1960 advert for Aquascutum
Beautifully PirelliBliss
XX
Thursday 23 June 2011
Virtuous moments
My cousin is so ill. I don't know the finer details but I do know it's Cancer. And it's unusual. No treatment so far has had the slightest effect. She is 41 years old and has 3 daughters, the eldest in her teens the youngest is 10. The youngest was born just before my mum died. This all stinks and I don't get it. I know, I know, mine is not to reason why. It is how it is. Yet it's very tragic and confusing too. I can detach and not feel a thing. I can write this in a very detached manner. But someone told me today to keep things ion perspective and that things like this and worse are happening all over the world and every minute of the day! So flipping what!! I have feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, sorrow, disbelief even. I cannot fathom the depth of the pain as I observe my auntie, her mum. I cannot fathom the confusion and despair of her husband and her beautiful daughters. Her desire to live and yet I think I detect a resignation as they move into ever more desperate measures because nothing is working. I read of her sleepless nights and the loneliness of lying there awake, just thoughts going around and around. I despair for her.
I cannot quite connect with it as I am writing. I feel angry. That is so much the easier emotion to engage with. Anger can sort of be empowering when I feel so powerless.
None of it makes sense. God? Universe?
It seems so wrong when I spend hours and hours wishing I had the courage to end it all as I look about and cannot understand what it is all about. And how confused I get when I have moments of passion engaging with with life. Just like this evening on the way home. I dropped into the preview of an auction that starts tomorrow. So many "THINGS". The THING that grabbed me the most was some illustrated letters. Beautiful illustrations, pen and ink and some little water colours. They are exquisite. Deliciously delightful. Just ooh scrumptious! I wanted them there and then. And then I wonder what do I want them for? To put in a frame and hang on my wall? Just to have? What is it? And then I am home again wondering what any of it is about.
Why not take me instead of her? It makes no sense at all.
Stuff. What's it all about? Owning stuff I mean. Having things. I loved seeing all the Egon Schiele's in the same room and wanted them in that instant. Well I bought myself the book to have something. But what is this thing we humans seem to have of possessing and acquiring and having. It's stuff. ANd then it's of no value to the dead person. It's an odd phenomenon. I want things and then I need to put it all away as I move onto the next load of stuff. Then put that all away. I have never had one hobby or one interest or one one one. So there's loads of STUFF to have and hold. How liberating to have to hold and then to let go. No new STUFF without passing on the old STUFF! Or just let it exist and glory in the opportunity to have seen and even touched as in the letters mentioned above. Lucky, lucky me!n
My medication has arrived apparently at the doctors surgery. Lamotrigine.
I have read about it. It still freaks me slightly - sometimes more sometimes less when I read about bi-polar and see me staring out me from the pages. I recognise things from way way back. I don't know what this all means or if it's real or what???? I am just confused generally.
If there were someone who could love me and help support me and be there. Just be there. Truly loving. Unconditionally. And someone I could give my passion to. I don't feel lonely right now. Oh no no no not at all. I feel sad that I have all this passion and it just fizzles into thin air. It lives in virtues and floats on moments. Not wasted, yet fleeting, transient and then fades to nothingness and dies.
Oh SLAA - inappropriate thoughts - "I wonder if there is anyone here who is healthy enough to have a relationship with?" (After hearing someone sharing that they are needy within relationships) "well a needy person would at least mean they want to be with me" Then I remembered how easily a needy person would be tempted elsewhere by the slightest attention. So inappropriate. Oh and also "I just want someone to look after me" at which point I noticed how childish I was feeling and probably acting too. It's very sad really and confusing. I refuse to beat myself up anymore. Clearly this is all thinking and behaviour to work on whilst acknowledging how vulnerable I am and that I need to take care of my needs - then I hug myself as clearly I just need some understanding and love. Friends can offer that in brief interludes. My dad can't and previous partners, lovers etc have not been able to either. I can do this for myself.
Cats are screeching outside!
You know, Bliss, here in the unseen, where everything is always spotlessly clean, all gadgets work, dust never settles, and everyone's fit as a fiddle, we often miss the deep sense of satisfaction that you feel for a job well done, breaking a sweat, busting a move or otherwise living such blessed physical lives in such a magically spiritual world.
Truly, magic on its own, without even a smidge of suspense, bores.
You should see how fit I am,
The Universe
I guess this tells me that I would be so bored if there weren't ups and downs, drama and tribulations.
I know I would be. I know I have been. I end up moving on so quickly. No one so far has been able to maintain the variety that sustains me. Is this bi-polar related too? And the dramas drive adrenalin.
Mmmmm I know it I realise. Just want someone to love me anyway.
Oh well. Sketching now then bed. I will be glad when this week is over at work
Oh my latest idea - buying and selling. Inspired by SH. Fascinating.
Bliss
XX
I cannot quite connect with it as I am writing. I feel angry. That is so much the easier emotion to engage with. Anger can sort of be empowering when I feel so powerless.
None of it makes sense. God? Universe?
It seems so wrong when I spend hours and hours wishing I had the courage to end it all as I look about and cannot understand what it is all about. And how confused I get when I have moments of passion engaging with with life. Just like this evening on the way home. I dropped into the preview of an auction that starts tomorrow. So many "THINGS". The THING that grabbed me the most was some illustrated letters. Beautiful illustrations, pen and ink and some little water colours. They are exquisite. Deliciously delightful. Just ooh scrumptious! I wanted them there and then. And then I wonder what do I want them for? To put in a frame and hang on my wall? Just to have? What is it? And then I am home again wondering what any of it is about.
Why not take me instead of her? It makes no sense at all.
Illustrated letters to 'PP' from Alastair Makintosh with well drawn images of nude and semi clad ladies
Stuff. What's it all about? Owning stuff I mean. Having things. I loved seeing all the Egon Schiele's in the same room and wanted them in that instant. Well I bought myself the book to have something. But what is this thing we humans seem to have of possessing and acquiring and having. It's stuff. ANd then it's of no value to the dead person. It's an odd phenomenon. I want things and then I need to put it all away as I move onto the next load of stuff. Then put that all away. I have never had one hobby or one interest or one one one. So there's loads of STUFF to have and hold. How liberating to have to hold and then to let go. No new STUFF without passing on the old STUFF! Or just let it exist and glory in the opportunity to have seen and even touched as in the letters mentioned above. Lucky, lucky me!n
My medication has arrived apparently at the doctors surgery. Lamotrigine.
I have read about it. It still freaks me slightly - sometimes more sometimes less when I read about bi-polar and see me staring out me from the pages. I recognise things from way way back. I don't know what this all means or if it's real or what???? I am just confused generally.
If there were someone who could love me and help support me and be there. Just be there. Truly loving. Unconditionally. And someone I could give my passion to. I don't feel lonely right now. Oh no no no not at all. I feel sad that I have all this passion and it just fizzles into thin air. It lives in virtues and floats on moments. Not wasted, yet fleeting, transient and then fades to nothingness and dies.
Oh SLAA - inappropriate thoughts - "I wonder if there is anyone here who is healthy enough to have a relationship with?" (After hearing someone sharing that they are needy within relationships) "well a needy person would at least mean they want to be with me" Then I remembered how easily a needy person would be tempted elsewhere by the slightest attention. So inappropriate. Oh and also "I just want someone to look after me" at which point I noticed how childish I was feeling and probably acting too. It's very sad really and confusing. I refuse to beat myself up anymore. Clearly this is all thinking and behaviour to work on whilst acknowledging how vulnerable I am and that I need to take care of my needs - then I hug myself as clearly I just need some understanding and love. Friends can offer that in brief interludes. My dad can't and previous partners, lovers etc have not been able to either. I can do this for myself.
Cats are screeching outside!
You know, Bliss, here in the unseen, where everything is always spotlessly clean, all gadgets work, dust never settles, and everyone's fit as a fiddle, we often miss the deep sense of satisfaction that you feel for a job well done, breaking a sweat, busting a move or otherwise living such blessed physical lives in such a magically spiritual world.
Truly, magic on its own, without even a smidge of suspense, bores.
You should see how fit I am,
The Universe
I guess this tells me that I would be so bored if there weren't ups and downs, drama and tribulations.
I know I would be. I know I have been. I end up moving on so quickly. No one so far has been able to maintain the variety that sustains me. Is this bi-polar related too? And the dramas drive adrenalin.
Mmmmm I know it I realise. Just want someone to love me anyway.
Oh well. Sketching now then bed. I will be glad when this week is over at work
Oh my latest idea - buying and selling. Inspired by SH. Fascinating.
Bliss
XX
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