Monday 31 January 2011

Matters of the Heart

I really feel dreadful that anything about me has evoked any pain in JH.
I love him so very, very much.

He has asked for some patience. I can do that. I hear him when he says he has many things happening in his life right now.
I will not continue to heap more on top.

Universe I am in our hands.

Tonight I felt an enormous emptiness here and in my soul like something swooped away and in it's place a massive feeling of grief has moved in.

Nice, isn't it, Bliss? How you can always see the little girl or little boy in another, if you but look. And then how you can see that the mask they sometimes wear isn't to inspire your fear, but to hide their own.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...
The Universe
 
I see the little boy I think and I certainly feel the little girl and the masks - yes this means a lot.
 
the saddest Bliss
X

Feb2011
With JH I have felt anger. Anger in my hurt and differences between us. These last few days I have felt jealous - which is a form of anger and sadness. I am jealous that JH wants all these friendships with ex-lovers. He loves so many people. I have to keep grounding myself in reality. He and I are not together as lovers. Therefore whatever he does is OK. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, whoever he sees and develops relationships, whether he meets someone new or not, whatever he does is actually none of my business.
The things I like and love about him I still love and like. I would like to nurture that friendship. It is not an issue though. The feelings that arise, I have safe outlets to express them.
Talking with him sometimes when it's so nice and easy re-ignited hope for more with him. Yet the way things are is not what I want.
If I write this and he reads it, I think he will misunderstand this and I will drive him away. The reality is that something about the two of us just wasn't compatible. And here I am again writing the same thing. It's OK to keep writing the same thing as it's a part of the healing.
OK this is all too brief and not complete in its' explanation of myself BUT I need to get outta here - birthday pressie shopping and then off to the theatre.

Oh and it is nice to know that people find me attractive when I feel so unattractive especially with how things have been with JH. Not being wanted is how it feels as an entirety yet I know really that's not at all what it's about.



Sunday 30 January 2011

A million more tiny pieces

I have never ever fekt the way I do. Such love - such pain
I love JH and I want a relationship with him. He cannot tell me what he wants - he says he loves me.
He speaks about the big problem, he speaks about how there should be no hurt and so on.
He is vague and says sorry.

I have no idea what is happening.

I do not know what to do

I .......?

Bliss

After the Wedding - don't read if you don't want the plot spoilt



Rolf Laasgard acted in such a way that he moved as if powerful and very very wealthy. I have seen him in a Dogme film I think. He is very familiar anyway. At times I thought he was almost a cliche of the person he was acting and yet after watching the film I thought he was quite brilliant.
He was so damned rich! I thought he was playing games with people, using his wealth to control and manipulate. At times of course he was and yet all long he was feeling his utmost powerlessness as he faced he reality of his own death. He didn't want to die and yet there he was using his money to make everything OK for those he loved once he was gone. It worked though - at first I didn't like him. I didn't quite trust this power he yielded and his utterly relaxed and fun approach - it didn't seem to fit the powerful billionaire he was. And there was good reason as the plot unfolded. However, it just goes to show how I played into the hands of judgement about the super wealthy actually being wealthy because actually I grew to understand his fear and all that he was prepared to lose for love. I ended up like him enormously. Clever weaving!
I think he played the most powerful part in this film and yet he was not the lead.

Mads Mikklesen played his part well I thought. A history with drink and rugs and he seemed to have a fear of the world. He was a quieter man with principles beyond money. Yet pulled by the possibility of more good with more money and forsaking himself. In the end though he was pulled by love.
The ending with Pramod, Neeral Mulchandani, was a little too convenient for my liking in terms of the happy ever after bit. An 8 year old I think would be much more lead by the heart especially a child from abandonment. Anyway ... I can forgive the film this. There was no more time to deal with the story I guess.
Sidse Babett Knudsen (beautiful) also played her part well - in places I thought. She was not a very wholesome character. It mattered less as the story for more was about than about Rolf or Mads and of course she was a link between them. It was intricately tying stories together from the starting point of poverty versus extreme wealth.
I read about the filming - eye closeups and stills as being very Dogme style. I hadn't appreciated it as that whilst watching. At times I thought it was unnecessary but often it was very poignant and to stand still in a film I think takes great courage and good timing. There weer intense moments created as a result. At other times I think it was over done.
Overall I thought it was a very good film and glad to have encountered too a female Director - Susanne Biers. A really good Danish film with glimpses of Danish life - city and countryside.
Oh the same director who made Open Hearts - a very good Dogme film. I really did like that film a lot!
Will definitely watch Brothers if I can get hold of it.

Love

I am so very sorry that JH hasn't known that despite everything I love him. My heart feels in pieces and hurts like hell. I don't like certain behaviours.
I don't want to lose JH from my heart and I guess I never will. It is not possible to love this deeply and for that ever to go. I want him to want to be with me though.
I hate the idea of losing all the things about him that I just love and like and enjoy. I hate the thought of losing the us that is great. I want us to be able to meet in the middle which means two people wanting to find ways through difficulties and differences I think.
When I write or speak I would hope that anyone reading or hearing me would be wise to know that I do not think I have the answers. I posit my thoughts and ideas in the hope there might be some "rightness" in there somewhere. I open to ideas and learning and different channels being opened to me. Hearing JH I try to look at things in different ways. This is difficult when I am used to a certain way or belief or am protecting myself or see any semblance of a similarity with something from the past.
I would like to be able to be able to share all these things openly and honestly and be heard and have trust that I LOVE. That is solid and without falter. It's finding the path together that is not so solid and it's a fact that maybe somewhere down the line there will be a natural fork in the path. In the first place though we need to choose to set off together and that might mean making some compromises - not to be compromised but to agree and negotiate. If those things are too different then we are just pulling against each other.

And of course there will be some things that are non-negotiable - like yes I can go left rather than right but I need to bring with me the trailer but not on my own, we both need to pull it together and want to - otherwise you will resent me for bringing it and I can't do it all on my own. And the same applies we go left I bring the trailer and there are things that you might want to put on the trailer that we will both pull.

My non-negotiables - monogamy meaning one partner in every sense of the word of intimacy. Also honesty openness (transparency).
Other friendships with love - yes of course. I have that. My heart though is entirely JH's. There may even be times when a friend is in need and with that might need priority and if there is true love and openness and honesty and solid intimacy there is not need for threat or distrust. Trust grows with attitude and behaviours show trustworthiness.
I may not have said how much I love JH and that it does not falter. I have shown it though - I have not left or run. I have wobbled and even been flaky for that I am very sorry. I have learnt how that looks to JH. I have even wanted to run to protect my breaking heart but not because I did not love or want to be with JH. The opposite - a self preservation rather.

I think relationships do require effort. Effort doesn't need to be difficult though.
When I think how easy it was being together with JH for that week when he was snowed in here - just being in each others company was easy - yes we had things to work out between us - but we did and we got on so well.
I feel such strong connections on all sorts of matters with JH. I don't know if they are enough for a lifetime but they are enough to want to start on a journey. I commit to that which means then that I am prepared to negotiate through differences and even difficulties. I don't always do it easily though and I know that. I get angry about things that are actually my non-negotiables like being lied to. What I want is for JH to change that but of course I am not in control of that. He has to want to enough to actually make the changes.
How it looks to me is that he lies because there is something to hide that is not acceptable behaviour. What it looks like to me is that JH cannot be without a woman - it may not be how it is at all. But it does seem difficult for him to be without and so he hides it from me.

I am rambling thoughts out here and a little afraid to because if I do JH thinks this is me thinking solidly and there is no room for me to make mistakes in the same way he thinks I cannot make room for him to make mistakes.
That's why i am afraid to write my thoughts out - it's all single track when it's me and my head alone. I am not afraid to tell you my thoughts just afraid you will think I am saying you are wrong and I am right. These are just thoughts and I am aware I too am full of shortcomings that means my thinking could be skewed and needs a different input.

JH if you are reading this please allow for meanderings and wonderings as well as wanderings. I am not making statements just musing concepts and thoughts. Everything can be discussed if there is a desire to be open minded on both parts. I am sorry if sometimes I sound self righteous - in my heart I know I know very little indeed.

I am not making judgements in anything I say. JH is not wrong nor right - he is right for himself.
I know I am not right or wrong - I have certain things that seem to be more right for me than not at this time. Things shift all the time but there needs to be some firm ground to be able to feel at least some security.

Sure to have more thoughts and ideas.

What I know is that at this moment in my life I love JH. I would like that we could find a way together to go forward - there are some things that cannot be different right now and I realise this. There are some things that could be agreed upon and a pathway forged together.

If there is too much doubt in JH's mind then he needs to make that decisions. I realise that it is for me too difficult to try and be friends when the contact between us has been more than friends.
It does raise the question in m as to how JH communicates with other ex lovers when he is trying to move it into friendship - and this is where monogamy starts to come into play - if there is any confusion within the communication that is not OK by me. If there is a desire to be friends then there needs to be enough time to pass to be able to be truly friends and no mixed messages. It's not just about saying it because JH and I said we would be just friends but the way in which he communicated with me and I allowed it too was more than just as friends would talk.
So I whole-heartedly would support any friendships but not where there are mixed messages. And as JH has lied in the past to me it just needs to real solid action on his part - a desire to show me - yes mistakes can happen but mistakes are mistakes and to be learnt from and changed - sometimes it seems as if the word can be used as an excuse to continue - desire to change takes strong commitment. I hasten to add the same applies to me - I hate how my anger becomes a long vent - I want to be able to say I feel angry and would prefer a different way of behaviour and how can we get to that? Instead I rant and rave and it worsens as I think JH is not taking responsibility for the lies. He says today that lying is not OK for him either so it's not as if he and I differ on this basic principle.
JH knows what it is like to feel angry - it's when someone crosses and boundary and disappoints - it doesn't mean that hatred sets in or love is gone - he feels angry with DJ and at the time might not like him but he always loves him and they find a way through. He said today I have every right to feel angry - I need his help here too. I need him to trust that I vent rant and rave that I too agree that it's not OK - I don;t know what else to do at the moment because I feel so hurt every time he has lied to me. It's like a betrayal even though JH says that not what it actually is. And if with truth we discover we are too different - well then at least we discover for real.
I wonder what he would feel if I was talking to a man and keeping it from him. Or if suddenly I spent some time with SH again and suddenly felt confused - would he feel safe within our relationship?
He had feelings about a comment  made on RW's Blog - I had not intended to give a mixed message but could see that it was not healthy and respected JH too much to even wish to continue ... I apologised to him and respected his feelings. JH is so important to me that I listen. It helped me too to learn what is a mixed message when I had no intention of giving that across. Yes I learnt and appreciate that.

Another thought - I really don;t like that with all the other big emotional things going on in JH's life - work, separation and perhaps divorce from his wife, working out how to build his relationship with his children with these changes and all the personal emotional turmoil and mental development required for these tings - I really hate that there is US in difficulty too.
What I would like and know I can be is to be supportive amidst all of this. And I would love for JH to be able to support me with my daily struggles too. And yet we spend time in difficulty between us.
I am very sensitive to his struggles. I hear him and pain for him and want to be able to hold those emotions he feels.

I am so so so sorry that JH does not see or feel the love I have for him.
I hold the moment -
Standing at a painting together and feeling him - his  very presence enough.
I feel his arms holding me
I feel our intimacy in sex.
I have no eyes or feelings for any other man, only for JH.
I am prepared to grow and change with him.
Even amidst the struggles between us and around us.
I LOVE him.
I hurt
My heart is shattering as he tells me he feels no love from me.
He says I withdraw
Yet I am invested in standing still
for him.
It pains me deeply that he does not see this
He cannot feel it
I do not know how to show him
I want with all my heart that he might know.
I will always love JH, always.

Aching,
Bliss
x

Eroticart2 from someone else's cabinet of curiosities



 Helmutt Newton


















Helmutt Newton











Photo of Helmutt Newton

















Édouard-Henri Avril.

File:Édouard-Henri Avril (15).jpg



Anything to postpone hoovering and then head in study books

Bliss
X

Erotic art Robert Mapplethorpe













Robert Mapplethorpe, Orchid and Hand, 1983









artwork: Robert Mapplethorpe's celebrated series Lady Lisa Lyon. Between 1980 and 1982


























Friday 28 January 2011

Jupiter and the uniqueness of a tree

I have been noticing the bright star in the sky again and checked it out - it's Jupiter still. I thought I had read that it had passed by but it's still ehre so so bright. Apparently very close by is Uranus but I don't think it is too clear.


And to the left is the costellation Cetus - I can see the star Mira
Cetus

Apparently Saturn will be high in the sky until just beofre dawn. I will look out for it as it is possible to see it with the naked eye as a yellowish star but not as bright a Vebus which will be partially viewable. Satrun apparently will be around until September and appearing earlier and earlier in the night sky.

For some reason these planets and the stars capture my senses. I can feel something stir deep inside me. Just as a tree seems to tap into my soul.

Did you know that here, Bliss, in the unseen and in worlds far removed from your own, trees actually have personalities as strong and distinct as your own?

True... it's the same where you are, but no one would ever believe it.
Timber...
The Universe
 
 
I watched the 3rd in the series the Human Planet. This time looking at living on ice - Greenland and northern most parts of Norway. Fascinating, dangerous, my experiences of life are so limited. I feel the connection often with the inhabitants of this planet as well as teh sound of the Universe.
I thank the BBC for such an incredible ability to bring planet Earth to me. macro, macro, midi, mega
http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/humanplanetexplorer/


Fishing


Dry season


Human Planet
Copyright Timothy Allen / BBC


Wednesday 26 January 2011

Artists introduced to me in various ways and forms

Cindy Sherman



Tate Britain 2 - art from 1500

In this stage of my writing I have used my notes to actually research a little more and expand upon the notes - mostly I have deleted my notes but occasionally I have included them. Always pleased to learn more. I have a real hunger for learning and knowledge and experiences.


Sir Joshua Reynolds Sir Joshua Reynolds Suzanna Beckford 1756

Suzanna Beckford 1756
What was disappointing about this is that Reynolds apparently painted the face and assistants would paint the rest.
I found them quite lifeless actually. I am sure that would be considered ignorant - but I have since read that he believed in making the imperfect perfect so somehow that figures as to why Suzanna looks lifeless. Actually her opulent attire was apparently painted by Peter Toms who according to our guide would probably have received 15 guineas from the commission fee paid to Reynolds of 45 guineas, Naughty of me to say no doubt i the world of art but I think Toms deserved more. The dress does have more life though ....
"lavish sacque dress (à la Francaise), of turquoise blue and silver watered silk, with matching silk trimmings on the bodice"
Our guide also pointed out the earrings which were called snaps known today as clip-ons. This seems so early for such a thing. Nothing is new today!!!

Thomas Gainsborough  on the other hand apparently painted the entire painting. I read that he and Reynolds would have been competitors for portrait business. I would go for Gainsborough of the two!!!
He was also a landscape artist. It was possible to see how the style in the painting was all the same as opposed to Reynolds - well I think so anyway. I am not sure I would have spotted it unless it was said and now maybe I am just being influenced.  No actually looking again it is possible to see the Gainsborough style. Once again to be perfectly honest its interesting but it doesn't spark a huge interest - well not tonight as I write anyway. Am I an artiste heathen for saying this? So uneducated
Thomas Gainsborough Lady Bate-Dudley circa 1787
Lady Bate-Dudley 1787

I can see though the light, loose and  natural style of his painting as opposed to the porcelain and unreal effect of Reynolds.
Exploring a little further I tend to prefer his landscape sketches - I guess being a portrait painter for the aristocracy was the bread and butter.Thomas Gainsborough from English Scenery, [title not known] 1819
1819

It did interest me how someone like Hogarth and Highmore were 1600 - 1700 and painting more everyday situations in a way. Who were the portrait painters of those days - Was it fashionable? Surely it was.

I made a note about classical references and have no idea what this was in connection with - just having a read of Reynolds and Gainsborough to see if was actually in relation to their portraits - there was a reference to the classical attire and of course the opulence indicating the statues and wealth of the sitter.

However the note may have been in connection with Joseph Wright and the classical references in his paintings . "Joseph Wright of Derby Sir Brooke Boothby 1781He is shown here reclining by a stream, holding a book with ‘Rousseau’ on its spine. This is a reference to Boothby’s pride in having published the Swiss philosopher’s autobiographical Dialogues"
                                                                                                                        Sir Brooke Boothby 1781


I had already started appreciating the relevance of positions within the panting and specific item as a means to make statements or indicate more about the subject of the portrait.
Again though this painting does not fill me with inspiration. But I also wonder if the guide brought it enough to life for me in contrast to the guide at the National Gallery. Rather than focusing on the sitter the guide there told the story of the painting and linked it with the social situations at the time. Then she also spoke about techniques and other movements at the time in the world of art.

Now the pre-Raphaelites was interesting. This movement to supposedly be more natural in the story telling. It brought to mind the Dogme 95 gang who were also considered avant-garde, pushing boundaries of the time.
I chuckle though at the little ways in which they break their own rules -both pre-Raphaelites and Dogme95 ers.
Pre rapaelites total realism -true to nature (my note)




Now I like this statement - at times I hear JH refer to freedom and flow and wonder how boundaries and responsibility sit with him within that???
"Influenced by Romanticism, they thought that freedom and responsibility were inseparable"
"


Ophelia 1851/2

This scene does not actually occur in Hamlet but is described by Queen Gertrude. It is quite an exquisite painting in my opinion. The dress the colours, the beauty of Ophelia.
Our guide pointed out though that there are blooms that could not be blossoming together so would not be true to the requirements of Millais' and his associates to reject what I suppose would be considered poetic licence. But I thought again about this and as he would have been painting it across a year then seasons and blossoms would have been altering. So he was licensed in a way to incorporate all he saw at this spot on the river.
Now the guide pointed out the use of symbolism in the painting - this is not large enough for me to see the wood in the undergrowth that resembles or suggests a skull which is assumed to signify grave and of course death. The robin and the violets around her neck are linked with loyalty.
One comment the guide made was that if it was truly to reality then there would be different focuses as the eye sees .....?? Good point.
I am very confused about the origins of the use of symbolism in the visual arts. My thoughts were that this is very much linked and attributed to the Dutch Interiors .... but need some more knowledgeable soul to educate me more around this.
Oh our guide then went on to talk about the model for the painting Elizabeth Siddall who apparently was very popular with the pre-Raphaelite brethren - originally consisting  of  William Holman Hunt, John Everett Millais and Dante Gabriel Rossetti.
Elizabeth and Dante became lovers and he painted her almost exclusively at one stage.

Victorian paintings told stories and used symbolism to reveal the story
pre Raphaelites (1848) period before Impressionism
Away from commissioned portraits now
Galleries sell/hiring models

Now I think the relevance of the poem that follows is tat during the Victorian era, people were becoming aware of how "others" lived and this appeared in various art forms. I think the essence this poem was utilised within many pre-Raphaelite paintings (other artists being influenced by the movement)

Poem Thomas Hood
The Song of the Shirt

With fingers weary and worn,
With eyelids heavy and red,
A woman sat, in unwomanly rags,
Plying her needle and thread--
Stitch! stitch! stitch!
In poverty, hunger, and dirt,

And still with a voice of dolorous pitch
She sang the "Song of the Shirt."
"Work! work! work!
While the cock is crowing aloof!
And work — work — work,
Till the stars shine through the roof!
It's Oh! to be a slave
Along with the barbarous Turk,
Where woman has never a soul to save,
If this is Christian work!

"Work — work — work
Till the brain begins to swim;
Work — work — work
Till the eyes are heavy and dim!
Seam, and gusset, and band,

Band, and gusset, and seam,
Till over the buttons I fall asleep,
And sew them on in a dream!

"Oh, Men, with Sisters dear!
Oh, Men, with Mothers and Wives!
It is not linen you're wearing out,
But human creatures' lives!

Stitch — stitch — stitch,
In poverty, hunger, and dirt,
Sewing at once with a double thread,
A Shroud as well as a Shirt.

But why do I talk of Death?
That Phantom of grisly bone,
I hardly fear its terrible shape,
It seems so like my own —
It seems so like my own,
Because of the fasts I keep;
Oh, God! that bread should be so dear,
And flesh and blood so cheap!

"Work — work — work!
My Labour never flags;
And what are its wages? A bed of straw,
A crust of bread — and rags.
That shatter'd roof — and this naked floor —
A table — a broken chair —
And a wall so blank, my shadow I thank
For sometimes falling there!

"Work — work — work!
From weary chime to chime,
Work — work — work!
As prisoners work for crime!
Band, and gusset, and seam,
Seam, and gusset, and band,
Till the heart is sick, and the brain benumb'd,
As well as the weary hand.

"Work — work — work,
In the dull December light,
And work — work — work,
When the weather is warm and bright —
While underneath the eaves
The brooding swallows cling
As if to show me their sunny backs
And twit me with the spring.

Oh! but to breathe the breath
Of the cowslip and primrose sweet —
With the sky above my head,
And the grass beneath my feet
For only one short hour
To feel as I used to feel,
Before I knew the woes of want
And the walk that costs a meal!

Oh! but for one short hour!
A respite however brief!
No blessed leisure for Love or Hope,
But only time for Grief!

A little weeping would ease my heart,
But in their briny bed
My tears must stop, for every drop
Hinders needle and thread!"

With fingers weary and worn,
With eyelids heavy and red,
A woman sat in unwomanly rags,
Plying her needle and thread —
Stitch! stitch! stitch!
In poverty, hunger, and dirt,
And still with a voice of dolorous pitch, —
Would that its tone could reach the Rich! —
She sang this "Song of the Shirt!"


John Roddam Spencer Stanhope John Roddam Spencer Stanhope Thoughts of the Past exhibited 1859
Apparently his studio was beneath Rosetti's
I like this painting - the guide referred to another painting and in the theme of story telling she showed the kept woman and she suggested that as these women were disregarded by their master they quite often ended up as prostitutes in rooms by the ship yard in London - which is where Rosetti and Stanhope had their studios.
In relation to the poem this painitng depicts a torn curtain and dying flowers. The glove and the cane might suggest that the "gentleman" is still there - as with the coins tossed loosely onto the table.
I suppose it is the story that grabs my attention. She looks so very very sad - or even dead in the eyes!


Cast aside like an old glove
Glove on floor
Ripped curtain broken furniture
Coins tossed on table
Unnurtured dying plants
Bridge over the Thames - signifying suicide

More to come but oncce again so so tired

Artful Bliss
X

Tuesday 25 January 2011

Rustic Chairs
















JH called.
Excited, Love. Sadness. Longing. Questioning. Hopeful. Scared.

Delighted he says he feels wonderful.
Please DJ is OK.

Bliss
X

Check this out! Stephen Wiltshire

Monday 24 January 2011

Gathering of fertility and flirtation - Guerewol



Beauty is the mother of lust, and lust, according to Plato, is “the fiercest and most despotic” of all urges, driving men “most powerfully to all kinds of lunacy”. The power of beauty to disturb is universally acknowledged, and as a consequence many cultures have evolved philosophies to reduce its influence, usually by depicting it as decorative and thereby intrinsically worthless. In certain societies, however, beauty is accepted as something wonderful in itself and is celebrated accordingly.

The Guérewol (Guerewol, Gerewol) is an annual courtship ritual competition among the Wodaabe Fula people of Niger. Young men dressed in elaborate ornamentation and made up in traditional face painting gather in lines to dance and sing, vying for the attentions of marriageable young women. The Guérewol occurs each year as the traditionally nomadic Wodaabe cattle herders gather at the southern edge of the Sahara before dispersing south on their dry season pastures. The most famous gathering point is In-Gall in northwest Niger, where a large festival, market and series of clan meetings take place for both the Wodaabe and the pastoral Tuareg people. The actual dance event is called the Yaake, while other less famous elements -- bartering over dowry, competitions or camel races among suitors -- make up the week long Guérewol.The Guérewol is found wherever Wodaabe gather: from Niamey, to other places the Wodaabe travel in their transhumance cycle, as far afield as northern Cameroon and Nigeria


Annual gathering At the end of the rainy season in September, the Wodaabe travel to In-Gall to gather salt and participate at the Cure Salée festival, a meeting of several nomadic groups. Here the young Wodaabe men, with elaborate make-up, feathers and other adornments, perform dances and songs to impress women. The male beauty ideal of the Wodaabe stresses tallness, white eyes and teeth; the men will often roll their eyes and show their teeth to emphasize these characteristics. The Wodaabe clans will then join for their week-long Guérewol celebration, a contest where the young men's beauty is judged by young women.
Music and dance The music and line dancing is typical of Fula traditions which have largely disappeared among the vast diaspora of Fula people, many of whom are educated, Muslim, urbanites. This is characterized by group singing, accompanied by clapping, stomping and bells. The Wodaabe Guérewol festival is one of the more famous examples of this style of repeating, hypnotic, and percussive choral traditions, accompanied by a swaying line dancing, where the men interlink arms and rise and fall on their toes. The Guérewol competitions involve the ornamented young men dancing the Yaake in a line, facing a young marriageable woman, sometimes repeatedly over a seven day period, and for hours on end in the desert sun. Suitors come to the encampment of the woman to prove their interest, stamina, and attractiveness. The participants often drink a fermented bark concoction to enable them to dance for long periods, which reputedly has a hallucinogenic effect.



I wonder how I missed this when I was in Niger. No one mentioned it - mind you I think I was there in October.
This festival of infidelity was most interesting a concept. It's like a controlled and acceptable event of sex with another woman or man. I wonder how the partners are actually affected emotionally about this.
I also wonder how this has evolved. There is so much infidelity int he world - is it simply pure temptation and a growing loss of fidelity and investment in something else? Or is it something evolutionary? Is this festival a way to control the urges?
I wonder how the marriages are affected though. Is it a way to find out how strong the love is between the two people? Is there any residue of jealousy.
In the documentary The  Human Planet, the wife of the entrant spoke as if there was a fear and jealousy but was also interested n sex with another man.
Well this has raised a lot of questions - I wonder what psychological research has been done into fidelity and infidelity.
I would like to explore it further but right now I have so little time.
I might email the prof from the lectures late last year.

Interested Bliss


I was in Niger as a guest of UTA. They invited me in relation to a business client whose travel was managed by the office I ran in Aylesbury. For the life of me I cannot remember the name of the company. hey were in the line of industrial diamonds and were mining in Guinea, West Africa.
It still comes to my mind on the occasion we received a call requiring our urgent assistance. A family, the man (husband and father) being the Bridge (whatever the rest of the name of the company was ) employee, had gone for picnic by the river. hey had taken one of their sons friends with them. Apparently the two boys were playing by the river in the family land rover. The Niger River, the same river I was later on when visiting with UTA.
Anyway the boys must have slipped the handbrake off and they rolled into the river. The man jumped into the fast moving a very muddy river. They all disappeared and their bodies were never recovered. It sickened me for such a long time and thinking of my trip to Niger reminded of those business travel days and then the association and then the horror of this situation. We were involved in organising the fights home for the man's wife and child. What a haunting event that was for me. I wonder how that woman ever recovered and the parents of the friend too. God! Why?
So I was a guest amongst a small number of other guests. The only person I recall from the UK contingency was the UTA rep. I do remember being very anorexic at that time.



Oh that reminds me of me buying a very small sized business suit ( I was the manager of the office - and incidentally I am proud of the fact that I was at that time the youngest ever manager employed). Anyhow I bought this little grey suit - mini skirt. I wore it for the first time. Getting into the car seemed really difficult as the skirt was so tight. Anyway I parked my car and sort of tottered in this skirt and high heels - to get down the curb to cross the road I had to sort of take a little side ways leap, legs together as I could barely move my legs in this skirt. I took the lift up to the office and my Assistant Manager MB just burst into fits of laughter, she roared at me, trying to tell me that I had not taken the stitch out of the slit at the back. Such relief to be able to stride again!!!!

Anyway Niger. What a trip. The UTA rep spent most of the time stalking me. I slammed the room door in his face on more than one occasion. For some peculiar reason as the only person with any semblance of the French language, the main language apart from the West African dialects was the main way of communicating. So I became the translator for the trip.
So many weird and wonderful experiences.
A trip by canal on across the Niger River to a river island for lunch - crocodiles were in the river at the same time we were in this flimsy canoe - 8 of us and it was so flipping low in the water. I threatened them all not to move!!


3 star luxury hotel supposedly - The Sofitel, Niamey. Mmm well what can one expect in West Africa. I remember the cockroaches running across the bar. But hey the solution - get drunk!


We were accompanied by a couple of guys - West African and taken to various places. Those I remember:
A fantastic French restaurant where the owner chef was also an amazing photographer. He had a continuous film show whilst we dined of his photographs in the dessert. I then had a longing to experience what I had seen in his photos.
Oh my gosh I have found the details - Tabakady (E): French cuisine. Phone: 20-73 58 18. Reservations required. Opens for dinner at 19:30h. A very pleasant restaurant, decorated with photos of the Sahara Desert and the Tuareg. If you ask in advance, the owner will show a slide presentation. The food is excellent. Off of the Place de la Republique, on Avenue de President Karl Carsten.




A nightclub - oh man! Hands on my bum, up my leg, on my breasts and it was impossible to see where they were coming from. Lots of French men in there and black girls. Shit it was awful. Unknown at that time of my life but I sat down and just wanted to get out of there. Every so often they turned out the lights and man people were just disgusting and completely disrespectful. I remember in hindsight laughing as if it was all fun but actually I felt horrid there. We had been walked there - of course no street lighting etc. And were instructed to wait until our guide came to collect us.
The safari - another incredible experience. By this time I was very friendly with the guide. I can't remember his name now. I wish I had kept all the photos but like every step of my life I just discarded all memories and kept running until recent years - anyway stick to the story .....
We were taken by Land rover - with very dodgy suspension and no air con - a four hour drive if not longer to the north eastern tip of Niger. One helluva journey - I was upfront with the guide and trying to understand his French to translate to my co-travellers, every so often stopping to tell the others in the following land rover. We travelled for hours and it was flipping uncomfortable.
There we were accommodated in huts. I was shown to my hut - a scorpion in the shower unit and a bed full of creatures and a rug on the hut wall that was moving, I didn't dare peek. Needless to say I decided not to sleep that night.
We learnt that electricity was available for an hour in the evening - so we sat in the al fresco bar drinking under candlelight all night. I was teaching drinking games and we all got very very pissed.
The next day we were taking for a walk in to the jungle area- it's odd because I was confident it was the very northeastern area- in the shape of a W - but looking now it doesn't make any sense. I should have written all my experiences as I went along but I was far too much up my arse.
The safari guide was splendid in his costume. I did notice that he carried nothing more than a stick - a very long one by just a stick??? He spoke no French or English so it was all sign language from here on - and grunts. Somehow I was nominated translator nonetheless. I remember smiling a lot at him.


He started whispering frantically at us. I saw nothing but he stopped me/us from taking another step as we watched a snake, apparently a black mamba we later found out, slither across the path in front of us.

I don't actually recall any more of that walk after that which I have only just realised. I can't remember continuing or getting back to the huts. How odd!
I do recall the experience of him stopping the next step.
Leaving the hut base I remember two of the waiters, well I think they did everything actually, giving me there addresses asking me to write to them. I wish I could say I did. I promised to send them the photo I had taken of them. I never ever did. Poo!
Well here are the details - the safari W was southwest (3 Hours) of Niamey ot north east at all!!

W National Park is a massive park named after the 'W' shape of the Niger River in it and is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Simmilar to the large game parks of eastern Africa except that the landscape is less open and more shrub-filled and forest-like and there is less of a presence of large herbivores than E.Africa. Three hours south of Niamey, it could easily be organized as a day-long trip, but to fully enjoy the park, an overnight stay is recommended. The conservation project ECOPAS is working to improve the park's infrastructure, protect its inhabitants, and attract tourists. ECOPAS's Niamey headquarters can be consulted for tourism info (tel. 72 53 48); they also sell printed books/guides for/about the park.






On the way back I asked our guide if he could take me to the desert to see some dunes and to meet some Tauregs. He was so congenial. He did. Well he did the next day. He picked up up early and off we went in these rickety old Land rovers of which he was so so proud. We had tea with a Tuareg family. I can;t remember the content of the conversation but I remember learning how they travelled such long distances. There were little children and goats and cloth to sleep under and shield from the breeze and the heat. And that was it. Probably if I remember anywhere near accurately a small family of maybe 10/12 people. I had a great photograph (I paid a lot for it in their money) of the head of the family. I have a vague recollection of the colours and smile - simple happy lives. I am sure struggles beyond anything I could comprehend even now.

After this our guide said he would like to take me to his village. It was fascinating - all mud huts. I watched girls making bowls - mud bowls. This was not a tourist village at all. Then he took me to meet his mother and his wife. At this point I did not quite understand him. The others were nearby walking about the village. It dawned on me he was suggesting he and I marry and that my dowry to him should be a car. Ha ha ha!
I remember the situation but I cannot recall what I said or did next. Needless to say I declined. He showed me the hut he was preparing for his 2nd wife. He was pretty affluent there as he owned these two vehicles and ran the tour business. Nevertheless I declined.

Just flash memories exist of us being invited to dinner with the General Manager and he invited 2 local girls along to dance and sing for us. I had little to eat as it was mainly meat and all I was prepared to eat was fish. They kept serving this great big ugly fish from the Niger. It tasted as vile as it looked. Nile Perch I think it was:




Oh and I recall being taken to the market in Niamey - phew the meat area - grat big bulls head lying ther ein blood covered in flies - yuch. We walked around and saw many fascinating but not so plentiful foods







On one of the road trips - I can't remember where we were going - I stopped and bout a leather covered box from a boy on the side of the road. He was sitting there making them. Unfortunately I was made to get rid of the box after I was in treatment as I used it to store my cocaine paraphenalia. I really regret doing that. It was kind of special as the boyb was so so lovely. I think we went to another village that day and I remember all the kids running and clinging on. At one point i was completely surrounded and could not get to the others (also surrounded) and I felt quite scared but then I realised that they were just happy happy happy. Laighing and chatting. I really do remember the happiness despite of course their lacking in comforts.
Oh and I remember the boy at the market who walked on all fours and being old about how at birth parents break their kids bones so that they are deforemd and can beg. I saw deep sadness in his eyes - remembering him I remember thinking I will never forget his look an d never ever complain about any ailments I have again.
Oh my how I have moaned about my ailments recently!!!! Short lived memory .
Memories from Bliss
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