucking a mint
Wide-eyed awe of the sunrise skies
A pastel palette brushed above the other side of the valley
An angel chorus touching my soul
The taste of pink sugar candy
Candy floss sweetness in the air
This moment savouring beyond time itself.
Maybe someone opened a window in Heaven?
Just before I plunged back into the depths
The thickness
And colourless day
The frost this morning was not pretty, it was sheer. So sheer that there was not a niche or a cranny to be ale to get the ice scraper into to try and scrape my windows. It was dark when I left and foggy. What is lovely is that the sun is rising soon after I am underway. The days are beginning to stretch, gradually. Like a slow awakening stretch in bed. Gradually coming too, uncurling my arms and legs, feeling the stretch of my muscles and the lengthening of my bones until I am as long as I can possibly be.
Anyway driving away from the village I was climbing one of the hills. As I emerged, as if in a slowed moment, above the fog on the top of the hill. There in front of me, a pastel sky.
I gasped the scene in and heard the arousing sound of the sunrise. Horns blowing, angels voices faintly carrying across the breeze. A sound so beautiful it actually is somewhere deep within. It was like a momentary glimpse into heaven. And then I plunged into the fog again.Later during my journey the fog was more like an opaque veil of mist. I wondered how ......?
This evening I was later leaving work. A 1:1 with Tigger. He has no idea what an incredibly caring guy he is.
And then I spoke with the father of a young woman I assessed today. Shortly after she called me herself and due to me getting a deal on prices, she can come into treatment. By gosh she needs help. By gosh is she going to be challenged.
By gosh was her story my own!!! I felt exhausted after the assessment. I felt like I wanted to cry with her.
I am partially surprised and partially relieved that she is coming in. The possible start of a new way forward and 20 years earlier than I did it myself.
I was pleased that as we are not so busy there was a way to negotiate a slightly reduced price and throw in some extra support for a phased departure - she will need it.
It was worth staying late for.
I have been interested by the dynamics at work amongst the team. I get a sense that SH struggles at the moment with me having been handed the baton. I think also there is some degree of unrest for her. I am not sure if all is well.
Oh do you know what? I am so tired of work I can;t be bothered to write it all out now. I have been seeing a lot. It's been very stressful indeed. No clients, few enquiries, pressure knowing that the senior management team are expecting results??? Phew hard work. Certainty once again that I do not want to return to management. What I have managed to get across is that I really would like my appraisal. Although there are supposedly no increases this year for cost of living I would like to propose that there is a recognition for the extra role I take on in PD's absence. I don't do it begrudgingly, in fact I like that I can have a go now and again. But it would be nice to get some financial recognition. After all we are paid a poor salary anyway for the work we do in my opinion.
It was very lovely to know that JH will always love me. Sad too as it seems to me that it fades into a general love of people. That is my thoughts of what it is. I become special as me not special to JH.
Of course I want to be extra special to JH as I feel so strongly. But I am very aware that it is not how it is. I said that I do really appreciate the love and the friendship. That it is good for me to be able to embrace that. Just that sometimes it is difficult as I hurt. I really hope that someday JH will be able to trust and know that I do not judge or blame. JH had said that he wonders about pain - emotional pain. He pondered whether thoughts create trouble? (Only if you let the emotions turn into trouble in my opinion)
In my opinion and understanding through my own changes and training, emotions are usually the result of thoughts evoked through situation, events, interactions with people, places, things - our thoughts generate emotional responses. Of course the thinking could very well be fraught with dysfunction from the past. But gradually as I become more self aware I am able to little by little untangle old lessons and messages and feel the emotions of today related with what is happening now. What I also have to be aware of is how I react to my emotions. Emotions are human and for me I need to acknowledge them. None are right, none are wrong. They are what they are. I need not to suppress or repress them and then have there wherewithal not to simply react on them. of course I do. I have shortcomings. But more and more I am allowing myself to become human and wholesome and thank goodness I therefore have emotional response to life and everything in it.
Its at that point I can think and rationalise and choose my behaviour and attitude, rationalise my emotions with long held beliefs and challenge those beliefs. Then and only then can I choose how I next step - BUT I am still a baby. When I hurt for example I become defensive. I want things to be different. I don't want to hurt anymore. I very much regret that JH felt so "?" I am not sure how he would describe it - but he was affected by my reaction to the feelings evoked my his actions etc etc etc.
Some people may make these assessments and rationalisations all very easily and smoothly. Well I just don;t I need to be aware and am not always. I am perfectly imperfect. I am also aware that I am a sensitive person. I actually am OK with this. It means that I feel strongly and at times can be overwhelmed which isn't so helpful. I just need time to unpick the feelings within the cup that's overflowing.
And I become more aware that who I am and how I am is not for everyone. But all I can be is me and celebrate that. There are many qualities I am pleased to say I have. I never want to forget thought that I have much to work on and much I want to change. Ever growing. I am willing and when I am not hurting so much I welcome the experiences of life's encounters as every moment is an opportunity to develop from.
So yes I hurt! It will pass. It's currently like a trudge up a steep hill. Enduring the drain of energy with each step. I know that it will pass and then I will be able to once again free roll down the other side - wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
- JH said he didn't know what to say. I am not sure to what part, perhaps the hurting. The thing is it's not needed anyway. Things are as they are. I miss our intimacy. I miss being a couple. I miss the idea of a future with him. I get tearful at this loss. I feel upset about some of the things that happened. But I do not blame at all.
I was not making a big deal of the hurting just that I like to hear the love and friendship but at the same time it still rubs the soreness of all that I hoped for between us and is not possible. And that I just need a moment sometimes to compose myself and remember that his love and friendship is that and not what I wanted it to be.
All is perfectly OK.
I wanted to keep a record of the texts today as it really is the changes and calming that I feel with every day. Another step towards the brow of the hill.
I realise it's not perfect - in an ideal world I would be able to do all of this and more in one swoop and not have to go through all the process. At the same time I would miss all the learning and growing of the process. So much can be missed in speed. Even though there is exhilaration in speed.
I truly hope that some day JH will have trust in me when I said I was not running. The staying still though has had to change it's shape as other things have changed around me.
It's all OK. Even the hurting. Brings tears to me and feel the hurt deep in my heart as I write it but it's OK
Bliss
XX
