Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha ha - the rage and anguish for now seems to have subsided. It comes and goes.
I feel I have little to write today. Yesterday was a simple day. Sketching in the morning to music. Will post my efforts on here - why not?
Then despite myself, I went for a walk with AB again. She has been remarkably supportive. There everyday for me. She doesn't work and so can be. She is dependable that way. AM called and she was able to express herself to Iv. That was inspiring. And texts only with ML.
Whilst I am very aware that deep matters have been triggered in me. It's on days like today when I feel a sort of nothingness that I am questioning what is going on.
ML yesterday was saying that I am challenging myself rather than accepting. To some degree I agree that I don't like how I am feeling right now. I think I am being judged by people and that is a sign of not accepting. I am also allowing myself to be how I am at times. I want to understand it of course and if I could just get to the root cause then all could be changed and I would be well. But I am aware of that thinking and that's what I am challenging. I think it's more important to be aware of the thinking and identify those thoughts that are unhelpful. It is not possible to stop the thinking. Where those thoughts come from, well who knows. That's the fascinating thing I was studying of the hard question of consciousness - all those neruons firing and connecting - that's the easy question, we can see the mechanincs and more and more is being understood about the parts of the brain associated with the receiving of information from the external world, but how those electrical charges become conscious thought and memories and ideas etc, well still no one has a clue. So with all the acceptance in the world, I will not know how to stop the thinking before it arrives. What I can do though is be aware, notice my thinking and unhelpful, negative thoughts I can challenge. So here and now, anyone that would judge me harshly is not someone who I would wish to consider a friend. They may be non acceptant of something they do not want to face themselves I suppose, which I can be sympathetic towards or they may never have had to deal with such issues themselves. Or they may have experienced others with depression (and the mania that seems to ride with erupting rage). There are many things I have never had to deal with, for example I do not know what it must be like for my dad wth his kidney transplant. I can listen though and accept how it is for him with real empathy. Some people neither want to empathise nor are able to just hear with judgement.
Well thos people like that that might be involved in my life will have to take a back seat if they are unable to support me. That's cool. I do not need to resent them, I can give them some undertanding. My fear of being judged would create resentment normally. They are entitled to their opinions and I know how close I can let them in. I am grateful to have some knowledge so that I do not have to try and deal with the negative thinking that comes with others judgements.
However, I have incredible friens who can allow me to be just how I am and love me. How fortunate I am.
Mmmm it's nice to put aside the resentment with just a little different thinking.
I can see in a more calm state today how this terror and rage is emerging out of me. It is uncontained when am here alone and I get quite scared. What I am scare of is unclear, it's this uncontained rage, I feel completely vulnerable. What I am afraid will happen is uncertain, it just feels as if I will die. ANd I am aware that's just learnt, there was no one ever to contain my emotions full stop, and certainly not th efelings of violation with my dad. I had to keep it all inside. I remember holding my breath and trying not to move at all. If I could do that then t would all go away.
I still do that now. I find myself trying not to breathe and stay absolutely still to make the stuff go away. And that's just emotions now.
Explaining to AM recently, that I was unable to tell her the sexual actions between JH and I, i.e. the M/s relationship, because I was ashamed, I realised that I had thoughts of that sort of thing when I was very little. I also remember at 7 there was a boy and another girl at school and we layed these kind f dark games. Obvioulsy no sex. But there was mean attitude and Nicola and I were treated meanly. There is pleasure and I am really wanting to understand this. I am still attracted to the idea and find it stimulating. Yet when in rational thought I am quite sad that this is the situation. With GW, whilst I truly was scared and very battered by him in many ways, I completely gave in to him. It was worse physically than anything I have experienced before or since. When working as a lady of the ngiht there were a couple of men who were violent, wnating to hit and make bruises. I was always scared and it was painful. As I write this I feel so so sad for all the things like this that I have allowed to happen to me. Why would I allow it? I am very confused.
All I want is to actually be loved and this is a way to be loved !!!??? And what about the men. I would be interested to learn what drives the desire in them too. It must come from something painful too no?
I need to have more understanding ............... but those people involved will probably always say that it is just a way of living. Last year with JH, it felt right. It wa a way of being with him that was bringing some kind of freedom. I daren't even return to the pages relating to it. When I have just read someone else's Blog I feel myself drawn into it and wanting a Master again. Even to the point where I would ask JH and leanr how to be totally submissive to everything he does. Problem is he wouldn't be honest even then. And as a Master he wouldn't need to be. I would just have to learn how to be good. How sad that that would be enough if I was to receive some kind of love within that. God, it's so so sad. I want to say horrid but actually that is damning of me and condemning again. Stop the angry attitide and instead nurture myself. If this was a little girl I would want to reassure her and say that there is another way to be wholesome. I just need to trust and be patient and learn to love myself instead of getting myself into such situations to be traumatised again.
Stay away. Who on earth can I talk to about all fo this. I know I can speak with SC. Thursday seems a long way away.
I want to be writing about all the beauty and peace that I know is in my soul and I have been so accutely attuned to in past times over this last 10 years.
The meeting last evening was very helpful - people just able to hear. I will call D tomorrow - have put it off. I am thinking of asking her to go through the steps with me but actually I think I would be better off with SLAA steps after this recent crash and burn. On my knees. Not anyone's fault.
I feel sad that lessons might not have been learnt. It was not quite as sincere for others. Different for me. Not their fault. Things must be different from here on. I do not want this re-occurring. It's getting worse each time.
This time I haven't been able to work.
Thankfully there are those that understand how trauma get re-traumatised and it's not all abot woring the programme. I am doing that and have time to invest more into it right now, so I am.
I do feel the need to be with people today. I will arrange to go out earlier. Was going to go to the shops but really don't feel inspired by that.
Not pretty like Egon's and I know it's not good art - for instance the arm is out of proportion but there is a sentiment in it and a desire to be known and heard. Looking out longing.
Copied from a photo JM sent me ... her blossom, white and delicate, pink and pretty
Bliss
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