It is such a long time since I have been bothered to write on this blog thing. It seemed such a good idea at the time - a way to stay focused when agonising and brain tripping as I attempted to write assignments. This year I have been less focused on my studying. That disappoints me but it is simply the way it is. Working full time and taking into consideration the ridiculously long winding but still beautiful journey to and from work, it is not surprising I am less than enthusiastic to then open my books. Plus I have realised that my motivation is low as I am less inspired by this topic. It sounds arrogant and do not feel good about this, but it seems all too obvious. So my learning is really about evidence to support theories. Last year was far more enlightening. It should be no surprise to me as this very perspective which was touched on briefly was also the part of last years course that least interested me.
And YES I KNOW it is within me to delve in and draw out the inspiration and interest within me. Grrrr don;t you just hate when someone is wise to these things and throws them back!!! He he he.
So today I should really be preparing to leave for Warwick Uni. By applying myself in this way I an hoping and very positively not just a token gesture, that I will reignite my interest and spark.
Recently I have been considering whether I could give up work and go to Uni rather than continue for another 3 years. Alternatively I have considered changing my degree to be more directly linked with my work. I am just not sure. I think my motive for change is a sense of urgency that is not real. So possibly need to stick with my original plan. Overall, I love the subject. A contributing problem is my desire for more grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And other factors involve creating more freedom. And more earning potential. Lots to consider - as always.
At times a part of me getting stuck is financial insecurity but it doesn't how much I have ever had I have felt insecure financially. The more I have the more insecure. Over responsibility can turns into avarice, gluttony and greed and no responsibility well might breed envy and probably sloth is a contribution and is it greed?
Anyway there I go again blah blah blah. I am writing this as I am avoiding do some chores - sloth - ugh I am sloth ful around some things. Admittedly I am tired - tired as a result of workloads and late nights - ha. Choices.
There is so much to say if I were to try and catch up on news since last posting anything here.
I am ashamed to say I withdrew some postings for fear of being me. I am ashamed to say that because actually it is another way of not honouring me. I am me and contributing to that is my life's experiences. Simply in the knowing that I am less than proud of some behaviours and choices I have made is evidence to me that I am NOT that person. At the time I made skewed choices. And even as it was going on I felt more of my spirit dye. How wonderful that something enabled me to allow me to see things differently, make changes and allow my spirit to light up again. I still have contact with some people from different walks of my journey that have not been able to break free and some seem quite content with their lot despite it seeming from my perspective to be killing them. I am sure that will be me loading on them the feeling of soulessness I had felt. Perhaps they really are content.
I know H isn't. She is a searcher too. I hurt for her. I witness her beauty and spark of life frequently. A H2 has that same alive spirit. I feel so dreadful standing by helpless, having to let them choose their paths. My only influence can be to travel my own path and hope that they might want something different too. I trust that the Universe will take care of this. I pray for H and H2 a long with A every time I stop and think about them. I feel grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
So - since writing BLOG last - I did stop contact with C. Occasionally I receive a message from him but I have no desire to allow myself to be disrespected.
Pleased with my progress in having worth for myself and choosing to have people around me that also wish to honour that.
SL - my far too much to put here in this moment. Keep in mind SL - don;t allow me to forget to tell you.
Swine flu, Happiness and SL - what a combination - a little cocktail that has been like almost like the healing mechanism of Ayahuasca. Far too intricate a journey to even want to summarise and simplify. Like any "trip" there has been surprise, wonder and awe. But the full array of emotions were sprung on - sadness, loss, anger, disappointment. I engaged in a darker side of me. Most surprising was the speed with which I dipped into old attitudes and behaviours, without thought and self observation. Thankfully a short sharp touch of pain was enough to alert all my senses and make instant changes. Thank goodness honesty at deeper levels is so important to me now. Integrity rules KO! And with that comes dignity, which I value so much and it values me.
Such incredible people encounters.
Which of course brings me to JH - mmmm (horrid that he may read this). So not feeling brave enough but more importantly there is no time to give justice to all that my soul has encountered. I have incredible gratitude, amazement, love, and bliss amongst an array of sentiments and emotions that could fill a blog at this very moment, when I consider JH.
Work, work, work. study study study
Yes It's certainly the wrong way around according to my preference but it seems to be the way it is regardless of that I have done within the terms of my employment. I have tried different disciplines to ensure I cover what i need to to. And then the anti at work is upped so there being no room for my study disciplines. I am sure there is a lesson about my work ethics and boundaries. I am probably not enforceful enough with my boundaries - grrrrr to codependency. Having said that my employers have offered a little towards supporting my studies. It is less than I want of them but more than nothing. I need to practice gratitude for that as otherwise resentments build and it is not their fault. I do love the work I am able to do within the safety of this company.
I was a little shaken though with I. I would like to write about this but actually anyone who read it would have to be exterminated because of confidentiality so I feel frustrated as I have so many emotions that I know are being misdirected and developing with a skew as a result of me not being able to talk openly about the facts. I would like someone who is not directly involved to put their outside perspective on things. Currently it is all in my head and the madness of others involved too. Suffice to say this situation caused me a lot of turmoil and there is some residue.
I will write it in my more private journals - so anyone who finds them when I am dead can tie it all up. Wish I had written more during the time as there would surely be lessons to learn from my own thoughts and attitudes and behaviours around that time with other life situations.
Oh well a missed opportunity and I ma certain there will be plenty more.
So work is OK just a lot of it. And as always I feel inadequate but thankfully can rely on the Universe to sort out people's lives. I can just keep reminding myself I am a facilitator to those people who are asking for a pointer and someone to listen and reflect themselves back to them. Really all I have to do is turn up, open the meeting, listen, say be genuine, be respectful, close the meeting - if I can be consistent with that i have done a damned good job in bringing about change.
Ha -if only I could keep things that simple.
Insecurity, difficulties, hatred, disgust with new realisations,simple moments of wonder, joy, tears, walks, friendship, pain for friends in difficulty, excitement for friends making new shapes, grrrrrrr ailments, just a few of the things that come to my mind as happenings over the months.
Really, I am very interested in my insecurity and keep getting glimpses of letting go of it. Then it floods back in - either it's scared of being without me or I'm scared of being without it. Insecure insecurity. Damn that's tough one to overcome!!!!!!!
It's taken many different forms now - so large though I can no longer really avoid looking at it. And in each of the forms it is so bloody painful that I can't avert my eyes to avoid it. uh uh. It is time apparently to really face this full on.
Most recently it presented itself and became so crippling at times. Ugh! I wanted to run away ...
If only I could direct my incredibly thinking into something productive like writing. Wow I have some incredibly stories that run through my mind. And how my senses intensify. Information is received but then the imagination creates - If that could be channelled somehow by me. Instead it cuts me off at the heart and soul. OH MY GOSH! It then is so painful. Self inflicted pain. Of course people and their choices has an impact but what I can do with it. Well it's self destructive.
As I am writing this I am beginning to remind myself not to beat myself up for it. Then at least I can be more accepting and through acceptance comes the possibility for change.
And I was able to try that out for size. I was asked to trust and I chose to when I remembered or was reminded to. And all was well - then I could tell my thinking to float off down the river. The truth will always be revealed without me trying to force it out with my incredibly fertile mind.
This all cam about because a woman was meeting the man I am in love with. Probably there is no need to say more. Wow what a difficult week. I am aware that the eruption within me is gradually settling not settled but suffice to say that I am better able to be an observer of self already. I think there were times of self destruct and wanting to punch out too. But I also see how differently I have been. Not least has been that it is more in the day despite huge projection at times. And yes there is the settling period but it's current and surface not suppressed and stewing.
Nice!
M is moving back but away undertaking her first TEFL post. She sounds frazzled. Concerned.
E is heart broken. Truly heart broken.
A is moving things forward and next month may be pregnant. Bloody hell!!!!!
Ab is Ab - just a little more sociable which I love - visiting galleries with me - loved our last experience at the National. I regret being so uneducated but at the same time celebrate that this then means it is all in the beholding the vision not influenced by status' or skill.
Well I can list all my lovely people in my life
Uhm - what else- there's loads there really is. Clients that touch my soul or my heart but of course I cannot disclose anything. Grrr
Now I am going to get ready and leave. Byeeeee - perhaps I will write more.
As I start to unload the heap of life that has been lived then it can be less summary and more interesting in detail - well that's the hope.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
xxxx
And YES I KNOW it is within me to delve in and draw out the inspiration and interest within me. Grrrr don;t you just hate when someone is wise to these things and throws them back!!! He he he.
So today I should really be preparing to leave for Warwick Uni. By applying myself in this way I an hoping and very positively not just a token gesture, that I will reignite my interest and spark.
Recently I have been considering whether I could give up work and go to Uni rather than continue for another 3 years. Alternatively I have considered changing my degree to be more directly linked with my work. I am just not sure. I think my motive for change is a sense of urgency that is not real. So possibly need to stick with my original plan. Overall, I love the subject. A contributing problem is my desire for more grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And other factors involve creating more freedom. And more earning potential. Lots to consider - as always.
At times a part of me getting stuck is financial insecurity but it doesn't how much I have ever had I have felt insecure financially. The more I have the more insecure. Over responsibility can turns into avarice, gluttony and greed and no responsibility well might breed envy and probably sloth is a contribution and is it greed?
Anyway there I go again blah blah blah. I am writing this as I am avoiding do some chores - sloth - ugh I am sloth ful around some things. Admittedly I am tired - tired as a result of workloads and late nights - ha. Choices.
There is so much to say if I were to try and catch up on news since last posting anything here.
I am ashamed to say I withdrew some postings for fear of being me. I am ashamed to say that because actually it is another way of not honouring me. I am me and contributing to that is my life's experiences. Simply in the knowing that I am less than proud of some behaviours and choices I have made is evidence to me that I am NOT that person. At the time I made skewed choices. And even as it was going on I felt more of my spirit dye. How wonderful that something enabled me to allow me to see things differently, make changes and allow my spirit to light up again. I still have contact with some people from different walks of my journey that have not been able to break free and some seem quite content with their lot despite it seeming from my perspective to be killing them. I am sure that will be me loading on them the feeling of soulessness I had felt. Perhaps they really are content.
I know H isn't. She is a searcher too. I hurt for her. I witness her beauty and spark of life frequently. A H2 has that same alive spirit. I feel so dreadful standing by helpless, having to let them choose their paths. My only influence can be to travel my own path and hope that they might want something different too. I trust that the Universe will take care of this. I pray for H and H2 a long with A every time I stop and think about them. I feel grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
So - since writing BLOG last - I did stop contact with C. Occasionally I receive a message from him but I have no desire to allow myself to be disrespected.
Pleased with my progress in having worth for myself and choosing to have people around me that also wish to honour that.
SL - my far too much to put here in this moment. Keep in mind SL - don;t allow me to forget to tell you.
Swine flu, Happiness and SL - what a combination - a little cocktail that has been like almost like the healing mechanism of Ayahuasca. Far too intricate a journey to even want to summarise and simplify. Like any "trip" there has been surprise, wonder and awe. But the full array of emotions were sprung on - sadness, loss, anger, disappointment. I engaged in a darker side of me. Most surprising was the speed with which I dipped into old attitudes and behaviours, without thought and self observation. Thankfully a short sharp touch of pain was enough to alert all my senses and make instant changes. Thank goodness honesty at deeper levels is so important to me now. Integrity rules KO! And with that comes dignity, which I value so much and it values me.
Such incredible people encounters.
Which of course brings me to JH - mmmm (horrid that he may read this). So not feeling brave enough but more importantly there is no time to give justice to all that my soul has encountered. I have incredible gratitude, amazement, love, and bliss amongst an array of sentiments and emotions that could fill a blog at this very moment, when I consider JH.
Work, work, work. study study study
Yes It's certainly the wrong way around according to my preference but it seems to be the way it is regardless of that I have done within the terms of my employment. I have tried different disciplines to ensure I cover what i need to to. And then the anti at work is upped so there being no room for my study disciplines. I am sure there is a lesson about my work ethics and boundaries. I am probably not enforceful enough with my boundaries - grrrrr to codependency. Having said that my employers have offered a little towards supporting my studies. It is less than I want of them but more than nothing. I need to practice gratitude for that as otherwise resentments build and it is not their fault. I do love the work I am able to do within the safety of this company.
I was a little shaken though with I. I would like to write about this but actually anyone who read it would have to be exterminated because of confidentiality so I feel frustrated as I have so many emotions that I know are being misdirected and developing with a skew as a result of me not being able to talk openly about the facts. I would like someone who is not directly involved to put their outside perspective on things. Currently it is all in my head and the madness of others involved too. Suffice to say this situation caused me a lot of turmoil and there is some residue.
I will write it in my more private journals - so anyone who finds them when I am dead can tie it all up. Wish I had written more during the time as there would surely be lessons to learn from my own thoughts and attitudes and behaviours around that time with other life situations.
Oh well a missed opportunity and I ma certain there will be plenty more.
So work is OK just a lot of it. And as always I feel inadequate but thankfully can rely on the Universe to sort out people's lives. I can just keep reminding myself I am a facilitator to those people who are asking for a pointer and someone to listen and reflect themselves back to them. Really all I have to do is turn up, open the meeting, listen, say be genuine, be respectful, close the meeting - if I can be consistent with that i have done a damned good job in bringing about change.
Ha -if only I could keep things that simple.
Insecurity, difficulties, hatred, disgust with new realisations,simple moments of wonder, joy, tears, walks, friendship, pain for friends in difficulty, excitement for friends making new shapes, grrrrrrr ailments, just a few of the things that come to my mind as happenings over the months.
Really, I am very interested in my insecurity and keep getting glimpses of letting go of it. Then it floods back in - either it's scared of being without me or I'm scared of being without it. Insecure insecurity. Damn that's tough one to overcome!!!!!!!
It's taken many different forms now - so large though I can no longer really avoid looking at it. And in each of the forms it is so bloody painful that I can't avert my eyes to avoid it. uh uh. It is time apparently to really face this full on.
Most recently it presented itself and became so crippling at times. Ugh! I wanted to run away ...
If only I could direct my incredibly thinking into something productive like writing. Wow I have some incredibly stories that run through my mind. And how my senses intensify. Information is received but then the imagination creates - If that could be channelled somehow by me. Instead it cuts me off at the heart and soul. OH MY GOSH! It then is so painful. Self inflicted pain. Of course people and their choices has an impact but what I can do with it. Well it's self destructive.
As I am writing this I am beginning to remind myself not to beat myself up for it. Then at least I can be more accepting and through acceptance comes the possibility for change.
And I was able to try that out for size. I was asked to trust and I chose to when I remembered or was reminded to. And all was well - then I could tell my thinking to float off down the river. The truth will always be revealed without me trying to force it out with my incredibly fertile mind.
This all cam about because a woman was meeting the man I am in love with. Probably there is no need to say more. Wow what a difficult week. I am aware that the eruption within me is gradually settling not settled but suffice to say that I am better able to be an observer of self already. I think there were times of self destruct and wanting to punch out too. But I also see how differently I have been. Not least has been that it is more in the day despite huge projection at times. And yes there is the settling period but it's current and surface not suppressed and stewing.
Nice!
M is moving back but away undertaking her first TEFL post. She sounds frazzled. Concerned.
E is heart broken. Truly heart broken.
A is moving things forward and next month may be pregnant. Bloody hell!!!!!
Ab is Ab - just a little more sociable which I love - visiting galleries with me - loved our last experience at the National. I regret being so uneducated but at the same time celebrate that this then means it is all in the beholding the vision not influenced by status' or skill.
Well I can list all my lovely people in my life
Uhm - what else- there's loads there really is. Clients that touch my soul or my heart but of course I cannot disclose anything. Grrr
Now I am going to get ready and leave. Byeeeee - perhaps I will write more.
As I start to unload the heap of life that has been lived then it can be less summary and more interesting in detail - well that's the hope.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Bliss
xxxx
