It's funny because I see in me the ways I do what I do in addiction as the same thing as you do in avoidance. I'm not saying it IS the same just I recognise similarities in the underlying Issues. And I also see how easily I could go into avoidancy. It's not the first time I've recognised it but I don't think I've ever talked about it with you. In particular as I started acting out with Leslie - god I'm so tired of the behaviours. Thank goodness. For so many years now the addictive behaviours and codependency are shown clearly to me yet I'm so good at wanting what I want so denying the situations and consequences. How many times do I want to get burnt. It's not the men - I create abuse. It's a horrid default. And I want to step away from the defect. My gosh I get a lot of practice. Phew! Thank goodness for practice but good support to keep pulling through so far.
I started writig this to my friend M. But reflected on it and decided not to. It didn't feel appropriate. When we met on Saturday it could have been appropriate then and to have live examples of the way I spot the similarities. M always adds that she is avoidant and can be addictive too in her relating with people.
I am mainly addicted in relationships but can see how I become avoidant in some ways and could easily switch to avoidancy in a more obvious way.
Fundamentally addictive or avoidant, the missing ingredient is intimacy. And INTO ME U SEE intimacy involves being transparent and that means being pure or being able to share the things that are embarrassing and bring on feelings of shame too. Either stop those behaviours and attitudes that bring that on or stand up and being counted for them.
M was talking about not being sure about this guy D so tending not to answer calls or meet up. I am not sure about G a lot of the time but instead of avoiding I am in addiction, he's here all the time, I tolerate behaviours and situations that actually I am not happy with.
Whereas M can put down boundaries that are inflexible, I put down boundaries that are either so flimsy that there is no resistance at all or there are no boundaries.
Today I stood up for myself. I didn't want him to stay another night. And in the clumsiest way possible I said so. It was horrid being then on the receiving end of his reaction although he has been decent about it really. There was awkward silence and a very frosty "right, I'm off then". I asked when we might speak to each other again. And he said "when we speak to each other". There is no commitment from G. He said yesterday there is no contract between us but there is little of a commitment in any sense. He says he doesn't look at other women not because of his commitment to me but because he doesn't do that sort of thing because of his insecurities. That's not acceptable to me. It's true and I appreciate the truth. I am seeing what happens but I store that sort of information. Then there is his friendship with D. I am not happy with him texting all the time he's with me or visiting there and coming back here. Mainly I think he's here because he doesn't want to be at his home, named the pit or he's not permitted to stay at D's house, named the castle.
I am not saying I want him to change per se. Of course I'd like things to be different but what I am saying these are things that actually I am questioning about whether I want in my relationship with someone. I don't like his gossipping. I don't like how he is so critical about the work that I do as if he knows best. He knows a lot but if his word isn't taken then he gets angry and actually points out how closed I am to ideas. I can agree with that to some extent. But pot calling kettle black infuriates me.
And also when things are not going well there he is angry and moody. That's okay as such but it falls out regularly on me. He is ultra sensitive. He is restless all too easily and does nothing about that.
I am sitting here saying all these things with a bit of a whinge. But it's me that's not comfortable with the situation. I am not blaming him and I don't want him to change at all. All I am doing is looking at things how I perceive them and assessing what is okay by me or not. There are wonderful things about that I love deeply. I love walking with him and the freshness of seeing things and hearing things. I lobe the way he cares about people and there is a detail in his caring. I love his brightness, his humour and his intelligence. He has a stored for information and applies it well. I love sex with him. There is the possibility to try and have sexual intimacy but it goes quickly when all the other things kick in. I love the way he practices at enlightenment and his enthusiasm for some things is incredible. As incredible as that is, he can be dispassionate about things too and that is frustrating to watch. He is not happy otherwise I would say crack on.
He is irresponsible with money too but so am I and so that doesn't trouble me so much as it did when all the dust was in the air after my dad's will. I was expecting to be comfortable and was terribly discontented with everything when that was not the case. And G wasn't a help more of a drain financially.
So that's how it is with G. And the addictive process? Well having several times shown him the portal or he's taken the portal and then just slipping back into the same situation is just doing the same old thing and expecting different results. Addictive. Tolerating behaviours that actually create resentments in addictive behaviour. Being needy is addictive behaviour. Not taking responsibility for myself, i.e, being accountable and saying what I do and don't like is addictive behaviour. Not being able to set boundaries such as making calls to friends and FA folk is addictive behaviour. Getting involved once again in cyber-sex when I could actually see it happening in front of my eyes is addictive behaviour. And I do feel incredibly awful about that and glad that I could put a stop to it there and then regardless of what LW was about to start thinking of me. The packaging was rather gorgeous though. Anyhow when G said he needed to delete texts because if I read them my head would go all over the place with them ... firstly I was cross because he thought I'd read his texts, which there has been one occasion I tried to and I have signed in to read his emails. I refuse to do that again. But worse still is the fact that there are texts that he thinks would be inappropriate. I wouldn't want him to see the things I write about him and I certainly wouldn't want him to see the cyber-sexing texts with LW. So I understand but it doesn't make it okay. He sees D every day practically and they are texting all day every day. It's a big bug bear for me. He says it's all innocent and I put trust in that. However, the amount of contact and his apparent attachment to her is rather extreme. And his mood fluctuates according to what's going on with her.
I do not want it. I am glad I was able to say I didn't want to see him this evening and have the evening to myself. I enjoy his company when all is good. In fact I cherish those times they are so special. I do not like the other stuff and that seems to be more frequent.
So I have not been studying and avoiding doing any reading and now have an assignment that was due in today and I've only just started it.What am I doing now? Not my report or even any needed reading. I will do another half hour of reading and then tomorrow evening I will have to get my head into it yet again. On Sunday I am in London with the B's. I hadn't mentioned that to G so the fact that he's dog-sitting all weekend is food news for me. I don't even think I'll miss him so much. The excitement is wearing off I think because it's so full of fraught tension. But bloody hell it's lovely when that isn't there.
And I had an interview yesterday for DARA treatment centre in Thailand. A part of me wants to give it a 3 month try.Leave Loobs again? Difficult. And what about my flat and commitment to PD? I think PD would be very hurt. he already regrets the time off I take for my degree course. I couldn't do it without the time though. My days are so long by the time I've dropped Loobs off and collected her.
The island is mall C said and there is not much to do at all. Being with oneself is a critical ability to have she said. I have this romantic notion of beach bumming and stuff. It's is a snippet of the entire thing. I have a glimpse shot of somewhere exotic. it only remains exotic for a short while because in effect I am just there instead of here. The climate would be lovely of course.
I would miss art. I would miss friends. I would miss culture. I would miss G. I would miss like heck Loobs. I would miss ..............
Hmmm I sent an email to say that I rescind my application. We will see what happens when they respond. I would be interested to know the feedback from the interview. It was via Skype.
That's all folks!!
Bliss
XX
ps G calls himself Spiritual Giant (I think he half beleives it)
I started writig this to my friend M. But reflected on it and decided not to. It didn't feel appropriate. When we met on Saturday it could have been appropriate then and to have live examples of the way I spot the similarities. M always adds that she is avoidant and can be addictive too in her relating with people.
I am mainly addicted in relationships but can see how I become avoidant in some ways and could easily switch to avoidancy in a more obvious way.
Fundamentally addictive or avoidant, the missing ingredient is intimacy. And INTO ME U SEE intimacy involves being transparent and that means being pure or being able to share the things that are embarrassing and bring on feelings of shame too. Either stop those behaviours and attitudes that bring that on or stand up and being counted for them.
M was talking about not being sure about this guy D so tending not to answer calls or meet up. I am not sure about G a lot of the time but instead of avoiding I am in addiction, he's here all the time, I tolerate behaviours and situations that actually I am not happy with.
Whereas M can put down boundaries that are inflexible, I put down boundaries that are either so flimsy that there is no resistance at all or there are no boundaries.
Today I stood up for myself. I didn't want him to stay another night. And in the clumsiest way possible I said so. It was horrid being then on the receiving end of his reaction although he has been decent about it really. There was awkward silence and a very frosty "right, I'm off then". I asked when we might speak to each other again. And he said "when we speak to each other". There is no commitment from G. He said yesterday there is no contract between us but there is little of a commitment in any sense. He says he doesn't look at other women not because of his commitment to me but because he doesn't do that sort of thing because of his insecurities. That's not acceptable to me. It's true and I appreciate the truth. I am seeing what happens but I store that sort of information. Then there is his friendship with D. I am not happy with him texting all the time he's with me or visiting there and coming back here. Mainly I think he's here because he doesn't want to be at his home, named the pit or he's not permitted to stay at D's house, named the castle.
I am not saying I want him to change per se. Of course I'd like things to be different but what I am saying these are things that actually I am questioning about whether I want in my relationship with someone. I don't like his gossipping. I don't like how he is so critical about the work that I do as if he knows best. He knows a lot but if his word isn't taken then he gets angry and actually points out how closed I am to ideas. I can agree with that to some extent. But pot calling kettle black infuriates me.
And also when things are not going well there he is angry and moody. That's okay as such but it falls out regularly on me. He is ultra sensitive. He is restless all too easily and does nothing about that.
I am sitting here saying all these things with a bit of a whinge. But it's me that's not comfortable with the situation. I am not blaming him and I don't want him to change at all. All I am doing is looking at things how I perceive them and assessing what is okay by me or not. There are wonderful things about that I love deeply. I love walking with him and the freshness of seeing things and hearing things. I lobe the way he cares about people and there is a detail in his caring. I love his brightness, his humour and his intelligence. He has a stored for information and applies it well. I love sex with him. There is the possibility to try and have sexual intimacy but it goes quickly when all the other things kick in. I love the way he practices at enlightenment and his enthusiasm for some things is incredible. As incredible as that is, he can be dispassionate about things too and that is frustrating to watch. He is not happy otherwise I would say crack on.
He is irresponsible with money too but so am I and so that doesn't trouble me so much as it did when all the dust was in the air after my dad's will. I was expecting to be comfortable and was terribly discontented with everything when that was not the case. And G wasn't a help more of a drain financially.
So that's how it is with G. And the addictive process? Well having several times shown him the portal or he's taken the portal and then just slipping back into the same situation is just doing the same old thing and expecting different results. Addictive. Tolerating behaviours that actually create resentments in addictive behaviour. Being needy is addictive behaviour. Not taking responsibility for myself, i.e, being accountable and saying what I do and don't like is addictive behaviour. Not being able to set boundaries such as making calls to friends and FA folk is addictive behaviour. Getting involved once again in cyber-sex when I could actually see it happening in front of my eyes is addictive behaviour. And I do feel incredibly awful about that and glad that I could put a stop to it there and then regardless of what LW was about to start thinking of me. The packaging was rather gorgeous though. Anyhow when G said he needed to delete texts because if I read them my head would go all over the place with them ... firstly I was cross because he thought I'd read his texts, which there has been one occasion I tried to and I have signed in to read his emails. I refuse to do that again. But worse still is the fact that there are texts that he thinks would be inappropriate. I wouldn't want him to see the things I write about him and I certainly wouldn't want him to see the cyber-sexing texts with LW. So I understand but it doesn't make it okay. He sees D every day practically and they are texting all day every day. It's a big bug bear for me. He says it's all innocent and I put trust in that. However, the amount of contact and his apparent attachment to her is rather extreme. And his mood fluctuates according to what's going on with her.
I do not want it. I am glad I was able to say I didn't want to see him this evening and have the evening to myself. I enjoy his company when all is good. In fact I cherish those times they are so special. I do not like the other stuff and that seems to be more frequent.
So I have not been studying and avoiding doing any reading and now have an assignment that was due in today and I've only just started it.What am I doing now? Not my report or even any needed reading. I will do another half hour of reading and then tomorrow evening I will have to get my head into it yet again. On Sunday I am in London with the B's. I hadn't mentioned that to G so the fact that he's dog-sitting all weekend is food news for me. I don't even think I'll miss him so much. The excitement is wearing off I think because it's so full of fraught tension. But bloody hell it's lovely when that isn't there.
And I had an interview yesterday for DARA treatment centre in Thailand. A part of me wants to give it a 3 month try.Leave Loobs again? Difficult. And what about my flat and commitment to PD? I think PD would be very hurt. he already regrets the time off I take for my degree course. I couldn't do it without the time though. My days are so long by the time I've dropped Loobs off and collected her.
The island is mall C said and there is not much to do at all. Being with oneself is a critical ability to have she said. I have this romantic notion of beach bumming and stuff. It's is a snippet of the entire thing. I have a glimpse shot of somewhere exotic. it only remains exotic for a short while because in effect I am just there instead of here. The climate would be lovely of course.
I would miss art. I would miss friends. I would miss culture. I would miss G. I would miss like heck Loobs. I would miss ..............
Hmmm I sent an email to say that I rescind my application. We will see what happens when they respond. I would be interested to know the feedback from the interview. It was via Skype.
That's all folks!!
Bliss
XX
ps G calls himself Spiritual Giant (I think he half beleives it)
